


give you the world (risk losing everything)

by nihonlove



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Communication Failure, Confident Katsuki Yuuri, Depression, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Long-Distance Relationship, Long-Haired Katsuki Yuuri, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Pining, Secret Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Social Media, Texting, Therapy, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-01-06 20:02:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 182,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihonlove/pseuds/nihonlove
Summary: All Katsuki Yuuri ever really wanted was to skate on the same ice as his idol as equals. He ends up getting a lot more than that when he and Viktor run into each other at the NHK Trophy during Yuuri's first Senior season.Or: The Soft Rivals AU.





	1. Yuuri

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here it is. My baby. My epic. I've been working on this for a while now, so I really hope you'll enjoy it even just a little!
> 
> I want to thank everyone who has supported me during the journey that has been me writing this, including everyone who has helped me with ideas, listened me rant or beta-read for me. You're all the real MVPs <3\. The possible remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> I'm planning on keeping to a consistent updating schedule with this, uploading a new chapter every two weeks. If I'm going to be late with a chapter for one reason or another, you can probably hear about it on my tumblr (link in the bottom notes) ;).
> 
> Happy (somewhat early) One Year Anniversary of YOI! :D. I hope this fic will bring some of the joy it brought to us back to some Wednesdays :).

He’s enclosed by the cold dry air that seems to seep all the way into his bones. It seems strange because he’s been in places like this dozens of times, practically grew up in a rink surrounded by the ice. And yet he can’t seem to make his hands and legs stop shaking, shivering to the point of almost spasming. He looks down at his feet, covered in bladed boots, trying to focus even as his vision starts swimming. Everything seems stifled, blurred at the edges, all the world overtaken by the beat of his heart hammering in his ears. The beat that seems to drum out the words _you can’t do this, you can’t do this, you can’t do this, you’re not good enough, you’re not good enough, you’re not good enough…_

“Yuuri, all you have to do is just skate the way you do in practice.”

He can only barely hear Celestino’s words breaking through the barrier of his muddy brain. His coach’s voice sounds like it’s coming from a mile away, all muffled and mumbling. Or like Yuuri is buried underneath something, like sand or water, where he can only hear his beating heart and his circling thoughts. Yuuri desperately tries to gasp the freezing air into his lungs, but it feels like the costume he’s wearing has become a corset around him that is strangling him, constricting his lungs in more and more with every breath he takes. Perhaps Yuuri has been breathing ice rink air for too long; maybe it has frozen his lungs permanently to the point that every time Yuuri breathes more air from a rink in, it keeps freezing him more and more from the inside, until Yuuri struggles for air like this.

Yuuri has been nervous during competitions before, of course, even anxious, but he doesn’t think it’s ever been this horrible. The nerves, the ice, the pressure feel like they’re consuming him, like he can’t think or feel anything other than the crippling fear of what he’s about to do. The four days they have been in Japan so far have been a blur of too many interviews and getting to hear how excited everyone is to see how he’ll do; too many meetings with his new competitors and witnessing how much more talent they have than Yuuri, and too much struggling to keep up appearances while he’s been crumbling up on the inside all the while, feeling like he’s being crushed underneath the weight of the pressure, the in contrast minimal skating feeling like it does nothing to take away the pain.

This is his Senior Debut season. He needs to make his mark. Everyone is counting on him, especially after his rather favorable run in the Junior Division across the past few years. Yuuri’s never been this aware of how important this one season is for the rest of his career, and he’s also never been more aware of how much he doesn’t fit here with everyone else that is competing in the NHK Trophy’s men’s singles. Only the very top skaters are here, the ones who have proven themselves unworthy having either found something else to do with their lives or just not having qualified for the competition. It was in order to prepare for this season the reason that he’d moved to a special training facility all the way in Detroit in the first place; so that he could have proper rinkmates and a real coach that could help him evolve to the point where he needs to be in order to deserve his place here. So he could become the best he could be, now that he’ll be competing against the best of the best. Including Viktor Nikiforov.

But nothing has been that simple. Yuuri isn’t sure what he expected when he moved to Detroit. He doesn’t think he was under any illusions it would be easy. He thought he was prepared for all the challenges and hard work that was sure to come when working under an official, actual coach rather than just his ballet teacher and the visiting coaches at the Ice Castle. But he doesn’t think anything could’ve prepared him for what it would be like to be so far away from everything he’s ever known. Although Yuuri has been working his hardest, and has been able to tell he’s been improving under Coach Celestino’s guidance, everything else about Detroit has seemed to be nothing but pain and dread and tears, getting worse and worse the closer he got to his Senior Debut, culminating in not being able to sleep properly for a week leading up to the competitions or since. Yuuri has always been a nervous person, but somehow, back in the Junior Division, and while still living in Hasetsu, it had been easier to deal with. Yuuri’d had his methods of dealing with his nerves back then, and the people close to him knew his tells well enough to be able to help him. If he needed to be left in peace, they’d give him his space. If he needed to sweat it out and tire himself until he was too exhausted to properly think, the Ice Castle and Minako’s ballet studio were always open to him. If he needed closeness or distraction, Mari would talk to him while he cuddled Vicchan in his lap, and the little dog would lick at his face.

Detroit has none of these things. Instead, it’s a cold, biting and harsh place where he doesn’t know anyone and no one cares to know him. Although Yuuri feels like he can understand most of what people say to him thanks to the extra English lessons from Minako-sensei, in some ways words have felt like they’ve been stuck in his throat ever since he arrived in Detroit, choking him. He’s afraid he’ll say the wrong thing, or otherwise be misunderstood. He’s always been a fairly quiet person, one that is more likely to speak through actions and expressions than through the actual words. The people he knew and loved in Hasetsu knew him well enough to read him so that he didn’t always have to speak out loud. In Detroit, it feels like no one even wants to try and understand him. The different language and culture do not exactly help with this, and Yuuri’s found himself more at a loss for words than ever, at a time when he perhaps should’ve been trying to find his actual spoken words.

In Detroit, he’s been more isolated and alone than he’s ever been, and because there is no one to help him deal with the dread he feels, he hasn’t been able to let go of it. In Detroit, he can’t dance or skate when he wants because he has no unlimited access to the ice rink or a studio, and because Celestino doesn’t want him to overwork himself. In Detroit, there is no sweet dog to share body heat with, no mother to cook for him, sister to talk to him, father to cheer him on nor friends to talk to about figure skating with. All he has are his empty, bare room at the training facility, and the quiet, suffocating darkness of it that sometimes feels like it’s going to swallow him whole.

And now, at a time when it would be the most important for him to keep it together, he’s being swallowed by that darkness more than ever. All there is in his world right now are his beating heart and his thoughts screaming his ears full, his shaking and clammy hands, as he falls deep into a bottomless, dark hole.

“-ri! Yuuri!” He snaps, and can vaguely see his coach’s face in front of his own, ashy underneath its tanned tone and his expression a concerned frown. “Are you alright? It’s almost time for you to skate.”

“I-I…” Yuuri mumbles, even as words feel like ash in his mouth, trying to remember how to breathe, how to think. He can vaguely hear the roar of the crowd around him, can feel the bright lights reflecting off the ice blinding him, the cold biting against his cheeks and lips, making his mouth dry. He knows his sister, Yuuko and Minako-sensei are somewhere out there in the audience, their voices mixing in with everyone else’s. The thought doesn’t comfort him. It only serves to make him more terrified. He’d been happy to see them earlier, having missed them more than he had almost been able to bear, but he wishes they hadn’t come here to watch him skate. It’s enough that he’s been built up as the next great Japanese skater, everyone speculating what a grand career he’s going to have in the Senior Division. It’s not even enough that he has to skate here, in his home turf in Japan where he has the most people who want something out of him; want to see him succeed. No, he also has to skate with some of the people dearest to him in the world in the audience, watching his every move. How can he look them in the eye after this and tell them moving to Detroit and going to school so far away from home was worth it when he already knows he’s going to fail miserably?

Not to mention that other thing. Why, why must his luck be so cursed? It’s true that Yuuri has always dreamed of skating on the same ice as Viktor Nikiforov. But it wasn’t supposed to happen so soon, wasn’t supposed to happen until Yuuri was ready to face him as an equal. And Yuuri right now is so far from being Viktor’s equal as he basically can be. Viktor has been in the Senior Division for years already, and Yuuri is merely starting out. He’s still struggling with his quads, even. And yet, already at his second international event in his first season in the Senior Division, Yuuri has been assigned in the same competition in the Grand Prix Series as his idol and inspiration. The thought that Viktor might be watching and will see him fail makes Yuuri want to throw up.

But how can he say any of that to Celestino right now, when the man has supported him so much, and had such faith in him and what he supposedly can do? He gave Yuuri a chance by taking him on as a student, and is now depending on him to show that that chance was warranted. This is as important to Celestino as it is to Yuuri. And his coach is right; Yuuri is up next in his free skate, in fourth place after the short program. He may want to run away, to find a quiet space where he can breathe, rock back and forth and calm down away from all and any prying eyes. But he can’t. Not now. He has something to do, and he knows he’ll let everyone down even more if he runs away. And that’s the last thing he wants.

“I-I can do this,” he mumbles, both to himself and his coach. The ice has been cleared from the flowers and plushies thrown down for the skater that came before him. It’s time for Yuuri to go out there and skate. No matter how much he knows he’s going to fail, there is nowhere for him to run right now.

Celestino takes his skate guards and Yuuri steps out on the ice. He doesn’t stick around to listen to any pep talk. He’s probably already late, and he doesn’t think anything Celestino has to say could do anything for him right now. It would probably just make the whole thing worse, to be honest.

As Yuuri skates to take his place in the center of the rink, he tries to just focus on the sound his blades make against the ice underneath him, and attempts to get into the right mindset to skate this program. One good thing about this one is that he can take on a character and become them; he doesn’t have to be Yuuri while he is out here. He hopes pretending to be his character can help him do what he needs to do.

He hears his cue, the airy and tender music starting, and he starts to look around himself, both his arms stretched out like wings. There is sorrow and fear in his heart as he steps out to the world, because he has so far been untouched by anything that might soil him, by anything difficult in life. He’s like driven snow, like an angel on his cloud, untainted by this cruel world and its expectations; he’s perfection personified, the last touch of grace that remains pure upon the world. That’s his theme this year, “Purity.”

He moves with all the grace he can muster across the ice in a gentle step sequence, his mind filled with images of ballerinas dancing before his eyes, perfect and poised and in a complete control of themselves. He’s chosen to play the character of Odette for his free skate for this theme. _Swan Lake_ remains the only ballet he’s seen in person. Minako-sensei took him to see it when he’d won his first competition, and he’s never forgotten the experience. He wanted to make this his free skate as a tribute to her-

His heart lurches as he prepares for a jump, a thought breaking through to his mind through the music and the routine. Minako-sensei is watching, he can’t let her down…

He falls.

He gets back up again. He’s fallen many times, and the first thing you learn as a skater is how to fall and get back up again. He needs to calm down, take a breath. _Think about Odette, think about what you and Celestino talked about expressing with this program as her…_

Odette has been cast into a role. She has been turned into a swan, and that form reflects people’s expectations of her. She is a woman in a developing world, trying to find her place, but the places she is offered are limited. She needs to be pure and beautiful, something nice to look at but that can’t have any thoughts of her own. She’s supposed to be perfect and untouchable; like a porcelain doll made delicate, flawless and lovely by human hands. Right now, Yuuri represents all that beauty in his gentle, soft skating, his white costume of feathers and rhinestones and the tiny crystals that he wears around his eyes. He lets his ballet training shine through in the choreography, lets his spins and steps showcase the innocence of Odette, tries to focus on all of this instead of the dread thrumming underneath his skin.

He attempts another jump. He falls again.

He feels like cursing, even as he tries to maintain a gentle expression. He can’t do this. He can’t. He’s not perfection. He’s not poised and pure like Odette. He can’t even get his jumps right, so how can he even hope to imitate one of the most famous heroines of ballet?

But why is Odette only seen as wonderful because she hasn’t been touched? Why are there so many limitations for what she can and cannot be? Doesn’t she have the right to be a real person, rather than the porcelain doll? Even the prince didn’t want the doll in the end; he wanted a warm body to hold. But he couldn’t ruin Odette’s purity, so he pursued the black swan, Odile, instead. She is the seductress, the one who burns like fire. She will let him have her, and he’ll be too weak to resist her, even if it leads to Odette’s doom. Odette who won’t let anyone touch her because that would ruin her purity. And people would stop respecting her if she let you in. But how is that right when all it ever did was make her unhappy? Pinocchio was allowed to become a real boy; why can’t Odette become a real girl without everyone losing respect for her? Why isn’t she also allowed to want for things? Why must the prince look for another warm body to satisfy him when she is right next to him and loves him? Doesn’t Odette, too, have the right to look for something more, something better than the role she’s been cast in? Why isn’t she allowed to be less than perfect? She never asked to be the white swan. All she wanted to do was just to be human. To just be Odette.

…

Yuuri doesn’t do so well, as he had already predicted. He flubs almost all of his jumps, his nerves always getting the best of him. It’s during the jumps that the rest of the world seems to come back to him the most, when he can’t lose himself in the music and the story, and can instead hear the roar of the crowd, see the blinking lights of the arena and the cameras, can feel everyone staring at his every move. It all seems to devour him and he loses his focus on the jump and the program, his own traitorous mind taking over instead.

Celestino has been trying to comfort him, saying there is still time to make the program better for Nationals and possibly the competitions after. Yuuri isn’t going to the Grand Prix Final this year, and his coach’s words just feel hollow. Yuuri knows Celestino must be disappointed too, and that all he’s doing is trying to make Yuuri think he isn’t, like Yuuri didn’t just mess up massively after all the work Celestino has put into him. But all it does is make Yuuri feel worse.

“You did really well on your presentation scores,” Celestino tells him, an arm around him in the Kiss & Cry. “As well you should’ve. That was one of the most emotional pieces you’ve done so far, Yuuri, and you showed everything you had to say out there. Be proud of that.”

All Yuuri feels is the tight dryness in his throat and the burning in his eyes. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore.

“Excuse me, coach, I have to…” he doesn’t bother with finishing his excuse, just hurries off before Celestino can see him cry. He finds a bathroom, thankfully empty, locks himself in a stall and cries in there for a long time, tears spilling out of his eyes like waterfalls. He covers his mouth with his hand and bites down on his lip, not willing to attract attention by making a sound. He’s completely humiliated himself in front of everyone who had faith in him at the most important moment of his career so far. And worst of all, Viktor was there to see it.

Yuuri has nothing to be proud of here.

…

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 43 m

Vitya does it yet again! #NHKTrophy #viktornikiforv #NikiforovGold

 

Holy Blades @angelskates · 39 m

@iceicelady His program this year is really impressive. Too bad it’s so sad #NHKTrophy #viktornikiforov

 

Chris’ Gold @glorytochris · 33 m

idk im gttn sick of whole niki streak. its not even intrsting to watch mens skating anymoar. at least if hes comptn #NHKTrophy

 

Jump or Die @powernjumps · 24 m

did ya see katsuki fall? more like kat-sucky am i right? lol #NHKTrophy #katsukiyuuri

 

Ice Crusher @icecrusher · 23 m

@powernjumps yea shoulda stuck to juniors lol #NHKTrophy #katsukiyuuri #fallsmorethanu

 

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 17 m

@powernjumps @icecrusher shut up! yuuri-chan was beauty and grace and ill punch y’all in the face! #katsukiyuuri #NHKTrophy #bestboy

 

Yuuri’s Blue @blueisthenewblack · 11 m

I just feel really bad for Yuuri-chan :’(. It must be terrible to compete against his idol and do so badly.

 

Surprise Show @surprisesforme · 3 m

i was really hopin havin katsuki move up wld make things a bit more interesting but i guess not :/. #NHKTrophy #katsukiyuuri #IdolOrRival

…

After the competition Yuuri more than ever wishes Mari, Minako-sensei and Yuuko hadn’t come, because they make it impossible for him to ignore what just happened, what he just did. They take him out to dinner to celebrate both his first Senior season and his upcoming birthday, where they all compliment him on his program and how emotional he was on the ice; how tight his spins and graceful his step sequences were; how much he became the character.

“I should’ve never encouraged you to get to skating,” Minako-sensei laments drunkenly, clapping Yuuri on the shoulder. “I would’ve made you into a real Swan if you had stuck with ballet.”

Yuuri forces a thin smile, not saying anything aloud because he can’t find any words to speak that aren’t dismissive or ungrateful. Instead, he shovels food into his mouth so he has an excuse to be quiet and has something to work his sorrow into. The food is a comforting warm weight at the bottom of his belly and it’s easier to lose himself in it than listen to the women in his life talk about his humiliating experience. Even the knowledge he’s breaching his diet and will probably regret eating so much later can’t stop him. He doesn’t have anything else to release his emotions into right now, and no one’s stopping him, so he stuffs his face until he absolutely no longer can’t, and then excuses himself from the company of his family. There is still the banquet to go to, after all.

The banquet is a boring and lonely affair, but at least Yuuri can for the most part avoid everyone and not discuss his failure. He robotically talks to a few sponsors that Celestino introduces to him, but although Yuuri knows he needs their support to keep skating, he can’t bring himself to put any more effort into any of it than the minimum. He will send them emails apologizing later or something. Tonight, he’s too drained from everything to really care much about anything at all.

He excuses himself early from the banquet too, and hurries up to his room to the one being in the world that can maybe make him feel at least fractionally better.

Vicchan greets him with an excited bark when he enters the room. The hotel chosen for all the skaters and their coaches is thankfully one that allows animals, and Celestino had told him he didn’t mind having Vicchan stay with them so long as the dog didn’t pee everywhere. Vicchan is very housebroken, Yuuri made sure of that years ago, so it hasn’t been a problem and Yuuri had had his family bring his beloved puppy with them to the competition as a slightly early birthday present.

“Hey, boy,” Yuuri murmurs softly, kneeling down to pet and scratch his dearest companion’s soft, curly fur. Out of everyone, he’s missed Vicchan the most while he’s been in Detroit, silly as it may be. Then again Vicchan has always been his greatest source of comfort, and Yuuri’s told him more about everything in his life than he has to anyone else, trusted him more than he has any human. He’s Yuuri’s best friend in the world, and during the nights when Yuuri’s felt most suffocated by everything, he’s longed to have Vicchan with him to cuddle and to lick away his tears.

Vicchan has always been able to sense when Yuuri needs him, and this occasion is no exception. He lets Yuuri curl around him on the bed and stroke his fur, sharing the warmth of his small body with Yuuri as he tends to do. He licks at Yuuri’s wet and salty face and whines while Yuuri gasps for breath, giving comfort in the best way he can. And once Yuuri’s cried enough, he talks to Vicchan.

“I messed up,” Yuuri breathes into Vicchan’s fur. “My Senior Debut season, on my home turf and I messed it up. Everyone pretends like it doesn’t matter, like I did so much better than I really did, but I know they’re just saying it to try and make me feel better. I know they don’t actually think I did well. And…” he sniffs. “When the say it like that, it just makes me feel like this was all they really expected of me; that they didn’t think I could do better in the first place.” He sighs. “Viktor was there too, today. I don’t know if he was able to watch my program, but…this wasn’t how I wanted to compete against him.”

Vicchan presses up against him, whining in a manner that to Yuuri feel like noises of understanding. He smiles a little to himself, wiping at his face with his sleeve and taking a few calming breaths. Vicchan always understands, always knows just what to say, and Yuuri does feel marginally better now that he’s cried himself out and has spilled his thoughts to his dog. He lies down for a few minutes to calm himself properly, before making his way to the bathroom to wash his face and to get a glass of water to rehydrate. He blows his nose, feeling drained, and he knows he should probably try and get some sleep now. It’s been a long day in a lot of ways. So he changes into his sleepwear and gets under the covers, letting Vicchan lie close to him still. It’s just like when Yuuri was a child, and he finds that comforting.

But even as he tries to close his eyes and rest, he can’t fall asleep even to the soft sound of Vicchan’s breathing. His mind is still too full of everything, rushing across his closed eyelids in rapid images of the day he’s just had, all the emotions he’s experienced. He wants to sleep; wants to forget about this day and awaken to a new one tomorrow refreshed. But he can’t get his mind to comply, to shut down and into sleep. He almost manages a few times, but something always snaps him back to the frustrating reality. When Celestino finally returns to their shared small room, Yuuri feigns sleep to avoid any more awkward conversations. He’s definitely not up for them right now. He pretends until he hears his coach’s breathing even out, and then turn into the snoring that assures Yuuri he really is asleep.

It seems that with Celestino snoring the night away, Yuuri’s resolve to try and rest breaks, and he sits up. It feels meaningless to just lie here, when he knows his mind needs to be shut up before he can actually sleep. There is something he knows helps with that. He can’t skate or dance here, but he can do the third alternative that he’s been forced to take more and more often since he’s moved to Detroit. And with Vicchan here, he can even get the added bonus of spending some more time with his dog before they have to depart again tomorrow, as well as trying to work off some of the meal he devoured earlier.

Yuuri redresses hastily and quietly in the bathroom, before finding Vicchan’s leash and whispering, “Come on, boy. We’re going for a walk.”

It’s quiet out in the hallway of the hotel, and also down in the lobby, but Yuuri likes it like that. There is a reason he is more of a night owl than a morning person, aside from his body just being wired that way. At night, everything is just so much calmer and softer, and being out in its quiet winter coldness with Vicchan is already soothing Yuuri to some degree. Most people are asleep, and Yuuri can hide in the shadows from the ones still out. This may be Japan, and he’s Japan’s representative in an ice skating competition, but his face is not known to that many people, especially when he wears his glasses and his face mask. Yuuri can disappear into the mass relatively easily, and just forget about everything that happened today. He can just be some nobody with a dog, taking a late-night stroll through the town because he can’t sleep. Just like Odette could only become a human at night, so can Yuuri just be Yuuri at night, when there is less threat of anyone seeing or watching him. Running gently through the dark streets with his beloved dog, he feels almost like he can put the day behind himself, and just be at peace for a while.

Yuuri doesn’t dare run very hard, doesn’t want to bring himself to sweat too much. He doesn’t really think he can shower afterwards if he doesn’t want to wake up Celestino and he shouldn’t get his heartrate up too much if he means to sleep at all tonight. This mostly leads him and Vicchan to wander around for a while, going this way and that to the point where it all starts to get rather tedious. It’s when Yuuri’s considering returning back that he finds they’ve found their way next to a park of large trees bare of leaves and smooth lawns that are parted by a stoned walking path. No one seems to be around, which suits Yuuri more than well. It would be nice to disappear into the shadows of the park, and also to be able to set himself something of a more proper route by walking through the designed pathways. Without thinking about it much more, he takes his first steps on the path leading him further into its darkness.

A few steps in there, Yuuri finds himself slowing down from his run to a walking pace, reconsidering his earlier thoughts. There is something almost eerie about the park at night, much more so than in the streets, especially since there don’t seem to be many lights at all in the place. There are just shadows everywhere, formed by the surrounding city lights, and it’s nearly impossible to see into the darkness beyond the bushes and the trees. Unlike out there in the city, Yuuri starts to feel more ill at ease here. He kind of wants to go back the way he came from, and return to the hotel. It’s late anyway. He really should get some rest. His footsteps are overwhelmingly loud in the silence, seeming to echo against the stone path, and it feels like even the wind has stopped. The trees suddenly feel like walls that are crowding him in, covering him in darkness and crowding him in. If someone was in here with him, he probably wouldn’t be able to see them before…

“Vicchan,” he murmurs, cold sweat beginning to run down his back. “Vicchan, let’s go back…”

But before he can start tugging Vicchan to turn back towards the way they came from, it seems the poodle has smelled something interesting in the air and sprints into a sudden run. It’s so abrupt, and so powerful, that Yuuri loses the soft grip he has on Vicchan’s leash.

“Vicchan, no!” He yells, shivering at the way his voice seems to be drowned by the silent emptiness, getting lost in the darkness surrounding him. He quickly runs after his dog, but despite his small size, Vicchan seems determined to follow the scent he’s caught and not be stopped by his usually-faster master. Yuuri also has to admit he’s exhausted and weary from the day, and not in his best shape to run this fast. “Vicchan, come back!”

More cold sweat runs down Yuuri’s back as his knees start to shake and he can feel his hands growing clammy. What if he loses Vicchan in this darkness? What if someone kidnaps him? Or Yuuri himself? What if Vicchan runs out of the park and into the traffic and gets hit by a car? What if they get lost and can’t find their way out of this darkness?

“Vicchan!” He screams after his dog, just as the poodle disappears around a corner from Yuuri’s sight. He hurries after him, and when he rounds the corner himself, Vicchan seems to have finally stopped. Yuuri can also now see in plain sight what it was that Vicchan probably smelled.

It’s another poodle, but one of a standard size, much bigger than Vicchan is as a miniature. Vicchan is circling the bigger animal eagerly, smelling and panting and giving a few cheerful-sounding barks. The other poodle is panting too, and calmly letting Vicchan figure out everything he can about her. She doesn’t seem to mind the attention, seeing as her fluffy tail is wagging as her eyes follow Vicchan roaming around her in circles on his tiny little legs.

“Vicchan,” Yuuri sighs, both in relief of having caught his dog and in resignation for having had to chase him in the first place. He crouches down and takes a tight hold of Vicchan’s leash. “Don’t run off like that, you scared me half to death…”

“It’s good that Makkachin caught him,” someone says in English, and _now_ Yuuri’s heart really does jump into his throat. That voice. He’d know that voice anywhere. He’s listened to it countless times in interviews and commercials that he plays on repeat when he wants to be inspired or merely wants to forget everything else for a while. And it’s only now that he notices he’s not alone with the dogs in the darkness, just barely being able to make out shiny shoes by the bigger poodle’s tail. A standard poodle. But…it can’t be, right? But the voice called the other dog ‘Makkachin’…

Slowly, heart hammering in his chest, his hands shaking, Yuuri dares a slow glance upwards towards the face of the person wearing those neat shoes. His eyes follow the long legs up to a slim waist and muscular torso to broad shoulders and pale neck to the beautiful face he knows so well, so embarrassingly intimately that he can’t help the gasp and the blush that follow when he so much as glances at it. The high cheekbones, the shining clear blue eyes, the long eyelashes, the soft, silvery hair, cut to its current shorter length only a few years ago…

“V-V…” Yuuri mumbles. He can’t stop staring at the man’s ethereal face. “Viktor…”

Viktor Nikiforov, Yuuri’s idol, his image of a figure skating god, is there, in this park, with his dog, while Yuuri is wearing just his running gear, his glasses and his face mask. And now, he’s smiling down at Yuuri and holding out a hand for him to take, looking like a mirage of light spit out by the darkness, as if he’s shining from within his very being as Yuuri looks at him.

“Here, let me help you up,” he says, and suddenly Yuuri can’t look directly at him, because Viktor’s blindingly white smile is just too beautiful for someone like him to gaze upon.

“N-no, that’s okay, I don’t need…” Yuuri mutters back in English in a hurry, his throat dry as he scrambles to stand on his feet again. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, except hold onto Vicchan’s leash. Now, more than ever, he wants to bolt and leave this park far, far behind. He doesn’t deserve to be near Viktor, not after the performance he showed today. He doubts Viktor even knows who he is. Why would he pay attention to some dime-a-dozen Japanese figure skater who couldn’t even make his Senior Debut until he was almost 19 and then failed miserably in his first competitions in the Senior Division? It may be Yuuri’s dream to be able to be good enough to share breathing space with Viktor, and possibly know him and be known by him, but he’s nowhere near being worthy of it yet. Meeting Viktor like this, after a day like this, just feels like the cruelest twist Fate could thrust upon him right now. The final straw to break the camel’s back in a series of everything terrible.

Viktor retracts his hand, his expression still that friendly smile Yuuri’s seen him give to the press countless times. Yuuri swallows around his dry throat, and doesn’t know what to do. He still kind of wants to run, but knows that would be utterly pathetic of him. If he did that, he would never be able to face Viktor again. He may never be able to do that as it is, but he’d like to have at least some resemblance of hope and goals left.

Then, to his surprise, it’s Viktor who breaks the silence, “It’s a good thing your dog found us, though,” he says, and Yuuri can’t help that he risks another glance at his idol’s face. His smiling expression hasn’t changed. Yuuri’s starting to find that a bit eerie too, now. “I’m afraid I’m rather lost. I don’t think I can find my way back to the hotel.”

Yuuri blinks. “You’re…lost?”

“Yes,” Viktor nods, and doesn’t sound like he’s trying to play a trick on Yuuri, although his tone is decidedly too cheerful for the occasion. “I’m afraid I left my phone at the hotel, and I can’t read the signs, so I have no idea where I am. It’s so very lucky I ran into you. I believe we’re staying at the same hotel, correct?”

Yuuri blinks again, this time more rapidly. “You…you know who I am?” he blurts, and regrets it right when the words leave his mouth. “I-I mean…!”

“Of course I know who you are, Yuuri Katsuki,” Viktor says, and finally his expression seems to change. It becomes softer at the corners, melting into a smile that somehow seems much more real to Yuuri. His eyes seem to be sparkling with genuine emotion too, with something Yuuri can’t quite name. “I watched your free program earlier. It was beautiful.”

Yuuri snorts, averting his eyes. He bites his lip. He hadn’t expected that when he would finally get to meet his idol, Viktor would mock him. “You’re lying.”

“No,” Viktor says. “I mean it. It was so lovely, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it.”

“I…I fell. I fell so many times…”

“True,” Viktor says, and Yuuri clenches his fists. He wants to retaliate, but can’t, because he said it first and it _is_ true. Everyone else trying to pretend like it isn’t doesn’t make it so. “But there was so much emotion in the way you skated. You _became_ the character, Yuuri, no one could deny that. Even when you fell, you did so with grace, and you always got back up again. You made it to the end.” Viktor’s neat shoes make echoing clattering sounds on the stony pavement. When Yuuri looks back up again, he has gotten closer to him. “Your jumps may be rather terrible-,” Yuuri just manages to hide a wince, “-but there is so much musicality in the way you skate. It’s like you _became_ the music on the ice. Jumps can be learned and taught. That kind of artistry…it can’t. And many spend their whole lives chasing after it, never quite getting it. Honestly, it was so refreshing to see a program so focused on the story and the artistry, rather than the technical elements and jumps.”

Yuuri frowns, not sure what to make of this. He still feels like Viktor is mocking him, but he doesn’t sound like it. No, he sounds almost scarily honest about what he’s saying. And he finds himself wanting to believe Viktor’s words, just a little, because Viktor is the one person whose opinion he’d never dare look down upon. “Didn’t win me a medal, though.”

“Perhaps not,” Viktor admits. “But it’s only the Grand Prix Series. There is plenty of time to improve for your Nationals, Four Continents and Worlds.” His eyes sparkle. “I hope I get to see that program again, in all its added beauty, at Worlds.”

Yuuri blushes, warmth spilling all over inside him. His heart is hammering, pumping blood all over his body, and there is a lump in his throat. He can barely breathe. He doesn’t know what to say. But for once, the nerves don’t paralyze him completely. Honestly, he feels almost alive with them, like there are fireworks bursting within him.

“I-I…” he mumbles, and immediately feels incredibly stupid and awkward. “Your…your program is beautiful too. It was no surprise you took gold today.”

Viktor smiles at that, but it somehow looks more strained than the one he was giving Yuuri earlier. “Thank you.” They stand in silence for a moment. “So, do you think you can lead me back to the hotel?”

“What?” Yuuri says, before he remembers. “Oh, right, yes, of course, just follow me.”

“Thank you so so much, I really don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t found you.” Viktor sings, and Yuuri starts to lead the way back towards where he and Vicchan came from, his dog following in the leash. Viktor follows too, with his own dog.

They walk to the edge of the park in an awkward, tense silence. Yuuri barely dares to even glance in Viktor’s direction, his heart beating wildly in his chest the entire time. He can’t believe this is happening. How is this real life? How did he just suddenly happen to personally meet his idol in the middle of the night at a park in Japan, with their dogs? He’s dreamed for years of a moment when he finally gets to speak to Viktor in person, planned for it even, has known exactly what he wants to say to him when the time would come. But those scenarios always took place at competitions after Yuuri has won a medal or two and is standing on the podium by Viktor’s side, and not when he’s run into him by accident after failing completely at a shared competition, led to him by his _dog_ of all things.

Speaking of the canines, they still seem oddly fascinated with one another, walking close by to each other and sniffing at one another occasionally. Yuuri knows almost as much about Makkachin as he knows about Viktor, because Viktor enjoys talking about his dog in interviews, as well as updating his social media with pictures of her. The dog is actually the most frequent subject of Viktor’s social media accounts, aside from bits of Viktor at various rinks around the world, practicing his routines and competing with them.

It’s a bit embarrassing to think about this situation, really. The very reason Yuuri ever got a poodle in the first place was because he was given an article to read by Yuuko about Viktor having one too. And then he’d proceeded to name the dog after Viktor. At least Yuuri didn’t end up calling Vicchan by his full name most of the time. That would’ve been much harder to explain to Viktor.

“Your poodle is adorable,” Viktor suddenly says, and Yuuri almost jumps, it’s so sudden. “What did you call him? Vichka?”

Yuuri swallow, trying to calm down and get his voice to sound normal rather than nervous and squeaky. “Vicchan. His name is Vicchan.”

“That sounds so cute! Does it hold a meaning in Japanese? Is he still a puppy or is he a miniature?”

“Sort of,” Yuuri replies, but doesn’t elaborate. There’s no way he’s telling Viktor what Vicchan’s actual name is. “And yeah, he’s a miniature. I got him when I was little, and we didn’t have too much room at my home, so we thought a miniature would be better than a standard.”

“Well, he’s an absolute gem,” Viktor coos, and there is something very soft in the way he smiles down at the dog. Vicchan seems to know he’s being talked about, because he barks cheerfully up at his namesake. “He looks so much like Makkachin when she was just a puppy.”

Yuuri has to bite his tongue so he doesn’t blurt out, _I know, that’s why I got him._

Instead, he says, “Makkachin is very cute as well. It was sweet that she tolerated Vicchan’s curiosity too.”

“She probably thinks Vicchan _is_ a puppy,” Viktor chuckles, and Yuuri feels like his heart is bursting out in rainbows and stars at the sound.

Just then, they make their way out of the park and into the streets where there is much more light, and the proper sight of Viktor and the way the city lights make his hair and eyes shine almost chokes Yuuri to the point he has to look away again. He decides to just focus on getting them back to the hotel since it wouldn’t do to be caught staring at Viktor. Yuuri has a good sense of direction, especially going back to where he has already been, so he is able to easily maneuver them towards where they need to go without even looking at the signs. Just seeing something he’s seen before helps him find his way easily enough.

And maybe it’s the fact that he knows Viktor is depending on him to find the way right now. Maybe it’s the fact that they’ve been able to have something resembling a conversation like normal people, rather than an idol and a fan, or a skating god and a nobody. Maybe it’s that Yuuri is getting tired enough not to care. But he finds himself emboldened.

So, he asks, “Viktor…why were you out this late?” Viktor blinks, and Yuuri immediately regrets his words. Who is he to ask _Viktor Nikiforov_ that? “Sorry, you don’t have to-!”

“Well, I guess I could ask you the same thing, Yuuri,” Viktor interrupts, and there is that sparkle in his eyes again. His smile has something almost teasing in it, and Yuuri finds himself calmer again at the sight of it. “But I suppose I just wanted some fresh air, and to maybe see a bit more of Japan before I return to Russia tomorrow. I was unable to sleep, and it felt like a waste to just remain in bed when there was a chance to be doing something more interesting.”

And somehow, Viktor’s words make Yuuri feel even more at ease. Hearing that Viktor, too, sometimes can’t sleep, couldn’t sleep tonight just like Yuuri couldn’t, seems to make him more relatable, more human in Yuuri’s eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep either,” Yuuri finds himself admitting. “I suppose I kept thinking…about today. And it felt redundant for me, too, to waste the time when I have to leave so soon.” He glances down at his dog. “Leave Vicchan.”

Viktor blinks. “He’s not returning with you?”

“I train in America,” Yuuri says, and it stings to think about already. Think about the cold emptiness he will have to go back to in Detroit. “I live in a training facility there, while also going to school. I can’t have Vicchan with me there, they don’t allow animals. And…” he swallows, blinking rapidly at his burning eyes. It was hard enough to leave Vicchan behind the first time. How is he supposed to do that again tomorrow? And poor Vicchan too, he must be so confused to have Yuuri here and then have him disappear again. God, he’s so selfish. He should never have asked Mari to bring him here…

“Yuuri?” Viktor asks, his tone soft. “Are you quite all right?”

Yuuri bites the inside of his mouth, trying to hold his tears in. Hasn’t he cried enough for one day? “Just…” he murmurs. “I’m so busy nowadays. I’m not sure I would have the time to take care of Vicchan to the degree he deserves. He’s better off staying with my family in Japan.”

There is silence between them. Yuuri can’t look at Viktor, can only bite his lip and try and stop himself from bursting into tears. The last thing he wants is for Viktor to see his breakdown. He should never have said anything about this. It’s not Viktor’s problem. He shouldn’t have to listen to Yuuri be all mopey about his dog. Just because they’ve been conversing politely doesn’t mean Yuuri has the right to unload on him like this. God, he’s such an _idiot_ …

But to his surprise, Viktor reaches over and places a gentle hand on Yuuri’s upper arm. When Yuuri finally dares to look up into Viktor’s eyes, they are warm and kind.

“I can’t even imagine what that must be like. I would miss Makkachin so terribly if I had to leave her like that,” he reaches to rub at his dog’s head with his free hand. “Not to mention going to a whole new country to train, and going to school while you’re doing it. That must’ve taken so much courage. I’m not sure I could’ve done that. I even quit university to focus only on skating.”

Yuuri knows. He read it in a magazine a few years ago.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Yuuri says. “I just…I feel bad for leaving him behind. I hate that I can’t be there for him the way he needs me to.”

“Then use that feeling,” Viktor says. “If there is nothing else to do about it, take that feeling and put it into your skating. It will make it worth it, all of it, for you. If you must be away from your dog, your family, make it count for something, and work hard. Make them see your feelings in the way that you skate.” There is something determined and incredible in Viktor’s eyes, something that makes Yuuri unable to look away even slightly. “Put that emotion into your program, and bring it with you to Worlds. Everyone you love will see it there, and know your sacrifices weren’t in vain.”

Yuuri can barely breathe. He can only look at Viktor, trace the stars he sees in his eyes, and listen to his words as he whispers a quiet yet certain, “Yes.”

At that, Viktor’s smile spreads into the widest grin Yuuri has ever seen on him, anywhere. The shape of it kind of resembles a heart. “Wonderful! I’m looking forward to seeing that!”

Yuuri gulps, and momentarily manages to take in air again. “L-let’s continue. It’s getting late.”

“Yes, indeed,” Viktor says, and allows Yuuri lead the way once more.

They make their way through the mostly deserted streets in silence, but this time, it’s not so uncomfortable. Yuuri still feels strange walking with his idol, and barely dares to look at him, but he doesn’t feel as high-strung to be with him as he used to. It doesn’t take them much longer to find the hotel.

“Oh, thank god!” Viktor says as they turn a corner and see it. He then turns at Yuuri. “How can I ever thank you? You truly saved us tonight, Yuuri.”

Yuuri shrugs, smiling a bit nervously. “It was nothing. I was happy to do it.”

“Well, could I at least get your phone number? I would like to be able to get in touch with you at Worlds.”

Yuuri blinks. He couldn’t have heard that right, could he? There is no way that Viktor Nikiforov is asking for his phone number, right? Yuuri must’ve fallen asleep in his bed after all, and this is all some bizarre dream. He’s assuming it’s about to turn into a nightmare, too; one where Viktor laughs at his gullibility for thinking someone like him would want the number of someone like Yuuri.

Yuuri waits it out, gulping, his heart hammering, hoping he’ll just wake up.

But Viktor just keeps smiling to the point where it starts looking kind of strained, almost like it’s frozen on his face as it takes on that weirdly eerie-looking quality again. “Well? How about it?”

Yuuri swallows and licks his lips, feeling lightheaded. He’s not quite sure what is happening, can’t make out what Viktor is thinking. He doesn’t think he likes that weird smile he’s wearing very much. It’s strange because it’s never bothered him when he’s seen it in a magazine or on TV, but in real life it just makes him feel like something is not quite right. At the same time, the mere fact that Viktor would want his phone number makes him feel almost like lightning has struck him right in the heart. It hurts, but at the same time it feels electrifying, making his whole body tingle with emotions he can’t quite put a name to. They make him shiver, but also seem to steady him in a strange way, grounding him with the knowledge that Viktor’s _here_ , with Yuuri, asking for Yuuri’s phone number.

And what else is there for Yuuri to say to that sort of request from Viktor Nikiforov than, “Why?”

Viktor blinks, but his smile doesn’t go away. “Why what?”

“Why would you want my number?”

Viktor’s smile vanishes as he purses his lips. Honestly, Yuuri kind of prefers it that way. It’s much easier to read for one.

“What kind of reason would you want me to have?” Viktor says, and that eerie smile returns.

And maybe it’s that smile that has Yuuri saying, “Just tell me the truth. Please.” Yuuri’s not sure what he’ll do if Viktor says it’s just out of pity or gratitude or because it’s just something Viktor does with every new skater he meets. He always thought that when he came in contact with his idol, he’d do anything to gain his attention, do anything to please him and would thank heavens for the chance of even getting to be in his presence. But strangely, now that he is here, and has this chance to really perhaps know Viktor, he finds that isn’t enough. After the day he’s had, he’s tired of everyone’s false sympathy.

Viktor blinks a few times. Then, his face seems to soften. “Well, I said I’d like to get in touch at Worlds. That was true. But I also think it would be nice to keep talking about dogs and skating with someone the way we have.” He pauses, averting his eyes. “And you seem kind, and I just thought…” he trails off. If Yuuri didn’t know better, he’d say Viktor looks almost… _nervous_.

And that, along with his words, and the way they make Yuuri’s heart throb, are enough to melt away Yuuri’s doubts. Most of them anyway. “Okay then. Sure. I…I can give you my number, if you want it.”

In a flash, Viktor turns to look at him again, eyes wide as he blinks rapidly, and for a split second Yuuri is afraid he’s said something wrong. But then Viktor’s eyes start sparkling again, his eyebrows arched in eagerness, his mouth starting to resemble a heart once more. It makes Yuuri’s heart jump, thinking he could’ve put that expression on Viktor’s face. He likes this smile so, so much more than the one before. “Really?”

“Y-yeah…sure. Of course.”

“Let’s go inside, I’ll give you my number on a paper. You can just text me so I’ll get yours, too,” Viktor says, and starts to hurry across the street to the hotel. Yuuri follows, his head still swimming over what is happening.

They get a pen and a note of paper from the receptionist working the night, and Viktor scribbles his number on it with a happy smile on his face, actually _humming_ under his breath as he writes. Yuuri’s heart is still hammering in his chest, and he’s still sort of waiting to wake up from this strange, wonderful dream.

“Here!” Viktor grins, thrusting the piece of paper into Yuuri’s hands. “Now, we should probably go get some sleep. But text me before you go to bed, okay? I don’t want you to forget.”

As if Yuuri ever could forget something like that. “O-okay…”

They head for the elevators, pressing the buttons of their own floors, spending the journey up in a strange silence. When the elevator doors open at the right floor, Yuuri begins to head out, as Viktor is staying a few floors above him. But Viktor’s hand grabbing his wrist stops him momentarily.

“Don’t forget, okay?” Viktor murmurs, so quiet Yuuri almost feels like it’s imagined. “I’ll see you at Worlds.”

Normally, Yuuri would never dare assume he’d make it to Worlds. Nothing is a given for him. He might fail at Nationals the way he did here today, and may not make it. He doesn’t dare say anything is for certain, especially when it comes to accomplishing anything. He’s found it a mostly effective tactic, because when he doesn’t promise anything, he also can’t disappoint so much.

But now, here, with Viktor holding onto his wrist and asking him to promise to text him, to see him…Yuuri finds himself unable to do anything but promise.

“I will,” he whispers. “I’ll see you.”

“Good,” Viktor says, and lets Yuuri go. Yuuri steps out, and just has time to see Viktor’s softly smiling face when he turns around, before the doors to the elevator close. His wrist tingles with warmth from where Viktor held it.

His heart is still in his throat when he quietly finds his way to the room he shares with Celestino with Vicchan. He finds his phone where he left it on his nightstand to avoid being contacted by anyone, and inserts Viktor’s number in there, sending off a quick text.

_From: Me_

_This is Yuuri._

He changes quickly back into his sleepwear and settles into his bed, Vicchan against his side, already snuffling to sleep. Celestino is still snoring in his bed, and doesn’t seem to have woken up or noticed Yuuri’s been gone.

A reply comes almost immediately after Yuuri has slipped under the covers.

_From: Viktor_

_< 3\. Good night, Yuuri. Have a safe flight tomorrow._

Yuuri’s heart jumps at the sign of that little heart, even though it probably doesn’t mean anything. Maybe it’s just something Viktor does when he texts? Still, the sight of it seems to give Yuuri some of the courage he needs to type back a message with shaky fingers.

_From: Me_

_You as well._ _Good night._

He sets his phone back on the nightstand, curls around Vicchan, and falls asleep with a soft smile on his face. Strangely, though so much has happened, he feels more at peace than he has in a long time, and like tomorrow is something he can actually look forward to.

…

**Viktor Nikiforov**

20 min ·

[image]

Getting to sleep with my best girl. Thanks everyone for your support during the GPS! I think the most interesting things are yet to happen over the skating season, though ;).

246 likes · 58 comments

**Ellie Martinez**

Congratulations on your win! Makka is adorable as always! <3.

**Natalia Petrova**

Congrats Vitya! We’ll be waiting for your return home!

**Christophe Giacometti**

I’ll see you at the GPF.

**Juulia Korpi**

What do you mean by that last bit? Do you have something special in mind for the rest of the season?

**Phichit Chulanont**

Isn’t it super late in Japan right now? Why are you even up at this hour? Jet lag?

**Viktor Nikiforov**

** Phichit Chulanont** ;D.

 


	2. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who commented so far! I hope you'll continue to like my content and keep on commenting :).
> 
> Warning that there is some sexual content in this chapter and that such will be underlying the fic throughout.

_ Yakov Feltsman breaks off contract with Mikhail Volkov over Mikhail’s relationship _

_By Jamie Holtz_

_(April 10, 2001)_

_There is hardly anyone in the figure skating world who hasn’t heard the names Mikhail Volkov and Nathan Duval in recent times. The pair has been prominent on the international field of men’s singles figure skating for a few years now, but especially came into focus during and after the 1998 Winter Olympic Games,_ _where Volkov won silver and Duval bronze, with only a 1.34 point’s difference between them. The duo have been especially well-known for their friendly rivalry, and for as long as they have been skating on the same ice, Volkov (22) and Duval (21) have claimed to be very close friends, even though they are possibly also each other’s biggest rival. They’ve often been quoted saying how much they inspire one another and how much harder they work when thinking about what the other one has planned for the next season, and there has been much speculation amongst fans about the true nature of their relationship. However, those remained mere rumors until around a week ago, when it became rather clear quite fast that the two are, indeed, more than friends._

_Volkov and Duval were caught and photographed kissing in the men’s changing room after the conclusion of the 2001 Figure Skating World Championships. The two were later confirmed to be in a relationship by Volkov’s PR team, meaning that the kiss was not only a one-time thing between excited friends after a win for Volkov, with Duval winning silver right behind him once more._

_Perhaps if it had been any other skater than Volkov, the affair could have been forgotten with time as the scandal of the year. While the relationship has had its condemners, there has also been much support shown for Volkov and Duval. However, it appears that the scandal will have much more lasting consequences than almost anyone has wanted, but that everyone has been aware of. Volkov has famously been training under one of the most prominent figure skating coaches of recent history, Yakov Feltsman, who first made name for himself as the bronze medalist of the 1964 Winter Olympics at the prime of his own skating career, but has since shown that his true talent lies within coaching. He has helped young skaters bring medals to Russia since it was still known as the Soviet Union. Feltsman (56) has, however, also long been controversial over the additional clause in the contracts he makes with all the skaters that become his students. This clause, commonly known as “Yakov’s Rule,” forbids any and all types of intimate relationships while the skaters train under Feltsman’s guidance. By engaging in his secret affair, Volkov has therefore breached the contract and his coach’s trust in the worst possible way._

_Indeed, Feltsman has broken off his contract with Volkov and is declining to work with him any longer. “Mikhail knew what was at stake, and that I don’t kid around about this,” Feltsman commented. “I refuse to work with skaters who aren’t willing to give the sport and me all that they have. I want fulltime commitment from them, and that they make their careers a priority for as long as they get to have them. Intimate affairs are a distraction from that. That is why I have this clause. Figure skaters only have a brief window of time that they can be competitive; they have the rest of their lives to focus on romance if they’re so inclined. If Mikhail didn’t like it, he should’ve found another coach.”_

_As he has so far refused to personally comment on anything relating to the matter, it is uncertain what Volkov’s next move will be following the scandal and the loss of his coach. As if both of those weren’t bad enough, his troubles don’t end with them. Although the ISU rules do not officially forbid relationships between people directly rivalling each other in competitions, such affairs are still incredibly frowned upon by the public. They tend to be seen as marks of unprofessionalism and as conflicts of interest since the skaters involved may not be ready to give their all against someone they deeply care about. Indeed, many of Volkov’s previous sponsors have spoken of withdrawing their support for him, which may provide some additional difficulties if Volkov decides to keep skating. It is also questionable whether any new coach will have him following the scandal._

_Volkov’s partner, Duval, has not been untouched by the consequences of the affair either. His coach has no rules about relationships like Feltsman, but it does not seem like she approves of them either, and neither do many of Duval’s sponsors._

_Unlike Volkov, Duval gave a short statement yesterday considering the matter. “I’ve let myself be foolish and be led around by my emotions,” he said at the press conference. “From now on, I want everyone to know my priorities are my career and my country. I will not be led astray again. I hope to be able to regain the trust of all of you, and to show you I can be the champion that you deserve.”_

_This seems to imply that as far as Duval is concerned, the relationship is over and done with. Whether he actually meant what he said or was just trying to save face, remains to be seen, as well as how his lover will respond to Duval’s statement. Coach Feltsman, regardless, has made it clear he will not be taking Volkov back even if the relationship has come to its end._

…

Right away when Yuuri lands in Detroit and turns his phone back on, there is a message from Viktor waiting for him.

_From: Viktor_

_[attached: picture] I hope your flight went well. Makkachin and I will be cheering you on!_

Yuuri can’t help the wistful smile that breaks out at the sight of Viktor with his adorable poodle, and it both makes him miss Vicchan terribly and makes him feel a bit better about coming back. It reminds him why he’s doing what he’s doing, and of his new goal and determination. It also feels almost like someone is welcoming him back, and it makes him feel slightly less alone. To think that that person is Viktor, whom Yuuri has always looked up to more than anyone else, whose attention he’s dreamed of gaining like this, sends his heart pounding.

In the following weeks, invigorated once more, Yuuri throws himself into training. It’s not as though he wasn’t working hard before, but it feels like his promise to see Viktor at Worlds has lit a fire inside of him. That fire helps him keep pushing himself and scorches him from within if he feels like he’s not working the hardest he can be. He finds he’s becoming less agreeable to Celestino’s rules after his big failure at the NHK Trophy. Yuuri knows what works for him, what helps him be at his best, and he’s never going to be at his best if he’s not allowed to work as hard as he possibly can. That has always been the only way he could ever accomplish anything. He hasn’t been blessed with much natural talent when it comes to figure skating or the perfect genes that would help him get very far. His legs aren’t particularly long when compared to the rest of his body, he gains weight far too easily when he needs to be as light on his feet as possible, and his flexibility has been honed only through having danced ballet since he was two years old. All Yuuri’s had to help him get where he is now are his work ethic and excess amounts of time to practice. If he couldn’t learn something in the first three tries, he’d do it in ten, in fifty, in hundred, until he got it right.

So, little by little, Yuuri starts doing what he knows best once more, even if he has to keep it a secret from his coach. He knows Celestino means well, but Yuuri can’t keep doing what he’s been doing since he arrived at Detroit because it’s clearly not working for him. He’s never had that many friends, but he’s always had skating and dancing, and he needs them now more than ever. So, he finds himself a 24-hour gym with a studio space, and another, smaller rink within a running distance from his tiny apartment that stays open even after he finishes official practice with Celestino and his coach tells him to go and get some rest. If Yuuri’s still unsatisfied and feeling restless after Celestino lets him go in order to work with his other students, Yuuri heads for one of these options puts in as much work as _he_ deems acceptable.

His conscience gnaws at him for this and sometimes he’s afraid he’s overworking himself, but he can’t bring himself to stop once he’s started. And he’s always put in long hours, with or without a proper coach. He believes he knows well enough where his limits lie. He makes sure to practice only his steps and figure eights when he’s alone on the ice, though.

He still has to go to school, too, and keep up his grades, but Yuuri has been juggling school and skating his entire life, so he’s become quite good at time management. It’s actually a bit easier in college than it used to be because he can sleep through some of his general lectures in the mornings if he’s too tired. Still, the guilt of keeping a secret from Celestino follows him everywhere and won’t leave him no matter how much he trains. He just wishes he could tell someone about it, get some support. He can’t really tell Minako-sensei or Mari-neechan because that would just lead to a stern talking-to about the dangers of training alone. His parents probably wouldn’t have an opinion to express at all, barely aware of anything concerning figure skating as they are. He considers texting Yuuko a few times, but ends up dismissing the idea each time. Yuuko doesn’t have the time to deal with his problems. She’s a mother of three young children who additionally works full time and Yuuri can’t bring himself to add any weight to her burden. If he was back in Hasetsu he’d talk to Vicchan and he’d press against him and kiss his face. It would make some of the guilt go away, even if Vicchan couldn’t say anything. Right now though, the thought of Vicchan and the way Yuuri’s so far away from him only makes him want to work harder.

And then, Yuuri remembers who encouraged him to do just that. To put how much he misses Vicchan and his home and his family into his skating and his training, and he gets the overwhelming _need_ to talk about it. And perhaps because Yuuri’s been bombarded with pictures of Makkachin and little messages about Viktor’s day since the NHK Trophy, or because he really has tired himself out enough not to second-guess himself for a little bit, he ends up texting Viktor and telling him all about it.

_From: Viktor_

_I work really hard too, you know. I’m always the first one at the rink and the last one to leave. Don’t ever let anyone tell you hard work doesn’t pay off. I didn’t get this far with sheer talent either. I think it’s great you’re putting in the effort! That’s what a real champion would do!_

_From: Viktor_

_Just don’t ever train completely alone, all right? I don’t want you to get hurt, especially without anyone to help you nearby._

_From: Me_

_Okay._

It’s still odd for Yuuri to think he now carries a direct line of connection to his idol in his pocket. That Viktor texts him now, and Yuuri can text back if he so chooses. He still has a hard time finding the right words to talk to anyone, let alone Viktor Nikiforov, and he has to think about his answers for a long time before he can send them to Viktor…but Viktor seems strangely driven to text him regardless, and it makes Yuuri feel warmer inside than he’s been in months.

…

_From: Viktor_

_I’m getting very tired of chicken breasts. How I wish it was the off-season already so I could eat some proper food!_

Yuuri laughs seeing this message, because he was, incidentally, also eating chicken breast just when he received it at his tiny apartment’s kitchen table. It seems strange that Viktor would have similar thoughts and feelings about food as Yuuri does during the skating season, to know that Viktor, too, sometimes struggles to stick to a strict diet. The knowledge of that reminds Yuuri of how they both also couldn’t sleep the night that they met, and he can’t help but feel a certain connection there. It also makes him feel less alone, knowing someone out there understands.

_From: Me_

_I know what you mean._

Because it’s _Viktor Nikiforov_ , Yuuri doesn’t bother telling him _how much_ he relates and how much he hates his body sometimes for the way it is; that it sometimes makes it seem like he only has to _look_ at a hamburger to gain two pounds, that even on his birthday about a week ago, Yuuri only dared to eat a cupcake to celebrate. Viktor wouldn’t be interested in all of that, Yuuri’s pretty sure. And he would like to save some face with his idol at least.

At the same time, no matter how bizarre it all seems or how lucky Yuuri can’t believe he is, the more he talks to Viktor about general things, gets to hear about his days and his life, the more human he starts to become in Yuuri’s field of vision. He’s coming to realize how much Viktor works to be where he is, but he doesn’t really listen to his coach much. Viktor loves his dog more than anything, and can’t stand cabbage; he enjoys greasy food more than is advisable for him to eat, and he tries to compensate that by adding a lot of spice to his skating season meals. He apparently cooks most of what he eats himself and likes to read when he’s not skating. And evidently he finds something worthwhile in Yuuri, because their conversations continue.

It feels good to have someone to talk to again, even if it is via phone. As much as Yuuri tries to keep in touch with his family and the Nishigoris, the truth is that they all have very busy lives and can’t make the time for it as often as they’d like, especially with the time difference in the way. Yuuri also has to admit that the fact he used to be able to talk to them face-to-face before almost every day has made it difficult to suddenly have to be content with talking just via texting. It’s easier with Viktor, whom he’s mostly gotten to know like that, without having spent much time with him in person.

It hurts to know it can’t last.

Because Yuuri honestly really, really likes Viktor the Person. A lot.  Even without the idol aspect and his long-lasting attraction to Viktor, he’s finding he also just really likes listening to whatever Viktor has to say. He finds himself rushing to check his phone for messages every break he gets and actually has to make a vow for himself to keep his phone in his bag during class so he won’t spend the entire time looking at it. He keeps wishing he could check his phone more often during practice too, even during times when he’s sure Viktor’s asleep. He’s getting better at sending back proper replies and being more punctual about them too, as much as he can with the time difference anyway. The affectionate excitement that makes his heart beat in whole new ways hasn’t gone away in the slightest the longer he keeps on texting with Viktor. If anything, it only keeps increasing. And Yuuri honestly kind of has no idea what to do with that.

Sometimes in the darkness of the night, lying in his tiny bed in his tiny apartment that is still far too cold and lonely, Yuuri wonders how long it will be until Viktor gets bored with him. Just having Viktor text him every day about every little detail that goes on in his life makes him so unbelievably happy. They are the highlight of his day even though he generally feels like he has nothing particularly interesting to say back. He’s sure Viktor talks to plenty of people with much more fascinating lives than Yuuri, so why does he keep texting _him_ of all people? He knows of course that Viktor is always courteous and polite to his fellow skaters and his fans, but this seems to be pushing it. Especially with the way Viktor won’t stop encouraging and complimenting him.

_From: Viktor_

_I watched videos of you skating again today. You really shone at the Junior Nationals in 2007! I think the Lohengrin program is my favorite one of yours._

_From: Viktor_

_You’re always so beautifully expressive on the ice. I believe you may have better presentation than even me in some of your programs. It would be fascinating to see which one of us can get a better presentation score at Worlds._

_From: Viktor_

_It’s good that you’re using that expressiveness in your skating, but I feel like you don’t take enough advantage of everything else you might have to offer. Given how much work you seem to put into your training every day, I rather imagine you must have a lot of stamina, Yuuri. I think you could use that much more than you do now._

Yuuri generally doesn’t know how to answer to such praise. He usually only sends back a shy ‘thank you,’ which he hesitates to send for about five minutes every time. But because it’s Viktor, he finds himself thinking about the words when he’s casually doing figure eights on the ice in his own time. The rink he uses for his secret practice is smaller and shabbier than the enormous, well-equipped and famous one Celestino reserves for his students, but Yuuri is more than comfortable here. It doesn’t get as much traffic so he gets to be in peace most of the time, and he doesn’t stand out from the mass and no one questions or knows him here. Here the judging eyes of his rinkmates don’t follow him around everywhere as he skates. It reminds him of Ice Castle, too, which makes him feel more at peace and at home. It’s times like this that he can allow his mind to return to his program, let the mindset of Odette take over. He tries to think about her as perfection personified, reflecting the true notion of “Purity.” But just like when he was skating at the NHK Trophy, it all rings false. He’s not perfect; he makes more mistakes than he can count in everything he does; falls down with his wings cut and his grace stolen. He can’t become the character like this.

Then his mind returns to what he was thinking at the NHK Trophy. Why must he emulate perfection as the definition of “purity?” Why did _Odette_ have to, when it did nothing except make her unhappy?

He opens his eyes, and before he can think about it, he has rushed off the ice, barely pausing to put his skate guards on, to find his phone.

_From: Me_

_I think I want to change some parts of my free program._

He only realizes to regret the message after it’s been sent, he was in such a frenzy of emotions, and his heart jumps into his throat. Why did he tell _Viktor_ about that? Why did he want to do that? No matter what else he may be, Viktor is also competition to him. He won’t want to help Yuuri, even if he cared enough to do so.

But then, his phone pings with a message, and even through his frantic heartbeat, Yuuri can’t not look at it.

_From: Viktor_

_What are you thinking?_

Yuuri swallows, but types with shaky fingers. He makes sure it’s all grammatically correct before he sends the message.

_From: Me_

_Celestino and I had a thought about what I should express with the program, but I don’t think it’s working. I end up thinking about another angle when I skate the program, and I think it would work better for me if I take it further with that angle._

_From: Viktor_

_Tell me more._

And, against all odds, Yuuri does.

_From: Me_

_We thought about expressing the idea of my theme, “Purity” as perfection in Odette, like the ballerinas who play her with grace, control and elegance. But I don’t think I can personify that sort of perfection, and it doesn’t feel right to me. I feel like I’m forcing her into a role like everyone else around her, and I don’t want to do that._

_From: Viktor_

_It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into it already. It could work very well as a story. Try and think about what exactly it is you want to say, and text me later when you’ve figured it out._

Yuuri goes back to the ice after that, too worked up to return to his apartment quite yet. He lets the ice take over, thinks about Odette and the white swan, and skates mindlessly until he finds his peace and his core.

As he gets off the ice, he texts Viktor again.

_From: Me_

_I want Odette to break free._

The reply is fast.

_From: Viktor_

_That sounds perfect._

_From: Viktor_

_I will help you, if you want my advice._

Reading that, Yuuri’s heart leaps into his throat. Help with his choreography from Viktor Nikiforov, who choreographs all his winning programs himself? It’s like a dream come true. He almost starts typing _yes_ without thinking about it, but then remembers himself, and hesitates.

_From: Me_

_Why? Aren’t we competitors?_

Perhaps Viktor just doesn’t take him seriously enough as a skater; doesn’t think Yuuri could do well enough to rival him even with an improved choreography. It would make sense, given their international standings. Perhaps that’s why Viktor has been talking to him, even. Maybe he’s bored and has taken Yuuri on as some sort of charity case to raise him up just far enough that he can take credit for it in his mind, but not enough that Yuuri will rise up to challenge him.

His phone pings.

_From: Viktor_

_Because I believe you might be the only one who can challenge me as a skater, and I skate the best when I’m challenged. You merely need the right tools to work with, and I wish to help you with that._

And that makes Yuuri’s heart throb for an entirely different reason. He can feel his face heat up too as his hands grow sweaty.

He can’t be sure if Viktor’s lying of course, or what his real motives truly are…but even if he doesn’t truly think Yuuri can grow to challenge him…

Yuuri types, feeling that fire that followed him back to Detroit from Japan become newly ignited.

_From: Me_

_I would appreciate your help._

He sends the first message. But before Viktor can mark it as “read,” Yuuri finds himself typing more.

_From: Me_

_And I’ll definitely challenge you._

He waits with a thrumming heart for the reply that comes quickly after.

_From: Viktor_

_Give me a few days, and I’ll get back to you._

There is a pause, but then Viktor sends in another message, too.

_From: Viktor_

_I look forward to the challenge ;)._

…

When Viktor sends back a message containing the layout for his suggested updated version of Yuuri’s free skate, Yuuri’s first thought is, _Can I really skate to this?_

The second is, _I can’t wait to skate to this._

He starts out by trying the updated program out on his own without any jumps, just to be safe, and to test it to the music, and he when he skates to it, he feels rather like when he did when he first stepped onto the ice as a child. When everything seemed to click into place and he felt like he could actually _do_ something and like he could just _breathe_ while he was skating. The program feels natural to him, like his whole life has been leading up to being able to skate this program. It works much better with what he really wants to say with the program, with the music and it also has more jumps in the second half for more points. He really, really loves this program. He has the maintenance man working at the rink film him skating it on his phone so he can send it to Viktor as a small token of appreciation.

He, however, knows if he really wants to use this program, he needs to bring Celestino in on it. He can’t practice the jumps by himself, for one, and he also wants to know what his coach thinks of the program, and if he approves of it. But he’s also scared out of his mind of telling his coach he’s not happy with the original choreography that Celestino worked so hard on.

Because Viktor is the only one who knows both about the new program and Yuuri’s secret practices, he ends up talking to him about it.

_From: Viktor_

_Your coach is meant to be there for your benefit. If something isn’t working right, you need to let him know. He can’t read minds, Yuuri. He won’t be able to help you if he doesn’t know what you’re thinking._

_From: Viktor_

_From what I know, Celestino seems like an agreeable man and coach, and I think he cares about you a great deal. You should talk to him._

_From: Viktor_

_Your practice run looked beautiful, by the way :)._

_From: Viktor_

_But your free leg looked rather sloppy at 1:31. Make sure you don’t slack off with that!_

Viktor’s praise and words always make Yuuri feel so warm inside, but he finds he also appreciates the criticism. It makes the praise easier to bear because Yuuri’s starting to understand that Viktor doesn’t lie to him. He says what is on his mind, both the bad and the good, and that means he’s also honest about the good. The criticism is also generally useful and helps Yuuri improve as he skates. Viktor is encouraging, but his way of being that way is through pushing Yuuri to be his best and Yuuri honestly appreciates that. He’s never liked it when people treat him with kid-gloves or like he might break at the slightest negative word. It also makes him feel a bit more like Viktor might actually truly believe in him like he says.

So, he gathers his courage at the end of practice with Celestino, and talks to him about the updated choreography.

He doesn’t tell him where the suggestions come from; he and Viktor agreed it would be best kept under wraps in case Celestino got suspicious. He’s also come up with detailed explanations for why it’s important he changes the choreography; that he needs to challenge himself to make it in Seniors if he wants to make it as far as he can, or even past Nationals. But before he can even get that much further in his explanation, Celestino grins and slams a big hand on Yuuri’s shoulder.

“I was getting a bit worried there when you didn’t talk to me at all about what you were thinking about the choreography!” he laughs. “Let me see that layout, and we’ll start working on it tomorrow, okay?”

And Yuuri, bewildered and shocked, can only nod and hand him the notes.

…

Celestino ends up downgrading two jumps from the updated program.

“Yuuri, I just don’t think you’re quite at the level this choreography requires just yet, and I don’t want you to wreck your body too early. It’s good you want to challenge yourself, but you shouldn’t do it to the point where you endanger yourself.” Yuuri just manages to avoid a wince, thinking about his secret practice sessions. “You’re only 19; you have plenty of time to grow into a fantastic athlete and skater. But for now, don’t push yourself to an early breaking point.”

And Yuuri, as much as he hates it, ends up agreeing, telling himself it’s for the best and he should listen to his older, wiser coach. He’s spent enough time doing what he thinks is best already.

He still loves the updated program more than he ever thought he would, now that he gets to skate it in its real form. It makes his heart pound with nerves, and he sometimes worries up in the night in wonder at what he’s doing, but all that does in the end is make him work even harder to perfect the program. He wants to prove he’s made the right call, that what he feels for this program isn’t all in vain. And he can’t help but think that this is exactly what a real Senior Debut should feel like, and that this is a program much more worthy of his Debut Season. Celestino also works him harder now to get him and the program ready for Nationals, so Yuuri doesn’t need to sneak out to practice on his own as often. He usually just dances now if he feels the need to put in some extra work, but for the most part the difficulty level of his new free skate wears him out enough that he can actually sleep rather peacefully at night.

Viktor keeps sending him skating advice in return for the videos Celestino films so Yuuri can review his progress in his own time, and which Yuuri sends Viktor at his request. In return, he’s been sent pictures of Makkachin and videos of Viktor practicing, and they feel like the best treasures he could ever imagine, getting this type of intimate view into Viktor’s life. Viktor always looks so determined when he’s training, so focused with his blue eyes blazing, and his long, graceful limbs moving with precision across the ice. It makes Yuuri’s heart pound a mile a minute in his chest. To Yuuri, Viktor has always been at his most gorgeous when he’s skating, but now that he can attach that image of him to the Viktor who talks to him and texts him and helps him improve as a skater…

Watching him makes Yuuri’s skin tingle all over, like there are firecrackers sparkling all across his body. He has hot and embarrassing and sticky dreams about Viktor’s piercing gaze, of the way he held Yuuri’s wrist in Japan, of his voice telling Yuuri how beautiful he looks out on the ice. Yuuri hates himself for how many cold showers he needs to take just so he can avoid touching himself to thoughts of Viktor. It’s not that that isn’t something he hasn’t done before (not that it ever got any less embarrassing), but now that he actually _knows_ Viktor, it feels even less right than when he was just a poster on Yuuri’s wall he tended to stare at and think about as he sought out relief.

He’s always thought Viktor as attractive, of course. He’s not sure there is any degree someone can be not attracted to men where they don’t find Viktor Nikiforov eye-catching. But Viktor used to be a distant figure that was perhaps a part of Yuuri’s future somewhere down the line as a competitor, possibly as a friend. He was more like a God to Yuuri than a human being and that made him distant enough to make it somewhat okay to masturbate to thoughts of him. But now…

Now Viktor is someone he’s actually getting to know, something like a friend almost and someone Yuuri actually talks to. He’s also someone Yuuri’s distinctly aware he can never have in more way than one. There is no way Viktor would ever be interested in someone like him in that way, when even the thought of them casually texting makes Yuuri still want to pinch himself to make sure he’s not dreaming. But even if he would want Yuuri, such a relationship is just not possible. Yuuri, like everyone else in the skating world, is more than aware of Yakov’s Rule and what it means for everyone who trains under Yakov Feltsman. It’s certainly broken many hearts in the Viktor fan community, even if it hasn’t quite stopped the rumors that Viktor is side-stepping that rule and sleeping with a new person in every city he visits. Yuuri isn’t without a stake either in lusting after a fellow competitor. He may not hold as many sponsorships as some, but the few that he has he desperately needs. He’s already been enough of a financial burden to his family growing up; now that he’s in the Senior Division, he needs to be able to pay his way through by his own merits as much as he can.

All of this makes it rather difficult to jerk off to the image of Viktor in his mind. But at least Yuuri can count on guilt as the ultimate boner killer.

It’s just too bad that it doesn’t stop the images of Viktor from haunting him in his sleep. Yuuri’s found what works best there is what tends to help him sleep anyway: just exhausting himself enough so he doesn’t actually remember his dreams. So, he keeps working hard and applying Celestino and Viktor’s corrections until his body is bruised and aching to the point where his mind is clear of all thought and if he dreams, it’s only about his program.

Shyly, one night when he returns to his apartment exhausted enough not to overthink things as much, Yuuri finds it in himself to text Viktor about how well his program is coming along and how big of a help Viktor has been with it. He also wishes him good luck at the Grand Prix Final, which is coming soon. After that, he can barely keep his eyes open, and falls deep into sleep that allows him rest without any sort of bothersome dreams.

When he wakes up, there is a new message from Viktor waiting in his phone.

_From: Viktor_

_I can’t wait to see the new program! Will you be watching the GPF? I hope you will ;)._

Yuuri blushes, and has to bury his face in his hands for a while before he can even think about replying, his heart hammering in his chest with multiple emotions he can’t quite name. But he doesn’t want Viktor to think he’s ungrateful, or that he’s stopped liking Viktor’s skating or looking forward to seeing it, so he replies:

_From: Me_

_Of course I will watch._

He hesitates another minute. But then he finds himself adding:

_So you better win out there._

He sends it before he can think about it further. His heart keeps thrumming in his ears, his face heating up in a flush and his skin tingling. He can hardly believe he typed that, let alone sent it. But Viktor has been challenging him because he wished for a challenge back. And if that’s what he wants, Yuuri is willing to provide that for him. It’s all honestly rather thrilling and kind of makes him want to clutch his pillow and roll around his bed with excitement.

When his phone pings with a new message, Yuuri’s worked himself up into such glee that he almost falls off the bed reaching for his phone.

_From: Viktor_

_I’ll win. So bring me challenge to Worlds as a prize ;)._

Seeing the message makes Yuuri’s heart skip a beat, but just like before, it doesn’t happen in a way that hurts or scares him. It all rather makes him feel like he just has so many wonderful things coursing through his whole being that he can’t contain them within his body. He almost wants to laugh just to release all those feelings. Yuuri doesn’t think he’s ever felt like this. This mix of excitement and affection, to such a degree that he feels like he might burst. He can’t help the smile that spreads on his face, and can’t stop the small, happy hitching noises that come out from the back of his throat.

He knows that no matter what, his time with Viktor is limited. Sooner or later Viktor will find someone else to turn his attention to. Yuuri can’t be sure when exactly that will be, but it’s bound to happen. Someone like Yuuri can’t ever hope to hold the attention of someone like Viktor for a very long time. But for now, Yuuri has him. He doesn’t know how long it might last, or why Viktor is interested in the first place right this moment, but right now, he has Viktor’s attention. He figures he can let himself enjoy it for what it is for now.

_From: Me_

_Okay. Do your best!_

…

The Grand Prix Final is held in Los Angeles this year which is convenient for Yuuri, seeing as the time difference with Detroit is only three hours. This means that Yuuri doesn’t have to stay up horribly late or wake up super early to watch the Final. Celestino has given all his students the day off to watch the free programs so they can become inspired and motivated for the future, and so Yuuri holes up in his room with his laptop and a bag of snacks (small, so he doesn’t overindulge himself) to watch the livestream.

Viktor is going last, in first place after the short programs the day before yesterday. Yuuri can hardly wait to see his free program. He hadn’t had the chance to see it in person at the NHK Trophy, too busy with everything else and too distracted by his own failures. He’d watched it on his laptop during Trophée de France, of course, but he’s sure Viktor has polished the program even further since then.

Still, though Yuuri is looking forward to seeing Viktor the most, he also makes sure to pay attention to everyone that comes before him. The Grand Prix Final is always filled with so much talent, the very top of the top in the figure skating world. Yuuri both hates and loves watching it. Hates it because it reminds him of how far behind he is, how much he still has to learn and improve before he can even get to touch these skaters, about how he’s failed to gain his own spot among them. Loves it because he loves the sport itself; loves the beauty and the elegance and the passion he can witness in it the way he used to when he was just learning how to move on the ice, being inspired by older skaters he watched on the tiny ancient TV at Ice Castle Hasetsu with Yuuko and Nishigori.

It’s also interesting to see the familiar old faces whose careers he’s been following from the sidelines for years. Perhaps not as religiously as Viktor’s, but Yuuri always watches every competition he can, whether he is there himself or not, so he’s gotten to witness many of these skaters blossom and flourish over the years, hoping against hope that he might one day get his chance to shine amongst them.

Finally, it’s Viktor’s turn and Yuuri finds he can barely breathe as he watches his idol take to the ice. Viktor’s look this year is very different to what he usually does, having replaced all the delicate beauty and grace he’s known for with grimness. His costume reflects the dark mood he’s chosen to express, consisting of black pants and a deep blue jacket, reminiscent of what a Russian soldier might’ve worn in the Napoleonic Wars. That itself perhaps wouldn’t be as unusual, as Viktor has imitated soldier-like looks before in his costumes. It is the fact that the costume appears ruined that makes it truly fitting for the mood. There are tears across his pants and his jacket, the decorations over his chest ripped at places, as well as dark red dots here and there that look almost like bloodstains. Viktor’s hair has been styled so that it is messy and windblown and his face so powdered up he looks white as a ghost. His eyes and cheeks are darkened with make-up so that they look sunken in, as if he hasn’t eaten or slept for a very, very long time.

Although Yuuri’s seen the look as a whole before, the sight of it still makes his heart ache, and he bites down on his lip. Viktor’s theme for this season is “Turmoil.” The costume certainly fits that. He’s like a soldier that has seen far too much, and now he’s haunted by all that he has experienced, but still can’t go back home. The war continues on, and Viktor still has a duty to do. Not for the first time Yuuri can’t help but wonder whether the program is supposed to tell people something, or if it’s just Viktor changing things around the way he likes to, pushing the boundaries of what people expect of him and doing his best to take them by surprise.

The music for the program is powerful and haunting, chaotic and almost scary. It creates the image in Yuuri’s mind’s eye of someone that can’t escape what is happening around him, because he’s trapped in fighting his own demons and war. Viktor’s skating and emotions out on the ice reflect that too. He’s almost frantic in the way that he moves, but Yuuri can tell every decision he makes is precise and thought-out. Viktor can’t seem to stay still on the ice. There is no time for him to breathe, and he creates the illusion that he’s being chased. He adds to the image by taking on terrified expressions and the way he keeps looking around himself and over his shoulder as he tries to flee. His jumps imitate him trying to escape into the air, but he always has to come down; his spins are a mix of a storm that he’s experiencing and trying to make himself as small as possible so he can disappear. It’s one of the most difficult programs ever, and hauntingly beautiful in how heartbreaking it is. Viktor may just be acting out there, may not have any real experience of what he’s portraying on the ice, but everything he’s doing is speaking to Yuuri. He knows better than anyone what it feels like when you’re not able to escape your own worst enemy because he stares back at you in the mirror each morning.

Viktor ends the program by dropping down in a crouch on the ice, his head held down. There is a moment of silence where Yuuri doesn’t even breathe. And then, the crowd on his screen bursts into furious noises of cheer. As Yuuri releases his breath, he realizes two things. One, he’s crying. And two, Viktor’s won, there is no doubt about that. Yuuri barely remembered to pay attention to the program, he was so entranced by the story and the emotion Viktor was showing. But he knows there were no mistakes in it. It was perfect in all of its horrifying glory.

He dazedly scrambles for his phone, and sends out a quick text to Viktor.

_From: Me_

_You were incredible. I couldn’t take my eyes off you._

He sends it before he can think about it further, wiping his eyes with his fingers just in time to watch Viktor’s scores come in, confirming what Yuuri already knew. He’s won. It’s his second Grand Prix Final win in a row. And he’s just broken a world record.

It all feeds the fire within Yuuri, looking at how many points Viktor’s total final score is above the silver medalist, China’s Cao Bin. He’s sort of starting to understand why Viktor longs for a challenge. Seeing him skate like this, Yuuri feels like he’s never been more determined to do well at Nationals and to see Viktor at Worlds. He’s not sure if he can prove enough of a challenge yet, but he knows now that he _needs_ to be allowed to see that program in person, and to get to tell Viktor how much it touched him.

…

Golden Girl @goldskates · 39 m

Vitya did so great today! His second Grand Prix Gold in a row! Congratulations! #LAGPF #viktornikiforov #NikiforovGold

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 35 m

His programs really are sad though :(. I cried during the free. #LAGPF #viktornikiforov #NikiforovTurmoil

 

Cao’s TrashBin @caobintrash · 32 m

mah boi cao bin did so gr8! if only nikiforov culd sty away >:(. #LAGPF #caobin

 

Chris’ Gold @glorytochris · 31 m

yea @caobintrash like giv some1 else a chnc somtaim maybe? #LAGPF #ChrisIsTheWinnerInMyHeart

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 28 m

@caobintrash @glorytochris shut the fff up! Vitya was perfect and you dont know anything!  #LAGPF

 

Crystal Costume @shinysparkles · 24 m

I wonder why Viktor’s skating such a grimdark program this year though? I miss his pretty costumes :(. #LAGPF #bringbacktheshiny

 

Holy Blades @angelskates · 22 m

@shinysparkles Maybe he just wanted to change things up a little? It IS Viktor after all. #LAGPF #viktornikiforov

 

Bedridden @bedrider · 20 m

@shinysparkles @angelskates perhaps he’s trying to tell us all something. maybe he is sad. #viktornikiforov #LAGPF

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 18 m

@bedrider don’t b stupid. What would Vitya have to be sad abt? He just won! #viktornikiforov

 

Sally Salchow @sallysalchow · 15 m

@bedrider @vityaswoman still, can’t be healthy to take on such a grim mindset. Let’s see if he can carry it to Worlds. #LAGPF

…

Yuuri works even harder after watching the Final. He skates and he dances and he runs and he stretches. He goes over the updated choreography in his mind as he listens to the music, and has dreams about the program; about turning into Odette on the ice and flying away. It consumes him until he feels the piece at the very pit of his soul. Celestino can’t seem to quite decide whether he’s happy his plan to motivate his skaters by telling them to watch the Final worked on Yuuri, or worried that Yuuri’s working himself to the ground.

However, it all means there is very little time for anything other than school, skating and sleep in Yuuri’s life. Oh, and texting Viktor, which is becoming just another part of Yuuri’s daily routine the more time passes. He’s starting to second-guess everything he sends Viktor less and less, and it’s starting to just become more and more like something Yuuri just _does_. It still makes him incredibly happy, of course, but it’s starting to lose the novelty aspect that made it so scary at the start. Now, more than ever, he just feels _warmth_.

So he keeps on texting Viktor, keeps trying not to guiltily think about Viktor in the shower, dreams about Viktor’s touch, hyperfocuses on the thought of Viktor’s lips. And to keep Viktor from taking over his mind, he keeps on polishing his updated programs, keeps applying corrections given to him by both Celestino and Viktor, keeps getting ready for his next challenge, until it’s finally the time for him to skate at Japan’s Nationals.

This is the only competition Yuuri has been to at a Senior Level before, but it doesn’t make it any less nerve-wracking because there is a lot hanging on the line for him. Japan hasn’t had a skater who is internationally very well-known at the Senior Level of men’s singles for a while, and most of Yuuri’s competitors here are older than him, skaters around Yuuri’s own age not having found their way to the Seniors. There is a lot of pressure there, on the younger skaters of Japan moving up to the Senior Level to do better than the generation that came before them. Not everyone could take that sort of pressure. Yuuri knows some of the boys he used to skate with in Juniors retired before or right after they entered the Senior Division, not willing to go further with their careers or unprepared for the challenges of the higher level.

Though Yuuri can relate to the pressure and cracking under it, he can’t imagine what would make those boys give up skating. Skating is everything. It’s the only thing Yuuri has ever loved enough in his life as to do something so drastic for it as moving halfway across the world from everything he has ever known to better pursue that love. He can’t imagine himself without it when the very idea of being on the ice is sometimes what helps him get through the day and helps him breathe. Ever since he was young, no matter how bad his day might be, getting to skate at the end of it made things at least marginally better. The competitions may be difficult to get through sometimes, but even then Yuuri can’t imagine giving skating up. He may have failed many times, but he’s also tasted victory, and it’s a taste for which he still hungers enough for to work through everything else the competitions bring with them.

Therefore, Yuuri doesn’t know his direct competition here very well, even though this is his second time skating at the Senior Level at the Nationals. He took silver last time and it might be enough to send him to Worlds this time too, but...

Yuuri wants that gold. He may be an up-and-coming skater here, but he’s made a name for himself in the international Junior circuit and he knows he’s at least not terribly lot worse than anyone here. If he can skate relatively cleanly, he has a chance. His age is an advantage here too, because he hasn’t yet worn his body out like his competitors, and because Viktor is right: his stamina is one of his better qualities as a skater. If he can utilize it right for his skating…

Maybe it’s all of this, his love for the sport, the hunger he feels for another medal, and the knowledge he just might have a chance in getting it, but Yuuri’s not nearly as nervous at Nationals as he was at the NHK Trophy. He knows he made a fool of himself there, in front of his home country, letting down their expectations of him. But that also means that this time around, he has little elsewhere to go but up. The thought is comforting to him as well. And although he misses his family, he’s kind of glad they weren’t able to make it to watch him this time in person.

Minako-sensei is there though, and that’s another comforting thing. She’s known Yuuri since before he could walk, and as soon as he could stand up on his own two legs, she took him under her wing and taught him everything he knows about dance and music. Even much of his skills in English he hasn’t acquired in the months spent in Detroit he got from her as well. She’s been his mentor for as long as he can remember, almost like a second mother in a lot of ways. And as much as Yuuri hates to think of it, in some ways she understands him better than his own mother, because she knows what it’s like to work hard for something you want so badly that nothing else but getting it isn’t an option. As a former prima ballerina, she’s experienced the same crazy drive that Yuuri has, and therefore knows how to best encourage and motivate him.

Minako-sensei has also been going to Yuuri’s skating events ever since he first started out in small local novice competitions, and acted as his pseudo-coach for years before Yuuri came into contact with Celestino. She knows all his ticks and how he works, understanding to talk about something other than the competition when they go out to dinner. She allows him his silence and instead fills the void with her talks about how everyone has been doing since Yuuri last saw them in person. Some of it Yuuri knows thanks to Skype calls with his family, but he doesn’t mind listening to it again from Minako-sensei, and hearing her point of view on everything going on as she gets progressively drunker. Listening to her familiar voice is soothing, even as it becomes slurred from the alcohol being served generously at the restaurant, and that, along with having to help Minako-sensei back to her hotel room, manages to take his mind off things until it’s time for him to go rest.

Yuuri does well in his short program, Minako-sensei cheering him on in the audience, and he spends the rest day before the free program practicing and resting. Celestino manages to get Minako-sensei a pass that lets her to the rink to see his practice sessions. She is both a soothing presence and a good critic to what Yuuri is doing, never having lost her eye for musicality, grace and tightness of movement in any sort of dance, not to even mention her experience with Yuuri since the early days. She also insists on renting out a studio for Yuuri to dance for her in order to wind down from skating and to calm his nerves. The way she yells at him to point his ankles as he leaps through the studio is so familiar and wonderful that Yuuri vaguely wants to cry. In the afternoon when they’re done, Minako-sensei takes him to the movies as a form of distraction, before sending him to bed early.

Before he goes to sleep, Yuuri checks his messages. He hasn’t been allowed his phone all day because Celestino knows that it only stresses him out to look at what people have said about his performance, so he left it behind at the hotel.

There are a few texts congratulating him and cheering him on from his family and friends in Hasetsu, which he only glances through. The message from Viktor is the one that really catches his attention.

_From: Viktor_

_I watched your short program over stream. You were astonishing. The program finally does you justice. I can’t wait to see it in person at Worlds._

Yuuri blushes, his heart hammering in his chest. He almost can’t believe Viktor found the time to watch him skate, when his own Nationals start tomorrow. But he also can’t help the wide, if shaky grin that takes over his face, when his chest is filled with so much joy.

With somewhat trembling fingers, he types a message.

_From: Me_

_I’ll do my best in the free skate tomorrow. Good luck at your own Nationals._

He hesitates for a moment, reads over the message a few times. Then, gulping, types again.

_I can’t wait to see you either._

Knowing he can’t keep texting Viktor or he’ll only get more worked up, he reads the messages from Hasetsu and decides to call his family before he goes to sleep. He talks to his mother, father and sister in turns before Mari-neechan lets him hear Vicchan barking to the phone when he hears Yuuri’s voice. And Yuuri just feels so encouraged by the reassurance that they’re cheering him on from Hasetsu, actually crying a little when his mother reminds him to dress warmly when he goes outside. Afterwards, he mutes his phone and places it on the bedside table, cleans up quickly and does his best to fall asleep.

It happens surprisingly easily, given that Yuuri tends suffer from insomnia before and during competitions, but today has been exactly what he needed to keep calm. He knows nothing is for certain, that he could very well lose tomorrow, but for now, he has so much support from so many people that the thought of that is enough to send him off to restful dreams where he skates in peace and love over the ice as Odette. When he wakes up, he vaguely remembers there being someone else in the dream, a distant dark figure calling out for him, but nothing more. Still, he wakes up peaceful, full of thoughts about Odette and how to embody and be her. Getting lost in her helps him through the day and the last of the practice runs.

He wins the Japanese Nationals by a large margin, and the press has a field day.

Yuuri still doesn’t read any of it. He can hardly believe it’s real, and he can’t seem to stop crying for the rest of the day, no matter how ridiculous he knows he must look up on the podium.

He’s going to Worlds. He’ll see Viktor again.

…

[Video]

**Katsuki Yuuri FP (The White Swan) - All-Japan 20XX**

54,712 Views                                     

 

**japanshines** 1 h ago

holy shit

**loopedinlove** 58 min ago

look who’s going to worlds this year :)

**hopesonblades** 46 min ago

His program has improved so much since the Grand Prix Series, it’s amazing! I can’t wait to see what he does with it at Worlds!

**robotpenis** 43 min ago

lol at 2:03 he fell again

**youonlyskateonce** 38 min ago

He skated with even more emotion than before, but there’s still a lot to work on.

            **lovelyvitya** 36 min ago

            yea i dont think hell be much of a threat at worlds

**kingnskater** 29 min ago

Looks like he’s pulled himself out of his funk, I’m so glad :). I guess this will be an interesting season after all!

**pajama_onesie** 26 min ago

cant believe he’s only 19. IM 19 and i didnt even put on pants today :P

**quadflipped** 19 min ago

Anyone else think that step sequence looks a bit Nikiforov-like?

            **yuurisgold** 15 min ago

            Well, he’s his fan, he’s made it pretty clear in the past…and I think most skaters today are inspired by VikNik one way or another.

            **quadflipped** 10 min ago

            Still, I wonder…

…

Yuuri has to get back to Detroit right after the Nationals, so he can’t watch the Russian Nationals until he’s back in his tiny apartment. Viktor is stunning on the ice as always, and wins, as always, but if Yuuri is completely honest, he can’t feel the program as well as he could at the GPF. The emotion is still there, but Yuuri feels like it’s more faked than it was before. It’s not sincere; it’s only a mask. Viktor is a good actor, and can sell that performance because of that, but if Yuuri’s right, he’s no longer channeling his emotions as genuinely as he used to in his programs.

But honestly, given his theme and the way the programs are, that’s probably a good thing.

He and Viktor keep on texting, congratulating each other on winning their own Nationals and Yuuri Viktor also for his 23rd birthday. Viktor keeps on giving Yuuri more tips. Sometimes Yuuri wonders if he should return the favor, thinks about sharing his thoughts about Viktor’s skating at Nationals, but always has to laugh at himself for even daring to think of something like that. He’s only an up-and-coming skater in the Senior Division, and Viktor is basically the best skater in the game right now. What in the world could someone like Yuuri have to contribute to his skating?

As Worlds grow closer, Viktor also starts to talk about the competition itself a little bit more, especially after it officially gets confirmed for Yuuri that he will, indeed, be one of the two representatives for Japan in the Senior Division for men’s singles.

_From: Viktor_

_Have you ever been to Paris, Yuuri?_

_From: Me_

_A few times, for competitions in the Junior Division. But I haven’t seen much of the city._

_From: Viktor_

_Then if you’ll let me, I’d like to show it to you. I know it quite well._

Yuuri’s not sure if he’s surprised at Viktor suggesting that or not. He’s never sure what to expect with Viktor, really. But more than anything, for as long as he can, Yuuri wants to make as many memories with Viktor as he can, to have and to hold and to comfort him when these texts eventually stop coming.

So, he writes.

_From: Me_

_I think I’d like that._

Before Worlds, however, there are the Four Continents and the European Championships to get through. Yuuri places an acceptable fifth at 4CC, while Viktor, naturally, places first at Europeans.

_From: Viktor_

_You lost your concentration on your triple axel. That’s why you fell. What happened?_

Yuuri knows what happened. He’s just not sure if he can tell something like that to Viktor. But he also feels like he can’t stay silent and leave Viktor hanging after everything Viktor has done for him.

_From: Me_

_Someone shouted at me from the stands. It distracted me._

That is true enough. It had thrown off his concentration, brought him out of Odette’s role that he had taken for himself like a secure cape. But it also made him realize he wasn’t as alone on the ice as he’d wanted to believe he was. It made him aware he was being watched, and Yuuri always hated being watched. He was able to feel all the eyes following him and judging him. It threw him off and made it harder for him to breathe. He hadn’t managed to fully get back into Odette’s character after that, and his program suffered for it.

_From: Viktor_

_You should work on managing to skate even through distractions._

Yuuri knows this, but seeing Viktor say it kind of makes him want to scream at him in anger about how Viktor can’t understand how Yuuri feels, has no idea what goes on in his head when he can’t get into the right mindset. That it’s not as easy as Viktor makes it out to be.

But Viktor is his idol, and Yuuri doesn’t want to insult him, so all he does is put his phone away for the rest of the day. When he finally looks at it again when he makes it back to his apartment, it’s been blown up by messages, all of them from Viktor.

_From: Viktor_

_Yuuri?_

_From: Viktor_

_Yuuri, are you there?_

_From: Viktor_

_Yuuri, I’m sorry if I offended you, just please answer so I know you’re all right._

_From: Viktor_

_Okay? Okay?_

_Viktor:_

_Please?_

It’s been a long day of rigorous training for Yuuri, but seeing Viktor like this makes him chuckle a little. He’s almost like a puppy, looking for attention. It’s kind of cute. It also makes it easier for Yuuri to be kind to him, because it, again, makes the image of Viktor the Skating God erode away in the way of Viktor the Person. And he likes everything about Viktor the Person he gets to see.

_From: Me_

_Sorry, long day of training._

_From: Me_

_Speaking of, shouldn’t you have had that too? Or have slept?_

He doesn’t expect a reply, given the time, but he gets one.

_From: Viktor_

_I kept looking at the phone every chance I had before practice concluded. Yakov was quite angry._

_From: Viktor_

_I’m glad you’re all right though :)._

_From: Me_

_Sorry if you got into trouble._

_From: Viktor_

_Don’t worry about it, it happens all the time!_

_From: Viktor_

_I’m truly sorry if I offended you somehow._

Yuuri smiles a little, though now he’s the one that is sorry for making Viktor worry when he was only trying to help.

_From: Me_

_I’m sorry I made you worry._

He hesitates a moment, but then decides Viktor deserves the truth. He types and sends before he can second-guess himself.

_From: Me_

_I just...don’t deal well with people watching me. It makes me lose my nerve and my concentration, I guess. I know that sounds weird, given what we do, but still._

He waits in cold sweat and thrumming heart for Viktor reply.

_From: Viktor_

_I see. I’m sorry._

_From: Me_

_It’s okay, I know you were only trying to help._

_From: Me_

_It’s late now, is it okay if I talk to you later?_

_From: Viktor_

_Of course. I have to get to the rink soon anyway. Sleep well Yuuri!_

_From: Me_

_Have a good day!_

Yuuri is still thrumming with nerves when he gets to bed, but the exhaustion is still enough to get him to dreamland soon enough.

When he wakes up, there is a new text from Viktor waiting for him. And when Yuuri reads it, his heart leaps into his throat, and not in the way that makes him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

_From: Viktor_

_Have you ever considered getting help for your nerves in competition?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caramelcheese/Caramelycheesyarts drew me my first fanart for a fic ever, of this beautiful Yuuri in his Odette costume  
> [here](http://caramelycheesyarts.tumblr.com/post/166304162482/he-hears-his-cue-the-airy-and-tender-music)! <3\. Thank you so much again!
> 
> Fun fact: I rewrote like 2/3s of this chapter's first draft to bring you what it became in its current form.


	3. Viktor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Viktor's point of view, and it won't be the only one of its kind. I've added as the earlier chapters' titles the POV (Yuuri) that they were from, and will do so for the future chapters as well, so you'll better know what to expect :).

When Viktor Nikiforov was first asked by the press, at the tender age of 10, why he loved skating so much, his answer was, “Because it makes me feel like I can fly.” It caused much gentle chuckling over his sweet smiles, his blue eyes and his growing silver locks. It was, however, also the first time Viktor felt like he had said the right thing; the first time that an adult looked at what he was doing, and approved.

It lit a spark inside of him he hadn’t known before, warmth spreading all over his already-bruised body right down to his skate-covered toes. He was the gold medalist in a tiny local novice competition, all the adults wanted to talk to him and everyone praised his skill and promise. It was far before he was bestowed the title of Viktor Nikiforov, the Ice Prince of Russia, and was simply known as Viktor Nikiforov, the Promising Talent of Russia.

But when Viktor thinks about it now, that day always seems like the very last thrust down on the path he’s been following for the past 13 years since.

The thrust came much earlier, such a long time ago that Viktor barely remembers it and can’t tell exactly how old he was or the exact words that were said or even where it happened. But he has always imagined the space it took place at as the ballet studio he now trains at in St. Petersburg: grand, open and shining, mirrors everywhere and cold to the point it would make him shiver in his light dancing gear. He was very small, of that he’s certain. He remembers how the most beautiful woman in the world moved with poise and grace all across the room, leaping and standing at her tallest on the very tip of her pretty pink shoes, her long pale hair following her like a waterfall. In his memories she never looked as content or as at peace as she did right then, dancing before his eyes with everything she had in a bare studio space. He remembers wanting to fly the way she did as well, to have that same sort of grace and beauty as her, wishing more than anything that maybe if he loved it as much as she seemed to, she would finally smile at him, maybe pat him on the head.

He doesn’t remember the exact details of what happened next, but he remembers that he did try to learn that beautiful, raw, powerful dance. And he remembers how it never felt right.

(It still doesn’t feel right. He dances ballet four times a week to train his musicality and flexibility, and he works as hard at it as he does anything else, but he hates every moment. Every move he creates with his body in the studio makes him feel kinship with the little mermaid, for whom every step was agony and felt like knives were stabbing her feet.)

He tried to love it, tried more than anything to make it work and kept asking to be taught. But she would always have something to correct, and every cruel word she had felt like an icicle harpooning his heart. And then he’d cry and she’d tell him to stop, that he’d never be a dancer if he couldn’t take what was thrown at him; that he’d never get better if she didn’t tell him what he was doing wrong. He hadn’t had the words to say that he couldn’t understand her, that he didn’t know what he was doing wrong or how to make it right. That he’d just hoped she might like it if he loved dancing as much as she did. All he could do was cry.

It was later, in school, that he first put on skates and tested the ice on his feet. And unlike the rest of his class, Viktor didn’t fall down right away, and actually managed to glide around a little. His teacher praised him, saying “Good job, Vitya!” and it made a warmth spread through him that lasted even as he eventually lost his balance and fell down as well. He’d never been told _good job_ for anything before.

By the end of that class, Viktor was in love with the ice. For the first time, he thought he understood why his mother loved dancing so much. She always looked like she was flying when she did ballet. Skating made _him_ feel like he was flying.

To this day, Viktor doesn’t know why his mother agreed when he begged her to allow him to join a proper skating class. Perhaps she did it because she saw the same kind of desire she must’ve once held for ballet in him, perhaps she did it out of pity, or out of whatever little love she had for him. But she signed him up for skating lessons, started paying for his trips to novice competitions, found him his first coach and kept training him in ballet herself until he started to work with Yakov and by extension, Lilia, at age 12.

At first, Viktor had hoped that her letting him skate and the fact she kept training him in ballet would mean they would finally have something in common that they could talk about. But it quickly became clear that the more Viktor poured himself into skating to make her proud, the more she pulled away from him. He’d never found the words to ask her to stay, and it finally culminated in her moving away to live in Paris when he turned 15, leaving Viktor to live on his own in a tiny apartment near the rink where he trained.

He visited her for three summers, enjoying the warmth of France and the familiarity of the French of his childhood home on his tongue, as he toured museums, shops and sights, read in parks and cooed at any dogs he came across. He always disliked having to return to her apartment at the end of the day to sleep, however. It never ceased to make him feel like he was intruding on something he should’ve known to stay out of. It was that same feeling that prevented him from ever calling her first. He knew more than well he had intruded on her life in more way than one by then. So eventually, to finally stop intruding, he stopped going to Paris, left his mother behind, and threw himself further to skating.

(He never did stop wishing she’d come to see him skate just once though. Or even call him to congratulate him when he won.)

Being praised still felt good. And he quickly learned the best way to do that was to outdo himself, to surprise everyone with what he was doing, never ceasing to grow as a skater. By 15, he was the record-breaking Junior World Champion. By 17, he wasn’t always winning in the Senior Division, but it was rather a given that he’d always be on the podium at competitions, the only question being how high he’d be. By 19, he was winning practically everything. The camera loved him, the audience loved him, his country loved him. Everyone had praise and attention to give to him, and Viktor was high and drunk on all of it. He filled his life and every little pore of himself with it, leaving little room for anything else. Even the few times he felt like he was beginning to develop a connection to another human being, he left them behind fairly easily. Skating came first, and anything else was a distraction.

And then, just before he turned 21, he fell at a competition and broke his leg.

He can still remember everything leading up to that moment with terrifying clarity. The music and the ice around him, the sound of people’s cheers in the crowd, the pride and expectations within him strengthening his resolve by the minute. He’d prepared for a quad Lutz, his newest surprise that season, but right when he jumped he realized he’d miscalculated his movements. He’d tried to correct his mistake, but it only made everything worse. He’d landed on his leg in a way that caused him the most excruciating pain he’d ever known. It seemed to consume his very being, overtaking everything else and making him unable to think of anything else.

From that point on, it’s more difficult to remember anything except the pain. He thinks he screamed when he fell and clutched onto his leg in a desperate attempt to make the agony cease even some, but he’s not sure. But Viktor can remember that when the medics helped him off the ice, the first thing Yakov said to him was, “You stupid, stupid boy. What if you’ve permanently damaged your leg now? You could easily be done for, Vitya. You’ve ruined everything.” And although Viktor had made himself stop crying sometime between ages 12 and 19, he very much wanted to cry and yell right that moment.

But because he knew he was still surrounded by people, and that that type of behavior wasn’t what Yakov or anyone else wanted to see or hear from him, he only choked out, “I swear I’ll get better again.”

“See that you do, or you’ll have no business at my rink again,” Yakov said, and didn’t have any other words to express. After that the medics must’ve given Viktor some painkillers because everything seems to grow very blurry and vague in his memories.

By then being the Ice Prince of Russia, Viktor was naturally offered the best possible treatments available for his injury; the best possible rehabilitation and the best possible chances to get him well enough to be like his old self as soon as possible. Even before the season during which he gained the injury was finished, he was already well on his way to recovery. For once he even listened to everything his doctors and physical therapists told him, trusting them to make sure he would regain everything he had lost. He was desperate to get better, to get back on the ice, to prove to Yakov that he could and would.

Not getting to skate was driving him mad. Even with all the gifts and cards sent to him from fans and admirers to his home, now what he wasn’t at the rink every day, he only ever saw the personal assistant hired to help him around the house while he was injured, Yakov coming to ask about his progress in his recovery, and his beloved Makkachin who, even with being the most wonderful creature in the world, couldn’t quite make the void beginning to form within Viktor go away, or stop it from growing.

No one came to visit Viktor just because they wanted to, or were worried for him. They all just wanted him to heal soon so he could get back on the ice and skate for them once more, to surprise them again. There was no one to hug him or comfort him in the all-consuming silence and darkness of his apartment. His mother didn’t even call to ask how he was doing. Without skating, there was absolutely nothing and no one to truly fill Viktor’s days and time. He could wear out the hours of the day by reading, watching TV or going to physical therapy to only a certain point. The therapy itself was painful and difficult and demanding. It wasn’t that different to skating itself in that way, but any small praise given to him there only felt hollow and patronizing. Viktor even found himself missing Yakov’s screaming at the rink, and wanted more than anything to be able to get back on the ice again. He was sure everything would go back to normal once he could do that.

(Perhaps he hadn’t actually truly believed that at any point. He had only wanted to believe it so desperately that he convinced himself it must be true.)

Maybe that was his problem. Maybe he should’ve looked at his new perspective on his life as a blessing in disguise and made some changes to his life then, when he had the opportunity, rather than hankering for something that may never actually have been there in the first place. Maybe then everything could’ve turned out for the better for him in the end. But Viktor was in love, still blinded by it, like Cupid shooting his arrows with a blindfold across his eyes, and he only longed to return back to the ice, the one true love of his life.

And only when he finally did, it became the force that removed the last remnants of his blindness, and Viktor could finally see clear as day everything before him. How he wished he could’ve been allowed to remain blind for the rest of his days! Perhaps then he never would’ve had to feel this way; to experience the knowledge that in truth, ice was cold and lifeless and without any love to give back to him. It was like Daphne, fleeing from Apollo to the extent that she preferred being turned into a lifeless and loveless tree to being with him. Viktor could love the ice to the point of bursting and madness, to the point of destroying himself and everything around him, and all it could ever give back to him were a bruised body, cold medals and meaningless praise and criticism in turns. No warmth, no real affection, no human touch.

Still, he skated; he skated better and harder than ever before. He had to start out slow, of course, since he was severely out of practice and still in recovery. But Yakov still demanded perfection from him like he did all his students, and Viktor did his best to improve. Every time he stepped out on the ice, he controlled himself on it better, could withstand the pain better. That season, he choreographed the most beautiful programs he could muster as love letters to the ice and skating that he then skated for all the world to see and admire. He won everything that was possible for him to win that season, and everyone cheered, expressing their joy and relief over his return and praising him to the heavens.

But even that had turned hollow to his ears, ringing false like meaningless promises, because in the end these people meant so little to him. His victories, his fans, his skating, all of it felt worthless in the grand scheme of things, when none of that had brought him any joy or comfort when he needed them the most.

Still, he couldn’t even bring himself to consider retirement or ceasing to skate. After all, if he did that, what else was there in the world for him? Even hollow love and praise were better than none at all, he told himself. And hadn’t he wanted to get better so fast just so he could skate again? He couldn’t let everyone who believed in him so much and had waited for his return down now; not Yakov, not Russia, not anyone. So he kept coming back to the rink like always, trained to his fullest like always and wished more than anything that he could find that feeling he was still certain he’d once had for skating from within himself. He worked harder than ever, created more and more complicated choreographies, won more and more competitions.

All of it felt meaningless. Even winning no longer felt like it once had, when he’d been overjoyed with every gold medal. Now he just saw them as useless pieces of metal that took up unnecessary space, overflowing his storage. He didn’t want to keep them in his apartment, because they seemed to radiate the coldness of the rink and made him feel like he was choking when he looked at them. The sight of them reminded him of how much they felt like shackles around his neck when they were given for him to wear after competitions.

He tried so hard to pull himself out of this sort of glumness that seemed to consume everything in his life like a mist, making everything seem gray. He tried to find it in books, in new skating moves, in his fellow competitors on the ice. None of it did anything for him. Nothing and no one was truly a challenge for him anymore. The only one he truly had to compete against was himself, and that felt like the most pointless competition of all. There was no excitement anywhere when it came to skating, be it his own or someone else’s. Everything was always the same. Only the cities and the sites of competition changed and altered, but brought nothing real with them either. Most of the time, Viktor just ended up sleeping in his various hotel beds before he competed, and let himself fall into the routine of skating and bringing home a medal.

Just another day.

...

Before the start of this season, when he was assigned to the NHK Trophy, he didn’t think much of it. It’s not his first time attending that as a Grand Prix Series assignment and it probably won’t be the last. He knows half-mindedly that there’s going to be a new competitor amongst the skaters he would be going against, but can’t bring himself to care too much, no matter how many times Yakov screams at him for not taking his competition seriously, for not keeping in mind that the new young face might become quite the contender with time. But Viktor’s still walking in mist and yet seeing everything with far too much clarity, and can’t bring himself to believe any of it.

Viktor knows who Katsuki Yuuri is, of course. One would have had to be completely ignorant about what’s been going on in the skating world, or the Junior Division, to not know who Katsuki Yuuri was. In some ways, he’s been the Junior Division’s answer to Viktor himself in his earlier days in Seniors. It’s been a rare occasion that Katsuki doesn’t medal, and more often than not the medal around his neck was a golden one. His Senior Debut this season is one of the most anticipated since Viktor himself had made the transfer.

Viktor has watched a few videos of Katsuki skating, and he has to admit he’s good, although he tends to flub his jumps more often than not. He has a lot of musicality and has clearly been trained in dance to a degree that isn’t common in the men’s singles, where jumps and raw power are constantly growing to count for more and more. Viktor has liked watching him, has found his style refreshing with its beautiful step sequences and spins, but so lost and numb has he been that it’s still barely provoked any feeling within him.

But now…now he’s getting to witness it in person. And as Katsuki glides across the ice, Viktor feels like the wings Katsuki bears on his back in his mind’s eye are flapping away all the mist that is surrounding him, finally allowing some sunlight to come through from behind the gray clouds. Viktor can’t tell what it is exactly that is so different from all the other times he’s watched Katsuki skate, but on the ice now, he’s magnificent. He has just the right air of innocent beauty to become the Odette of his program, but Viktor is quite certain he can also see echoes of something more in this program. Katsuki’s Odette isn’t just poise and perfection, she’s _human_ , and more beautiful for it.

Even as Katsuki falls, he doesn’t give up, and he gives his character such strange fierceness that Viktor, who has been going to the Mariinsky Theater since he could walk, finds something new and incredible in this Odette that he’s never seen before. Katsuki blurs the lines between himself and the character he’s portraying, and when Viktor watches him, it feels like the music is not coming from around him, but from inside of him. Viktor can’t take his eyes off him, can barely breathe as he watches him, and for the first time in so long, he can actually _feel_ something when it comes to skating.

He’s still trying to catch his breath and his thoughts by the time it’s his turn to take to the ice. He’s still so overtaken with the image of Katsuki, dressed all in white, embodying such a human form of beauty and pain on the ice that he has to take a few breaths to properly focus, to properly get back into the mindset he’s been portraying this season. He’s being more honest about everything with his skating than he’s probably ever been, channeling the numbness he’s been feeling ever since he was injured to his skating. He’s been hoping working out and showing some of the emotions he’s not feeling out on the ice might help with getting past them. So far it hasn’t.

He wins the competition, and Katsuki doesn’t even medal. That black void within Viktor only seems to grow as he shows his gold medal off for the cameras. It still feels heavy like a chain on him, and he wants to rip it off his neck and throw it away. But he’s been doing this for a long time, and learned how to work the crowd well by now, so he forces a smile and gives generic answers when it’s time to talk to the press. Thankfully it’s at least a bit calmer in the qualifying competitions than in the Final. Still, more than anything he merely craves to be left alone, to just be allowed to have dinner and then rest in his hotel room with Makkachin. Yakov has for once allowed Viktor to bring his beloved dog with him to a competition. Viktor likes to think he’s been growing concerned about how real the emotions Viktor shows in his programs are as of late.

(Deep down, he knows that is not the truth. He knows the only thing Yakov is truly concerned about with him is that he is well enough to win. Makkachin is here to help with that, nothing more, nothing less. But being blind by his own hand is kinder than seeing with eyes wide open, and this is the only matter in his life that Viktor still has some sort of control over in how well he sees.)

That night, after wearing more smiles on his face, thanking his current sponsors for their support and falsely complimenting potential new ones, he cuddles up in an unfamiliar bed with his dog. But although he’s exhausted, he can’t sleep. That’s not really out of the ordinary. He’s been suffering from bouts of insomnia for years now. That started with the injury too, when he was still in recovery and unable to sleep without the exhaustion skating normally gave him, and even after he got back on the ice, it would sometimes haunt him.

Viktor’s learned to live with it, learned to push through the exhaustion for a day or two until he can sleep properly again. He’s also learned that tossing and turning in bed is not very useful for him, even though he knows it does help his body rest. He only tends to be consumed by his own mind if he allows himself to stay still like that for too long.

So, after coming to the conclusion that he’s probably definitely not going to sleep for a while, he rises, puts his clothes back on and heads out with Makkachin to go for a late night walk. He figures it would also be a good opportunity to see a bit more of Japan, and spend a bit more time with Makkachin whom he will have to abandon for many hours a day once more when he returns to Russia. He never actually seems to actually _see_ any of the cities he visits, always too busy training and too weary to go sightseeing all by himself. He half-considers bringing his phone, but he’s been waiting all day to get some peace and quiet. If he leaves the device behind, he won’t be bothered for a little bit at least, and he’ll have an excuse to give to Yakov if he asks about it later.

He ends up wandering rather mindlessly around this unfamiliar city in Japan where he can’t speak the language and can’t read the signs. He lets Makkachin lead the two of them on their way, allowing her to chase after whatever interesting smells or sights she spots. It’s not like he has any idea where he’s going or what he wants to do either way, except just to be with his poodle for a few moments. If it makes Makkachin happy, he doesn’t mind allowing her to take charge. Or he wouldn’t have, if some time later he hadn’t realized he has absolutely no idea where they are, no clue where they should go, and no way of contacting anyone he knows to ask.

And even now, still, he finds himself too numb to care much, too weary to work up a panic like a normal person. He just keeps on going on his way, letting Makkachin take him even further with barely any thought. He almost doesn’t notice it when everything around him seems to grow suddenly much darker, and he notices that Makkachin has lead him to a park where the glowing of the city won’t light his path. He sighs wearily, and without much thinking about it, makes his way to one of the vacant benches close by to rest a bit.

“I’m sorry, girl,” he murmurs to Makkachin, who sits down at his feet. Viktor pets her down gently. “It seems as though we’re in a bit of a pinch.”

Viktor almost wants to laugh at the situation. He has no idea how he’s going to find his way back, and he still just doesn’t care one bit. He’s just tired. He wonders if he could fall asleep right here on this bench. He might freeze to death though, even with his Russian blood. Yakov would be angry if he got himself killed right before the Grand Prix Final. Not to mention that Makkachin would freeze too. That would be awful.

His mind is still swimming with thoughts like this when Makkachin suddenly stands up on all her four legs once more and starts barking at something out there in the darkness. And then, without any more warning, she runs off. Viktor, who had barely been holding onto her leash, quickly loses the sight of her, as her fluffy sweet form seems to melt into the shadows surrounding them.

“Makkachin! Come back!” If there is still one thing in the world that Viktor cares about anymore, it’s his dog, so he runs after her as fast as his legs can carry him, his tiredness no longer a factor. Perhaps Makkachin smelled a squirrel on a midnight snack run or something. But Viktor doesn’t want to lose her. Anything else he has to give in the world, he will give, as long as he gets to keep his puppy. _Please, don’t make him lose her too…!_

Then, when he sees what and whom Makkachin has smelled, it feels almost like fate.

Viktor has always been very good at reading people, at finding out what they want from him and how to act properly with them. It’s a skill he’s honed to perfection over the years of being in the spotlight and it’s what has allowed him to survive in it for so long. He knows he’s adored all over the world, hollow as that adoration is, and that is because he has a variety of costumes and masks he can choose to wear for each and every person, until he finds the one they want to see the most. But in order to determine which costume each person prefers, he must read that person first. And as he reads him, he quickly learns many things about Katsuki Yuuri.

The obvious is, of course, that Katsuki likes poodles like Viktor. Another is that he’s shy and quiet, but kind. He has a beautiful face and a lovely smile. His eyes sparkle when he smiles and the pink of the blush that spreads across his cheeks and nose is adorable. Although he’s Viktor’s fan, he’s trying to act normal and natural around him, doing his best not to show how nervous he is. When Yuuri does open his mouth, Viktor finds he likes listening to what he has to say, and finds he wants to try and help him if he can. He’s clearly smart and thoughtful, and Viktor can’t help but be intrigued.

He remembers the way seeing Yuuri skate earlier finally made him feel something inside, and suddenly a scenario opens up behind his eyes like a vision. Perhaps if he can have Yuuri in his life, he can keep holding onto those feelings Yuuri managed to rouse within him. Maybe he can find some of that passion Yuuri still clearly has for skating and regain it for himself. Perhaps he can finally have someone to actually talk to about everything, finally manage to chase away some of the hollowness inside and fill up the void growing inside of him.

So, he asks for Yuuri’s number.

And then Yuuri surprises him. Any other fan and Viktor is fairly certain they’d be leaping at the chance to share contact information with him, if for no other reason than to sell it to the highest bidder. But not Yuuri. He wants to know _why_ Viktor wants his number, wants Viktor to justify why he of all people would deserve it. He doesn’t take Viktor’s fame and seniority over him as excuses, as something given. He wants something _real_ . Viktor doesn’t think anyone has ever wanted something _real_ from him before.

So, for the first time in a long time, Viktor ends up telling the truth. Perhaps not the whole truth, but what he says is true nonetheless. He gets Yuuri’s number for his trouble, and finally feels something with that. Not only is Yuuri intriguing, he’s also _surprising_. Now there is no way Viktor is ever going to let him go. He’s just going to have to find the best way to do that, the best role to play for Yuuri; one that Yuuri will like the most and will want to keep around for a very long time. He’s so excited about all this that he can’t help but make a Facebook post about it, vague as it is.

...

Once he returns to Russia, he starts testing out a few possible personas for Yuuri. A rival to meet at Worlds who will challenge him to be the best he can be (and at the same time, Viktor finds himself being challenged by Yuuri’s progress). A friend that he can text and talk to about his life (and at the same time, Viktor finds himself eating up every crumb of information he can get from Yuuri, and even sharing some of his own). Even a mentor in skating (and at the same time, Viktor finds himself loving that he gets to see how he’s helped Yuuri flower).

Viktor rewatches all Yuuri’s programs that he can find, this time with a more critical eye, and while he finds places where he still has growing to do, he also finds in himself that same feeling of wonder he had when watching him as Odette at the NHK Trophy. He can tell Yuuri has the ability to reach for the stars and do great things down the line. He may just need a little push to get there, and Viktor will be happy to help him on his path. Sometimes it might be easier to listen to a peer than a coach, and Viktor has the additional heightened status in Yuuri’s eyes as his idol, so Yuuri will probably be more likely to listen to him than anyone else.

He learns more about Yuuri through their growing acquaintance over their phones. Although Yuuri is clearly still shy and hesitant, he always answers his texts sooner or later, even if it is just with a few words. Indeed, Viktor also can sometimes tell Yuuri is clearly holding something back. What they have is still fresh and fragile enough, however, that Viktor doesn’t wish to push or ask for too much. He doesn’t know Yuuri well enough to be able to tell how doing that would go, and right now it’s safer to not make any harsh movements, at least until he can figure out what type of persona Yuuri most prefers.

Still, the more they text, the more Viktor grows to care for Yuuri, and the more Yuuri seems willing to to talk to him as well. He begins initiating conversations sometimes, and Viktor is delighted, spending more time on his phone than he probably ever has before, even with how much he uses social media.

It seems that with Yuuri’s courage, Viktor almost without noticing has started to find his own as well. He barely even thinks about it, but little by little he starts sending Yuuri texts about his personal life; small details that he doesn’t talk about in interviews because no one would want to hear about them. Everyone prefers the illusion of him who wakes up perfect every morning and wins medals with ease, rather than the one who has a strict skin routine and has sacrificed so much to get where he is now. He’s never lied to Yuuri; all he’s said to him has been true, but now he’s starting to add to that truthfulness with something that is starting to resemble trust. And Yuuri always seems to respond so well to that, and doesn’t judge Viktor when he’s sick of his bland diet or wants to share how much he loves his dog with someone. He usually just responds with how much he can relate, and that makes warmth spread over Viktor’s body, making him braver by the minute. Perhaps what Yuuri wants the most is just a friend in Viktor, and as far as Viktor understands, that requires some level of trust on both parties. If that’s what Yuuri wants from him, he’ll do his best to provide.

The more they text, the more convinced Viktor becomes he was absolutely right in that Yuuri could finally make him feel alive again. He feels more alert than he has for a long time. Much of the mist has lifted, allowing more sunshine to pour in. Every time Yuuri texts him, it feels like Viktor’s world is bursting in color, and he can finally feel his dead heart pounding in his chest once more.

When he gets to talk to Yuuri, Viktor can forget about everything else for a while. When he’s mentoring Yuuri, he doesn’t have to worry about his own skating and can focus on Yuuri’s wholeheartedly, can find joy in the progress he makes and know he’s helped to make that happen. Something related to skating is finally fun again, and Viktor finds himself filled to the brim with that.  

He wins the GPF and breaks a record. The emotions he pours into his skating are still genuine; memories of how he’s been, but expressed with even more vigor now that he’s finally starting to feel again. Escaping the numbness and the mist has put in perspective just how gray everything really was, and he can therefore show it off to the world even better than before with his newfound energy. Still, all of that doesn’t mean nearly as much as getting to hear Yuuri is going to Worlds and he’s going to see him again soon enough. Perhaps meeting Yuuri again will make the whole world burst out in rainbows for him now that he’s gotten to know him.

_From: Yuuri_

_Happy birthday!_

_From: Me_

_Thank you!_

_From: Me_

_Oh, that reminds me, when is your birthday?_

_From: Yuuri_

_It already passed. November 29_ _th_ _._

_From: Me_

_!!! Why didn’t you say anything? I would’ve liked to congratulate you, too!_

_From: Yuuri_

_I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. It wasn’t that big of a deal._

_From: Me_

_It should’ve been. And it was._

_From: Me_

_Happy late birthday, then._

_From: Yuuri_

_Thank you._

He likes to think he and Yuuri are becoming friends. He hopes so, at least. Viktor doesn’t usually think much about it, doesn’t dare to go down that path for what he might find there, but he honestly doesn’t have many people he can call friends at all. It’s nice to know there is now at least one human person he can talk to about things that matter to him, even if he’s still careful about revealing too much of himself to Yuuri. He’s sure if Yuuri knew about the sleepless nights and the lack of color in his life, he would be very disappointed to find out that that was the real Viktor Nikiforov.

He keeps texting Yuuri, and keeps skating. It doesn’t feel so difficult to get up in the morning knowing Yuuri might text him today. Skating he does because it’s routine, but Yuuri brings something new to all of his days. It feels like each day is now a surprise, because he can’t ever know if he’s going to get a text or not, and if he does, what the message will say. Yuuri makes the world fill with sunshine and color, and he makes Viktor _feel._ Chasing that, and how Yuuri finally made figure skating exciting again, and because Viktor wants to be a good friend, he watches Yuuri skate at his Nationals, even though he’s busy with his own.

Yuuri does so well, and Viktor is moved, his heart thrumming in his chest and ears to the point where he thinks he might cry. He can see Yuuri’s been listening to his advice, taken the choreography to the heart, and the program finally looks worthy of him, even if he has downgraded a few jumps from the way Viktor had originally suggested it. He’s breathtaking and beautiful, and Viktor can’t wait to see him skate like that at Worlds.

He wins his own Nationals too, but somehow that pales beside the knowledge he helped Yuuri do well. He knows he also didn’t skate as well as he did at the GPF. His programs are meant to portray his innermost self that he can reveal out on the ice to the world. But lately, what he feels at his core has changed. He has changed. He can’t skate as emotionally as he used to because he doesn’t feel those emotions as strongly as he used to when he made the programs. He also doesn’t want to return to how he was feeling before, or even remember how it felt anymore. It’s frustrating that he’s going backwards rather than forwards with how his skating is progressing when it comes to his season, but he can’t bring himself to be too upset about it. Surely it’s a good thing to no longer feel numb the way he had?

The medal around his neck doesn’t feel nearly as important as the congratulations Yuuri sends him.

Yuuri opens up a little bit more after that, and Viktor does his best to reciprocate at least a little to show his appreciation. Perhaps winning has given Yuuri some newfound confidence. Viktor doesn’t really care about his reasons, however, and is just happy to hear more from and about him.

And then Yuuri lets him know something personal.

Viktor tries to help, because he still wants to help, wants Yuuri to be the best possible version of himself. His nerves also explain a thing or two about him, and they’re clearly a hinder to the way he skates, so why shouldn’t Yuuri seek out some help for it? That’s what the resources made for people like that are for, after all. But evidently, suggesting that was the wrong thing to say. Yuuri hasn’t texted him since then.

Viktor has apologized about a dozen times in different texts, but he’s also seeing that Yuuri’s not even looking at his messages. Viktor keeps sending apologies for about a week more before he realizes he’s being clingy and unpleasant, and he should stop before he makes everything worse. (His mother always hated it when he constantly tried to hug her as a child before he learned that that wasn’t something they did at their house.) He should have known better than to push Yuuri like that. Why, oh why did he forget to be more careful?

The realization that Viktor has revealed far too much of himself back to Yuuri already overtakes his mind along with this question. The reason he forgot to be careful is that he’s also been starting to forget to pretend with him, to try and find the type of persona Yuuri would like him to play. He’s been growing far too comfortable, far too lax with himself and his feelings, letting Yuuri see more of him than he’s shown anyone in years.

How could he have let himself be so careless? Hadn’t he always known showing his true self to someone would only lead to him getting hurt? Isn’t that why he swore he’d never open his heart like that to anyone ever again? (And yet, to have it actually happen still hurts more than he could ever have guessed it would.)

He can’t stop himself from crying into Makkachin’s fur a few times at night, looking at the unread messages. He can’t remember the last time he’s cried this much, especially over another person. He tries to tell himself that the tears won’t help, that they’ve never helped, and yet he can’t make them stop falling. He really thought for a while, if cautiously, that he might’ve had a shot at making a genuine connection with another human being for once, thought he had a shot of finally just _feeling_ something once more. But now more than ever, it seems like that is just not meant for him.

Perhaps he should’ve just been born as a human-looking skating machine with no emotions and no need for any kind of approval or kindness from other humans. It would’ve saved everyone so much trouble.

Viktor goes to Europeans with only slightly modified programs. They’re now not just about numbness, but also about loss and heartache and loneliness. His skating is more filled with turmoil than ever, more desperate by the minute. He breaks his own record from just months before, and he barely cares. There is nothing to look forward to, anymore. Even if he sees Yuuri at Worlds, Yuuri won’t want to see him or talk to him. Viktor will still skate with everything he has for Yakov, for his fans, for his country, but he won’t find any joy in it. The sunshine is gone and the mist is returning. It all remains just the same as ever. Nothing changes. Perhaps it was never meant to, even.

After the Europeans end, Chris invites him out for drinks and because Viktor can’t imagine any better way to drown out the void growing within him once more than alcohol, he accepts. They end up in a club with bright lights and noises that Viktor immediately dislikes, but can’t bring himself to leave either. He ends up drinking generous amounts of vodka and fruity sweet drinks with complicated names. Chris tries to invite him to dance multiple times, and so do many other patrons of the club, but Viktor turns all of them down and sticks to his chair at the bar. The good part about this is that he gets most of his drinks free.

He wakes up the next morning in his hotel room, thankfully alone and still wearing his clothes. He’s slightly grateful to Chris who must’ve made sure he made it back to his room safely, especially when Chris was probably looking for a more fun company to drink with than him last night. Still, even though he sends Chris a thank-you text, he can’t bring himself to apologize for anything. It’s not like he and Chris are really friends.

He keeps on practicing because it’s all he really _can_ do anymore, and still doesn’t hear anything from Yuuri, until it’s finally time for Worlds. All Viktor feels as he makes the journey to the city probably second most familiar to him in the world is a mix of dread and numbness. He’s afraid of running into Yuuri, but at the same time hopes he does. He can’t help wondering that if he can just apologize to Yuuri in person, maybe he can at least make him hear it. After that, though, he promises to himself he’ll leave Yuuri alone if he doesn’t want to continue whatever they were starting to build with Viktor. Viktor knows when to take a hint. He just wants Yuuri to know he didn’t mean to hurt him, that he was just trying to help, and that he truly is sorry.

He can’t help but almost laugh at the similarities. No wonder Worlds is at Paris. He always used to feel so much like this every time he would go spend the summer there with his mother in his teens.

...

Viktor does run into Yuuri. Fairly early, actually. He and Yakov are checking in at the hotel when Viktor spots him. He’s dressed in a light blue sports jacket that is probably sponsored by one company or another, and is looking at his phone in his hand as he steps out of the elevators to the lobby. And, before Viktor really truly registers what he’s doing, or hears Yakov’s voice telling him to come back, he’s already hurrying over to the other skater.

“Yuuri!” he cries, and reaches him just when Yuuri slowly looks up at him.

Yuuri’s face turns very pale very fast. “V-Viktor?”

Viktor ceases to move as he reaches Yuuri’s side, but keeps a respectable distance so he doesn’t make Yuuri uncomfortable. Viktor tries to hunch his shoulders to make himself as small as possible, to try and seem agreeable and nonthreatening. He also gives Yuuri his best gentle smile; the one he gives to old ladies and small children who ask for autographs.

“Are you free right now? I’d very much like to talk to you.”

“I...”

“It won’t take long, I promise. Just…” he averts his eyes, letting the smile drop almost without thinking about it. “Would you allow me the chance to tell you something?”

Yuuri bites his lip, and the action is somewhat distracting for Viktor, with the way it makes Yuuri’s lower lip redden. He tries not to look at it. Yuuri’s deep dark eyes are lowered, and he’s fidgeting his hands. Viktor’s holding his breath as he waits for him to reply.

“...Okay,” Yuuri finally murmurs, and Viktor feels a bit like doing a small happy dance. Finally, at least something.

“Thank you,” he says softly, and gestures towards the hotel restaurant at the other end of the gleaming, brightly clean lobby. “Let’s head over there. Could I perhaps be permitted to buy you dinner?”

“You don’t have to do that,” Yuuri mumbles.

Of course. He shouldn’t have offered. He shouldn’t be making excuses to keep Yuuri closer to him for longer. Shouldn’t he already have learned when to back off and let go?

“Just something to drink then?”

“I can buy it myself,” Yuuri murmurs. Then, he looks over his shoulder. “Are you sure this is okay? Isn’t…” he looks over to the front desk, where Viktor now can see Yakov yelling at him, face starting to turn an alarming shade of red. Huh. It seems he’s been blocking him out again. “Isn’t that your coach? He sounds mad…”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s to be expected with Yakov. He’ll get over it.”

“But won’t you...won’t you get in trouble?”

It warms him to hear Yuuri care. Maybe there is still hope after all. “I always get out of trouble soon enough.” Yuuri blushes a little at his teasing tone, which Viktor finds utterly endearing. “Please. Will you allow me to take you?”

“...All right. If you’re sure.”

Viktor just smiles, and gestures towards the restaurant with a movement of his arm, before leading Yuuri on their way. They are granted the privacy of an empty booth, since it’s still quite early for dinner so there aren’t many customers. Yuuri orders plain water, Viktor gets cranberry juice. Despite what he said, it really is too early to drink, and he wants to be sober for this. Depending on how the conversation goes, he has plenty of time to drink later if he feels he needs to.

Still, seeing how uncomfortable Yuuri looks, with the way he seems like he’s trying to make himself as small as possible, his arms pressed tight against his body and his legs against each other and his shoulders hunched up to his ears as he keeps fidgeting his hands, Viktor figures it might be better to talk about something else first and then work his way into the apology. There is plenty he wants to say to Yuuri in any case, and if this doesn’t go well, this might be his only chance to say anything.

“Yuuri,” he starts, and Yuuri jumps. He looks at Viktor momentarily, mouth agape, but then averts his eyes, his face flushed as he bites on his lip. Viktor wishes there was something he could do or say to make Yuuri feel more comfortable, but he’s never been very good at intimate conversations or comfort. He’s never needed to know what to do when someone is displeased with him like this, and all he can really do is say what he has on his mind. “I’d like to congratulate you on your performance at the Nationals personally, as well as Four Continents. Your programs have improved so much since the Grand Prix Series.”

“Oh! Um…” Yuuri mumbles, shifting in his seat as if to burn nervous energy. His blush has turned from pink to crimson, and Viktor finds he rather loves that shade on Yuuri, too. “Thank you.” He’s silent for a moment, biting down on the inside of his cheek. “I…I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Viktor can’t help the smile that spreads over his face, although he waves Yuuri off. “You’re the one that did all the hard work, learning the new choreography and making it your own. All I did was give you some tips,” he says. “But I’m glad if I was able to be any sort of help.”

“You were! I’ve never…” Yuuri trails off, looking down at his lap. But he speaks, if quietly, “I’ve never felt like I was able to skate the way I want to as much before.”

Viktor softens his smile. “Yuuri, the essence of beauty when it comes to your skating lies in your expression and musicality. I think the best way for you to utilize that to your full advantage is to create programs that maximize that. I believe it will help you to feel like your programs are more your own, too. But I’ve said it before: I don’t think you should shy away from the physical strength you also process to do your best. I must admit I was rather disappointed when you decided to downgrade your jumps for the free program.”

Yuuri bites his lip again, his brows furrowing in a frown, and Viktor immediately regrets his words when Yuuri doesn’t say anything in answer. He came here to try and make things right with Yuuri, and all he’s managed to is just insult him further. God, hasn’t he learned when to speak and what to say by now?

Taking in a preparing breath, he quickly makes the decision that there is no other way to fix this than to just say what he originally came to say. “I’m very sorry, that was uncalled for. It’s none of my business what you choose to do, and I should know when to keep out,” he says. Yuuri looks up, still frowning slightly, but his eyes seem to widen in something akin to confusion. “I’m sorry for everything else as well, and especially about that message I sent you. I didn’t mean to offend you or imply anything. If you wish for me to never contact you again after this, I’ll understand and leave you be. I merely…I wanted you to know I am sorry if I’ve in any way hurt your feelings, Yuuri. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I hope you can believe me when I say that.”

Yuuri blinks a few times in rapid succession. He doesn’t say anything for a while, just sits and stares at Viktor, his mouth slightly open. Viktor knows enough about awkward silences to know what that means.

“I’ll leave you then,” he says, starting to stand up.

“No, wait, Viktor!” Yuuri very nearly shouts, and Viktor turns to look back over at him in shock. Yuuri, seeming to realize he was a bit too loud in a public place, quickly covers his mouth and pales. But he doesn’t avert his eyes this time, and looks straight at Viktor. “I mean…please sit down.” Viktor does, slowly, confused but cautiously hopeful. Perhaps Yuuri isn’t angry after all?

Yuuri wets his lower lip, making it shine in a rather distracting manner, clearly musing on his words, but this time he refuses to look away from Viktor’s face. Viktor curiously stares back, trying to decipher what is going on behind Yuuri’s deep brown eyes.

“I’m…I’m sorry, too, Viktor,” Yuuri eventually says. “I wasn’t…I wasn’t angry, or offended or anything like that at what you said. I’m sorry if I made you think that.”

Now it’s Viktor’s turn to blink. “Then why didn’t you answer my messages?”

“I was too nervous to look at them,” Yuuri mumbles, blushing and lowering his gaze slightly. But before he speaks, he raises his eyes up to Viktor’s once more looks up. The way Yuuri looks at him is hesitant, and Viktor can see a slight tremor in Yuuri’s shoulders, but he keeps the gaze steady anyway. He really is one surprise after another. “I thought…I thought you might be mocking me. It was easier for me to just try and walk away. I thought you’d forget me soon enough.”

“Yuuri, no,” Viktor says, and he suddenly wants nothing more than reach over to take Yuuri’s hand. But he also doesn’t want to scare him away. He’s already been too close of that happening once. “I’d never mock you. Why in the world would you think that?”

Viktor naturally can’t keep up with everything the press says about him, but as far as he knows, he’s never been accused of mocking someone. Usually the media is aware that he always tries to be courteous to his fans and his fellow competitors, as well as the press itself. He’s done all he can to make sure he’s beloved and favored by the public, even if he has also had to learn that there are always going to be those who will dislike him no matter what he does. But no matter what, he can’t think of anything that would indicate he was in any way making fun of Yuuri.

Yuuri shrugs. “I don’t really even know. It was probably stupid,” he says. “But let’s be real, you’re Viktor Nikiforov, the two-time Grand Prix Final gold medalist in a row, and I’m just some dime-a-dozen skater who only just now made it to the Senior Division. Why would you want to keep in touch with me?”

“Because when I saw you skate, it reminded me of why I love the sport,” Viktor says. It’s honest, but hopefully not too revealing. Yuuri’s eyes widen at the words, letting out a barely audible gasp, and Viktor takes it as his cue to continue. “Then I met you, and I got to know you, and I liked the person behind the program as well. It’s been nice to have someone to talk to. If it’s at all possible, I’d like for us to keep talking.”

Yuuri blinks a few times, but other than that, his face seems almost frozen the way it is, shocked and awed. “But…why me?” he finally says. “Surely there are other skaters who–”

“I don’t want them,” Viktor says, a little exasperated. Why can’t he make Yuuri understand? How can he find the right words to say what’s in his heart? “I think…I think you’re one of the only people who really not only understand skating the way I do, but also has other interests in common with me. I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, Yuuri.” _It’s made me feel alive after so long_ , he won’t allow himself to say. But perhaps because of that thought, because he so desperately wants to do anything he can do make Yuuri stay in his life, he says, “Yuuri, what do you want me to be to you?”

“What?” Yuuri gasps, eyes wide.

“Do you want me to be a rival you can beat? Or a mentor who will guide you to success?” Yuuri just keeps staring, looking like he’s frozen in place. “Just a friend then?”

There is a pause, and to his shock, Viktor even finds himself thinking, _Or perhaps, your lover?_ And no matter how much he knows he shouldn’t even be thinking of anything along those lines, the thought doesn’t scare him, and he doesn’t want to make it disappear. He won’t even try. He won’t say it out loud, but it’s in his mind and his heart, and he lets it sink into his being like warm milk. He’ll ponder upon it further when he returns back to Russia and has the chance to so properly. Now is not the time.

Yuuri finally blinks once, his expression softening into a fairly neutral one that Viktor can’t really read. “I just want you to be Viktor,” he says softly, as if he didn’t just pierce through Viktor with his words. As if he just didn’t make Viktor think, _What does that even mean?_ “I’ve enjoyed talking to you too. I’ve just…I’ve looked up to you for a long time. I…I didn’t want you to get so close, to a place where you could see my flaws.”

It’s only barely that Viktor manages to hold back a gasp, to not let what he’s feeling flow like a river to his face. Because that’s what he’s been thinking too. He likes Yuuri enough to be Viktor the Idol and Viktor the Mentor to him, to not reveal who he is underneath all that, or at least try to hide it. He, too, hasn’t wanted Yuuri to see his flaws. But now, Yuuri’s asking him to show them to him. To just be Viktor, no matter what, when Viktor barely has any idea who Viktor even _is_. It’s both the most terrifying and the most generous and kind thing anyone has ever said to him.

It’s also through those words that he realizes that he must’ve gotten very close and intimate to something Yuuri didn’t want him to see when he suggested Yuuri get help for his nerves. Yuuri must be ashamed of the way he can’t control his emotions and the way they make him fumble, and Viktor can understand that. He, too, hates the way skating and everything else has become so numb, and how he hasn’t been able to make that go away on his own. He was right. Yuuri really does understand what skating is like for Viktor better than anyone else.

“Yuuri…” he murmurs, letting the name roll over his tongue as he mulls on his words. His head is still swimming from everything that has been said in the past few moments and all he’s realized. He’s almost overwhelmed with all of it, his emotions welling up inside of him in confusing and new ways. He needs to think of a way to say what he feels through words that won’t make Yuuri feel worse or ashamed or like Viktor thinks he has something to be ashamed of in the first place. “I didn’t…I didn’t mean to hurt you by saying that, or…or imply you have something to be ashamed of. I just wanted to help you be the best you can be. I’ve known plenty of skaters who get nervous, and the ones that have found ways to work through that with some assistance are the ones that have thrived the most.”

Yuuri still looks hesitant, wrapping his arms around himself lightly, like he’s creating an armor to protect himself with. “I just hate…I hate it when people think I’m weak.”

“I don’t think you’re weak,” Viktor says, quick and firm, filling his voice with conviction, hoping more than anything that Yuuri will hear it. “Anything but that. The fact that you skate, even when you’re scared…to me that is incredibly brave. I just didn’t want you to always feel like you have to force yourself. It shouldn’t have to be that hard.” He looks deep into Yuuri’s eyes over the table, and to his gratitude, Yuuri meets his gaze. “It’s okay to ask for help. None of us make it to where we are completely alone. I, too, have Yakov and many others to thank for where I am now.”

Yuuri returns his gaze for a few moments. Then, slowly, his face melts into a small smile. “I know,” he says softly.

Encouraged, Viktor smiles back as well. “So, do you think you might get help for your nerves?”

“I might think about it. Talk about it with my coach,” Yuuri mumbles, but Viktor can still make out what he’s saying.

“It’s your decision,” Viktor says. Then, because the atmosphere now feels light enough, resolved somehow, he takes a leap of faith and reaches over across the table for Yuuri’s hand. Yuuri’s eyes widen again, and his cheeks turn red, but there is a sparkle in his eyes and he doesn’t pull his hand away. It’s a bit sweaty in Viktor’s own, and trembles a bit, but it’s soft to hold and fits in his perfectly. “I only want the best for you, Yuuri. I hope you can believe that.”

“I…I think I can, Viktor,” Yuuri murmurs, and a small smile breaks through his nerves. Viktor smiles fondly at that. He really is so brave.

“Does that mean I can keep texting you?”

Yuuri actually chuckles a little at that. “Yes, Viktor, you can.”

“And I hope you’ll text me back, too.”

Yuuri winces slightly, but then shakes his head, his smile returning quickly. “I guess I deserved that. Yes, I’ll text back from now on. I swear.”

Viktor grins. “Good. That’s all I wanted to hear,” he says. “Now, what were you about to do when I ran into you in the lobby? Are you expected somewhere?”

“No…I was just going to try and see if I could find a grocery store. My coach doesn’t want me practicing today so I don’t overwork myself.”

“Then, are you hungry? We could have some lunch here, and then I could fulfill my promise and show you around Paris.”

Yuuri smiles a bit wider at that. “I think I’d like that.”

They order soup and some freshly-baked French bread to enjoy it with. Viktor figures he can cheat on his diet just this once. It’s just not France without bread. The meal they have is not the best food Viktor’s ever had in Paris, but it’s still quite good.

He and Yuuri catch up while they eat, discussing what has happened in the weeks they haven’t been in contact by texting. Viktor tells Yuuri about the GPF in more detail, and Yuuri tells him about how he’s doing in school. Yuuri has more to say about skating from the past weeks than Viktor does, because Viktor has mostly been going through the motions, but Viktor is content to listen and offer some last minute advice.

“I told you that you don’t have to be my mentor,” Yuuri says, even as he seems to eat everything piece of information Viktor can give him up like the soup in his spoon.

“I like being your mentor,” Viktor admits gently. “It’s been wonderful to see you flourish with my help. The new choreography suits you so much better as well.”

“I think so too,” Yuuri says, smiling wistfully. “You really don’t mind?”

“I’ll let you know if I start to mind. Would that suffice?”

Yuuri’s smile widens, just a little. “Okay.”

Viktor smiles too. Yuuri seems so much more open now than he was at the NHK Trophy, and it’s so lovely to witness. Viktor can’t help but wonder how much more there is still to unravel in the mystery that is Katsuki Yuuri, and how much more he will still get to find out. He’s even more intrigued now than he was before, and he finds himself hoping he can be in Yuuri’s life long enough to peel of every layer until he gets to see the core of Yuuri within.

Once they finish eating, Viktor insists on paying for the meal despite Yuuri’s protests, and then he takes Yuuri out to see Paris, for once grateful for the summers spent there. They take a taxi to the Notre Dame, and then walk by Seine and make their way to the Eiffel Tower. Viktor thought he’d lost all favor he may ever have held for this city by the time he turned 18, the beauty of it becoming so fragile in his field of vision and the taste of it turning ashy in his mouth, but as he watches Yuuri take all of it in, the way he stares at the beautiful sights and buildings in awe, he finds his being also becoming filled with those same emotions once more. The way Yuuri’s eyes reflect everything he sees seems to bring color back into what Viktor saw as gray and lifeless, and he immediately knows he wants to be able to remember this moment forever.

Therefore, he insists they take a picture together by the Eiffel Tower on his phone. And once he gets started on having pictures of Yuuri and himself on his phone, he can’t seem to stop. Yuuri gives him permission to post them online, too, so Viktor does, unable to stop smiling the entire time. Now more than ever, Viktor believes that beauty is twice more wonderful when it’s shared, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been happier to share the loveliness he’s gotten to experience today.

He does keep a few pictures just to himself though, not posting them anywhere.

…

Alas, the day passes them by in a hurry and it begins to grow dark and cold before they know it.

“It’s such a shame that we’re here for only a few days. I would’ve loved to have been able to take you to Louvre, but one rather has to spend all day there,” Viktor says while they’re slowly starting to make their way back to the hotel.

“You really do know Paris well, Viktor,” Yuuri says. “I think you mentioned in an interview once that you’ve lived here?”

“I have, when I was younger. I used to spend many summers here during the off-season. I haven’t visited again for a while now, however.”

“Why not?”

Viktor shrugs, hoping the emotions beginning to course through his being aren’t showing on his face. “Skating eats much of my time, I suppose. And my mother no longer lives here either, so I have no one to come see anymore.” Not that Viktor probably would, even if she did still live in the City of Lights.

“I see,” Yuuri mumbles, but doesn’t follow that up with anything. He changes the subject instead. “Are you confident about your chances in winning here?”

Viktor opens his mouth, almost ready to say something generic and vague that he might feed to press in the next few days, before he stop himself. This is Yuuri. This is someone he really wants to be friends with, has been developing something akin to an actual connection with. And Yuuri was honest with him earlier. Viktor could tell that hadn’t been easy, that what he revealed called for much courage and trust. And he’d asked Viktor to be himself. Doesn’t that mean he should be as honest as he can be? Won’t letting Yuuri in to see some of his flaws the way he’s been allowed to see some of Yuuri’s be the only way they can ever become truly closer? Perhaps that is what Yuuri meant when he asked Viktor to be himself.

Gathering his courage, he says, “I’m not sure,” he can see Yuuri turning to him very quickly from the corner of his eyes, but Viktor keeps on looking ahead. “Truthfully, I haven’t quite been able to maintain the mindset my programs and my theme for this season require. That might affect my score if it happens during the competition and the judges take notice.” He chuckles sadly. “Though I can’t be sure if that would still mean I won’t win. But I don’t think I’d be happy with a victory where I could tell I hadn’t been able to give the best performance I could’ve given.”

Yuuri is silent for a moment. Then, to Viktor’s surprise, he softly says, “I could tell. When I watched your free program at the Russian Nationals. It wasn’t as good as at the Grand Prix Final. The emotions weren’t…”

Viktor blinks, suddenly frozen still in one spot, unable to move or walk any further. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard such honest words from anyone about his skating other than Yakov. Knowing Yuuri’s his fan, it’s all the more surprising. Or perhaps that’s the exact reason Yuuri might be able to see the flaws in it. If he really has been following Viktor’s career for so long…

“At the Grand Prix Final, your performance was honest,” Yuuri continues. “I could see everything the character you were playing was going through. At Nationals, it was more…more like a performance. A very good and believable performance, but not as honest. You were an actor on the ice, performing, rather than the actual character.”

Viktor doesn’t know what to say. He wonders if Yuuri has also realized the reason why his skating was so honest at the GPF, why it was so raw and real. He’s not sure if he has the courage to ask, however. Not yet, anyway.

Suddenly, Yuuri’s face pales, and he holds up his hands. “I-I’m sorry!” he rushes to say. “Please forget I said anything! I didn’t mean…!”

“You’re right,” Viktor says, so quietly it’s almost a whisper. But it seems to be enough to stop Yuuri from panicking. “That’s exactly the way it is.”

Yuuri blinks. Viktor expects him to say something, to question him, to demand to know more. But none of that ever comes. All Yuuri does is look at him, the look in his eyes slowly growing soft. They stand in silence for a few moments, in the cold and dusty darkening streets of Paris, but although Viktor is nervous, the quiet surrounding the two of them is truthfully not awkward. It’s quite all right for him to stand in a silence like this with Yuuri. All he’s afraid of is when the silence might break and what might come with it breaking.

But, when he finally does speak, all Yuuri says is, “Come on. Let’s get back to the hotel.”

Viktor only barely manages to merely widen his eyes. “All right.”

They walk the rest of the way back remaining in that companionable silence.

…

Viktor Nikiforov @v-nikiforov · 2 h 38 m

[image] [image] [image] [image] [image]

I got to show @y-katsuki around Paris! #ParisWorlds #katsukiyuuri

 

Holy Blades @angelskates · 2 h 30 m

Whoaaaah, since when do you guys know each other @v-nikiforov?

 

Shiny Ice @shiningice · 2 h

katsuki must be pissing himself in joy right now lol. he’s always saying how vitya is his inspiration. #ParisWorlds

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 1 h 19 m

I hope you guys had fun @v-nikiforov @y-katsuki! :D.

 

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 1 h 15 m

They kinda look like a couple in that picture… #ParisWorlds #IdolOrRival

 

Ice Sk8er @hewasanicesk8erboi · 1 h 7 m

@quadflipped hey shut up, vitya could get in serious shit for something like that. he’d never be so stupid. #ParisWorlds #viktornikiforov

 

Kristen Grayson @krissycray · 1 h 5 m

@quadflipped yea, not to mention he would never risk it all for some noob skater who’s only just made his debut. katsuki’s not even that good-looking.

 

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 1 h

excuse you @krissycray, but yuuri-chan had a really impressive career in juniors and hes a beauty! #seemyhandle #katsukiyuuri

…

The next days are filled with practice and last minute corrections to programs, so Viktor doesn’t get so spend as much time with, or even see Yuuri as much as he would like. Yuuri is in a different practice group than him, and seems to be spending all the time he can spare on the ice. They only manage to squeeze in one dinner during which they’re both almost too exhausted to make proper conversation. They manage to text each other a few times, but that is basically everything.

Finally, the World Championships start in full swing. Viktor is in first place after the short programs, but to his delight, Yuuri is in fifth place. That means they’ll both be in the last group skating the free programs. He might just get to see Yuuri skate in person like hoped.

As they make their way out of the arena after the short programs, Viktor congratulates Yuuri on his accomplishment, but Yuuri is barely responding. Viktor would like to take him to dinner, but it’s late and they both have practice again tomorrow before the free programs the day after start. The way Yuuri’s turned almost ashy shade of pale worries him, though, so he sends out a few messages in his room that he hopes are encouraging.

_From: Me_

_I won’t tell you not to be nervous. That would be meaningless and unhelpful._

_From: Me_

_But I think it’ll help if you just try to forget the audience. Focus on the program. I believe in you, Yuuri._

It’s not until the next day when he gets to check his phone after practice that Yuuri has answered.

_From: Yuuri_

_Thanks._

_From: Me_

_You’re welcome :). Do your best!_

The day of the free programs consists mostly of much waiting and warm-ups for Viktor. Being in the last group to skate always means that in a big competition like Worlds, one has to to wait a long time for one’s turn to skate, all the while trying not to get psyched out by the performances and presence of others. Viktor in his time has gotten used to all of that, but he knows that it’s the type of atmosphere where it’s easy to start overthinking everything and lose your nerve.

Knowing all of this makes him even more worried about Yuuri, who is keeping to himself with Celestino by his side. Viktor tries to keep an eye on him even as he exchanges a few friendly but empty words with Chris, ignores last-minute lectures from Yakov, and makes sure he’s getting properly stretched. Viktor’s not sure if he should approach, but he can’t help the way his concern is increasing from they observed way Yuuri keeps fidgeting, trembling and turning paler with every minute.

Eventually, Yuuri’s coach leaves, likely to use the bathroom, and Viktor can’t help but grab onto the opening he sees there. He slowly makes his way over and sits himself by Yuuri on the bench. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

Yuuri’s leg is moving up and down in a nervous fashion. The other leg Yuuri’s holding against his chest, but Viktor can see the way he keeps rubbing at the sides of his thumb’s fingernail with his middle finger. The thumb is starting to look rather red as Yuuri keeps almost manically picking its skin, but otherwise his hands are looking particularly white as he hides his face behind his bent leg.

“…Not good.”

“Waiting like this for so long is not easy. There is far too much time to think about everything, and that can be detrimental,” Viktor murmurs, not wanting anyone to overhear but also not wanting to make anything worse for Yuuri by accident.

Yuuri doesn’t answer, and just keeps hiding his face away from Viktor. Viktor allows him that, but can’t help but wonder if Yuuri perhaps just wants to be left alone and if he’s overstepping his boundaries again.

“…I think I need help,” Yuuri whispers eventually, so quiet Viktor almost can’t hear it.

“Is there anything I can do?” Viktor asks softly.

“Just…distract me,” Yuuri says, finally lowering his leg and allowing Viktor a look at his face. He looks pale still, but with his long dark lashes, the crystals around his eyes and the light touch of pink on his lips, it all works to create a picture of innocence out of him in his Swan costume. Viktor has to blink a few times, because the sight is so close to stealing his breath away.  “I’ll…I’ll work on this better once the competition is over.”

So Yuuri means getting the sort of help Viktor suggested before. The thought makes Viktor smile. And he can certainly keep Yuuri occupied. At least now they have a moment for themselves to just talk for a while like proper friends. Even if Yuuri’s beauty is rather dazzling.

“Would you like me to talk about something other than skating?”

“I think it’s fine if you talk about skating…just not about the competition itself, or how everyone else is doing or…”

“I understand,” Viktor says. “Let me tell you about what happened at practice yesterday. Yakov was so very angry…”

Little by little, Yuuri’s eyes slowly begin to lose the manic look they had when Viktor first saw them earlier today. He’s still pale, his shoulder tense and his fingers picking at his skin, but he’s beginning to grow more responsive by the minute. Celestino, when he returns, seems to notice this as well, and stays further away, eyebrow raised as he follows their conversation from his position, but he doesn’t interrupt them until it’s time for Yuuri to start properly warming up. Viktor does his own stretches, but he and Yuuri take light jogs together down the corridor.

“Thank you, Viktor,” Yuuri murmurs as they do.

“It’s all right,” Viktor says. “Just skate the best you can today. I want to witness it. That’s the best way for you to thank me.”

Yuuri doesn’t answer, but Viktor could swear he can see a small flame of determination flash in Yuuri’s eyes at his words. It makes his heart skip a beat.

After that, it doesn’t take long before it’s finally time for Yuuri to skate. Viktor is only a few skaters behind him, so he insists to Yakov to move to the rink side a little early. Yakov argues, but only a little, complying if Viktor promises to keep on warming up. He tries his best to, but he can’t help the fact that his attention is overtaken when Yuuri hands his black JSF jacket over to his coach, and takes to the ice with his delicate form wrapped entirely in white apart from his dark hair. He’s almost ethereally beautiful in the way he moves across the ice with grace and delicacy, already capturing the mindset and the idea of the White Swan. Viktor can’t quite see his expression from where he is, but it seems like he has found some sort of inner peace.

Viktor can’t help but hold his breath as the soft, melodic music starts, and Yuuri begins to skate. Immediately Viktor can see the musicality and grace in his movements of his arms. They’re soft and sweet, like the wings of a swan or an angel. Purity at its loveliest, untainted but also untouchable; distant and separated from the rest of the world. He’s following the updated choreography which means that most of the first half of the program is almost completely step sequences and spins. They are both enchanting and tight, Yuuri’s strengths clearly visible there as he perfectly becomes his character once more.

His emotions are visible in every move he makes and in his expressions; all the sorrow and loneliness and separation Odette feels. Yuuri shines like a star, but at the same time is just as unreachable in the current state he’s portraying. This sort of purity is false; it can only stay like that so long as you look at it from afar and don’t try and get too close, because as soon as you take a better look the flaws begin to grow more visible.

Then Yuuri moves onto the second half of the program, and his body language seems to almost completely change. It’s a gradual thing, but his grace starts to morph into something that looks more like the display of power. His jumps start and they reflect that same strength. His expression is growing determined and fierce. The swan is transforming. It’s losing it feathers, its white coat of purity. It’s becoming the human that was hidden behind the mask. He is no longer unreachable, instead becoming more real with every move he makes. He’s not perfect like he was from afar.

Yuuri moves to prepare for what at his Nationals was a triple Salchow, even though Viktor had planned it as a quad in his choreography. But as Yuuri breaks through the air, Viktor can’t help the way his eyes widen and his heart leaps into his throat, because that right there was a _quad_. Yuuri touches his hand down on the ice following the jump, but he manages to stay on his feet, and Viktor can’t seem to make his heart stop going a mile a minute. Yuuri took a chance and used the original choreography Viktor created for him.

Even with the technical mistake he made, Viktor can’t help but feel like that, too, fits into the program and the story Yuuri’s telling with his skating. Yuuri’s Odette is becoming human, and demanding everyone see her as she truly is, witnesses the rebirth of her as flawed and real rather than the idea of a pure angel they want to believe her to be. Viktor’s heart is caught in his throat. Yuuri skating in person like this is even more dazzling than he ever could’ve imagined.

Yuuri makes it through the rest of his program beautifully and ends it with his arms held out towards the audience, as if to invite them into an embrace, if they dare, if they’re willing to accept him as he is. And it’s only then that Viktor realizes he stopped breathing sometime while Yuuri was skating, so entranced as he was. He joins in on the furious applause erupting from the audience in the massive skating area, hoping he can convey to Yuuri a little bit of how proud and how happy he is, even though he can’t tell him in person just yet.

Yuuri moves onto the Kiss & Cry to wait for his scores after Celestino wraps him both in a hug and his black jacket. Viktor feels like he’s about to burst open like a volcano from excitement and nerves as he and everyone else in this arena waits for Yuuri’s scores to be calculated. And when they arrive, he claps louder than anyone else, his heart beating like drum in his chest to the beat of the crowd. They’re high enough to have, for now at least, put Yuuri in first place. Viktor feels like he could weep with pride and joy as he watches the look of disbelief taking over Yuuri’s face on the monitor and the way tears of happiness begin to well up in his eyes as Celestino grabs him into another embrace. Viktor can’t wait to get to congratulate him in person, too.

Before that, however, he still needs to wait for a few more skaters to finish their turns and in the meantime finish getting warmed up. It has been quite a while since Yuuri moved into the green room by the time Viktor’s turn to skate arrives.

But by the time he glides to take his place in the middle of the rink, he already knows that this is only going to be a performance. It won’t be honest; it won’t be him bearing his soul and giving the best possible version of this program just because he wants everyone to hear the innermost cry of his heart. He’s not feeling those emotions of turmoil that would make him skate that way and he can’t seem to be able to even call upon their memory to the surface so he could mimic them to the best of his ability. He’s still far too filled with joy and pride, still so filled with images of Yuuri skating in his mind’s eye and how he made that program his own. How he subverted his own theme but didn’t break away from it; only made it more honest, made his program say what he wanted to say with the choreography Viktor created for him.

Viktor skates. He performs. But the program is no longer _his_ like Yuuri’s was. When he gets his scores, and finds out he’s just won the World Championships for the second time in a row, it just feels hollow and he can’t call forth a genuine smile. He knows he didn’t skate as well as he could’ve, and he can’t help but think that if they sent him to skate the program now that he’s heard the outcome, he could do it much better. The emotions would be much more honest.

Chris gets silver. Yuuri gets bronze. Viktor is happier about this than he is about his own gold as they stand on the podium. Yuuri starts crying again while the three of them pose for pictures, trying desperately to wipe the tears away with his fingers. Viktor keeps glancing down at him with both pride and regret in his heart, barely paying attention to anything else. Deep within, he knows Yuuri deserved his medal much more than he did. He wishes he could exchange their medals. It would bring Yuuri much more joy than it does him. Viktor can’t even remember when he last felt so moved by his accomplishments as Yuuri is by his own right now.

Yuuri still hasn’t stopped crying when it’s time for all three medalists to stand on Viktor’s top place on the podium. Viktor is delighted to be allowed put his arm around Yuuri. He leans down to whisper in his ear, “That was the best thank you. I’m so glad I got to see it.”

Yuuri wipes at his eyes again, and smiles shakily but widely at Viktor. His brown eyes sparkle both with tears and the lights of the arena, creating the vision of galaxies of stars bursting within them. He’s breathtakingly beautiful even as his cheeks begin to turn splotchy underneath the light powder applied to his face. His tears cling to his eyelashes like pearls and Viktor kind of wants to wipe them away with his own fingers, just to see if they would really become solid and valuable at his hands like in fairytales.

He also just wants to pull Yuuri very close to him, to feel the warmth of his body against his own, to taste the breath of his mouth with his own as they touch the tips of their cold noses together. Yuuri’s eyes truly shine so bright, like pools of melted chocolate and Viktor finds himself drowning in them. He can’t tear his eyes away and doesn’t even want to. His lips begin to tingle with the longing that is starting to echo within him and without even thinking about it he’s starting to lean in closer to Yuuri, his eyes now finding Yuuri’s pink, soft, shining lips. Yuuri isn’t pushing him away or pulling away.

“Excuse me, Mr. Nikiforov, a few more pictures, please?” One of the journalists says, shattering the bubble Viktor was wrapped inside of.

Viktor can feel himself blush, as he quickly turns away from Yuuri and back to the cameras. His lips still tingle with that inexplicable longing to touch Yuuri’s and to have him close, and he has to concentrate on not biting down on them for the rest of the day. He can barely focus through the press conference following the event, his head swimming with thoughts and feelings over what almost took place. He almost kissed Yuuri in front of everyone, in front of the world. Just a little more, and he’s almost sure he would’ve. And what then? The press would’ve had a field day, that’s for sure. Yakov would’ve been so angry. And not just in the way he usually is when it comes to Viktor.

Viktor had only just started training with Yakov’s team as a Junior when his rinkmate at the time, Mikhail Volkov, was involved in a romantic scandal with another skater. He can still remember the consequences of that, remember the screaming fights with Yakov that followed, and the way the veins on Yakov’s forehead still start ticking when someone mentions Mikhail’s name in his presence.

He also remembers the aftermath. Mikhail lost both his lover and his skating career. He had been the rinkmate Viktor once looked up to, the one on his way to become something so great it only happened once a generation. But he threw it all away for something, for someone, that was ready to throw him under the bus to save his own skin.

Mikhail retired not soon after, not being able to recover his reputation, find another coach after the scandal or gather up enough sponsors to help him continue skating. Viktor still sees it as one of the tragedies of figure skating, not having been able to witness what greatness Mikhail might’ve accomplished if he’d been allowed to keep on with the sport that he loved.

Skating is finally starting to mean something again to Viktor, and he also knows it means something even more to Yuuri. How could he be so careless as to almost destroy that for both of them? And yet, every time he looks at Yuuri during the aftermath of the competition, he can’t help but wonder what it might’ve felt like if their lips had touched after all, if he had closed up that tiny final gap between them, and feels the heat that spreads across his face and the way his heart starts to hammer in his chest.

At the exhibition, Yuuri skates a beautiful program where he portrays some sort of forest sprite, dressed mostly in green leaves and wines, pure like the unsoiled nature but also a little mischievous and fickle. Viktor can’t take his eyes off him, the way he is so relaxed and free when the pressure of competition is over and he can just _skate_.

His own program is fun and whimsical, a total contrast to his theme this season. Skating that, he feels much more honest and alive than he did while he was competing. His theme next season will have to be something completely different and he can’t wait to start working on the choreographies. He finally feels alive again. Maybe his skating can reflect that next season. That will at least be honest. He can make programs about the journey he took to get there.

The banquet is the same as it always is, entertaining sponsors and officials and trying to make nice with them even though Viktor truthfully finds them incredibly boring. He occasionally finds himself glancing over at Yuuri from across the room, who is surrounded by people himself as the bronze medalist. Sponsors are bound to come to him now, even more than they were before, since he’s shown he can make it in the Senior Division as well as in Juniors.

Some time during the night, however, Viktor to his fortune happens to spot Yuuri excuse himself to the drinks table. He makes the quick decision to do so himself from the group he’s currently entertaining. This will likely be the last time he’ll get to see Yuuri for a long time, and he wants to be able to talk to him at least some before they both have to depart Paris.

“Hey,” he says as he reaches the table.

Yuuri seems to just about jump out of his skin, before hastily turning to face Viktor. He reflects on Viktor’s face for a few minutes, before withdrawing his gaze as a deep hue of red takes over his face. “H-hi,” he lets out quietly, still not meeting Viktor’s eyes.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” Viktor says, lowering his own tone into a quiet, gentle murmur.

“I-it’s okay,” Yuuri says, slightly firmer, as he raises his eyes to meet Viktor’s. Viktor notes that even his the tips of his ears are burning bright. He finds that horribly endearing, especially added with the small smile Yuuri grants him. “I didn’t get to say it before, but congratulations again for your victory.” Viktor nods. They had both been almost immediately drawn away to do their press duties, something he was rather upset about because he hadn’t been able to congratulate Yuuri in person either.

“You were magnificent today, Yuuri,” Viktor says, because he doesn’t want to talk about himself right now. He’s been doing that enough for the past few hours, and it still feels so dishonest it’s been leaving a bad taste in his mouth. “I’m so happy I was able to see that in person.”

“I touched down on the Salchow though…” Yuuri sighs, frowning. “I shouldn’t have upgraded it. It was stupid of me.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Viktor says firmly, and almost wants to grab Yuuri by the shoulders to show how much he means that, to make sure Yuuri looks at him and _hears_ him. But he refrains. “I was...I was so proud of you for doing that. You took a chance, and as far as I can tell, it paid off.”

Yuuri’s blush deepens, but his smile also widens and his eyes shine in that same way they did on the podium. Viktor loves that expression on him. “I almost can’t believe it…”

“You deserve this, and every medal that will follow,” Viktor says firmly. “This is your time now, this is just the beginning. You’ll get even better than this.” Yuuri shakes his head a little, disbelieving, but he doesn’t stop smiling so Viktor is willing to overlook that.

“I’m still mad at myself for making that touch-down,” Yuuri mumbles, his brows furrowing in a slight frown.

Viktor takes in a slow breath to avoid sighing. He’s starting to learn that Yuuri has a tendency to fixate on his mistakes over his accomplishments. But he also knows that trying to talk him out of those circling thoughts is rather futile.

So, he says, “I’ll find a video of it when I return to Russia. I will see if I can figure out what went wrong and I’ll let you know how you can improve on the Salchow. How does that sound?”

Yuuri blinks a few times, before he grants Viktor a smile, and Viktor returns it, immediately knowing he said the right thing. “Thank you. I’d appreciate that very much.

Viktor nods. “Are you going back to America tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri admits. “The school year is not over yet. I have to start preparing for the finals and finish my projects.”

Viktor nods. “I’ll text you. Maybe we can even call or Skype once in a while…?”

Yuuri nods. “That’d be nice.”

Viktor’s heart is throbbing in his chest and he once again wants to pull Yuuri close to him; to hold him and kiss him everywhere, including his lips. He can’t help but wonder if Yuuri would mind, if the two of them were alone right now. He didn’t seem like he minded before on the podium. Viktor briefly considers if he should ask Yuuri about it, about what almost took place earlier, but this is neither the time nor the place. Anyone could overhear them here. But _God_ does he want to.

“I should let you get back to the others,” he manages to choke out, taking on the falsely pleasant tone he has mastered over the years. “Have a safe journey home, Yuuri.”

“You as well, Viktor,” Yuuri says, frowning a little. He gives Viktor one last nod, looking much less happy as he goes on his way, back to his duties. Viktor watches him go, being able to understand how he’s feeling very well. With the World Championships being over, the skating season is ending for the two of them and it’s likely they won’t be able to see each other until the next one starts, months and months away.

The thought is already painful to bear.

…

Viktor Nikiforov @v-nikiforov · 53 m

[image] [image] [image]

I’m proud to present my new World Champion gold medal. Thank you everyone for your continued support! #ParisWorlds (1/2)

 

Viktor Nikiforov @v-nikiforov · 45 m

[image] [image]

Special congratulations also to @y-katsuki for his bronze medal. Can’t wait to see what you do next! #ParisWorlds #PodiumPals (2/2)

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 38 m

yaaas, so proud! #ParisWorlds #viktornikiforov #NikiforovGold

 

Jordan Knight @therealJordanK · 35 m

Congratulations Viktor! #ParisWorlds #VictorReturns #NikiforovGold

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 30 m

You totally deserved it! #ParisWorlds

 

Ice Sk8er @hewasanicesk8erboi · 22 m

Katsuki honestly did really well too. A Worlds bronze during his Senior Debut season is no joke. #ParisWorlds #katsukiyuuri

 

Blades on Ice @thebladeskater · 17 m

Oh yeah, Katsuki really proved himself this time around. Looks like figure skating just got a little more interesting.  #ParisWorlds #katsukiyuuri

 

King and the Skater @kingnskater · 15 m

Yuuri’s program was so much stronger now than at the beginning of the season! He’s really made it his own! #ParisWorlds #katsukiyuuri

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 13 m

[image]

Is it me or is Viktor having a hard time not looking at Katsuki on the podium? #ParisWorlds #PodiumPals #MoreLike #PodiumBaes

 

Missy Holmes @totaliussherlockius · 12 m

Oh yeah, I totally noticed that. #ParisWorlds #PodiumBaes

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 11 m

Yeah, for a second there I was sure he was going to kiss him! #ParisWorlds #PodiumBaes #WeNeedaShipName

 

Dripping Icicle @drippingicicle · 10 m

You’re all delusional. Vitya’s just checking out the competition. He’d never risk breaching contract with Yakov like that. #ParisWorlds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got another lovely art piece by Bullsfish of Viktor in his "Turmoil" costume [here](https://bullsfish.tumblr.com/post/166830660014/hes-like-a-soldier-that-has-seen-far-too-much). Thank you so much! <3.


	4. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, I hate to do this to you so early in the game, but I think I need a bit of a break from this fic. Not much, but I think you should prepare for the next update taking place in three weeks instead of two. That'll give me one extra week to rest for a bit.
> 
> Thank you for your patience :).

Yuuri goes back to America with a bronze medal, confusion in his heart and a determination to push every complicated emotion and thought as far down as they can go.

It turns out to be surprisingly easy with how much school suddenly seems to take over his life. Yuuri still keeps up with his skating and exercise, of course, but for the most part he has to focus on his studies more than anything after the skating season ends. He reads the material, writes essays and takes exams. He doesn’t give himself time to even consider any unwelcome thoughts about Viktor, pushing all of them deep, deep down. He refuses to even look at those thoughts. He knows that is a path he won’t be able to come back from. If he lets them take over, he’ll be lost forever.

In any case, it’s no use dwelling on something that will never lead to anything but misery. He can’t bring that upon to Viktor, even if he could bring it upon himself. A part of him wishes he could return to the period when he was avoiding Viktor because it would make his swim in denial much easier, but he made a promise and he plans on sticking to it. He really doesn’t want to hurt Viktor again, doesn’t want to be the one to put on him that strange, fragile expression Viktor showed him when he apologized for something that he hadn’t even done. He doesn’t much miss the gnawing guilt that increased with every new unread text message from Viktor either.

Besides, after everything that happened in Paris, Yuuri has to admit it has been even easier to talk to Viktor than before. They’ve been texting more and more frequently, and they even Skype one another once in a while when they can manage to fit their schedules together. Many of the remaining walls between them have come down with a few serious conversations, a day spent in each other’s company touring Paris and standing on the same podium together. It only makes him like talking to Viktor more and harder to stay away from him even if could. Viktor the Idol is disappearing more and more and from behind him, Viktor the Person is more visible each day. It’s both strange and very, very wonderful. Even if it turns out that Viktor the Person texts like a teenager, if only with more words.

_From: Viktor_

_i still cant believe ure able to balance school and skating competitively. im not sure even i could do that!_

_From: Me_

_Is that why you quit college?_

_From: Viktor_

_yea, pretty much. i mean, ive always liked learning, but ive had private tutors for most of my life, accommodating me so i could have skating as a priority. going to college was so different from that. they dont wait for you, even if you have a competition the same week your paper is due._

_From: Me_

_Have you ever regretted it? Not finishing?_

_From: Viktor_

_sometimes, i guess. i might still go after i retire, who knows?_

Yuuri battles with himself, biting at the insides of his mouth and picking at the side of his fingernails, to keep his emotions from overflowing with every word he exchanges with Viktor, pushing them down, down, down, and tries to just enjoy what they already have. He draws all the courage and strength he can from it, and when he feels like he could collapse from all the schoolwork he has to deal with, a text from Viktor always manages to perk him up. It is also with their conversations in Paris in mind from which he draws the steel to his spine to go and talk to Celestino about his mental weaknesses.

After returning from the World Championships, Yuuri fought with himself for around a week whether or not he should bring up the issue of his nerves and weak mind to Celestino. The idea of having to admit to it to his coach was overwhelmingly humiliating and scary. Yuuri still hates that no matter how much time passes, he just can’t fix this problem on his own. He’s learned to manage it to a degree, but his weakness always returns to haunt him, usually just when he needs it to stay away the most. But Viktor’s right; if Yuuri can’t learn how to manage this, he’ll never be able to grow into his full potential or show it to the world. And perhaps he actually doesn’t have to face all of it alone and without any help.

So, he gathers his courage and brings it up with Celestino like he did with the idea of changing his choreography. He does it over the phone, reasoning he can at least hang up to escape the situation if it gets too awkward, and he doesn’t really want to talk about it at the rink anyway, where anyone could overhear them. He fumbles through his explanation, losing his words multiple times, until Celestino cuts him off.

“Yuuri,” he says gently, in a warm tone that he often takes with him. “This is a good thing, that you’re bringing this up. I’m really proud of you for doing that. Of course we can find you some help. Don’t worry, you can let me take care of everything. All you need to do is show up for the appointments, okay?”

Yuuri swallows around the lump in his throat, because he rather feels like he might cry and he doesn’t want Celestino to hear that. He’s both relieved and still terrified and ashamed, but also so, so grateful that his coach isn’t judging him, isn’t telling him that all of this is just in Yuuri’s head, that he should be able to handle this much. He wishes he could tell Celestino how much it means that he’s being so kind about all this, but all he can muster in order to maintain his composure is, “Okay. Thank you, coach.”

Celestino consults a few sources after that, and sends Yuuri to meet a few potential candidates who he thinks might work best for him. He makes it clear that the final decision lies in Yuuri’s hands and that Yuuri needs to be honest about how each of the people he meets makes him feel. Yuuri fills out a lot questionnaires with painful and humiliating inquiries in plain and bare clinic lobbies, but it seems to merit some results because none of the people he meets appear to think he’s just making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.

He eventually ends up settling on the second person he meets up with, a Dr. Honda. She’s the child of first generation Japanese immigrants who grew up in a very Japanese home in America, and she makes Yuuri feel a bit less lost. He gets to speak Japanese with her and although she wasn’t born in Japan, she seems to understand certain nuances about him and the way he is that he doesn’t think anyone else could.

Yuuri doesn’t like to think of Dr. Honda as his therapist, because the term makes him feel even more pathetic and weak than normal. Like he’s someone who needs, well, a therapist. But he also can’t deny the fact that already after the first session with her, he started to feel calmer within the corners of his mind, and his condition has been improving even more since with each session they have together. He wouldn’t claim seeing Dr. Honda or talking to her is easy. Far from it. He’s still embarrassed over how much he’s cried in her office and he’s often exhausted to the bone after his meetings with her. But he also knows the only way anything is ever going to change is if he speaks and does his best in their sessions. And so he charges ahead, even when it’s painful, exhausting and embarrassing.

Dr. Honda says he suffers from an anxiety disorder. Yuuri’s still not quite sure how he feels about that. On one hand it’s almost a relief to finally put a name to the enemy that has plagued him for so long. It makes his problems seem more real, rather than something his mind has just conjured up as an excuse for his failures. But at the same time, the realness has a dark side. It makes his situation feel like a life sentence; something he’s fairly sure he’s going to have to carry for the rest of his life. She has told him that it’s fairly likely he may never completely be cured, that that’s not what their meetings are about.

“You can think it much like you think about your glasses,” she says. “It’s likely you’ll never see quite as well as people who don’t need glasses. But you have them to help you cope with that aspect of yourself. What we’re doing here is similar when it comes to your anxiety. You may never be able to completely get rid of that either, but I’m here to try and help you live and cope with it in your life. There’s no shame in that, Yuuri.”

She’s brought up the possibility of having him on medication as well, but he’s not quite sure if he’s ready to go that far, at least not just yet, and she doesn’t push it. He’s grateful for that. He has, however, acquired sleeping pills for the nights where his thoughts plague him too much to let him sleep and for competitions. His occasional insomnia has been a huge hindrance on how well he does with skating, so he’s utterly grateful for this type of chemical help at least. It’s a big load off his back, knowing he’ll probably be able to get at least some sleep at competitions from now on. For the moment, he only takes one when he feels like he might need it, but just having the pills as a back-up plan is a relief on his nerves. It helps him to on occasion almost find faith in all he can do in the next season, and he’s noticed he’s actually starting to look forward to everything that is going to happen a little.

He talks about it to Viktor when the time for him and Celestino to start deciding what Yuuri’s theme for the next season ought to be.

_From: Me_

_How do you decide on your themes for each season?_

_From: Viktor_

_usually inspiration comes first, then the theme. and inspiration can come from anything really; music ive heard, a movie ive seen, an event that happened to me, a feeling i want to portray..._

_From: Viktor_

_why?_

_From: Me_

_I guess I’m trying to see if I can choose my own theme this time. I think I’m probably stronger when I have more control over my programs and my music, like you said._

_From: Viktor_

_yuuri, thats so exciting! :D. i cant wait to see what you come up with! wanna skype so we can talk about it more?_

Yuuri eventually finishes his regular classes for the semester, taking a week’s break to wind down and just sleep, before it’s time for him to start his independent summer courses. It’s during this time that he also finally has the time to have a bit more fun and enjoy being in the off-season. He goes to the movies, treats himself to the cookies and cakes at the nearby café as a reward for finishing his courses and the skating season with good results, and dusts off his consoles to get back into his hobby of gaming. However, around the same time, he slowly has to start getting back to more regular training, too. He still has a bit more time for himself now than he would during the regular semester or the competitive season, but the truth is that he really can’t stay away from skating for a very long time. He’s always led a very active lifestyle and straying from that is actually more of a hindrance for him than an improvement.

He even ends up joining a ballet class for the summer, feeling the call to return to his first love rise. It’s actually a lot of fun, although Yuuri, somewhat shamefaced for even thinking about it, sometimes feels like he’s dancing in circles around everyone else in his class. Still, the instructor reminds him a bit of Minako-sensei in her stern yet supportive manner, and when she notices he’s growing slightly bored with the same old thing in the class, she gives him some more difficult exercises to do on his own. After that, he starts enjoying it even more.

He’s still not making friends in Detroit, though. People in his ballet class seem to be keen on avoiding him, and Yuuri has even overheard them making plans together to which he hasn’t been invited. He’s never wanted to make a nuisance of himself where he’s not wanted, so he makes sure to stay out of their way, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The dark and lonely nights in his apartment are growing harder and harder to bear with their crushingly loud silences. Even though Yuuri hasn’t had many friends in his life, in Hasetsu he used to see Yuuko and Nishigori almost every day, even after their babies were born. It’s still difficult to get used to having no one to talk to in person.

This ends up leading to a massive domino effect of many things. One, he turns even more towards his growing friendship with Viktor. By the time summer comes along, they’re texting each other multiple times each day. Most of the time Yuuri doesn’t even think about it anymore; he just has a thought he wants to share with someone and texts Viktor about it. Every message back from Viktor still makes him unbearably happy, his heart pounding in his chest, but he’s also growing more comfortable with each one. It helps him deal with the loneliness a bit, even if it only makes it harder for him to keep everything he’s _not_ supposed to feel down.

However, because of the time difference, he can’t be in contact with Viktor nearly as much as he’d really like, and Viktor is often asleep when Yuuri texts him. This tends to lead to bounds of cool melancholy and apathy born out of loneliness and boredom as the walls start to crowd in on him. To take his mind off things until Viktor can reply, Yuuri turns to social media. At least that way he can feel a bit more like he’s being invited to see how Yuuko’s triplets are developing and growing, how his family and the Onsen are doing, and what Viktor sees and experiences every day. It makes the ache lessen at least a little bit for the moment.

Unfortunately, Yuuri is always going to be his own worst enemy.

One night when he runs out of posts detailing everything his friends and family have been doing of late, his thoughts turn to Viktor again. His mind takes him back to the podium in Paris, and the way Viktor looked at him; like he was unable to look away, and how almost seemed like…

He rubs at his head hard, trying to shake that thought away before it can start with him. He needs a distraction right now. He can’t dwell on this, he mustn’t go down that path, he can’t let himself do that…

He doesn’t even let himself think about it, he just does it. It’s not the first time and it probably won’t be the last. No matter how much he knows intellectually that he shouldn’t do it, that all it will do is make his nerves run ragged and his self-loathing soar with every hateful word he reads, the impulse runs through him like flames, and he always ends up doing the worst possible thing anyway.

He taps over to Twitter and to the hashtag spelling out his own name.

There are plenty of supportive comments about his Senior Debut season, people curious about what he’s going to do and accomplish next, and a few look-backs to his Junior days as well. There is a surprising amount of positivity, actually, but it’s always the cruel, awful comments that really catch Yuuri’s attention and mind, and he just lets himself drown in them. Before he really knows it, he’s been scrolling through malicious comments about himself, his skating and his relationship with Viktor for hours on end. His phone is dying from the lack of power and he himself is shaking and crying. And yet he can’t seem to stop scrolling, even as everything he reads echoes within the chambers of his mind, spelling out everything he’s always thought about himself and chilling him to the point of violent shivers. He can’t stop going through words about how he’s mediocre as a skater and doesn’t deserve Viktor in his life or his bronze medal, and should’ve retired before his Senior Debut like multiple boys in Japan who were clearly much more sensible than him.

He stays up until the little hours browsing the hashtag and doesn’t go to sleep until it’s almost morning, exhausted from crying and shivering as he curls into a ball in his bed, his mind a wreck. A few days later, in their next session, he brings all of it up with Dr. Honda.

“It’s so stupid,” Yuuri says. His words feel like vomit as they come out of his mouth, sour and burning, and it’s all he can do not to burst into tears again. “I know I shouldn’t do it, I know it just makes everything worse, yet I can’t _stop_. Just like I can’t stop worrying or eating too much when I shouldn’t or…”

“Yuuri,” Dr. Honda says gently, after giving him a few moments to compose himself. She nudges the tissue box on the coffee table between them softly towards him. Yuuri takes out a tissue, even though he hates himself for it, for letting her see so clearly how much he needed them. “You are right in that you shouldn’t do it when it just makes everything worse. But neither the social media nor the eating are a failure of some sort on your part like you seem to think. It’s likely you’re using both of them as a type of self-harm to seek out a form of relief when your anxiety grows to certain heights.” Yuuri sniffs, but doesn’t say anything. “Can you tell if there was anything specific that made you want to hurt yourself in this manner?”

_Viktor_ , his mind answers. But he’s not going to go there. He can’t even go there by himself, let alone with someone else. He has mentioned Viktor to Dr. Honda of course, but he’s kept the same details he guards from his own mind firmly locked away from her as well.

“…I’m not ready to discuss that,” he answers, because the very first session they shared, Dr. Honda told him that was always something he could say when he didn’t want to discuss something. She told him she preferred that to lies.

She nods. “Okay, then we won’t if you don’t want to. I’m glad you brought this up, regardless,” she says. “Perhaps we should then talk about how you’ve been feeling lately?”

Yuuri shrugs. “Okay I guess. A little lonely, maybe.”

“Do you think things have improved for you since you started to come see me?”

“Yes,” Yuuri says, without hesitation. “I’ve been less prone to my old thought patterns, and when I get them I’ve been able to divert them better. That’s why…” he averts his eyes. “That’s why I hate that it happened again.”

“We’ve talked in the past how recovery is almost never linear,” Dr. Honda says. “There are often set-backs and slip-ups like this. They’re nothing to be ashamed of. You’re likely going to have them in the future as well.”

“I don’t like that,” Yuuri mumbles.

“Few people do, I imagine,” Dr. Honda says gently. “But they’re likely to happen anyway, and all we can do then is to continue doing our best to carry on and not see those set-backs as personal failures. What in my experience helps with that is to try and focus on the good. And the fact that you’re already seeing a change for the better is a very good thing indeed.”

“I am doing better,” Yuuri allows. “But I just feel like it’s not enough. I don’t just want to feel…not-anxious. I want to…I want to be happy. Or at least happier.”

“And I’m here to help with that,” Dr. Honda says kindly. “But a lot of it is also up to you yourself, and happiness won’t come to you overnight or in a handbasket. You have to take strides towards it, even when you’re afraid. That’s why I must tell you I hope, for your own sake, that you can talk to me about what’s really been bothering you sooner or later.”

Yuuri bites his lip, swallowing. He knows she’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear. “I’ll try.”

“All right then,” she nods. “For now, until you’re ready to discuss it, I think we should talk a bit more about coping mechanisms and how you can try and avoid situations like the one from a few nights ago better on your own with them. You already have quite a few coping mechanisms of your own. I would suggest that the next time you feel the urge to self-harm, you try and use one of them to feel better. Or if you need to sleep that moment, try taking one of your sleeping pills to help you relax. Both will surely be a more productive way to deal with your anxiety than going to look at hateful comments about yourself.”

“That’s what I usually do, anyway,” Yuuri admits. “This time it just…”

“As I said before, it’s okay to have slip-ups, Yuuri,” she says. “But it’s also always better to try and see if there’s a way you can learn from them and be able to avoid them the next time around.”

After his session, Yuuri does his best to follow Dr. Honda’s advice. It doesn’t take very long before the walls start falling in on him again and once more make it difficult to avoid thoughts about Viktor and the overbearing loneliness Yuuri’s been experiencing in Detroit, but this time when the urge to go on social media threatens to take over, he quickly changes into his athletic wear and heads off to his secret additional rink to do figure-eights instead. The focus of it, the familiar scent of a rink and the soothing glide of his blades on ice helps put his mind off things.

Dr. Honda has tried to encourage him to get out more and meet people to help with his loneliness, but Yuuri’s not just cut out for that. He can’t make connections happen out of thin air. Every friend he’s ever made he met almost through sheer coincidence and related to mutual interests, and he’s never known anything else. In any case, he doesn’t think he could ever find it in himself to just walk over to somebody and start up a conversation. He’d just feel like he was bothering them.

Honestly, all he really wants is for the friends he already has to not be so far away so he doesn’t have to practically make appointments to even be able to talk to them. Even Dr. Honda has agreed that coming to Detroit where he’s so far away from everything and everyone he’s ever known has likely heightened his anxiety because he’s more out of his environment than ever for the first time.

He just hopes it’ll all be worth it. He’s already won a bronze medal at the World Championships, but on the ice like this, in his most sacred and safest space, he can think to himself how that is just not enough. He wants more. He wants to reach for something higher, to show everyone their faith in him was not in vain, to deserve all of it. To deserve Viktor’s time and attention. To prove to all those people on the internet that they’re wrong in what they say about him. He wants to show everyone that he’s worthy of it all, and more.

He wants to show _Viktor_ he’s worthy of it all.

And suddenly, there it is. That feeling in his chest, in his veins: that familiar course of flames and fire being lit inside of him. That feeling of rightness, that passion for skating that drives through every step of his life, and he just _knows_ right then. This is what he wants to skate for the upcoming season. He will show everyone what he’s made of. He’ll show his worth to the world and prove through it that he is worthy. Maybe then he’ll be able to believe it better too, himself.

Once he gets off the ice, he sends off a text to Viktor.

_From: Me_

_I think I want my theme for the next season to be “Worth.”_

Because of the time by now, Viktor’s answer is prompt.

_From: Viktor_

_!!! that sounds amazing!_

_From: Viktor_

_do u kno wht u want to say w/ ur skating?_

_From: Me_

_I have to discuss it with Celestino, but I think I want to be able to find my own worth in the programs. But I also want them to show to the world that I am worthy._

_From: Me_

_Does that make sense?_

_From: Viktor_

_perfect sense :). its always good to seek inspiration from your own personal experiences._

_From: Viktor_

_im thinking of doing something similar myself…_

_From: Me_

_i cant wait._

_From: Viktor_

_;). can i make one suggestion for the theme though?_

_From: Me_

_Sure?_

_From: Viktor_

_if u want to not only showcase ur worth, but to show ure worthy, why not combine the 2? ur theme could be “worth(y).”_

Yuuri’s heart jumps into his throat. Because if “Worth” rose a flame through his veins, that word has sent a raging fire. Worth was a good theme, but this one…this one is _perfect_.

_From: Me_

_That’s amazing._

He almost wants to add _You’re amazing_ , but manages to refrain through the way his hands start to shake with the thought. Instead, he writes:

_From: Me_

_Thank you. You always help me so much._

_From: Viktor_

_like i said, i enjoy being ur mentor :). just show me wonderful skating and programs next season. bring me a real challenge._

And, because Yuuri is a fool high on Viktor’s attention, his passion for skating and his newfound theme, he writes.

_From: Me_

_I will. You’ll see._

…

Although Yuuri is doing his best to deal with his loneliness and melancholy through more useful means than hurting himself, the truth is that the problem itself isn’t going away so easily. This eventually leads to the third domino effect following looking at the hateful comments and finding his theme for the upcoming skating season. Namely, that Yuuri eventually agrees to go to party one of his rinkmates, Lara, is hosting at her house and invites him to.

It happens almost without Yuuri’s own permission, and so fast he can’t even give himself a moment to consider it. Lara simply comes over to him one day after practice, and with a curl of her red lips asks if he’d like to attend her party, Yuuri just ends up blurting out, “Okay,” before he can even think about it. He actually wants to take it back almost immediately after the word escapes his mouth, but can’t for the way it makes Lara’s eyes light up and gets her rambling how much fun it’s going to be and where she lives and when the party will take place.

Yuuri kind of feels bad because he’s getting the idea that Lara is far more excited about this than she probably should be. Ever since Yuuri got to Detroit, she’s been one of the few people who seem determined to talk to him, but truth to be told, he’s kind of scared of her. She’s the US National Champion in Ladies’ Singles and a year older than he is, very pretty and popular and sociable. And also really, really pushy, Yuuri can’t help but think. She keeps coming over to watch his practice runs with Celestino even when Yuuri knows her own won’t be taking place for a while yet, and Yuuri can’t help but dislike that. Shouldn’t he be allowed privacy to humiliate himself at least in practice if not in competition?

She generally seems to keep popping up everywhere, even when he thinks he’s alone, sitting down to eat with him without prompting and asking him to go somewhere with her. Yuuri can’t bring himself to ask her to leave when she settles next to him, not wanting to be rude, even when he would much rather be alone. Though he’s actually not entirely sure she’d hear him even if he did ask; she always seems to just mostly talk to herself without giving him any room to contribute to the conversation. And she’s scary and constantly there and he’s just _tired_ and wishes she’d leave him alone for once.

Still, because he agreed to come, he heads over to her apartment on the day and time he was given for the party, already feeling awkward and shy as he starts hearing the pounding of the music from the street while he approaches the right house. He’s not sure if he’s even wearing appropriate clothes for a house party, having never been to one before, and still kind of wishes he could just find a way to get out of this without seeming rude.

Lara shares a small house with several roommates, unlike him who just bunks at the training facility. It’s quite nice actually, with a bit of a green yard and a rustic sort of feeling. There are a few people littered around the lawn and the porch with cups of drinks in hand, usually in small groups, and a few of them give him curious looks that he does his best to ignore. He steps over to the porch and rings the doorbell, feeling rather like he wants to just run rather than stay here and kind of hoping people on the inside just might not hear the doorbell over all the noise. Mixed with the music are loud cheers at regular intervals that make Yuuri rather nervous.

It’s not Lara who answers the door, but a black girl in capris and a t-shirt. “Yeah?”

“I-I’m Yuuri. I was invited by Lara?” he says, trying his best to keep his voice steady and not make it squeak in an embarrassing way.

“Oh, yeah, she mentioned you,” she says, and smiles a little. “Lara! Your date’s here!”

Yuuri just about swallows his tongue, his heartrate spiking immediately. _Date?!_ Is she teasing or is that what Lara actually thinks this is? Yuuri thought she was just asking because she’s seen he’s been by himself and because he looked pathetic enough that she took pity on him. He barely has any interest in Lara as a friend, let alone as a girlfriend. And now he’s _really_ wishing he could just run away and not look back very fast.

He doesn’t run. Honestly, he feels like he’s been glued stuck to his spot by the bottoms of his shoes. What he does, instead, is take out his phone in a panicked frenzy and send a quick text to Viktor.

_From: Me_

_Pleas help me. I think I accidentally accepted a date invotation and I dno’t even like her. How do I tell her?_

“Hi Yuuri!” Lara’s rings from not far away and Yuuri’s head shoots up from looking at his phone. He’s vaguely relieved to find he probably isn’t that badly dressed for a party, because Lara is wearing just skinny jeans and a nice top that ties into a bow behind her neck.

“Come in!” she says and proceeds to grab him by the wrist and practically drag him in through the door. The music is immediately almost overwhelmingly loud and seems to drown everything else in the world out. There are people everywhere Yuuri’s eye can land, from the entrance hall he and Lara step into, to the rooms opening on both sides of it. People in the living room to the left seem to be playing some sort of game, and evidently that’s where the cheers were coming from, because they rise up once again when someone apparently gains a point. “Come on, let’s get you a drink!”

Yuuri’s only ever drunk few sips of alcohol here and there, mostly when his Dad let him have a taste out of his cup and at Yuuko and Nishigori’s wedding. He’s never had much urge to drink, a bit intimidated by the idea of losing control by drinking too much, and he’s also pretty sure both he and Lara are still too young to be drinking in USA. But he also knows drinking is just something people do at college parties like these, and it might help him feel a little less like he’s about to soak through his t-shirt with cold sweat, so he wordlessly follows her to the kitchen and lets her pour him a plastic cup of… _something_ from the large punch bowl on the table.

He takes a sip out of politeness and only barely manages not to grimace at the taste. The drink is weirdly bitter and sweet at the same time and has warmed up during the time it’s been sitting in the bowl. The bubbles sizzle in his mouth and the alcohol burns unpleasantly at the back of his throat going down.

“I’m so glad you could come!” Lara cheers over the music and the rest of the noise, and reaches over to put her hand on his arm. She’s generally getting a bit too close in his personal space for comfort, her face only inches away from hers. “Drink up, drink up!”

Yuuri takes another sip of his cup, not wanting to seem rude. Now that he knows what to expect, it goes down a bit more easily, though it’s still not pleasant.

“Wanna dance?” Lara asks, smiling so wide that her teeth look almost eerily bright. “Or want me to introduce you to some people first? Or drink more? Or eat something?”

“I-I…” Yuuri murmurs, his head swimming. It’s difficult to think in all this noise and with her staring at him so intently like that. So he takes another sip of his drink for the lack of anything better to do.

“Drink it is then!” she says, and grabs a cup for herself, knocking it against his. “Bottom’s up!”

Seeing Lara chug from her own cup without any evident problems, Yuuri tries to follow her example. He does his best to drown as much of the awful liquid in one go as he can while tasting as little as possible. He manages just about, and when the last drops remaining in his cup go down, he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. He hurries to take it out, trying to avoid a cough over the burn in his throat.

_From: Viktor_

_???idk wht happened, but i think the best thing u can do is jst b honst. If iits still new, she shouldnt be too hurt, right?_

Yuuri types a reply. 

_From: Me_

_I’ll tell you the dteails later. But she’s my rnikmate, I don’t want to hurt her fleenigs._

_From: Viktor_

_what are you doing? u usually type so neatly._

Yuuri hiccups. A strange fuzzy warmth is starting to spread over his mind and body, making it a bit more difficult to see and think clearly. Even the music around him seems to have faded somewhat to the background. Perhaps someone finally noticed how loud it was and decided to tune it down a bit?

_From: Me_

_I’m at a praty. I might be a bit drink._

_From: Viktor_

_be careful. try not to drink too much. i may not have had the full college experience, but i do know drinks can be stronger than you expect. esp if its ur first time._

Yuuri can’t help the smile that spreads across his face, and he’s pretty sure the warmth spreading from his chest all over the rest of his body isn’t just from the alcohol.

_From: Me_

_You’re awlays so nice to me Viktor. Yuo’re so aamzing. I l_

“Yuuri? Yuuri!” Lara’s voice breaks through the warm bubble Yuuri created around himself, and he jumps a little because he honestly forgot she was there for a moment. “Who are you texting?” Her tone is prickly and icy, and Yuuri can hear the undertone of _when you’re here with me?_

“Just…someone,” he says. The warm fuzziness of the liquor is starting to create way for the dizzying, sickening feeling of it, making his head pound to the beat of the music that seems to be coming back to haunt him. The world is suddenly starting to seem like it’s moving far too quickly around him, like it’s rolling in circles. Or maybe he’s swaying on his feet, he’s not entirely sure. “Lara…sorry, but I think I should go home.”

“What?” she gasps. “But you just got here!”

And maybe it’s the alcohol, or the fact that Viktor was so sweet and caring and nice about his feelings and Lara really, really hasn’t been, but Yuuri finds himself saying, “I think you wanted something I can’t give you when you asked me here. I’m sorry if I gave you false ideas.”

Lara’s blinks her big dark eyes in rapid fashion a few times, her mouth falling agape. Then, slowly, her face begins to grow redder and redder with every passing second, until it looks almost a sick shade of purple. “Fine, then. Be that way. Stay a loner forever. Or maybe go hang out with your precious _phone_.”

Yuuri bites his lip, his face growing warm and his eyes beginning to burn. Her words hurt. They hit right where they were meant to. He knows she’s probably just speaking in anger, but honestly, that just makes him feel worse. He really hadn’t meant to hurt her feelings like this, even if he’s never liked her as much as she’s seemed keen on his company. The drunkenness of his mind begins to give way to burning shame, and thoughts about how he may have accidentally led her on, and how he’ll have to avoid her from now on to avoid any further awkwardness.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, puts his cup down on the table, and hurries out of her house. He runs all the way back to his apartment, quickly brushes his teeth and goes to bed early. The alcohol he’s consumed ensures that he falls asleep, even if his dreams grow to become a restless blur of bright noises, colors and unrecognizable faces mixing together in frightful spirals.

Yuuri’s not terribly hungover when he wakes up the next morning, but his head is still a bit fuzzy so he stays inside for the most part of the day, napping on and off and playing some games once he starts feeling better. It’s not until afternoon that he remembers to even check his phone. There are a few new messages from Viktor, asking if he’s okay, but what really makes Yuuri’s heart jump into his throat is seeing the text he was typing to send to the man before Lara interrupted him. His face feels like fire, his hands grow sweaty and his heart won’t stop hammering as he stares at that little “l” he typed.

What was he meaning to write there? Like? _Love?_

And with that thought, it feels like every wall of protection he’s been building for himself for months now come crumbling down into dust. He can’t avoid it anymore. It’s too much, too late, too _everything_. He can’t make it disappear, because it’s filling every nook and corner of his mind, making room for itself and taking over. That image, that thought he’s been trying to vanquish with the emotions that come with it springs into his mind, clearer now than ever, even with all the effort Yuuri has been putting into making it disappear.

He’s been trying to tell himself it surely didn’t mean anything, that Viktor was probably just caught up in the moment or trying to tell him something with his eyes that Yuuri hadn’t understood. And yet…Viktor had stared into his eyes so intensely at the podium at Worlds, and Yuuri could’ve sworn he had started to lean closer to his face, to the point where Yuuri had been able to feel his breath upon his lips, taste the very essence of him and he’d longed for that taste so deeply from within that he hadn’t been able to think about anything else in that moment. Not the cameras, not the consequences, not anything; only Viktor, and how it might feel if his soft, pink lips touched Yuuri’s own.

As that image, that vision of how Viktor looked at that moment, overtakes his mind, Yuuri finds himself touching his fingertips down on his lips now, chasing after that phantom feeling of Viktor that he never got to truly experience. Would Viktor’s kiss feel like this too? Would he be gentle and caring about it? Or so full of passion and emotion that he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back, and everything between them would just consume him to the point where his kiss would be almost desperate?

Yuuri gulps, his whole body tingling with that thought, beginning to thrum with desire and longing as his breath quickens and his hands start to tremble. He can’t keep denying for much longer. The enormity of what he feels won’t allow it, when the fact of it all is that he really, _really_ likes Viktor. Especially when he’s also never been more attracted to him than he is now that they have something akin to an actual connection, and that’s saying something.

But Yuuri’s been content with just being Viktor’s friend and knowing he can’t ever have more. And even if Viktor _had_ been meaning to kiss him at Worlds, for one reason or another, it’s not like he has ever said anything about it since. So Yuuri hasn’t asked either. The last thing he wants is to make everything weird between the two of them, to let Viktor in on how much he has already overtaken Yuuri’s heart.

So he shakes his head, trying to make his mind pour out every thought regarding Viktor as anything more than a friend with the action. It doesn’t work quite as well as he would hope, especially since he’s still holding the phone he uses to communicate with Viktor in his hand. It’s starting to feel heavy like a stone in his palm with how much he itches to look at Viktor’s messages properly and send something back.

And because he promised he would at Worlds, and he doesn’t want Viktor to worry unnecessarily, he does.

_From: Viktor_

_yuuri? u ok?_ _did something happen?_

_From: Viktor_

_yuuri pls answer so i know ure ok._

_From: Viktor_

_…did i say something wrong again?_

Guilt immediately gnaws at Yuuri’s heart like a gold grip, and he hurries to type.

_From: Me_

_Sorry. I ended up telling her straight up and then going home. I fell asleep after. I’m sorry I worried you._

He sends it quickly, then hesitates before typing another message.

_From: Me_

_I think she was upset. I feel awful. I really didn’t mean to hurt her feelings._

His phone soon pings with a message, and he almost drops the device with how fast he attempts to open the text.

_From: Viktor_

_im just glad ure ok._ _and its better she knws the truth now. if you dont like her like that, its best that she knows. thatll save both of you a lot of grief in the long run._

_From: Viktor_

_u dont like her right?_

_From: Me_

_I don’t._

His heart throbs, because he longs to add “I like _you_.” But even if that was something Yuuri had the right to or the courage to say, he wouldn’t do it over a text. Viktor would deserve better than that.

Still, he can’t help but think back to his deleted message from last night. Even though the last sentence may have held words Yuuri shouldn’t even be thinking about when it comes to Viktor, there were some things in it that maybe wouldn’t hurt if Viktor knew them; if Yuuri told them to him. Especially since it still seems like Viktor is worried Yuuri might just leave him hanging one day like he almost did before. The guilt of that, too, feels cold at the bottom of his stomach. And because he hates that feeling a lot, he types.

_From: Me_

_Thank you for looking after me and caring about me. You’re really amazing, Viktor. I’m really glad you’re in my life._

Yuuri gulps, his heart in his throat and his face burning, but forcefully hits send before he can start second-guessing himself. His ears are ringing and tingling with how much he’s blushing, but he doesn’t regret telling that to Viktor. It’s all true, anyway, and Viktor deserves to know it. He deserves to hear at least a little bit of how much Yuuri cares for him, even if Yuuri can’t tell him the full extent of it.

It takes Viktor a while to answer this time, and it’s more than enough for Yuuri to start regretting his words soon enough anyway. Was it too much after all? Was it too weird? Should he just not have said anything? What if Viktor can see plain as day how Yuuri feels in his words? What if he thinks Yuuri’s weird now, or some kind of fanboy stalker who can’t let go of his boyhood crush? What if he realizes how they’re in such hugely different leagues and will want to stop talking to Yuuri altogether? What if…?

Finally, his phone pings and Yuuri opens the message with shaky hands and quickened breath.

_From: Viktor_

_of course, yuuri. you’re incredible, and i want you to be safe. i don’t want to lose you, because i’m so glad, too, that you’re in my life._

Yuuri lets out a shaky, happy sigh, his heart still hammering a mile a minute, as he presses his phone against his chest, his heart, curling up as a ball on his couch. Even if Viktor doesn’t mean it the way Yuuri does, just knowing and seeing in plain words that he means _something_ to him is amazing and Yuuri almost can’t wrap his head around it. He’s content with this. He will be content with this. How can he ever hope for anything better than this, anyway, so wonderful as it is?

He won’t.

…

Perhaps the universe has finally seen some of Yuuri’s struggles and decided to give him a break for a while, because a bit of time passes without any further mentionable incidents. Yuuri discusses his theme for the next season with Celestino, begins to work on the choreographies for his programs for said theme with him and then practices those programs in-between taking and finishing his summer courses and ballet classes, as well as attending his sessions with Dr. Honda. It’s not until August that Yuuri finds a change in his routine.

_From: Me_

_So I have a new roommate._

_From: Viktor_

_o really? :O. what r they like? seems kinda sudden._

_From: Me_

_His name is Phichit, he’s a skater from Thailand. I’ve seen him around in Juniors a few times._

_From: Me_

_He was originally supposed to room with someone else but something happened, I’m not sure what. But the original roommate went back home for a while and Phichit’s sharing with me instead._

_From: Me_

_He’s...nice?_

_From: Viktor_

_u dont sound too sure abt that._

_From: Me_

_It’s not really him, he honestly is very nice, if a bit overtly enthusiastic. I’m just never that good with people when I first meet them I guess._

_From: Viktor_

_nonsense, you were just fine with me ;). im fairly certain ure doing better than you think u r._

_From: Viktor_

_is he any good btw? as a skater?_

_From: Me_

_He has potential. We shared a podium a few times in Juniors. He’s very expressive, the type of skater that you don’t want to look away from. He’s a great entertainer, and his steps and spins are very good and unique in style. He’s a bit clumsy with jumps still though. But he’s only 16, he’s got time._

_From: Viktor_

_it sounds like celestino has a type when it comes to students ;)._

Truth to be told, Yuuri actually really likes Phichit’s warm enthusiasm and the way he just seems to charge into every new situation head-on. He smiles so much it feels wrong not to smile back in his presence. That sort of attitude is also kind of refreshing and enjoyable to see, especially when compared to the cold attitudes of the rest of Detroit, and Yuuri’s happier than he thought he would be about having someone to live with again. Having grown up in an inn where people were always coming and going aside from his family, he was used to the hustle and bustle of people sharing his living space. Not having that during his first year in Detroit, where he’s had his own room at the training facility, felt like just one more loss of what he used to consider normal. It’s kind of nice to have something akin to that once more, and particularly nice to not to have to eat his meals all by himself anymore. Especially when it always seems to make Phichit really happy for some reason when Yuuri prepares food for the two of them.

At the same time, Yuuri is a bit helpless when constantly faced with Phichit’s sunny attitude, and unable to figure out how to deal with it. He can’t help but feel like he’s the moon eclipsing the sun whenever he’s in Phichit’s presence, being so afraid of snuffing out his light with his melancholy personality. Phichit is so sweet and nice and cheerful that Yuuri can’t figure out why he would ever want to spend time with someone like him. And yet, it seems like he does, by the way Phichit asks Yuuri to watch movies together or go to the rink together or work on their individual schoolwork together. Yet he’s not pushy about it, not like Lara. He always knocks on Yuuri’s door to get permission to enter his room, is content when Yuuri is unable to do something with him and listens intently when Yuuri speaks.

And despite himself, despite his doubts, Yuuri slowly finds himself starting to reach back to him. After all, like Dr. Honda says, every piece of evidence he has tells him Phichit actually wants to spend time with him and get to know him. And Yuuri wants that too, and needs to get better at not letting fear stop him. Phichit and him may be different in many ways, but they’re both still two boys living in a strange city far away from home where few if any people speak their language. And Yuuri remembers what it was like to come to Detroit without anyone but his coach to support him. He doesn’t want that to happen to Phichit, who deep down must be just as scared as Yuuri was, when he’s even younger than him when he first arrived in Detroit. The thought of Detroit snuffing out Phichit’s light scares Yuuri more than the one that Yuuri might be the one to do it.

As August progresses, Yuuri and Phichit slowly begin to grow together. They start taking their runs together more often than not and they share much of their ice time with Celestino because Phichit is still new and in a whole new country and Celestino wants him to be comfortable. They stretch together after training, sometimes dance together and continue to eat meals together. Yuuri also starts to accept Phichit’s suggestions of doing things other than training together as well. He takes Phichit on a small tour around Detroit and they watch movies together, both in their apartment and at the theater.

“You’ve never seen _The King and the Skater_?” Phichit gasps when the topic of their favorite films comes up. “How is that even possible? You’re a _figure skater_. It’s a travesty you’ve never seen it!”

Yuuri blinks a few times in rapid succession. “I guess I wasn’t big on movies in general growing up?” he shrugs, not really understanding what the big deal is.

“That’s it, we’re marathoning them right now,” Phichit says, already pulling out his laptop. “Come sit over here.”

“Okay…” Yuuri mutters, getting up from his seat in one of the armchairs in their living room, and stepping over to sit next to Phichit on their couch. “’Them?’ There’s more than one?”

“The fourth one is coming to theaters later this year,” Phichit says. “I’m going to get tickets to the midnight showing.”

Yuuri smiles a little. _That’s such a Phichit thing to do_ , he can’t help but think, even though a part of him feels like he has no right to think that. Who is he to think he knows Phichit after only a few weeks? But another part just fills him with warm, protective affection that has him saying, “Could I come too?”

And suddenly, Phichit turns his gaze on him so fast Yuuri’s afraid he’s going to sprain his neck. “Would you?” he asks with shining dark eyes and a grin growing wider by the minute.

“If…if you don’t mind,” Yuuri murmurs, though he can’t help but smile back. Phichit’s enthusiasm is always so catchy to see.

“Of course not! I’d love it if we could go together!” Phichit cheers. “But first, you need to see the movies so far. Here, come closer so you can see.”

Yuuri does, almost to the point where he and Phichit are touching sides, and they marathon all three movies that night. Phichit knows all the songs and sings and hums along, and although the stories are a bit outlandish and melodramatic in some ways, Yuuri finds he likes the movies too. It’s not hard to get sucked into how much Phichit clearly loves them, so much so that Yuuri can’t help but wonder if there is a story there. But he doesn’t quite feel like he’s earned the right to ask just yet.

But before he can get past that thought, Phichit opens his mouth. “ _The King and the Skater_ was the first movie I ever saw,” he says softly. “It changed my life. I’d already been skating a few times at my home rink in Bangkok, but it was after I saw that movie that I really became serious about it.”

Yuuri waits a few moments before speaking, in case Phichit has something to add. But the younger boy stays quiet for now, so Yuuri says, “I started skating because my old ballet teacher encouraged me to try it. She was a fan of it. I already really liked ballet, and I’ve stuck with it through the years too, but…skating was still something completely different,” he pauses to think. “I can’t really explain it in words…”

“It’s okay,” Phichit smiles gently. “You don’t have to. I get it.”

Yuuri smiles a bit back. “Anyway, I made my first friends at the local rink back home, so I guess that kept drawing me back there as well.”

Phichit nods, but his expression slowly melts into something softer, something like longing. “I used to watch these movies all the time with my sisters and my friends,” he says, and his voice is beginning to sound slightly shaky. “I think I drove them a bit insane with how often I wanted to watch them.”

Yuuri watches as Phichit bites down on his lip and the way his dark eyes start to grow a bit brighter in their gleam of the overhead lights, and quickly realizes that he was right, after all. Even someone like Phichit can’t be just sunshine all the time. He does miss home and his friends and family, just like Yuuri does, and seeing that just about breaks Yuuri’s heart. Phichit is just about the last person who should ever be allowed to be sad. So Yuuri does the only thing he can think of to make it at all better, and wraps his arms around Phichit’s torso to try and comfort him.

“Yuuri?” Phichit mutters in the embrace, but doesn’t make a move to express he’s at all uncomfortable. Yuuri takes that as a good sign.

“It’s okay to miss home,” Yuuri says softly, trying to come up with the words he wishes someone would tell him when the homesickness gets at its worst. “But I hope you know you’re not alone here either.”

Phichit sneaks up an arm and wraps it around Yuuri’s own, holding him back. “Thanks, Yuuri. I’m really glad you’re here with me. You’re awesome,” he sniffles, and Yuuri blushes at his words. “Now focus, Arthur is about to do something amazing.”

Everything grows a bit more comfortable between the two of them after that, and Yuuri finds himself growing attached to Phichit almost scarily quickly. They start to get to know each other better too, talking more about their lives and families, about how Yuuri never updates his social media and how Phichit updates his probably all too much. By the time Phichit comes home with a cage of hamsters (“I saw them at the window of a pet store and I couldn’t resist! I mean, just look at their colors! I was hoping they’d bring me – us – good luck! And they’re so cute too! So please, please, please let me keep them!”), Yuuri realizes he’s finally made a friend in Detroit. He smiles a bit bashfully at the thought as he strokes the newly-christened Arthur resting on his palm with one gentle finger.

Having Phichit as his friend makes life a bit more fun for Yuuri, a bit easier. Phichit is fearless in front of challenges and new things, but because Yuuri can’t shut the voice in his head yelling that everything he does has consequences and is a bad idea, he tends to get dragged into everything Phichit wants to see and experience with him, if for no other purpose than to keep his younger friend safer from himself. Yuuri learns very quickly that it’s nearly impossible to keep Phichit from doing what he wants to do. All he can do is try and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself, or at least escapes with only minor injuries. But when Phichit insists they go go-karting, Yuuri also has to think to himself that he never would do half the things he does with Phichit if it was just him.

And although Phichit can get up to crazy adventures and is perhaps a bit too excited about being in a whole new country with no parental supervision – aside from Celestino who is their coach and not their father – he never seems to mind it when Yuuri doesn’t want to go outside either. He respects Yuuri’s boundaries and never steps over the line. Their movie nights quickly become a weekly thing, and sometimes Phichit asks Yuuri to help him with his homework. Phichit is still too young to attend college like Yuuri, and he has private tutors that accommodate his education to his skating career.

Based on this and the fact Phichit is a 16-year-old in a whole new country without seemingly any monetary problems, it’s easy to guess that Yuuri and Phichit come from pretty different backgrounds when it comes to the level of wealth their families have. Yuuri doesn’t mind though, and isn’t bitter, because if anyone deserves to have been born to wealth, it’s Phichit, who never acts cocky about it or holds any of it over Yuuri. Honestly, as much as Phichit talks about his family – his parents, his two older sisters and two younger sisters – he doesn’t talk much in a way that lets Yuuri know how much money they have, other than the fact that his parents are raising five children with seemingly no financial issues. He’s likely trying not to seem arrogant about it or accidentally make Yuuri feel bad, and Yuuri appreciates that. It makes it easier for him to forget about it and let it lie.

It’s with a new friend and roommate that Yuuri’s life becomes settled once more fairly quickly and he finds he can enjoy it a lot more now that he’s not so alone. He keeps training and studying, keeps meeting up with Dr. Honda and growing in feeling better, spends time with Phichit and texts Viktor. It all keeps him quite busy, but still surprisingly happy, right up until the skating season is already about to begin and he gets his assignments for the Grand Prix Series for the year.

_From: Viktor_

_where were u assigned this year? :3_

_From: Me_

_I’m in America and Russia this year._

_From: Me_

_Though you do know you didn’t actually have to ask me that directly? You could just check it online._

_From: Viktor_

_but i wanted to read you say it!! :D._

Yuuri can’t help the soft chuckle that escapes him at that.

_From: Me_

_Where are you this year then?_

_From: Viktor_

_russia & china. well be sharing rostelecom! :D :D._

Yuuri’s heart thrums at that. He’d known of course, having checked Viktor’s assignments right after he found out about his own. He’s been looking forward to seeing him again at the Rostelecom Cup, and it’s so very heartening to know that Viktor has, too. The enormity of his feelings still frightens him, but the affection he feels for Viktor and the happiness he gains out of just getting to talk to him like this is just so much stronger than the fear he has over any of it. It eclipses every other feeling he’s ever known, except perhaps his love for ice skating, so tied as that is to everything he ever has felt towards Viktor. It’s enough to give him the courage and the push to say what is in his heart right that moment.

_From: Me_

_Maybe we can do something together when we’re both in Russia? You could show me around, if you like._

_From: Viktor_

_!!!!_

_From: Viktor_

_yes! absolutely lets do that! ill make plans! :D :D._

Yuuri smiles and types.

_From: Me_

_I look forward to it :)._

Although he doesn’t say more than that, Yuuri misses Viktor terribly at that moment, and aches to see him more than ever. Rostelecom Cup is still months away, and there is miles upon miles of distance between him and Viktor until then. The more he and Viktor talk, the more Yuuri wants to be by his side constantly rather than just sometimes like they are now. He’s becoming so dependent on Viktor, even with Phichit now in his life, and it’s becoming harder and harder for him to imagine a life without him. It’s been less than a year since they met, and yet Yuuri can no longer bear the thought of being without Viktor. He’s grown so complacent, no longer expecting Viktor to leave him at every turn and even sometimes letting his heart get the best of him and have hope for…something. No matter the consequences.

And _that_ is what scares him. Because when Yuuri grows complacent, he grows careless with everything. And he’s just not sure how much longer he’ll be able to maintain some resemblance of control over himself and his emotions.

And what will happen when he loses that control?

…

**phichit+chu**

Detroit Skating Club

[image]

❤ 1,851 likes

**phichit+chu** Guess who’s going to #SkateAmerica for my #seniordebut with my bro and roomie #katsukiyuuri! #soexcited

View all 52 comments 

**hamstersinskates** waah, I’m so excited FOR you! good luck!

**loveonice** I know you’ll do great! <3

**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** omg, my son #katsukiyuuri! do you think you can get him to use his social media accounts a bit more @phichit+chu? maybe get an instagram?

5 days ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caramelcheese/Caramelycheesyarts made me another art, this time of Viktor in his "Turmoil" costume [here](http://caramelycheesyarts.tumblr.com/post/167027078207/viktors-theme-for-this-season-is-turmoil-the)! Thank you so much again!


	5. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back people! :D. Seasonal depression is still kicking me down but I'm doing a little better with my new bright light lamp :). Special thanks for this chapter goes to my new beta-reader three-cheers-for-serendipity. Thanks for your help and hard work!
> 
> Incidentally, today is my country's 100th Independence Day. Happy Independence Day Finland!

Eventually, summer has to come to its end and Yuuri goes back to his regular classes. That means he also has to start balancing skating, and everything that comes with it, with schoolwork and trying to maintain some kind of relationship with the people in his life. At least he now lives with one of those people, which makes things a bit easier, even though he has to cut back on the time to talk to anyone back in Hasetsu.

Unfortunately, suddenly becoming so busy means Yuuri has less and less time to talk to Viktor. They go almost a month without Skyping at all because Yuuri gets so swarmed with everything else that time seems to just fly past him. Whenever he’s not in class, dancing, skating or doing cardio or strength training, he’s usually too tired to do much else except eat and sleep. He even ends up cancelling a few of his appointments with Dr. Honda because he’s almost certain he’d just fall asleep in her office.

Perhaps that’s what gets to him in the end; the fact that he can’t even properly take care of himself for a while. He’s so busy that he’s hardly able to breathe. Even when his body is crying out for rest, he can’t _stop._ He can’t give in to his weaknesses when so much is on the line, when even the smallest mistake could cost him everything, when every minute he can use to train counts. He’s the bronze medalist from last season’s Worlds and yet he’d failed spectacularly at the Grand Prix Series that same season. This season he must do better. He can’t let everyone down again. They’ll all be watching him, more so now than ever before. Not to mention that _Viktor_ will be watching him…

It’s as he spirals further and further down on this path, on a regular afternoon in his and Phichit’s apartment, that Yuuri finds himself having his first panic attack in months. He can’t really put his finger on any kind of specific trigger. It just seems like all of a sudden everything he’s been dealing with comes pouring down on top of him like a waterfall. In moments, he’s shaking on the couch, shivering from the coldness in his body, twitching from the accelerated heartbeat and his thoughts screaming into his ears. _You’ll fail, you’ll fail, you’ll fail, you’ll fail…_

Thankfully, he quickly catches himself, once again realizing that Dr. Honda really has helped him. Even if seeing her hasn’t quite managed to make him stop having these attacks, now he can at least recognize them and do something about the situation once he does. He makes himself take a few deep breaths.

_It’s okay, it’s just a panic attack, you’ve had them before. You’ve always made it through them and you will do so now, too._ He keeps repeating this mantra over in his head, letting it overcome all his negative thoughts until there is no room left for them, maintaining his even breathing all the while.

“Yuuri?” he hears a familiar voice speak, and jumps forcibly from the surprise. Phichit is standing a little way from their front door, not too far from him, wide-eyed, brows furrowed and holding his hands in front of his chest like he doesn’t know what to do with them. Yuuri hadn’t even heard his young friend come in from all the effort he was putting into coming down from his attack. Phichit is looking more nervous and scared than Yuuri’s ever seen him, and the sight immediately throws off his evened breathing patterns. He can’t believe he’s letting Phichit see him like this, to have been the one to put that horrible frightened look on his face. Phichit has enough on his plate to worry about with his upcoming Senior Debut and still getting used to Detroit. He doesn’t need Yuuri’s messes to deal with on top of all that.

“Yuuri? Are you okay?” Phichit asks in a soft tone, gently stepping a bit closer to the couch, though still not sitting down by his side. Of course he wouldn’t. Yuuri’s disgusting and weak and _pathetic_ and now he can’t make it stop, can’t get himself to _breathe_. Shouldn’t he be able to deal with this already? Hasn’t that what Dr. Honda has been putting all that effort into, what Celestino has been paying her to help him make happen? And yet Yuuri can’t make one simple panic attack go away on his own, God, he’s such a _waste_.

“Yuuri, listen, please, breathe with me okay? One, two, three…” Phichit murmurs, quietly now sitting down by him on the couch. “Okay? Please? One, two, three…”And Yuuri takes in another breath, just so he can maybe make that awful look on Phichit’s face go away. “And out, two, three…”

Phichit counts, and starts again, over and over, and Yuuri breathes with him. They continue in this manner until Yuuri’s breathing and heart rate even out once more, and Phichit starts looking slightly less scared.

“Are you okay now?” Phichit asks in a small voice.

“I’m fine,” Yuuri answers, his voice sounding croaky and hoarse even to his own ears. He knows it’s not quite true. He’s exhausted and still barely functioning, but it’s the only answer he can give at a time like this. He still can’t believe he let Phichit see him like that, made him take care of Yuuri like that, when Yuuri should at least be able to handle this much, to at least be able to shield his friend from this ugly part of him.

“It’s okay to say you’re not, if you want to,” Phichit says, and it’s only then that Yuuri notices at some point he had gripped onto Phichit’s hand and has been holding onto it like a lifeline. He’s probably hurting him too, and with that thought quickly loosens his grip. But Phichit keeps gently holding onto his hand so he doesn’t pull it away completely. The touch feels like an anchor, keeping him steady and in place, warm and safe like a lighthouse in a storm.

“…I’m sorry you had to see me like that,” Yuuri mumbles.

“No, no, don’t apologize!” Phichit rushes to say, his voice still sounding a bit more panicked than Yuuri’s ever heard it or would like it to be. “I should be the one who’s sorry! I should’ve remained calmer better. I think I just made everything worse. But I read online that you shouldn’t leave people alone when they’re having panic attacks and that counting and breathing with them might help…”

“You did fine,” Yuuri says, managing a weary smile. But then he pauses, considering Phichit’s words. “Wait. How did you even know what to do about panic attacks?” To his surprise, Phichit’s cheeks turn a bit red, and he averts his eyes, not saying a word. Yuuri waits a few ticks, before a terrible thought comes to mind. “Did…did Celestino tell you about me?”

He can’t believe Celestino would, doesn’t want to believe it or even think about it. He promised he’d keep Yuuri’s secret and he’s always been very proper in his manner. Surely he’d get that this wasn’t information he could just share as he pleased?

“He didn’t! So please don’t be mad at Ciao Ciao!” Phichit begs. “I…I was able to guess that you probably go to see some sort of psychological help just by the fact that you go to regular appointments yet have never specified what they were for. If it was something physical I doubt you would be allowed or able to skate, but if it was something mental…” he trails off for a bit. “But I got that you weren’t ready to talk about it so I just looked up ways to help people with certain mental illnesses in case…well, in case something like this were to ever happen.”

“…There are a lot of mental illnesses though.”

“Yeah,” Phichit admits. “But there have been…theories. About you. Online. It wasn’t that hard to narrow it down.”

That sparks a bit of anger inside Yuuri. “That’s none of their business,” he snaps out. “And why were you looking at that kind of gossip anyway?”

“I haven’t been much, not since I got here anyway!” Phichit insists. “But, before…and now your fans are flocking over to my social media accounts because I actually post stuff about you more often than once in blue moon…”

Yuuri doesn’t know what to say or feel. His head is starting to swim and he feels dizzy. He’s still raw from the attack as it is, and having Phichit see it was already more exposure of his innermost self, the self that he’s so ashamed of, than he would’ve liked. To hear that the rest of the world might be out there speculating about his mental weaknesses too is just…

“I have to go,” Yuuri says and stands up quickly, grabbing his phone, his jacket and his running shoes.

“Where are you going?” Phichit asks. There is a worried undertone to his voice again, but Yuuri can’t bring himself to care. He needs to get away from here.

“Sorry, I just need to be alone right now.”

“Yuuri…” Phichit says, and the sad tone he uses stops Yuuri. He forces himself to turn around, even if the vulnerable, hurt look on Phichit’s face is heartbreaking for him to see. “Be…be safe okay? And I’m…I’m sorry.”

Yuuri just stands there staring for a moment. It still feels like his words are stuck somewhere down his throat and he can’t summon them up, even for Phichit’s sake. So in the end, he just nods and goes on his way.

…

Once he leaves the apartment and gets his shoes on, Yuuri runs as fast as he can for a while. Runs from his thoughts, from his mind, from Phichit. He lets the burning of his lungs and muscles overtake everything else, and doesn’t let himself think about anything until he absolutely needs to stop to catch his breath. He hadn’t warmed up before he started running so he wasn’t able to get as far as he normally would’ve, and he also wasn’t really looking where he was going, just letting his feet guide him.

Now he lets himself look around and take in his surroundings. He’s apparently found his way to a nearby park, and quickly takes a seat on one of the benches by the side of the gravel path. It’s a nice day outside, sunny and relatively warm for mid-autumn. Yuuri watches as a few colorful leaves fall down from the trees around him in a kind of spinning dance until his breathing evens out. It seems to help with the anxiety too, chasing off the rest of his panic attack, to have something relatively mundane and peaceful to focus on.

Unfortunately, getting to a point where it’s possible for him to think once again soon allows the cold fist of guilt wrap around his heart, making it fall into the pit of his stomach like a stone. Phichit didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Yuuri may have needed to get away from that situation to calm down, but he should’ve been kinder about it, more understanding. He should’ve made it clearer he wasn’t angry at Phichit, or disappointed in him. After all, it’s not Phichit’s fault he didn’t know how to deal with Yuuri’s problems or what the right and the wrong things to say were. Yuuri barely knows any of these things himself, and he’s had to live inside his own head for years now.

Perhaps it’s because Yuuri’s in a park and the whole situation pulls out a memory from within him. Perhaps it’s because Yuuri’s now used to telling him everything, and often asking him for advice even in things not related to skating. Perhaps it’s because Yuuri’s come to trust and rely on him enough to be able to ask him for help. Whatever his reasons may be, before he can even think about it, Yuuri has taken out his phone and dialed Viktor’s number.

“Hello?” the familiar voice at the other end of the line speaks, and Yuuri almost wants to cry because that voice is so dear and welcome in his ears, especially at a time like this. “Hello? Yuuri? Is something wrong?”

“I-I’m sorry,” Yuuri stammers, because he’s realizing Viktor sounds kind of groggy and may have been asleep. A quick calculation in his head tells him it’s indeed very early in St. Petersburg. “Were you asleep? I wasn’t thinking, I forgot to think about the time difference, I’ll just-”

“Yuuri,” Viktor says, his voice sounding firmer and more awake now. “It’s all right. The more vital question right now is, are _you_? You don’t normally call me like this.”

Yuuri swallows, sniffs and tries his hardest to hold back the tears burning in his eyes. “I had a panic attack,” he says, hurrying forward before Viktor can cut in. “Phichit saw it. I…I said some things. And then I left.”

Viktor is quiet for a moment, and Yuuri quickly feels icy dread grow in his gut and rain down his back in cold sweats. What if this will be the final straw for Viktor? What if it will finally have Viktor seeing his true colors, that he’s unworthy of Viktor’s time and attention, that he’s just an awful, weak, pathetic human being who can’t even make the one friendship he has in America work out…

But when Viktor finally speaks, all he gently says is, “Are you feeling better now?”

“What?” Yuuri gasps, before catching himself. “Y-yes. I think so.”

“Do you want advice right now?” Viktor asks, maintaining a soft tone to his voice. “Or did you just want to talk?”

“I…” Yuuri starts, still struggling to get his mouth to catch up with his ears and brain. “Both, I guess?”

“All right then,” Viktor says. “What I would suggest is that once we hang up, you ought to send Phichit a message, saying you’re going to clear your head a bit, that you’re not angry and that you’ll talk to him further once you get back. Then go and be alone until you think you can talk without getting worked up over what you need to say.” He pauses. “What does that sound like to you?”

“Really good,” Yuuri breathes out. “I’ll…I’ll do that now. Thank you again.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Viktor says, his voice warm in a way that seems to spread all over Yuuri and cocoon him in safety. “I’m only glad if I could be of any assistance. And that you would ask for my help in the first place. I’m honored, Yuuri, I mean it.”

Yuuri can’t help the blush that spreads across his face. That had happened, hadn’t it?

Unable to find the words to say, he just lets himself laugh a little. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to say.”

“Then say nothing,” Viktor says. “You don’t need to. I merely wanted you to know I was glad, regardless. You should be aware that you can always call me if you need me.”

“Viktor…” Yuuri lets out, his heart beginning to beat a mile a minute in his chest, but this time in a way that is much more pleasant. How can Viktor just say something like that so easily? How can he make Yuuri not feel like a burden in just a few words? “ _Thank you_.”

“Don’t mention it,” he says. “Call me back if you feel you need to. Anytime. I mean it.”

“Okay,” Yuuri says. “Have a good day.”

“You too.”

Yuuri smiles a little, his heart alight with emotion, and hangs up.

…

Yuuri returns to his and Phichit’s apartment several hours later to find Phichit watching a movie on his laptop on their couch. It sounds like _The King and the Skater_ again. His hamsters are crawling all over his torso and shoulders.

“Yuuri!” he says as he looks up, his eyes wide and a bit worried.

“Hey,” Yuuri says, smiling a bit as he steps over to sit with Phichit, who proceeds to shut his laptop and place it on their coffee table. “Sorry…sorry if I made you worry.”

“It’s okay. I get that you needed time to think, and it helped to get that message from you earlier,” Phichit says, but his shoulders look a bit tense still as he hands Yuuri one of the hamsters like a peace offering. “Are…are you okay?”

“I went for a run,” Yuuri says. He pauses for a moment, gently stroking the hamster on his hand to calm himself and to sort out his thoughts. “Afterwards I went to see my therapist,” he admits. “She happened to be available to see me. I haven’t been going to my appointments with her for a while. It…helped, to go now.”

Phichit nods slowly, not taking his eyes off Yuuri’s face. “I’m really sorry if I overstepped…”

“You didn’t,” Yuuri says softly. He pauses a bit again to stroke the hamster, pondering over the words on his tongue. But he’s just been to a session where he promised Dr. Honda to try and be open and honest with Phichit, who was likely to still be worried he’d done something wrong. And Yuuri really doesn’t want him to think that, even if the words on his mind make him feel naked and exposed. “I just…I felt like you, and all those people on the internet I don’t even know, had looked within me, to the parts of me that I hate the most. And I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to see past them, that they’d always cloud the way you saw me from now on…” he pauses again. “And I also felt bad that I scared you, or put more on you to deal with. You don’t deserve that.”

“Yuuri,” Phichit says, and finally breaks out into a small smile. “I’ve suspected you have anxiety for weeks now, even if I only now got to witness what it looks like for myself. Has it changed the way I act around you in your perspective?”

Yuuri stops and thinks it over, tries to go over every angle with this information in mind, tries to look under every corner, reread every expression he remembers, and every gesture Phichit’s made. And yet…

“No,” is all he can say.

“Yuuri, I’ve never thought less of you because you may or may not have a mental illness. I never would,” Phichit says, moving to sit a bit closer to Yuuri and smiling gently. “I always really looked up to you in Juniors, and when I came here I also found out you were nice, and helpful, and cook really good food. To me, everything that is you just makes you Yuuri, including your illness. And I could never look down on Yuuri.”

Yuuri, heart warm from being touched beyond belief and unable to put all he’s feeling into words, just pulls Phichit over into a gentle hug, mindful of the hamsters. His young friend laughs into his shoulder and pats his back cheerfully.

Once they part, Phichit says, “You wanna know a secret?”

“Sure…”

“When I was on my way to here, on the plane, I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry after I landed in Detroit. That I would keep smiling, keep having faith, and keep doing my best until I could prove to everyone I could do it. After all, I chose to come here, so what use was there in crying or missing home?” He smiles softly at Yuuri, his eyes sparkling gently. “But you let me be sad with you when I needed to. And you were there for me when I was upset, and didn’t think less of me for it. That’s why…if you want to, you can be sad with me too, when you need to. Or anxious or whatever else. You’re my friend, Yuuri. You’ve helped me so much since I’ve come here. So let me help you sometimes too, okay?”

“…Okay,” Yuuri nods, smiling back at Phichit. “But you already have helped me a lot too, Phichit. You don’t have to do more than you already do. Just having you here is plenty.”

Phichit laughs then, a bright smile taking over his face and making his teeth shine, and Yuuri smiles a bit wider back, too.

And then, Phichit takes out his phone.  

“Come on, let’s take a selfie!” he says, already angling for a good position of himself and Yuuri in the phone’s camera.

“What? Why?” Yuuri blurts out as Phichit pulls him closer.

“For getting through our first fight as friends and roommates!”

Yuuri snorts. “That was hardly a ‘fight.’”

“Well, call it whatever you will, but I think we’re closer now than we were before! That calls for a selfie!”

Yuuri lets out a short laugh, and lets Phichit take his fill of pictures of the two of them. He may not say it out loud, but he thinks Phichit is right. And he rather believes Phichit can understand that, even if he never speaks the words.

…

**phichit+chu**

Detroit Skating Facility

[image]

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**phichit+chu** We fight sometimes, but we also make up #katsukiyuuri :).

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**hamstersinskates** sorry you fought, but glad you made up :).

**hopesonblades** It’s not always easy to live with a roommate. But it can be worth it too. Take care you two!

3 days ago

…

After the panic attack incident, Yuuri makes sure to give in to his need for breaks, enough to at least make time to meet up with Dr. Honda at regular intervals. This grows to be especially vital as the skating season begins to grow closer and the pressure starts to build more and more. He still works hard, possibly harder than he should, but just having something akin to a support system now in Detroit helps him deal better than he did the season before. Despite the vulnerable feelings having his secret exposed to Phichit gave him at first, he finds it’s easier in the long run to have him know Yuuri’s never really alright, especially since the two of them live together. It’s good not to have to pretend in his own home and around the only friend he has in America.

True to his word, as much as Yuuri tries to find cracks in Phichit’s behavior, he has to agree that Phichit doesn’t treat him any differently than he did before the incident. He still doesn’t act like he thinks Yuuri is weak. He still invites Yuuri to see the sights of Detroit, asks him to help him with his homework or skating, and they keep to their movie nights even if Yuuri tends to fall asleep in the middle of most of them. Life settles back on track for the two of them. They keep on practicing and studying.

After he told Celestino that Phichit also now knows about Yuuri’s mental issues, their coach seems to have taken that as a sign that Phichit needs to be around Yuuri as much and as often as possible. This leads to them sharing even more of their ice time together, but Yuuri honestly doesn’t mind for the most part. Like everything else, Phichit has a way of making skating fun and relaxing. He’s also much better at filming Yuuri’s skating on his phone than Celestino is, so Yuuri starts to leave that up to him more and more, even if it inevitably means a lot of it is going to end up online. He figures that, and filming Phichit in return, work as thank yous for taping the videos in the first place. Yuuri has mostly come to accept the fact that more of his life is going to end up on social media, and that it is just a part of his life now. He mostly tries to just ignore it and Phichit’s habits on the internet in general. Yuuri’s lack of an Instagram account helps with that at least.

Yuuri still sends the videos Phichit films to Viktor to assess. However, he also starts looking them over himself more and more to try and see where he makes the mistake before Viktor can tell him. No matter what Viktor says, Yuuri knows he can’t depend on him to always be there to help him improve, and he needs to find a way to keep growing by himself, too. He makes a bit of a game out of it, trying to beat Viktor in figuring out what he did wrong. He quickly comes to find videos a good and objective way of assessing how he’s doing with his skating; where he’s improved and what still needs work. Yuuri likes that type of honesty. False praise or comfort has always felt so hollow to him, and although criticism helps him improve, he knows he can get stuck on it far too easily. Videos are more neutral, and they honestly help when he can spot where he made a mistake, and knows what to watch out for the next time.

Still, Viktor has certainly made good on his promise to help Yuuri with his quad Salchow, and Yuuri’s been improving steadily with it. It’s becoming more and more consistent with each passing day, alongside his trusted quad-toe. Yuuri adds the new jump readily into his new programs, making them more technically difficult than anything he’s done before, as well as more versatile, but he finds he thrives off the challenge. He is starting to understand why Viktor finds the idea of surprising the audience so thrilling. The thought of getting to show this to Viktor as his thank you for all his help, and to hear what he has to say about his programs, sends Yuuri’s blood singing. It’s what keeps him going even during the harshest of days.

Unfortunately, the fact that Yuuri and Viktor are both working hard on their skating at their respective ends of the world, as well as the constant distance, still make it hard to stay properly in touch. Aside from the videos, the two of them still text several times a week, but they haven’t been able to talk using their actual voices since that unfortunate phone call a few weeks back. It makes the separation all the harder to bear for Yuuri. As important as Phichit is becoming to him, he can’t replace Viktor in Yuuri’s heart or make him stop missing him.

It comes as a huge relief to finally, finally be able to schedule a time for him and Viktor to talk over Skype one Saturday.

“I can’t wait to see your new programs,” Viktor says to him from behind the screen, smiling wide. “I’m so glad we’ll be in Russia together. I don’t think I could stand to wait until the Final!”

Yuuri’s heart skips a beat, and he kind of wants to put his hand on his chest to make sure it doesn’t jump out. “I don’t think you should be so sure I’ll make it to the Final.”

“If you skate like you did at Worlds, I’m quite sure you will. And I wouldn’t be saying that if I didn’t mean it,” Viktor says, a determined gleam shimmering in his eyes, even through the glitching screen, as he looks straight at Yuuri. Yuuri forcefully swallows around his suddenly dry throat. _God_ , is Viktor making it hard to keep his feelings at a platonic level. “You shine the brightest when you get to express what is really in your heart, and based on what you’ve told me about your routines and the videos you have sent me, what you’re doing with your programs for the season is exactly like that. I’m really glad you’ve found the courage to participate more in the process of creating the programs.”

Yuuri’s face is burning in what must be a very obvious blush. It’s always a challenge for him when Viktor just says things like that so easily, especially about _him_. Yuuri may have similar words to offer about Viktor’s own skating, but Yuuri’s just Yuuri, and it’s not like his opinion matters much in the long run when it comes to Viktor or his career. But Viktor is arguably the best male figure skater in the game right now, not to mention both Yuuri’s personal idol and someone he’s come to care for very much, and whose opinion he values. It’s almost enough to make him believe the words, too. Not to mention hearing him speak like that of Yuuri’s skating is still enough to make him wonder how he of all people gets to be this lucky.

He clears his throat, hoping it might steady his voice before he speaks. “How about you? How is your training going? Are you still not willing to tell me what your theme is?”

“The training is going well,” Viktor says, shrugging briefly before his lips twist into a teasing smile. “But you’ll just have to wait and see until you come to Russia to find out what my theme is.”

Yuuri bites his lip as he pouts. “You’ve known mine for ages now.”

“I know, and I’m happy about that, but I want mine to be a surprise!” Viktor’s grin is so bright that it almost looks like his whole face is shining from some type of pure light that seems to surround him, like an angelic aura. He’s so beautiful it’s almost painful to look at him. “All I can say for now is that I, too, am trying to tap into the emotions I’m experiencing, and I hope I can convey that to the audience.”

“You sound like you’re talking to a reporter,” Yuuri says.

Viktor pauses, before pursing his lips and touching them with his index finger in thought. “I suppose I am. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri says. He knows it’s not always easy for Viktor to just be who he is with him, instead of the someone he tries to showcase to the rest of the world. Yuuri can relate to that. It’s not like he wants everyone in the world to know about all of his dark secrets either. All he can ask for is that Viktor tries to be himself, and in return he does his best to do the same.

All these thoughts are making his heart ache. He thought seeing Viktor’s face, even on a laptop screen, might satisfy his longing at least a little bit, but all it seems to have done is make it worse. It just serves to remind him how far away Viktor is, and how it’s still a long time away before they can see each other again in person. He wants to be able to see him and touch him for real so badly. Just talking to him over text messages or Skype is just not cutting it anymore. He bites down on his lip hard and tries not to let his emotions show on his face. Viktor doesn’t deserve to be burdened with them.

“Let’s talk about something else,” Viktor says, breaking Yuuri out of his musings. “How’s school?”

After that, they end up talking for hours about anything and everything. Time seems to fly past both of them before they can even notice it, because it seems like there is just so much to say and express after having communicated only via texting for so long. Everything else seems not to matter when they talk to each other, just fading away to the background and not seeming quite as important as their conversations. Still, eventually, they have to call it quits because Viktor is barely able to keep his eyes open and Yuuri really has get started on at least some of the homework he has for the weekend. 

“I wish we could just keep talking,” Viktor says, even as his eyes keep drooping closed. “I hate time zones.”

“Me too,” Yuuri admits softly. “Get some sleep, okay? We’ll talk later.”

Viktor hesitates for a moment, looking almost as if he wants to argue, but then sighs deeply. “Fine,” he says. “Good night. And good luck on your homework.”

“Good night, Viktor. Sleep well.”

Viktor grants him one last soft smile before logging out of Skype. Yuuri logs out as well and shuts his laptop for good measure, taking in a long, deep breath as he removes his headphones. He’s tired from all the talking and his throat is parched. And yet he still has so much to do, when all he wants is to just play some games and then go to sleep.

But it can’t be helped. The figure skating season is about to start and it wouldn’t do for Yuuri to fall behind with school already before he gets even busier. So he gets up to get a cup of tea for his throat and to refresh himself, and then he’s determined to actually start on his homework.

But then he runs into Phichit in the kitchen, sitting at their table and eating some yoghurt.

“Oh, hi,” Yuuri says as a form of greeting as he reaches for his tin of teas in the upper cupboards and puts the kettle to boil.

“Hey,” Phichit says, and lightly waves. A moment’s silence passes, before he speaks again. “Yuuri, I’ve got a question for you.”

“Okay, sure,” Yuuri says. He doesn’t see the harm in chatting with Phichit while he waits for his kettle to whistle.

“Are you in a long-distance relationship with someone?”

Whatever Yuuri was expecting Phichit to say, it certainly wasn’t that, and the question alone makes him choke on a bit of his own spit in surprise. Phichit seems to realize this and jumps out of his seat to pat him on the back as Yuuri gives a few rather violent coughs.

“Wh—” Yuuri wheezes out once he’s mostly managed to get his breathing under control, already feeling his face heating up in a red flush. “What?!”

“Sorry. I didn’t think you’d have that kind of a reaction,” Phichit says, patting Yuuri on the back a few more times for good measure. “It’s just that I see you constantly texting someone – even I don’t text that much, I think – and I heard you Skyping in your room for a pretty long time just now,” Yuuri opens his mouth to say something, but Phichit holds up a hand. “Don’t worry, I couldn’t really make out what you guys were saying, especially since you probably had headphones on and I couldn’t hear the other person. But just saying, I could tell you were talking in English, so it probably wasn’t anyone from Japan. And if it was someone in Detroit you’d probably go see them in person rather than just Skype with them.”

Yuuri bites his lip. He’d completely forgotten to take into account that he doesn’t live alone anymore when he and Viktor agreed to talk over Skype. Of course Phichit was bound to notice something sooner or later. Yuuri should’ve been more careful, but it was hard enough trying to find a time that would suit both him and Viktor with the time difference and their busy schedules, that he’d failed to think about where his roommate might be just then.

“Yuuri,” Phichit says softly, and as Yuuri turns to face him he can see that his perfectly sculpted brows are now furrowed in worry. He reaches out a hand to gently touch Yuuri’s arm. Yuuri takes some comfort in the warmth of it. “If you don’t want to tell me about it, you don’t have to. I would just like to know what is going on with you, that’s all. You’re my friend, and I’d like it if the two of us could be open and honest with each other.”

Yuuri smiles a little at that, and places his own hand on Phichit’s shoulder in a mimic of his friend’s gesture. “I don’t mind, really,” he says softly. “But it’s not someone I’m dating. It’s just a friend.” But even though he knows that is actually what Viktor is to him, the word feels inadequate and false in his mouth. It feels like a lie and tastes sour on his tongue.

Phichit raises an eyebrow. “What friend, then? Can you tell me more? Are they American? Are they a skater? When did you guys meet? _How_ did you guys meet?”

“Whoa, slow down there,” Yuuri chuckles a little, but quickly turns somber again. “Honestly, I might need to ask him if it’s okay to tell you about him. I’m not sure how much he wants other people to know.”

“Huh. Weird, but okay,” Phichit says. Yuuri can practically see the gears turning in his head, trying to figure out who his mystery friend is and what he might want.

Just then, Yuuri’s tea kettle whistles, distracting both him and Phichit momentarily. Yuuri hurries to take it off the stove, pour the steaming water into a cup and let his tea set in. He does this with his back turned to Phichit and without words passing between the two of them, so Yuuri takes the opportunity to contemplate what to say next. This conversation is making his head spin with too many thoughts and feelings he’s been very careful to avoid so far, and he’s not really interested in having to face them now either. He needs to figure out how to side-step the issue.

“Okay,” Phichit says. “How about this? I’m pretty sure I know who it is already, anyway. If I can guess the person, will you tell me if it’s him?”

Yuuri muses it over. He supposes it might not be difficult to guess, given that his and Viktor’s pictures are obviously all over the internet and Phichit follows social media very eagerly. That should probably work as a hint that Viktor won’t mind if others know, so…

“Okay. If you can guess,” Yuuri says as he puts his teabag away.

Phichit’s eyes take on a rather manic type of glee. “Is it Viktor Nikiforov?”

Yuuri sighs. “Yes. Yes it is.”

“Oh my God! I knew it, I knew it!” Phichit screeches, starting to jump around their kitchen so suddenly that Yuuri nearly drops his cup in surprise. “Holy shit Yuuri! You’re dating Viktor Nikiforov! And you didn’t even tell me! _Me_!”

“I told you, we’re not dating,” he huffs, blowing some of his bangs out of his eyes, even if they just end up returning to where they were in seconds. He should start thinking about getting a haircut. “We just met at the NHK Trophy last year and we’ve been texting on and off since then,” he insists. “We’re…friends, like I said.”

“You don’t sound so sure about that,” Phichit says, his eyebrows never lowering and the manic gleam in his eyes never wavering. “And isn’t this the guy you’ve idolized since you were little? The one who you talk about in basically every interview anyone manages to get out of you? The one you have dozens of posters of on your room walls?”

“Yeah, but…but it’s not like that anymore. Viktor is so much more than that.”

“Oh, he’s _more than that_ , now, is he?” Phichit says slyly.

Yuuri blushes. “I didn’t mean it like that!” he screeches. “I just mean…he’s not just an idol on my wall anymore. He’s a real person with real feelings and thoughts, and he’s kind and considerate and he loves his dog more than anything. He gives really good advice on skating, too, and he’s so supportive. He…he makes me feel like I can actually accomplish something.”

Phichit doesn’t say anything for a moment, mouth falling slightly agape. He just stares at Yuuri, eyes wide open, without blinking for so long that Yuuri actually starts to grow a little worried.

Then, finally, Phichit’s lips turn up into a smile. “Wow. I knew you had it bad, but man…that’s really, _really_ bad Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s head is starting to swim again, and the tips of his ears are tingling with blood. His heart is beating a mile a minute, and his hands are starting to get clammy. He turns his eyes away from Phichit, unable to take in his manic excitement any longer. “I really don’t. He’s just a really good friend to me. Before you moved here, I didn’t really have anyone, and it was…it was nice to have someone to talk to, even if he was so far away.” He clenches the material of his sweatpants in his fists, biting the insides of his mouth to be able to force out his next words. “Besides, he would never date me anyway. I’m sure you know that Yakov could break off their contract for that.”

“Yuuri, I gotta tell you, if that’s the only reason you can come up with for why you’re not dating…”

“It’s not,” Yuuri says firmly. He doesn’t elaborate, because Phichit hates it when he says things that even imply he’s not good enough, even if he isn’t. He never will be. Especially not for Viktor, who only deserves the best. “Trust me, being friends is all Viktor and I are ever going to be.”

Phichit blinks a few times, still staring, before he seems to give in and just shrugs. “If you say so,” he says. “Now, tell me a bit more about what Viktor’s been teaching you about skating. I want in on that action. And while you’re at it, tell me the deets on how you two got where you are now.”

Yuuri doesn’t get any of his homework done that day because he and Phichit end up talking well into the night. Phichit is endlessly curious about Viktor, and Yuuri likes talking about him, so it naturally ends up being a very long conversation.

Before he goes to sleep that night, Yuuri sends off one last text message to Viktor.

_From: Me_

_Phichit was asking who I’ve been Skyping with. I ended up telling him the truth, since he pretty much already knew from social media. I hope that’s okay?_

Afterwards, though, he’s so exhausted from all the talking that his mind is completely blank and he falls asleep very quickly, thankfully not overridden with any more haunting thoughts.

When he wakes up the next morning, even as he’s slightly groggy he immediately grabs his phone to see if Viktor has replied yet. He has, and Yuuri opens it quickly.  

_From: Viktor_

_i didnt realize we were keeping this a secret! :O. like u said, im pretty sure everyone already knows were friendly from paris! but yea, it was cmpltly fine to tell him! ive told everyone i know! :D._

Yuuri’s heart grows warm at Viktor’s words. He takes a few moments for himself to just marvel at them, allowing everything he feels for Viktor to course through him like air. Viktor is so wonderful. And he’s actually _proud_ to be Yuuri’s friend. How could Yuuri not lo-

He quickly shakes his head, curling into a small, tight ball on his side, as if that will make his feelings easier to contain. He’s not going to go there. Not now, not ever. He’ll keep it all buried deep within him and never say those words out loud to anyone, not even himself.

Even if it doesn’t stop him from feeling them regardless.

…

For the most part, nothing really changes much even after Yuuri has told Phichit about him and Viktor. They maintain their normal routines pretty much as they always have. They’re both working hard to perfect their programs for Skate America, Phichit with growing excitement for his Senior Debut, and Yuuri with growing nerves he does his best to shake off by getting his programs as close to perfect as they can get. Still, in his prouder moments, he finds he’s growing cautiously hopeful for what he may accomplish with these routines this season. He can’t deny they’re coming along rather nicely.

The only thing that has really changed is that Phichit still keeps occasionally teasing him about Viktor, which Yuuri is quite determined to just ignore altogether, along with any implications Phichit may have about the nature of his relationship with Viktor. He refuses to think about it. But, honestly, with the way things are, he usually doesn’t even have the time or the strength to think about it. That is one of the good things that comes with having a busy life. Yuuri has still been making sure to go to his sessions with Dr. Honda after the latest incident, but currently he’s just glad that for the moment his brain seems to mostly be shutting up and letting him be, while he just courses through life.

As busy as he is, time passes Yuuri by faster than he even realizes. Before he knows it, it’s time for the Grand Prix Series to begin, and for him and Phichit to start packing their things for Skate America.

“Don’t think I’m going to hold anything back just because we’re friends,” Yuuri teases gently as the two of them are moving their packed bags into the living room for the journey the next morning. As the words leave his mouth, he’s almost surprised that he’s comfortable enough with Phichit already to say something like that, when they’ve only known each other for a few months. It usually takes much longer for Yuuri to get comfortable with people. But Phichit and him just apparently click together really well after the initial awkwardness. Their differing personalities actually work in the favor of both of them, balancing each other out in just the right ways, but they also have enough common interests to be on rather similar wavelengths.

Not to mention the fact that for all the time they’ve known each other, they’ve kind of been living in each other’s pockets, sharing an apartment and usually sharing their training, too. Yuuri isn’t sure if he’s ever actually spent this much time with another human being. He’s never wanted to impose with his presence to a degree that it might grow to be unwelcome to other people. But Phichit and Viktor are both similar in that they are open and honest about how much they evidently enjoy being Yuuri’s friends, and continuously seek him out enough to convince even him. It all has worked to making it easy for Yuuri to allow himself to care for them as much as he does, too.

“I’d be disappointed if you did,” Phichit grins. But then, his face grows more serious, and he seems to pull himself to his full height, his eyes blazing with resolve and conviction, his back straight as an arrow and his shoulders hunched.  He comes over to Yuuri in a few long and determined strides. “I actually think we maybe should talk about that a bit. Yuuri,” he says, tone deep and thoughtful. “Can we make a pact? That no matter what happens, no matter how often we compete against each other, no matter who wins or loses, we will never resent each other for it? That we’ll keep cheering each other on and helping each other improve, no matter what? That we won’t let skating come between us?”

Yuuri blinks. He’s never even considered such a thought. “I would never let it come between us. It’s what brought us together.”

Phichit offers him a small smile at that, but his eyes are still gleaming with that conviction as he holds out a hand between them. “Shake on it? And that we also will never go easy on each other over our friendship? I don’t want to win just because you weren’t giving it all you had.”

Yuuri grabs Phichit’s warm hand into his own, and squeezes it in agreement. “I won’t go easy on you. And don’t you dare go easy on me either.”

They exchange a few more meaningful and deep glances, but soon enough it gets to be too much, and they just start laughing. And Yuuri can’t help but think that this is why he and Phichit are friends. This sort of silent understanding, the easy words, the support and the laughter.

Early next morning he and Phichit haul their things into Celestino’s car and drive off to the airport to get to Skate America in Colorado Springs.

“Are you nervous?” Yuuri whispers over to Phichit after Celestino has fallen asleep and is snoring in the window seat of the plane.

Phichit grins. “A little I guess. But I’m more excited than nervous, I think.”

Yuuri nods. They are quiet for a moment, before he speaks again, “It’s okay to be nervous, you know,” he says softly. “I was, when it was my Senior Debut, and I was older than you are now.”

Phichit may not be the youngest skater ever to move to the Seniors at 16, but he’s still quite young. Phichit hasn’t said it in so many words, but Yuuri has been able to read from between the lines that there is probably similar pressure on Phichit as the representative skater of Thailand as there is on Yuuri from Japan, except possibly even more so. In Thailand, figure skating is still a very niche sport, and for them to have a young athlete like Phichit gain international status is vitally important for their national pride. Yuuri can’t help but wonder if Phichit would’ve liked to wait a year or two longer before his transfer from Juniors like Yuuri himself had done. But it doesn’t feel right to ask, especially not right now.

Phichit’s grin softens a bit into a small smile. “Thanks for saying that Yuuri,” he says. “It helps to know I’m not alone in this.”

“You’re not,” Yuuri affirms. “And I know you’ll be great.”

“Of course I will!” Phichit cheers, gently nudging Yuuri in the shoulder with his fist. “And you will be too.” Yuuri smiles a bit too, nodding just a little. “Now, I think I’m gonna join Ciao Ciao and take a nap.”

Yuuri chuckles. “I think I will, too. There’s still a few hours left to go before we get there.”

The two of them end up sleeping most of the rest of the journey.

…

After they arrive at Skate America and settle in at the hotel, Phichit announces he’s going to meet up with a friend from Juniors for dinner, who’s coming to watch the event since he trains in Colorado Springs. Yuuri decides to tag along since he would rather not be alone with his thoughts right now and because he, too, vaguely recognizes the name of the boy: Leo de la Iglesia.

Leo turns out to be gangly and skinny in that way teenage boys tend to be, not quite grown into his proper proportions yet. But he’s got a friendly smile and he greets Phichit with a fistbump and a hug. As they smile at each other it feels like the atmosphere is filled with so much cheer, joy and brightness that Yuuri’s a little blindsided for a moment.

“Leo, have you two met? This is Katsuki Yuuri,” Phichit gestures over to Yuuri, who suddenly feels cold sweats run down his neck as Leo’s bright brown eyes turn to him and seem to grow in size. “Yuuri, this is Leo de la Iglesia, representing USA in the Junior Division.”

“H-hi!” Leo squeaks suddenly, his brown cheeks turning a bit pink. He looks oddly tense for someone who was so relaxed just moments before. “I-I’m Leo!”

“Nice to meet you,” Yuuri says, and somewhat awkwardly offers his hand for the boy to shake. Although he doesn’t really get why Leo’s so stuttery out of the blue, in a strange way it puts him more at ease to know he’s not the only one feeling a bit nervous. From the corner of his eye, he can vaguely spot Phichit snapping picture after picture on his phone of the whole thing, and swallows a snort.

Leo hesitates a moment, just staring at Yuuri’s hand, but eventually clasps it with his own. The hand trembles a little in Yuuri’s, but it’s warm to hold and his grip is firm, and Leo returns the smile Yuuri gives him.

As the three of them head off to dinner, Leo thankfully seems to lose some of his strange behavior and nervousness. Phichit’s presence appears to help put him more at ease, and in general works as a glue holding their small group together, drawing both Leo and Yuuri into conversations together and guiding the situation to more pleasant territories. Soon enough, Yuuri finds himself politely discussing Leo’s skating career and ambitions with him.

“I’m probably not going to Seniors yet next year, even though I’ll be old enough by then,” Leo tells him. “I’m still not very good at jumps, so I’m not sure how well I’d manage there.”

“That’s why I put off my Senior Debut for a while too. I wanted more time to improve and grow before I made the transfer,” Yuuri agrees.

“Is it really hard, in the Seniors?” Leo asks, a bit breathless. “I watched you get bronze at Worlds last season, and it was amazing! But still…”

Yuuri blushes a little, and tries to ignore the bit about his medal. “It is different from Juniors, at least,” Yuuri says, taking a sip of his water. “There is perhaps less competition when it comes to sheer numbers, but it’s all the fiercer for it. There are some really talented people in the Senior Division. It takes a lot of dedication, a lot of work and commitment. You have to really want it, I think, to make it.” His mind flashes back to the long hours of training, both for Worlds and for this event, and all that has changed for him since his Debut. “Taking risks is not a bad idea either.”

Leo’s face takes on a grayish hue and he frowns down at his plate. “That sounds...tough.”

Yuuri blinks, sitting up straight in a panicked hurry. “A-ah, I’m sorry,” he rushes to say, wildly waving his hands around, as if he can vanquish Leo’s worries from the air with them. “I-I didn’t mean it like that, I-”

“Yuuri, deep breaths,” Phichit grins from beside him. “It’s okay. I’m sure Leo’s under no delusion of what’s to come.”

Yuuri looks over at Leo, whose color has returned a bit in the form of pink dusting his cheeks, and who now smiles at him and shrugs his shoulders. “Like I said, I do keep up with what’s going on in the Senior Division. It’s good to get an idea of what to expect later.” He blinks suddenly, pursing his lips and touching them in thought, as if something just occurred to him. “Say, Yuuri...is it true you know Viktor Nikiforov?”

Yuuri, who was just sipping at his water again, suddenly finds the liquid going into the wrong pipe, and has to cough violently for a few moments to be able to breathe again. That seems to be happening a lot lately when someone mentions Viktor to him, he can’t help but think. And just like last time, Phichit pats his back to help him clear his lungs, putting perhaps a bit too much force into it this time around.  

“Sorry, I didn’t mean…” Leo mumbles, blushing again.

“I-it’s okay…” Yuuri wheezes out, bringing a few pieces of food to his mouth to try and make his throat feel more normal once more. “I just…I wasn’t expecting that.”

“You don’t have to tell me if it’s personal or something,” Leo hurries to reassure him. “It’s just that the pictures of you two in Paris during Worlds went viral, and people have been speculating about the nature of your relationship ever since. Viktor hasn’t answered anything when asked. He usually just sends out really vague emojis.”

Yuuri’s been avoiding most of social media for the past few months, determined to at least not read any comments on any of Viktor’s posts that he sees, so the knowledge of that comes as a surprise. He’s a bit annoyed that people on the internet are still speculating about his personal life, but at the same time the thought that Viktor refuses to speak about the matter to strangers online without Yuuri’s permission makes him feel warm inside, and rather fluttery in the chest, and he has to swallow around his suddenly dry throat.

“Well…” Yuuri murmurs, running his fork through the remaining food on his plate just to have something to do with his hands. “Don’t post this anywhere, but...yeah. We do know each other. We’re...friends.”

The word still tastes weird in his mouth, and not in a good way. Yuuri sips his water again to make it go away.

Leo doesn’t seem to notice this, however, as his eyes grow wide once more, and then he’s suddenly leaning over the table to be right in Yuuri’s personal space, almost nose-to-nose with him.  “Really?! Really, really?! What’s he like? Is he as nice in real life as he seems in interviews? What do you guys talk about? Are you going to see him at the Rostelecom Cup?”

“Leo!” Phichit scolds, but his tone is filtered with laughter. “Slow down there, buddy.”

Leo’s cheeks turn red, and he hunches in on himself with embarrassment as he sits back down. “Sorry. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, Yuuri. I’m just curious.”

“It’s...it’s fine,” Yuuri mumbles. A few years ago, if he had been in Leo’s shoes, he would’ve been curious too, though he probably wouldn’t have admitted it so openly. After all, isn’t it every kid’s dream to know their idol? Given Viktor’s success, there is no shortage of younger skaters who admire him just like Yuuri does. Like Leo does. “He’s very nice. We talk about a lot of things, but skating comes up a lot since it’s a big part of both of our lives. We mostly text, but we also Skype sometimes when we can find the time.” He pauses. “And yes, we’ve made plans to see each other in Russia.”

Leo’s face is stunned, blinking rapidly in wonder a few times, his eyes shining with amazement as if Yuuri has just revealed a gold mine right in front of him. “Wow…”

“Yuuri also has a giant crush on him,” Phichit puts in, like it’s nothing.

“Phichit!” Yuuri cries, immediately feeling his face start heating up. And then he realizes he was probably a bit too loud in a public restaurant, because the other people in the room seem to grow quiet momentarily, and he kind of wants to bury himself under the table. As it is though, all he can do is try and make himself as small as possible and try and save some face by saying, “I don’t have a crush on him.”

“Oh please,” Phichit says. “Every time he texts you, you get this really specific happy look on your face, like he’s just made your entire day. I’ve seen the looks you give to other people’s texts and they’re nowhere near like that.”

“That’s just because every time I get a text from home, I worry something has happened. With Viktor, it’s usually nothing serious, so I don’t worry as much.”

“Keep telling yourself that, but lemme tell you Yuuri, the sooner you just let yourself be free about your emotions, the sooner you’ll start to feel much better,” Phichit says, and actually looks rather sincere and concerned as he does. “It can’t be fun to be that deep in denial.”

Yuuri doesn’t answer, averting his eyes and pushing any thoughts and feelings that might be cropping up down, down, down. Thankfully, Leo quickly takes over the conversation, directing it away from anything Yuuri may or may not feel for Viktor, to just talking more about Viktor in general. Yuuri doesn’t mind that though, because he still honestly likes talking about Viktor to others, especially someone as excited to talk about him as Yuuri is. He and Leo discuss their favorite Viktor Programs, what they’re expecting from him this season, and how what he comes up with might measure up to what he’s done before. Apparently Leo wants to create his own choreography for his programs someday just like Viktor. Phichit joins in on the talk as well, though he’s not as much of a Viktor fan as Yuuri and Leo are. Still, the conversation stays mostly on figure skating for the rest of the night, until it’s time for all of them to head back to the hotel to get some rest for tomorrow.

This proves to be a fruitless effort, because even once Yuuri has settled down in his bed, he can’t fall asleep. Phichit is snoring softly in his own bed beside his, but now that Yuuri’s allowed the time to properly think again, he can’t help but replay the conversation from before over and over in his mind, turning it this way and that. He’s actually not thinking about Viktor or how he might feel about him, but rather about tomorrow and what it might mean for him. He can’t stop going over every skater he’ll be going up against, and what their and his own strengths and weaknesses are.

His thoughts also inevitably return to last year and how miserably he failed at the Grand Prix Series. He now has all the tools that he might need to help him be and do better, but what if it won’t happen in either case? What if all his weaknesses really have been just an excuse after all? What if it’s just down to him that he can’t succeed, can’t rise to his competitors’ level? What if he lets everyone down again?

What if he lets _Viktor_ , who has helped him so much, down?

Thankfully, this time he quickly manages to catch himself as he starts to spiral. He’s talked about all this with Dr. Honda; he knows what he needs to do. He has his sleeping pills, too, if he needs them, but the most important thing right now is just to try and take his mind off all the negative thoughts and not linger on them. He mustn’t get any more worked up than this. He needs a distraction.

He glances over at Phichit’s bed. He can’t wake up his friend. Tomorrow is his Senior Debut, and it’s not fair on him if Yuuri were to disturb his rest during such a crucial time. The same goes for Celestino, who is sleeping in his own bed in the next room, and Yuuri would feel weird going to him anyway…

Then it hits him. It’s night here, but it’s already morning in St. Petersburg and Viktor will probably be awake.

He grabs his phone from his nightstand and opens the text conversation with Viktor. He probably can’t call him, since he doesn’t know what Viktor is doing, and he’d have to leave the room anyway to not bother Phichit, but maybe even texting him will be a sufficient distraction.

_From: Me_

_I can’t sleep. Can you talk to me?_

It takes a few moments of Yuuri’s heart erratically beating in his chest, but Viktor answers.

_From: Viktor_

_whats wrong? u nervous? :(_

_From: Me_

_Yeah, I guess. I keep thinking about the competition. This is not unusual for me, but...I guess I’d hoped it’d be different this time. Easier._

_From: Viktor_

_have u tried anything ur therapist has suggested?_

_From: Me_

_This is actually me doing it. I need to get my mind off things._

_From: Viktor_

_ok, what can i do to help?_

_From: Me_

_Just...talk to me about something other than the competition. Help me think about something else._

_From: Viktor_

_ok, how abt stories abt makkachin?_

_From: Me_

_That sounds perfect._

Then, as Viktor is typing, Yuuri remembers his earlier thought.

_From: Me_

_Do you have the time to be doing this right now? I’m sorry if I’m bothering you._

God, he should’ve thought this through. It’s not like Viktor can constantly be at his beck and call. He has his own competitions to think about, he can’t be wasting time like this with Yuuri…

_From: Viktor_

_im just at home. i hv the day off. im actually rlly bored. ure doin me a favor!_

Yuuri finds himself smiling at the exclamation mark at the end, which seems to bring up more of that warm fluttery feeling in his chest. It feels like a load off his shoulders, knowing he has someone who is able and willing to talk to him just to help distract him. 

His phone buzzes with a message. It turns out to be a photo Viktor has sent him of Makkachin when she was just a tiny puppy, not much bigger than Vicchan is now. Makkachin is sleeping in a small dog bed in the picture. Not long after, his phone buzzes with a second picture, this time of a grown-up Makkachin. Seeing it makes it a bit hard for Yuuri to hold back a very loud coo, because it appears she’s lying on the exact same little dog bed she had as a puppy, but now that she’s grown to her natural size she’s more laying across it than in it.

_From: Me_

_??? :D_

_From: Viktor_

_isnt she adorable?? she grew up really fast, i dont think she realized it herself. or mb she was in denial?_

The night continues on much like that, with Viktor sending Yuuri cute pictures of his poodle and telling him stories about her. Yuuri also sends back pictures he has of Vicchan, and shares some of his childhood stories that he hasn’t told Viktor yet, mostly involving the dog. Yuuri can’t tell how long it all lasts. All he knows is that he slowly begins to grow more and more tired, his eyelids starting to feel heavier and heavier, and the next thing he knows his phone is beeping at him from his chest and telling him it’s time to wake up. Yuuri almost laughs in relief and disbelief. He actually managed to sleep during the night, even without sleeping pills. Viktor managed to distract him enough. _  
_

He absentmindedly watches as Phichit gets up and sleepily makes his way over to the bathroom, before taking the opportunity to check his messages as he waits for his own turn.

_From: Viktor_

_and thats how i convinced yakov to let makkachin come to practice with me every other day at least._

_From: Viktor_

_...yuuri? are u there?_

_From: Viktor_

_i guess u fell asleep after all! sleep well!_

Yuuri types a reply.

_From: Me_

_Thanks for last night. You have no idea how much you helped me. I was able to sleep._

Viktor answers quickly. It’s still daytime in Russia after all.

_From: Viktor_

_no prob!! glad i could help! :D:D:D_

_From: Viktor_

_u want one last piece of advice before the competition?_

_From: Me_

_Sure._

_From: Viktor_

_if u can, try and ignore everyone. the audience, the other competitors, even ur coach to a degree. once u r out there, its just u and the ice. so skate for urself and the ice beneath u. skate in a way that makes u happy. satisfied._

_From: Viktor_

_skate the way u can honestly say u liked the best. so ull know u couldnt have done any better._

Warmth spreads through Yuuri at the words, and with them, almost surprisingly, conviction and faith. Knowing Viktor believes in him and trusts his judgement, is enough to chase away the rest of his haunting thoughts. He sends off a quick reply, knowing he doesn’t have much time.

_From: Me_

_Okay._

_From: Viktor_

_break a leg. i believe in you._

And just then, Phichit steps out of the bathroom and it’s Yuuri’s turn to get ready for the day.

…

**phichit+chu**

DoubleTree Hotel

[image]

❤ 982 likes

**phichit+chu** Looks like someone’s a bit star-struck by the #ParisWorlds bronze medalist ;). @leo.d.l.ig #katsukiyuuri #SkateAmerica #MySeniorDebut #socute

View all 22 comments 

**leo.d.l.ig** send me the rest of the pics please!

**lionsroar** @leo.d.l.ig ur so cute!

**goldenyuuri** that would be me, too, if i ever met yuuri <3.

**hamstersinskates** good luck in your senior debut Phichit!

**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** you do god’s work for us yuuri fans, phichit. good luck to you both tomorrow!

2 days ago

...

Because Yuuri actually managed to get some sleep last night, he’s able to keep his strength up and do well in the last minute practice. Phichit sharing the competition with him also helps him more than ever, because now that he’s awake he works well as a distraction from all the pressing things, and even manages to pull Yuuri into goofing off a little and taking selfies everywhere. He’s posting them all online with tags like #MySeniorDebut and #PodiumPals. Yuuri’s somewhat mortified by Phichit’s sheer confidence in both of them before they’ve even competed, but he also kind of admires that sort of attitude. Phichit never gives up no matter what, never seems to have his faith shaken even when he stumbles or gets nervous. Yuuri wishes more than anything he could borrow some of Phichit’s positive energy for himself on occasions like this.

Sooner than Yuuri might like, it’s time for the short programs to start. Phichit will go before him, so Yuuri can watch him skate on the screen backstage before it’s his turn. Although Phichit is now technically his rival, Yuuri doesn’t get nervous from watching him. Phichit is just as entertaining before an audience as he is in practice, if not more. He clearly thrives off the attention, and Yuuri’s proud to witness how far he’s already come over the season. Phichit’s theme for this season is, fittingly, “Attention.” It’s supposed to reflect how he wants everyone’s eyes on him, how everyone better watch out for him, because he has great things to show. His short program today is made to capture the audience’s attention. The free program will reflect catching the eyes of his new rivals in the Senior Division; to keep them on their toes for Phichit.

The music for Phichit’s short program is happy, loud and preppy, and his costume equally so with its bright purples and pinks. If done wrong, this program and that costume might seem ridiculous, but just like everything else, Phichit’s made them his own. He moves fast and showy to the music, taking advantage of his own special style in the step sequences, giving off the impression of a young star in Hollywood just beginning to gain a name. He falls and fumbles on his jumps here and there, but it doesn’t seem to faze him. He’s completely in the program. Though he’s performing for an audience, it’s also clear to Yuuri that more than anything, Phichit’s performing for himself.

This is what Viktor meant with his words. And Yuuri, as he looks at his friend skating, making his dreams and ambitions come true, is more determined than ever. He will skate like that too. He will show his message off to the world.

Phichit finishes his program, and Yuuri focuses on continuing his warm-up before it’s his turn. It’s best if he doesn’t watch the other skaters. It’ll only make him overthink things again. He needs to remember what he must do. It’s just him and the ice. Him and his performance.

Soon enough it’s his turn to skate, Yuuri makes his way to the center of the rink to begin his program. As the music starts, he lets himself be consumed by it, by the ice around him. Everything else fades away, irrelevant and unimportant. When he strikes his final pose, Yuuri can hardly even remember what he just did, but at least the audience is cheering and throwing flowers and plushies onto the ice. He can’t have done too badly.

Celestino pulls him into a huge hug when Yuuri steps off the ice, congratulating him heartily. Yuuri can barely hear him. His head is still filled with the music as they make their way to the Kiss & Cry. It’s not until he gets his scores that Yuuri starts to feel a bit more awake.

He’s in first place.

And, to his shock, that’s where he remains even after all the rest of the skaters are done with their short programs. Phichit jumps to hug him when they find out, cheering for both Yuuri and himself, currently in fourth place.

That night at the hotel, after a quick but fancy dinner with Celestino and Phichit, Yuuri texts Viktor again.

_From: Me_

_Thanks for the tip. It really helped._

_From: Viktor_

_:D:D:D. i figured it might. u r at ur best when u just skate. when u dont care who sees._

_From: Viktor_

_u were magnificent today. keep it up._

And Yuuri, for some reason, finds it in himself to answer,

_From: Me_

_I will._

And he does, when a few days later, he wins Skate America. Phichit gets a respectable bronze, and they take dozens of selfies on the podium together. Phichit tags then all with #PodiumPals, and Yuuri laughs and cries until his face starts hurting. He’s on his way.

…

Phichit Chulanont @phichit+chu · 1 h

[image] [image] [image] [image] [image]

My first #SeniorDivision medal! Congrats also to my buddy @y-katsuki for the gold! I’ll get you next time! #MySeniorDebut #PodiumPals

 

Hamsters on Ice @hamsterskates · 53 m

Wow! Congratulations to both of you @phichit+chu @y-katsuki! #SkateAmerica

 

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 50 m

waaah, my son got gold! finally the world is right again! i believe in you yuuri-chan! make it to the final! #SkateAmerica #goldforkatsuki

 

Sweet Ice @icescream · 45 m

I can’t wait to see how far you both can go this season! #SkateAmerica

 

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 42 m

I can’t wait to see @y-katsuki face up against @v-nikiforov again. I hope it’ll happen in the Final ;). #IdolOrRival #PodiumBaes #Victuuri

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 40 m

Oh yeah, me neither @quadflipped ;). #Victuuri

 

North Pole @poleofice · 37 m

@quadflipped @knifeshoes ok u srsly need to stop that before some1 gets in trouble.

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 33 m

Oh take a chill pill @poleofice. It’s not like Yakov reads Twitter comments or something. #Victuuri (1/2).

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 32 m

And I’d like to think he would need more than rumors to break off contracts with his skaters (2/2).

 

Imaginations Wild @speechoffreedom · 30 m

ye, theyre not hurtin anyone jus chill bro. #Victuuri #PodiumBaes

 

Squeak @tinybeings · 25 m

WTH, I just came here to see my boi Phichit not some debate over other people. Geezus. #SkateAmerica #StayInYourLane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Yuuri! :D.
> 
> Anyway, I'm thinking about maybe moving the posting date of this fic to Saturdays instead of Wednesdays. How would you guys feel about that?
> 
> Next up is another Viktor chapter, and one of my personal favorites ;).


	6. Viktor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays to everyone who celebrates them! Please take this extra long chapter as an early present from me, and don't be too harsh if you see any typos and stuff. My beta-reader wasn't available for this one and I've been busy and exhausted with the season to be extra diligent.
> 
> As you can see, I've moved the posting date to Saturdays from now on. Also, I'm gonna try but I can't promise the next chapter will be up in two weeks. I want to take some time off during the holidays so I don't run myself to the ground. I wanna relax, spend some time with my family and watch TV.
> 
> Please enjoy! ;).

If Viktor were to ask someone if they’ve noticed anything different about him lately, they would likely say no, aside from perhaps the fact he’s been mentioning a new friend to them here and there. No one’s ever known him so intimately as to be able to see the changes now from the way he was before. He still goes through life much as he did before: skating, everything related to skating, and taking care of his dog. He works as hard as he ever has before, with no visible changes to be detected. He’s never let anyone witness how empty he used to feel before, after al. It would only be if one could see within Viktor that they might perceive the changes.

Inside, Viktor feels as though nothing is the same as before. The cold and the gray that seemed to be seeped into his very bones like a never-ending autumn rainstorm have been replaced by sunshine and warmth and _fire_ within him. He no longer skates merely because it’s expected of him and because he’s used to it, but because he _wants_ to. Skating finally feels thrilling again, and every day Viktor wakes up to new challenges that bring with them new surprises as well. He can barely remember when he last felt like this. So alive, so...awake.

Is it any wonder he chose that as his theme for the season? “Awoken;” the story of how he’s been asleep for years now, merely a sleepwalking zombie imitating what he once used to be, and how he’s finally been woken up by a handsome prince. Grayness has become replaced with color, food no longer tastes like ashes on his tongue, and there is an electric hum beneath his skin taking him forward in life. The world seems like such a different place now, so full of beauty and life. And yet Viktor knows the world hasn’t changed; it’s him who is different and seeing everything with fresh eyes. He’s finally able to look at everything around himself and enjoy what he sees and experiences.

His world is no longer empty and cold, gleaming to the point of being stale and causing him nothing pain. It’s so much larger now, and even when he steps into the rink, he brings all of his extended world with him to the ice and the way he moves across it. Everything Viktor know sees and feels, he pours into his skating and his new routines. He will show the beauty he sees in the world to everyone watching him skate. He will show everyone everything Yuuri has given him.

That’s really the only problem. As much as Viktor wants to keep his theme and programs a surprise, he’s starting to think he should maybe have given more thought to his resolution to not tell Yuuri anything about them. Although he’s excited for Yuuri to see for himself how much Viktor has changed and grown thanks to him, he also really just longs to talk to Yuuri about his skating properly as soon as possible. Yuuri has shared so much about his new programs and Viktor aches to be able to reciprocate.

In general, he just aches for Yuuri. He aches to see him and to talk to him. Rostelecom Cup feels so very far away, and Viktor is counting days until it will take place. He naturally watched the livestream for Skate America in order to show his support to Yuuri, and almost was unable to believe his eyes. Watching Yuuri made his heart squeeze with so much emotion that he almost wished to cry. Yuuri shone like a star on the ice, and Viktor had never found him more beautiful. He was so clearly able to see everything Yuuri had talked to him about in their texts and the videos he’d sent to him come together in beautiful perfection, Yuuri baring his very soul out on the ice. The only downside was how much more it made Viktor long to see him skate in person once more, and to get to show Yuuri his own skating in return. He couldn’t imagine a better gift to thank Yuuri for all he’d given Viktor.  

Thankfully, Rostelecom Cup isn’t far away now. In just a few days, Yuuri will land in St. Petersburg, and Viktor will get to see him and show him around in his hometown. Viktor goes to sleep every night, heart light with joy as he lets this thought guide him to the land of dreams with Makkachin by his side.

For now, however, he keeps texting Yuuri, and putting in last minute practice. He may not be able to train as hard as normally so he won’t overtire himself right before the competition, but he can’t quite make himself stay away from the ice either. There just isn’t much else for him to busy himself with as he waits for the day Yuuri will arrive, and he’s additionally far too restless and bored to keep himself from practicing, even if he does make sure not to push himself too much. He aches with how much he wants to see Yuuri. He’s certain with Yuuri he would never be bored.

(Sometimes, in his more honest hours, Viktor will admit to himself that ‘boredom’ is really the wrong word to use here. The more appropriate term would be ‘loneliness.’ And Yuuri’s the only one who can make that disappear from his life.)

At last though, the day of Yuuri’s arrival in St. Petersburg dawns upon Viktor. The two of them have agreed that Viktor will come meet Yuuri at his hotel, since Viktor will merely be staying at his own apartment. Viktor spends all day jittery with excitement and unable to concentrate on anything for more than two minutes, unable to stay still. He’s restless and aching with the knowledge that Yuuri is so close to him now, in the very same city as Viktor even, and yet Viktor must wait to go to him. He must allow Yuuri his rest after his long journey to get here first, however. Therefore for now he does his best to busy himself with reminding himself of the plans he’s made for the two of them in St. Petersburg, staring longingly at the clock every few seconds, trying to choose an outfit that works best for meeting Yuuri, and spending some time with Makkachin.

Still, time thankfully passes as it always must, and finally it arrives at the occasion suitable for Viktor to start on his way to the hotel Yuuri is staying at. He makes sure that his outfit is free of wrinkles and he doesn’t have a hair out of place, and then heads out of his apartment. He’s taking his own car out for the occasion, since Yuuri’s hotel is a bit of a drive away, and Viktor takes his time to observe the busy and familiar city on his route, wondering how Yuuri will find it. The day outside is a bitterly cold one, so Viktor has made sure to wear multiple layers, seeing as he and Yuuri will be spending much time outdoors. Even if the weather meant he was slightly more limited in his choice of an outfit, he’s always liked the long coat he has on. He’s wearing the light blue one today to bring out his eyes; the one he got to keep after a winter fashion photoshoot a few years ago.

He only hopes that Yuuri thought to bring enough warm clothes with him, although from the sounds of it, it can also get quite cold in Detroit as well. Not to mention the fact that Viktor knows Yuuri is a person who tends to overthink and consider every possible scenario rather than be unprepared, so likely he has no reason to worry. He still wishes he could have Yuuri be here during a warmer and sunnier season, although admittedly there is something very beautiful and atmospheric about a St. Petersburg that is covered in snow and ice, too. He hopes Yuuri will like it.

Passing the time by thinking like this allows Viktor to arrive at Yuuri’s hotel before he even realizes it. For now, he allows a valet to keep an eye on his car, letting him know he will be back shortly, before making his way into the bright and gleaming hotel lobby. He is quite quick to spot Yuuri waiting for him there in his light brown bulky overcoat and deep blue beanie. Even with his questionable sense of fashion, Viktor’s heart jumps into a frantic and rhythmic beat at the sight of him. Warmth spreads all over his being, right down to his toes and fingertips, and everything looks even brighter and more colorful with Yuuri in his field of vision than before. Viktor’s limbs feel so light and his breath catches in the best possible way as his heart keeps making quadruple flips in his chest. He could cry with how wonderful it feels to see Yuuri, and how he feels like only now that he’s here can Viktor understand how much he’s missed him.

“Yuuri!” he calls out, pouring all these emotions in his heart into that one sweet and beloved name, and rushes towards him with quick strides.

Yuuri turns, and Viktor can just barely witness the beginnings of a smile on his face and hear the beginnings of his name from his sweet lips before he’s pulled Yuuri tight in his arms and against his body. Even through all their layers of clothing Viktor feels the warmth radiate off Yuuri against himself and can’t help but squeeze him a little tighter at that. Touching Yuuri in this manner feels even better than he ever could’ve dreamed. It’s as if stars are being born, sizzling and sparkling where their bodies meet, creating a bright fire inside of Viktor he never wants to lose or let go of.

“Viktor?” Yuuri mumbles into his shoulder, his voice muffled by the fabric of Viktor’s coat.

It’s only then that Viktor realizes in his tactlessness and thoughtlessness he forgot to ask Yuuri if it was all right to embrace him like this, and reluctant as he is, he’s quick to make himself let go of him. He keeps his eyes on Yuuri’s dear face as they detangle their bodies, taking in the shine of wonder and amazement in his beautiful brown eyes. “I’m so sorry, Yuuri. Ought I not have done that? Please forgive me if I overstepped.”

Yuuri’s very smooth and soft cheeks take on a rather lovely shade of red. He turns his gaze slightly away from Viktor, but he doesn’t pull himself any further away from him. “N-no, it was…it was fine. You just…” his hand trembling slightly, Yuuri hesitates a moment before bringing it to one of Viktor’s own and clasping a hold of it. The gesture is so sweet and gentle that at the sight and feel of it Viktor’s heart feels like it grows three sizes and still makes a high-quality jump within his chest. “You just surprised me, that’s all.”

“Then…may I hug you once more?” Viktor asks, breathless.

“O-okay,” Yuuri says softly, and this time even initiates the embrace by stepping back into Viktor’s arms. Viktor makes sure to wrap them around him slowly, gently, to allow Yuuri the chance to change his mind. Still, as soon as he finds Yuuri lacking any visible signs of discomfort, he engulfs him ever deeper into his embrace, allowing the sparks of his touch tickle his skin once more. This time he can also feel Yuuri’s own arms wrap around him in return, and it only serves to make him hold Yuuri even tighter.

Viktor can’t help but rather bury his face into Yuuri’s shoulder, close enough to his hair breaking out from beneath the beanie that the dark strands tickle his nose and he can smell Yuuri’s shampoo. All about this moment and this closeness is so intimate and warm and Viktor never wants it to end. He imagines being joined into one being with Yuuri would be very pleasant. He’d never have to be apart from Yuuri ever again if that were to happen. He could just make his home inside Yuuri’s tender affection, and neither one of them would ever have to be alone again.  

And because his heart is so full of all of this, so full of everything that Yuuri makes him feel, he murmurs, “I’ve missed you, Yuuri.”

“…I missed you too,” Yuuri whispers in return, so quiet Viktor can only hear it because it’s spoken right by his ear. He wishes he could tell Yuuri more, speak in words of all the ways he’s longed for Yuuri over the long months that have passed, but such things are best left unsaid in public places where they can be overheard. So for now, all he does is pull Yuuri closer and hold him a bit tighter still.

And alas, as nice as it would be to let this moment last forever between the two of them until they fused into one being, they really can’t remain embracing in a public hotel lobby until the end of time. After all, Viktor has promised Yuuri St. Petersburg, and they have reservations at a restaurant that they need to get to. So for now he reluctantly lets Yuuri out of his hold, but unwilling as he is to completely cease touching him, he is also quick to take a hold of his hand in a loving imitation of the gesture Yuuri made only a few moments ago.

“Come. Let’s go eat, and then I can show you around the city,” Viktor says, giving Yuuri a beaming genuine smile, as radiant as he can make it with the sunlight Yuuri’s brought into his life.

“Okay,” Yuuri says, returning Viktor’s smile with a gentle one of his own, his cheeks taking on a delightfully pink color and his eyes continuing to shine. Viktor smiles a little wider himself, so joyous is he that the two of them are this much more at ease with each other now in comparison to how they were when they first met.

Viktor leads the way to his car, efficiently handed back to him by the valet, and quickly starts driving himself and Yuuri towards the city proper. Viktor is also forced to let go of Yuuri to focus on driving, and the loss of the touch makes Yuuri feel miles upon miles away once more. For the first few moments, they sit in silence in the car. As more moments pass, Viktor can sense the mood turning tenser and tenser, until it feels almost like an invisible barrier of glass between the two of them. Out of the corner of his eye, Viktor can tell Yuuri’s shoulders are hunched up and he has withdrawn into himself, as if he’s trying to make himself seem as small as possible in his seat. As he turns to take a more proper look, he can also tell Yuuri’s eyes are slightly glassed over, staring out of the front window of the car but likely not seeing anything, completely lost inside his own head.

And Viktor can’t stand the idea that Yuuri would ever want to make himself seem smaller than the shining star he is with him of all people; to make himself seem like he’s somehow worth less than all Viktor knows he is and can be. So he says what is in his heart, what he’s been thinking all along, but can now say that they’re alone. “I’m really happy you’re here, Yuuri.”

Yuuri jumps a little, likely not expecting Viktor to break the silence so suddenly, and turns his head to look at Viktor. They’ve stopped at traffic lights so Viktor utilizes the opportunity as well to peer right into Yuuri’s shining brown eyes from behind the small distance between the two of them. Yuuri’s eyes are wide and searching, and Viktor immediately makes sure to put as much emotion into his gaze as he can to convince Yuuri to the truth of what he said. More words may not be able to tell Yuuri what he needs to know, but maybe Viktor’s soul can.

Indeed, slowly, Yuuri’s expression melts into a small but warm smile. “I’m happy too.”

Viktor returns his smile, and it feels like the tenseness of the atmosphere slowly starts drifting away like smoke from between them as he drives out of the crossroads.

“So, are you excited for the competition?” Viktor asks after a few moments of a more companionable and comfortable silence.

“Nervous is the word I’d rather use,” Yuuri chuckles, a little self-deprecation in his tone. “The competition here is so fierce this year. I mean, _you_ are here. And I’m basically never not nervous, but now…”

“You have as good a chance of winning as anyone, Yuuri,” Viktor says, filling his voice with the conviction and faith he feels deep in his bones. “If you perform the way you did in Skate America, you’ll even give me a run for my money. Not to mention that it will give you excellent chances of making it to the Final.”

Yuuri pauses, biting his lip momentarily before saying, “I really think you’re overselling my abilities.”

“No,” Viktor says gently, but with meaning, as he glances over at Yuuri again; at his hesitant, nervous expression. Another stop at traffic lights gives him the opportunity to keep looking, keep talking, keep convincing Yuuri. “You were...you were dazzling at Skate America. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. It would’ve been a travesty had you not won. I can’t wait to see you skate in person again.” The pink shade on Yuuri’s cheeks is starting to turn much redder again, but he doesn’t tear his eyes away from Viktor’s this time around. His eyes are taking on that familiar, dear sparkle again, too, the shades of brown in them swimming in color like melted chocolate. “If you don’t trust my word, then trust the judges. You wouldn’t have won had you not deserved it.”

“I do trust you,” Yuuri says. “It’s because of that trust that I’ve been able to make it this far.”

“No, Yuuri,” Viktor says softly. “You were always capable of accomplishing all of this. I’ve merely assisted you some.”

There’s another pause, before Yuuri says, “…I’m just scared I will let you down.”

“You could never let me down, Yuuri,” Viktor says, and softly, slowly, lowers one hand off the steering wheel and over to Yuuri, palm up. An offer. “As long as you do your best, no matter the results, know you won’t let me down.”

A moment of silent passes, and Viktor has just enough time to grow afraid he’s overstepped his boundaries again with the hand, when he feels Yuuri wrap his own around it gently. His hand is warm to touch and it makes Viktor’s heart feel like it’s being flooded with light.

…

They hold hands the rest of the car journey to the restaurant, a cozy little bistro that isn’t so fancy as to feel stifling or need dressing up, but also is exclusive enough that even internationally well-known athletes like Viktor and Yuuri are more likely to get privacy there. On the days he’s allowed to deviate from his strict diet some, Viktor quite likes coming there to enjoy the food and his respite from the rest of the world. When Yuuri expressed he wished to eat somewhere that Viktor liked that had delicious food but wasn’t terribly expensive, he’d immediately thought about this place. The staff additionally knows Viktor on sight and the two of them get seated in a booth discreetly away from any possible prying eyes.

Viktor and Yuuri remove their outdoor clothes in an amicable silence before taking their seats across from each other in the booth. However, even as Yuuri’s starting to concentrate on the menu, Viktor can’t stop looking at him. He’s still rather in disbelief that Yuuri is actually here, with him, and he wants to take in as much of his lovely face to print into his memory as he possibly can. He allows his eyes to travel from Yuuri’s neat eyebrows to his soft cheeks and pink lips to his lovely jawline, and it’s then that something rather specific catches his eye, fairly easy to spot now that Yuuri is without his hat.

“Your hair,” Viktor gasps. “It’s a bit longer.”

“Oh,” Yuuri says, and subconsciously reaches up to touch the strands that now easily go past his ears with his fingers. His hair is still fluffy from the hat and the wind, and Viktor finds the sight of him like so utterly adorable. “Yeah, I guess so. I haven’t really had the time to get it cut…”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t,” Viktor says, smiling. He reaches over the table to slowly touch Yuuri’s hand resting on top of it. Yuuri’s gaze follows his movement, but he makes no move to pull away even as his eyes widen slightly upon realizing what Viktor is about to do. He allows Viktor take his hand, and after a moment, holds onto it in return much as he did in the car. “I think you would look quite stunning with longer hair.”

Yuuri blinks at that, still running his fingers through the strands around his ears. “I’m not sure it would suit me…”

“Well, I don’t see the harm in trying it out,” Viktor says, shrugging. “After all, it’s merely hair. You can always change your mind later and cut it if you feel as though it doesn’t suit you long. If nothing else, changing your style once in a while may be good. It will keep people on their toes.”

“That reminds me,” Yuuri says. “I’ve never thought to ask this before, but…why did you cut _your_ hair? You never really gave anyone who asked a straight answer about that…”

Those words are all it takes for a painful lump to form in Viktor’s throat, and a tremor is quick to run through his body, sweat starting to break out at the back of his neck and his breathing grow erratic. He hates thinking about that time, has been pushing away any thoughts and feelings related to it for years now, hoping desperately that it might just go away on its own. And yet now…

“I-I’m sorry!” Yuuri’s frightened voice breaks through his own darkened thoughts. As Viktor looks up to Yuuri’s face again, he sees his eyes appear quite wild and panicked. “That was awful of me to ask, you don’t have to answer…”

“No,” Viktor shakes his head, even as his voice sounds somewhat throaty. “No, it’s all right.” He clears his throat, hoping it might help make his voice come out steadier. “I merely quite dislike thinking or talking about that.”

“That’s okay,” Yuuri says, and he leans a bit closer to him from across the table; squeezes on Viktor’s hand still joined with his. “There are some things I don’t like to talk about either.”

Yet Yuuri _has_ talked to Viktor about so many things that Viktor has been able to tell he doesn’t enjoy discussing. He’s allowed Viktor into the highly-guarded garden of his true self and life; shared and opened up so much of himself for Viktor to see and learn. And Viktor hates to admit it, but he has yet to show Yuuri the same courtesy in the same amount. He has always listened to Yuuri when he’s wanted to talk and done his best to help when it’s been needed of him, but when it comes to himself he’s been keeping the conversation relatively superficial still. If he truly wants to keep being with Yuuri in this manner, he needs to start meeting him halfway more when it comes to sharing things. And perhaps it may not hurt to acknowledge to at least a certain degree that if he wishes not to feel so alone in the world, he first needs to start letting someone properly in and to allow them to know him.

After all, Yuuri asked him to be himself, and Viktor has done his very best to be that for Yuuri. But perhaps it may not hurt to try a little harder, now that they’re in the same city for the first time in months.

“Well…” he starts, testing the words on his tongue, lowering his eyes down onto the table. “I’m sure you’re aware that a few years ago I broke my leg at a competition and was forced to take some time off skating?” He can vaguely see Yuuri’s chin move in a nod above him, and he gives Viktor’s hand another squeeze.

“Much changed for me that year. Without skating, I was…I was so lost. I had no idea what to do with myself. Everything just felt meaningless and…hollow.”

He takes a short pause to gather himself. “I was focused on getting better, because getting better meant I could eventually return to the ice. But being unable to skate also made me realize how little I had in my life aside from it, how much I lacked in terms of people who I could really call close to me. The only contacts I had were at the rink, and I couldn’t bring myself to go visit it much. Doing so only ever seemed to remind me what I was missing.”

He takes a in a trembling breath, making sure to keep his tone steady. “Then, one night I came home after a rehabilitation session, and happened to glance at myself in the bathroom mirror. In that moment, I believe I saw myself for what I’d become over the years for the very first time. My face looked…tired. Weary. Empty. Eventually, my eyes found my hair. And after, I was hit with the drastic contrast between the way my face looked and how my hair looked. For much of it, my hair had been a symbol of my skating career; I’d been growing it out as long as I’d been skating. And now I was stuck in a situation where I was unable to skate, yet the hair remained, even as my face grew weary and pale.”

He sighs. “I didn’t even give myself time to think about it. I suppose I acted on an impulse. But I grabbed the scissors I kept in the bathroom, took a hold of my hair, and chopped most of it off before I even quite realized what I was doing. Once I came to more properly, I booked an appointment to get the rest of it cut off by a professional by the next morning. My hair has been short ever since.”

It’s only once he’s said all of this that he finally looks up at Yuuri from the table again. Yuuri’s beautiful eyes have grown wide and are glimmering with sadness, his mouth having fallen slightly open in shock. But Viktor can detect no judgement anywhere on his face.

“Viktor…” Yuuri murmurs, bringing the hand not holding onto Viktor’s to lean over the table as well, palm up. Realizing what he wishes for him to do, Viktor brings his own free hand over the table as well for Yuuri to grasp onto. Yuuri squeezes both his hands and Viktor is quick to return the gesture. He feels raw and exposed, like Yuuri has just carved him open to his very bones in order to be able to look at something deep inside him that he’s been keeping hidden for so long he almost forgot it existed. But at the same time, Yuuri’s gentle yet firm touch and the way he leans closer to Viktor over the table also make him feel like Yuuri is now stitching Viktor back together again as well. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“I’ve never told anyone about that,” Viktor admits, still keeping his grip tight on Yuuri’s hands. They are starting to feel like the only thing keeping him from bursting into tears in the middle of this restaurant, the only anchor he has to stability. As private as it is, he would prefer to avoid causing any sort of scene, and especially one of that manner. “It…it was a very difficult time for me.”

Yuuri nods silently, before slowly opening his mouth, as if to say something. There is a strange feverish look in his eyes that makes Viktor rather curious over what it might be. But Yuuri seems to think better of it, seeing as he closes his mouth with a clacking sound rather than speaking whatever was on his mind out loud. Viktor not having anything else to say for the moment either, the two of them remain in silence for a few minutes, merely holding onto each other’s hands. Viktor allows himself this time to find his footing and stability in the warmth and the strength of Yuuri’s touch, right until he feels more like he can breathe properly and steadily again.

Even as he starts to feel more in control of the situation and himself once more, however, Viktor feels reluctant to let go of Yuuri’s hands. They really are just so wonderful for him to hold, and they seem to fit into his so perfectly, and the touch of them is still electrifying to him with its tenderness. However, their quiet and intimate moment is rather quickly cut short by the arrival of a waiter who wishes to know if they’re ready to order yet. It is only then that Viktor realizes he hasn’t even looked at the menu yet. He tells the waiter as much in a quick few words, and she agrees to return at a later occasion.

“We should probably figure out what we want to eat,” Viktor says, trying to sound nonchalant as he grabs himself a menu from the holder at the end of their table.

“Y-yes…you’re right,” Yuuri murmurs, picking up the copy of the menu he’d put aside earlier. There is an English translation for the dishes on the menu below the Russian text, so Viktor doesn’t need to help Yuuri choose. They both end up picking something fairly light because they have to compete in a few days, and therefore still need to be smart with their choices. At least Viktor knows from experience that the restaurant’s chicken is much less plain and bland than what Viktor is normally forced to endure, even with all the spice he adds to it at home.

Unfortunately, it becomes rather apparent quite quickly that the waiter’s appearance seems to have broken the easy intimacy and comfortable silence between Viktor and Yuuri, thrusting them rather back into the tense nervousness from before. As much as Viktor tries to think of something to say, something that would convince Yuuri that what he just revealed to him wasn’t something to make a number about, he can’t. Not when it’s actually the most he’s ever opened up to anyone in his life so far, and when he still feels like he’s just bared his very soul to Yuuri. He still feels exposed, and he doesn’t know if he likes that or not. Therefore for now, all he can do is avoid Yuuri’s eyes and try and think of something clever to say.

To his surprise, in the end it’s actually Yuuri who breaks the silence.

“Viktor,” he says, his tone soft to the point that it finally gives Viktor the courage to face him once more. Yuuri’s expression as he meets it is soft with a smile, and it makes Viktor’s heart skip a beat in his chest. He doesn’t think he’s ever known such tenderness from anyone before. “I’m glad you told me what you told me. I hope you know you can always talk to me. I may not know how to respond or give good advice, not like you do, but…but I can at least always listen. And we’re…” he swallows forcibly, pausing to momentarily bite his lip. “We’re friends, aren’t we? So it’s okay if you want to talk to me about things, even the harder things.” He pauses. “But it’s also okay if you don’t want to talk about them, I don’t want you to push yourself or anything, I didn’t mean-!”

“Vitya,” Viktor says, his voice just barely above a whisper.

“What?” Yuuri gasps, ceasing in his rambling before he could truly even begin.

“Could you...call me Vitya from now on?” Viktor says, embarrassed to find this time it’s him whose cheeks are starting to feel rather warm.

“Vitya?” Yuuri repeats, blinking softly. “I think I’ve heard your coach call you that. What does it mean?”

“It’s…it’s a type of nickname in Russian, but not quite. Rather, it’s more like another name that you have; one that is saved for people who are close to you. If we’re friends, I’d like it if you called me Vitya from now on. Having you always call me just ‘Viktor’ sounds so formal to my ears if we’re meant to be friends.”

Yuuri blinks a few more times in a rapid fashion, as a deep hue of red slowly takes over his entire face, spreading all the way up to the tips of his ears in a way that Viktor is quick to simply adore. He watches Yuuri bite down on his lip again, look down at his lap, seeming suddenly to be very deep in thought. It’s enough for Viktor to grow slightly worried for a moment. Perhaps he overstepped some type of boundary again? Perhaps Yuuri has no desire to call him by a name that has its meanings so tied to specifically the Russian language when Yuuri doesn’t even speak it? Perhaps Viktor’s simply asking for too much. Or perhaps Yuuri is merely embarrassed by such an outright sign of closeness…

Still, as much as he wishes to, Viktor voices none of these worries out loud. It doesn’t seem right when Yuuri seems to lost in thought and so intent on taking his time answering. So Viktor allows him the time he needs to muse, and doesn’t push him to answer.

Finally, Yuuri opens his mouth again and speaks in a soft murmur, “Okay…Vitya.”

And Viktor smiles, letting out a short breath of relief.

…

After they finish their lunch, Viktor takes Yuuri to all his favorite spots around St. Petersburg and they take selfies together much as they did in Paris. But Yuuri seems oddly distracted through most of it, appearing to constantly be deep in thought, only snapping out of his musings when Viktor works at gaining his attention. Truthfully, he had been acting strange already back at the restaurant towards the end of their meal, but Viktor had just thought he might still be jetlagged and/or was just focusing on his food.

Finally, once he realizes that Yuuri has evidently barely listened to his explanation of the Church of the Savior on Spilled Blood, Viktor decides to approach the topic head-on.  “Are you quite all right, Yuuri? You appear to be quite lost in thought.”

“What?” Yuuri asks, clearly having been broken out of his musings only now once more. “Oh, sorry, I guess I have a lot on my mind,” he says, truly sounding apologetic as he looks down at his feet in shame and embarrassment. “I’m really sorry. I’m just wasting your time here, even though you agreed to personally show me around…”

“No, no, it’s all right,” Viktor hurries to reassure him. “It wouldn’t do to overwork myself so close to the competition anyway so I’d honestly have little else to do if it wasn’t for you. I just want to know if there is something bothering you, if maybe I can be of help.” That manages to bring out a small smile on Yuuri, so Viktor proceeds, “Is it the competition? Is that what is bothering you?”

“No…not this time,” Yuuri says, but the fact that he continues to smile a little at the corner of his mouth makes Viktor feel a bit more at ease. “And it’s nice of you to offer help, but I’m afraid this is just something I need to figure out on my own.”

Viktor blinks once in wonder, but doesn’t push it.

“Sorry,” Yuuri says again. “I promise I’ll pay more attention from now on. Can you just repeat what you were saying?”

After that, Yuuri sticks to his word, managing to not space out quite so much. The rest of the tour goes more smoothly as a result and the two of them manage to catch up a bit, too, with Yuuri telling Viktor more about how school and living with Phichit has been progressing in the past months, and going into detail about Skate America. Viktor takes several more pictures of Yuuri and the two of them together at the sights, almost all of which turn out amazing if he says so himself. It’s not difficult, he supposes, when they’re both so photogenetic. Viktor posts nearly all the pictures both on his Twitter and his brand-new Instagram account.

“We should do this at every competition,” he says as they’re making their way back to Yuuri’s hotel in his car.

“Take pictures and post them online?” Yuuri asks, a gentle teasing lilt in his tone that Viktor finds quite alluring.

“Well, that too,” Viktor grins. “But I meant all of this this. We should make it a tradition. Whenever we’re in a competition together, we should go see the sights together. And take pictures.”

Yuuri blinks. “Are you sure you have that kind of time?”

“As I said, I ought not to overwork myself, and sight-seeing would work as a proper distraction. Not to mention it would be nice to actually get to see a bit more of the places I visit while competing,” Viktor says. “What do you think?”

Yuuri blinks a few more times, a soft sparkle beginning to grow in his eyes. Then, slowly, a smile takes over his face, seeming to make his whole being shine from the inside. “I think I’d really like that.”

“Then it’s settled!”

It’s not long after that that they reach Yuuri’s hotel and have to say their goodbyes for the night. It’s an achingly painful thought, having to be apart from Yuuri again when they just got to see each other after such a long time; when they only have these few days to spend together now. Viktor doesn’t want him to leave. He wants to take Yuuri back to his apartment to meet Makkachin again, especially when he couldn’t bring her along today seeing as many of the places he and Yuuri visited don’t allow animals, and to simply spend more time with him. He doesn’t even think Yuuri would mind, with the way he seems just as reluctant to leave the car or even unbuckle his seatbelt. He knows they can’t do that, seeing as tomorrow’s a big day and they both need their rest. But _God_ does he want to.

He turns towards Yuuri more properly in his seat, offering him his hand to hold one last time, wanting so desperately to have at least a small touch of Yuuri’s to take with him back to his cold, lonely apartment. Yuuri allows him that, and Viktor squeezes on his hand, all the while mapping Yuuri’s face in all of its beautiful glory. His lovely eyes, his soft cheeks, his lush pink lips…

And as soon as Viktor’s eyes discover Yuuri’s lips, he finds he can’t bring himself to look away from them. It’s like they’re back on the podium at Paris once more, except now with the added privacy and safety of Viktor’s car. If he just leaned forward, would Yuuri stop him? He didn’t seem like he was going to the last time. Viktor’s lips tingle and his heart aches as that familiar longing to kiss Yuuri returns, all the more powerful now that he’s come to truly know him and to for real…

Before he can quite finish that thought, however, Yuuri clears his throat and breaks the moment. “Well, good night…Vitya.”

Viktor’s heart does a quad flip right up into his throat. His heart is still aching, his lips are still tingling, but he stops himself before he can think about leaning forward to touch his lips with Yuuri’s again. Instead, all he does is to quietly say, “Good night.”

Yuuri grants him one last gentle smile, before exiting the car with a quick wave, and heading for the front door of the hotel. Still, despite knowing he will see him again soon, Viktor feels like a part of his heart goes along with him. He covers his mouth with his hand in effort to try and make the ghost touch of Yuuri’s lips on his disappear, but it only seems to make it all the worse.

After the incident at Worlds, Viktor has been giving all of this a lot of thought. He’s allowed it to grow on its own time, not even trying to stop it from flourishing once he realized what was happening. Not that he thinks he could’ve stopped it even if he’d tried, but even with how dangerous he knows it all is, it’s also something that has made him _feel_ something for the first time in so long. And not just feel _something_ , but something _pleasant_ and _wonderful_. It may be wrong, may be impossible, may never lead to anything except possibly a lot of pain for both himself and Yuuri, but Viktor can’t bring himself to regret feeling this way or trying to make it disappear. Because it’s Yuuri, and Yuuri is the only thing and only person that seems to make sense in the world anymore. For that alone, Viktor can’t bring himself to regret any of it.

It’s been happening slowly over the year the two of them have gotten to know each other, grown from surges of pride and protectiveness into something deeper, something where he doesn’t want to ever let Yuuri go. Where he wants Yuuri to have eyes for him before anyone and anything else. Where he wants to touch Yuuri and hold him and be the one he talks to first about everything. He wants to share everything he has with Yuuri, too, and to make all his dreams come true.

There’s no use denying what he feels; what he’s _been_ feeling.

He’s in love.

…

**v-nikiforov**

St. Petersburg

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❤ 3,194 likes

**v-nikiforov** Showing #katsukiyuuri around my beautiful #St.Petersburg! #RostelecomCup #russia #sightseeing

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**iceicelady** you both look really happy! I hope you guys had fun! Is this going to become a regular thing @v-nikiforov? Are you guys really friends?

**quadflipped** You guys are sooo cute! <3\. I hope I get to see more of you in the future!

**knifeshoes** I would like to thank not only #God but also #Jesus. #Victuuri

**snowstorm** k @knifeshoes @quadflipped, u guys need to stop harrassing viktor like this, esp on his personal account. he could get into shit for this!

**quadflipped** Who’s harrassing who now @snowstorm? All I did was say they look cute!

**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** yuuri-chan looks so adorable! <3.

2 hours ago

…

The next day Viktor wakes up with his heart pounding from excitement and thrill, and he can’t stop smiling or humming joyfully all through his morning rituals. It’s been so long since he’s last looked forward to a competition this much. There’s so much to see and to show today, and Viktor can already feel in his bones that it’s going to be an amazing day. He can’t wait for it to start properly, even if for now he must be content with making his teeth and skin look especially perfect.

It’s a few hours later that he meets Yakov at the arena for the competition to attend the pre-competition practice and preparations. Yakov gives him some last minute notes on his skating, as usual, but Viktor’s not paying much attention to him. He’s heard these same things too many times to count already, because Yakov inevitably always ends up repeating himself sooner or later. If he hasn’t learned his routines or the corrections to them by now, anything Yakov is has to say won’t make much difference at this point. Viktor will revisit his advice if he needs to after the Rostelecom Cup ends. In any case, he knows more than well what he wants to and needs to do with his skating on his own by this point, and right now the most important thing is simply getting in the right mindset.

Viktor’s going over his step sequence for his short program in his mind when he spots Yuuri walking by with Celestino, the latter talking in rapid and loud English that the accentuates with elaborate hand motions. Yuuri turns to meet his eyes as they pass, his hair already styled and with his performance make-up on. Viktor smiles at him and gives him a small wave. Yuuri returns both gestures, though his smile seems a bit strained at the corners, likely due to nerves. It’s a bit worrisome, but for now Viktor can only hope he can manage to pull himself together well enough to skate his best.

“Vitya!” Yakov’s voice cries through his muddled thoughts. “Are you listening to me?”

“Yakov, it will be fine! I’ve practiced this hundreds of times! I know what I’m doing!” Viktor reassures him, giving him Smile #9 that he always uses when dealing with Yakov.

Yakov continues to screech by his ear, but Viktor is quick to drown him out, returning to thinking about his short program instead. It works out quite well as a method to pass the time, and before he knows it, it’s time for the warmup on the ice. Viktor does a few jumps, and goes over a few parts of his step sequences to get even deeper into the correct mindset. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Yuuri preparing for a jump of his own, and turns to properly look just in time to witness him land his quad Salchow cleanly. He smiles slightly to himself at seeing how much Yuuri has clearly improved since last season. Viktor can’t really see the expression on his face because Yuuri is at the other end of the rink, but he’s moving smoothly on the ice and doesn’t look terribly tense, so it appears he has managed to calm himself down well enough at least for the moment.

He and Yuuri are both in the second group for the short programs. Therefore, once the ice warmup ends and the first skaters take to the ice, Viktor seeks him out backstage. As he finds him by himself in a relatively secluded corner, the two of them don’t say anything to each other in in words, only giving each other encouraging smiles and nods. Afterwards they take their positions side by side, silently beginning to do stretches and warmup jogging together, not terribly unlike at Worlds last year.

“How are you feeling?” Viktor asks softly as they get to doing splits on the floor.

“I’m okay, I think,” Yuuri murmurs in return. “I’ve been applying my calming techniques, and they seem to help at least a bit. Plus having the sleeping pills helps, since they mean I won’t have to worry about whether I can fall asleep during the competition or not.”

Viktor nods, and they continue stretching in silence for a few moments. He inevitably starts going through his short program in his mind again not long after, though, and it brings up a thought.

“Please watch me today, all right?” he says, voice barely above a whisper, his heart thudding in his chest. He has to swallow around his suddenly dry throat. He can’t quite bring himself to tell Yuuri that he is the reason the programs he’s about to perform in this competition for the first time exist as they are, but he wants to, very much. Right now, however, he also _doesn’t_ want to overwhelm Yuuri or shake his concentration on his own routines. But perhaps he’s permitted to say this much. After all, he and Yuuri are both skaters. Perhaps if Yuuri watches him, he’ll understand what Viktor wants to say even if Viktor doesn’t speak the words. “I would like for you to see my program.”

“I will,” Yuuri says. “I’ll find a way to watch you, even if it’s later on in my room, I promise.” Viktor nods with a small smile, knowing it’s all he can really expect from Yuuri on a day like this. Yuuri will be skating before him and afterwards he may have to deal with the press or other responsibilities, and therefore might not get the chance to watch Viktor skate. But it still means a lot that he will watch him, even if it may not be here and right now. It will have to be enough, unfair as it is.

“I would also like to take you out to dinner again today, later,” Viktor says softly. “Would that be all right with you?”

Yuuri smiles a little. “More than all right. I’d really like that.”

Viktor smiles too, and reaches over to place a comforting hand on Yuuri’s shoulder, just because he can and because it feels like the right sort of thing to do in a situation like this. Yuuri follows the movement with his eyes but doesn’t move to pull away. With the way Yuuri is currently bending his neck and the way his hair has grown, Viktor can feel the strands of it tickling the back of his hand. He can’t resist the temptation to touch them a little bit more, taking some in between his fingertips, so smooth and soft as they are to feel. With his thumb, he moves to caress the shell of Yuuri’s ear just a bit, feeling the heat radiating off it from the blush starting to spread all over Yuuri’s face again. Viktor moves on to caress his cheekbone and the redness there with his thumb, almost as if he could spread the color with his finger like it was paint and Yuuri was the masterpiece on a canvas.

Slowly, Yuuri raises his eyes from looking at the way his hand is moving up to meet his eyes. They’re shining again in that very specific way that Viktor’s come to know and love. All of it seems to be inviting him to just get closer and closer, especially with the way Yuuri parts his lips and then _licks_ them, as if they weren’t enough of a temptation even without the added new coat of shine. Viktor has to swallow again, and in turn licks his own lips. To his joy, he notices that Yuuri’s eyes lower down to follow the movement as well, and he can see Yuuri’s throat bob in a swallow of his own.

Viktor wants him so desperately. He wants to hold him and kiss him everywhere, wants to finally have what he’s denied himself for so long. Yuuri seems eager enough to let him, too. If they were anywhere else right now…

Fortunately, that thought is rather sobering, like a stone falling to the pit of Viktor’s stomach, and Viktor is quick to come back to himself after that. He removes his hand from Yuuri gently, but has to look away from him afterwards to be able to gather himself. His hand feels like it’s starting to burn from having caressed Yuuri’s body, and his lips feel much the same for the desire to do so in turn. He needs to get a grip on himself and fast. No matter what he may feel, he can’t keep doing things like this in public places. He and Yuuri may be relatively alone right now, but anyone could’ve come to talk to them and spotted them in that rather compromising position. Not to mention Viktor has no idea how far he might’ve taken it if he hadn’t realized what he was doing. No matter what, he can’t keep doing things like this.

As if to cement that thought and to show how close a call what just took place was, Celestino comes strolling over to their corner. “It’s almost time.”

“Okay,” Yuuri says, sounding about as breathless as Viktor feels, his cheeks still a bit pink. Thankfully Celestino doesn’t comment on it, and just slowly helps Yuuri to rise to his feet.

“Yuuri,” Viktor says, before Yuuri can start walking away. Once Yuuri looks down at him to let him know he’s listening, Viktor continues, “Break a leg.”

Yuuri smiles at that, small but genuine. “You too…Vitya.”

Yuuri goes on his way with Celestino, so Viktor takes the time before Yuuri will take to the ice to finish his warmup. He gradually moves closer to the TV monitor to keep an eye on for when Yuuri is going to start skating, though. He wishes he could be watching Yuuri more in person by the rinkside, rather than through a screen, but he takes what comfort he can in the thought that at least he will be able to congratulate Yuuri in person afterwards.

Yuuri’s short program costume consists of a regal deep blue jacket with a white shirt underneath, the ruffles of it showing the opening of the jacket and at his wrists. His pants are a shining deep black. It’s not a terribly different choice from Yuuri’s previous costumes, but the shades of it are more eye-catching and adult-like than the softer tones Yuuri has previously favored. He looks very handsome and lordly, but still quite youthful. He’s appearance of like that of a young prince, still not quite ready to take on the throne but knowing that day that that will happen is getting closer.

The music starts, soft and gentle, again something that people might expect from Yuuri based on his earlier career. Yuuri’s skating compliments it as usual as well, with the soft movements he makes in his step sequences and hand gestures. The way he performs the program is sad and almost shy, as if Yuuri is afraid to reach outside of himself. As if he’s hiding behind what he can do now, but not daring to reach for more. As he takes himself through a combination jump, he begins to look more lost and afraid, before he throws himself into a tight and beautiful spin. All these movements are trademarks of Yuuri’s; the moves he’s been honing and polishing since his decorated career in Juniors. They’re what he’s the best at, what he’s known for as a skater. He’s in his comfort zone, but the way he presents himself and his movements conveys he’s growing unhappier and unhappier with settling for only that. He’s starting to long for something more, something grander.

It’s at this point of the program that the music starts to transform into something stronger, bolder, wilder. And with it, Yuuri also seems to discover something within himself. He looks to the distance, looking fearful, but then reaches his arms out as if to show his acceptance of whatever he sees into his embrace, and his movements grow sturdier and more stead-fast. He’s no longer so tightly-wound; not so afraid of taking chances. This is where all the quads of his program start, the quad-toe and the Salchow, both cleanly executed. At this point of the routine, Yuuri is looking for something. He still looks nervous, but he has something in his life that makes him braver, makes him want for more than what he’s been settling for in the past.

As the program and the music reach their climax and crescendo, Yuuri’s skating grows all the more steady and powerful with every move he makes, more so than he’s ever been before, but Viktor can tell he’s still not letting go completely. This is not as far as Yuuri is now willing to go, how far he _can_ now go. But he also knows that this is all a deliberate act in the routine, and that the story will continue with the free program the day after tomorrow. With this program, Yuuri is showing to the world that he’s found his center when it comes to his skating, his own worth within himself. He finishes the short program by holding one of his hands palm up towards the audience, fingers curled slightly in a beckoning gesture, asking them to come closer, to take a more careful look at him now.

It’s only after Yuuri finishes that Viktor feels like he comes back down to earth as well, back into his own body. He returns to realize that his heart is pounding so hard that he can barely make out the thunderous applause the audience is giving Yuuri, that his breathing is shaky as it comes out, and that Yakov is calling for him to get moving to the arena for his turn. Viktor is almost too stunned to move. Yuuri was even more beautiful today than at Skate America, and Viktor is sure his score will reflect that as well. Viktor’s not sure if even he could have told a story like that through his skating so well; the story of Yuuri trying to find his confidence, his worth, within himself. He can’t wait to tell Yuuri about everything his skating showed him later.

For now, all Viktor can do is try his best in clearing his head in order to be able to offer his best effort to the ice. Because his programs are a tribute to Yuuri, it’s probably not entirely terrible of him to fill his brain with him for the moment, but Viktor still needs to make sure he has enough focus to also be able to perform well. He goes over his short program in his mind a few more times as he and Yakov make their way to the rinkside and he does a few final stretches. The time passes in a type of haze, and before he knows it, it’s time for Viktor to take to the ice and perform. As he takes his starting position at the center of the rink, and the audience grows silent around him, he sends out one more wish to the skies that Yuuri has found an opportunity to watch him somewhere out there.

And then it’s just him, his program and the ice. The rest of the world fades away into the blurry edges of his vision.

Much like Yuuri’s programs, Viktor’s are meant to tell one unified and joined story together. The music he’s chosen for his short program is sad and tender, almost like a lullaby; one of those old ones that are tragic and sad, telling tales that are all about death and loss. It’s the lullaby that is keeping Viktor asleep, going through the motions in his life as if merely sleepwalking. His commissioned costume for the program is dark, almost black, with a few indigo swirls here and there in the fabric, as well as a mesh cover that sparkles rather like a pool of stars when the light touches it. It’s almost like a mourning outfit, but at the same reminiscent of a night sky. Much like Viktor was, the costume is in such a deep sleep in the dead of the night that it might as well be dead.

Viktor moves with grace and softness to the music, keeping his skating style languid and sleepy. He allows the sadness and the loneliness that were inside of him show in every move he makes. He keeps his expressions dulled, weary and resigned as he skates, but moves his fingertips in a way that he uses to suggest he’s looking for something more, even if he may not know what it is. There is a restlessness beneath his skin. The few smiles he breaks out he gives directly to the audience and the judges, but he keeps them small and resembling grimaces. They are his old smiles, before he learned how to pretend better, and especially before he found a reason to smile in a genuine way. That he grants those smiles to the audience while he jumps is no coincidence either. For the Viktor in the program, nothing matters, because everything in his life has grown to feel meaningless and pointless. All he has are his masks and the persona he shows off to the public, but not much more. No one knows his real self that lies underneath it all. No one even cares to know. And because of that, Viktor can’t bring himself to care either.

Then, just before the program reaches its conclusion, there is a sudden surprise element to the music, and it changes into a joyous and expectant crescendo. Something new happens, and arrives in the horizon for him to see. Viktor lets the music guide his emotions, mimicking that same shock he can feel radiating off the audience as well. He turns to look towards the distance, where a new light is shining for him, waiting for him. He flies off into his last jump, one that he makes towards whatever it is that he sees in the far beyond. He reaches for it with both hands, ready to take whatever is waiting for him into his embrace like a lover.

Finally, the music fades, and Viktor takes in a breath, keeping himself still in his final for a while longer.

He waits a few tics to come down from the high of the performance, to return from the confines of his mind before loosening his stance on the ice to a more neutral one. His body is aching and tired and sweaty, as it always is following a challenging program, and he’s breathing quite heavily. As he takes in a few much-needed breaths, the crowd is still silent around him. And then, before he can blink and wonder what is going on that has them so quiet, everything around him seems to erupt like a volcano. The audience is giving him possibly the loudest cheers he’s ever heard from them, and he can’t help the smile that breaks out. The audience here might be biased, given that it’s his home city, but he’s still fairly certain he managed to convey to them what he wanted to say with this program. He gives them a happy, genuine smile now and greets them with a polite wave and a bow. He’s finished with the first half of what he came here to do today, and now he wants to do the second half. He rushes off the ice, hoping he can get his scores fast and then go find Yuuri in the green room. Viktor knows he must be there waiting for him, if he hasn’t been hounded by the press. After the performance he gave, there is no way he’s not in the top three even after Viktor has skated.

Yakov is there to greet him at the exit point, quick to hand him his skate guards and his jacket with a congratulatory pat on the shoulder. Still, Viktor barely has a moment to take in an evened breath before the lecture of all the corrections he needs to apply and everything he could’ve done better starts pouring out of Yakov’s mouth. Still dazed and weary, Viktor regardless does his best to listen as he drinks water from his bottle, his cheeks glowing with the heat of exhaustion. Most of what Yakov says he already knows, but it’s still best to hear the commentary now with the program at its freshest in his mind. He just hopes he’ll be able to remember it later.

When Yakov finally seems to be done with his lecture for the moment, Viktor asks, “How did Yuuri do? I didn’t get to see his scores.”

“Katsuki?” Yakov blinks. “He did well, I believe. He was in first place still before you skated.” Viktor nods and smiles to himself, satisfied enough for now to be able to wait for his own scores so he can join Yuuri in the green room.

But Yakov starts again, “Vitya, why do you care so much? I know you’ve mentioned the two of you are friends, but…”

“We are, Yakov,” Viktor says, his tone even and low. “And isn’t it natural that friends should be glad to see each other succeed?”

Yakov pursues his lips, biting the inside of them in thought. They look rather dry, Viktor can’t help but notice, but Yakov probably wouldn’t appreciate it if he offered to borrow him some lip balm. Yakov doesn’t respond for a while, and Viktor has nothing more to say to him right now, so he just takes another sip of his drink. He’s never liked awkward silences.

“Just be careful, Vitya,” Yakov says, eventually. “You know my rules. And even you won’t be spared the consequences if you disobey them.”

“I _know_ ,” Viktor says, and only barely manages to avoid it coming out a hiss. He knows better than well. If it wasn’t for Yakov’s stupid rules and the risk of disapproval from sponsors and fans, he wants to think he would’ve kissed Yuuri by now. He knows how he feels, knows he’s never been close to another human being like this and knows he’s never felt like this for anyone else before either. He’s never treasured someone as much as he treasures skating. He’s not sure if he ever will, again.

And that’s the irony, isn’t it. Yuuri returned to him his love for skating, and in doing so made Viktor fall in love with him, too. And now that he loves skating again, now that it finally feels like a challenge and like something that’s fun, he can’t bring himself to lose it, not even for the person who brought sunlight and colors back into his life. Not to mention he couldn’t take skating away from Yuuri either. Even if Celestino has no rules about dating like Yakov does, Yuuri would be bound to lose the sponsorships he rather desperately needs if it came out he was involved with a fellow competitor. Not that Viktor thinks Celestino would be particularly happy about that either.

Viktor loves Yuuri. That is a fact. But as long as they’re competing against each other, he mustn’t be more than his friend. Years ago, he’d even sworn he’d never let himself be ruined by something so foolish as feelings or love. That he wouldn’t repeat the mistakes of Mikhail.

But that was before he knew how cold the ice really is, wasn’t it? As much as Viktor may have found his love for skating again, he won’t be able to pretend that the ice can really bring love or warmth into his life anymore. He will carry the knowledge that it can’t for the rest of his life. He has also learned and found out that a life without love is a bleak and sad one. Even if he may never be able to love Yuuri the way he truly wants, he knows he can’t stay away from him either. Because Yuuri is life and Yuuri is love, and Viktor will also carry the knowledge of that in his heart for the rest of his life.

It is only when Yakov taps his shoulder to Viktor’s that he snaps out of his thoughts to finally witness his scores. After the short programs, he’s now in first place.

There are only five points between himself and Yuuri. It’s anyone’s game in the free program in a few days.

…

“Yuuri!” Viktor calls out right as he enters the green room, not caring about anything or anyone else. He was further delayed from entering by the press, and now he just wants to see and talk to Yuuri. Nothing much else matters. And it seems as though it doesn’t have to either, because Yuuri appears to have been waiting for him, ready as he is to run over to him and practically jump into his embrace as soon as Viktor is in from the door. Viktor holds him greedily in his arms, soaking in his warmth and his shine. Viktor soaks up the loveliness that is Yuuri, letting himself be intoxicated by the scent of him, the mix of the sweat drying on his skin, the shampoo in his hair and the laundry detergent he must use on his skating jacket.

He holds onto Yuuri tighter, as Yuuri starts to whisper in his ear, “You were…” he says, his voice like a soft warm summer wind that tickles at Viktor’s lobe and hair. “You were incredible. I watched you. It…it made me cry.”

Viktor longs more than anything to ask Yuuri if he understood the program, if he saw the emotions in it and if he realized what Viktor was trying to say with it, especially to him. But this is not the place for that. All of that is far too personal and Viktor can’t fool himself into thinking he will be able to keep a hold of his tongue and what he says. He can’t risk that they might be overheard. He must wait at least until dinner to talk about it for now.

“So were you,” he says instead, and it’s one of the most honest things he could’ve uttered at that moment. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you. That was a program I wouldn’t have minded losing to.”

Yuuri snorts into his shoulder at that. “Don’t be silly.”

But Viktor thinks it’s probably the least silly thing he’s ever said. Yuuri will go far yet, and he knows it. Perhaps Yuuri can’t believe it yet, but Viktor knows what he can do, especially if he keeps working as hard as he has been and not giving up. And if he’s learned something about Yuuri, it’s that he doesn’t give up. Viktor has finally found his match, an equal and a true challenger on the ice. He knows it’s only a matter of time before Yuuri will start to overtake him. He just hopes he can believe in it enough for the both of them until that day comes.

…

Sooner than Viktor would like, it’s time for everyone to talk to the media a bit more before taking showers and changing back into their normal clothes. All of this unfortunately means that Viktor barely gets to see Yuuri before it’s time for them to leave the arena. Yuuri texts him afterwards to let him know he has to stop by at his hotel to change into something more suitable for dinner and to have a talk with his coach, so Viktor agrees to come fetch him in a few hours. After all, he can’t really show up for dinner in his tracksuit either.

As he picks out his outfit for the night in his apartment with Makkachin as his judge, Viktor finds himself getting more and more nervous. Before, he’d decided to talk to Yuuri further about his short program and what he meant to say with it over dinner. But the more he allows himself to think about telling Yuuri, the more it terrifies him. What if Yuuri didn’t understand what the program was trying to say? Or worse, what if he thinks Viktor is being silly, or just making it all up? Viktor objectively has everything he could ever want, so what reason does he have for feeling the way he’s been feeling? What if he thinks Viktor is just making it all up it to make a connection, to try and make them have something in common through their struggles?

As he’s contemplating all of this while trying on his different suits, however, he happens to glance at himself in his full-body mirror. His eyes meet his own in the glass, and then find the hair on his head; the way it’s cut short like always. Almost without thinking about it, he reaches to touch the strands of it at his neck and by his face, not terribly unlike he had with Yuuri’s growing hair just a few hours before.

Yuuri hadn’t made fun of him when he’d told him the story about his hair. He’d been understanding, and kind, and hadn’t judged Viktor at all. In some ways, he’d seemed almost relieved and happy to get to know something so personal about Viktor, something no one else is privy to. The only way now is forward. All Viktor can do now is keep on walking this path he’s chosen. He only needs to keep reminding himself that the very reason he cares so much for Yuuri is Yuuri lets him be himself, and actually likes him as he is. Even if he may perhaps never be able to be with Yuuri the way he truly wishes, remaining himself is the only way he can be with Yuuri at all.

Thinking about it this way helps ease his nerves somewhat as he goes over to pick Yuuri up. Today he’s decided he’s taking Yuuri out properly, so they can celebrate their common success in the most appropriate and suitable way by taking him to his favorite fancy restaurant. They may have to skip out on dessert, but Viktor is determined to wine and dine Yuuri the best he can tonight. He even offers to take Yuuri’s coat for him as they prepare to take their seats.

As soon as Viktor sees what Yuuri has on underneath his winter coat, however, he can’t help but immediately blurt out, “Yuuri, I say this with all my affection, but what in the world are you wearing?”

Yuuri blinks, eyes slightly wide with confusion. “A…suit?”

“That is not a suit,” Viktor laments. “That is a cheap, unfitted, store-bought… _get-up_ masquerading as a suit.”

Yuuri blinks a few times, as if to try and process Viktor’s words. “You told me to wear a suit,” he says. “This is the only one I have. You’ve never said anything about it before.”

_Because I was always too dazzled by just getting to be with you_ , Viktor realizes, flushing. Instead, of voicing that thought, however, he says, “Well, I’m saying something now,” joined with, “How long have you had that, exactly?”

Yuuri’s cheeks begin to grow a bit pink, but not quite in the way Viktor has come to both expect and adore from him. Instead, his face looks quite pinched, his brows in a furrow and his lips downturned as he keeps biting on them. He looks almost…ashamed.

“Since I was in high school,” Yuuri admits, voice low. And, as soon as – no, even before – he says the words, Viktor already feels bad. It’s sometimes far too easy for him to forget that not everyone grew up with family money like he did, that not everyone has had as easy a time with finances as he does. Money is just about the only thing Viktor has never lacked from his family, but he knows for Yuuri it’s much different.

And now he’s being condescending and rude.

“Yuuri, I’m sorry,” he says, wanting to reach over to touch his shoulder in a gesture of comfort, but refraining in case Yuuri wants him to stay back. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Yuuri says nothing for a while, just stands still without looking at Viktor. Finally, quietly, he murmurs. “I know,” he says, softly. “But if you wanted to bring someone who can dress to impress here, maybe you shouldn’t have brought me.”

“No, Yuuri, no,” Viktor hurries to cut in, stepping over to Yuuri as well, unable to resist grabbing onto his shoulder any longer. “I brought you here because I wanted to celebrate _you_. I wouldn’t have taken just anyone. I wanted to bring _you_. Don’t ever think you don’t fit in somewhere I want to take you. You’ll always be the loveliest person in the room for me, even in an old, cheap suit.”

For a moment, Yuuri says nothing, just staring up into Viktor’s eyes. Viktor lets him, trying to figure out what Yuuri might be thinking of through his eyes; if he’s made things better or worse now. Thankfully, not long after, Yuuri’s shoulders begin to relax a little, and he even offers Viktor a small smile, his cheeks flushing a bit red in a much better way now. Viktor offers him a smile in return, taking in a short, relieved breath for himself. By the time they take their seats in the booth, the situation feels calmer once more.

Still, perhaps because he can’t stop looking at the suit and tie Yuuri’s wearing from across the table and perhaps because he’s never been the most tactful person in the world, Viktor continues, “You could try to look into a sponsorship deal with a men’s clothing line. They would probably give you the suit you modelled for them afterwards. That’s how I’ve gotten most of mine, too.”

Yuuri snorts a little at that. “What clothing line would want someone like me?”

Viktor blinks. “More than a few, I’d think,” he says, and reaches over to touch Yuuri’s hand. “Yuuri, I believe you still may need to work on not underselling yourself. You’re a Worlds bronze medalist and a Grand Prix Final hopeful; a fresh beautiful face in the figure skating scene. I imagine there will be dozens of labels wanting to sign you, even here. All you have to do is put in some work.”

Yuuri blushes sweetly again, though he doesn’t quite smile at Viktor’s words, instead settling for biting his lip in thought.

“You should think about it at least,” Viktor says, gentler now. “It would do you good to have at least one good suit to wear. Your work with the press is only going to increase rather than diminish in the future, I imagine, and you’ll likely be needing it later in your life as well. A good suit will bring with it a good image.”

“…I’ll think about it,” Yuuri says, and his tone seems to indicate he’s done with this part of the conversation. So for now, Viktor lets it lie, even if he can’t quite stop giving the hideous striped blue tie Yuuri has on rather unpleasant looks. Even changing that would improve Yuuri’s appearance by quite a bit, he’s certain.

Well. That Viktor might at least be able to help him with. After all, Yuuri’s birthday is quite soon. Perhaps Viktor can buy him a tie as a present. Offering to buy him a whole suit might be a bit too much too soon. Not to mention Viktor would need to know his measurements for that, and that would rather ruin the surprise of the gift.

The two of them remain silent for a while as they browse their menus, but it’s thankfully not a very awkward silence. They’re both likely just rather deep in thought as well as weary from the day and needing a few moments to recuperate. Still, he would prefer to talk to Yuuri so they can put the unpleasant start to the evening behind them and have some fun together while they still can. As his eyes scan the menu, an idea comes to him.

“Would you like to have some wine to start with? Do you have any preferences?” he asks. He’s not sure how much Yuuri knows about wines, but he’s more than willing to teach him and to negotiate with the waiter if need be. He just hopes he can do it without coming off as condescending again.

Yuuri looks up from the menu. “I probably shouldn’t be drinking during competition,” he says, sounding a bit apologetic and sheepish. “Especially if I need to take that sleeping pill tonight. The instructions say I shouldn’t mix them with alcohol.”

Viktor nods in understanding, turning the page of his menu away from the wine list. He can’t fault Yuuri for wanting to stay focused during a competition.

“Do you think you’ll need the pill? Are you getting nervous?” he asks, concerned.

“Not yet, not more than usual. I’ve had enough to distract me today to not think about it too much,” Yuuri says. “But nights are hard. It’s difficult to remember to keep thinking about positive things when I’m trying to relax and fall asleep.” Viktor knows the feeling better than well. “And the expectations are really high right now, after the short program.” He chuckles humorlessly towards the end as if to laugh the nerves away, before averting his eyes momentarily.

“Speaking of the short programs…” Viktor muses, his heartrate picking up even as he says it. But he’s unlikely to find a better opening, and he’s always been a believer of seizing opportunities as they come. “Are you…are you satisfied with how you did?”

Yuuri shrugs. “I mean…I guess? I think I managed to convey what I wanted. And I didn’t fall, which is always a plus.”

Viktor chuckles gently. “Trust me, you have more than a reason to be proud,” he says, squeezing Yuuri’s hand in his. “Aside from skating a clean program, the way you portrayed your emotions on the ice was even more magnificent than me tonight. No, I mean it,” he says when it looks like Yuuri’s about to argue. “It’s outrageous your score wasn’t higher than mine.”

“I don’t know about that,” Yuuri says. “Your program, it was…I was so sucked into the story. I can’t even find the words to describe it properly…it felt so real…”

Viktor takes in a breath. No time like the present. “That’s because it _was_ real.”

Yuuri blinks. “What?”

“It was real. That was…with that program I was trying to show how I’ve been feeling for a long time, now. I’ve been asleep, Yuuri. Everything has been numb. Nothing has felt like anything, nothing has mattered to me.” He takes in a steadying breath. “It started when I got hurt. It made me realize how little I had in life besides skating. How alone I was. I thought it would all go back to normal and that feeling would vanish once I could skate again…but it didn’t. In all honesty, everything just became worse after that. I realized that no matter how much I gave to the ice, it couldn’t give me anything back. No love, no warmth. And yet I kept skating because it was all I knew to do.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri gasps, and is quick to squeeze Viktor’s hand back fiercely tightly. Much like everything about Yuuri, the hand is warm to hold, and Viktor clutches to it, using it as an anchor. “I…I don’t know what to say…” he pauses. “I had wondered, after your programs and theme last year. It was so sad…and it felt so real.”

“It was,” Viktor says. “I was hoping showing everything I felt would change something…but it didn’t. Not that.”

“Not that?” Yuuri asks. “Did…did something then? The program today…it seemed to end on a hopeful note. Like something was changing.”

“It was. You’ll see what I mean better when you see my free program. And something has changed in me, as well.” He looks him deep in the eyes over the table, holding his hand all the while. “I’m not asleep anymore. That’s why my theme is ‘Awoken.’”

Yuuri smiles then; a soft cautious upturn of his lips. “I’m just glad you’re better now.”

“I am,” Viktor says. “I love skating again. And…I’m not alone anymore.”

“No,” Yuuri says, now reaching to take Viktor’s hand in both of his, and bringing it to touch the side of his face, as if to mimic the way Viktor had done out of his own volition earlier that day. It feels like an invitation, a notion of acceptance. “You’re not.”

Warmth spreads all over Viktor, right down to his marrow, and he allows himself to get lost in Yuuri’s eyes and caress his cheek and hair for quite some time. Yuuri doesn’t pull away and keeps looking back at him, his eyes sparkling gently. He doesn’t say anything, but Viktor thinks he understands. And Viktor understands in return, too. They both know what this is. It would be useless to deny it. The only question now is: what are they going to do about it?

Viktor allows his thumb a small caress over Yuuri’s bottom lip. It’s soft and smooth, and turns pinker along with Yuuri’s face over the touch. Viktor can feel the heat in his own cheeks too, and he smiles a little at Yuuri, before finally pulling his hand away.

Right now is not the time. They need to get through this competition first at least.

After that, Viktor will figure out what to do properly.

…

[Video]

**Viktor Nikiforov SP (The Sleepwalker) – Rostelecom Cup 20XX**

25,148 Views                                     

 

**iceprince** 1 h 15 min ago

wow, amazing!!!

**angelskates** 1 h ago

This is such a beautiful and emotional program! I cried ;.;.

**vityaswoman** 55 min ago

i want him to skate on me in that costume. he always looks so fucking hot in dark colors *^*.  

**sexonskates** 45 min ago

i would pay to suck his dick.

**quadflipped** 42 min ago

I can’t wait to see how this season progresses! Viktor’s really awesome of course but Yuuri’s also been making waves. Can’t wait to see how they both do in the free program!

**victorygod** 40 min ago

                      me neither. i hope they both make it to the final! i want more cute pics of them touring!

**pajama_onesie** 38 min ago

another really sad program tho, beautiful as it is :(.

                      **glorytochris** 34 min ago

yea its staring to get kinda repetitiv. we get it v, u have some angst even tho uve won five billion medals and hav mor $$$ than any1 of us could ever dream.

                      **vityaswoman** 30 min ago

                      hey shut the fff up, u dont kno anythin.

                      **glorytochris** 25 min ago

                      yea well neither do u so. u just think u do bc u watch him on tv and wank off while he skates.

                      **vityaswoman** 23 min ago

                      like u dont do the same for ur presh chris. and y do u even watch vitya if u hate him so much?

**shinyshinyshiny** 20 min ago

I like this costume much better than the one last year, sad as the program is :). So shiny and pretty! <3.

…

The day in-between the men’s short and free programs at the Rostelecom Cup passes with light practice for Viktor that is over before the day can even really start. Yuuri is busy with his own preparations for the following day, so Viktor has to content himself with just texting him and not seeing him in person. Given the circumstances, it might be for the best that they don’t see each other in private right now, painful as it is. Viktor’s not quite certain he would be able to keep a hold of his feelings and words, and no matter what he might feel or know in his heart, this is about the least favorable time for him to make any types of declarations of undying love for Yuuri. Therefore, instead, Viktor spends the rest of the day browsing his favorite menswear stores in the city, and leaves one practically skipping with giddiness and glee, as well as with a small wrapped package weighing in his coat pocket. If all goes well, he’ll be able to give it to Yuuri tomorrow.

They day of the free programs proceeds much the same as the day of the short programs. Viktor gets a lecture from Yakov he barely listens to, he completes the last ice warm-up, he finds Yuuri and the two of them stretch and warm up together backstage. The only thing that is really different is the fact that a few times, Viktor catches Yuuri looking a bit spaced-out, a bit pale, his eyes glassed over as if he’s deep in thought. He snaps out of it fairly quickly, however, not getting trapped in it like at Worlds. Afterwards he takes a few deep breaths, murmurs something underneath his breath and does a few especially deep stretches, coming out of them looking calmer. Still, he’s clearly more on edge today. And Viktor remembers what he’s said about distractions.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asks once Yuuri has finished another set of deep breaths. “Do you need me to distract you?”

“No, not yet I don’t think,” Yuuri murmurs. “Just…stay close for now. That’s enough. I’m managing, it’s just…”

Viktor nods. Yuuri now has tools to help him get through this, and they seem to actually be helping. All he can really do now is to hope Yuuri doesn’t let himself get so worked up he can’t come down from it, and be there for Yuuri no matter what.

Because today Viktor and Yuuri will be skating right after each other, they head out to the rink together. Despite his worry, Viktor can’t help but also be excited. This way, he’ll be able to watch Yuuri skate in person from the rinkside before his own turn. And maybe, just maybe, Yuuri might be able to stick around after he’s skated to watch Viktor, too.

They do a few final stretches before Celestino calls out for Yuuri to head to the ice. Before Yuuri can go, however, Viktor gently touches his shoulder to catch his attention, and Yuuri looks over his shoulder at him, eyes soft and expectant. Viktor pushes down the urge to touch Yuuri’s lips again for good luck. It wouldn’t do in a place like this, with dozens of cameras and hundreds of people surrounding them.

Instead, he murmurs, “Remember. It’s just you and the ice.”

Yuuri blinks at him, and with that blink, it looks almost like some kind of switch inside of him has been flipped. Viktor’s heart jumps right into his throat at the sight of that fire he’s come to know inside of Yuuri burning in his eyes. He knows he doesn’t have to worry anymore. Yuuri’s in fighting mode now, ready to show the world all that he’s capable of.

“Watch me, Vitya,” Yuuri murmurs back at him. “Don’t take your eyes off me.”

And for once, Viktor is helpless to say anything except what is on his mind right now, “As if I could never look away.”

Yuuri gives him a hint of a smile at that, some gentle warmth mixing in with the determined fire in his eyes. Then, with one final nod in his direction, Yuuri goes on his way to step onto the ice, allowing Celestino to take his blade guards and his jacket.

Viktor remembers being surprised by Yuuri’s costume choice for his free program this season when he first saw it in the livestream of Skate America. He knows from past pictures and videos that Yuuri has usually favored blues, whites and blacks in his outfits, and his short program costume is not too unlike that. It’s likely meant to work as a tribute to Yuuri’s past, but at the same time is more adult than his old outfits that helped create the image of Yuuri as a soft and innocent beauty on the ice.

But his free program costume is something completely different, and yet at the same time something that complements Yuuri’s theme, his change and transformation into a worthy competitor. The outfit is made of purples and dark blues, incredibly regal and challenging. It also has an open back and some feathers on the shoulders, like the beginning of a cape. A stash of deep red is tied around his waist that seems to reflect in the shades of his eyes. He looks quite like a young king, ready to take on the world and what rightfully belongs to him.

Both the music and the way Yuuri skates the program are as bold and powerful as the costume attached to them, too. Yuuri has clearly gotten into the right mindset of fighting spirit for the program, not allowing anyone to look away from him. He’s no longer a pure swan rising from his shackles or the young prince looking for his way; this is Yuuri, free, ready and _worthy_. He’s a man who is sure of what he can do, and will take the world by storm as he does it. He is showing the audience that he is worthy of their attention and faith, all his movements full of strength and beauty, the program packed to the brim with high-quality jumps to display this. Yuuri is challenging everyone that is watching, silently telling them he’s a force to be reckoned with, that he’s a hurricane that is just waiting to break out. That what they’ve seen from him so far is nothing; that he’s capable of so much more, of bigger and better things.

Despite Yuuri’s clear determination, however, the free program isn’t perfect; not in the way the short program was. Perhaps it’s Yuuri’s nerves getting to him after all, perhaps he’s taken on more than he can chew a bit too fast. The landing of a few of his jumps is slightly uncertain, but he thankfully only falls once. But in the long run, that doesn’t even really matter, because Yuuri’s displaying such feats of willpower and character that it would be criminal to look away even for a second. Yuuri is practically daring the audience to do so, silently telling them with every move he makes that they will be sorry if they do. Yuuri is worthy of their attention, and he will do all he can to keep it. A new king has been born on the ice.

When Yuuri finally strikes the final pose, this time by pointing towards the audience with his index finger, Viktor realizes that sometime during the routine, he’d forgotten he needs to breathe. He takes a few gasps of air, but it feels like there is a lump stuck in his throat. His whole being is tingling and shaking with spark and blood, his face especially heated up. And, somewhat embarrassingly, his pants are feeling rather unfortunately tight and his lower parts quite sensitive. But he supposes it can’t be helped. After all, seeing Yuuri all challenging and confident like that, and in person nonetheless…how could he not react the way he has? Viktor had had a somewhat similar, if slightly milder, reaction watching the livestream from Skate America, but this…this was just out of this world.

He imitates a few of the calming breaths Yuuri was taking for himself as well, trying to regain his focus. It doesn’t appear to be doing much for him, however. All he can see in his mind’s eye is the way that flame of challenge flashed in Yuuri’s eyes, the way he told Viktor to watch him, and how soft his lips felt underneath Viktor’s thumb a few nights previous. Viktor feels like he would give anything to be able to embrace Yuuri right now and kiss him. He can’t make his heartrate go down, can’t stop the emotions from storming inside of him, can’t stop looking for Yuuri at the Kiss & Cry.

“Vitya, focus,” Yakov’s voice breaks through his thoughts. “It’s almost time.”

Viktor shakes his head violently, finally managing to ground himself at least some. He has a job to do. Yuuri just showed him and the world all he had, giving Viktor the very best challenge he could. The best thing Viktor can do for him right now is to return the favor. Viktor never wants Yuuri to think he’d go easy on him, after all. That would be the biggest insult he could make. And hadn’t he promise that Yuuri would understand his words better if he watched Viktor skate his free program? He has a story to finish telling everyone here today, and especially Yuuri.

As he steps onto the ice, he does his best to follow his own advice for Yuuri and just focus on the way he feels as he glides across the smooth, glimmering surface. He takes in a few more calming breaths of the cool air in the arena, returns to the mindset of his free program, and stills to his opening pose in the middle of the rink. By the time the music starts, he’s calmed down and allows himself to be wrapped up in the routine he’s come to know so well. He moves gently to the sweet melody, a mimic of a love song and declaration. It’s perfect, because that’s what the program is all about, and what Viktor is portraying in it. The routine he’s created is a story of a man who finds a purpose to his life once more through an unexpected encounter that grows into a genuine connection and heartfelt emotion. It all eventually develops into deep affection and love, which in turn brings color and life back into Viktor’s life.

A complete contrast to his persona in the short program, in the free program Viktor can’t stop himself from smiling, both filled and giddy with joy, and yet completely serene for it. His skating is light and airy, full of gentle lover’s caresses and sweet longing. It’s all he feels in his heart, and it’s no effort to make his jumps look easy, almost like he’s merely floating or flying in the air. He’s just walking on air. Despite the sorrow that comes with being separated and the knowledge he may never be able to be with him the way he wants to, this is all how Yuuri makes him feel at its very purest.

He even chose his costume as a bit of a subtle tribute to Yuuri, with its blue and white tones, its soft lines and fabric. He and the designer worked together to create the image of an open summer sky with the costume, with some pure white clouds floating across, working as a contrast to the night and the sleep of his short program. With his light hair and blue eyes, Viktor himself has melted into the outfit, becoming a part of that daytime skyscape. Yuuri has made him warm again. He’s no longer the winter, but the springtime and the summer, all ready for new beginnings and at peace. 

So deep did he fall into the program once more that he barely hears the crowd’s cheers as he makes his way off the ice and to the Kiss & Cry. He lets himself enjoy that innermost peace for a while longer as he and Yakov wait for the scores, for once mostly in silence. Even Yakov doesn’t seem to have that much to say in terms of improvements here. It seems about right. After all, Viktor is fairly certain he already knows what the results will be. There is no doubt that Yuuri made a worthy opponent for him here, but it doesn’t erase the fact that his program did have technical mistakes. And this time around, Viktor’s didn’t. But it doesn’t matter. There are still competitions to come, even this very season, and he knows that Yuuri will only keep getting better. For now, Viktor can let himself just be proud of the both of them.

After confirming what he already knew, Viktor gives out a few quick comments to reporters before heading off to the green room. Yuuri is there to greet him with an embrace once more. Viktor holds him back tight, trying to pour everything he feels for right now into his arms and through them into Yuuri. He’s suddenly just feeling so much that he wishes, just a little, that he could cry.

“We did it, Vitya,” Yuuri whispers into his shoulder, breathless and disbelieving.

“I’ll see you in the Final,” Viktor murmurs in return, before pulling back from the embrace just enough to look Yuuri in the eyes. It’s another confirmation for him that he and Yuuri feel things much the same, because Yuuri actually is crying. His eyes are shining as the tears start to gather, and he’s never looked lovelier in Viktor’s eyes, all flushed and gentle and sweet. He’s reminded of that time on the podium at Worlds and the way Yuuri’s tears looked like pearls there. Now they look more like diamonds, and Viktor desperately longs to kiss them away, preferably following that with kissing every spot on Yuuri’s face he can reach.  

He also longs to ask again if Yuuri was able to watch him skate, if it’s made him understand what Viktor meant to say. But once more he knows he can’t. Not here. He must wait a bit longer still, even if it feels like he might be crushed by how much he _wants_ right now.

Thankfully, Yuuri proves to be an excellent distraction.

“I made it. My first Senior Grand Prix Final,” he gasps through the tears. “I almost can’t believe it.”

Viktor smiles, and pulls Yuuri close to him once more. “I always knew you could do it,” he murmurs into Yuuri’s ear, not even minding Yuuri’s tears are falling on his jacket as he strokes Yuuri’s hair down gently. “I expect you to bring me a real challenge. Skate as you did today, but even better. I can’t wait to see it.”

“I will. I promise I will,” Yuuri says tearfully, before pulling back from the embrace once more to face Viktor properly. There are still tears glistening in his eyes, but Viktor can see that determined spark in there as well, even as Yuuri’s cheeks start to glow in red. “Vitya, I…”

But before he can say anything more, the two of them and the bronze medalist of the day are called back to the arena to be awarded their medals. Once at the podium, Viktor glances down at his newest gold medal. He loved skating those programs, and had more fun with them than he’s had with skating in a long, long time, but the medal still feels cold and heavy around his neck. Yuuri is showing his silver off proudly at the audience as Viktor glances over at him. Watching him makes another painful lump materialize in his throat, but this time it’s more about sadness than longing and passion. All of this still feels so unfair to him. While it’s true that Yuuri hadn’t been flawless today, to Viktor, he was much more beautiful as he skated than Viktor ever could’ve been.

And now the competition is over, and Yuuri will be leaving him again soon. Viktor likely won’t be able to see him again until the Final. They both have a lot to do before then, after all. Viktor needs to get through Cup of China to even qualify for the Final first, and in the meantime Yuuri needs to keep perfecting his routines so he can avoid the mistakes he made today and be at his best at the Final. Viktor knows all of this better than well. But it doesn’t mean the thought of separation doesn’t create a bitter taste in his mouth.

He shakes his head a little. It’s no use to think about that now, when he should be enjoying his and Yuuri’s success and whatever little time they have left together. He should do his best to make the most of it all. And so, before he can second-guess himself, he grabs onto Yuuri’s hand and pulls him up on top of the podium with him. He barely remembers to do the same with the bronze medalist. He keeps his eyes on Yuuri, trying to memorize the happiness he can see reflected there for when he will start to miss him again. Yuuri’s returning his gaze, too, their eyes meeting so close by. There is a happy shine in the deep chocolate pool of his eyes, and even as Viktor wraps his arms around both Yuuri and the bronze medalist for pictures, he only really feels Yuuri’s warmth against his side. Yuuri’s arm around him, at his waist, is tight, like he doesn’t want to let go either. Viktor wouldn’t mind if he never did.

…

The following day is still full of work and buzzing around, with the exhibition skates and the additional press conferences. The day goes mostly without any problems, other than the fact Viktor barely gets any chances to see or talk to Yuuri. He naturally admires his exhibition skate from the sidelines and embraces him after, but Yuuri is quite immediately called off to do more interviews and doesn’t have a moment to spare for Viktor. Viktor performs his own piece and then heads off to finish his own press duties, saying lines he’s rehearsed in his head and even said in other interviews before. It all muddles together for the most part, aside from the answers the reporters manage to get out of Yuuri at the press conference for the three medalists. 

“I am grateful to everyone who has supported me to get this far, especially my family and friends, and of course my coach, Celestino,” Yuuri speaks into the microphone with a somewhat shaky voice and blushing cheeks, clearly aware of all the eyes following him and all ears listening to his words. “I will do my best at the Grand Prix Final, so I hope everyone will keep on supporting me until then.”

After the press conference finally finishes, it’s time to start getting ready for the banquet. Viktor returns home for a shower and a change of clothes, while Yuuri heads back to his hotel. Viktor takes some time to relax as he washes up, spoiling himself with his special soaps and then going through his skin and make-up routine meticulously, before dressing up in one of his nicest suits for the occasion and doing his hair. This is about the only part of the banquets he likes anymore; the excuse to pamper himself and make himself appear flawless. But for this banquet he puts even more extra effort in, right down to making sure he smells incredible for the occasion. It’s not just sponsors he wants to impress this time around, after all.

He takes a cab from his apartment building to the hotel where most skaters are staying and the banquet will be held. After all, he’ll likely be drinking and it wouldn’t do to drive afterwards, especially since it may be a late night. On his way, he takes out his phone and sends out a quick text to Yuuri.

_From: Me_

_can u meet me b4 the banquet?_

_From: Yuuri_

_Sure? Is something wrong?_

_From: Me_

_no, alls well. i just wanna see you b4 ever1 else. alone._

_From: Yuuri_

_Okay. Wait for me outside the ballroom, I’ll meet you there._

As soon as Viktor arrives at the hotel, he heads for the correct floor, and as instructed, waits outside the ballroom. He busies himself on his phone for a while, until he can hear the elevator doors open nearby and sees Yuuri coming towards him with a happy smile on his face. He’s wearing the same awful suit and tie he had on at their dinner as well, and Viktor can’t help but think he didn’t act a moment too soon. Yuuri may be lovely, but his attractiveness truly gets swallowed up by that terrible outfit, and tonight especially he needs to be at his best.

“Vitya!” Yuuri says as a form of greeting upon reaching Viktor. “What’s going on? Why did you want to meet me?”

Viktor raises a single sculpted eyebrow. “Isn’t it enough to say I wanted to spend some more time with you?” Viktor says, both sincere and teasing at the same time.

Yuuri flushes slightly. “Maybe,” he says, but doesn’t back down. “But I have a feeling there is more to this than that.”

Viktor chuckles. “Well, your instincts are quite sharp then,” he says, and pulls out the thin white package with a shining golden ribbon wrapped around it that he brought along with him, holding it in his hand between their bodies. “It’s slightly early I know, but I wanted to give this to you now, in person, rather than have it sent over to you by mail. And it would delight me greatly if you wore it tonight,” he smiles. “Happy birthday, Yuuri.”

Yuuri blinks, before for a moment just staring down at the package. Then, slowly, with a trembling hand, he reaches over to take it. “Thank you…”

Having been given a permission already, Yuuri is quick to open the gift. He’s gentle not to break the gold ribbon as he undoes it, and after removing it he pockets it like a keepsake. He’s equally gentle, almost hesitant, as he takes off the top half of the package and reveals the dark blue silk tie that lies within.

He rises his eyes up to Viktor’s face, unreadable expression on his own. “Vitya…”

“I hope you like it,” Viktor says, trying to sound nonchalant and calm, even as he’s sweating on the inside. “I picked it out myself.”

For a moment, Yuuri merely alternates between staring at the tie and at Viktor with wide, wonderous eyes, as if he can’t quite believe what he’s seeing. Viktor only hopes that that’s a good thing. Finally, slowly, Yuuri reaches out to stroke the material of the tie with gentle fingertips, as if he’s afraid it might vanish of break if he’s not careful with it.

And then, suddenly, he just lets out a laugh.

“Oh, Vitya,” he manages to utter between what seem to be uncontrollable bubbles of laughter. Viktor doesn’t think he’s ever heard him laugh like this, and he can feel the vibrations of it down in his very bones. He just wishes he could enjoy it more properly, without having to worry about what it might _mean_ right now.

He lets Yuuri laugh as long as he needs to, until he calms into slight hiccups and wide smiles, before softly muttering out a, “Yuuri?”

“Never mind,” Yuuri says, flapping his hand down as a gesture of evidently hoping Viktor will leave it alone. So Viktor does, and says nothing more as Yuuri begins to loosen his old tie around his neck until he can safely remove it from above his head. Afterwards, he holds the new tie, still laying in its package, over back towards Viktor. “Help me put it on? Since you bought it and all.”

“S-sure,” Viktor mutters, still feeling a bit uncertain about what Yuuri is thinking, exactly. Regardless, he allows Yuuri to lead him towards the public bathrooms located nearby, so he can use the mirrors there to help him guide his hands with tying the tie around Yuuri’s neck into a perfect knot. Although Viktor has become more than well-versed in this particular art over the years, his hands have never seemed to shake so much as he works, slowing the process down. He’s almost worried he’s leaving sweaty fingertips on the brand-new tie, too, as he feels the body heat of Yuuri’s back on his chest, positioned as they are nearly as though Viktor was embracing him from behind.

Still, even as they don’t speak at all during the process, Viktor can’t help but once again relish in the way he gets to be so casually close to Yuuri and touch him quite intimately like this. He can feel his every breath vibrate through his body, joined together as they are. It brings up images of the two of them getting together for a dinner party with friends, as if they’re a couple who just enjoys helping each other with their ties, rather than two competitors who are about to go and sweet-talk some sponsors.

Nervous as he is, Viktor finishes with the knot quite quickly. He spends a few more moments making sure the tie is straight, just so he can be close to Yuuri like this a little while longer. But finally, he has to concede the two of them can’t stay like this forever, and brings his hands to rest on Yuuri’s shoulders, as if to show him off to himself and the world in the mirror.

“There,” he murmurs into Yuuri’s ear. It evidently tickles Yuuri because Viktor can feel him shiver slightly. Viktor rather knows the feeling. “Much better. Deeper colors suit you, Yuuri. Perhaps I will buy you red next time.”

Yuuri still doesn’t say anything, only showing he heard Viktor at all by placing his hands over Viktor’s on his shoulders.

Finally, Yuuri breaks the silence with, “I should go now. Celestino will come looking for me.”

Viktor nods, unable to come up with any good reason to ask Yuuri to Yuuri stay any longer, and instead just follows him out of the bathroom and towards the banquet.

…

Having been one of the best skaters in the world for many years now, Viktor has attended many a banquet, to the degree that they’re all rather starting to blur together. It’s always the same people and the same topics of discussion, the same ballrooms and the same foods and drinks being offered. He tries his best to present himself well to the sponsors, but tonight he’s hopelessly distracted for the most of the proceedings, more or less consciously looking for Yuuri in the crowds. He is fairly easy to spot with his dark hair and cheap suit, not to mention the height and hairdo of his coach by his side. From what Viktor can see, Yuuri looks rather nervous for much of the event, his shoulders and smiles tense and his face pale. But he’s clearly making an effort and doing his best, and it’s enough to make Viktor secretly a little proud of him. It is, after all, quite important that Yuuri do well here as well as in competitions.

From the conversations he’s had with Yuuri, Viktor has been able to gather that Yuuri’s parents have needed to make sacrifices and work hard to get Yuuri to where he is. That means Yuuri is only going to need more sponsors to support him as he moves onto a higher level in his skating career, if only so he doesn’t feel so much like a burden to his family. Given the warm way Yuuri describes them and the fact that they’ve clearly had enough faith in their son to help him get this far, Viktor is quite certain they don’t think anything of the sort, but he also knows how much perceptions can vary from one person to another. He knows this especially well about Yuuri. Therefore, if being able to support himself and his skating through his own means brings relief on Yuuri’s conscience and otherwise makes life easier for him, it’s all the better for him to get sponsorships.

It is this thought alone that keeps Viktor away from Yuuri for most of the night. He doesn’t want to distract Yuuri or accidentally draw the attention of his possible supporters onto himself. Therefore, he makes himself stay away even though Yuuri is basically the only person in here Viktor is actually interested in talking to.

It’s a few hours into the banquet that Viktor finds himself glancing over at Yuuri yet again, but this as he does, time Yuuri’s eyes meet his from across the room. He looks decidedly uncomfortable with his forced and strained smile and tense shoulders, and seems to be gesturing towards the balding old men he’s now talking to with his eyes. Viktor realizes he recognizes the pair, and with that, all self-restraint seems to vanish from his body. Yuuri clearly needs him now. That if anything is a good enough reason to intervene.

He makes his way over to Yuuri in a few quick strides, and before anyone can say anything, simply asks, “Yuuri, would you like to dance with me?”

“What?” Yuuri squeaks, clearly taken aback. Viktor does his best to mimic Yuuri’s earlier gestures with his eyes, trying to communicate to him silently that he’s here work as an excuse so Yuuri can get away from these people like he seemed to be asking him to do from across the room. He can leave Yuuri alone again after that if he needs to. Thankfully, Yuuri is quick enough to catch on, smart as he is. “Oh! Sure, of course.”

Viktor smiles, and holds out a hand for Yuuri to take. Once Yuuri does, he leads him to the dance floor where a few other pairs are swaying to the soft and quiet music.

“Thank you,” Yuuri murmurs as they, too, begin a dance. It’s very gentle and slow, but Yuuri works his body beautifully to the rhythm, like Viktor had expected he would. His musicality really is out of this world, both on the ice and off it. “I was getting a bit overwhelmed with all the small talk.”

“I’ve encountered those men in the past myself,” Viktor says in return, keeping his tone soft enough not to be overheard but still laced with contempt. “It might be best if you stay away from them. They’re not good people.”

“I kind of got that feeling,” Yuuri says. “I just didn’t know how to get away without offending them.” He smiles up at Viktor. “I’m glad you came to get me.”

“Not as glad as I am,” Viktor says, as he allows Yuuri to depart from his body for a bit, but still holding onto his hand, before pulling him back to him in a spin. “I honestly wanted to come to you earlier, but I didn’t want to distract you or the sponsors.”

“I would’ve enjoyed your company more than theirs,” Yuuri says. “I’m not…I’m not very good at these types of events. It’s hard for me to talk to people, to make them like me. It seems so superficial, and it makes me feel like I’m lying to them, trying to scam them out of their money.”

“Believe me, most of them want to be scammed out of their money. Otherwise they wouldn’t be here. And they do get something out of it too: a young fresh beautiful face for their brand.” Yuuri blushes lightly at the compliment, and Viktor allows himself to delight in the sight of it. “Still, if you wish, I can stick closer to you at banquets from now on. I can introduce you to people, and assist with making the talking proceed a bit smoother, perhaps.”

“That’d be nice,” Yuuri says, and Viktor smiles.

Then, suddenly, Yuuri dips him, and Viktor laughs.

They keep on dancing. It’s the most fun Viktor has had at a banquet for a long time. Yuuri really is a marvelous dancer, and moving together with him allows Viktor an excuse to be close to him for a fairly platonic reason. He can feel the heat Yuuri’s body gives off against his own, can look him deep in the eyes and lean close enough to smell his natural scent and shampoo. As the night progresses and Viktor grows vaguely aware of the eyes following his and Yuuri’s dance, he thinks he wouldn’t mind if he could stay like this forever, locked in this moment of time with Yuuri.

Alas, all good things eventually have to come to an end. Some of the people are starting to depart the banquet and Celestino wants Yuuri to talk to them for a final time before the night draws to an end. Yuuri also has a fairly early flight tomorrow back to the States, so he needs to start heading off. But honoring his words from before, this time Viktor stays close by to Yuuri rather than a whole room away. He follows the situation nearby to see if Yuuri is getting more uncomfortable than necessary, and breaks into the conversation bearing champagne if the talk seems to be getting too stifled.

He and Yuuri are talking to a fairly nice younger couple together when Celestino approaches them, touching Yuuri’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Yuuri, we should go get some rest now,” he says.

“You go ahead, coach. I’ll be right there,” Yuuri says, giving him a polite smile.

Celestino raises an eyebrow at that, clearly shocked Yuuri’s not taking the first and fastest chance to leave the party. Still he’s quick to catch himself to say, “All right. But don’t stay too much longer, okay?”

“Okay,” Yuuri promises, and turns back to conversing with the couple alongside Viktor. It lasts for another few minutes before the two of them make their excuses.

“I should really go,” Yuuri says as he and Viktor are already making their way towards the entrance of the ballroom.

“I’ll walk you to your room,” Viktor says.

“You don’t have to do that,” Yuuri says.

“I know,” Viktor says. “But I want to. Even though I mostly wanted to meet you to give you your present, I also meant what I said. After tonight, we likely won’t be able to see each other in person you until the Final. I want to spend as much time with as I can before that.”

Yuuri doesn’t say anything to that, but Viktor can see he’s smiling, his cheeks a little pink. It’s enough for Viktor to gain the courage to be slightly bolder, and he grabs a hold of Yuuri’s hand as they step outside the ballroom and away from prying eyes. He keeps his touch and hold light enough that Yuuri can easily pull away if he doesn’t welcome them. But rather than do that, he instead merely closes his hand around Viktor’s and gives it a warm squeeze. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel like he’s just holding Viktor’s hand anymore; it’s more like he’s holding his very heart, warm and safe and close.

They make their way to the elevators, and that’s when Yuuri speaks.

“Today has been almost like a dream…Vitya,” he says, a bit hesitant around the familiar form of address. Viktor smiles at him, at that, trying to give Yuuri the same courage Yuuri gives him. It seems to help, because Yuuri continues. “I almost can’t believe it’s been real.”

“You made it happen,” Viktor murmurs, turning his body to face Yuuri properly. “Everything you do, all that you touch…you make all of it real and wonderful. I can’t begin to tell you how much meaning you’ve brought into my life, Yuuri. You make me _feel_ alive. You make me feel…”

“Awoken?” Yuuri whispers. His eyes are sparkling again as they look deep and right into Viktor’s. It feels almost like Yuuri is looking straight into his soul. Before he can say more, however, Yuuri jumps slightly, seeming to realize what he just said. “Um, I mean, I don’t want to assume-”

“You’d be right to assume,” Viktor breathes. Everything is starting to grow a little blurry at the edges now. The surroundings seem to disappear from around the two of them, and all Viktor can focus on are himself and Yuuri. All he hears is his own thrumming heart and rushing blood in his ears. All he can see is Yuuri’s beautiful face, his eyes constantly switching between looking at his pink lips and shining eyes. Yuuri’s so close to him he can feel his warmth radiating off his body, creating that same spark of stars across his skin that always seems to follow Yuuri’s touch on him, and smell his soft natural scent. By the way Yuuri’s throat moves in a swallow and how his breath hitches, he can taste the expectations and the mood of the situation as much as Viktor can.

The two of them barely pay attention as the elevator arrives, and they don’t take their eyes off each other or stop holding each other’s hands between them even as they side-step inside of it. Otherwise they don’t move even a little.

It’s only as the elevator doors grow shut that Viktor finds himself, without even making a conscious effort to do so, drawing closer and closer to Yuuri. His gaze is now almost hyperfocused on his soft open mouth, and the way Yuuri just lightly licks at his lips in anticipation. They don’t say anything, but Viktor knows they’re both aware of what is about to happen. Yuuri’s moving closer to him as well now, and Viktor allows his eyes to fall closed softly as the two of them finally meet in the middle, touching their lips together in an intimate kiss.

The first touch is gentle and light, hesitant and uncertain, but as soon as Viktor gets a taste of Yuuri’s soft mouth, he immediately finds himself growing greedy and hungry for more. It seems that those stars he only ever got few glimpses of whenever he would touch Yuuri apparently were residing in Yuuri’s mouth, because Viktor can now sense them, stronger and brighter than ever, all over his skin and shining behind his eyelids. Viktor wants to invite all of them, all of Yuuri, inside of him and never let him go. He wants to make them burst in light and color inside of him so nothing will ever be gray in his life again.

Yuuri’s lips are a bit chapped against his, dry from the cold air of the ice rink, but they’re as soft and plump as Viktor has ever dreamed they would be, and his mouth his warm and sweet and wet. Viktor wraps him in his arms and holds him tightly against his own body, one hand at his back and the other in his growing dark hair, running through the smooth strands. He can now properly touch Yuuri, to feel his warmth, his hard muscles through his would-be suit. It’s been so long since Viktor has been close like this to anyone, but that’s not what makes it so wonderful. Viktor has a feeling he wouldn’t even care if it was technically awful. All he cares about it that it’s Yuuri, and he loves Yuuri and wants to stay close to him forever.

In all honesty, it really is quite far from perfect in technical terms. Both of them are clearly a bit too eager to the point they’re almost devouring each other for it to be ideal. There is just a bit too much teeth and spit involved for that. Additionally, while Yuuri has his arms around Viktor now too, he seems hesitant with how and where to touch. His hands are light where they have landed at his back, and he keeps moving them around. Perhaps he’s just trying to figure out if this is real. Viktor can certainly understand that. He’s not quite convinced it’s real either.

Yuuri’s clumsy with what to do with his lips as well to start with, but once Viktor actually manages to get his brain to work properly again and slows down a little, Yuuri is fast to follow his example and lead. Viktor suppresses a laugh at the thought that this is not so different from when he guides Yuuri with his skating as Yuuri quickly starts mimicking what Viktor is doing. After that the mood grows a lot less rushed and frantic and more romantic and at ease as the two of them gently but passionately explore each other, touching and kissing and relishing in the intimacy. Viktor allows himself to fall under again and lose control for a bit, lose himself in Yuuri and his mouth and in this moment. For now, he wants to enjoy all of it and not think about anything or anyone else. It’s just him and Yuuri in the world right now. Nothing else matters.

Sooner than he’d like, however, the outside world is quick to remind both Viktor and Yuuri that it’s still out there and they’re not the only two people in existence. This happens in the form of the elevator starting to tremble slightly before it begins its ascend with them inside of it, causing them to part their lips from one another in shock. Neither one of the two of them had pressed any buttons when they stepped in, too focused on one another, so the fact that they’re moving means that someone else must have pressed a button to call the elevator in one of the upper floors.

That thought seems to hit both of them like a freight train at the exact same time, judging by the way Yuuri’s face twists in a horror that Viktor can quite clearly feel welling up inside his own belly as well. They just made out in an elevator for God knows how long, and it’s quite obvious by the way they look right now, their faces and lips flushed and their hair and suits mussed. If they’re seen by anyone else right now, it will surely rouse far too many uncomfortable questions that they don’t have good answers for. Viktor could lose his contract with Yakov. Yuuri could lose the sponsorships he just spent most of the night working so hard to attain.

“Oh God,” Yuuri breathes, practically pulling himself away from Viktor, backing away to the opposite side of the elevator. He turns to take a quick look at himself in the mirror and then at Viktor, likely realizing what Viktor already has; they’re both a mess. “We can’t let anyone see us like this.” He immediately starts running his hands through his hair, trying to straighten it. It doesn’t do much to help. “Vitya, what are we going to _do_?”

Viktor is still slightly dazed, but he’s also a man used to coming up with solutions and back-up plans on his feet. It comes with the sport he’s made into his life’s purpose. He quickly turns to note what floor they’re at now before pressing a button for the next one and hoping for the best. He can barely breathe as he waits for the elevator doors to finally open to a thankfully empty floor.

“Come on,” he says to Yuuri, taking a hold of his wrist and pulling him out along with him. “We’ll take the stairs.”

They rush to the staircase right next to the elevator doors, and as Viktor suspected, it’s completely deserted. Who would want to take the stairs this late at night?

Viktor makes himself take a few calming breaths, his heart thrumming in a much more unfavorable way than it was just minutes before, before he turns his focus on Yuuri. What he sees immediately almost makes his heart stop, because Yuuri’s lowered himself to sit on the floor while leaning against the wall. His head is low, but his fists are clenching the fabric of his pants so tightly that they’re turning stark white under the fluorescent lights of the staircase. His shoulders are shaking, too. Viktor quickly recognizes these signs and lowers himself to his knees in front of Yuuri, trying to make himself think clearly and keep a calm mind. Yuuri needs him right now, he can freak out more later by himself.

“Yuuri,” Viktor says, making sure to keep his tone soft. “It’s all right now. No one saw us. Just breathe with me, all right? One, two three…” Yuuri takes in a deep breath with him and then lets it out as Viktor counts for him. Soon enough, he even reaches out and takes a hold of Viktor’s hand, grasping onto it for dear life. Viktor says nothing about that for now, and just counts for Yuuri and waits for his breathing to even out.

“That shouldn’t have…” Yuuri finally gasps out, his voice hoarse and tight. “We shouldn’t have…”

“Yuuri…” Viktor murmurs, trying to keep his voice even still, even as he feels almost like a hand of ice has gripped his heart in his fist at hearing those words. He’d been so sure that what they just did was a culmination of months and months of build-up, of something that they’ve both been carrying inside of themselves and could finally release now that they are in the same place at the same time. Of course he knows they should’ve waited it out enough to not have it happen in such a public place where anyone could’ve seen them if they had been paying only slightly less attention. He regrets what that could’ve led to.

But he doesn’t regret kissing Yuuri. Honestly, all he wants is to do it again, aware as he is of the consequences.

Perhaps that is where the true mistake of it lies. If Viktor had never grown to know the taste of Yuuri’s mouth and tongue, the feel of his body against his and his touch, the scent of his skin and the sounds that come from deep within his throat as they kiss, maybe he could’ve been spared from craving it so much as he now does. Because at the moment he feels like he may die if he never gets to kiss Yuuri again.

Viktor doesn’t say any of this, because Yuuri is still struggling to even properly take in air, no matter how much he feels like his heart could shatter right now. He just waits, keeps counting for Yuuri and breathing with him, trying to find some peace for himself in that as well. It takes a few more minutes, but Yuuri’s breathing finally evens out and he seems to be capable of speaking again.

“That was…” he murmurs, his voice still sounding hoarse but much steadier now.

Viktor swallows the painful, cold lump in his throat, trying to keep his voice steady as well even as he can feel his lips trembling, still slightly numb from their shared kisses. No matter what, he won’t push Yuuri into anything he doesn’t want. That he swears to himself and to him. Perhaps if he can do that, he can at least remain Yuuri’s friend, no matter what just happened. It would kill him to have Yuuri so close, knowing what it would be like to have him even nearer, but it would be far worse if he couldn’t even have a friend in him from now on.

So he bites the inside of his cheek and makes himself force out, “If you wish, we can never speak of it again.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri says, and Viktor allows himself to draw at least a small glimmer of hope for himself at the gentle sound of the diminutive. “What we just did…it was…it was such a bad idea. It _is_ such a bad idea.”

“I know,” Viktor admits sadly, squeezing Yuuri’s hand. He hasn’t let go of it all this time. Yuuri hasn’t tried to pull away either, and Viktor can’t quite bring himself to do it first. “But…I think you know how I feel.”

“How can you risk it?” Yuuri asks. “Your contract, your career…you have so much to lose here.”

“So do you,” Viktor says. “Sponsors are less likely to want you if they know you’ve been kissing your biggest competitor.”

Yuuri turns a little pink at the reminder, but is also clearly refusing to change the subject. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“We don’t have to,” Viktor says gently. “But I want to. More than I believe I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.”

Yuuri meets his gaze, eyes soft and searching. He looks deep into Viktor’s eyes for a long time, as if looking for some kind of truth there. Viktor lets him look, allowing himself to get lost in Yuuri’s brown pools in the meantime, taking all about Yuuri in. No matter the outcome, no matter what conclusion Yuuri arrives at, Viktor wants to remember how he looked at this moment and how he made him feel. This is a memory he knows he’ll carry with himself for the rest of his life, and he wants to make sure it stays as clear as possible in his mind.  

“…So do I,” Yuuri finally whispers, and Viktor’s world bursts into color once more. “It’s you, Vitya. It’s always been…you.”

“And you, for me,” Viktor murmurs, breathless from relief and happiness that seems to course through him like blood. He’s quite close to tears, he realizes, and gently rises up, pulling Yuuri to his feet by their joined hands as well in the process. Once they’re standing again, Viktor is quick to pull Yuuri in his arms once more, taking comfort in his warmth and burying his face in Yuuri’s shoulder. “I can’t just let you go. Not like this.”

Yuuri holds him tightly in return, stroking his back up and down like he knows exactly what Viktor is going through right now. “But how can we do this?” Yuuri murmurs into his ear, gentle and reverent. “As much as you mean to me, Vitya, I’ve…I’ve worked so hard in order to get this far in my skating. I can’t just pretend it all means nothing. I can’t let that go either. And I wouldn’t forgive myself or you if you did that for me either.”

“No, I don’t want to give that up either,” Viktor admits, barely able to keep his voice steady. “Not when I finally love skating again. I still want to keep competing. I still want to keep competing against _you_.”

“They will never let us, if they find out.”

“That’s just it,” Viktor says, and forces himself to pull back to look Yuuri in the eye, settling his hands on Yuuri’s shoulders, Yuuri’s own falling to hold him lightly around the waist. “They don’t have to know.”

“What…?” Yuuri gasps.

“We will keep on going as we have before. To everyone else, we’ll just be very good friends who enjoy spending time together during competitions. It’s not like we’re the only ones who do that. We’ll keep on texting and Skyping, I’ll still give you advice for your skating. We’ll compete against each other, be each other’s biggest challenger…but also each other’s biggest supporter and fan.”

“Can we…can we do that? Can we pull that off?”

“We won’t know unless we try,” Viktor says. “But this is what I want to do. It’s the only way I can have both things that are the most important to me in the world.”

“…I want that too,” Yuuri admits. “We’ll have to be careful though.”

“I know,” Viktor says, the vision of Mikhail passing through behind his eyelids. Here he is, after all. He’s doing the exact same thing Mikhail did, once, and yet unwilling to do anything different.

All he can do is hope it won’t end the same way.

“And I don’t want you to go easy on me in competitions,” Yuuri says. “I wouldn’t forgive you.”

“I won’t. In fact, I’ll work even harder to beat you. That’s how I’ll show my love,” Viktor says. “And I’d like for you to do the same, too.”

“I will, I promise,” Yuuri vows. It’s enough for Viktor to finally break out into a smile, which Yuuri returns. Dizzy with relief and happiness, Viktor can’t help but pull Yuuri back into another embrace; one which Yuuri again responds to most dutifully. Viktor allows himself to enjoy the warmth of it for a while as he waits for his heartrate to go down and his head to stop spinning.

Still, knowing they can’t lose the track of reality or time for the second time tonight, he eventually forces himself be the sensible one and say, “I should take you to your room now, before Celestino worries.”

“Yeah, probably…” Yuuri murmurs into his shoulder. And yet, he doesn’t pull away from Viktor, and Viktor doesn’t either.

A few more quiet and serene happy moments pass between the two of them before Viktor finally makes himself put an end to it, no matter how much it cuts him up inside. Letting Yuuri go already feels like tearing his own heart out, especially knowing that Yuuri is now his and yet tomorrow, he won’t be able to see him anymore or even kiss him goodbye before he leaves. He could never regret being with Yuuri, but he also can’t help but think how difficult it was to be apart from Yuuri when they were still only friends. How much harder will it be now that they’re more?

“Come on,” he manages to say, and starts to lead Yuuri up the stairs by the hand. “We should really go. You ought to get some sleep before your flight tomorrow.”

Yuuri nods, but doesn’t say anything. Viktor allows him that, and doesn’t say anything either. They’ve already said everything worth saying. Anything else would just feel empty and meaningless right now. Therefore, the walk to Yuuri’s floor passes in silence filled only by the sounds their shoes make on the floor and their breathing.

They eventually make it to Yuuri’s floor, and Viktor now allows Yuuri to guide him towards his room door, even as each step feels like a stab to his heart. Viktor doesn’t want to let him walk through that door, wants to keep him with him for at least a little bit longer, but if Celestino hasn’t managed to fall asleep yet, he’ll soon really start wondering why Yuuri is taking so long.

“Well…good night, Vitya,” Yuuri murmurs as they reach the correct door.

“Good night, Yuuri,” Viktor says. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Yuuri says. “So you better make it to the Final with me.”

Viktor almost laughs. For years now, only Yakov hasn’t seen it as a given that Viktor will make it to the Grand Prix Final. Even Viktor himself has started to take it for granted. Yuuri really is full of surprises, and Viktor loves him all the more for it. Viktor may love to surprise people, but it’s very rare that people surprise _him_.

“I will. The thought of you will carry me there,” Viktor says, but then hesitates. He should be on his way home as well, but he really wants to give Yuuri a goodnight kiss. He’s just not sure if that would be appropriate. Yuuri might still be shaken from earlier, and the two of them were already almost caught once. And what if Celestino were to open the door on them?

Before Viktor can think about it much further, however, or even consider asking Yuuri about it, Yuuri himself leans up and presses his lips to his cheek in a quick kiss. Viktor doesn’t even get the chance to even think or say anything; Yuuri’s already opened the door to his hotel room and shut it in his face after one final “Goodnight.”

And then, Viktor is left standing in the corridor with his heart in his throat and his cheeks burning. Yet another surprise. He can honestly say that he didn’t expect that.

For a while, he’s so stunned he can’t even make his legs move.

Eventually, however, he regains the feeling in his body and slowly makes his way back downstairs to asks the lobby personnel to call him a cab to take him home. Still, all through the waiting and the journey home, he feels almost like he’s floating on happiness. He’s only barely able to hold back his giddiness and jumps all the stairs up to his apartment even if he could just take the elevator.

Knowing he’s unlikely to fall asleep with so many emotions coursing through him, Viktor instead spends much of the rest of the night by telling all about his day to his dear Makkachin, who is always ready to listen and who won’t tell anything to anyone. Thankfully tomorrow is a rest day for him and he can sleep during the day if he needs to.

“Yuuri is so amazing, Makkachin. I know you know it too,” he sighs into the poodle’s curly fur. “I already can’t wait to see him again.”

No matter the consequences, he vows to himself that he will make this work. Yuuri is the reason he finally feels alive once more, and Viktor loves him so much. He won’t let that go, no matter what. Even if it’s risky, even if it’s dangerous…Viktor will do whatever he has to in order to keep Yuuri by his side, so long as Yuuri lets him. Only if Yuuri no longer wants him will he give him up.

…

Golden Girl @goldskates · 50 m

Vitya does it yet again! Congratulations on the #RostelecomCup gold! I’m sure he’ll do great at the #CupofChina too! #viktornikiforov

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 45 m

I really like the compare and contrast between his short and free programs this year! #RostelecomCup #viktornikiforov

 

Crystal Costume @shinysparkles · 43 m

I love the free program costume! <3\. It really highlights Viktor’s own colors! He hasn’t had costume with light colors in forever! #shiny

 

Bedridden @bedrider · 38 m

the contrast between the programs really is interesting. i wonder what it means. #viktornikiforov #RostelecomCup

 

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 35 m

im so proud of yuuri-chan for making it to the #GPF! keep doing your best yuuri-chan! fight fight fight! #katsukiyuuri #RostelecomCup

 

Blades on Ice @thebladeskater · 30 m

Yeah, Yuuri did so well! I’m really interested in seeing what the Final brings now! #RostelecomCup #katsukiyuuri

 

Yuuri’s Blue @blueisthenewblack · 27 m

I’m so proud of how far Yuuri-chan has come! Look at where he was last year and look at him now, nonbelievers!

 

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 25 m

I can’t wait to see Viktor and Yuuri face off in the Final again! #Victuuri #PodiumBaes

 

North Pole @poleofice · 20 m

gtfo @quadflipped, theyre clearly jus rivals. u r jus delusional. stfu b4 some1 actually gets in trouble.

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 15 m

[image] [image]

Still, you gotta admit they have some pretty heavy eye-contact on the podium. Like, all the time. #RostelecomCup #ParisWorlds #PodiumBaes.

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 10 m

What @glasshearts said. I’m calling it now, there’s something going on there. #Victuuri #PodiumBaes

…

A few weeks later, Viktor wins gold at the Cup of China, and therefore qualifies for the Grand Prix Final. He stands on the podium with love in his heart, and as he kisses his gold medal for the cameras, he imagines it’s Yuuri he’s kissing.

He’ll see him soon.


	7. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late. I went back to school this week and it's been slightly insane so I was unable to get this to my beta early enough. Afterwards we also had some technical difficulties. Thanks for understanding :).
> 
> This chapter contains sexual undertones.

Yuuri doesn’t get much sleep that night. His mind keeps returning to that moment in the elevator, to being surrounded by Viktor’s touch and smell in their own little world. His head doesn’t stop spinning even after he’s lain down in bed, his body thrumming with a mix of disbelief and happiness that seems to almost suffocate him. He can’t quite convince himself everything that just happened wasn’t all a dream, and yet if it was, he doesn’t want to wake up. He feels like he might burst at the seams from feeling this much, from the way those so very recent memories seem to consume him. He wants to laugh, wants to cry, but most of all, he just wants to be with Viktor.

And yet, he doesn’t quite know what to do about it all, what the right thing to do would be or how he should act. All he really knows is how he feels right now. Because here’s the thing: Yuuri has only ever had romantic feelings for maybe two people in his whole life.

The first one was Yuuko, years ago now. She was his first friend in the world, and he admired both her skating abilities and her strength as a person. She used to protect him when they were young, but she also included him in things most other kids left him out of, and challenged and encouraged him in becoming a better skater. Is it any wonder he would come to care for her as more than a friend and idol, with everything she meant and represented for him at the time? She was, after all, the first person to really have faith in him and his abilities, and was largely responsible for him growing into the person he is now.

Yuuri may always have loved skating, and by this point it’s become such an ingrained part of him, that at times it’s hard to figure out where skating ends and Yuuri begins, but it hadn’t always been so simple. He knew even as a young boy that paying for both skating and ballet lessons was putting a strain on his family’s finances, and he’d started seriously wondering if it was at all worth it for him to keep doing both. As much as he’d already loved skating, he’d felt inclined to choose ballet if it had come down to that. After all, the dance had been his first love, he knew he was fairly good at it and he also got a discount for the lessons with Minako-sensei because she and his mother were friends.

And yet, he couldn’t make himself stay away from the rink for more than a day at a time because he knew Yuuko would be there. Just the thought of seeing her used to be enough to make him happy, once. It also inspired more bravery in Yuuri than he thought himself capable of, enough that he was able to face up to the possibility that he might make a fool out of himself in front of the other kids at the rink. Yuuko’s presence was enough to make him feel safe and warm, and sort of like his heart was glowing from the inside. Her being at the rink gave him the push to keep going with skating, until it was no longer possible for him to fall out of love with the ice.

Of course, his crush on Yuuko had never ended up leading anywhere, and strong feelings for someone else came to accompany it soon enough. Ironically it was Yuuko herself who had first introduced Yuuri to the only other person he has ever felt for in this way. It was her who had first invited him to watch the Junior World Championships at the Ice Castle when he was 11, and therefore given him the chance to witness Viktor skate on that worn-down old TV. It would be pointless to try and claim Yuuri had ever been quite the same after, even in regards to how he felt about Yuuko. As Yuuri threw himself more and more into figure skating and further yet into his admiration for Viktor, his feelings for Yuuko slowly started to fade into the background. It was better that way in any case, for everyone involved. It was easier and less painful for him especially, seeing as she and Takeshi began dating soon after Yuuri properly started to hit puberty.

He pushed down any feelings of resentment and hurt, knowing it would be terrible of him to stand in the way of his friends’ happiness, and poured it all onto the ice and his training. Then at night, when he’d go to his room to rest, exhausted beyond belief from heartache and from pushing himself, he’d look at the posters of Viktor covering his walls. He’d draw encouragement and strength from them, much as he had once done from Yuuko. Viktor became his goal, his source of inspiration; someone who strengthened his love for the ice all the more with each day. He couldn’t have said for sure whether he wanted more to be like Viktor or to be _with_ Viktor. But either way, Viktor to him was like a moon or star to reach for in the sky, a vision or a dream almost too large to have, and tied him permanently to the ice without a point of return. Becoming someone worthy of being in Viktor’s presence was still a goal he could accomplish. Even if he couldn’t be the man Yuuko wanted, perhaps he could at least be a skater that would one day face up against Viktor on the same ice.

So Yuuri kept going, allowing himself to fall even deeper in love with skating and with the image of Viktor on his horizon. He let the love he felt for the sport, and the way it mixed with his admiration for Viktor slowly heal and nurse his wounded heart. And one day, so suddenly and out of the blue that he shocked even himself, he went to the rink, and it didn’t hurt anymore when he saw Yuuko and Nishigori quietly whispering together on the benches, holding hands. All he felt was peace and relief. For the first time in a while, he could be happy about seeing his friends again every day, while he kept working on his goal of meeting Viktor and skating with him.

And now Yuuri has fulfilled that goal, that dream of competing against Viktor. Multiple times even. And that’s not everything. Not only has he skated on the same ice as Viktor, he has stood on the podium with Viktor. And even _that’s_ not everything, now. He’s shared so much with Viktor, both about skating and everything else, and Viktor has shared things with him, too. Things he perhaps hasn’t shared with anyone else before, as difficult as that feels to believe. The two of them have hugged, held hands, danced together...and now, they’ve even _kissed_ , even if Yuuri still feels like he can’t quite be sure that it wasn’t all just a dream. And Yuuri doesn’t think he’s ever quite felt like this towards anyone, not even Viktor himself when Yuuri didn’t really know him. He feels like his heart is shining right out out of his chest with all the light and feelings he’s carrying inside of him, like he’s walking on air and wanting to scream from the top of the world about how happy he is right now. It’s honestly almost painful holding it all inside.

But he knows he has to. It’s more important now than ever, when Yuuri knows he’s treading on the thinnest ice with what he and Viktor are doing. Although they didn’t really have the time to talk about exactly what they are now, Yuuri’s pretty sure people who are just friends don’t kiss in elevators for dozens of minutes. If they were just friends who kissed once, they wouldn’t have to be so worried about keeping whatever it is that is blooming between them a secret, out of fear of Viktor losing his contract and Yuuri losing what little support he has from fans and sponsors either. Not to mention he’s fairly certain friends are not meant to kiss each other goodnight on the cheek. The thought that he actually _did that_ himself is enough to make him blush a little. He hadn’t thought himself capable of such things, such impulsiveness.

And yet, even knowing the risks, knowing all that he and Viktor are putting on the line with each other...Yuuri already can’t bear the thought of letting Viktor go without a fight. More than anything, he honestly wants to hold onto him for as long as he possibly can. He can’t deny the way he feels anymore. The dam has been broken, and there’s no going back. When Viktor asked Yuuri to call him ‘Vitya’ and referred to it as a name for a friend to use, Yuuri had felt like he’d been shot through the heart in more ways than one. All the feelings rushing through him at that moment had been so powerful and mixed up it had taken him a while to process all of them. All he really knew at that moment was that the word “friend” felt wrong and inadequate and _painful_ for him to hear from Viktor.

The more he thought about it as that day passed by, the more Yuuri realized he could no longer deny everything that has been developing and evolving inside of him for the past year. Finally seeing Viktor in person, being able to hold him and talk to him, had removed any remaining traces of denial and doubt. Yuuri could no longer claim he hadn’t been falling for Viktor for a long time now, and wanted to be more than just his friend. Perhaps he could’ve kept those feelings inside of him and not let anyone know, as he’s been doing for the past few months. But the fact that for some bizarre reason it seems like Viktor also appears to want something more from him, too, changed everything. So long as Yuuri could tell himself there was no hope, he may have been able to content himself with just friendship. But now that he knows he’s not alone in what he feels, no matter the risks, no matter the consequences, Yuuri can’t find it in himself to let this chance to be with the man he loves pass him by. This is the one thing, the one person in his life he’s not willing to lose.

Perhaps that makes him selfish. Perhaps he’s putting everything he’s worked so hard for at risk, not to mention Viktor’s own career. But Yuuri’s never felt this type of connection with anyone. It’s like he and Viktor just understand each other on some fundamental level, despite their differences. And he desperately wants to keep it close to him. For the first time, he wants to hold onto a person and not let them go. Perhaps that does make him selfish, but he can’t bring himself to be unselfish.

Not about this.

…

When the next morning dawns on him and Celestino, Yuuri somehow forces himself to pack his things and make his way to the taxi that will take them to the airport. He draws most of his strength from the extremely strong and nasty coffee he’s drunk, and Celestino’s worry.

“I told you to come to bed early enough,” his coach sighs as he watches Yuuri trying to stay awake during the car ride, even while his chin keeps falling to his chest, his eyes growing shut.

“I’m sorry, Celestino,” Yuuri croaks, shaking his head a little to try and bring some wakefulness back into his body for just a little longer. Yet as soon as he does it, he can’t help but think it feels a little like the gesture also indicates he doesn’t really mean his words. And he doesn’t. He wouldn’t trade last night for the world, scared as he had been for a moment that he and Viktor would be found. “It won’t happen again.”

“I’m not opposed to you having a little bit of fun, Yuuri,” Celestino says. “You’re still young after all, and you should enjoy life while you can. Frankly, I’ve been worried because you’ve been working so hard, and I don’t want you to run yourself into the ground before the season has even properly begun. It’s just…” he sighs. “You’ve never enjoyed banquets before, or talking to sponsors. I hope Nikiforov isn’t making you do things you don’t like?”

“No!” Yuuri cries, hurt by the very idea, turning quickly to look at Celestino next to him directly. “Vitya was very nice to introduce me to people. And I like being with him.” He can’t help the small smile that forms on his lips. “I think I would enjoy anything if it was with him.”

Celestino pauses. “Guess you’re really calling him ‘Vitya’ now, huh? That’ll take some time getting used to.” Yuuri blushes, but only slightly. He’d explained the new form of address to Celestino a few days earlier when Viktor had come up in conversation. Celestino is not the only one still getting used to it either. “What a strange world it is though, to think the two of you are such good friends now. I remember how much you used to admire him.”

“I still admire him”, Yuuri says softly. “There’s just more to it now than that.”

“Well,” Celestino smiles. “It seems to have done you some good. It’s nice of him offer to help you socialize. So long as you remember to keep your own head at times.”

Yuuri chuckles a little, hoping it might cover up the way his back suddenly breaking out in cold sweats. Viktor may not be making Yuuri do anything he doesn’t want to do, but he definitely makes him lose his head sometimes, though he doubts Celestino knows just how much. “I’ll do my best, coach.”

Celestino seems to be content with that and they make it to the airport soon afterwards. Yuuri even somehow manages to make his way through customs and to their seats for their flight before his weariness finally comes crashing down on him. He ends up sleeping almost the entire flight to Chicago, where he and Celestino switch to their connecting flight to Detroit. Celestino drops Yuuri off at the training facility in his car before starting to drive home. Yuuri feels grimy and greasy in that way planes tend to make him feel, his hair and clothes a mess and his eyes crusted. Despite his long nap, he’s exhausted and also very hungry. All he wants is to shower and eat and play some games before going to sleep.

Unfortunately, the person he has for a roommate turns out to be a bit of a hindrance to that particular plan.

“Yuuri, you’re back!” Phichit cries in greeting as soon as Yuuri steps through the front door into their apartment, before rushing over from the couch to hug him tight.

“Umph!” Yuuri lets out at the force Phichit jumps on him, but clumsily wraps a single arm around his young friend anyway, the other still holding onto his luggage handle. “Hi, Phichit...how have you been?”

“Bored out of my mind,” Phichit whines, nuzzling his forehead against Yuuri’s collarbones. “I hate exams, I hate my tutor, I hate that I didn’t get to go to Russia with you!” Phichit pauses just long enough to raise his head to look up at Yuuri’s face, his eyes gleaming with eagerness and boundless excitement. “But enough about me. You made it to the Grand Prix Final, Yuuri! That’s amazing! Congratulations!”

Yuuri smiles, suddenly filled with the joy he sees reflected in his friend. He has barely been able to think about getting into the Final with everything else that has happened, and now that it’s finally starting to hit him, he can barely contain his happiness. Could his life get any better? He’s just recently kissed the man he loves for the first time _and_ he’s going to fulfill one more lifelong dream of his by being able to skate at the Senior Grand Prix Final. He has a good friend who is here to welcome him home with a hug, who wants to know about his experiences from the time they’ve been apart. He has almost everything he’s ever wanted now.

Almost.

“Tell me everything!” Phichit insists, starting to drag Yuuri over to the couch by the hand. Yuuri goes along, even as he struggles to at least take his shoes off before stepping further into the apartment.

“How was Russia? How was the Cup?” Phichit asks as they sit down, Yuuri beginning to remove his coat and hat. But it’s only when Phichit’s lips begin to twist into an even wider grin that Yuuri really starts to sweat under his collar. “How was _Viktor_?”

Yuuri just about swallows his own tongue. He hadn’t remembered to consider this possibility. Everything had happened so fast, he has barely had time to process it all himself, and now he has no idea what to say to his friend. He and Viktor never discussed if they could share any details about their relationship to anyone else now that it’s changed. Yuuri knows it would be a huge risk to tell Phichit, and yet he has no idea how he’s going to be able to hide it all from him. They live together, and Phichit’s already been able to guess how he feels about Viktor, not to mention that Yuuri’s never been very good at lying. He doesn’t think he can lie about this very well either, given how much he’s certain the truth in his emotions would be plain for anyone to see on his face if asked.

“Uhh…” he starts, trying to think on his feet. “Russia was great. Really beautiful. The Cup was challenging, but in the right ways. I’m pretty proud of how I did. Viktor was…” he pauses, licking his lips, trying to fight down any thoughts about the elevator and the blush that he feels is about to break out. “Viktor was great. It was really nice to see him again.”

Phichit stares at him. Then stares some more, intently and with a purpose. Honestly, Yuuri has no idea how he can go that long without blinking and still have such shining eyes. He swallows forcibly, trying to think of a plan. He knows that look by now, and also knows it promises nothing good.

“You’re hiding something,” is what Phichit eventually settles on. “Tell me more. I want to know everything! What did it feel like to see Viktor again? Did you finally realize how you feel about him? Did you guys hug? Did you guys _kiss_?”

Now Yuuri really can’t fight down his blush, images of what Viktor looked like after they’d kissed flooding his mind, along with the taste and feel of his soft lips, the way his hands felt and the way he smelled in Yuuri’s arms.

“Holy shit,” Phichit breathes, his eyes widening. “Did you? Did you really?!”

Yuuri bites his lip, averting his gaze. He tries to think, but can’t come up with anything. He can’t lie to Phichit, but he also can’t tell him the truth. Not yet. He needs to talk about it with Viktor first, and preferably in person at that. He can’t expect Viktor to just agree for him to tell someone he’s never even met himself, over a message or even phone call. It would be far too much to ask, and Yuuri would need to be able to explain it well and with words. Hell, he’s not even sure himself if telling Phichit is a good idea, given his friend’s fixation on gossip and social media. He’s pretty sure he could trust Phichit with his life, but probably not his secrets. So how can Yuuri count on him to keep a secret like this?

“Phichit,” he finally beings, slowly, enunciating. “I can’t tell you. Not yet at the very least, but perhaps not ever.” He pauses to consider his next words. “So for now, I’m asking you, as my friend, to not mention it until I come back from the Final. Not to me, not to anyone. I’ll talk to Viktor when I see him again in person. But until then...let’s just try to pretend like nothing has changed.” He focuses his own stare on Phichit, trying to do his best impression of the face Vicchan used, the one that always ended up with Yuuri caving in and giving him treats. “Please?”

Phichit blinks slowly. Then blinks again, this time in rapid succession. Then he stares a little more, the shine gone from his eyes, and Yuuri’s not sure what to think. He’s seen Phichit’s manically excited stares, but he doesn’t think he’s seen him stare like this; so deep in thought. He swallows, and hopes Phichit won’t hate him over this. Even though he may not be able to trust him with this secret yet, he really hopes he can tell him about it sooner or later. He can only hope he won’t lose him as a friend before that.

Finally, Phichit closes his eyes before sighing deeply, his shoulder sagging. “Okay,” he says. “I won’t say a word about it. I’ll do it as a show of good faith. I want you to know for sure that you can count on me to not say anything even after you tell me. This isn’t like me posting about your routines on social media or teasing you about Viktor to Leo. This is a big thing and it could ruin both of your careers. I wouldn’t do that to you, and I hope you can believe me when I say that.” He chuckles. “After all, I can’t let you retire before I can beat both you and Viktor fair and square.”

Phichit smiles brightly at him, and it’s all Yuuri needs to know he isn’t really all that upset. It’s also quite clear Phichit knows what Yuuri’s trying to tell him without actually saying it, that he knows what has happened, and what has changed, but the fact he’s still willing to do what Yuuri says means more than he can express. After all, knowing Phichit, he’s probably eager to know more.

“Thank you,” Yuuri says, reaching over to touch Phichit’s arm in gratitude. “I’ll talk to you if Vitya says it’s okay. But you get that I can’t make this decision alone, right?”

“Yeah, I get it,” Phichit says, but he keeps smiling at Yuuri to show he’s really not upset. “So I’ll wait. I’ll prove to both of you I can keep my mouth shut, even though I’m dying to know the details.” Yuuri holds back a chuckle, being proven correct in thinking Phichit is eager to learn more.. “As long as you understand you’ll need to tell me everything once you get back from the Final.”

Yuuri lets out a laugh. “I will, if Vitya lets me, I promise.”

“Oh, so it really is _Vitya_ now, is it?” Phichit says, the old curious gleam returning to his eyes. Yuuri gives him his best unimpressed look, and Phichit is quick to put his hands up in defence after seeing it. “Sorry, sorry, shutting up now.” He makes a zipping motion around his lips, locking them closed. “But still, at least tell me more about the competition and Russia Yuuri! I need something else to think about other than all that I’m not hearing and my schoolwork!”

At that, Yuuri allows himself to laugh again. “Okay, okay,” he says, and begins to tell his friend everything he can about the Rostelecom Cup.

…

**phichit+chu**

Detroit Skating Facility

[image]

❤ 3,051 likes

**phichit+chu** Welcome back to the new confirmed #GPF skater, my roomie #katsukiyuuri! :D.

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**goldenyuuri** yaaaay, congrats yuuri!

**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** i always knew he could do it. now the rest of the world just knows too :D. pls let him know i have faith he will do great in the final!

**hopesonblades** You guys are really cute <3\. Keep doing your best you two!

**v-nikiforov** Keep working hard #katsukiyuuri :).

            **knifeshoes** Holy fuck, am I seeing this right now?

            **quadflipped @knifeshoes** If you’re seeing Viktor comment on Phichit’s post about Yuuri, then either we’re both seeing things or it’s real.

            **knifeshoes** But what does it /mean/?!

            **glasshearts** Either way, that’s really sweet of Viktor to do <3.

5 hours ago

...

Life settles into normality for a while after Celestino and Yuuri’s return to Detroit, although Yuuri keeps pushing himself almost to his limit with his training. He’s more determined than ever after the Rostelecom Cup to do well at the Final. Celestino is still frequent to express his worry that Yuuri’s overworking himself, but Yuuri honestly doesn’t feel tired even after all the work he’s putting himself through. That fire of competitive spirit he got at Rostelecom hasn’t been extinguished by him coming back to Detroit, but rather seems to have added to it. He draws strength and determination from it, letting his theme for the season run through his body and guide him. He’ll show everyone he really is worthy. Especially Viktor.

When it comes to Viktor and him, the sudden separation has been both strange and incredibly painful. They’ve both been quite busy since they last saw each other in person, with their individual training and Viktor with the Cup of China. Yuuri watched the competition over stream of course and congratulated Viktor over text, but for the most part the two of them have talked about normal, everyday things.

_From: Me_

_I’m thinking about growing my hair out for real. But I have some concerns._

_From: Vitya_

_:O. wht kind of concerns? mayb i can help? ive had long hair after all :D._

_From: Me_

_Mostly I’m just nervous I’ll be more noticeable. Do you know how I could hide myself if I don’t want to deal with people sometimes?_

_From: Vitya_

_u should work on being more presentable to ur fans tho :(. theyre our lifelihood._

_From: Vitya_

_but i do get sometimes wanting privacy. what i usually did was braid my hair and hide it in a hat. it usually worked if i also wore sunglasses._

_From: Me_

_Okay. Thank you. I’ll think about it :)._

Because of this, nothing seems terribly different. Nothing feels like it’s changed much. They still talk about skating and their daily lives and get to know each other better, just like before. But that’s the problem. _Shouldn’t_ it be different somehow? Shouldn’t something at least have changed between them? Why are they acting like that kiss never even happened? They haven’t even brought it up in conversation, let alone the nature of their relationship now.

Yuuri wishes he could find the courage to ask Viktor about all of it. But he can’t help but worry what the answer might be. What if Viktor has decided it’s too big of a chance after all? What if he’s changed his mind about everything, maybe even how he feels about Yuuri? And in any case, Viktor must have enough to deal with, even without Yuuri springing 20 questions on him. They’ll see each other soon enough anyway, and being near Viktor always seems to make Yuuri braver. Perhaps when he sees him, he’ll actually be able to ask him about everything. Perhaps he’ll even be allowed to kiss him again, if Viktor is willing.

It also can’t be denied that he and Viktor communicate a lot through their skating. It’s where Yuuri first saw glimpses of how Viktor felt in general and also about him. So for now, Yuuri keeps practising, hoping that he may be able to return the gesture and show Viktor his own feelings at the Final.

The thought makes his heart throb in his chest, like a star turning into a supernova within his ribcage. He lets himself draw more strength from that, from everything he feels for Viktor and all he wants to show him. The only thing he can really do is to pour out all of his love on the ice to keep it under control. After all, he can’t really talk about it with anyone, not even Dr. Honda or Phichit. Even if Dr. Honda would have to keep it a secret because of the doctor-patient confidentiality, Yuuri doesn’t want to do that without asking Viktor. It feels too soon to tell anyone in general anyway. It’s just best in every way if Yuuri keeps his mouth shut for now.

In the end, Yuuri’s not sure if the GPF comes too soon or not soon enough for him. He’s nervous to go, he always is during competitions, but this time he has to admit it’s for slightly different reasons than normally. Phichit offered to come see him skate at the Final, but his tutor is still pushing him hard to focus on school and he’s also about to take his final exams for the year, so Yuuri convinced him to stay in Detroit. It’s probably for the best, anyway. It would be much more difficult to keep up appearances that he and Viktor are just friends, while actually sharing space with Viktor and talking to him face-to-face. Not to mention Phichit would want to know more and cut into Yuuri’s time with Viktor. And selfish as it may be, whenever Yuuri actually gets to see Viktor, he would like to be able to have him all to himself.

He and Viktor made a promise after all, that they would see all the cities where they’re competing together. The thought of that makes a lump form in Yuuri’s throat. His heart hasn’t stopped beating a mile a minute all day, not since he and Celestino landed in Turin, Italy. He can’t tell for certain if the thought of seeing Viktor and spending time with him again makes him more happy or more anxious. All he knows is he’s nervous, and still uncertain about what he should say to him. He wishes he could just tell him through his skating like he was hoping to.

But then, that’s not how relationships work, is it. No matter what type of relationship they may have now, Yuuri knows they are going to have to talk about it. He can’t allow all this uncertainty and nervousness to keep festering and growing inside of him, can’t keep avoiding it and walking on eggshells. If his experiment with denying what he feels for Viktor has taught him anything, it’s that not talking about it and just pushing it all down is not going to work for very long. And in any case, knowing for sure will probably make everything easier. No matter what the outcome, surely it’s better to rip the bandaid off now rather than later, before he allows himself to grow even more attached.

Yuuri and Viktor are staying at the same hotel with the rest of the skaters for the Grand Prix Final. It’s not exactly warm in Italy this time of the year either, but it’s still a nice change to the freezing and biting temperatures of Detroit, so Yuuri has chosen to wear a relatively light coat for his outing with Viktor. They’ve agreed to meet down in the lobby again, and restless and nervous as he was, Yuuri was unable to wait any longer than he absolutely had to. So now he waits down here, his heart still doing triple axels up into his throat all the while. And yet at the same time, he can also feel his heart continuing to shine inside of him. His feelings about everything may be mixed, but he can’t deny he’s missed Viktor over the past few weeks, and he does desperately want to see him.

As if summoned by that thought, it is just then that the elevator doors slide open in the lobby to reveal Viktor, as gorgeous as ever in his burgundy coat and deep blue scarf. His hair looks immaculate and groomed, shining in the overhead lights, and his eyes seem to glimmer in crystal blue as they spot Yuuri. Yuuri could swear his heart is about to burst at the sight of that dear face, so close to him once again.

“Yuuri!” Viktor cries gleefully as he starts to hurry his way over to him, making Yuuri’s heart leap into his throat once more, beating a mile a minute. He can’t help the smile that spreads on his face, and goes even so far as to open his arms for Viktor in preparation for an embrace.

As soon as he spreads them, however, Yuuri’s nerves are quick to return to him in the form of his cheeks and ears starting to tingle with a flush. He can’t help that his mind takes him back to the last time he saw Viktor in person, and to the very real memory of how it felt to kiss him in that elevator. How soft his lips had been, how warm and safe Yuuri had felt in his arms and how the rest of the world seemed to just disappear around them, as they allowed themselves to get wrapped up in that wonderful moment. Now more than ever, after being separated for weeks, Yuuri desperately wants to kiss Viktor again, to let himself feel all of it once more and make himself a new memory of Viktor. As soon as Viktor gets close enough, without even thinking about it consciously, Yuuri tilts his head and leans up to do exactly that, as if he were drawn to Viktor by an invisible force.

Viktor has him wrapped in his arms again, and Yuuri’s holding him too. Viktor’s beautiful blue eyes sparkle with affection as they meet Yuuri’s, and he seems to be angling his head in kind to meet Yuuri. Yuuri begins to move in closer, about to remove any remaining distance between their lips, his eyes starting to grow shut with the tenderness of the moment. Before they can truly meet, however, Viktor suddenly pulls away, still remaining close to Yuuri in proximity, but dropping his arms from around him.

As soon as he’s no longer sharing body heat with Viktor, reality comes back to Yuuri too, and he realizes the two of them are in a public place with multiple witnesses. He swears for a moment his heart stops cold like a stone from the fear of what just could’ve happened. He was just so caught up in the moment, and in Viktor, that he completely forgot where they were and didn’t even care if anyone saw what they were doing. It seems that whenever Viktor is in the room, Yuuri just tends to forget everything and everyone else.

Yuuri shakes his head in a few rapid successions, trying to clear his thoughts, before taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. He’ll need to start being more careful about this. About everything. He can’t keep letting his feelings get the best of him.

“Are you alright, Yuuri?” Viktor murmurs, and steps a breath closer to him again to place his warm, comforting hand on Yuuri’s shoulder. Its weight seems to almost relieve any tension from Yuuri’s shoulders, and he draws any comfort he can from the touch, using it to ground and calm himself.  

“Y-yes...I’m okay,” Yuuri breathes, allowing himself a few more moments before summoning up a smile for Viktor. “Hi, Vitya.”

Saying the name makes his heart skip a beat. The diminutive still feels almost too intimate for him to say, like he’s trespassing on something sacred, as well as revealing far too much of himself to the world, but he also can’t bring himself not to call Viktor that after he’d asked him to. Since returning to America, Yuuri’s been googling things about the Russian way of addressing people in this manner, and he knows if he doesn’t call Viktor by this name like he’s been asked to, it would seem to Viktor like a step backwards in their relationship or possibly a sign that Yuuri was angry with him. After Yuuri’s called him Vitya once, he will be called that forever unless their relationship goes sour. And Yuuri definitely doesn’t want to give Viktor the impression that anything has gone sour, no matter what.

“Hey,” Viktor says softly, before spreading his right arm into a half circle as a form of invitation. Yuuri’s only too happy to accept it. If he can’t kiss Viktor right now, he wants to at least be able to hug him. So he quickly steps back into Viktor’s embrace. He wraps his own arms around him too, and buries his face where Viktor’s neck meets his shoulder, drawing in his warmth and scent. Viktor always smells really nice. He never puts on too much of the intoxicating cologne he seems to prefer, which Yuuri appreciates because he’s always had a rather sensitive nose. The smell of the perfume simply seems to naturally blend in with Viktor’s natural scent, creating a cloud of comfort and love for Yuuri to lose himself in. He squeezes Viktor a bit tighter, almost wanting to cry with how wonderful it feels to be with him again like this.

“I missed you so much,” he can’t help but confess, his voice slightly muffled by the material of Viktor’s coat.

“And I you, more than I could ever tell you in words,” Viktor murmurs to the side of his head, before placing a discreet small kiss there that makes warmth spread all over Yuuri.

They stay hugging for a few more moments, before Viktor gently pulls back from the embrace to talk to Yuuri. But he’s smiling, easing up on Yuuri’s fear of him having bad news to deliver.

“Shall we?” Viktor asks with a gentle sparkle in his eyes, as his lips take on a heart-like shape that makes Yuuri’s heart tremble.

“Y-yes,” Yuuri says softly.  

“Do you have anywhere in particular you’d like to go here?” Viktor asks as he begins to lead Yuuri out of the hotel. “I know I’ve been the leading tour guide for our last two outings, but I’ve only ever been to Turin once, myself. So if there are any places you’d like to visit, I’m quite open to suggestions.”

“I don’t really have anything in mind,” Yuuri admits, a little sheepish. “I haven’t really had the time to think about it.”

“Unfortunately, neither have I. And I must admit I quite forgot,” Viktor says, sounding slightly embarrassed himself. It makes Yuuri smile a little, because it’s such a reminder that this is the Viktor that only he gets to see. No matter what they are, he’s the only one who knows this side of Viktor. He’s the only one who has Viktor’s love, no matter what type that love might be.

“We could google some things to see here? Or ask around or buy a map?” Yuuri suggests for lack of anything better to say.

“Why not all three?” Viktor smiles. “We’re still at the hotel, after all. You start on Google, I’ll go inquire if the reception has maps or tips for what places to see in Turin.”

Yuuri nods, and Viktor goes on his way to talk to the receptionist behind the desk.

In the end, the two of them settle on walking through the city for the most part, to see everything they possibly can in the limited time they have. They focus on the churches and castles, unfortunately being on too tight a schedule to visit any of the museums, much like they were in Paris. Still, Yuuri finds he doesn’t really mind. He gets to take in the breathtaking architecture in peace with Viktor, and walk around with him in this beautiful city without a hurry. They spend the day talking and stopping for amazing Italian coffee and small pastries that they share, taking pictures and selfies everywhere and just enjoying their time together.

Still, as much as Yuuri enjoys the day and just getting to be with Viktor, and as much as he tries to just focus on the good and ignore the bad, he can’t help but feel the distance between them. They’ve been avoiding touching for most of the day aside from Viktor pulling him close for pictures. They haven’t even linked arms or held hands. Viktor hasn’t even mentioned anything about Yuuri’s now longer hair, though that may at least be partially because Yuuri took his advice and has hidden it inside his woolen hat. But nonetheless, it feels almost like there is a wall between the two of them, keeping them apart, and no matter how much he tries to ignore it, Yuuri can’t help but worry what that means. He knows they’re around people right now, but he still can’t help but wonder. No matter where they’ve been, Viktor has usually at least held his hand if nothing else. Yuuri may have wished for some things to be different now, but he didn’t mean like _this_. He wanted more intimacy, not less.

As the day goes by, these thoughts keep returning to him more and more, making a painful coldness settle at the pit of his stomach. As happy as he is to see Viktor and to get to spend some time with him, this sense of doing the exact same thing they’ve always done, just with even less touching than before, is beginning to feel rather strange and is putting him on edge. Aside from their misguided almost-kiss before, Viktor seems to be acting much the same as he used to before their kiss in the elevator even happened. Is that normal for new couples? Shouldn’t they talk more about what is going on between the two of them? Yuuri may not be an expert on relationships and he understands well that his and Viktor’s case isn’t regular by most definitions, but shouldn’t the two of them at least acknowledge something is different now?

Unless...it’s not. If Yuuri was right after all and Viktor has changed his mind after having had the time to consider it all. Or perhaps he just wants to keep whatever is between them easy and casual. Perhaps they’re not actually what Yuuri has been hoping they are for the past weeks. Perhaps they’re not a couple. Perhaps they’re meant to just be good friends who sometimes kiss. Maybe doing things like that is even some kind of a Russian thing?

“I may not be Catholic,” Viktor interrupts his muddled thoughts once more as they’re about to leave Saint John the Baptist Cathedral. “But I have to admit they made their fair share of beautiful churches.”

Yuuri can only manage a small nod, still feeling weighed down by his own fears and his own inability to voice them. How can he find the proper words to say what’s on his mind? To tell Viktor that he wished for this outing to have been more like a date than a tour between friends? After all, he feels like he’s even more in the dark about what Viktor is thinking or what he wants than he was before. And if their desires don’t align as well as Yuuri thought they did, and Viktor doesn’t want anything more serious, what is he going to do? He loves Viktor. He knows Viktor’s touch and kiss now, and getting to experience them only made him want them even more. He knows he would only be hurt if Viktor didn’t want him as much as Yuuri wants him, even if the possibility of that is high. And yet...Yuuri can’t imagine turning away from Viktor, even if all he wanted was something casual, no matter how much it might hurt him. He knows he should consider himself lucky he even has this much of him, even if all that thought creates in him is cold bitterness.

“Yuuri?” he snaps out at the sound of Viktor’s voice. “Yuuri!”

“Y-yes!” Yuuri says, almost jumping at the volume of his own voice, so startled by Viktor’s call and responding automatically.

As he turns to look, he sees Viktor by his side, biting his lip before sighing. “Yuuri, you’ve been lost in your own thoughts all day again. Is something wrong? I’ll soon start getting the feeling you dislike these tours with me if you don’t start paying more attention.”

Although Yuuri hears the teasing lilt in Viktor’s tone, he still feels the shame of even the suggestion he may be bringing doubt to Viktor’s mind or discomfort to his soul with his actions, and he averts his gaze. Viktor doesn’t deserve him being this inattentive, especially when they’re on limited time that they can spend together and will soon have to depart once more.

“No, Vitya, I love spending time with you,” Yuuri says, his words coming out fast and emphasised. “It’s just…” He takes his own turn to bite his lip now.

Viktor asked. He wants to know the truth of what is going on, and Yuuri should tell him. No matter what the outcome, they need to learn to be honest with each other. That’s the only way anything between the two of them is going to work, no matter if it may be love or friendship. Even if the enormity and seriousness of Yuuri’s feelings and hopes may scare Viktor away, he deserves to know the truth from Yuuri so he can have the chance to leave before they waste more of each other’s time.

Before Yuuri can open his mouth to at least try and speak the words, he sees someone pass by them out of the corner of his eye. He takes a quick look all around them and isn’t surprised to see multiple people all over, passing by them in either direction or stopping to take pictures. They’re completely surrounded. Perhaps not all of these people are listening in on them, and maybe not all of them even know that much English, but Yuuri can’t afford to not take them into consideration. He’s already made too many careless mistakes. He must make sure to keep his head straight and think more carefully from now on.

He looks around them a little bit more, and is quick to spot a narrow alley between buildings not too far away, isolated, dark and hidden.  At that, he promptly makes up his mind and comes up with a plan.

“We can’t talk here,” he says, quickly taking a hold of Viktor’s wrist and starting to pull Viktor towards the alley. Viktor doesn’t fight him, following quite dutifully and amenably with Yuuri’s plans, which he is grateful for, even if he can’t shake the thought that this is the first time they’ve held hands all day.

They quickly make their way to the alley and its dark shadows, away from prying eyes and ears. Yuuri takes one last glance around the two of them to make sure they’re alone and out of sight, before turning to look Viktor in the eye. He takes a deep calming breath, and gives a soft voice to his thoughts before he can start second-guessing himself. “Vitya…what are we, really?”

Viktor blinks his lovely eyes a few times, the bright blue of them slightly darkened by confusion and what Yuuri assumes is worry, even if he can’t quite make out what the cause of it is. Still, Viktor really is almost too beautiful to look directly at with the way he keeps blinding Yuuri with his presence, but Yuuri fights to hold his gaze regardless. If there is even a slight resemblance of answer to be read on Viktor’s face, Yuuri wants to be able to catch it, wants to make sure he understands as well as he can what he has to say.

When Viktor speaks, it’s in the same soft tone that Yuuri used. “What do you mean?”

Yuuri bites his lip again, nerves and fear turning his insides and making his legs tremble beneath him. He hates that he has to spell it out. He’s not sure when people are supposed to have these types of discussions about whether or not they are a couple, or if this is all happening too fast. But he won’t get to see Viktor until Worlds after the GPF ends, since Viktor won’t be at the Four Continents with him, and he has to make the most of the time he has to have an actual conversation with him. This isn’t something he thinks they should or could do over the phone.

“What do you want from me?” Yuuri murmurs. But as soon as he lets those words out of his mouth, it feels almost like some kind of dam has been broken, and all the rest of it starts pouring out of him like a waterfall. “Are we dating? Are we just friends who kissed once? Because I know it would be simpler, so much simpler, to just pretend like that whole thing at Rostelecom didn’t happen, I know it would and I know you get what the risks are, and if you want it to just be a one-time thing, I understand, but I want to know, and I-”

“Yuuri, breathe,” Viktor says softly, gently placing his hand on Yuuri’s shoulder before taking a few deep breaths himself to demonstrate. Yuuri mimics the pattern of Viktor’s air intake, trying to calm himself even as his hands and legs keep shaking.

A few moments later though, he starts to feel slightly calmer and less lightheaded. Viktor seems to notice this, because he reaches over with his other hand to take a hold of one of Yuuri’s, holding their hands between their bodies. Yuuri squeezes Viktor’s hand back and draws the power to ground himself from Viktor’s touch and closeness. Slowly, he brings his eyes to look up at Viktor, doing his best to indicate for him to talk without using any words of his own.

Viktor seems to understands, saying, “Yuuri, I thought I had been perfectly clear about how I feel about you and what I want from you.”

Yuuri bites his lip, averting his eyes in embarrassment, his cheeks starting to burn. He’s a little ashamed he hasn’t been able to work this out on his own, when Viktor seems so certain that whatever he meant had come across well enough. And still, Yuuri needs him to say it, no matter what it may be, no matter how it might make him feel.

“We didn’t really talk about it afterwards though,” he points out. “And today…today we didn’t talk about it either, almost like it never even happened. And I felt like you’ve been keeping your distance. You didn’t even try to hold my hand. So I didn’t know what to think.”

“Then let me be absolutely clear about all of this once and for all,” Viktor says, his expression and tone both serious, his grip tight in both places where his hands are holding onto Yuuri. “I wouldn’t have let myself kiss you the way I did in that elevator if I wasn’t completely serious about this. I wouldn’t take the risk of being with you if I didn’t mean it 100%. I wouldn’t take these types of chances if you didn’t mean as much to me as my career as a skater does, or even more.”

Yuuri can barely believe the words he’s hearing, blood rushing to both his face and ears, creating a happy hum inside of his head to the thrumming beat of his heart. Viktor lightens his hold on Yuuri’s hand, only to gently bring it up to his lips, giving the back of it a light, sweet kiss that makes Yuuri’s insides feel rather gooey. His hand has also started trembling again, though for a different reason and in a different way this time. A hesitant smile is fighting to break out on his lips, even as he’s still trying to process everything Viktor’s words have made him feel. “I want us to be together Yuuri. I want this to be serious. Today more than anything I ached to be able to hold your hand and kiss you in front of everyone, but I’ve already let myself get far too carried away once, and…”

“And you didn’t want to risk it happening again. That we’d be too obvious,” Yuuri sighs. “I get it. It’s been difficult for me to hide it all, too. I really wanted to kiss you too. Ever since I first saw you today.”

Viktor gives him a small, almost wistful smile, before raising the hand on Yuuri’s shoulder to caress the side of his face, gently stroking his cheek with his thumb. Yuuri follows the movement with his eyes. It’s so like what he did at the Rostelecom Cup that Yuuri immediately feels a lump form in his throat, and the way his lips start to tingle with the desire to touch Viktor’s. As if sensing that, Viktor is quick to move his thumb down to touch Yuuri’s lips instead, again imitating what happened before. As he does, Yuuri raises his gaze up to Viktor’s eyes, shot through the heart at the tenderness and open affection he sees in them. He can sense the same desire he feels for Viktor returned in the way Viktor’s touching him, spreading inside of them like the air they’re sharing.

He can’t squash his want, so strong and overwhelming as it is, and unable to do anything else, purses his lips slightly to kiss Viktor’s thumb.

“Yuuri…” Viktor says as he does, and it sounds almost like a sigh, his cheeks turning pink.

“I still really want to kiss you, Vitya,” Yuuri admits as Viktor moves his thumb from his lips to his cheek once more, leaving only the ghost of his touch and warmth behind.

“I want to kiss you too,” Viktor says, and Yuuri can hear in his voice just how much he means it; can sense the desperation in his tone, in the heat radiating from his hands. “God, Yuuri, you have no clue how much I’ve longed to kiss you. Not just in these past few weeks, but for so long now.”

“Please…” Yuuri murmurs, swallowing. He’s trembling again, but this time from nerves and desire. He knows in his head that they’re taking a huge risk. That they really shouldn’t be doing this here. That anyone could see them, even with the little privacy this alleyway gives them. And yet… “Please, let me kiss you. Just this once. We don’t know when we’re going to get another chance again.”

Viktor closes his eyes, lets out a breath with a small upturn of his lips, and nods. “All right,” he says. “But just a small one, we can’t get caught up in the moment again.”

Yuuri nods quickly, but after that doesn’t hesitate, so eager as he is, before he stands on his tiptoes to place a gentle, soft kiss onto Viktor’s lips. But as soon as he gets to taste them against his own again, gets to feel their softness, he can’t resist the urge to give Viktor another kiss. And just when he thinks he might be able to walk away without having another one, Viktor leans down to give him one. And one more to follow. And then Yuuri can’t resist to press yet another one on Viktor, just to get even. After that, Yuuri starts not to care so much who is giving who kisses and how much longer they’re slowly starting to become, because he and Viktor keep kissing with more passion and strength than Yuuri ever knew he even possessed inside himself, hidden in the shadows of the alleyway.

Viktor’s lips are just as soft against his as he remembers. He must take really good care of them. Or maybe he’s just that perfect naturally? The thought makes his insides feel heated and his whole being is thrumming with everything he feels for Viktor and how much he wants to be close to him. Yuuri wants consume and be to be consumed by him, forget about everything else in the world and just be here with Viktor like this. He wants Viktor to get closer and closer – so close that they almost melt together – and he wants to stay there with him like that forever.

Despite Viktor’s warning or his own vows not to, Yuuri can’t help but get caught up in the moment, and forget everything else around them. It doesn’t seem like Viktor can resist that either, given the way he seems to melt into their kisses, hungrily seeking out more of Yuuri’s lips in a way that makes his skin tingle and insides hot. To show his appreciation, Yuuri uses his free hand to pull Viktor even closer to him by his upper back while the other one keeps holding onto Viktor’s hand.

Yuuri knows he’s still rather clumsy in the way he kisses, limited by his own lack of experience, but for once he allows himself not to be overcome by the worry of doing something wrong. Being with Viktor makes it easy for him to just follow his instincts, to just do what feels good and let Viktor guide him through the rest. He strokes his hand up and down Viktor’s back in what he hopes comes across as a soothing and affectionate manner, allowing himself to feel the muscles underneath his coat in the meantime, enjoying the permission he now has to touch Viktor. His hand eventually reaches up far enough to touch the ends of Viktor’s hair and Yuuri lets it stay there, gently running the soft strands through his fingers, not much unlike Viktor did with his hair once.

Slowly, Viktor also moves the hand he has on Yuuri’s shoulder to wrap properly around him, allowing Yuuri to be even closer to him, safe and warm in his arms. But it still doesn’t feel like enough. He wants Viktor even closer. Yuuri knows that people often put their tongues in each other’s mouths when they want to kiss even more passionately and intimately, but he’s not sure if that would be appropriate here, or how to even initiate such a thing. Viktor might even find it weird, or feel like it’s too much too soon, even though their saliva is clearly already mixing and Yuuri’s pretty sure they’ve tasted each other’s teeth several times by now.

But still. Right now, all he really wants to do is to try and get his body as close to Viktor’s as he can, and let himself be overcome by his smell and warmth. He really is so wonderfully firm underneath his touch, all attractive lines and solid muscles and heat. Yuuri wants to bury himself inside of him.

He’s basically glued to Viktor line by line, when the man suddenly pauses in kissing him back. Before Yuuri can try to make up for it with more enthusiasm, Viktor quickly pulls his lips and face away from him entirely. Like he’s magnetised to him, Yuuri even tries to follow him for a moment, but as soon as their lips cease to touch, reality comes pouring back to him again and he remembers exactly where they are. And it’s quite enough to kill most of the heat pooling in his guts with cold dread. He really needs to stop doing things like this.

“We should stop,” Viktor says, his voice sounding rather hoarse as he struggles to take in a few deep shaky breaths, and Yuuri can only vaguely manage a nod in return. Despite his worries returning to him about being found out, Yuuri can’t help but rather enjoy the way Viktor’s lips have become reddened from their kisses and the way his cheeks have flushed. His hair standing up a little mussed at the back of his head, too, where Yuuri was playing with the strands. Without thinking about it, he licks his lips, as if to chase the remains of Viktor’s taste and feeling from them. His mouth suddenly feels very dry, some of the heat inside of him returning and scorching his insides with its flames. He wants to commit the way Viktor looks right now into his memory forever, and can’t help but vaguely imagine what he could do to make Viktor look even more disheveled and wrecked than he is now. His body seems to hum with the thought, and he has to swallow down hard to maintain at least some semblance of control of himself. He also has to fight down a blush, because now that he can think more clearly again, he’s coming down to realize just how aroused he’s become in Viktor’s embrace. It’s probably not visible underneath his long blue coat, but it’s still embarrassing and he hopes Viktor doesn’t realize.

Still, he can’t really blame himself, not for this. Viktor has been his dream for so long after all, and he’s felt desire for him even before the two of them really knew each other. Now that his attraction has truly become fused with his affection and love, not to mention the permission to touch and actually be close to Viktor...well, there was really no hope that he _wouldn’t_ react like this.

“Yeah,” Yuuri finally breathes, feeling rather dizzy. He still manages to step just a little bit further from Viktor so he won’t accidentally touch the lower parts of Yuuri’s body and notice what is going on. But he can’t make himself go further than that, now that he finally gets to be this near to Viktor, and he keeps holding onto his hand. “I know.”

Viktor’s expression grows slightly softer at that, and he leans in just a little closer to press a soft, tender kiss to the corner of Yuuri’s mouth. Yuuri has to fight the urge to chase after his lips once more, but manages to stand his ground this time.

“I always seem to forget myself around you,” Viktor murmurs. “I’m not making very smart choices right now.”

“Same here,” Yuuri says. “Whenever I’m around you, all I can think about is you. I don’t even care about the consequences.”

“Me neither,” Viktor says softly. “But we need to try, and be better at it from now on. After all, when we both come down from the high, I think we do understand what lies at risk. It’s only in the moment that we forget.” Yuuri nods. “Right now, however, we must determine what we ought to do now. We’ve rather repeated our previous mistakes. I quite think everyone’s going to be able to guess what we did in here when they see us.”

Yuuri blushes at the words, but unlike the last time they kissed in a far too public place, he can’t quite summon up the same sort of shame or fear. This time, the thought of everyone knowing that he was the one who did this to Viktor Nikiforov makes his heart race and his blood hum, and it feels exciting rather than terrifying. Viktor has been untouched by anyone on the ice for so long, seeming unreachable to everyone, Yuuri himself included. But now he’s real and solid and _here_ , and he’s for Yuuri to have and to love and to touch. He can’t help but look at Viktor’s reddened lips and feel a little thrill knowing, _I did that. No one else._ Because Viktor is his now, and Yuuri won’t give him up so long as Viktor lets him. Viktor Nikiforov is Yuuri’s Vitya, and now more than ever, he can’t help but wish he could tell everyone.

The thought is both overwhelming and saddening, so he does the only thing he can think of and pulls Viktor into a hug by his shoulders. Viktor comes willingly, melting into his arms much like he did into their kiss before. Still, being this way also means they’re pressed very close to one another once more, and Yuuri’s arousal never really went down. Now that he’s this close to Viktor’s body once more, he feels something poking against his hip as well. Yuuri may have mistaken it for a phone or a wallet maybe, if it wasn’t for the slight noise Viktor makes as Yuuri shifts against it. Face heating up from zero to about a hundred in seconds, Yuuri’s quick to move away from Viktor, feeling rather like he’s just swallowed both his tongue and his heart.

“S-sorry!” he squeaks, turned on beyond belief at the thought that _he_ , Katsuki Yuuri, made Viktor Nikiforov get hard in his pants, and not knowing at all how to deal with that. He almost wouldn’t believe it if he hadn’t felt it himself, and he has to swallow the dryness in his throat again.

“It’s all right, I’m the one who should be sorry,” Viktor murmurs, and Yuuri can’t help but think he looks very endearing all flustered like this. “Like I said…everyone would be able to tell what we just did.”

Yuuri wonders if it’s even possible to blush more than he already was, but if it is, he’s doing it. He can’t tell if Viktor was able to feel how Yuuri’s body reacted to him in return, but it’s not exactly the type of thing he can just ask. He honestly feels rather at a loss for words in general, his head practically boiling from how much his face is heating up. At least it will take some of the blood away from his dick, he can’t help but wistfully think, even as he’s overcome with furthered desire to get even closer to Viktor than he was before, and the thrill he got from getting Viktor look so uncomposed for once. But right now is not the time to ponder upon, let alone start picturing what that might mean.

“I-it’s okay,” he eventually manages to say. “I was just…surprised.”

There’s a bit of an awkward silence before Viktor speaks again. “We should probably get going now, Yuuri,” he says. He still sounds slightly breathless, but is slowly starting to look at least a bit more composed. “I think you should go back to where we came from, and I’ll go through this alley to the other end of the next street, just in case. We can rejoin each other at the next crossroads from where we left, and then return towards the hotel together.”

Yuuri swallows his disappointment at not being able to go back with Viktor, of having to depart from him for even a little while, but also knowing they need to start being more rational about this. Besides, he could use the distance and the slight walk to get his head cleared a little more. “…Okay.”

Viktor gives him a small affectionate smile at that, and Yuuri discovers his courage in the upturned corners of his mouth once more. He quickly gets on his tiptoes and places one last soft kiss on Viktor’s cheek, much like before they went their separate ways that night in St. Petersburg. He’s sure the parallel won’t escape Viktor either, even if this time they are fortunate enough to be able to come together again very soon.

After he’s removed his lips from Viktor’s skin, Yuuri goes on his way without saying anything more, or even looking back. He touches his lips lightly as he walks in his planned direction, his cheeks feeling just a bit warm, but not with embarrassment. More like with disbelief, unbearable happiness, and even slight pride. He can’t quite believe that he found the guts in himself to do that _again_. It makes him want to skip with giddiness and joy.

He is now quite officially Viktor Nikiforov’s boyfriend, he just made out with him in a stray alley in Italy, and he just made him hard in his pants as a result of that. All that, and the Grand Prix Final where they will be competing against each other hasn’t even properly started yet. He doesn’t think he’s ever known happiness quite like this; one that just seems to pour out of him at every cell and shine like the sun to the world. He can’t stop smiling all through the short walk to the crossroads.

He’s quite quick to spot Viktor there as well. Viktor’s striking appearance is never very discreet, even amongst the heavy crowds and even if Yuuri wasn’t purposefully looking for him. They make their way to each other without saying anything as they meet, and still make sure to refrain from even holding each other’s hands for now. Still, as they begin to walk forward together, the air around them feels very different to the way it was before their little secret moment in the alley. Everything feels so much clearer and lighter between them now, and it’s enough to keep Yuuri smiling. As they make their way across the street, he turns to give Viktor a smile, and to his joy and surprise finds Viktor already looking back at him, smiling as well. His eyes are shining with affection, and it’s enough to cause Yuuri’s smile to grow into a grin. Viktor returns it, and even winks just a little. Yuuri hides a laugh into his fist. It feels like they’re sharing a secret. Which, in all fairness, they are.

The thought of that is a good reminder of another issue that Yuuri’s been pondering about, that he needs to bring up with Viktor. He waits a while as they make their way further away from their new secret place, as if that will make everything more discreet for the two of them, but this time doesn’t hesitate to bring it up. After all, the earlier talk made everything much better already. It’s best to just get this over with, too.

“Am I allowed to tell anyone about us?” he asks softly, still trying to make sure no one will overhear them. Thankfully the crowds around them seem quite tense and loud and don’t seem to be paying them much attention, so Yuuri considers them to be relatively safe for the moment.

Yuuri turns to look at Viktor just in time to see him blink. “Such as?”

“I was thinking of Phichit,” Yuuri says. “I’m pretty sure he already knows anyway. I’m not that good at hiding my emotions. He was even able to guess how I feel about you before I allowed myself to realize it. It will probably only get harder to hide something like this from him from now on, especially if you and I going to have any type of relationship over Skype when we can’t see each other. I mean, Phichit and I live together, the walls are pretty thin at our apartment and he’s my only friend in Detroit...”

Viktor raises his hand to his chin in thought. “You may be correct,” he says, almost sounding like he’s talking more to himself than to Yuuri. “All right. If you can make him promise he won’t say a word to anyone, you can tell him.”

Yuuri nods with a smile, and can’t help bumping his hand against Viktor’s just a bit as a sign of gratitude. He knows exactly how big a show of trust this is from Viktor, and he can’t quite find the words to express how much that means to him. The simple touch is the best he can manage right now.

“I trust Phichit not to say anything. Not about this, not when it could have such grave consequences. He even respected my wishes not to talk about it before I came here in a show of good faith,” he says, hoping it might put Viktor more at ease.

Viktor nods. “He’s your friend. I trust him if you do.”

Yuuri smiles. “I won’t tell anyone else but him, I promise. I don’t think my family will guess anything is going on, and it’ll be easier to deny it all anyway if anyone from home does ask something. They don’t get to see me day-to-day so I doubt they’ll know the difference.” Viktor nods, but doesn’t say anything. It remains that way for a while, to the point where it starts to make Yuuri a little nervous. He quickly tries to think of a way of meeting Viktor halfway or bringing him some notion of comfort. “Do you…do you also want to tell someone? I think it’d be more fair if we both told one other person besides the two of us…”

To his surprise, this causes Viktor to let out a sad-sounding, broken laugh.

“Vitya?” he asks softly, made even more uncertain of what to do and expect by that reaction.

Viktor sighs, and it sounds so sad and defeated that Yuuri’s heart breaks a little. “Who would I tell?” he says, tone quiet and forcibly even. As he turns to meet Yuuri’s gaze, Yuuri is shocked to see that his eyes have turned murky and dark, like the sea in a storm, all deep and bottomless with sorrow. At that moment, more than ever before, Yuuri wishes he could take Viktor’s hand to hold in comfort, but he’s not sure if Viktor would appreciate that, given where they are right now. “I don’t really have people in my life I am close enough to, to trust them with something like this. Especially when the only other person I would perhaps trust enough to tell, is the very reason we need to hide in the first place.”

_Yakov_ , Yuuri thinks to himself. Out loud, he says, “What about your family?” He regrets his words almost immediately, as he sees Viktor stiffen and flinch beside him, his face growing paler and tenser, as if shocked deeply. “Sorry, forget I said anything…”

“It’s all right,” Viktor says, but it comes out more like a sigh. “I’m not mad. It’s just been a long time since I’ve had to talk or even think about my family.”

Yuuri’s well aware of that. He knows Viktor was asked about them multiple times as a young skater, and certain reporters had even managed to dig up who his mother and family were. But Viktor himself never gave any straight answers about the topic. This naturally led to rather wild speculations over the internet, and Yuuri has to admit he’s been quite curious himself over the years. It’s somewhat strange to realize he’s actually in a position to ask Viktor about it directly now.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri says, risking a gentle comforting touch on Viktor’s arm. He can feel his shoulders relax a little at that, and takes that as a sign to continue. “It’s just...you almost never talk about your family, aside from a few small mentions. You haven’t even talked about them to me. All you’ve really told me is that your mother used to live in Paris.” He pauses. “But you don’t have to tell me any more than that if you don’t want to.

“No,” Viktor says, taking in a breath and closing his eyes for a moment, as if bracing himself. Yuuri keeps holding onto his arm, hoping it might give him strength and comfort. “I suppose I ought to tell you about my family and my background sooner or later. You’ve shared yours with me, after all, and it is something you should know. So I might as well tell you now.”

He pauses momentarily, taking a few more deep breaths, before he continues. “My mother and her family are actually French. My family on her side is quite old, affluent and wealthy.” He takes another pause, licking his lips. “My mother’s family have always been great supporters and appreciators of the arts, and my mother was introduced to everything from painting to music to embroidery from a very young age. However, her one true love was ballet. She even quickly found herself not being content with just watching and supporting the dancers; she wanted to be one herself. She had talent and ambition, and my grandparents supported her dreams. Eventually, she found herself travelling to Russia to further pursue her dancing career. That’s where she met my father.

“My father was a senior employee for the Russian ballet company she danced for, working on a little bit of everything from instructing to casting, to choreographing to directing. I hear he had an uncanny ability to pick out upcoming talent; those that were guaranteed to succeed if merely given the correct tools. My mother was one of his discoveries.”

He sighs. “Now, my mother never spoke much about my father or the relationship they had, so I cannot say for certain what exactly took place between the two of them. Still, it can’t be denied he held much power over her, as he was not only someone who had the liberty to decide whether her very fondest dreams and aspirations would become a reality, but he was also many years her senior, and she was a young woman almost completely alone in a foreign country, without many friends to call her own. Regardless of the circumstances, however, my mother fell pregnant due to whatever happened between the two of them, and he didn’t stick around to carry his end of the responsibility.”

“Oh, Vitya…” Yuuri murmurs, unable to find anything else to say, feeling almost crushed underneath the empathetic sorrow for the man he loves. He’s starting to understand why Viktor didn’t want to talk about this more than he ever wished he needed to.

Viktor gives him a small smile, as if to let him know he’s noticed what Yuuri’s feeling, and that he appreciates it. However, he doesn’t comment on any of it out loud, simply continuing on his tale instead. “I am uncertain why my mother decided to keep me. I know becoming with child, let alone having one, rather derailed all her plans and goals. She’d wanted to be a great ballerina, and perhaps had she not chosen to keep me she even could’ve been one. But instead she chose to keep me, which led to her gaining an unfortunate reputation, and she never danced for Russian theaters again.”

Yuuri really wishes he could think of something to say, something that would make all of this less painful. This is clearly something Viktor has carried inside of himself for a long time, like a heavy stone of burden in his stomach. Yuuri can hear in his tone and words that he blames himself for what happened to his mother, and he wants to make that feeling go away. But how can he? How can he make Viktor believe that it wasn’t his fault? That he has nothing to be sorry about? That Yuuri is so grateful he’s here and alive and with him? How can he find the words for saying that?

How can he heal Viktor’s wounds when he can’t even heal his own?

Viktor continues, “She gave me the last name Nikiforov, my father’s name, I suppose in order to spite him. It was the only thing she could hold over him as a sign that I was as much his disgrace as I was hers. I grew up in Russia still, because she was reluctant to return to France at first, though we did speak French at home.” He pauses momentarily, as if to consider his next words. “As I said before, my mother’s family is very wealthy. She and I never had to worry about money when I was growing up, even if my mother had never worked another day in her life. My grandparents may have been disappointed in her and the choices that she made, but to them the disgrace of abandoning her would’ve been worse than not sticking by her at her darkest hour, even if it meant being associated with her scandalous misgivings. In time, however, my mother did find employment teaching ballet, even if she no longer performed it herself. She never did stop dancing. I remember often watching her in her studio.” A small wistful smile graces Viktor’s lips momentarily, but disappears almost as soon as it arrives. The sight of it makes Yuuri’s heart ache.

“She actually gave me my first ballet lessons, likely hoping I’d follow in her footsteps, but it never did feel quite right for me. It was only when I first stepped out onto the ice that I knew I was forever changed, when I felt that kind of love she probably hoped I’d feel for dancing. And to her credit, she allowed me to take skating lessons and financed my career up until I could start paying for most of it myself. She even gave me Makkachin for my 12th birthday, as much as she claimed to hate animals, because I’d long wished for a poodle.

“Eventually, my mother returned to France when I entered my teens. Evidently she felt since I was competing on an international level and was never home much in either case, she’d done her duty and could trust me to be able to take care of myself. I visited her in the summer for the first few years of our separation, but I never enjoyed my time in Paris much when she was in it. It didn’t take me too long to stop going altogether. And now I haven’t spoken to her in a few years.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri breathes, again for the lack of anything better to say, his eyes burning with unshed tears of empathy. Having heard such a tale, he doesn’t hesitate anymore, and lets his hand pass down Viktor’s arm until he can take a hold of his hand. He squeezes it tightly, hoping it might bring him at least some semblance of comfort. “I’m so sorry...I had no idea.”

Viktor shrugs. “It was a long time ago. I’m better off without her in my life. We were both making each other miserable by the end.”

Yuuri wants to believe that, and it may even be partially true. He certainly thinks Viktor is better off without his mother, that she doesn’t deserve him as a son. But he also can’t help but think that Viktor may only be telling himself that he’s happier without her in his life because it’s less painful than to admit he still misses his mother, that he’s always longed to be loved by her, and yet never was, not in the right ways. That not seeing his mother at all might only be the lesser of two evils, when he can’t have it exactly the way he wants to. Still, sometimes the kind thing to do is just believe and not push, to allow people their pieces of denial. Just having had Viktor tell him this much is enough.

“Thank you for telling me all of this,” Yuuri murmurs, and allows himself to press his head against Viktor’s shoulder for a brief moment. He would prefer to stay leaning against him, but he knows he can’t. Not here. “I know it wasn’t easy for you. But I’m really happy you felt like you could share this with me.”

“I’ve never been able to open up to anyone else in the way I have with you,” Viktor admits, his voice growing hoarse and hollow-sounding. His eyes are looking a little glassy and red around the edges, too. “You’re the only one.”

Not knowing what else to do to make the loneliness he hears in Viktor’s tone better in any way, Yuuri stops walking to pull Viktor into his arms for a hug. He can afford to do at least this much when Viktor clearly needs him to do _something_. Friends do hug, after all, so this should be okay, even if someone were to see them. And in any case, Viktor is the most important thing right now. If Yuuri can’t find the words to comfort him, perhaps he can let him know he’s here, if only through a gesture like this. He may not be able to heal Viktor’s wounds, just like Viktor can’t heal his, but he can at least be there for him. He can at least perhaps help him deal with some of the pain and let him know he’s no longer alone.

Still, feeling like he has to say something as well, to at least try and make it better, he settles on, “I love everything I learn about you. I hope you never stop sharing things with me. I want to know everything. I want to know the _real_ Viktor Nikiforov. I want to know _you_ , even the places that hurt or that you don’t think matter, or that you don’t think I would want to see.”

At his words, he feels Viktor stiffen in his arms, and for a moment Yuuri’s terrified he’s said the wrong thing. But then Viktor clings to him even tighter, seeming to almost sag against him, and Yuuri can hear a sniffle. Before he can think of what that might mean, he feels something wet drop onto his neck, and he realizes Viktor’s _crying_.

Yuuri’s just about to apologize for whatever he just said that may have caused it, but Viktor speaks over him before he can. “ _Thank you_ ,” he gasps into Yuuri’s neck, and holds onto him even tighter, like Yuuri is the only thing holding him up. And it’s all Yuuri can do to hold him tighter back, hoping he might be able to make at least a bit of a difference for him. “I don’t think…I don’t think anyone’s ever said something like that to me. This is why…”

Yuuri breathes out a small sigh of relief into Viktor’s shoulder, placing a secret, hidden kiss there after, almost like a blessing. “I prefer the real you. Always. Don’t ever feel like you have to hide yourself around me.”

Viktor doesn’t say anything more, but Yuuri can tell that it was the right thing to say. They stay there, holding onto each other, for quite a while.

…

It’s a little later, after Viktor has composed himself and Yuuri’s offered him some tissues and a few kind, fumbling words that something occurs to Yuuri. He and Viktor are making their way back to the hotel now, side by side, although still not holding hands, in a comfortable enough silence. But it feels like a good enough day to bring this up, with everything they have already shared so far during it.

“Vitya, can I ask you something?”

“Of course, Yuuri,” Viktor says gently. The corners of his eyes still look a bit red, but the smile on his lips seems genuine. “What is it?”

“Well, you said earlier that I’m...that I’m the only person you’ve ever really opened up to like this,” Yuuri says, hoping it won’t lead to another reminder of the sadness Viktor felt before. At seeing no shift in Viktor’s expression, Yuuri continues. “And just now I remembered...what about Chris? Aren’t you two friends?”

Viktor shrugs. “I’m not sure if that’s the right word to use for what Chris and I are. We’ve never been friends in the way you and I have. The way I am still friends with you, even though I am also more, now” Yuuri feels his cheeks flush, but he smiles. It’s still a bit unbelievable for him.

“It is true that I’ve known Chris for a long time,” Viktor continues. “But we’ve never been close in a real way. I don’t think I’ve ever told him anything personal that he couldn’t have already found out from an interview somewhere. There’s also the fact that we’ve competed against each other for many years now, and I know Chris has hoped he could beat me someday. That rings true for most skaters in the world, however.” He laughs a little humorlessly.

“It must sting that he has never really been able to do that, and it is a barrier between the two of us,” he says. “It likely always will be, if he continues to lose to me. Chris is good company in competitions, and we’ve managed to have fun together sometimes in the past, but…the truth is, we’re not really friends and I don’t really miss him when I don’t see him. Not like I missed you, even back when the two of us were merely friends.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri says. He seems to be saying that a lot today. Perhaps it would be easier to just stop talking.

“It’s all right,” Viktor says, giving him another small, genuine smile. “Like you said before, I’m not alone anymore.”

“It’s still strange to me though,” Yuuri admits. “That he could resent you for winning over him. For me, skating is all the more fun when I get to compete with my friends, no matter who places higher.”

“That’s because you’re very special, Yuuri,” Viktor says, his voice soft and full of tenderness that Yuuri can see reflected and sparkling in his eyes as he looks into them.

Yuuri in turn blushes, but smiles, and the two of them slowly fall back into their earlier comfortable silence. Yuuri thinks about Phichit and their deal to never resent each other based on who won in skating. He thinks of Viktor and himself, and how much he always loves to see Viktor succeed; how much Viktor always cheers for him when he succeeds, too. How for him, skating is what has brought both Phichit and Viktor into his life and closer to him, and made them his real friends, even if they are also his competitors. He even thinks of Yuuko and Nishigori, and how he also met them through skating, though they never really directly competed against one another. It feels so terribly sad that Viktor hasn’t had that sort of comradery from other skaters before Yuuri. As he thinks of Viktor and Chris, a phrase he’s learned in America comes to mind: _fair weather friends_. Those people you can spend time with and have fun with when the good times keep on coming, but who wouldn’t be there for you when the bad times occur.

It’s saddening to know that seems to be the only type of friend Viktor has ever known before now. It seems highly likely that Viktor doesn’t have all that many real friends. No one he could really talk to about this, other than Yuuri himself. It’s now perhaps only for the first time that Yuuri’s beginning to understand how much Viktor, too, has sacrificed to get where he is now. How difficult it may be to be known as the “Living Legend.” Hell, even Yuuri himself used to be too afraid to approach Viktor, putting him on such a high pedestal as his idol that he felt unworthy of being in his presence. That may not have been resentment, but it’s still another obstacle between Viktor and other people. _It’s lonely at the top._

_I promise I’ll always stay by you,_ Yuuri thinks to himself, glancing over at Viktor. He looks breathtakingly beautiful in the evening light of Turin, the setting sun making his hair gleam almost golden and creating a halo around him. _As long as you’ll let me, I’ll stay by you. I’ll love you for who you are, even if no one else will. I will know the real you, even if no one else will care to. This is what I promise._

He doesn’t let himself think about how much that sounds like a very certain kind of vow.

…

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 1 h 25 m

[image] [image] [image] [image]

From @v-nikiforov’s Instagram. He and Yuuri touring in Turin :). So cute <3\. #VictuuriIsReal #Victuuri #TurinGPF

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 1 h 18 m

Aww, they’re so sweet <3\. #Victuuri

 

Victory for Victuuri @tovictory · 1h 10 m

Aaaaah, I love them <3\. They’re adorable :). #TurinGPF #Victuuri #PodiumBaes

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 1 h 3 m

They look so happy and sweet together :). #TurinGPF #Victuuri

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 58 m

As a long-time fan of Vitya’s, I’m just really happy he’s happy <3\. #viktornikiforov #katsukiyuuri #TurinGPF

 

Bros 4fore Hoes @broman · 53 m

u gals do realize they r jus frans right? bros? not hoes? #letbrosbebros

 

Victory for Victuuri @tovictory · 47 m

Shhh, let me have this. #Victuuri

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 44 m

Besides, who’re we to say they’re not together? It’s not like they can broadcast it to the world.

 

North Pole @poleofice · 40 m

u r all sick. they r real people u kno, n they could get in trouble fr this. #TurinGPF #viktornikiforov #katsukiyuuri

 

Ice Princess @iceprincess · 38 m

[image] [image] [image]

Omg u guys, I think I jus witnessed #Victuuri hugging in the street in Turin!

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 35 m

I would like to thank not only #God but also #Jesus, as well as you @iceprincess. You’re doing the lord’s work. #Victuuri

 

Victory for Victuuri @tovictory · 32 m

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 30 m

I’m so glad Vitya has someone to hug now <3\. #viktornikiforov #katsukiyuuri #TurinGPF

 

Bedridden @bedrider · 28 m

idk why but to me it feels like viktor is sad in those pics. it’s a good thing yuuri’s there to make it better :).

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 27 m

@bedrider You have a point. Given Viktor’s programs of late, perhaps he’s been going through some stuff. But it’s good Yuuri’s there now :).

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 24 m

You’re both idiots @bedrider @glasshearts. Vitya’s got nothing to be sad abt. Plus, I’d know if he was going through something.

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 20 m

@vityaswoman You do realize celebrities have things in their lives that they don’t share on social media right? #viktornikiforov

 

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 17 m

I’m so happy my ship is real <3\. #Victuuri

 

Bros 4fore Hoes @broman · 15 m

again, doesnt prove anything. who can u hug if not ur best bro? #viktornikiforov #katsukiyuuri #manlyhugs #brohugs

...

Because the next day is the day of the competition, Viktor and Yuuri both need plenty of rest, Yuuri especially with his jet lag, so they choose not to go to dinner and to have an early night instead. Celestino is still out by the time Yuuri gets back to their shared hotel room, likely touring the city on his own, so Yuuri orders some food from room service, settling to eat it before heading to take a shower.

He feels pretty dazed again, all alone with his thoughts and memories about the day. He can’t make his heart stop hammering in his chest, which made swallowing rather difficult as he was eating, causing him not to have much appetite. Perhaps he should fall in love more often if it means he’ll have an easier time sticking to his diet plan.

As he stands underneath the hot water of the shower, letting the warmth and steam clear his head and relax his muscles, his thoughts keep returning to that incident in the secret alley. To the way it felt to kiss Viktor, to the way Viktor looked afterwards, to the sound he made as Yuuri shifted against him, the way Yuuri could see and feel him hard in his pants…

It doesn’t take much more than that for his own arousal to waken once again. But this time he doesn’t feel guilty about it like he has in the past, and doesn’t turn on the cold water to make it go away. After all, Viktor is his now, no matter how short or long a time that may be. Viktor had reacted to _him_ in return, his body clearly desiring him even if Yuuri can’t be quite sure if they’re ready to take that step for real yet. After all, neither one of them has even said the “L” word yet, even if Yuuri knows now that he feels it. But Viktor is nonetheless his boyfriend now, not his friend or his idol that he’s trying to deny his feelings towards. If there’s anyone he’s allowed to touch himself to, it should be his boyfriend. He takes himself in hand.

It doesn’t take him long. He’s been pent up for far too long, resisting this urge to indulge himself in this way, and he’s still wound up from the earlier events of today. He comes hard with Viktor’s name on his lips, painting the shower walls white, and feels much more relaxed afterwards, even if he’s also slightly embarrassed. And yet, at the same time, he feels powerful and like nothing can stop him. Like he can’t be taken down or beaten. He’s never felt like this right before a competition, but all he can think about is how much he hopes it continues. He much prefers this to the overwhelming nerves. He should start doing this more often.

Though it’s probably not the release alone that makes him feel like this. It’s knowing he’s allowed to do this, now that he has Viktor’s attention and affection, and that he doesn’t have to share him with anyone else. No matter what, he will always be the first one Viktor opened up to. That is something he will get to carry inside of himself for the rest of his life. In that way, he’ll always have a piece of Viktor for him and him alone, to cherish and to love, even when the time comes that Viktor may no longer love him.

Yuuri dries up quickly, and feeling as relaxed as he is, decides to settle into bed to get some sleep for tomorrow. While he brushes his teeth, he takes out his phone and almost without thinking, sends  a text to Viktor.

_From: Me_

_About to sleep. Thinking of you._

He’s spitting into the sink when he realizes what he just wrote. And how it might sound. And that it’s not actually that far off, given what he just did in the shower. It almost makes him choke on the toothpaste still in his mouth.

Before he can work out something to text Viktor that might make what he just wrote sound a little less perverted, his phone dings with a reply.

_From: Vitya_

_ <3\. same here tbh. i wish u werent so far away :(. _

Yuuri breathes a huge sigh of relief. Apparently Viktor didn’t take his words the wrong way, thankfully. It also warms Yuuri’s heart to know he’s not alone in his longing of his…boyfriend. The word still feels strange to think about, and it makes his heart do a triple axel in his chest.

_From: Me_

_Me too. Good night._

_From: Vitya_

_gnight! sleep tight! <3\. _

Yuuri smiles to himself, making sure to put an alarm on for himself to wake up to tomorrow, before walking over to his bed and sliding himself comfortably underneath the warm covers. The curtains are already drawn from before he stepped into the shower, and the only light he has on is on his nightstand. He puts his phone on silent so he won’t be disturbed during the night, turns off the light, and lies down. He just hopes Celestino will be quiet when he comes back.

As he sleeps, he dreams about the ice, and of Viktor, and for once the competition is the furthest thing from his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like @vityaswoman thinks Viktor is straight.
> 
> So far I've been using nicknames of my own design for the social media bits, but I might need some more in the future and they're not easy to come up with. Therefore, if you would like your url forever immortalized in this fanfic, leave your preferred one in a comment and I'll see if I can include it later :). I'm likely going to need more urls for Victuuri fans.


	8. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Days are slowly getting longer and as a result I have more energy, but real life and job applications call for my attention and time. I can't promise the next chapter will be on time, though I'll try. Enjoy this until then :).
> 
> Also there's some naughtiness in this chapter. Nothing much more than the last one, but still ;).

The next morning, Yuuri wakes up feeling both refreshed and confident to greet the bright and sunny day opening up before him. It feels almost like the weather outside is reflecting his good mood and celebrating with him, giving him clear skies to wish him the best of luck for the competition. He fills himself with that feeling to his very core, like a piece of the sun is shining inside of him. He carries it with him all through his morning rituals and to the arena for the last practice session before the Grand Prix Final will start. He doesn’t get a chance to talk to Viktor before practice, but they wave and smile at each other from a distance whenever they spot one another, and Yuuri adds the sweetness of Viktor’s smile to his reasons to be in a good mood.

He keeps that feeling inside of himself even as he steps onto the ice for the final practice, letting it guide him through his step sequences and spins and jumps. He barely even registers how smoothly he’s proceeding through all of them, his transitions elegant, and his jumps stable and beautiful. For once, Yuuri’s not overthinking everything he does. In fact, he’s barely thinking at all; he’s only _feeling_. He’s completely lost in the knowledge that he of all people knows Viktor’s love, and that today, he will get to show that love to the whole world on the ice while he competes against the man he loves. With every glance he gives to Viktor, and that Viktor returns, he draws more strength and faith in himself and in Viktor. He uses them to chase away any bad thoughts or feelings he might have, and replaces them with thoughts about his programs, skating and Viktor. He doesn’t allow there to be room for anything else in his mind right now.

Eventually, the practice session comes to an end and Yuuri heads off to the rinkside to exit the ice. Celestino is there to receive him with his skate guards and a bottle of water that Yuuri gratefully accepts. He’s starting to come down from the adrenaline rush of skating and emotions, and is beginning to realize how thirsty and sweaty he has become.

“Yuuri,” Celestino says as Yuuri swallows a few good mouthfuls of water. “You’re doing extremely well today. If you can keep this up, you’ll be amazing in the competition.”

Yuuri smiles, for once without shame or embarrassment. “Thank you, coach. I’ll do my best.”

“That’s what I’ve been wanting to hear you say for a long time now,” Celestino says, reaching over to pat Yuuri on the shoulder. “I don’t know where this change of mood has come from, but I must say that I hope it continues. This type of confidence is exactly what you need for your programs to be great, and it certainly won’t hurt in the long run either.”

Yuuri shrugs sheepishly, but can’t help the fact that his smile drops a little at Celestino’s words. He takes the opportunity to drink more from his bottle to hide this, hoping Celestino won’t notice. Yuuri knows what his coach means, and he himself certainly wishes that he could be like this all the time. That he didn’t have to suffer through his nerves and anxiety, and have them affect him at the most inopportune times. He knows Celestino has faith in him and has supported him in getting better, more than he could ever have asked for, but it doesn’t mean his words aren’t slightly hurtful. He’s been working so hard in getting to where he is, both with his skating and with his mental issues, but he knows it’s likely he’ll never be quite “normal.” And to hear Celestino even imply that’s what he might prefer him to be like, hurts. It feels like a stab to all of Yuuri’s worst fears; that he’s a burden and a weakling who doesn’t deserve any of the good things he has in his life.

Celestino continues, evidently not noticing Yuuri’s stormy emotions, “If you keep this confidence up, I dare say you could even give Nikiforov a run for his money.”

As soon as those words leave his coach’s mouth, Yuuri finds himself gasping whilst drinking his water, causing him to breathe the liquid in down his windpipe. He doesn’t even have the proper time to react before he’s coughing heavily, struggling for air and to clear his airwaves. He’s coughing so much and so desperately that it’s actually starting to make him feel a little nauseous. He’s vaguely aware of Celestino hitting and rubbing his back to try and help him, all the while apologizing in-between for startling him. Honestly, Yuuri kind of wishes he wouldn’t, that he’d just pretend this wasn’t all happening, because it’s just making everything worse. It keeps reminding him of Celestino’s words, of his expressed expectations and hopes that Yuuri might never be able to fulfil. He’s starting to feel sick to his stomach in a far more familiar and awful way than just from the coughing, and his hands are starting to grow clammy and cold too. _No, no, no, no…_

“Don’t be ridiculous, coach,” Yuuri manages to say through his jitters and finally cleared out lungs, although his voice still comes out slightly hoarse. “Viktor is the best men’s singles skater of our generation, possibly of all time, if he keeps going as he has. I can’t even hope to compare.”

“You shouldn’t say that, Yuuri,” Celestino says gently, like Yuuri is a small child who just doesn’t understand or listen. It kind of makes Yuuri want to scream. “You’ve been doing so well since Worlds last year, and you’re honestly not that far behind Nikiforov. Hell, at the Rostelecom Cup you were the silver to his gold! Not to mention that the gap between your points keeps shrinking with every competition. If you keep putting in the work and make getting gold over him your goal; if you keep creating programs that showcase your strengths, telling stories that are true to you…I’d say it’s anyone’s game who wins. It may only be a matter of time.” He pauses. “Unless you don’t want that?”

Yuuri bites his lip, feeling the cold sweats starting to gather at the back of his neck. If he’s being honest, he could admit beating Viktor is another of his lifelong dreams, but it’s also the one he’s certain will never come true. He barely dares to even think about that particular dream inside his head, let alone admit it out loud. It would sound like the peak of narcissism to think he could someday be better than Viktor, when even being second best to him is something to be incredibly proud of; the peak of what he’s realistically allowed himself to set as a goal. If he dared to even hope for more, he’s certain it would just mean he’d mess it up somehow.

His talk with Viktor the day before has only added to this fear. What if he set beating Viktor as a goal, and he would lose being able to see Viktor the Person to that goal just like everyone else? What if having that goal, and not succeeding, would make him grow to hate Viktor? Or worse, what if he _did_ beat Viktor and it lead to Viktor hating _him_?

Of course, he can’t say any of this to Celestino. Honestly, he doesn’t know what he _can_ say that would satisfy him and not make him suspicious. In the end, he settles for not saying anything on the matter, and instead avoiding it with, “I need to go use the bathroom.”

Before Celestino can argue, Yuuri hurries away and shuts out any and all protests his coach might have. He can feel the way his breathing is starting to hitch in his throat, and his body is growing cold and beginning to shake. What he needs right now is a quiet, calm space where he doesn’t have to explain himself to anyone and can just focus on grounding himself and calming down, before he works himself into a full-blown panic attack. He needs to work on getting back into his earlier mindset, just focusing on his programs and what he wants to say with them, rather than on whether he wants to, or even can beat Viktor one day.

He thinks about actually going to the bathroom to calm down, but anyone could come in there and then he’d have to try and be very quiet to make it seem like he’s not there. Instead, he decides to head for the changing rooms. Everyone has already put on their costumes for the day, so they should be deserted and he might be able to get the needed privacy better there. He forces his legs to move faster, even as his breathing starts to become shorter and he’s beginning to shiver from the onsetting cold, his hands twitching. He can’t quite tell if his heart is racing from the running and the practice from before, or from the onsetting anxiety, his blood rushing into his ears.

He supposes he should’ve expected this to happen sooner or later. It’s his first Senior Grand Prix Final and both the stakes and expectations are high. And Yuuri can’t ever hope to keep up his good spirits for long it seems. He shouldn’t even try. Like Celestino said, everything would be so much simpler if he could just get his stupid brain to listen and not do this to him all the time. _I’m going to fail, I’m going to fail, I’m going to fail, I’m going to fail…_

_No._ He needs to focus. This is just his anxiety talking. He just needs to deal with it. This is a panic attack. He’s had them before, so he can make it through this time. He finally manages to get to the changing rooms, and quickly finds himself a quiet corner, hidden by all the lockers and their shadows, and makes himself a space there. He focuses on that, on the cold floor beneath him, on the way the shadows and sun from the small windows play on the floor. How the air smells of stale sweat and the cheap soap in the showers. He breathes it all into his lungs, taking long and slow gulps of air.

_You’ve made it this far. You did really well in your qualifiers. Vitya believes in you. So believe in yourself_ , he repeats to himself in a mantra inside his head, doing his best to chase any bad thoughts away. He slowly starts to pick at the skin by his nails to have something for his hands to do. He’s been trying to break this habit, but at times like these he really can’t help himself. With his other hand he squeezes his legs against his body so tightly it almost hurts, counting his breaths slowly in his head. His thoughts are slowly starting to clear, but he still needs to get his heartbeat and air intake under control.

It’s then that he hears the door to the changing rooms swing open, and with it, his breath hitching in his throat. He tries to curl into an even tighter ball and hopes his breathing isn’t coming out too loud. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. Perhaps if he’s quiet and small enough they won’t notice he’s here?

“Yuuri?” he hears a familiar smooth voice speak, as soft steps sound on the floor. It’s enough to make him relax and soothe him a little. It’s just Viktor. If Yuuri must have someone see him in this state, he’s glad it’s Viktor. At least he has already seen him have attacks, and therefore knows a bit about what to do, and he’s also someone Yuuri trusts. “Yuuri, are you here?”

“I’m…I’m here,” Yuuri croaks out, because Viktor sounds worried.

As Viktor’s footsteps start to sound closer to him, Yuuri allows himself to glance up a little too. As soon as he sees Viktor’s legs and feet just by him, he crouches down to Yuuri’s level, and Yuuri can see the concerned frown on his face, and the way his gentle eyes are darkened with uncertainty.

“Are you alright?” Viktor asks softly. “Do you want me to leave?”

Yuuri manages to shake his head just a little. He’s still feeling rather raw and overwhelmed, and he’s not sure he can manage words quite yet, but he doesn’t mind Viktor being here. Besides, Viktor has actually been quite helpful in assisting Yuuri through his attacks, so there is really no reason to hide from him, even if a part of Yuuri still feels a bit ashamed. Viktor just nods in return as well, before offering his hand.

“Here, you can hold onto me if you wish,” he says, and Yuuri grabs onto his hand. He focuses on the way it feels in his own, using it to ground himself and to even out his breathing. Viktor’s hand is so warm in his hold, and not for the first time he thinks it’s almost like their hands were meant to hold each other. He tries to avoid digging his fingers into Viktor’s hand so he won’t hurt him too badly, but he’s still sure he’s probably grasping on too strongly. But he just can’t make himself loosen his grip. It’s his best anchor in reality right now, and if Viktor minds, he doesn’t show it or say anything.

For a while, the two of them just stay there on the floor in silence, holding hands. Viktor doesn’t even count Yuuri’s breaths for him this time. He seems to understand Yuuri just wants a moment to rest, to take some time for himself, and he’s willing to provide that for him. Still, Yuuri finds himself almost subconsciously listening to Viktor’s breathing and mimicking it with his own, little by little, as he keeps staring at Viktor’s face, the face he loves the most in this world.

Slowly, as he keeps breathing and holding onto Viktor, Yuuri’s heart-rate begins to go down, and bit by bit, he starts to feel a bit more like a proper person again. He’s a little dizzy and dazed, but he thinks he’s just about ready to go back now. Stretches and other warm-ups will help him focus again and take his mind off things.

To let Viktor know, he murmurs a soft, “Thank you.” His voice still comes out sounding rather croaky.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Viktor says softly, reaching over to softly caress the side of Yuuri’s face with the hand that isn’t holding Yuuri’s, a gentle and affectionate but also slightly worried smile on his lips. The touch is especially warm on Yuuri’s chilled cheeks, and he sighs a little at how good it feels. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri says softly, before trying to clear his throat a little. “I’m just…glad it was you and not somebody else who found me.”

“Where is your coach anyway?” Viktor asks, and his smile seems to gain a bit of that tense edge he tends to use when he’s trying not to show what he’s really feeling. Based on his words and the tone of his voice, this time it’s anger born out of worry. “Shouldn’t he be there for you at times like this?”

“Don’t be mad at him, Vitya,” Yuuri says, hoping the diminutive might soothe the man. It doesn’t seem to do much, though, so Yuuri continues, “I was the one who came in here to hide.  I didn’t want Celestino to see me like that. I just wanted to be alone for a while to calm down.” He bites his lip. He’s already decided not to mention that Celestino’s words were at least partly the cause for this particular anxiety attack, just like he’s not going to tell Celestino himself about it. It would only cause unnecessary blame and guilt for everyone involved. It’s not Celestino’s fault that Yuuri’s brain won’t work right and let him be; that he can’t deal with things that would be a breeze for others to handle.

Viktor’s expression melts back into a more genuinely soft and concerned one, as he begins to gently stroke Yuuri’s cheek with his thumb. “You know best what to do when you get like this. I’m not judging you for that. But you don’t have to deal with any of this alone, you know that right? You were the one who told me I wasn’t alone anymore. I want you to know and remember that it goes both ways. I’m here for you if you ever need me.”

“And you were,” Yuuri says, managing a small smile, reaching up to cover Viktor’s hand with his own on the side of his face. “I wasn’t alone, even this time. You were there for me.”

Viktor returns the smile before reaching with his gentle, elegant fingers to brush Yuuri’s bangs out of his eyes. “I couldn’t tell for sure yesterday, since you were wearing your hat, but you really haven’t cut your hair since Rostelecom, have you?” As Yuuri lets his hand slip away from Viktor’s, Viktor reaches behind Yuuri’s head to run the tiny ponytail he’s put his hair in between his fingers. As he does, his touch just manages to brush the soft short hairs at the back of Yuuri’s neck, and it makes shivers run down his spine with its intimacy.

Hoping Viktor didn’t notice the shiver, Yuuri gives him a slightly sheepish smile. “Yeah, I kind of…always wanted to grow it out.” He’d loved the way long hair had looked on Viktor the first time he’d seen him after all, and since then he’d been wondering if he could pull it off, too. “I just didn’t really know if I should, or if it would look good. And like I said before, longer hair would make me stand out more, and I didn’t like the idea of that, especially while I was still living in Japan.”

Hasetsu is, after all, a small enough town that nearly everyone there knows everyone else, and Yuuri is especially well-known for both his status as an international athlete and for being the only son of the Katsuki family, who have been running the Yuutopia Katsuki Onsen for generations now. He was easy to recognize as it was in Hasetsu, even without the longer hair to add to it, and it might’ve even attracted negative attention while he was still in high school. In Detroit it’s much easier. It’s a big enough city for him to disappear into the masses, and in the college circles everyone is always trying out new things and styles anyway, like growing out their hair, or dying it, or getting tattoos or piercings. If the people surrounding Yuuri aren’t very interested in figure skating, Yuuri is a relative nobody in the small circles of people he inhabits, and even at the skating club, most people tend to leave him be. So after Viktor had given him the push to try growing his hair out, he had figured he might as well. After all, like Viktor said, it was just hair. If he didn’t like it, he could always get it cut. But so far he finds he quite likes his new look. The low ponytail even fits with the royal-like air he’s been trying to emulate in his programs.  

“Well, I’m glad you’ve found the courage to try it out,” Viktor says, his smile growing into a heart-shaped beam. “It really looks very lovely on you.”

Yuuri blushes a little, but smiles all the same. “Thanks. I kind of like it too. I think I’ll let it grow for a while, if I don’t get bored of it.”

“I’m sure you’ll look amazing,” Viktor says, before starting to slowly stand up. “Wait here, I’ll go get you some water. Then we can head out to do our stretches before the short programs start. That is, if you feel well enough now to go outside?”

“I think I’m okay. Thanks, Vitya,” Yuuri says, and allows Viktor to help him on his feet, before Viktor goes into the bathroom of the changing rooms to bring Yuuri some water in one of those free plastic cups.

…

Yuuri leaves Viktor’s side for just long enough to find Celestino so he won’t worry, before going back to find Viktor again. Yuuri spots him talking in low tones with Chris in French, so Yuuri can’t tell what they’re saying, but he can make out his own name being dropped a few times. Chris’s tone seems to alter between sly and annoyed, while Viktor keeps his own politically neutral. He has that fake smile on that Yuuri has grown to dislike so much. It seems to almost serve as visible proof that Viktor and Chris can’t really be considered friends if Viktor speaks to him like he would to the press, and like he can’t relax or be himself around Chris.  

Perhaps Yuuri really is Viktor’s only real friend in the world. He hasn’t seen Viktor interact with many other people aside from him, so he hadn’t even considered that a possibility before Viktor himself brought it up, but knowing what he does now, and seeing this with his own eyes really seems to put every conversation he’s ever had with Viktor into perspective. It’s sobering to witness how alone Viktor must feel in the world.

Perhaps one day Viktor will realize Yuuri is really nothing special, and understand that just because Yuuri was the first person he was able to make a connection with, doesn’t mean he has to be the last or the best. The world is full of so many incredible people who are bound to be drawn to Viktor, the _real_ Viktor. Once Viktor meets them he may realize how unremarkable Yuuri really is in comparison, and how much easier it would be with someone whom he’s not risking so much for, and can only see a few times a year. But for now…for now, Yuuri has Viktor’s time, and he needs to make the most of it. Make each and every day count.

Just then, Viktor turns around to look over his shoulder and spots him. His lips twist into a happy, genuine smile that is such a contrast to the one he was giving Chris earlier, that it makes Yuuri’s heart swell. Viktor turns back to Chris just long enough to make his excuses before making his way over to Yuuri in a few quick strides.

“Hi,” he says. “Did everything go well?”

Yuuri nods, overcome with affection and a touch of sadness he can’t quite make disappear, even as he wordlessly prepares to settle into a stretch. Viktor is quick to take his place by his side to do the same.

“What were you and Chris talking about?” Yuuri asks after Viktor has properly settled down next to him.

“Oh, this and that, nothing very interesting,” Viktor says, shrugging. “For the most part, he wished to know why I didn’t want to go out with him later, after the competition.”

Yuuri raises an eyebrow. “Why didn’t you?”

Viktor sighs, settling deeper into his stretch. “Frankly, I’m tired of the whole club scene. I’ve never been especially fond of it in the first place, but it was better than going back to an empty hotel room with nothing to do before sleep would come.” Yuuri’s heart hurts to hear this. How could he not have seen before how alone Viktor really was? “Now I have something better to do with any free time I may have.” His eyes seem to burn into Yuuri with their intensity, leaving no doubt of who he means. “Something much better.”

Yuuri can feel his cheeks turn warm, but he smiles in return. Honestly, he’s not sure if he’s sadder that Viktor’s been alone for so long, or that no one has bothered to find out what a wonderful person he is before him. How could anyone not love this man once they met him? How could he himself have not? And now, whether he’s worthy of him or not, Viktor is all Yuuri’s, and Yuuri won’t let anyone else have him the way he does, until Viktor personally wants him to. Until then, he’ll hold on with both hands, and he’ll let the rest of the world know it too. He’ll show all of them what Viktor’s love has given him.

Yuuri allows that thought to fester inside of him, letting it pour into the very ends of his being and mind through the warmups and stretches. He nurses the spark inside of him until it bursts into flames with every glance and smile Viktor gives him, every word of faith and every touch of encouragement. He lets them grow and _burn_ , right up until the point that Celestino comes to get him because it’s his turn to take to the ice soon.

Before he goes on his way, he turns to look Viktor deep in the eyes and puts his hand on his elbow in a sneaky yet warm and secretive touch. In a low voice, Yuuri murmurs, “In this competition, I’ll be skating for you. I’ll show the world what you mean to me, so please watch me.”

Yuuri’s delighted to see the way Viktor’s cheeks turn pink at his words, his beautiful eyes widening and his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. He smiles a little at the fact Viktor apparently needs to swallow pretty heavily too, and then goes on his way before Viktor can even reply. He knows he’s made his point clear.

Yuuri makes his way to the rinkside with Celestino, but doesn’t stick around for much of a pep talk. He’s in the mindset he needs to be in, and right now he doesn’t want to listen to any more talk, especially when it might ruin the confidence he so desperately needs at the moment. He just lets Celestino take his skate guards, and then heads to the center of the ice to wait for his cue to start skating.

As he hears the first notes of his short program music play in his ears, he no longer thinks. He just allows the music to pour through his body, mixing it with how he feels about Viktor, and then he _skates_ . He skates his ongoing journey into becoming a better athlete, as well as a better person; someone who can hold Viktor’s attention and can be worthy of it. As he goes on this journey, he discovers not just who he is, but who he can be, slowly beginning to find his own worth the longer he moves. He allows his heart to be filled with the music and the movement, the emotions and the hopes he has, letting them guide him through the program to the degree he doesn’t even think of what he’s doing much. He just _feels_.

He’s still in a daze of emotions as he strikes his final pose. He’s barely able to hold back the tears, when he’s revealed so much of what he’s been carrying inside of himself so suddenly and openly that all the rest of it is now threatening to come spilling out. He’s still completely wrapped up in the program and the way skating it had made him feel, his head swimming and his heart thrumming. It’s only when the audience bursts into thunderous applause and cheers that he starts to feel a little bit more awake. He can barely remember what he just skated, but he can’t have done too badly if the volume of the crowd is anything to go by.

Yuuri makes his final bows for the crowd, grabs a bouquet of flowers and a huge sushi plush off the ice on his way to the rinkside, and allows Celestino to greet him with a huge embrace.

“You were amazing Yuuri!” he cheers, patting Yuuri enthusiastically on the back. “I’m so proud of you! If you can skate like that in the free program as well, you’ll medal for sure!”

“Th-thank you coach,” Yuuri murmurs into Celestino’s shoulder. He still feels a bit like he hasn’t fully come down from what he just did. He’s strangely dizzy with the feeling, as though everything isn’t quite real right now. Still, he follows Celestino to the Kiss & Cry, letting his coach guide him for the moment, and finds himself a little grateful that still being high on adrenaline helps him not to feel nervous as they wait to hear his scores.

The numbers that eventually come out for them to view are high. It’s a new personal best by far for Yuuri, and Celestino is quick to pull him into another tight congratulatory hug. And yet, Yuuri can barely feel the pride. The scores feel almost secondary to the feelings he already got to show on the ice. He knows he did well, knows he skated his heart out and put everything he had on show, and it paid off. That’s what is most important to him right now.

Yuuri decides to stick around by the rinkside to watch Viktor skate, since his turn is right after his. He stays far enough out of the way that he won’t be a distraction, but he looks on as Viktor exchanges last words with his coach, steps onto the ice and finally begins to skate. He’s beautiful on the ice as always, but if Yuuri was being completely honest, he would say that he can’t see much improvement between how Viktor performs his short program here what he saw at the Rostelecom Cup.

He feels horrible for thinking that, knowing how hard Viktor has worked for this and what he’s sacrificed for it, but he still can’t shake the feeling that the way Viktor skates doesn’t feel quite as genuine and honest as he did before. Perhaps it is to be expected. The program is meant to start out rather dark and sorrowful, telling the tale of Viktor before he finally woke up to see the world of beauty around himself. But now the Viktor skating this program is already aware of that beauty, possibly too much so to be able to do this particular program justice, and Yuuri can’t blame him for that. It can’t be easy for Viktor to go back to the old numbness of his days from before, and it’s not like Yuuri likes to dwell on his darkest days either.

As Viktor finishes the program, Yuuri begins to make his way to the green room. He wants to be there to greet Viktor when he arrives. After all, even if the emotions in Viktor’s program may ring hollower now than they did before, he still did an amazing job with skating it. His technical elements were pure and perfect, and Yuuri has no doubt he’ll get a high score.

As he goes on his way, Yuuri wonders what he should say to Viktor when he arrives. He doesn’t want to hurt Viktor’s feelings, but he also knows he can’t lie about what he thinks of the way he skated. Viktor once asked him to be honest with him, after all, and specifically about skating. And Yuuri needs to be, because Viktor, too, is trying to be the same with him, about everything. He just hopes he can find the right words so he won’t hurt Viktor too badly.

Yuuri enters the green room just in time to see Viktor’s scores come in on the screen. He’s in first place after the short program, but the shocking thing is that not by much at all. Yuuri is in second, less than a point behind him in scores. Seeing that reflected in the numbers on screen seems to just add to his disbelief, and his breath catches in his throat in wonder. He’s not sure how he should feel.

He’s still feeling dazed and overwhelmed by the time Viktor arrives in the green room. Yuuri immediately hurries over to greet him with a hug.

“Oh, Yuuri!” Viktor cheers into his ear, wrapping his own arms tightly around him. “You were amazing today! I knew you could do it! I couldn’t take my eyes off you!”

“Thanks, Vitya,” Yuuri says, still feeling a bit unsteady on his feet. He’s grateful Viktor’s arms are holding him up. “You were…”

Before he can finish his words, though, he and Viktor are both quickly called off to do interviews, and need to separate for the moment. The press duties keep them both busy for a few hours and Yuuri barely has any time to think about what he should say to Viktor, with all the statements he needs to come up with on the spot. He tries his best to talk about how he’ll keep working hard for the free skate without putting any of his fellow competitors down in the process, and yet not try to oversell himself. It’s exhausting and difficult, especially after such an already exhausting day, and he’s beyond grateful when he’s finally able to make his excuses and leave. He’s quick to start heading off to the locker rooms to grab his things so he can return to the hotel as soon as possible. He’s thinking of texting Viktor, or maybe calling him later, when he opens the door and sees the man in question standing by the lockers, the one right in front of him open.

At the sound of the door opening, Viktor turns to see who has arrived, and as soon as he sees it’s Yuuri, his lips spread into a happy smile.

“Hey,” Viktor greets him kindly as Yuuri steps through the door.

“Hi,” Yuuri says, returning the smile, though he can feel it’s a little strained. He’s just so worn out from the day, not to mention that he hasn’t been able to shower or change his clothes, and his costume is starting to feel pretty uncomfortable and cold, even if he’s wearing his jacket over it. But he is also really glad that it seems like he and Viktor are alone in the changing rooms, and if he wasn’t so tired down to his bones, he might take the chance to give him a kiss.

“Would you like to get dinner later?” Viktor asks as Yuuri goes to open the locker he had used earlier.

Yuuri thinks it over for a moment, considering his level of weariness. “Sure. But let’s go back to the hotel for a while first. I’d like to get a bit of rest and change my clothes before we go.”

“That’s understandable, we can do that,” Viktor says, nodding. “I’m just glad you agreed to go.”

Yuuri turns to smile at him, this time making it smaller but more genuine. “I’m tired, it’s true, but I also probably won’t get to see you for a while after the Final is over. I want to be able to spend some more time with you before that happens.”

“Yuuri!” Viktor beams, his eyes and teeth shining like diamonds and stars. “You’re so honest today! I love it!”

Yuuri chuckles a little, turning to grab his things from the locker so he can get out of this arena, to a proper shower and clean clothes. He vaguely registers Viktor moving out of the corner of his eye, but can’t tell quite what he’s doing from that angle. He assumes Viktor is just getting his things too.

At least, until Yuuri turns to look at him again, and finds him standing by his chosen locker with his top half bare, having removed that part of his costume and leaving only the pants on. Yuuri can just about feel his jaw drop as he comes face-to-face with that beautiful, pale, strong back. Viktor’s body really is a marvel, his muscles powerful and his immaculate skin gleaming under the overhead lights, not to mention that his shoulder-to-waist ratio is almost ridiculous. If Yuuri were to describe the perfect male human body, Viktor’s would come to mind pretty quickly, and now that he’s seeing it for real in front of him, his throat quickly goes dry, his face feels like it’s on fire, and his whole body is very much alive with the urge to get closer to touch and feel that beautiful back. Possibly before touching a little bit more, perhaps a little lower, all over, being consumed by it…

“V-Vitya?!” Yuuri manages to squeak out, both to stop his own train of thought and to get Viktor’s attention, his voice taking on an embarrassingly high note. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Hm?” Viktor muses, turning to look at Yuuri over his shoulder, before moving his whole body around to properly face him. This does nothing to help Yuuri’s current predicament, because it gives him a lovely view of his perfectly toned chest, firm abs and biceps, not to mention his rather perky pink nipples. Yuuri swears his face heats up even more at the sight, and his heart almost seems to jump out of his chest. Viktor is so beautiful and gorgeous, even more so without his clothes than with them on. His body is truly amazing, and Yuuri has to clench his hands into fists in order to keep himself from reaching over and touching him in wonder.

“I’m changing out of my costume, of course,” Viktor says, tilting his head in such a gesture of mock-innocence that Yuuri just _knows_ it must be fake. “I thought that would be rather plain to see?”

He sounds almost amused, and Yuuri’s pretty sure Viktor can tell what kind of effect he’s having on him. It’d be pretty hard to miss by the way Yuuri’s blushing.

“You could’ve warned me at least,” Yuuri mumbles, averting his gaze, hard as it is to look away from Viktor’s loveliness. But he manages with the help of how it kind of feels wrong, almost voyeuristic to be looking straight at Viktor at a time like this, even with the knowledge Viktor might be showing off on purpose.

“I didn’t think I needed to,” Viktor says. “I don’t mind if you see me bare. Do you?”

Yuuri bites his lip, his ears ringing and his face aflame. He wouldn’t say he _minds_ exactly, but he’s also not quite comfortable with it either, mostly because he has no idea how he’s supposed to react. Is he supposed to look away and pretend like Viktor isn’t getting naked in his presence? Or is he meant to look and take in as much as he likes? Does Viktor want him to get closer and touch him? All of this between them is still so new, and Yuuri has no idea what the rules are, or where the lines lie.

But perhaps the only way to find out is to ask. “I don’t really mind,” he manages to mutter, even as he feels his hands begin to sweat. “I just…I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me with this.”

Viktor blinks, as if in thought, raising his hand to touch his lips with the tip of his index finger. Yuuri swallows, trying to bring some saliva back into his mouth and throat, sweating in nervousness all the while, working on keeping his breathing steady. And Viktor’s still not wearing a shirt and the way he’s touching his lips makes it hard for Yuuri not to concentrate on just how easy it would be to go over there and kiss and touch Viktor, to freely run his hands across his chest and back…

“I’m sorry,” Viktor finally says, and he sounds and looks like he means it. “I didn’t mean to startle you so. I merely wanted to tease you a little, I admit. I didn’t think you’d take it all so seriously.”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri says, though his cheeks still feel pretty warm. “I was mostly just taken by surprise. And I guess I just…I don’t know what the rules are. Rules to…this.” He gestures between himself and Viktor with a finger. “I don’t always know how to act.”

“You don’t have to,” Viktor says gently. “To be honest, I don’t always know the rules either, or what you expect from me. All I think we can really do is just talk to each other about it, and not keep silent if something is bothering either one of us.” He smiles at Yuuri brightly. “That’s why I’m really glad you talked to me just now, Yuuri. Now I know a little bit more about what to do.”

At that, Yuuri himself manages a smile. “Then all I want is that you talk to me in return. I don’t need anything else, except you.”

It comes as a slight surprise to see Viktor blink, just before his cheeks turn a bit pink at his words. “Yuuuuri,” he groans, covering the lower half of his face with a hand, as if to hide his sudden blush. “You’re being so sweet to me today, I can hardly take it.”

The words are enough to make Yuuri smile wider. “I’ll start heading back the hotel now, so you can change in peace, okay? I’ll text you later.”

“Sure.”

For a moment, Yuuri considers giving Viktor a little kiss goodbye, but he honestly doesn’t trust himself not to lose control when Viktor is still missing his shirt, so he just settles for a quick wave instead. His heart is still hammering in his chest and ears as he makes his way out of the stadium and back towards the hotel.

Even as he tries, he can’t quite shake the thoughts of Viktor and the teasing expression he wore while shirtless in front of Yuuri, almost like he was beckoning him to come over and touch. Arousal is still coursing hot and heavy inside of him, and he only hopes Celestino won’t be in their hotel room so he can quickly rub one out while he showers. Otherwise he might die out of the sheer sexual frustration being Viktor Nikiforov’s boyfriend gives him.

…

[Video]

**Katsuki Yuuri SP (My Worth) – Turin Grand Prix Final 20XX**

72,148 Views                                     

**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** 1 h 34 min ago

ive officially died and gone to heaven from seeing this. 

**japanshines** 1 h 20 min ago

he’s so amazing!! he really is japan’s future and ace in figure skating!

**hopesonblades** 1 h 12 min ago

He’s improved so much in such a short time and I’m so proud! I always knew he could do it, but now it feels like he knows it too!

**yuurisblue** 1 h 8 min ago

He’s so beautiful and talented ;^;.

**kingnskater** 1 h ago

My brave worthy valid boy :').

**icescream** 55 min ago

I gotta say I dig the new longer hair ;).

            **yuurisblue** 50 min ago

            It makes him look like a prince!

            **quadflipped** 45 min ago

            Brings to mind another skater who was known for his long hair…

            **drippingicicle** 40 min ago

            Look who’s making a mountain out of a molehill. For the last time, Vitya and Katsuki aren’t a couple!

**yuurisgold** 30 min ago

I can’t wait to see what lies in Yuuri’s future if he’s already doing this well!

**vityaswoman** 25 min ago

i honestly dont get what the whole fuss is abt. katsuki isnt even that cute. or that good a skater. hell never be as good as my vitya, mark my words.

            **pajama_onesie** 20 min ago

            get the fuck outta here and stop hatin in the comments.

            **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** 15 min ago

            you tell her bro. this is a yuuri-hate free zone. if you cant see his beauty and grace, at least stay the hell away. i dont go around telling you viktor sucks, do i?

            **vityaswoman** 13 min ago

            u wouldn’t last a day.

            **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** 11 min ago

            three words: bring. it. on.

…

Before dinner, Yuuri takes both a long shower and a short nap. He sends off a few quick texts to Phichit and Yuuko to thank them for their good luck wishes and congratulations, being too weary to call, before changing into some clothes suitable for dinner. He sends off a text to Viktor, promises Celestino that he won’t stay out too late and will watch what he eats and drinks, and upon receiving a reply from Viktor, heads out to meet him.

They agree to go to an authentic Italian restaurant, recommended to Viktor by the hotel staff for its delicious food and good atmosphere, all for a reasonable price. They take a cab there, because it’s a bit of a walk and they need to conserve their strength wherever they can right now, especially having such a long and eventful day already behind them. They don’t talk much in the car, but Yuuri chances leaning his head against Viktor’s shoulder where they are sharing the backseat. Doing so puts him slightly on edge, thoughts about the driver taking notice running anxiously through his mind, but he can’t bring himself to pull away. He wants to have at least this much closeness if he can’t have anything else. Viktor seems to agree, because he also gently rests his head on top of Yuuri’s, taking a hold of his hand resting on his knee. Yuuri squeezes his hand in return, and they sit in comfortable, gentle silence. Honestly, it feels like there is no need for words at this moment. All they need to do is enjoy the moment of being close to each other.

The night outside is lovely though, crisp and cloudless, and Turin is full of nightlife around them. The restaurant is quite busy too, and Yuuri suspects it’s only because of Viktor that they were able to get a table at such short notice. Still, for once he doesn’t mind because the place is beautiful yet cozy, with its rustic stony walls and dark wooden tables, and his mouth is starting to water from the smell of spices and tomatoes cooking in the kitchen.

By the time they take their seats in the booth and are browsing their menus, Viktor and Yuuri have properly started conversing. They mostly talk about the competition because it’s still fresh in their minds, and because they didn’t have much of a chance to talk about it before. Viktor is especially eager to discuss and lavish praise on Yuuri’s short program. Yuuri blushes and can’t quite find the words to add anything to the conversation, seeing as he barely remembers skating the program, but he does his best to listen and answer with a few hums every now and then between bites of his delicious dinner.

“It was as though you were in the midst of finding yourself right there on the ice! It was incredible!” Viktor sighs, waving his fork around between his fingers. He’s barely touched his meal. “How about me? What did you think of my skating today?”

Immediately, cold sweats begin to run down Yuuri’s back. “Uhh…” he murmurs, trying to think of something appropriate to say. Tonight has been so nice so far, he doesn’t want to ruin it by saying something that might hurt Viktor’s feelings. “You were…beautiful. You always are.” That is true at least.

Viktor tilts his head, his eyes open and wide. He looks adorable and Yuuri can barely bear to look at him, let alone tell him he could’ve skated better. “And…?”

“And…” Yuuri tries to summon up something that would be honest yet gentle, but can’t come up with anything that doesn’t sound at least a little unkind. But how can he say that to Viktor’s face? Is it even his place to do so?

Slowly, Viktor drops the puppy-eyed look, taking on a gentler, softer expression as he reaches across the table to take Yuuri’s hand. “Yuuri,” Viktor says, his tone soothing and soft. “You can be honest with me. In fact, I would prefer if it you were. You don’t need to lie to me or sugarcoat things for me. I know I didn’t skate my best today.” Yuuri winces, but he can’t deny it or argue. “You once asked me to be myself, and I have done my best to be that for you. So please, won’t you be yourself and be honest with me too?”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri murmurs, his cheeks burning with shame. But he insists on meeting Viktor’s eyes head-on. “I just didn’t want to make you feel bad, or ruin the evening.”

“Yuuri, as long as I’m with you, nothing could ever be ruined. Or even if it could, you would make it worth it.”

Yuuri swears his heart stops beating for a moment at hearing that. “Vitya, you can’t just _say_ things like that…” he murmurs, burying his face in his hands.

“Why not? It’s true,” Viktor says, but Yuuri can hear the teasing lilt in his tone again. “Also, if there is anything you think could improve my short program, I would love to hear it. Your thoughts in Paris improved my skating a lot, after all, and I want to be able to do better in the future. You deserve a worthy challenger, Yuuri, and that wasn’t me today.”

Yuuri lowers his hand in order to stare blankly at Viktor. “Please don’t say that.”

“But it’s true,” Viktor says, shrugging. “I was quite disappointed in the judges today. You deserved to have a higher score in the short program in comparison to me. But I promise I’ll work my hardest to be a more worthy competitor and beat you fairly in the free program.”

Yuuri smiles at that. “I’m sure you will,” he says gently, squeezing Viktor’s hand. “Are you sure you want my opinion though?”

“Of course,” Viktor says. “Why else would I ask? And more importantly, _who_ else?”

Yuuri blushes a little at that, but nods all the same, still smiling. “Well, I just…I don’t think the program or the way you skate it has really improved since I last saw it in person. And I feel like what you were trying to say with it didn’t come across as honestly as it used to either. I do understand it’s probably not pleasant to look back on the hard times of your life, but…”

“I understand,” Viktor gently cuts in, before sighing a little, his shoulders sagging. “The truth of it is merely that my heart has been so filled with joy and light lately that it’s difficult for me to think about those darker days. I can’t get back into the correct mindset.” Viktor squeezes Yuuri’s hand, not very subtly implying what the reason for that is. Yuuri feels like his heart might burst out of his chest with love, and he has to swallow a little to keep himself in check. He returns the squeeze with one of his own, looking deep into Viktor’s shining affectionate eyes over the table. He wishes so terribly he could lean over and kiss him, too, that he almost aches with it.

“I’m really glad that you’re happy now,” Yuuri whispers. “That’s all I really ever want you to be. And if I could make it so that you would never have to feel the way you did before, I would. I don’t want you to hurt yourself by thinking about it either, but with the program…”

“Don’t worry Yuuri,” Viktor smiles softly, to the point it looks almost sad. It’s just about enough to break Yuuri’s heart. “I’m a good actor. I can pretend better than I have been, even if that means my skating for this program will never be as honest and emotional as yours. I’ll keep working on the program after the Final ends. I swear I will do better next time.”

“You don’t have to, you know,” Yuuri says softly. “Not for me at least. I don’t care if you do better or worse, but…” He looks up into Viktor’s eyes, seeing them wide and shining for him. “I want you to be able to be proud of yourself. I want you to do your best so _you_ can be proud. And you said that you know you could do better than you did today. So that’s what I would want you to aim for. You always tell me to skate in the way that _I_ want to skate, the way that is true to myself. So…won’t you do that too?”

“Yuuri…” Viktor sighs, the name escaping his lips almost like he’s not even thinking about it. His eyes look even shinier now, and Yuuri’s a little concerned that Viktor is going to start crying again. He hardly knows what to say to people in the best circumstances, let alone when they’re crying, when all his instincts tell him he shouldn’t be there to see it at all. He never really wants anyone to see himself cry after all. If Viktor does cry, Yuuri will do his best to be there for him of course, just like he did yesterday, but he still can’t help but hope it won’t come to that. He hates to see Viktor cry, especially when he himself is the cause, even if they might be happy tears. They only ever seem to work as a painful reminder of how few kind words Viktor has been offered in his life, if his tears come so easily from them.

Hoping to avoid any of such tears, or at least soothe Viktor, Yuuri decides to go on. “Your skating will always be beautiful to me, no matter how you score. I just want you to be able to be happy with yourself, too. I know it’s not the same as winning a medal, but…”

“No,” Viktor says. Thankfully, his voice comes out sounding steady, and he doesn’t seem like he’s about to break down in tears anymore. “You’re right. Of course you are. And in any case…won’t my chances of winning be better if I try my hardest and skate as myself? Not to mention a victory would feel a lot more satisfying with that.”

Yuuri smiles. “I’m sure it would.”

After that, the conversation turns into another lull, and they manage to finish both their meals in peace. They end up talking about lighter topics such as their dogs, what Yuuri did for his birthday recently, and their plans for the rest of the season, for most of the remaining night. They take a few selfies and share pictures of Vicchan and Makkachin with each other on their phones. Viktor has a little bit of wine that he allows Yuuri to taste from his glass. It really is quite good, all rich and smooth, even to someone like Yuuri who doesn’t know much about alcohol, but Yuuri still doesn’t dare to have a glass of his own in the middle of a competition.

In the end, they decide to walk back to the hotel to get to spend a little more time together and enjoy the cool night air, walking off their meal in the process. They don’t talk much on the way either, but Yuuri doesn’t mind. He likes being in silence with Viktor, too. They’re even able to hold hands as they walk, shielded by the darkness and the fact that most people out this time of night are at least slightly intoxicated or don’t care much about the two of them. Yuuri almost feels dizzy with happiness, like he can’t quite wrap his mind around the fact that this is real. That he’s not just dreaming. If only he would dare to lean against Viktor again and they could share careless kisses as they walk, it would all be perfect. He wishes this walk could last forever.

Of course, it can’t, as Yuuri and Viktor eventually make their way back to the hotel, and they’re late as it is. Celestino is probably worried already. Still, Viktor insists on escorting him all the way to his hotel room door, even though his room is on the floor above Yuuri’s.

As soon as they walk through the hotel corridor and find the right door, there is a bit of an awkward pause between them. Yuuri’s not sure what to say or do. Should he kiss Viktor goodnight again? Should he just say goodnight and go inside? Before he can think of any other options, however, Viktor pulls him by their still-joined hands, into his arms. Yuuri allows it, quickly putting his own arms around Viktor as well. He breathes in the familiar, comforting scent of Viktor and his coat, now mixed with a little bit of wine and sweat from their walk. He allows himself to be consumed by it, and the warmth and safety of Viktor’s body.

“I don’t want to let you go,” Viktor sighs into his ear, sounding almost like he’s in pain, holding onto him tightly all the while.

“I don’t want to go either,” Yuuri admits, tightening his own hold around Viktor.

“I know,” Viktor murmurs. “I just wish…” He doesn’t continue, but he holds Yuuri tighter still, as if wanting to pull his very being inside of himself. Yuuri wouldn’t mind. He thinks it’d be rather warm, being inside of Viktor. As soon as he thinks that, though, he can’t help but blush. He needs to get his head under control already and stop thinking such dirty thoughts.

“I should go now,” Viktor says, but he still doesn’t let go of Yuuri. “I should go, and let you get some sleep.”

“Yeah…” Yuuri murmurs, but he can’t bring himself to let go either. Instead, he clutches onto the material of Viktor’s coat, clinging to it with both fists, like that might bring Viktor closer to him. Now he’s the one who feels like crying. He feels as though he might shatter if Viktor leaves him right now. And yet he knows he must. He’s kept Viktor long enough, and to be honest, he’s been growing tired for a while now. It’s been a long day, and the competition is not over yet. They both need to get some rest.

So Yuuri finally forces himself to put some distance between himself and Viktor, just enough that he can lean up to press a small, quick kiss to Viktor’s lips. “Good night, Vitya.”

“Good night, Yuuri,” Viktor says, but still refuses to unwrap his arms from around Yuuri. Instead, he leans down to kiss Yuuri too. And Yuuri wants to enjoy it so badly and make it last, to keep Viktor as long as he can, to be closer and closer to him and be devoured by his mouth. But he can’t. They’ve made this mistake twice already and it’s been close to a miracle that they haven’t been caught yet. So he makes sure to keep the kiss short, gently pulling away before he begins to lose himself in Viktor again.

“I need to go,” he says, putting a hand against Viktor’s chest to draw the strength to push himself away from him, to put some distance between the two of them. “Sleep well, Vitya.”

“You too, Yuuri.”

Yuuri reluctantly lets his hands fall, before finally using his keycard to open the door to his and Celestino’s shared hotel room. He makes sure to open the door carefully, and only so much that Celestino won’t spot Viktor, but thankfully, it seems that his coach has already fallen asleep. Yuuri can hear him snoring and just see his silhouette in bed in the dim light granted by the corridor. It’s not much of a surprise really, since it is getting late and competitions and travelling tend to tire Celestino out. He almost always goes to sleep fairly early during his and Yuuri’s travels.

Yuuri makes sure to be as silent as he can as he closes the door, and makes his way to the bathroom and turns the lights on there. With the minimal visibility that light gives him, he goes to find his pajamas underneath his hotel pillow, taking them to the bathroom with him, quickly changing into them and brushing his teeth. Afterwards, he turns off the bathroom lights again and feels his way around softly in the room until he reaches his bed, settling underneath the covers, trying to fall asleep. He can already tell it’s not going to be as easy tonight as it was last night. His mind is too full of thoughts and he’s still wound up from his and Viktor’s kisses. He still vaguely feels like crying for having to be apart from Viktor, and for the thought that in just a few days they will have to part ways again for months and months.

He must’ve fallen asleep at some point, though, because he wakes up the next morning to the blaring of his alarm and can vaguely remember visions of silver hair, beautiful blue eyes and warm touches of long elegant fingers in his dreams. He’s embarrassed to find he’s feeling rather uncomfortable, sticky and sweaty beneath the covers.

He sighs before getting up and heading to take a very cold shower. He really needs to find a way to get all of this under control.

…

**v-nikiforov**

Turin

[image] [image] [image]

❤ 2,827 likes

**v-nikiforov** Today’s performance deserves to be celebrates with a lovely meal. #katsukiyuuri #TurinGPF #italianfood

View all 243 comments 

**quadflipped** I can’t believe #Victuuri is real.

**knifeshoes**  Today we are indeed most blessed by the power of these images of #Victuuri on a date.

**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** @v-nikiforov thank you for blessing us with these images of yuuri-chan eating.

**yuurisnose** honestly i wasn’t sold on the whole #Victuuri thing before but this is clearly a date.

            **quadflipped** We humbly welcome you to the fold.

**iceicelady** your meals looks really good! Also I guess you being friends with #katsukiyuuri really is a thing now, right? #foodporn

…

The next few days are a blur of practice, press and competition. Yuuri manages to shake off most of his returning anxiety and constantly present nerves to do equally as well in his free skate as the short program. Viktor, however, does even better, and Yuuri feels like he could burst with pride. As he skates, Viktor is a vision of grace and genuine emotion on the ice, filling his program with unbearable joy and beauty. It’s as if he is loveliness incarnate and is just using his skating as a way of letting everyone see it. What was holding him back in the short program is clearly an asset for his free skate. Yuuri can’t look away, and he knows the winner before Viktor has even finished the program. Yuuri did well in this competition, and he has nothing to be ashamed of, but Viktor did better. Yuuri hadn’t really expected anything else, but it’s still incredible to see how much better Viktor is in the free program, making a glorious comeback from the short program with a score that is just a little shy of a new world record.  

Yuuri wears his silver medal proudly on the podium, probably more shocked than anyone else that the final difference between his and Viktor’s scores is only three points. That’s the closest anyone has gotten to Viktor for a few years now, and the press are having a field day over it. After the medal ceremony formalities and pictures, there is a press conference for the three medalists, and Yuuri has to deal with being in the spotlight more than ever before despite not having won gold. He’s asked multiple questions, all of them really amounting to the same exact things: how he feels about his scores, whether he thinks he’s catching up to Viktor, and if he can ever beat him.

“Viktor is a wonderful and incredible skater, and I am very proud to be able share both the ice and the podium with him,” Yuuri speaks into the microphone, trying to find words that are honest but at the same time acceptable and politically correct enough for the audience and sponsors. “I’m sure most people are also aware that the two of us are very close friends. I take genuine pleasure in his success and I believe he does so with mine, as well. We also challenge each other to grow and become not only better skaters but better people. Viktor has been my idol for a long time, and although I now also have the pleasure to know him personally, my admiration for him hasn’t changed. I don’t think it ever will. I am proud to be where I am today, and I’ll keep on working hard to get even better, and a lot of that is because of him. So make no mistake, if I ever do get so lucky as to be where Viktor is today in terms of my skating, it’ll be largely because he has inspired and pushed me to get there.”

It’s only after he’s quiets that he realizes what just came out of his mouth, and can feel the heat of a blush spreading across his cheeks and up to his ears. Thankfully, the next few questions are aimed at Viktor and Chris, the bronze medalist, granting Yuuri a few moments to breathe and try to compose himself. He keeps his eyes firmly forward or down at the table, avoiding looking anywhere near Viktor sitting by his side. He can occasionally feel Viktor’s eyes looking over at him, but even still he resists meeting them. He’s said far too much already, made a bigger fool out of himself than he ever wished, revealed way too much.

He can’t face Viktor right now. What if he’s blown their secret now? He doesn’t think he said anything _too_ incriminating, given that he used to gush about Viktor in interviews even before the two of them even actually met, but still. What if Viktor is mad? What if he realizes now that Yuuri sucks at keeping secrets and that he’s better off without him after all?

Somehow, Yuuri manages to push through these thoughts and focus on the remaining press conference just long enough to make it out alive on the other side, but he still leaves that stuffy room as soon as he possibly can. He’s just sipping on his bottle of water given to him by Celestino, when he turns to see Viktor coming towards him in a hurry.

“Yuuri, can I talk to you for a moment?” he says, his eyes looking slightly manic in the way they are gleaming. He can’t seem to be able to stand still, stepping from one foot to the other and not seeming to know what to do with his hands. He doesn’t look nervous though. No, he looks eager to the point of almost bursting. The bottom of Yuuri’s stomach suddenly feels cold. Is this is? Is this really it? And why does Viktor have to look so happy about it? “Alone?”

The word feels like a nail in the coffin, and Yuuri can almost feel his heart breaking into a million pieces in his chest, shattering like glass. Still, he supposes it’s best to do this now, when everything is still fresh and new and he hasn’t let himself fall any further for Viktor, or hasn’t wasted too much time on this relationship. He needs to honor Viktor’s wishes to let him go, too, if that’s what he really wants.

So, Yuuri looks over at Celestino, silently asking him if he’s allowed to go with Viktor. His coach sighs as he meets his gaze, but says, “Go, you deserve a bit of a break. Don’t stay too long though if you can help it; you still have the Japanese interviews to take care of.”

Yuuri barely has time to nod before Viktor grabs his wrist and starts pulling him along, away from everyone, away from all the prying eyes and ears. Yuuri doesn’t even have much of a chance to figure out where they’re going before he realizes they’re in a bathroom with a single toilet and sink. His head is still swimming from the suddenness of everything, and only vaguely realizes the click he hears in the small space is Viktor locking the door. Is Viktor so eager to break up with him that he had to practically drag him here? And doesn’t Yuuri deserve something a bit more dignified than a bathroom as a place for him to do that? He knows they need to be somewhere where people won’t see or hear them, and he supposes a bathroom is as good a space as anything to cry about it afterwards, but still…

Before he has time to open his mouth and ask Viktor about it, however, Viktor practically jumps on him, forcefully pushing him against the wall, and kisses him deeper than Yuuri’s ever been kissed in his entire life.

“V-Vitya, what-” Yuuri tries to say in-between the consuming kisses Viktor keeps bestowing upon him. Not that Yuuri’s really complaining. This doesn’t feel like what someone would do if they were about to break up with him, and he always loves kissing Viktor. Viktor’s enthusiasm for the act is also quite catching, and it makes arousal and _want_ begin to burn bright in Yuuri’s guts. If it were under any other circumstances Yuuri would be very into it all and responding most eagerly. Right now though, despite the heat at the bottom of his belly, he’s mostly just confused and can’t really get into the correct mood to be doing this. He thought they were coming in here to actually talk, not make out, and although he’s relieved they’re probably not breaking up, he still feels he’s deserving of an explanation at least.

So he softly pushes at Viktor’s shoulder, enough to catch his attention and make him pull back. Yuuri keeps his expression gentle though, to show Viktor he’s not angry and he doesn’t mind kissing him like this, but he just needs to put it off for now. “Vitya, what’s gotten into you?”

“What _hasn’t_ gotten into me is the better question,” Viktor says, and the look in his eyes and his tone of voice come off as almost desperate, anguished, _starved_. “How could I hold myself back after…after everything you said at the press conference? Moreover, after I saw you skate today? I’ve been holding myself back so much during this entire competition, Yuuri…I just wanted you for myself for a bit.”

“Then…you’re not mad? About what I said?”

Viktor blinks. “Why would I be mad? Yuuri, I’ve never heard such beautiful words. If anything, I was _moved_.”

Yuuri’s cheeks grow a bit warm, but he knows he needs to continue. “But…I said far too much. What if someone takes it the wrong way? Or, rather, the _right_ way?”

“They don’t have proof,” Viktor says. “So long as the situation remains that way, I don’t care to worry. Perhaps I should, but I just can’t, I’m too happy. Besides, even with some proof, we may be able to deny any accusations.”

“Still,” Yuuri says. “I’ll be more careful from now on, I promise.”

“All right, if that makes you feel better,” Viktor says, planting a soft kiss on top of Yuuri’s nose. Before he can move his mouth away from Yuuri’s face, however, Yuuri seizes the opportunity and captures his mouth with his own. After all, they’ve talked through the essentials now and Viktor’s still pressed all nice and cozy against him. And Yuuri’s been holding himself back this entire time as well. Now, here in this small enclosed private space, they can have at least a small moment of intimacy together. And he wants to have as much of it as he possibly can.

Viktor is quick to respond to his kisses now that he can have them, and Yuuri wraps his arms around his shoulders. Their kissing is much messier now than it ever has been, both of them far too wound up and desperate for each other in the moment. Yuuri’s actually so caught up in the feeling and passion of it all, that he barely realizes he’s had Viktor’s tongue in his mouth for multiple seconds now, can only vaguely remember feeling it lick at his lips and letting it in. It feels different, once he starts to consider it, but also good and intimate, like they’re getting closer together. He quickly makes up his mind to attempt to respond and touch his tongue with Viktor’s, before reaching with it into Viktor’s mouth. Viktor seems to enjoy it, given the noise he makes at the back of his throat, so Yuuri explores a little more, touching and reaching all over with his tongue, while Viktor does the same for him. It quickly starts to feel really good, like he and Viktor are making homes inside of each other. He thinks he finally understands why people like doing this so much. He lets out a happy little hum to try and communicate these thoughts to Viktor, too.

As he gets more used to kissing with tongues, Yuuri decides to try a few other new things as well, now that he has the opportunity. He tentatively starts to reach around with his hands to touch Viktor as much as he possibly can, everywhere he possibly can. Yuuri wants to drink all of him in and savor all he’s been missing and not been allowed to touch for the past weeks. He runs his hands through Viktor’s hair, his neck and shoulders and back, gently caressing everywhere. Viktor himself seems rather fixated on just holding him and stroking his hair, not that Yuuri finds that any less lovely.

Eventually, Yuuri’s hands find themselves settling at Viktor’s waist. He’s not sure if he should go lower than that. He wants to, _God_ , does he want to. He’s so hard in his pants from their kissing and touching, and he can feel Viktor is, too, but they haven’t exactly talked about these kinds of things, and they don’t have a lot of time here. Does he want to ruin this moment by possibly going too far?

As if sensing this, Viktor gently detaches their lips from one another, before immediately attaching his mouth to Yuuri’s neck instead, placing soft, tickly kisses  that make shudders run down Yuuri’s spine. Into his neck, he whispers, “It’s all right. You can touch me.”

Yuuri blushes, but as Viktor moves to properly kiss his neck again, gathers his courage and slowly brings his hands down to Viktor’s ass. It feels very firm and round beneath his touch, perfect and amazing. He fights letting out a very shuddering breath. If only his teenage self could see him now.   

As he keeps feeling Viktor’s body, he also moves to press his own face against Viktor’s neck. He doesn’t smell nearly as nice today as he usually does, sweat having cooled off on his skin, but Yuuri still likes the way it mixes with his cologne and laundry detergent, so he doesn’t mind. Honestly, it serves as a wonderful reminder of just who exact only Yuuri is necking with right now, and it only seems to add fuel to the fire for him. He vaguely wants to lick at Viktor’s neck, to chase that smell and saltiness with his tongue and mouth, but that would probably be too much right now. He settles for a few light kisses instead, similar to the ones Viktor is giving him.

“Be careful,” Viktor murmurs into his neck, making the skin there vibrate rather pleasantly. “We mustn’t leave any visible marks.”

Yuuri’s ears start ringing at that, and his pants feel unbelievably tight and hot. The thought of being able to mark Viktor, of leaving evidence that he’s Yuuri’s and no one else’s, is incredibly arousing, and he almost wants to risk it. But Viktor told him not to, and Yuuri will respect that, so he makes sure to stick to very light kisses that won’t leave any visible marks. He kisses Viktor’s neck the way he might his cheeks or his nose. As if invited by the thought, he slowly starts kissing his way up Viktor’s neck until he finds himself at his jaw and cheek and ear. Viktor’s ear has turned pink from the heat of their activities, and Yuuri has to fight the urge to grab onto it with his teeth and _bite._ He chews down on his lip instead to fight off the thought.

They continue kissing for a few more moments before Viktor finally sighs against Yuuri’s shoulder, sounding resigned and weary. “We should stop now. There are still things we both have to do today, and everyone will start growing suspicious of our absences if we don’t return soon.”

Yuuri lets out a sigh of his own, even if he knows Viktor is right. Still, Yuuri pulls him close for a gentle hug as a way of saying goodbye for now, before forcing himself to let go. He steps a bit further from Viktor to take a few deep breaths, trying to think about something other than Viktor’s warm and firm body and how much Yuuri doesn’t want to stop here. When that’s not quite successful and doesn’t drive away his arousal, he tries to think of something unappealing to chase the mood away. He settles for the smell of his and Phichit’s garbage fairly quickly, and it seems to do the trick.

Once Yuuri deems himself calmed down enough, he looks over at Viktor again. He’s smoothing out his hair in the bathroom mirror and his cheeks and lips look rather flushed. Still, Yuuri thinks that if no one knew what they just did, they would probably just assume they were caused by a long day full of excitement and athleticism. No one should be the wiser, even if they’re seen by other people. At least, that’s what he hopes.

Viktor meets his eyes in the mirror. “You should leave first; I need to finish trying to clean up a little. Besides, Celestino might be looking for you. I’ll wait a few minutes and then go find Yakov, so we won’t be seen leaving this bathroom together.”

“Okay…” Yuuri murmurs.

Viktor smiles a bit sadly at him in the mirror, before turning around and closing the small distance between them in a few steps to give Yuuri one final small kiss on the lips. “I’ll watch your exhibition, I promise. And I’ll see you at the banquet, all right?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri promises, actually managing a smile before leaning up to give Viktor one more kiss himself, and going on his way out of the bathroom to face Celestino and the Japanese press.

…

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 1 h

[video link]

I’m watching the #TurinGPF press conference and holy shit, #katsukiyuuri just basically declared his love for #viktornikiforov.

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 56 m

I can’t believe #Victuuri is real. When I die, play that clip at my funeral. #TurinGPF

 

Mercury Sign @mercurysign · 50 m

they r…so real. so good. so amazing. #Victuuri #TurinGPF

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 48 m

Legit crying over here. When will someone love me the way Yuuri loves Viktor? #Victuuri #PodiumBaes #TuringGPF

 

Yuuri’s Nose @yuurisnose · 43 m

i’ve only been here for like five hours and already u r bringing me /this/? crap, #Victuuri IS real.

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 40 m

Whether this be romantic or platonic, I’m really happy someone cares about Viktor this much :). #TurinGPF

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 39 m

Viktor will always be the Number 1 in my heart, but I think I’m slowly becoming a #katsukiyuuri stan too!

 

King and the Skater @kingnskater · 38 m

Holy shit. I mean, I had suspicions, but…/damn/. #Victuuri #TurinGPF

 

North Pole @poleofice · 35 m

u sickos srsly need to stop b4 some1 gets in shit. katsuki obvsly didnt mean it like /that/.

 

Bros 4fore Hoes @broman · 32 m

why must everything be gay anyway? if you cant tell your bro u love him on live tv, who can you tell? #viktornikiforov #katsukiyuuri

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 28 m

Vitya’s straight anyway. not that hed go for katsuki anyway. #unworthy

 

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 24 m

you take that back right now if you want to live.

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 20 m

@vityaswoman [video link] Viktor, straight? Where were you when this video went viral? I thought you loved Nikiforov.

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 18 m

Doesn’t prove anything @glasshearts.

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 15 m

He literally says “I want everyone to know that I love men, and I’m gay”! #viktornikiforov #gayicon.

…

The exhibition skates go well, and although Yuuri still hates dealing with the media, he manages the rest of that relatively well too, he thinks. Phichit has texted and called him to ask about the press conference and the competition, but Yuuri’s still putting a cap on that talk, promising to tell him everything when he gets back. He can’t get into all that just yet, not when all that remains of his first Grand Prix Final now is the banquet; when after it’s over it’ll soon be time for Yuuri and Celestino to return to Detroit. For now, Yuuri can’t let himself think about anything other than this night, which he vows to make a good one for himself and for Viktor, as he puts on the tie Viktor gave him for the banquet, and takes out his phone to send a quick text.

_From: Me_

_Can you meet me before the banquet?_

_From: Vitya_

_ofc! :D ill wait 4 u outside the ballroom, ok?_

_From: Me_

_I’ll meet you there :)._

Indeed, as soon as Yuuri makes his way to the correct floor, having left before Celestino, he finds Viktor there waiting for him. The circumstances are so similar to Rostelecom that he almost wants to laugh. He’d be lying if he said that wasn’t what he had been aiming for, just a little. He draws courage from that thought, and as soon as he makes his way over to Viktor, Yuuri holds out the small white package wrapped with a shiny golden ribbon for Viktor to take.

“Here,” he says, trying to keep the hand holding the present steady. “It’s a little early for me to be giving you this, but I also wanted to personally hand it to you. Happy early birthday, Vitya.”

“Yuuri…” Viktor sighs with joy in his tone. His eyes are shining as Yuuri raises his own to meet them. “Thank you, that was so thoughtful of you.” He pauses. “We don’t usually celebrate our birthdays before the actual date in Russia though.”

“Oh. I see,” Yuuri says, a little deflated, unable to help the fact his shoulders sag. “Then, you can just take it with you and open it on the actual date if you want…”

“No, no, I will open it, I will open it,” Viktor says, practically grabbing the present out of Yuuri’s hands and beginning to enthusiastically rip into it. As he opens it, he comes face-to-face with the tiny cufflinks in the shape of brown poodle heads. He stares at them for a moment, not saying a word. Then he looks up at Yuuri, as if in question, and Yuuri can’t quite read his expression of soft eyes and slightly open mouth, but he’s hopeful it’s not a bad reaction.

“I saw them online between the competitions and I thought of you,” Yuuri says in a rush to explain. “I thought they’d make a nice present, since we both have poodles and since we kind of met because of our poodles, and…” He pauses to take in a breath, starting to tremble and blush slightly with nerves and embarrassment. Viktor has probably gotten much nicer presents than this before. Yuuri should’ve thought of something better. “And…you don’t have to wear them, I know they’re kind of silly and childish and…”

“Yuuri,” Viktor breathes, and before Yuuri can say anything, Viktor’s pulled him into a tight hug. “I _love_ them! They’re the best present ever! Now I can have a little bit of Makkachin and _you_ with me at all the parties I go to!”

Yuuri blinks against Viktor’s shoulder, unable to do or say anything else, even as relief slowly starts to flood over him.

“I-I’m glad you like them…” Yuuri eventually murmurs against Viktor’s shoulder, managing to hug Viktor back with a smile.

After they pull away from the embrace, Viktor hands the present over to Yuuri. “Help me put them on?”

Yuuri smiles, and proceeds to do just that. It looks like he wasn’t the only one who noticed the similarities between this night and the one at Rostelecom. He’s quick and precise with his work, but he also takes the time to admire Viktor’s white wrists and his pristinely pressed shirt all the while. Now that he’s not so nervous to give Viktor his gift, he can also admire how gorgeous he looks in his light blue suit, the way it brings out the color of his eyes, and how beautiful his hair looks. He’s also added some cologne and smells incredibly alluring.

“You look amazing, by the way,” he says with a genuine smile as he finishes putting the cufflinks on Viktor.

“Thank you,” Viktor says, returning his smile with a gentle one of his own. “I’m really glad to see you’re wearing my tie.”

Yuuri chuckles a little. He supposes that’s about all he should expect when it comes to compliments from Viktor while he’s still wearing his old and cheap suit. Perhaps he really _should_ think of doing something about that.

…

The rest of the banquet proceeds much the same as the one at the Rostelecom Cup, except this time Viktor sticks to his side from the very beginning, keeping his promise to introduce Yuuri to people who might be interested in sponsoring him. It all goes much smoother with Viktor there to guide the conversation, and several people seem more interested in Yuuri than he thinks he deserves. He knows he’s the silver medalist at the GPF now, but he still can’t help but think he would never be able to talk to these people so well without Viktor there to offer his support and guidance. If Viktor keeps helping him like this, perhaps he and Phichit will finally be able to decorate their apartment a little bit more and buy some new appliances. Not to mention better ingredients for food. Yuuri’s been getting tired of squeezing every penny just to be able to eat well.

Yuuri and Viktor dance together quite a bit as well, between talking to people, and Yuuri finds that not only is this banquet being profitable for him, it’s also actually _fun_. Not that Rostelecom hadn’t been fun as well once Viktor had come to rescue him, but now that there are even less barriers between the two of them, it’s even more so. And for once, Yuuri just lets himself enjoy it all and celebrate his success in Viktor’s arms, pushing away any thoughts about how tomorrow they’re going to have to part ways again.

And yet, try as he might, the further into the night the banquet proceeds, the less easy it becomes to ignore the thought of the inevitable. Yuuri holds Viktor close during their last dances, pressing his head on his shoulder, and sighs. It’s almost time for the night to end. There are only a few people in the hall besides them, and their coaches retired a long time ago now. And yet, as tired as he is and as uncomfortable as he is getting in his suit, Yuuri doesn’t want this night to end, and he doesn’t want to let Viktor go.

“Will I see you at Worlds?” Viktor murmurs into his ear. It hurts to hear him say that, because it serves as yet another reminder of how long they’re going to have to wait to see each other again.

“I promise,” Yuuri vows, pained. “We’ll see the sights together again, and we’ll dance like this again.”

“Yuuri…” Viktor says softly. “I have something I want to say to you. Will you listen?”

Growing more serious, but not ceasing their dance, Yuuri says, “I’m listening.”

“I was merely thinking, and you don’t have to decide now, but…how would you feel about getting your own room for Worlds? One without Celestino?” Yuuri’s heart jumps right up into his throat, all thoughts of sadness suddenly gone. Does Viktor mean…? “I just mean that we could have a bit more privacy that way, to come and go as best suits the two of us. Celestino wouldn’t be able to monitor you so heavily, and since I never share a room with anyone…”

Viktor’s not outright saying what Yuuri thought he was saying, but he’s not denying the possibility of it either. It’s enough to send a flame of desire sparking inside of Yuuri. He wants it. God in heaven, does he _want_.

“I think that would be okay,” Yuuri says. “I’ll talk to Celestino about it, come up with an excuse when we return to Detroit.”

Viktor beams at him like the sun, before nodding, and Yuuri can feel his heart throb in his chest with emotion and love. Perhaps what he’s thinking of will be too soon, and if Viktor doesn’t want to, he’ll of course respect that. But Yuuri also can’t help but think back to the way they kissed both in the alley and in that bathroom, and the way undeniable desire has been thrumming through him all throughout this competition. The way he thinks Viktor might reciprocate as well. His and Viktor’s time is limited no matter how he looks at it. After Worlds, the figure skating season will end and Yuuri will have to focus on his studies for a while again. They’ll have a difficult time finding an opportunity or excuse to see each other much, until the next skating season starts again in the following autumn. Who knows if he and Viktor will even be together by that point?

They’ll always be on limited time no matter what; seeking out desperate secret moments between and during competitions, constantly separated by distance and other commitments. All they have is the present. They can’t plan ahead much, or have many of the milestones normal couples usually have. They’re barely able to go on any dates, and Yuuri can’t introduce Viktor to his parents. Whatever little they _can_ have, he wants to use to his advantage the best they can. And if he doesn’t share a room with Celestino at Worlds, he and Viktor will have better opportunities to do just that. He doesn’t think Viktor would mind either, given his enthusiasm when they kiss and his clear desire for Yuuri. Not to mention Viktor is older than him, and probably vastly more experienced. Sex probably isn’t as big a deal to him as it might be for Yuuri. But even so, even if it might not mean quite as much to him as it will to Yuuri, Yuuri can’t think of anyone else he’d rather have his first time with.

As he and Viktor sway to the last few notes of the last song of the night, Yuuri makes up his mind.

At Worlds, if Viktor is amenable, Yuuri wants to have sex with him.


	9. Yuuri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: more sex talk coming in.

Much of the next morning passes in a weary, melancholy haze for Yuuri, most of it spent packing and heading to the airport in the hopes of being able to get back to sleep soon. He doesn’t get the chance to see Viktor again because he still has some things to take care of in Turin before he flies back to Russia later that same day. Honestly though, Yuuri barely has the opportunity to even think about Viktor with the overwhelming exhaustion that seems to haunt him all through the morning, until he sits down to wait for their flight to start boarding at the airport and takes out his phone to pass the time. There is a single message waiting for him.

_From: Vitya_

_miss u already. have a safe flight! <3\. _

Yuuri reads that one line over and over multiple times like a treasure, his heart seeming to break more with each word. And yet he’s unable to stop. He bites down hard on his lip, his throat beginning to close up, his eyes stinging. He takes a few deep breaths, just enough to make a quick excuse to Celestino in a somewhat steady voice, and then heads off to the public bathrooms nearby.

Yuuri promptly locks himself in a stall and cries in there for about 15 minutes, tears flowing out of him as though his eyes were melting. It hadn’t really hit him this hard before, but seeing Viktor’s message just brought it home for him, that the previous night will be the last time he’ll be able to talk to Viktor in person, or touch him, for months going forward. He’d been sad about it before of course, but he’d been so determined to not let the upcoming separation bring the mood down that he hadn’t let himself think about it earlier. Now that the time has come, however, there is no avoiding it any longer, and Yuuri almost feels crushed underneath the longing he already feels for Viktor’s presence.

For once, though, Yuuri doesn’t even try to push these feelings away, but rather lets himself have and experience them, go through with them and cry them out of his system. There is no helping his emotions after all, not with how much he loves Viktor. He knows the easiest way to deal with missing him is to just let it all out, let himself feel it all and then try his best to deal with it and move forward. He may never be able to stop missing Viktor, not so long as they have to be apart, and in secret as they are, but if he doesn’t let himself feel all of it and keeps pushing it down, he knows he’ll only end up destroying himself from the inside sooner or later. It’s best just to let the tears flow and get it all out of his system now.

By the time Yuuri manages to gather himself together and make himself presentable enough to the world, by pressing his face with some paper towels doused with cold water, it’s just about time for him and Celestino to board their plane. The good news about crying so much is that all Yuuri feels is utter blankness and weariness once more, without any thoughts or feelings other than sheer exhaustion and the need to quell it plaguing his mind. He falls asleep almost immediately after he takes his seat on the plane, only waking up for a while when Celestino insists he eat and drink something. Right now, happy as he is to have a successful competition behind him, Yuuri just prefers dreaming to reality. In his dreams, he still gets to be with Viktor, dancing the night away together while laughing and touching and kissing. In dreams they don’t have to care who sees them, and they can declare their feelings for all the world to see.

Celestino eventually shakes him awake a second time when they’re just about to land. Yuuri still feels weary and melancholy, his head a little fuzzy and groggy from his sleep, but he’s happy to be back in Detroit. This feeling is only increased when he and Celestino have picked up their things and made it through the security, and he is practically tackled into a tight hug by the hurricane that is Phichit Chulanont.

“Yuuri, Ciao Ciao!” Phichit shouts gleefully right into Yuuri’s ear, holding him tight in his arms. “Welcome back! Congratulations on your silver medal, Yuuri! I knew you could do it, I just knew it!”

For the first time since they left Turin, Yuuri feels his lips turn into a bit of a smile as he pats Phichit on the back. “Thanks, Phichit. It’s good to be back.” And, as much as he misses Viktor, as much as he liked having some time to spend alone with Viktor, he realizes he means what he says, that he’s also just really glad to see his friend again. It’s strange to think how quickly he’s become attached to Phichit, to the point that he finds he’s missed him a little even though they haven’t been apart for that long. He doesn’t mind though, and instead lets himself draw comfort from that feeling, as well as the enthusiasm shining from Phichit that he borrows a little of for himself like always.

“Come on, come on, let’s go, you have to tell me everything!” Phichit says as unwraps himself from around Yuuri and then promptly proceeds to grab onto one piece of Yuuri’s luggage to help. Yuuri doesn’t protest, because it would be of no use anyway, and just agreeably starts talking about the GPF as Celestino leads the way to where he parked his car when they originally came to the airport not too long ago. Since Celestino can hear what they’re saying, Yuuri mostly focuses on what he has to say about the competition itself, telling Phichit all about the skating programs he saw and how he felt while skating his own. He makes a mental promise to himself to tell Phichit more once it’s just the two of them, though, since Viktor said it would be alright to tell him. Regardless, Phichit is eager to hear everything Yuuri has to say, listening intently with shining eyes and eager nods, as well as constantly adding to the conversation with good follow-up questions that do well to keep Yuuri talking.

Yuuri’s still not done telling him everything by the time Celestino drops him and Phichit off at the training facility, leaving the two of them to haul Yuuri’s luggage up to their shared apartment. As soon as the door shuts behind Phichit, however, he gets that same gleeful look in his eyes he had when Yuuri came back from the Rostelecom Cup, as if he can just smell the gossip-worthy news radiating off Yuuri. Yuuri lets out an internal, resigned sigh. He knew this was coming, but he wasn’t prepared for it to take place so soon. He hasn’t even taken his shoes off yet!

“So,” Phichit starts, not letting a moment go to waste as he quickly takes off his outerwear and walks over to the living room. “How was it seeing Viktor again?”

Unlike last time, Yuuri is prepared for the question and doesn’t even blush. Rather, he only smiles wistfully a little as he starts to casually take off his own outdoor coat and shoes. “It was very wonderful, all in all,” he says, hanging up his clothes before moving to sit with Phichit on their couch.

“I saw the videos of the press conference, you know,” Phichit says. “You weren’t being exactly subtle there.”

“I know,” Yuuri sighs. “I guess I wasn’t really thinking at the time. Viktor didn’t mind though.”

“Oh, I’m betting he didn’t.” Phichit smirks, waggling his eyebrows in a suggestive enough manner to make Yuuri flush just a little. “So…can you confirm or deny your relationship with him now?”

Yuuri smiles. “He said it was okay to tell you…so, yes. We’re together.”

“Wohoo!” Phichit shouts out, standing up on their couch with his fist high up in the air, jumping a little. “I knew it! I knew it, but it’s still awesome!”

“Calm down, please,” Yuuri says, but it’s with laughter in his tone.

Phichit is still quick to do as Yuuri asks, flopping down to sit by him again, this time close enough to stare Yuuri right in the eyes, grabbing onto his shoulders with his hands. “Yuuri, you’re living the dream! You’re dating your childhood idol and the man you’ve always admired!”

“I know, right?” Yuuri can’t help but giggle a little. “I almost can’t believe it. I keep expecting to wake up to find it has all just been a dream.”

“You seem really happy, though,” Phichit says, smiling softly.

“I am happy,” Yuuri admits softly. He bites his lip momentarily, hesitating a little and testing out the words in his mind. But he’s pretty sure Phichit knows anyway, and he wants to tell someone, even if he can’t yet find the words to tell Viktor himself. “I…I think I love him, Phichit. I want to be with him.” Flushing, he stares down at his lap as his throat starts to close up. His eyes are starting to sting again. “I don’t like that we have to be so secretive, even though I get why. And I hate the distance and being apart from him.” He pauses, taking a few steadying breaths. “It was really hard to leave.”

Phichit doesn’t say anything to that, but he smiles gently in sympathy before placing a warm hand on Yuuri’s shoulder as a gesture of comfort. Yuuri honestly prefers that to words in this situation, because there are no words that can make this better, to make him miss Viktor less. As a sign of gratitude for his understanding, he manages to give Phichit a bit of a smile back.

“Hey, you should check if he’s sent you any messages since you left!” Phichit says after a moment’s comfortable silence.

Yuuri blinks in thought, realizing that he hasn’t actually turned his phone on yet since he and Celestino landed in Detroit, and Viktor has probably been back in St. Petersburg for some time now. He might’ve indeed tried to reach out to him. Now, realizing this, he doesn’t hesitate a minute longer, just wordlessly starting to dig into his backpack for this phone. Finding it, he’s quick to turn it back on, his heartbeat accelerating all the while as he waits for it to wake up and come alive, his breaths coming out short and nervous. Once the phone has finally turned properly back on, Yuuri’s heart jumps into his throat as he sees that there are indeed messages waiting for him from Viktor. He hurries to open them, his fingers shaking with excitement, not even caring that Phichit is clearly reading them over his shoulder as well.

_From: Vitya_

_made it home. i miss u more and more tho :’(._

_From: Vitya_

_how was ur flight? did u make it back ok?_

Although the messages have arrived hours ago already, Yuuri still rushes to write a reply.

_From: Me_

_I’m back at my apartment now. The flight was okay. I slept through most of it._

He sends the message off, but then hesitates, more acutely aware of Phichit’s stare now than ever. Yuuri gives him a bit of a meaningful look, narrowing his eyes and staring intently.

Phichit sighs, holding his hands up in a gesture of surrender and backing off a little to the other end of the couch. “Fine, fine, I won’t look.”

Yuuri smiles a little, before starting to type again.

_From: Me_

_I miss you too. So much. I cried before we boarded our flight because I didn’t want to leave yet._

He blushes a little at being so bold, but he sends the message anyway. When he looks up from his phone afterwards, he sees Phichit is smiling over at him from where he’s sitting, but also that he still has a bit of that dangerous gleam in his eyes.

“That’s it,” he says, his tone determined and not leaving any room for arguments. “We’re making you an Instagram account. Right now.”

“What?” Yuuri squeaks in surprise. He has no idea how what he was just doing made Phichit come to that particular conclusion.

“Yuuri,” Phichit says, his tone serious as he talks slowly, as if he’s explaining something very simple to a small child. “You’re in a long-distance relationship now. You need to be able to keep up with what is going on with your boyfriend, and let him keep up with what is going on with you, too. Just texts and the occasional Skype call aren’t going to cut it for much longer. You guys need to be able to see each other’s faces and peer into each other’s lives once in a while too, you know?”

“But I barely even use Twitter,” is all Yuuri can think to say.

“All the more reason to do it!” Phichit insists, the manic glee in his eyes becoming accompanied by a matching manic grin. “And don’t worry, I’ll make sure you use Insta if it’s the last thing I ever do.”

Somehow, Yuuri doesn’t doubt that, and finds himself unable to refuse when Phichit insists he get to work on making himself an Instagram account. They pick out a username for him, but run into a bit more trouble as they try to choose a profile picture for him because Phichit is unsatisfied with all the photos in Yuuri’s phone gallery.

“You seriously need to take more selfies Yuuri,” Phichit says, shaking his head. “Don’t worry though, I’ll fix this.”

They end up having a small impromptu photoshoot in their living room with Phichit working the camera on Yuuri’s phone and then giving him what he calls “all the best filters.” Finally satisfied, Phichit allows Yuuri to put in his democratically chosen profile picture, and even Yuuri has to admit it looks pretty good. If Phichit keeps helping him with the photography, maybe he will have some use for this particular account after all.

As soon as his new Instagram is finished, Yuuri quickly follows Phichit and Viktor, and a few other skaters he spots that have accounts. Afterwards he also picks out another decent photo from his and Phichit’s photoshoot and posts it as his first non-profile picture for his account. He tags Phichit, and he swears that as soon as the picture goes online Phichit has already shared it, resulting in Yuuri’s phone seeming to practically blow up from notifications and follows.

Yuuri ignores all of them for the most part, instead settling into telling Phichit more about Turin and the time he spent with Viktor. He leaves out some details because Phichit is still only 16 and doesn’t have to know all of it, especially Yuuri’s plan of losing his virginity to Viktor at Worlds. It’s still nice to talk to someone about it now, to share just how much Viktor means to Yuuri with at least one other person. The two of them gradually move onto watching a movie for the night and Phichit cheerfully reads the comments on Yuuri’s first Instagram post out loud to him because Yuuri refuses to look at them himself. It’s all in good fun though and despite the bone-deep weariness that still seems to be haunting Yuuri, all of it is enough to keep Yuuri awake until it’s time for him to go to sleep in Detroit time.

As he’s settling into bed, Yuuri goes over and deletes most of the notifications on his phone, right up until he finally receives another message from Viktor.  

_From: Vitya_

_!!! u got an insta!!_

Yuuri can’t help the smile that spreads on his lips. He can almost hear Viktor’s voice speaking the words in his ears, the cheerful happiness ringing in them. Although it makes him miss Viktor even more, it strangely also seems to make some of the pain of being away from him go away for at least a little while.

_From: Me_

_Yeah...Phichit made me get one. I told him about us, and he said I needed to have one for you, so you can have a better view into my life or something._

_From: Vitya_

_!!! thank him for me. i really appreciate it! :D._

_From: Vitya_

_its night for u already right? are u going to sleep?_

_From: Me_

_Yeah, I’m just about to._

_From: Vitya_

_sleep well! <3 _

_From: Me_

_Thanks. I’ll text you in the morning. Night._

…

**y-katsuki**

Detroit Skating Facility

[image]

❤ 3,273 likes

 **y-katsuki**  I guess I have one of these now. I blame @phichit+chu. Still, it’s good to be back from #TurinGPF.

View all 137 comments 

 **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** omg, omg, omg! you finally have an insta! thank you @phichit+chu. please make sure yuuri uses his account too, okay?

 **phichit+chu** ;).

 **hopesonblades** Nice to see you arriving at the 21st century @y-katsuki!

 **v-nikiforov**!!!

 **knifeshoes** And of course Viktor is here too ;).

 **yuurisnose** welcome to insta, yuuri!

 **iceicelady** It’ll be nice to see you online more @y-katsuki :).

2 hours ago

…

Although Nationals are just around the corner for Yuuri after the Grand Prix Final, and he wants to keep on working, it turns out to be impossible because the very next day following his return to Detroit, he wakes up to a pounding head, shivers and a stuffy nose. Apparently dropping from all the adrenaline rush of the competition and possibly the constant exposure to plane air conditioning and germs, has led to Yuuri crashing and catching a cold that keeps him in bed for a few days. Phichit and Celestino tag-team on making sure Yuuri rests and doesn’t push himself, and for once Yuuri doesn’t put up much of a fight because he’s just too tired to and arguing makes his head feel worse.

“Guess we’ve finally found out what can make you take it easy for a while,” Phichit teases as he hands Yuuri a cup of tea he’s kindly prepared for him.

“This is your body’s way of saying you need a break so you don’t burn out,” Celestino tells him, having come over to check up on how he was doing. “Focus on getting better for now, don’t worry about practice. You can’t be at your best at Nationals if you’re not in full health. And Yuuri, you know these programs, you know you do. If you perform like you did at Turin, you’ll have no problems at all at Nationals.”

Yuuri takes the time he’s forced to rest to catch up on sleep and a few TV shows, too tired and dizzy to focus on his gaming for the first few days. He picks up his consoles later on when his fever starts to go down but Celestino still won’t allow him at the rink. Viktor sends him a "get well soon" text every day, busy as he is with his training for his own Nationals. Phichit keeps Yuuri company as well when he’s not out training, and they marathon the _King and the Skater_ movies again in preparation for the fourth one’s midnight showing that is coming up later in the week. Yuuri is determined to keep his promise to Phichit and go with him to see it, despite his illness, even though Phichit insists it won’t be that big of a deal if he misses it.

Thankfully, Yuuri feels well enough to go to the showing, his fever finally having broken. His nose is still a bit runny but he’s well on his way to recovery, even if Phichit keeps asking if he’s _sure_ he’s well enough to go. It’s all more than worth it for Yuuri though. The movie ends up great and he and Phichit both end up crying when the King and Arthur finally wed in a glorious ceremony surrounded by flowers and their loved ones. Just getting to experience that with Phichit makes Yuuri glad he insisted on going.

Yuuri spends the next few days slowly getting more exercise in, starting out with light walks, yoga and stretches with Phichit and then gently escalating towards ballet moves and running once he starts to feel more properly recovered. Afterwards, the few remaining days until Nationals pass in a blur of final practice runs and preparations, adding the few corrections Celestino and Viktor have for his programs. Phichit is coming along with him and Celestino to support Yuuri, since he’s done with his tutoring classes for the year, and with him by his side, Nationals seem to become a happy event for Yuuri. Phichit cheers him on from the sidelines and the two of them take pictures and selfies of everything. Even if no one from Hasetsu could be present at the competition this time around to support him, Yuuri is grateful to have his friend’s support and kindness as a distraction from any nerves he might have for the competition.

In-between everything, Yuuri even manages to send off a few texts to Viktor, telling him about the competition and giving him birthday wishes.

_From: Me_

_Happy birthday!_

_From: Vitya_

_thanks!! ive been following whats been happenin on insta. u did so well in the short again, im so proud! and u seem really happy in the pictures too! <3\. _

_From: Me_

_Yeah, it’s been okay. Having Phichit here is nice._

_From: Me_

_Congrats on your own first place in the short program at your Nationals too :)._

_From: Me_

_Are you doing anything for your birthday today? I mean, I know you’re competing, but in-between?_

_From: Vitya_

_not really. busy training :P. i just keep checking insta and the livestreams for u <3\. _

_From: Me_

_Sorry to hear that, though I get it :/. I hope you have a good day no matter what._

_From: Vitya_

_thank you <3\. davai! _

_From: Me_

_Ganba!_

Yuuri does well in the free program as well, and takes gold by a large margin. He gets bombarded with eager interviewers afterwards, but he manages to deal even with that, and afterwards Phichit and Celestino treat him to a katsudon dinner. Yuuri and Phichit take more pictures, Celestino ends up drinking too much, and his students have to call a cab to take the three of them back to their hotel. With great struggle Phichit and Yuuri somehow manage to get Celestino to bed in his own room, warmly tucked in and with a glass of water on his bedside table for the morning. But as soon as the door to Celestino’s closes shut on them after, Phichit and Yuuri can’t help but cackle out laughing.

“And he’s supposed to be the responsible adult here!” Phichit giggles all the way back to their room.

The two of them spend the rest of the night posting more pictures on Instagram, talking about random things and watching some Japanese TV in their room. Yuuri does his best to translate what is going on in it for Phichit, but Phichit mostly just rolls with it and follows with his eyes if not with his ears. It’s fun and calming; the perfect way to wind down after a long day. Indeed, soon enough Yuuri finds himself beginning to grow tired, his eyes falling shut in small bouts of sleepiness once in a while. Finally, he gives up on trying to stay awake and wordlessly begins to settle underneath the covers in his bed. Phichit is quick to follow his example, likely a little jet-lagged still.

“Hey, Yuuri?” Phichit whispers into the darkness from his bed, when Yuuri’s almost asleep already.

“Hm?” Yuuri mumbles, not feeling capable of saying much else at the moment.

“I think you’re my best friend,” Phichit says, and he sounds almost bashful as he does, which along with his words is just about enough to startle Yuuri awake.

He doesn’t think anyone has ever called him their best friend before. It makes a strange warmth flood through him, a gentle protective affection that he feels for Phichit and Phichit alone. It’s different from the way he feels about Viktor or even his friends back in Hasetsu. Phichit doesn’t make his heart pound that same way, and there is no attraction towards him like there is towards Viktor, but the protectiveness is something new in regards to any of Yuuri’s other friends. It’s different, but Yuuri doesn’t mind. In a way, he kind of likes it, being the older friend for once, and having this sort of connection that only he and Phichit share, brought together by being two boys willing to follow their dreams far away from home.

“I think you’re my best friend too,” Yuuri whispers back.

They don’t say anything else. It’s enough.

…

Phichit Chulanont @phichit+chu · 1 h 15 m

[image] [image] [image]

Look who is the national champion of Japan again! That’s right, my #bestfriend @y-katsuki! #AllJapan #JapNats #katsukiyuuri

 

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 1 h

waaah, congrats to yuuri-chan! it was a wonderful performance! #katsukiyuuri #AllJapan

 

Yuuri’s Blue @blueisthenewblack · 57 m

This season has been so great for him and for us! #katsukiyuuri

 

Yuuri’s Nose @yuurisnose · 50 m

i’m so proud of him! this means worlds for yuuri! #katsukiyuuri #AllJapan

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 44 m

And we all know what that means ;). #katsukiyuuri #viktornikiforov #Victuuri

 

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 42 m

Aaah, I can’t wait! #Victuuri

 

Blades on Ice @thebladeskater · 37 m

Must you guys bring shipping to everything? Yuuri’s been the winner for five minutes, maybe let him enjoy that for a while? #katsukiyuuri

 

Hamsters on Ice @hamsterskates · 33 m

Waaah, I can’t believe you called y-katsuki your best friend @phichit+chu! That’s so sweet!

 

Hamsters on Ice @hamsterskates · 30 m

And you went all the way to Japan just to support him too! #thebestbffs #skaterfriends4ever #AllJapan

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 28 m

ill never undrstand katsuki stans. he has lil to no grace and def no jump. mayb if he was nicer to look at but nope. jus plain ol asian.

 

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 25 m

do you even watch his programs or are you just here to make insults @vityaswoman? because i’m still more than willing to fight.

 

Yuuri’s Blue @blueisthenewblack · 20 m

Also what do you mean by “plain ol Asian” as you put it @vityaswoman? That’s kinda racist don’t you think?

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 19 m

what r u talkin abt? i cant be racist, i have a ton of Asian friends.

…

Once the three of them return to Detroit and Yuuri has been confirmed for both Four Continents and Worlds as Japan’s representative in Men’s Singles this season, Yuuri promptly makes up his mind to take the cat out of the bag and talk to Celestino about having his own room at Worlds. He brings the matter up before practice one day not long after Nationals.

His coach blinks in surprise when Yuuri makes the request, which doesn’t shock Yuuri. He doesn’t usually ask for much aside from things somehow related to coaching, and much less something like this. Yuuri is, after all, always eager to save money as much as he can, which is why he has always roomed with his coach so far. But Yuuri has prepared for this conversation and has his arguments ready to fire.

“I just think it’ll make it easier for me, to get to focus on myself for a bit and not have to worry about anything else so much. I think I’ll be able to relax better if it’s just me, and I really want to do well this year, coach.” None of these things are lies, which is why Yuuri is certain they will work the best to convince Celestino. Yuuri does relax better when there is no one around to watch him and judge him, and he knows Celestino knows this as well. He just hopes it’s enough to convince him.

“Yuuri,” Celestino says gently, holding up an appeasing hand. “I get it. You’re 20 already after all, it’s natural of you to want some privacy. I have no issue with you having your own room, though I must warn you it might be difficult to get one anymore. Most rooms have been booked a long time in advance, especially by the media, officials and fans.”

“I understand,” Yuuri says, though an unpleasant tightness is quickly beginning to form in his throat. He hadn’t thought about there perhaps not being available rooms at all before now. “I’ll let you know when I have more information, coach.”

“That’s fine, Yuuri,” Celestino smiles, before placing one of his large hands on Yuuri’s shoulder. “Now, start warming up, I want you to focus on your spins and spirals today, okay?”

“Yes, coach.”

Even with this issue burning in the back of his head, Yuuri does his best to focus on practice, and for the most part he manages well enough. The ice is his escape from the outside world after all, and while he’s on it he can usually forget most of other things than what is happening right now, in this moment. Besides, it’s not like he can really do anything about this problem while he’s skating.

Still, when he gets a break, Yuuri can’t stop himself from looking into the hotels in Gothenburg from that period to see if any rooms are available. He starts out with the one where he and Celestino were meant to be staying in, alongside almost every other skater and their teams. When none of the rooms there seem available, he moves onto other locations, but has equally bad luck there. The only rooms free are at hotels much further away and staying there would rather defeat the purpose for which he’s doing this in the first place, since he and Viktor would have to go back and forth between each other’s hotels and lose valuable time that way.

Yuuri might start spiraling over the matter if he was alone, but since Celestino calls him back to practice, he’s merely left frustrated and hurt and free to skate that away. Before he goes back to the ice, however, he sends off a quick text to Viktor. He’s learning that no matter what the situation, it usually helps him to just talk to Viktor about it. This time around it’s especially vital, since this concerns Viktor, too. It’s for the best for Yuuri to tell him about what is going on now before he gets his hopes up even more after all, and he might even be able to help if he knows the situation.

_From: Me_

_Me having my own room at Worlds may not work out. Everything’s booked already. Sorry :(._

Yuuri goes off to skate off his sadness and longing for Viktor. The thought he and Viktor may have to sneak around as much as before again stings more than he thought it would. He already misses Viktor so much, and only the thought they might have a little more time to spend together at Worlds has made him feel better about it during this time of separation. Knowing he might not even have that makes him ache right to his bones.

Still, being on the ice and skating all of it out helps, and by the time he steps off the ice, he’s feeling a little better and less like he might cry soon. It also helps him to see that Viktor has sent him a message in return when he gets the chance to check his phone again.

_From: Vitya_

_okay. i have a suggestion. u can totally say no and i wont be offended or anythg. But._

_From: Vitya_

_we could share my room? i have one with a king-sized bed. well both fit fine._

_From: Vitya_

_u can tell ur coach u found a cancellation or something. he doesnt need to know the truth. then u just come stay w/ me._

_From: Vitya_

_no pressure tho. for anything. id just like to spend time with u :)._

Yuuri’s blush seems to grow with each one of the texts he reads, his heart-rate accelerating in his chest to the point of pounding in his ears. Perhaps Viktor doesn’t mean for them to sound the way Yuuri’s slightly hoping he does, but…honestly it’s kind of the perfect solution, regardless of what he might mean. He would likely spend most of all the time he and Viktor have in Viktor’s room anyway if Viktor allows it, and this would be a good way for him to save a little money if he just splits the cost with Viktor. Not to mention…if Viktor is ready to do something like the two of them sharing a room, and is even suggesting it himself…then maybe, just maybe, he’s been having similar thoughts or hopes as Yuuri about Worlds.

Yuuri may be a little nervous about it all, but the thought of that makes him excited as well. It sends his heart racing for an entirely different reason, makes his mouth go dry, warmth spreading all over his body. He _wants_ Viktor to want him in the way he wants Viktor.

With somewhat shaky hands, he types.

_From: Me_

_I’m okay with that._

He hesitates for a moment after sending the first message, then continues.

_From: Me_

_I miss you. I lo_

Yuuri pauses, realizing what he was about to write, and quickly deletes it, sending just the first sentence instead. Yuuri doesn’t think he’s quite ready to express that other sentence in words yet, at least not to Viktor, and he wants the first time he says it to be in person anyway. He knows how he feels, and he may be almost certain what Viktor would say in return if he told him, but it’s not the time for that yet. Everything so far has been happening so fast because of the limited time he and Viktor always have to spend together. But for this one thing at least, Yuuri wants to take a little while longer, just to be sure.

_From: Vitya_

_great! :D :D_

_From: Vitya_

_miss u too._

Yuuri smiles.

…

Celestino easily buys the excuse Viktor came up with when Yuuri presents it to him, and Yuuri is quick to let Viktor know the good news as well, who is delighted to hear it. Yuuri feels a bit bad for lying to Celestino, but it can’t really be helped. Not if he really wants to do this. Still, the mix of guilt and excitement is enough for him to at least tell Phichit the truth of the matter, even if he still leaves the more possibly R-rated details out. They are, after all, not even yet confirmed, so he doesn’t even feel too bad about not telling Phichit about them.

“Damn Yuuri,” Phichit grins at him, lightly and playfully punching him in the arm after he comes clean. “Good for you. Honestly, it was about time you started living a bit more dangerously.”

Yuuri stares. “I’m literally in a secret relationship that could destroy both my career and Vitya’s if the truth comes out. Isn’t that dangerous enough?”

Phichit shrugs. “Okay, fair point. Still, it’s good to know I’ve rubbed off on you at least a bit, and that you’re not so afraid to take a few risks to get what you want.” His mouth turns into a sly grin. “You gonna bang Viktor or what?”

“What?!” Yuuri shrieks. “Wh-what gave you that idea?!”

“Yuuri, please!” Phichit laughs, as if he didn’t just dislocate Yuuri’s brain. “I may be younger than you, but I’m not stupid! You’re going to be sharing a room with your boyfriend who is also your childhood idol and who you still have posters of on your wall, while you’re somewhere with very little real adult supervision! Besides, Viktor is hot and you’ll be in an enclosed space with him, alone, a lot. It’s pretty simple math what you two are planning on doing.”

Yuuri’s pretty sure he’s blushing up to his ears. This is not something he wants to discuss with his 16-year-old roommate.

“I don’t think we should be talking about this,” he groans, trying his best to hide his reddened face behind his arm.

“Okay, okay, fine, fine,” Phichit says, holding his hands up in surrender, even though he sounds a little disappointed. “But I wish you the best on your mission, soldier.” He winks.

Yuuri finds himself smiling a little at that. “I hope I won’t need it.”

“Oh, you nasty!” Phichit teases, punching Yuuri in the arm again. “Lemme know how it goes, okay? Since I’m not gonna be there to cheer you on and all.”

Yuuri freezes. He’s been so focused on everything else lately, with the Final first, then getting sick and then the Nationals, that he’d forgotten Phichit won’t be going to Worlds with him this year. Thailand still doesn’t have that much presence in the figure skating world, and they’re only allowed to send one representative in the Men’s Singles category to that particular competition. And this year it won’t be Phichit. Goddamit, Yuuri’s been so selfish. He hasn’t been thinking about his friend’s feelings at all.

“Hey,” Phichit says, his tone softer now. “I can hear you thinking all the way from here. And let me stop you right there with where I know that is going. Yuuri,” he leans forward, placing two warm hands on each of Yuuri’s shoulders, forcing Yuuri to look him right in the eyes.

“It’s okay. I still have Four Continents and Nationals to look forward to. And I’ll do better this year than I did last. I can make it to Worlds next year, I know I can. I just needed a bit more time to get better. This is only my first Senior season, I’ve got time. I’m not gonna say I’m not a little bummed, but it can’t be helped. All I can do is just keep growing and doing my best for the rest of my season, and try to be happy that someone else has the chance to experience Worlds in my stead, even if I can’t. So don’t feel like you have to pity me or be guilty that you’re going to Worlds and I’m not, when all I need you to do is just do your best for the both of us there.”

Yuuri slowly manages to melt his guilty and worried face into a cautious smile, and reaches up to softly touch Phichit’s hand. “I know you’ll be great Phichit. You have so much talent. I have faith in you.” He pauses, wanting to say what he’s been thinking since he first met Phichit. “But more importantly, you never lose the faith you have in yourself. I really…admire that about you.”

Phichit beams at that, and launches forward to evolve Yuuri in a hug. Yuuri jumps a little in surprise at the suddenness of it, but is quick to relax into it and wrap his arms gently around Phichit in a returning show of affection.

“I admire you too, Yuuri,” Phichit murmurs into his shoulder. “You work so hard, even with how much you struggle internally. And you always get up no matter what, and try again. You’ve come so far and you’ve made it now, all because you never gave up. I hope…I hope I’ll be able to do that too, one day.”

“You will,” Yuuri murmurs, gently stroking Phichit’s back up and down once. “I know you will be great. The audience already loves you. I know you can make the judges love you too. It’s only a matter of time.”

They don’t say any more after that, but they hold each other for a few more moments in a comfortable silence. Yuuri knows Phichit understands anyway. They’ve said all that needs to be said right now.

**…**

**phichit+chu**

Detroit Skating Facility

[image]

❤ 856 likes

 **phichit+chu**  Just a normal day with y-katsuki :).

View all 18 comments 

 **hamstersinskates** you two are cute as always :).

 **hopesonblades** You guys look like such good friends! It’s great you’re getting along so well!

 **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** yuuri-chan’s hair is so cute and fluffy here! thanks as always for the content, phichit!

 **yuurisblue** I wonder what kind of shampoo he uses?

 **icescream** You two are the cutest friends in figure skating world, I swear <3.

4 days ago

…

It takes a few more days for all of it to hit Yuuri, busy as he is with practice and school, even over the holidays. He’s not sure what eventually makes him realize it, just as he usually isn’t aware of his triggers. Perhaps there is no specific reason, and it’s all been working itself into his mind from the beginning and is only just getting to break to the surface. But one day, almost completely out of the blue, he realizes that he’s really planning on doing this. He’s really going to be sharing a room with Viktor at Worlds. And not just that. If everything goes according to plan, _he’s going to have sex with Viktor Nikiforov in the room they’ll be sharing together_ . And it won’t just be any regular sex either, but he’ll be _losing his virginity to his boyfriend Viktor Nikiforov, the man he’s had a crush on since he was a kid and always looked up to_.

It doesn’t take long for his thoughts to start wandering, because whenever Yuuri gets the chance to think about things, he usually overthinks them, and this time is no exception. Viktor is Yuuri’s first partner in everything, including hopefully the physical side of relationships. Yuuri’s still learning how to kiss properly, even, and what to do when Viktor is upset. He has no idea what he’s supposed to do when couples are supposed to take the next step in their relationships, aside from some things he’s read and seen online and imagined in his own mind. He has no experience in how to make someone feel good when having sex, and there is a very high chance that he’ll suck at it. Yuuri’s never been very naturally talented in most things he does, and has only mastered all his skills to the degree he has through hard work and practice. But he can’t exactly practice this until the moment of truth is actually happening. He can only really charge ahead and hope for the best.

But what if that is not enough? What if Viktor hates it? What if he decides he never wants to try it again with Yuuri? What if he takes it as proof they’re not that compatible and decides he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Yuuri anymore? Especially when Yuuri’s almost certain he won’t be Viktor’s first. He may take all the rumors and media gossip about all the guys Viktor was supposedly going out with over the years with a big grain of salt, especially with Yakov’s Rule in place, and knowing what a lonely life Viktor has led so far, but he can’t bring himself to believe Viktor has never been with anyone else no matter what. Surely he’s already had better sex than Katsuki Yuuri, an anxious virgin, can offer him.

It keeps getting worse and worse, especially because Yuuri feels like he can’t even talk to or ask anyone about it. The only people he even _could_ talk about it with in less than vague terms are Phichit and Viktor, and neither one of them works here. Phichit is still too young, and Yuuri just plain has no idea how to even begin a conversation about sex with Viktor, even if he intellectually recognizes he needs to bring it up sooner or later if they’re going to be having it at all. He’s talked about his insecurities with Viktor before, of course, but this takes on a whole new level of embarrassment and intimacy. It’s not exactly something he can just casually bring up either, especially when the two of them haven’t been able to be in contact as much again since separating, thanks to their differing and busy schedules.

Unable to break the cycle of spiraling, his thoughts keep on haunting him more and more, finally culminating in another sleepless night of googling what to do when two men have sex. Unfortunately, all the advice Yuuri seems to find either feels vague or contradictory to one another, aside from the obvious things like prep and lube, and are therefore generally unhelpful. It somehow eventually leads him down the rabbit hole of reading about first time horror stories on chat forums. It just makes everything worse because Yuuri’s head practically starts swimming with the vivid imagery of himself in many of these humiliating situations where he messes it all up and makes all the mistakes possible when it comes to intimacy.

And then suddenly, as quick as a blink of an eye, Yuuri realizes what he’s doing. This is him going down to those dark places again, letting himself get caught up in a singular mindset. He hasn’t been going to therapy as often now as in the beginning because he’s been managing to cope without it well enough, even with all the ups and downs. Perhaps now would be a good time to stop dealing with all of it alone and to go see Dr. Honda again. Maybe she can help him sort out some of the things that have been going through his head. She is after all a reliable adult and she can’t tell anyone about anything Yuuri tells her thanks to the doctor-patient confidentiality.

Without thinking about it much more, Yuuri turns off the internet on his phone and switches to his text conversation with Viktor instead.

_From: Me_

_Would it be okay if I talked to my therapist about us, too? I know I said I would only tell Phichit but this is kind of important and I can’t really talk to him about it. She won’t and can’t tell anyone, I swear._

Because of the time difference, Viktor replies promptly.

_From: Vitya_

_u can tell her if u need to. i know what u share with her is confidential, and if it helps u, u should do it._

_From: Vitya_

_are u doin ok?_

Despite himself, Yuuri can’t help but smile a little at Viktor’s concern.

_From: Yuuri_

_I’m not doing great right now, but hopefully I’ll feel better after I go see her. I’ll get back to you about it, okay?_

_From: Vitya_

_Ok._

_From: Vitya_

_now go to sleep, isnt it like super late over there? :O._

Yuuri lets out a chuckle.

_From: Me_

_Okay. Good night._

_From: Vitya_

_Night! <3\. _

Yuuri turns off his phone after that, and even manages to sleep through the rest of the night. In the morning, he makes an appointment with Dr. Honda, and manages to get one that is only a few days away. After that, he just does his best to get through the few days in between, before heading off to see Dr. Honda with the regular slight nerves mixed with the relief he also tends to feel when going to his therapy sessions, knowing he gets to tell her everything and feel better for it afterwards.

“Hello, Yuuri,” she greets him in Japanese with a small smile, shaking his hand as he steps into her spacious office, taking his regular seat on her couch. “How have you been?”

Yuuri shrugs, allowing himself to draw some sense of calm from the neutral, earthy tones of Dr. Honda’s office and the plush firmness of her couch. “I’ve been mostly okay. I’ve been applying your techniques, and they’ve helped me a lot. I just haven’t been doing so well this past week or so, and I…I ended up staying up again.”

She nods. “You did the right thing by coming to me, then. Would you like to tell me what has been going on? Have you had a particular trigger that you recognize this time? Is it related to skating?”

“No, not skating this time,” Yuuri says, licking his lips as he prepares his words. “Actually, I’m…I entered into a new relationship a while ago. A romantic one.”

“Ah,” Dr. Honda says, smiling a little. “I see. Is what you’re dealing with related to that?” Yuuri nods. “Would you like to elaborate on what is bothering you, then?”

Yuuri quickly starts going over all the main points regarding his and Viktor’s relationship; the way it progressed from friendship to love, the risks they are taking and how much he misses him when they’re apart, concluding with his fears and thoughts concerning taking the next step and his general inexperience in such matters. He talks about how much he not only doesn’t want to lose Viktor, but also how in general he just wants the experience to be good for both of them, to be something to think about in the upcoming months when they’ll barely be able to see each other.

He takes in a few calming breaths once he’s done talking, and Dr. Honda is quick to offer him a plastic cup of water that he gratefully accepts.

“Yuuri,” Dr. Honda says, her tone even and smooth as she retakes her seat across from him. “We’ve talked in the past about how you tend to exaggerate how big of a problem something is in your head and use up needless energy worrying about it when you don’t necessarily need to. And I believe that is what is happening right now as well.”

She gives him a gentle smile of encouragement. “It’s perfectly normal to be nervous about your first time, but it’s also normal for something to go wrong during it. That is where you’re quite lucky, actually, and should consider yourself as such. From what you’ve told me now and the way you’ve talked about Viktor in the past, it sounds like your first time will be with someone you really care about and who cares about you in return. I think that is what you should be focusing on, rather than having the perfect performance that you quite rightfully can’t really expect from yourself if you don’t know what you’re doing. Sex, like most other things in life, is something we become better at with practice, and you need to try and give yourself the room to fail.

“What I think you should focus on is that it’s just one more experience that you’ll get to share with Viktor, the person that you love. No matter how bad or uncomfortable the sex itself might be – and we can’t know, it may even not end up being that bad – if you focus more on the fact that it’s something that the two of you will share in your memories for the rest of your lives, I strongly believe the whole experience will be better for you and you’ll be able to relax a little more.”

Yuuri can’t help but blink in wonder, as always almost shocked into silence with how Dr. Honda always seems to know exactly what to say to get through to him, to get him to stop spiraling and running in circles with his thoughts.

“I’m still scared though,” he admits quietly. “What if he leaves me after because…because of how bad it was?”

“I can’t promise that won’t happen, or that you won’t be hurt in one way or another,” she says, and Yuuri winces a little. “But honestly, if you not being perfect at sex during your first time is a deal breaker for him, then I’d have to say he’s not really worthy of you, even if I know at the moment it might not make you feel much better.” She smiles gently. “But from what you’ve told me, I don’t think he’ll be that shallow or care so little for you as to do that. Honestly, if he has more experience than you as you suspect, it’ll probably work in both of your favor because he’ll be able to guide you, and therefore make the experience a little more enjoyable for you both.”

She takes in a breath. “Right now, however, I think what you need to do is to bring the whole matter up to him and talk honestly and openly about all of it, especially the things you’re nervous about. And this needs to happen before you actually see him. I’m sure you already understand this, but communication is an important part of any relationship, and even more so with a sexual one. That sort of act requires a lot of trust, and the best way to build that is through talking. You need to try and tell him how you feel, and even bring up the whole idea that you want to move your relationship up to the next level in the first place, so he can express any of the nerves he might have back to you. Remember, he can’t read your mind, so he has no idea what you’re thinking or planning. And he needs to know so he can make his own decisions and sort out his own feelings before it all actually happens.”

Yuuri nods slowly, staring down at his lap in thought. He had originally thought he’d just like to surprise Viktor with a bold request to take the next step at Worlds, but…he can’t just assume things will be that simple. He and Viktor will be sharing a room, and he can’t trust they won’t get carried away by each other’s closeness before actual discussions on important things can take place. They need to have had a conversation about all of it before it actually happens, and the best way to do it is over Skype or regular phone when they have some distance to keep their heads on straight and focused on the issue. The thought of talking about sex with Viktor might make Yuuri feel rather hot under the collar, but he knows it’s the right thing to do, and he needs to gather his courage to do it. After all, doesn’t the saying go that if you can’t talk about it you shouldn’t be doing it?

Yuuri raises his head again to look up into Dr. Honda’s eyes. “Do you have any tips for how I can bring something like that up with him so out of the blue?”

“You don’t have to start the conversation by talking about sex,” Dr. Honda says, a bit of a playful smile on her lips. “You could, for example, start by talking about any past experiences or lovers in general. It’ll also help you sort out any gossip you may have heard in the past, and help settle your expectations and nerves on more realistic grounds. It’s also a good idea to let him know he’s your first in every way, too. You can build the conversation forward from there, and even if you can’t, it’ll still probably make you feel better and give you both a better idea of what is about to happen.”

Yuuri nods silently again, biting his lip in thought. It’s something he’ll need to think about more on his own. For now though, he needs to focus on the rest of his therapy session, and talking about the pressures of the season so far and what is still yet to come. He’s been feeling okay so far, but he knows himself well enough that it won’t hurt to prepare for a meltdown due to heightened expectations now that he’s been doing relatively well.

…

As soon as Yuuri gets out of his session with Dr. Honda, he sends off a text to Viktor.

_From: Me_

_Do you think we could Skype soon? I’d like to actually be able to talk to you again._

Yuuri heads off for a ballet session after that, and by the time he’s done, Viktor has sent in a reply for him.

_From: Vitya_

_saturday ok?_

_From: Me_

_That should work. What time?_

It takes a while, but they manage to agree on a time slot that works best for both of them. The only problem is that Yuuri’s nerves only seem to increase more and more with each day spent waiting for Saturday to arrive. He keeps thinking over and over what he should say to Viktor and how he should say it, unable to stop. He pours most of his nerves onto the ice to the best of his ability, but it can’t completely erase his feelings and he feels a bit out of focus. He does his best to apply his coping methods, too, and takes advantage of his sleeping medication when nothing else helps, but the nerves keep returning to him in doses regardless.

Still, the days pass slowly as they do, and finally, _finally_ Saturday dawns upon Yuuri. Unfortunately, the day itself arriving doesn’t ease up on his anxieties, rather leaving him all the more on edge as he waits for the time he and Viktor had agreed to talk to arrive. Even Phichit is not there to distract him, thankful as Yuuri is for the privacy he and Viktor will have for their talk, provided by thefact that his friend has gone out to spend some time with their other rinkmates. Yuuri has a feeling Phichit’s chosen this particular day to go out on purpose so he and Viktor can have some peace. Yuuri makes a mental note to do something fun with him soon, something Phichit gets to choose, to thank him.

Yuuri counts the minutes to the hour when he can call Viktor, and when he finally actually gets to see Viktor’s smiling face on his laptop screen, as soon as Viktor greets him with a cheerful, “Hi! Oh, Yuuri, your hair has grown so much since I last saw you, it looks amazing!”, Yuuri can feel most of his nerves evaporating. It feels like a huge knot that he’s been carrying in his stomach that has been winding itself tighter and tighter with each passing day, has finally come loose at the sound of Viktor’s voice and the sight of his face. For the first time in a week, Yuuri can breathe with ease and forget his worries for the moment.

For a while they just talk like normal, catching up with everything they’ve missed in each other’s lives, and Yuuri lets himself get swept up in the moment and the warmth of it all. Yuuri quickly finds himself smiling and laughing alongside Viktor, relaxing his shoulders and muscles and being filled with that same sort of warmth that always comes from being with Viktor.

It’s during a slight lull in the conversation that Viktor says, “Yuuri, not that I am not incredibly happy to be talking to you, but was there any particular reason you wanted us to? And was it perhaps related to why you wished to tell your therapist about the two of us?”

A new lump of nervousness is quick to form in Yuuri’s throat, but he manages to calm himself by taking a few deep breaths. He knows he must seize this opportunity as the opening that it is. That thought gives him the courage he needs to say, “I did have a reason,” before clearing his throat a little. “I needed my therapist’s advice on something. Something that’s been bothering me all week. It’s also something I know I should talk to you about, but I’m just…I’m just really nervous. I have so many things I want to say and ask, but I’m not sure how to bring them up without making everything weird, and…”

“Yuuri,” Viktor says gently, his eyes visibly warm and kind even through the laptop screen. “If there is something you wish to talk to me about, I welcome you to do so, no matter what. Like I said before, the only way for us to learn to navigate our relationship and each other, is through talking and bringing things up. Therefore, please feel free to talk to me about anything, always. If I don’t wish to discuss something, I can always say so when you bring it up, can’t I?”

Yuuri manages a small smile, feeling the warmth of Viktor’s encouragement spreading through his body. “Yeah,” he says. “So…can I talk to you now, then?”

“Please do.”

Yuuri bites his lip, trying to muddle through his jumbled thoughts to find the words he needs to say and how he should say them. He wants to start this conversation lightly rather than by jumping straight to the point, following the openings Dr. Honda suggested, but the words seem almost stuck in his throat. He can’t bring or summon them out, only barely managing to say, “How many have you…I mean…?”

Viktor blinks, raising a single beautifully-sculpted eyebrow in question. “Yes…?”

Yuuri can feel the heat starting to gather at his cheeks and his neck in a horrific embarrassed flush, but he trudges on, even as his voice comes out slightly croaky. He’s already started, he can’t back down now. “How many people…how many people have you been with before me?”

Viktor blinks a few times in a rapid succession, before pressing his finger to his lips, his blue eyes wide and wondrous. He doesn’t say anything.

“I-I’m sorry!” Yuuri cries, knowing his face must be flaming red by now. “I-I was just…! You don’t have to answer, please don’t-”

“Yuuri,” Viktor stops him, his tone firm but kind. He’s smiling now, a bit of a teasing and encouraging lilt to it. Seeing it makes Yuuri’s rapid heartbeat feel a little less harried, and like he can breathe a bit easier. “It’s alright. I don’t blame you for wondering, and I suppose this _is_ a conversation we ought to have with one another sooner or later. It might as well happen now.” He pauses to sigh a bit, and take a few deep breaths. “I merely wonder if you’ll only be disappointed by what you hear.”

“What?” Yuuri says. “Why would I be?”

“Because I’m afraid my love life has never been quite so glamorous as the media has generally presented it as. Yakov’s Rule alone made dating very difficult, but the truth is that skating was always my first priority at any rate. Before you, I never met anyone I would’ve been willing to risk my career for.”

Yuuri blushes, but can’t help the smile that spreads on his lips at the words. “But you have had others before me?”

“A few, yes,” Viktor admits. “Yakov doesn’t monitor his Rule so heavily during the off-season, likely so that there wouldn’t be cause for mutiny from all his teenaged students, and many of the people he coaches tend to have a summer romance or two. As long as such relationships are kept under wraps, Yakov usually doesn’t care too much about them, but we do have to break those relationships off by the time we start properly training under him again for the next season. He generally also tolerates one-night stands so long as no one, including him, hears of them.”

Yuuri blinks. “I never knew that.”

“Most people don’t. It’s not advertised, mostly because Yakov dislikes anyone even implying he’s not in control at all times. It’s not stated in the actual contract either and Yakov doesn’t talk about it to his students; you usually merely pick it up from your rinkmates and from between the lines.”

Yuuri nods, taking in this new information. “Please, carry on, if you feel up to it.”

Viktor smiles a little at him. “As I was saying, I’ve had two relationships that could perhaps be classified as summer romances, for the lack of a better term. However, when the time came that I had to bring them to their ends, I did so easily because skating was much more important to me than either one of them. Aside from them, there have been two more men that I’ve been with for a night.”

That was four in total. It wasn’t much, like Viktor had said. Yuuri isn’t sure what he expected, if the number he now has is less than he thought or more, even knowing about Yakov’s Rule, but it feels good to know the truth regardless. Like Dr. Honda said, it really does help put things into perspective for him better.

“Thank you for telling me,” Yuuri says softly, hoping it might be enough to convey that this changes nothing about how he feels about Viktor.

Viktor smiles, seeming to understand, even if there is a sad touch to the gesture. He seems to hesitate for a minute, licking his lips, but then continues, “I actually haven’t…I haven’t been with anyone for a few years now, in any capacity. Not since my injury. I was in such a dark place at the time that I couldn’t really bring myself to care enough to meet or get to know anyone new…”

“Oh,” Yuuri breathes. He doesn’t know what to say to that.

Viktor smiles again, this time with slightly less sorrow. “It’s all right, Yuuri. I have you now, that’s all that matters.”

Yuuri smiles a little back at that, even as he can feel his heart-rate accelerating again. He knows there’s no backing out now. Viktor has told him the truth; he needs to do the same for him. “I’m just afraid that…you may not feel that way anymore if you knew.”

Viktor blinks. “If I knew what?”

“That you’re…” Yuuri pauses, swallowing hard. “I mean, that I’ve never…” he trails off, averting his eyes, his cheeks burning.

Viktor is quick to catch on, and when he speaks again, his voice is gentle and soft. “You’re saying I’m your first?”

Yuuri swallows again, his throat dry and his ears burning, but he forces himself to look straight at Viktor’s gentle expression before nodding empathetically.

“Yuuri,” Viktor says, his voice remaining that gentle soothing tone. “It’s alright, don’t worry. Knowing that doesn’t change anything for me, and certainly not the way I feel about you. I’ve had my suspicions, to be honest. And truthfully, I may have a bit more experience than you in some ways, but in many others you’re also my first, Yuuri. I meant it when I said I’ve never cared for anyone the way I care for you, or been so ready to risk everything. You’re my first real relationship, the first one I really cherish.”

Yuuri’s heart feels like it could just about burst from such heartfelt and loving words, all the while making an escape towards his throat, so light and so heavy at the same time. His tongue feels glued to his mouth, and he can’t find the words to say back, to properly express how much it means to him to hear all that. He can barely keep himself upright and functioning when all he wants to do is both laugh and cry from how much he’s feeling.

“Thank you,” he finally manages to say, even if it makes him feel ridiculous and inadequate. “I…I really care for you too, Vitya. I’ve never cared for anyone the way I do for you either. It might not mean the same as when you say it, but…but I still want you to know that.”

Viktor smiles, his mouth taking a heart-like shape, his cheeks pink and his eyes shining. “It means more than you think, Yuuri. I’m really happy.”

Yuuri smiles back at him, and for a while they stay like that, just looking into each other’s eyes through the laptop screens, taking the moment to calm down and feel everything, musing on all that they’ve already said and what still remains to be said.

Eventually, it’s Viktor who breaks the silence, “Was there anything else you wanted to talk about, while the opportunity remains?”

Yuuri can’t help the fact that he jumps a little. But even though his heart is pounding in his ears and his face is starting to heat up again, he knows once more that this is an opening he must take advantage of.  “Yes. There is something else.”

Viktor nods slowly, his brows furrowing a little in what looks like worry, his lips turning down into a strange frown. He looks almost…nervous. “Is it about us sharing a room at Worlds?”

Yuuri gulps. Has he figured it out already? “Yes, kind of.”

“Yuuri, I meant what I said before,” Viktor says. “There is no pressure for us to do anything, even if we share a room and a bed. We can merely sleep and nothing else. We can even put a pillow between the two of us if you-”

“What? No!” Yuuri blurts out, before catching himself and biting his lip. Viktor stares back at him with wide confused eyes. “Th-that’s not…that’s not it. I’m really happy we’ll be sharing a room, and that we’ll get to spend a little more time together.”

“Oh,” Viktor sighs, the corners of his lips slowly starting to turn back up in relief. “What is it that is bothering you then?”

“Well, I, um…” Yuuri mumbles, his heart beginning to hammer in his chest again, his blush beginning to reach all the way up to his ears once more. He tries to find the right words, but again, they seem to be muddling together to the point where he can’t make any sense of them and they start making him feel rather dizzy. This all culminates so that in the end he just ends up blurting out, “When we see each other again, I’d like to take the next step.” He takes in a quick steadying breath, not letting Viktor cut in. “If…if you’re okay with it, I’d like…I’d like for us to try sex. When we see each other.”

Viktor’s mouth drops open, and so do his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything for a while. He just stares, occasionally blinking. It continues to the point that Yuuri starts to break out in cold nervous sweats just before Viktor finally has a reaction in the form of turning a very flattering shade of pink.

“You…you wish for us to have sex?” he says, and it comes out rather breathless. Viktor is still blushing too, but that’s actually kind of comforting for Yuuri to see. It’s proof that he’s not the only one who is a little embarrassed and nervous to be having this conversation, even if he still can’t help but wish he could’ve found a more tactful and better way to say what’s been on his mind.

“Y-yeah…” Yuuri mumbles. “I…I’ve been thinking about it. We don’t get to see each other all that often, and it’ll be a long time after Worlds before we can actually meet again. I want to…I want to have that experience, that memory with me when I can’t see you. I-if…if you’re okay with that, I mean.”

Viktor doesn’t say anything for a moment, again just staring at Yuuri for a long time through the screen, his eyes wide with surprise. Yuuri swallows, trying not to jump to conclusions and maintain his even breathing rhythm.

“Vitya…?” he finally says softly. “If you don’t want to, of course we don’t-”

“I do want to,” Viktor breathes, his already pink face beginning to turn a darker red shade as he covers the lower half of his face with his hand, as if embarrassed by his admittance. It’s rather adorable actually, and even a little sexy in a strange way. It reminds Yuuri again that he’s the only one who can make Viktor look like this, who can wreck his composure like this. “God, Yuuri, you have no idea how much I want to. But just…are you sure?”

Yuuri bites his lip, averting his eyes just a little. “I know I probably won’t be very good at it, but I just…”

“No, Yuuri, no, that’s not what I mean at all!” Viktor hurries to say, before seeming to catch himself and softening both his face and his tone before he continues. “No matter what, I know it’ll be wonderful, because it’ll be with you; because of the bond the two of us already share.” He smiles gently at Yuuri, and Yuuri finds himself smiling back a little. Apparently Viktor has been thinking along the same lines as Dr. Honda, and that, too, is a huge load off Yuuri’s shoulders. Knowing that makes it easier for him to believe he might get through all of this without completely ruining it. “I just don’t want you to throw yourself into doing something you may not truly be ready for. It’s your first time. It should be special.”

Yuuri coughs in slight embarrassment, but squares his shoulders in refusal to back down now. He takes a deep breath to calm himself, keeping in mind that this talk needs to take place. The two of them must be open and honest about this, all of this, if they’re going to have any hope of succeeding as a couple.

“I’m nervous about it, I admit,” he says, thankfully managing to keep his tone steady. “I’m not sure exactly what I should do in that sort of situation. But like I said, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and…I do want it to happen. And I know I don’t want it to happen with anyone but you, Vitya.” He pauses to give Viktor a small smile. “Not to mention, I don’t really want to have to wait all those months until the next time I’m going to get to see you after Worlds either.”

“Yuuri…” Viktor says, and it comes out almost like a sigh or a whisper, his eyes almost liquid blue in their softness as he looks at Yuuri. “If you’re sure, then…I would be most honored to share this experience with you.” Yuuri smiles wider at the words, before taking a huge sigh of relief. The worst part should be over now. His cheeks are still glowing warm and his heart-rate is up from all the nerves, but at least now he can relax a little more, having had this conversation with Viktor.

Viktor smiles back at him, and it brings Yuuri even more at ease. “I’m glad you told me about this, that we’re talking about this.”

“I was really nervous to bring it up,” Yuuri admits, chuckling a little in self-deprecation. “But I knew I had to. That _we_ had to.”

Viktor nods. “It’s alright to be nervous, but if you feel up to it at all right now, we should probably continue talking about it, merely so we can find out what each of us is comfortable with. I truly do want this to be a good experience for you, Yuuri, but in order to do that both of us need to keep being open and honest with each other, about everything. It’ll make all of it go over much smoother, I can promise you.”

“I know. We can – we should – keep talking. I’m fine,” Yuuri says softly. He’s still a little embarrassed to be discussing such private matters so openly with anyone, but if there is anyone he would talk about this with, it should be Viktor. And Viktor’s gentle manner is enough to put him a little more at ease, too. “If…if it’s okay with you, could you tell me a bit about your first time? Just so I have some idea what to expect?”

“Of course,” Viktor nods. “Well, I was 18 at the time, and I’d just won silver at the World Championships. My partner on that occasion was an older skater whom at the time I’d seen quite a bit of in competitions, and whom I had a rather enormous crush on. My crush was rather mixed with much admiration for his skating, but I also fancied him kind and handsome from all our past encounters. He always seemed as though he actually listened to what I had to say, and I liked that about him.” He pauses for a moment, licking his lips in thought. “That particular time, he sought me out at the banquet and we started talking, which wasn’t unusual for us and, well, he eventually asked me if I’d like to go spend some time alone with him. After that, one thing merely led to another. We snuck out, started kissing, and I did like him very much…so I didn’t see a reason not to go for it, so long as we were both discreet about it.”

Yuuri nods, just to have something to do. He’s not sure what to think or feel. It’s not what he imagined for Viktor, but then again, most things he’s learned about him haven’t been what he’s pictured. He’s starting to get used to it.

“Was it…was it good for you?” he asks, a little shyly. “What was it like?”

Viktor shrugs. “I suppose that in general it wasn’t awful. He had a lot more experience than I did at the time, and he was gentle and patient enough with me. Even if it was just for the one night, he was willing to teach me all I needed to know at that moment about how to make sex feel good for everyone involved and in different ways. Physically the experience could almost be called ideal.”

There is a moment’s pause, as Viktor averts his eyes, growing almost unnaturally silent. It’s almost as if he’s looking at something far beyond the horizon, getting lost in his own head and not finding the words or the strength to keep going.

“It’s okay,” Yuuri says softly, so as not to startle Viktor. “You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s alright,” Viktor says, blinking and seeming to lose the glassy look from his eyes. He even manages a small grateful smile, before sighing. “It was just…aside from the physical aspect of it, everything we did and experienced together felt so very…detached. Clinical. Emotionless. I couldn’t help but realize quite quickly that he held no feelings similar to those I had for him at that moment; that for him I was nothing but one person he took to bed out of many. I’d thought him wanting me in this manner would’ve meant something more, if even for the night, only to realize that for him it was just about the pleasure of the body.”

“Oh, Vitya…” Yuuri breathes. “I’m so sorry.”

“It was a long time ago. I was still slightly too idealistic at the time,” Viktor says, but the smile he gives Yuuri is heartbreakingly sad. “I only wish now that I had made smarter choices at the time, and been a little wiser about people’s intentions.”

“Still,” Yuuri insists. “You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”

“Perhaps,” Viktor admits. “But I suppose that is why I want _you_ at least to be certain about what you’re getting yourself into. I want your first time to be different from mine, and much better.”

“It will be,” Yuuri says firmly. “I know it will. I mean, as long as you meant it when you said that you care about me?”

“Of course I mean it,” Viktor says, his voice empathetic, as if daring Yuuri to doubt his words, and Yuuri immediately zooms in on that tone of voice, letting it echo inside his head and storing it up, for the bad days when he needs to remind himself that this is real, that this is happening; when he might doubt Viktor or himself. “I merely don’t wish for you to force yourself to commit any acts you’re not really ready for, just because you think it’ll make me like you more, when I already like you so much.”

“I’m not rushing into it,” Yuuri reassures Viktor, still warmed and emboldened by his words right to his core. “I can’t really say anything else to make you believe me. I just hope you can trust my word on it.” He pauses. “Unless, if _you’re_ not ready. If that’s the case, I’d like for you to tell me, too.”

Viktor flushes lightly at that. “I can’t say I haven’t thought about it, or even hoped for it. It’s merely different to actually know it is a possibility, and to be having a discussion about it, than only imagine it happening one day in my mind.”

“I get that. It’s the same for me,” Yuuri says softly. “And you do know that we don’t have to, if you don’t want to, right?”

“I do, I do want to,” Viktor says. “I just…need a little more time to get properly used to the idea.”

“Well, there is still a lot of time until Worlds, so that’s not a problem.” Yuuri smiles. “And if you still feel like you’re not ready there, all you need to do is just tell me, anytime. I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Viktor says, smiling back. “I could say the same thing in return, actually. If at any time you wish to back down, I will respect that. We’ll just need to keep on communicating with each other about this, before and after.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri says, nodding.

“While we’re on this topic, is there anything else I can do to make all of this easier for you at the moment, before we actually get to see each other again? Is there anything you would want to ask, or talk about? Of course I must warn you that I likely won’t have all the answers either, but I can at the very least try to help or listen to you if you so wish.”

“Well…” Yuuri mumbles, his cheeks beginning to burn a little once more. “I’ve been trying to do research on what exactly…is supposed to happen. But I can’t really find anything that’s not…”

“I understand,” Viktor cuts in, saving Yuuri the embarrassment. “I believe I may still have some sites bookmarked from when I was doing my own research on the matter over the years. I can send the links to you if you so wish?”

“That’d be great. Thanks,” Yuuri says, letting out a sigh mixed with relief and gratitude.

“Just be open with me, Yuuri, about everything,” Viktor says, gently, before his eyes suddenly seem to blaze through the screen and right at Yuuri, heated and wanting. It sends a shiver through Yuuri’s body and a lump in his throat, as arousal begins to course through his body. “You know yourself best at this point, know what you like. All you need to do is tell me, when I want to thoroughly learn everything that makes you feel good.” Viktor licks at his lips again, but this time it comes out as an almost hungry gesture that makes it difficult for Yuuri to breathe for a while, his heart thumping hard in his chest. “And in return, I’ll let you in on what makes me feel good as well.”

“Um…” Yuuri mumbles, more than a little embarrassed. He can feel the way his ears are tingling from the blood in them, his whole body alive and thrumming with how turned on he suddenly is. His pants are beginning to feel uncomfortably tight and hot, and it’s all he can do to not start breathing hard. He swallows, trying to calm himself down, even though he’s fairly certain Viktor can tell what kind of effect he’s having on him. “Can we do that some other time?”

“Of course,” Viktor says, and this time his tone and expression are gentle. Yuuri lets out a small sigh, and gives Viktor a grateful smile. Viktor may occasionally like to tease him, but he always knows when to back off, too, never letting it get so far that Yuuri gets too uncomfortable. It’s such a plain display of his general kindness, and one of the things Yuuri loves most about him. “You can also tell me through texting instead, if you’re more comfortable with that.”

“That might actually be a good idea,” Yuuri says.

The two of them are quiet for a moment, until Viktor breaks the silence by simply asking, “So…how has practice been progressing lately for you?”

They don’t return to talking about sex after that for the rest of the conversation, instead turning to just catching up with each other again and talking about regular things. It’s fun and relaxing and all of it helps Yuuri to forget about his nerves and worries for a while, just basking in the relief that he doesn’t have to ponder over all his worries so much anymore, now that they’ve gotten started with talking about taking the next step. And if all goes well – and at the moment it seems like it will – he’ll indeed get to lose his virginity to the man of all his sexual fantasies and dreams at night, while competing against him at the World Championships.

The thought is enough for Yuuri, who had already been more than a little wound up from his and Viktor’s talk, to decide to indulge slightly longer in the time he has before Phichit comes back to their apartment, once he and Viktor hang up their call. He takes his time for once, remembering Viktor’s suggestions and words, making small mental notes about what actually does feel good for him, what he likes to do to himself when he’s alone like this in a way he has never consciously considered before. It’s heated and gentle at the same time and the orgasm he gets out of it makes him feel loose and relaxed, and a little bit like he’s floating.

Perhaps it’s that high, or the earlier conversation and the comforts and revelations it brought, but Yuuri finds himself taking out his phone soon after, and sending off a text to Viktor.

_From: Me_

_My nipples are really sensitive. It feels good when they’re touched._

He gets a reply soon enough, even though Viktor should be asleep by now. It makes Yuuri wonder what he’s doing, still awake at this late hour in St. Petersburg. He just hopes Viktor is not having trouble sleeping again.

_From: Vitya_

_ill keep that in mind ;D._

_From: Vitya_

_my weak areas are my neck and my ears. i like to have them kissed and touched._

Yuuri blushes, and buries his face in his hands, letting out a whining sound of embarrassment and arousal. If he hadn’t just come he thinks that text alone could’ve made him hard again, reminding him of how in that bathroom in Turin, he’d really wanted to bite and suck on Viktor’s reddened ear and neck. And now with that text he’s unable to stop thinking about how Viktor might’ve responded if he’d done it then.

He groans. It’s going to be a long wait until Worlds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout-out to Caramelcheese for completing her school things for the moment and making this cute Valentine's Day art of my boys [here](http://caramelycheesyarts.tumblr.com/post/170881961587/im-still-very-busy-but-i-couldnt-resist-happy). Please support her art like you support my fic because without her support I wouldn't be able to keep going with this as well as I have :).


	10. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is obviously slightly late due to Things, but I still have a lot of Adult Things(TM) coming up so I probably won't be able to update in two weeks again :P. Regardless, I hope you enjoy what I have so far until then!
> 
> A lot of sugar and spice in this one if you know what I mean ;).

After finally managing to bring up the idea of sex with Viktor and talking to him about it, life settles down for a moment for Yuuri. Well, aside from the fact that he ends up thinking about sex more than he ever really hoped or knew he could. The links Viktor sends him are more than enough to get his imagination going about multiple different ways of giving and receiving pleasure, but added with the rather raunchy text messages the two of them keep exchanging for a while after, Yuuri sometimes is surprised himself that his dick hasn’t fallen off by how much he ends up jerking off in the following few weeks. He pretty much feels like he’s mastered the silent orgasm by now so that Phichit won’t find out.

Aside from that somewhat embarrassing fact, life carries on much the same for Yuuri. He spends the New Year together with Phichit and Celestino, who had invited his two students over to his place to celebrate the occasion. He says it’s because he wants to do something special for them since they weren’t really able to do much for Christmas, with Yuuri’s Nationals getting in the way, but Yuuri has a feeling it’s really so that Celestino doesn’t have to cook his own dinner for the New Year’s. Not that Yuuri really minds in either case. Celestino’s place is much nicer than his and Phichit’s bare apartment, and it also has a bigger and better kitchen, so just being able to cook in it brings an extra flavor of happiness and merriment to the day. Not to mention that spending the day with Phichit and Celestino is miles better than spending it all alone in his room like last year, with just Viktor’s occasional text messages to keep him company, when Celestino went back home to Italy for the remaining holidays following Yuuri’s Nationals.

New Year turns out to be a great occasion. Yuuri and Phichit spend much of the day cooking a lavish meal that Celestino allows them to eat to their content for once, because it’s a holiday. Afterwards, the three of them play a few board games together and watch movies on Celestino’s TV. Phichit naturally photographs and documents all of it and insists Yuuri post a few of the pictures on his own Instagram account as well.

Later in the day, Celestino lets him borrow his computer to Skype his family and wish them a happy New Year as well. As the call connects, Yuuri comes face-to-face with his sister in her usual Yuutopia uniform and general blankly serene expression, and…

“Vicchan!” Yuuri coos, and can immediately feel his heart melt as the poodle barks in that soft way he has, in a response to his voice. He can’t help but touch the screen with longing, wishing he could just jump through the screen and hug his puppy. “How are you? Who’s a good boy?”

“And what am I, chopped liver?” Mari teases, but she’s smiling her familiar mellow smile, so Yuuri knows she isn’t really angry. She even pets Vicchan on her lap a few times to quell any lasting doubts of being jealous of the dog. “Happy New Year, Yuuri.”

“Happy New Year, Mari-neechan,” Yuuri says, returning her smile, even as he feels his chest constrict on the inside. He feels as though until now, when he actually gets to see her face and hear her voice, he hadn’t quite realized how much he’s missed his sister. “Sorry for calling when things are busy.”

“It’s fine, though it would be good for you to call a bit more often,” Mari says, slyly raising a single eyebrow.

“Sorry,” Yuuri says, wincing. He will never understand how Mari can say such punishing things with such a neutral expression on her face. “It’s been hectic.”

“I know, you’ve been busy winning medals. But still,” Mari says. “I would like to think my little brother wouldn’t be one of those famous people who forget where they came from when they make it.”

“I’ll…I’ll try to do better from now on,” Yuuri says, bowing his head a little.

“Is that Yuuri?” comes another familiar voice from somewhere out of frame, but soon enough, Minako-sensei appears next to Mari, who wordlessly moves slightly to make sure they can both be in the shot, Vicchan squeaking a little at the sudden movement in her lap. Minako-sensei is already looking a little flustered and is holding up a glass of sake in hand. “Happy New Year!”

“H-happy New Year, Minako-sensei,” Yuuri says. “I hope you’re well.”

“Oh, stop that, don’t be so formal!” Minako-sensei laughs. As soon as the words escape her mouth, though, her eyes turn diamond sharp and alert as she looks straight at Yuuri through the screen. “But don’t you dare slack off with ballet just because I’m not there! You better not let those American ballet instructors go easy on you!”

“I-I won’t!” Yuuri says. “I’m working hard, I swear.”

“Good,” Minako-sensei nods. “I dig the hair, by the way. It’s very becoming of you.”

Yuuri smiles a little at that, touching the strands of his hair a little almost unconsciously. “Thanks.”

The three of them chat for a little while longer, quickly catching up before Mari has to go back to work and Yuuri back to Phichit and Celestino. Just before they hang up, Mari calls for their parents to join in, and Yuuri almost feels like crying at the sight of so many people he misses and considers family, together in one room when he’s so far away from them. Still, he manages to wish a happy new year to his parents as well, and everyone in Yuutopia wishes him well before they finally hang up.

Afterwards, Yuuri excuses himself to the bathroom for a while to gather himself. He doesn’t cry this time, but it’s a very near thing. It never seems to get easier being away from the people he cares about, being away from home. Phichit likely notices because he makes sure to stick close to Yuuri and appears to have decided to make Yuuri laugh as much as he can for the rest of the night. It does help improve Yuuri’s mood, and he’s more grateful than ever for his friend.

As is perhaps to be expected by now, Viktor also texts him for the occasion, and that helps as well, just a little, even if he’s also another person for Yuuri to miss.

_From: Vitya_

_happy new year!_

_From: Me_

_Happy New Year :)._

_From: Vitya_

_ive been following ur day on insta. looks like u r havin fun <3\. _

_From: Me_

_Yeah, it’s pretty nice. Are you doing anything today?_

_From: Vitya_

_just hanging around w/ makkachin and reading a little._

_From: Vitya_

_[image]_

_From: Me_

_Cute! <3\. I hope you have a good day no matter what. _

_From: Vitya_

_thank you <3\. _

Yuuri and Phichit end up staying the night at Celestino’s too, watching the countdown to the change of the year, and talking long into the night about anything and everything from their twin beds in their shared guest room. The conversation even goes to slightly weird territories as they get more and more high on the lack of sleep, and Phichit ends up wondering if there is ice skating in outer space, very seriously and out loud. It’s enough for even Yuuri to allow himself to be a little more vulnerable in the darkness.

“I miss home so much sometimes,” he says softly to the ceiling. “But it’s been easier since you came here, Phichit.”

Phichit doesn’t answer for a while, and when he does, it’s only with a quiet, “Same.”

…

**y-katsuki**

[image] [image] [image]

❤ 1,192 likes

 **y-katsuki**  Spending the New Year with @phichit+chu and #CoachCelestino. Happy New Year!

View all 74 comments 

 **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** happy new year, yuuri-chan! May it bring you happiness and success and many medals!

 **hopesonblades** Aww, you guys are so cute! Happy New Year!

 **phichit+chu** Happy New Year right back to my best roommate and friend, and here’s to many more!

 **v-nikiforov** Happy New Year, Yuuri. I hope it’s an amazing one :).

 **yuurisnose** Happy new year!

 **iceicelady** You guys look really happy! Have a wonderful new year @y-katsuki!

 **mari.katsuki** happy new year yuu-chan, from all of us. call more, okay?

 **minako-okukawa** my bby is so gorwn up now! hpapy new yaer

 **icecastlemadonna** Happy New Year Yuuri-kun! I’ll be cheering you on this year too! Keep doing your best! Takeshi and the girls send their good wishes too :).

5 hours ago

…

Yuuri and Phichit have a few more days off from intensive training after New Year’s, and they spend the most of it sleeping in and watching movies, but Phichit also goes out once or twice so Yuuri can Skype Viktor in peace. In return, Yuuri goes for a few solo ballet sessions so Phichit can Skype his own family in private as well.

One of those days, Yuuri comes back sweaty and blissfully relaxed, but longing for a shower, and finds Phichit laying down on their couch doing something with his phone. This itself isn’t all that unusual, but somehow, Yuuri can tell something is a little out of the ordinary. Phichit seems…tired somehow, in the lines of his shoulders and the way his eyes seem almost blank, rather than the usual eager manic that comes with Phichit browsing social media.

“Oh, hey,” Phichit says, looking at Yuuri from over his phone as he moves to take off his shoes. “How was ballet training?”

“It was good,” Yuuri says, licking his lips in thought. He’s not sure if Phichit wants to talk about whatever it is that is bothering him or not, so he decides to tread carefully for now. “How was the talk with your family?”

“Oh, it was fine,” Phichit says, waving his arm dismissively. Yuuri supposes that’s a no on wanting to talk about it then, though he can pretty much guess what’s going on anyway. After all, he knows just as well how difficult it is to not only be so far away from home, but from the people he loves as well. “More importantly, Mike sent out an invitation to a party he’s throwing this weekend.”

“Who?” Yuuri asks, sitting down at Phichit’s feet on their couch.

“One of the hockey players from our rink,” Phichit says, already used to Yuuri not knowing most of the people they share the ice with. “Wanna go?”

Yuuri’s just about to say no, the memory of his last house party still more than vivid in his mind, and not for very nice reasons, but then he catches himself. Hadn’t he promised himself he would try to do something nice with Phichit that Phichit got to choose? And if Phichit is asking him, he has probably already decided he wants to go himself. Yuuri should probably accompany him just so he can keep his young friend out of too much trouble, and make sure everyone at the party knows Phichit is still only 16 going on 17 and won’t try anything untoward. Besides, hasn’t Yuuri been working towards stepping out of his comfort zone a little more and trying new things? This would probably count as such an act, right?

So, he forces on a smile and says, “Sure.”

It’s immediately worth it when he sees the way Phichit’s whole face lights up, almost like the sun has appeared, as he sits up to properly face Yuuri. “Really?!” He screeches, before leaping over to give Yuuri a hug. “Oh, Yuuri, we’re gonna have so much fun! I’ll even help you do your hair and put on make-up! It’ll be great!”

Yuuri hugs him back, and desperately hopes for the same.

Thankfully, when the night in question comes around, Yuuri quickly finds it’s nothing like the party he went to before. He and Phichit pick out their outfits together, and Phichit indeed helps him with his make-up and styles his hair into a neat side-braid. Yuuri manages to talk Phichit out of wearing a sparkly sleeveless top because it’s still freezing outside, and Phichit manages to get him to put on just a little bit of lip gloss.

When Yuuri looks at himself in the mirror in his full ensemble, he has to admit Phichit does know what he’s doing when it comes to the aesthetics. His eyes seem to almost pop out of his head, even with his glasses on, and the red hues usually hidden in them are somehow highlighted, as are his cheekbones. The lip gloss even manages to make him look a little sensual, with the braid adding a gentle youthful touch as well. Phichit himself looks slightly older with more make-up on as well, though it’s not as stark because he likes to wear at least a little day-to-day, and his chosen clothes bring out his preppy personality well. They take a selfie, of course, before heading on their way to the actual party.

Even after they reach the house where the get-together is being held, Phichit and Yuuri stick together for the most part, which Yuuri is grateful for. The party itself smells far too much like cheap alcohol and sweat, and generally there are too many people and too much loud music, but at least Yuuri gets some dancing out of it this time, with Phichit’s encouragement. Yuuri feels a little less self-conscious dancing in front of this many people when someone else is doing it with him, and it’s actually quite fun in its rather uncoordinated silliness, and he ends up laughing a lot. But Yuuri still avoids the drinks because even now he can taste the vile liquor from the last party in his mouth, and because it seems fairer that way as he’s also forbidding Phichit from drinking.

Yuuri’s not quite sure how much time passes just having fun like this, but it all comes to a rather abrupt end when a very tall and huge guy comes over to them, so suddenly that it makes Yuuri jump a little. He thinks he may have seen the guy around the rink once or twice and makes the conclusion that this is probably tonight’s host. Or one of them anyway.

“Hey, Peach!” the guy most likely known as Mike says with a huge grin down at Phichit, who barely reaches up to his chest, and the two of them clasp hands like two guy friends in an American sitcom. “Awesome you could make it! Listen, Annie and Rob and everyone is looking for you, so why don’t you let me take you to them?”

“I don’t know Mike,” Phichit says, and he really sounds like he’s hesitating, glancing over at Yuuri. “I’m kind of with a friend here.”

“So, he can come too!”

“No, you go along,” Yuuri says, turning to his friend before Phichit can ask. “I’ll just go get something to eat in the meantime.”

“You sure?” Phichit asks, raising a single eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Yuuri says, and hopes he sounds convincing. Phichit should be allowed to spend time with whoever he wants here, but Yuuri doesn’t particularly feel like being an extra wheel in a conversation where he barely knows anyone, and no one will really care to listen to anything he has to say. “But don’t drink, I’ll know if you do.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Phichit says, but apparently that’s all the agreement and conversation Mike has patience for, because he grabs onto Phichit’s wrist and pretty much starts dragging him along.

“I’ll be right back!” Phichit calls over his shoulder at Yuuri, but he’s grinning so Yuuri knows he doesn’t mind being pulled on his way.

“Take your time,” Yuuri says, hoping Phichit can hear him over all the noise. “I’ll just…wait here then.”

Yuuri really tries to make being alone at a party work. He gets something to eat as promised, but most of it is, unsurprisingly, junk food and definitely not diet approved. Yuuri also knows himself well enough that left alone like this, he will eat his weight in chips if he sticks by the snack table. Instead, he does his best to find himself a quiet corner close to where Phichit left him, and ends up scrolling through the Internet for a while to amuse himself. He gets bored with that fairly quickly though, since there is nothing interesting going on at the moment, so just in order to have someone to talk to, some human interaction at this party, he taps over to his text message conversation with Viktor.

_From: Me_

_I’m kind of bored at this party. I wish I could leave already but I don’t think Phichit is ready to go yet and I don’t want to leave him alone._

_From: Vitya_

_im sorry :(._

_From: Vitya_

_u sure u cant just leave?_

_From: Me_

_I don’t trust the people here, and I don’t want to be held responsible if Phichit drinks._

_From: Vitya_

_well, i kno phichit is young, but isnt it his choice whether he drinks or not? he can make his own decisions._

_From: Me_

_Yeah, but…he’s just a kid. I came here to look after him._

_From: Vitya_

_u r not tho. a kid that is._

_From: Vitya_

_so mayb try drinkin a lil?_

_From: Vitya_

_it might loosen u up some._

Perhaps it’s because it comes as a piece of advice from Viktor, or because Yuuri is getting lonely and depressed just sitting in the corner waiting for his friend to come back while everyone else around him is having fun. But the key to the fun appears to be alcohol, so he, without thinking about it much further, turns off his phone, stands up and heads over to the drinks table. He grabs a red plastic cup and pours himself some of the strange-colored liquor from the punch bowl before knocking it back. He does his best to drink as fast as he can so he doesn’t have to taste anything, and is quick to pour himself another cup when he finishes the first one. If he can’t eat, at least he can drink, and to his great joy, after the first few cups, he slowly begins to stop caring so much about the taste. He actually stops caring about anything quite as much as before, including the noise and the smell of this house, the fact Phichit apparently ditched him, and that his boyfriend is on an entirely different continent. In the place of caring, a strange and new warm haze begins to take over. Deciding he likes that feeling more than the old sorrowful awareness, Yuuri pours himself yet another cup.

Everything starts to grow blurry after that. Yuuri thinks he registers more loud music, more sweaty bodies and kicking his legs up as if in a dance at some point, but when he finally wakens to a proper awareness, it all feels like a half-forgotten dream that he’s not even sure was real. What feels very real, however, is that Yuuri has apparently ended up back in his own bed still in yesterday’s clothes, his head pounding like there is a sledgehammer stuck inside of it, and his mouth is dry and tastes foul. And, most prominently of all, he realizes he’s less than a minute away from throwing up.

Yuuri manages to make it to the bathroom just in time to release the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl. He feels slightly better afterwards, though his mouth tastes even worse now and he’s vaguely dizzy and weak-kneed enough to not hurry about getting up from the floor. Indeed, he’s still sitting by the toilet when he hears someone creak the bathroom door open and step inside.

“Hey,” Yuuri hears Phichit’s voice say, and opens his eyes just enough to see his friend crouch down by his side to rub his back with his warm, comforting hands. “You okay? That was a pretty wild night, huh?”

“Wh…” Yuuri pauses for a moment to try and estimate if talking will only make him hurl again. After a few ticks, he comes to the conclusion he doesn’t have anything more in his stomach to throw up, and continues, “What happened?”

As Yuuri turns to properly look at Phichit’s face, which is still as bright and cheerful as ever, and therefore spelling out that its owner is unlikely to be suffering from a hangover, his roommate blinks in surprise a few times. “You don’t remember?”

“I remember drinking by the table,” Yuuri mumbles as Phichit promptly gets up to fill him a glass of water from their bathroom sink. “Loud music, some people…the rest of it is just a blur.”

“Holy shit,” Phichit says as Yuuri accepts the glass Phichit is holding out for him, and uses the water to first rinse his mouth before drinking the rest of it greedily. “You’re a blackout drunk.” Phichit takes the offered empty glass from Yuuri and goes to fill it again.

“What happened?” Yuuri says again, taking the newly filled glass and drinking half of it in one go. “And you didn’t drink after I started, did you?”

“No, I was too busy with other things,” Phichit says, shrugging and smiling a bit sheepishly. “Too busy watching you, actually.”

This time, it’s Yuuri’s turn to blink. “Why? What did I do?”

“Well…you kinda started asking a lot of people to dance and then taking your clothes off once you started getting warm from all the exercise.”

“ _What?!_ ”

“You musta danced with like a dozen people or something,” Phichit says, taking out his phone from his pants pocket and tapping on the screen a few times. “I took pictures. Here, look.”

Yuuri takes the phone in hand is shocked to see that, indeed, there are a ton of new photos on Phichit’s Instagram, all of them tagged with Yuuri, and all of them documenting a night that Yuuri has no clear memory of, but that seems to have unleashed some sort of side of him that he never even realized existed. Just like Phichit said, he’s dancing with several people in the pictures, both men and women, in varying states of undress. Sweat and a red drunk flush cover his face in most of the photos, and Yuuri starts sweating under his collar more and more with each picture he sees. Although he’s also slightly proud of how coordinated and graceful he still appears in his dancing, even as drunk as he must’ve been.

“Oh my God,” he groans, covering his face with his hands. “I got my Dad’s drinking genes.”

“Wow, your Dad gets like that too? He must be a joy to have at parties!”

“Phichit, this isn’t funny!” Yuuri says, some of his anger and frustration at the situation and himself slipping into his tone. “I’ve completely humiliated myself in front of everyone!”

“Honestly, I don’t think anyone sees it that way,” Phichit says. “When we were leaving, everyone was saying to me how I need to bring you around again and how much fun you were. And I got like 20 phone numbers to hold onto for you, not that you’d probably want them since you have Viktor and all. And Yuuri, these kinds of things happen at parties in general; people get drunk and dance and do goofy things. I doubt anyone holds it against you. They probably just think you were a blast!”

“Well, that’s not the reputation I want to have,” Yuuri groans. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t intend to drink so much.”

“Then why did you?” Phichit asks, sounding genuinely confused. Yuuri can’t bring himself to answer, just biting down on his lip and remaining silent. “Yuuri, why did you?”

“Because I had nothing better to do, and I wanted to loosen up,” Yuuri says, and it comes out more snappish than he meant. Phichit winces. “Sorry.” Yuuri sighs, smoothing his bangs off his face a little and trying to calm some of his remaining headache. “It’s just…you were hanging out with your other friends and I didn’t feel comfortable leaving you alone at the party, even though I already wanted to leave, and…”

“I wouldn’t have minded if you had told me you wanted to go. And you could’ve asked some of my other friends to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid,” Phichit says. “Why did you even agree to come with me if you didn’t want to go?”

“Well, the first half of the party was pretty fun,” Yuuri admits, managing a half-smile. “But I really went because I wanted to do something nice for you, to do something with you that you’d like. You’ve been so good about me and Viktor and everything, I wanted to try and make it up to you…”

“Oh, Yuuri,” Phichit sighs, placing a warm hand on Yuuri’s shoulder. “You didn’t need to make it up to me. That’s just what friends _do_. They’re there for each other and support each other. And if you just wanted to do something with me, we could’ve picked an activity we could both enjoy. You didn’t have to force yourself to go to a party just for me.” He pauses. “And I shouldn’t have left you on your own. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking, and then I lost the track of time while I was talking to the others.”

Yuuri manages another small smile. “It’s okay. I could’ve tried to say something, or find you later on my own, and it was my decision to drink so much. I’ll try to do better next time.”

“And I will, too,” Phichit says, smiling, before grabbing onto Yuuri’s arm and dragging him up off the floor. “Come on, let’s get you back to bed. I’ll get you something to eat and some aspirin, and then you can sleep a little more to get rid of your hangover.”

And that’s pretty much exactly what Yuuri ends up doing for the rest of the day after changing into his pajamas. Phichit is kind enough to bring him food and wake him up to eat and drink at regular intervals, but Yuuri spends most of the day in bed, hydrating and sleeping. It’s not until later in the afternoon that he even thinks of turning his phone back on, and realizes that aside from notifications from Phichit’s posts on Instagram, there are several missed messages from Viktor, a few from Mari and Yuuko, and a number of calls from Celestino. Yuuri groans, burying his face in his pillow as he realizes that they must’ve seen everything Phichit has posted, since Phichit’s Instagram is public and they all follow him.

His first instinct is to ignore all of them, to pretend like this isn’t happening and to just disappear into his room forever. But he knows by now that that’s a bad coping mechanism, it won’t work forever and it’s also not something he can keep doing if he ever wants to grow as a person. Not to mention that Yuuri is going to have to see and face Celestino in a few days when he and Phichit start proper training again, and he can’t go to the rink pretending that nothing has happened when Celestino is likely going to bring it up anyway. It’s best to just get it over and done with; to rip off the band aid. Besides, Yuuri once promised Viktor that he would answer his messages sooner or later, and not just ignore him, and he needs to keep doing that if the two of them are going to survive. So Yuuri just needs to suck it up, face up to what he’s done, and remind himself that embarrassed as he is, all these people care about him and are probably just worried about how he’s doing.

So, as shamefaced as he is, he taps into the messages from Viktor.

_From: Vitya_

_remember that the drinks can be rather strong tho. pace urself!_

Yuuri snorts a little, but it quickly turns into another groan when he sees that Viktor sent that message right after the ones where he encouraged him to have a few drinks, just after Yuuri turned off his phone. He knows he has no one to blame but himself for his actions but still, if he’d just waited a little longer to see that message, maybe he would’ve remembered to be a little more careful at least.

There is nothing to be done about it now, though, so Yuuri keeps reading the messages that came after that one.

_From: Vitya_

_r u havin any better time?_

_From: Vitya_

_i hope the drinks dont taste too horrible._

_From: Vitya_

_yuuri? r u ok?_

_From: Vitya_

_yuuri ive been followin phichits insta. pls get back to me. i just want to make sure u r fine._

_From: Vitya_

_im sorry i told you to drink. that obviously wasnt very smart of me._

_From: Vitya_

_still i must say: nice moves!_

_From: Vitya_

_yuuri? can u answer me?_

_From: Vitya_

_r u hungover? remember to drink water!_

Coming to the end of the messages, Yuuri takes a deep breath and begins to type as fast as he can, wanting to get this over and done with.

_From: Me_

_Sorry. I drank way too much and then blacked out. I’ve been sleeping for most of the day, hungover._

_From: Me_

_I’m also sorry you had to see me in that kind of a state. I didn’t know that would happen._

_From: Me_

_I didn’t mean to drink so much._

Viktor’s reply is prompt, and Yuuri makes himself look at what he writes now, too.

_From: Vitya_

_im jus glad u r ok._

_From: Vitya_

_and u hav nothin to be sorry for. i was just a lil surprised :O. ive never seen you like that!_

_From: Me_

_No one has. I’ve never gotten that drunk before._

_From: Me_

_I’m pretty embarrassed honestly._

_From: Vitya_

_u dont have to be. u looked wonderful. it was nice seeing u so happy :)._

_From: Me_

_Still. I’ll try not to drink that much in the future. Or at all._

_From: Vitya_

_thats understandable. the hangovers alone make it pretty much not worth it :P._

Yuuri chuckles a little, before tapping into the messages from Mari and Yuuko. That will have to be enough explanations for today. He’s still not feeling well enough to listen to what he’s pretty sure will be a lecture from Celestino if he calls him back today.

_From: Mari-neechan_

_Well well well. Looks like you take after Dad._

_From: Mari-neechan_

_Did you have fun? Did you make it back safe?_

_From: Me_

_I’m okay. I’ll try not to drink so much in the future._

_From: Yuu-chan_

_Wow, Yuuri! I knew you could dance, but not like that!_

_From: Yuu-chan_

_Looks like America is doing you some good :). I hope you had a good time!_

_From: Me_

_Sorry you had to see that._

_From: Me_

_I honestly don’t remember much about it though :P. I kind of blacked out._

Yuuri releases a breath, and lies back down on the bed, letting his phone fall to the mattress from his hand. He’s done what he’s capable of to better himself today. For now, he decides to just go back to sleep again.

Still, as soon as he’s had breakfast the next morning, he keeps to his word and calls Celestino. Phichit sticks by him so he doesn’t try to procrastinate on it and for moral support, which Yuuri ends up needing because as expected, the call pretty much becomes one long lecture on Celestino’s part and a lot of embarrassment and guilt being brought back up on Yuuri’s.

“I thought you were better than this, Yuuri,” Celestino says at the end of many words Yuuri has blocked out. “I get that you’re an adult and a student, and you should be allowed to make your own decisions, but you must keep in mind that you’re also a public figure. People see this kind of thing, and it can affect their opinion of you. Not just fans, but sponsors as well. So please, think next time before you do something like this.”

“Yes, coach,” Yuuri says, keeping his tone even, even as both guilt and frustration burn at the back of his throat. The Nationals and the way Celestino got drunk there are still fresh in his mind, and the hypocrisy is difficult for him to swallow. Not to mention that this is the very first time Yuuri has ever done something like this. He works so hard at everything he does, and by all accounts he could consider himself pretty much the perfect skating student, aside from things he can’t help like his anxiety. Can’t he be excused for one little mistake this once? Doesn’t the fact he’s never made one before count for something?

“Ciao Ciao, don’t be so hard on him!” Phichit cuts in. “It was my fault too! I shouldn’t have dragged him to that party in the first place and-”

“Yuuri is the adult here, Phichit,” Celestino says. “You had no business being there in the first place, as I’ve already made very clear, but Yuuri’s responsible for his own actions as the adult. You don’t need to defend him.”

Still, Yuuri manages a bit of a miserable smile in his friend’s direction. He’s grateful for the effort, even if it’s not doing anything. Celestino keeps the lecture up for a while longer, and Yuuri does his best to just take it and not make it escalate any further. He just wants to get past this and if doing that requires Celestino talking his head off, he’ll resign to his fate and hope they can put it behind them after that, even as the urge to defend himself burns in the pit of his stomach.

But Yuuri bites his tongue and manages to keep his mouth shut, and it all eventually winds down with Celestino finally seeming to have said all he had to say, and finishes the call with a quick, “I’ll see you both at the rink the day after tomorrow.”

Yuuri sets his overheated phone down on the table with a deep sigh, leaning back in his seat and letting his neck relax to the point that he’s gazing up at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry,” Phichit says after a moment’s silence. “This is my fault. If I hadn’t posted those pictures online…”

“Just…” Yuuri cuts in, because he’s too tired to deal with that conversation right now. He just hopes all of this might teach Phichit a little something about broadcasting everything that goes on in his life online. “Just remind me about all this the next time I feel like drinking is a good idea.”

“Deal.”

…

**phichit+chu**

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❤ 4,382 likes

 **phichit+chu**  Oh my ;). @y-katsuki sure can move!

View all 593 comments 

 **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** holy shit.

 **yuurisblue** I would like to thank not not God but also Jesus #blessed.

 **knifeshoes** Whoa, holy crap. I’ve always thought Yuuri was cute, but this…this is some hotass shit.

 **shutup &dance **yuuri sure can dance! not just ballet either but I see a lot of different styles mixed up in there :p.

 **yuurisnose** he looks so happy too! he’s hot AND cute! #getyouamanwhocandoboth

 **glasshearts** Should you be posting this @phichit+chu?

            **yuurisblue** Shhh, don’t ruin it for us.

 **v-nikiforov** Is he ok? I’ve never seen him this drunk. Tell him his dancing is amazing though!

            **quadflipped** omgomgomgomgomgomgomg @v-nikiforov @knifeshoes

            **knifeshoes** #Victuuri is alive and real as always I see :P.

 **vityaswoman** lol just goes off to show the lack of professionalism on katsukis part. what a loser.

            **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** alright thats it. listen up bitch. yuuri-chan is a 20-year-old college student living on his own, and hes been doing really well this season in skating. why shouldn’t he be allowed to have some fun once in a while? we fans dont own these people and they dont owe anything to us either. i know u feel entitled to ur precious viktor but dont go badmouthing other diligent skaters who do their best and deserve a break once in a while too.

 **iceicelady** I must say, that layback is worthy of an Ina Bauer <3.

2 days ago

…

Thankfully, Yuuri’s strategy of not engaging with Celestino’s lecture in order to leave the whole matter in the past seems to have worked, because he and Phichit return to their training, things seem to return to normal for a while and no one mentions the drinking incident again. Phichit and Yuuri both simply fully focus on training for Four Continents and so their lives settle back into the routine of skating, off-ice training and dancing, mixed with the return of schoolwork as classes start again.

In-between it all, Yuuri does his best to leave room for Viktor too, once in a while. Viktor keeps sending him skating advice, but now he sometimes also asks Yuuri to critique his own skating. Yuuri does his best, though he still thinks it can’t possibly be as valuable to Viktor as Viktor’s advice is for him. The two of them have put a pause on the sexy talk for a while, since they’ve pretty much set in stone the plans for what is going to happen, so long as they both still feel up to it when they meet. They’ve agreed mutually that Viktor will be bringing along everything they need, since he knows more about different labels and types and actually has a concrete idea of all the supplies that are required. He’s also not as nervous or embarrassed as Yuuri to be seen buying things like lube. They’ve discussed their likes and dislikes as much as has been possible for them under the circumstances, and it’s just about at the point for Yuuri where he is as ready as he’ll ever be to actually go through with all of it. Besides, he would rather not talk about it anymore, because he doesn’t think he could’ve taken much more sexual frustration in the months leading up to Worlds.

The distance is getting to him in general, and he knows it’s getting to Viktor too, especially since they haven’t even been able to Skype very much of late. It’s like an ache festering deep within Yuuri’s gut, that he’s able to sometimes forget in the business of his everyday life and when he gets to drill it into the ice with his skates, but that always comes back to haunt him sooner or later. Usually at night, where he has to struggle not to be crushed by how much he misses Viktor and being close to him.

Yuuri blames the distance for when he ends up buying rather expensive quality chocolates a few weeks before Valentine’s Day for Viktor and shipping them over to him as a surprise, with a letter explaining the custom and what it means in Japan. Even after paying the nightmarish shipping costs to Russia at the post office, he can’t bring himself to regret this action because it leaves him feeling warm and well, finally easing at least some of the longing he feels for his boyfriend. Yuuri actually feels a little like skipping with giddiness as he leaves the post office. He always dreamed of being able to give Viktor Valentine’s Chocolates in his years of having a youthful crush on him, and now he’s actually done it. It’s moments like this that make the fact that Viktor is now a part of his life, seem so surreal, even now.

It becomes even more worth it when a few days before actual Valentine’s, Yuuri gets a text.

_From: Vitya_

_Yuuurriiii!_

_From: Vitya_

_i cant believe u sent me chocolates for valentines! thats so romantic! <3 <3 <3\. _

_From: Vitya_

_but how dare u tempt me with candy in the middle of the season? :P_

_From: Me_

_Sorry._

_From: Vitya_

_im still going to eat them tho, im still going to eat them._

_From: Vitya_

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_From: Vitya_

_i really miss u. i wish we could be together on valentines._

_From: Me_

_Me too. I hate that we can’t even skype then._

_From: Vitya_

_it cant be helped, since u cant skype on ur flight._

_From: Vitya_

_dont think i wont have something for u for white day tho._

_From: Me_

_Knowing you, I wouldn’t expect anything else :)._

Yuuri indeed spends most of Valentine’s Day on a plane with Celestino and Phichit to the Four Continents in South Korea, but at least there’s a text from Viktor greeting him on his phone when he lands, exhausted to the bone. Still, even with how much he misses Viktor, the competition ends up going quite well for Yuuri. Perhaps it’s because Phichit is there with him, perhaps it’s because Yuuri’s been doing so well all season and is still riding on that high, or perhaps it’s because he has Viktor’s encouraging words ringing in his ears, but Yuuri for once manages to almost breeze through the Four Continents without much worry about his scores or about anything else. He manages to just have fun out on the ice, pouring his emotions, his feelings of worth, into it to their fullest, and when he’s off the ice he can still find the opportunity to enjoy himself with his friend.

Yuuri goes to see the sights with Phichit, not too unlike the way he does so with Viktor, and they too, take several pictures together to commemorate the occasion. As Phichit points out to him, it’s a good way for them to control and shape the story to their advantage, showing to the world that Viktor isn’t the only person Yuuri does this sort of thing with. It will hopefully muddle the waters around any possible gossip that is arising about Yuuri and Viktor and the nature of their relationship, when only Yuuri really knows how different it is to spend that time with Viktor than it is with Phichit, being the only one who can feel and experience it.

In the end, Yuuri wins the gold medal of the Four Continents, the first one he’s gotten at that particular competition, and Phichit comes in a very respectable fifth. Despite his best efforts not to, Yuuri cries on the podium, Phichit calls everyone he knows at the competition for a bunch of selfies afterwards, and Yuuri and Phichit dance together in a playful, laughing waltz at the banquet. All in all, it’s a wonderful competition, but Yuuri still can’t help but think how much better it would’ve been if only Viktor had been able to be there with him. Unfortunately, he has to content himself with his congratulatory messages.

…

Phichit Chulanont @phichit+chu · 1 h 30 m

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No medal for me this time at #FourContinents, but gold for my #bestfriend @y-katsuki! Congrats and I’ll get you next time! ;).

 

Phichit Chulanont @phichit+chu · 1 h 28 m

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Pics from the banquet too ;) #FourContinents #katsukiyuuri.

 

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 1 h 20 m

waaah, im so proud of yuuri-chan! i cant wait to see him at worlds! #FourContinents #GoldForKatsuki #yuurikatsuki

 

Yuuri’s Blue @blueisthenewblack· 1 h 18 m

I know, he’s come such a long way already, and there’s still so much he can do in the future!

 

Hamsters on Ice @hamsterskates · 1 h 14 m

5th place is also really good @phichit+chu! I know you’ll keep on growing! Tell @y-katsuki congratulations! #FourContinents

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 1 h 10 m

This is the most fun I’ve had watching #FourContinents! Yuuri definitely deserved his win! I’m definitely becoming a stan ^^;. #yuurikatsuki

 

Surprise Show @surprisesforme · 59 m

yea i gotta say i needta eat mah wors here. having katsuki aroun has def made thangs moar interestin. lookin forward to worls now!

 

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 54 m

I dunno, it’s not really as interesting when it’s not Viktor and Yuuri facing off :/.

 

Skate Laces @lacay · 50 m

yea, well, some of us actually like to watch fs for the sport and not the supposed shipping @quadflipped :/. #FourContinents

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 48 m

Hey, don’t @ my girl @quadflipped, @lacay!

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 46 m

katsuki was jus plain borin as usual. i think cao bin shoulda won, he was much more worthy. #FourContinents #katsukiyuuri

 

Cao’s TrashBin @caobintrash · 43 m

agreed @vityaswoman! i mean, it was bad enough that i had to watch nikiforov take away cao-baby’s gold every.single.time, but nao this lil bitch too?

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 40 m

i will fight u in the parkin lot of wendys if u say anythin bad abt vitya ever again @caobintrash. his wins are just unlike katsukis.

 

Skater Hearts @glasshearts · 34 m

I’m so happy for Yuuri, and I can’t wait to see him and Viktor face-off again at Worlds! Based on his performance here, it’ll be epic!

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 30 m

I have a feeling the competition won’t be the only epic thing between them ;) ;). #Victuuri

 

Quad Flipper @quadflipped · 28 m

Come chat with me @knifeshoes, I have fic ideas for you to look at!

 

Bros 4fore Hoes @broman · 23 m

don’t the banquet pics just prove v&y r just bros tho? y does the same thing with p! #FourContinents #bestbffs

…

It comes almost as a relief that upon returning to Detroit again, Yuuri can wrap himself in training and thereby ignore how much he misses Viktor and just about everything else other than skating, through the sheer lack of time and strength to do so. Viktor is the same way, both of them determined to bring their best show for Worlds as the returning medalists from last year. For a while they don’t talk about much else besides skating, critiquing each other’s programs and doing their best to help one another grow. It doesn’t make all of the longing disappear, but it helps Yuuri grow more and more determined to work hard and do his best. He wants another medal from Worlds, and one that is hopefully of an even higher value than the bronze he already has. For the first time possibly ever, he feels like he actually might even have a shot at that now.

Another good thing about constantly working hard is the fact that time passes by very fast, almost before you can even notice it has gone, and before Yuuri even fully realizes it, it’s time for him and Celestino to leave for Gothenburg, Sweden for Worlds. Phichit comes to see them off at the airport, hugging Yuuri tight as a goodbye and telling him to “break a leg and bring home a medal!” Yuuri doesn’t promise anything out loud, not wanting to jinx it, but he squeezes his friend back just as tight. He’ll bring Phichit’s faith with him to give him strength, too.

It’s only once he and Celestino are already on the plane that everything that is about to happen finally seems to hit Yuuri. He’s not only about to compete in the World Championships, but he’s also going to be sharing a room with Viktor, his boyfriend to whom he’s very likely going to lose his virginity _during_ the competition, and his feelings are suddenly very mixed. He’s happier and more excited than he can say about the fact he’s so close to seeing Viktor again and having this experience with him, but he’s also suddenly very nervous again to the point of clammy hands, a thumping heart in his chest and butterflies in his stomach through most of the plane ride. Yuuri can’t even distract himself or pass the time through sleeping, because every time he closes his eyes he ends up seeing Viktor, and the cycle of excited nerves starts all over again.

In the end, Yuuri just settles for watching movies and shows on his personal TV in the back of the seat in front of him, while Celestino snores beside him. Yuuri and Celestino will be arriving a few days early for the competition, so that they can properly adjust to the time difference and so that Yuuri can get used to the feeling of the rink the competition will be held at beforehand. He’ll be able to sleep when they arrive, and being tired then might actually help him set his internal clock to Sweden time sooner, if he can manage to stay awake long enough.

Once he and Celestino finally arrive in Gothenburg and make their way to their hotel, Yuuri’s finally too exhausted to not give into sleep even with the remaining nerves, and promptly falls into bed and takes a three hour nap. Since Viktor isn’t arriving until a few days later, closer to the competition, Yuuri still needs to stay with his coach until then. He’d made the excuse that the room he got for himself won’t be available until a little later and Celestino had accepted it well enough.

The rest of their arrival day has been reserved for recovering from the journey, and they aren’t going to be doing any training on that day. Therefore, after his nap Yuuri keeps busy and distracted by doing some research on what there is to see in Gothenburg, and going for a walk in the brisk air that has yet to turn more spring-like this far in the north, in order to keep awake, before finally going to sleep early after a healthy but hearty dinner. The next few days are much less forgiving though, spent mostly at the rink for last minute training, but Yuuri doesn’t mind. Training is the best way for him to keep focused on the competition and not wonder and worry about things he can’t really do anything about at the moment.

And then, on the third day after their arrival, Yuuri packs up what few things he has had laying around in his and Celestino’s room, and checks himself into the room Viktor had booked first for himself and that the two of them will now be sharing.

When Yuuri opens the door to said room, he can’t help but immediately sweat a little under the collar at just the thought of how much it might cost to rent. Viktor tends to only get the best of the best after all, be it clothes, skates or places where he stays during competitions. The room he’s booked is spacious and open, with light hardwood floors and tall windows that cover the entirety of one wall in the room, giving a magnificent view over the whole city below since the room is on the upper floors. The whole space is expansive, consisting of several different areas such as the bedroom and the living room, almost like an apartment. The furniture is modern, mostly in shades of light green and grey, the bedcovers in the same colors on top of the pure white sheets. The bed itself is large and soft-looking, and Yuuri can’t help but blush at the thought of what might happen on it, if all goes well.

It feels strange being in this large space by himself, but thankfully Yuuri has practice again and no time to dwell on that for much longer. He just makes sure to wear himself out enough that by the time he returns to the room, all he can manage is a relaxing bath in the spacious tub and to climb into the, indeed very soft bed on one side. He doesn’t let himself think about anything more, and just falls asleep quickly, exhausted from the day.

Yuuri can’t be sure how long he’s slept, but he wakes up when he feels the weight of the bed shifting, as if someone was getting into it next to him. That thought is enough to startle him awake and he’s just about to scream from fright and surprise, when a very familiar voice beats him to it.

“Yuuri, calm yourself, it’s only me,” Viktor says into the darkness, before turning on his bedside lamp, revealing his beautiful and familiar, if weary-looking face. His hair is a bit of a mess and he’s wearing pajamas like Yuuri, looking a bit flustered. It’s such a wonderfully domestic and soft sight of him that seeing it both immediately calms Yuuri down and makes his heart yearn for him with immeasurable strength.

“V-Vitya…” Yuuri breathes, feeling almost dizzy with emotion. Now that Viktor is here, right beside him, close enough to touch, all the longing he’s felt for him since the day they last saw each other seems to hit him full force, like he’s only now realizing how much he’s actually missed him. And before it can even really hit him that, right now, for the first time, it’s just the two of them and no one can see or comment on them, Yuuri scrambles over to Viktor and latches their mouths together with all the love he can muster.  

Viktor is quick and eager to kiss back, humming against his lips in contentment, wrapping his arms around Yuuri’s body and stroking down the hair Yuuri has been letting grow even longer between the months that have passed. Yuuri holds him back, gently feeling the soft material of Viktor’s sleepwear, still feeling a bit cool to the touch from the outdoors. It makes Yuuri’s heart thud, knowing Viktor likely rushed on his way to get to him, to be here as fast as he could, to the point where he hadn’t even managed to warm up properly before he settled next to him like this. It makes Yuuri sigh with joy into Viktor’s mouth, feeling almost like that is the only real breath he’s given in all the time they’ve been apart. Viktor takes his open mouth as an invitation and gently leans inside with his tongue. Yuuri responds in kind, allowing himself get lost in the delicate, intimate dance of it.

They keep kissing in this manner for a good while; Yuuri can’t tell exactly how long. Time feels meaningless when he’s being held in Viktor’s embrace like this, and all he really knows is that he wants to get even closer. It’s all so wonderful and incredible, and he wants more of it, wants more of _Viktor_ , wants all that he can have of him. Without even thinking about it, just moving on instinct, he settles against Viktor so that he’s practically on his lap, all the while placing his hand where Viktor’s shirt ends at his hips, feeling the smooth bare skin peeking out gently with his fingers.

It’s then that Viktor removes his lips from Yuuri’s first, and then moves back enough from their embrace so he can look Yuuri in the eyes.

“Yuuri,” Viktor says, firm but gentle, his eyes sparkling kindly. “We shouldn’t do this right now.”

And as always, as soon as Yuuri’s lips actually stop touching Viktor’s, his more rational thoughts begin to return to him, along with the memories of everything they’ve been talking about in the past months, and what it seems they were heading towards doing now. He can feel Viktor’s hardness pressing against his leg and his own responding in his pajama pants. Yuuri honestly hadn’t even been thinking about doing more than kissing right now, only moving with desire and instinct.

“S-sorry!” Yuuri cries, pulling his hand away from where it’s still touching Viktor, doing his best to hurry off from on top of Viktor in the meantime. Before he can, however, Viktor pulls him close again into another warm but gentler embrace.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Viktor says gently into his hair, placing a kiss there, and Yuuri can hear the smile in his voice. It helps him feel a little more at ease, enough so that he can wrap his own arms back around Viktor, this time on top of his clothes. “I’ve missed you so very much, Yuuri. You’re not the only one who longs to be very close right now. But we ought to be smart about what we are doing, even if we are alone right now. It’s simply not a good idea to make love just before we have to skate, one day in between or not.”

“I wasn’t really planning on taking it that far yet,” Yuuri murmurs into Viktor’s shoulder. “I just wanted to be near you. I didn’t even think about anything.”

“There is nothing wrong with that. It’s one of the things I love best about you; how little you pretend and how much you merely do what you wish, head first when you get the chance,” Viktor says, once more beginning to stroke Yuuri’s hair. “I’m very happy to be here with you as well, Yuuri. If it weren’t for the competition, and the fact that I am admittedly quite tired at the moment…”

“I understand,” Yuuri says, gently pulling back from Viktor’s arms to smile up at him and tenderly touch his face. “We should go back to sleep, if we can.” He leans in to press one last small, gentle kiss onto Viktor’s lips. “I’m just glad you’re here beside me, and can stay that way for a while.”

Viktor smiles back at him, bright, heart-shaped and gentle. “I am as well,” he says, before starting to lay down better on the bed. But he doesn’t try to push Yuuri away from himself, and Yuuri doesn’t particularly feel like leaving Viktor’s warmth, so he just reaches with his arm to pull his pillow closer, before settling down next to Viktor, their arms still around each other and their legs intertwined beneath the covers. It’s one of the most wonderful, gentlest things Yuuri has ever experienced, and it’s made even better by the fact that his surprise earlier had been enough to kill his hard-on. That would’ve still been a bit embarrassing right now.

“Good night, Yuuri,” Viktor says, before twisting his graceful body enough to turn the bedside light off once more.

“Good night, Vitya,” Yuuri murmurs, pressing his forehead against Viktor’s chest, snuggling closer to his warmth and listening to his heartbeat and soft breathing. He lets it all assure him that Viktor is really here right now, that he has Viktor to himself for a while at least, and lull himself back into a gentle sleep.

…

Later, Yuuri begins to stir a second time, when he feels someone’s fingers smoothing his hair gently off his face, and as light finds his eyes and prevents him from falling back asleep. He’s reluctant to get up and open his eyes though, so comfortable and warm beneath the covers and snuggled against the body next to him, the heartbeat and breathing he can hear still soothing and gentle. It all feels almost too wonderful to be real, and he doesn’t want to open his eyes in case it truly is just a dream after all.

“Yuuri,” Viktor’s soft voice whispers, tickling Yuuri’s head from where the breath hits his hair. “It’s time to wake up.”

“Don’t wanna,” Yuuri groans, burrowing himself closer into Viktor’s warmth and curling up a little in his arms. “Don’t make me.”

“If only I had that power, we would remain here forever,” Viktor murmurs, pressing a kiss to his head and pulling Yuuri closer to him with his arms despite his words. “But the world outside, and especially our coaches, wait for no one.”

Yuuri groans again, right into Viktor’s chest, feeling the vibrations reflecting against his lips from Viktor’s shirt, and moving to hold him back with his own arm. He knows Viktor is right, though. His alarm hasn’t rung yet but it probably will soon, and Celestino might wonder if he shows up late to the morning practice.

So, reluctant as he is, Yuuri slowly forces his eyes open, leaning his head back enough to be able to look Viktor in the eyes. Viktor is smiling down at him with deep affection, his beautiful blue eyes sparkling tenderly. He’s still lying down like Yuuri, still wearing his comfortable sleeping clothes, his hair rather mussed up from the night. All in all, he just looks so different to any image Yuuri has previously had of him, even from their Skype calls where Viktor was at his home and therefore a little more relaxed. Yuuri doesn’t think he’s ever seen Viktor this unkempt and relaxed. And he’s just so… _cute_.

“Hi,” Yuuri murmurs, unable to resist the smile that spreads on his face.

“Hi,” Viktor says, stroking Yuuri’s hair down from top to bottom, gently.

“How long have you been awake?” Yuuri asks, still keeping his voice low and not really making the move to get up. He doesn’t want this moment to end just yet, and it feels like it would if he even attempted to speak any louder than he is.

“Not that long,” Viktor says, also keeping to the soft tone. “I didn’t want to wake you up, especially with how sweet you looked while you were sleeping. But I felt you’d prefer me to do it than an alarm.”

“Yes,” Yuuri murmurs. “This was much nicer.” He sighs, lowering his gaze from Viktor’s. “I wish we could just stay here forever, like this.”

“Me too,” Viktor says, moving to stroke his hand down Yuuri’s arm until he reaches his hand, before bringing both of their joined hands between their bodies and holding them there beneath the covers. Yuuri adjusts his hand just enough to lace their fingers together, overcome with affection and tenderness, before raising his head again so he can really look Viktor right in the eyes. He takes his time just letting himself look for all the different shades of blue and turquoise and little flecks of green in them, the way the light makes them appear to be so many different colors all at once, as they shine just for him. Viktor doesn’t say anything, just looks back into Yuuri’s eyes with tenderness, occasionally blinking, causing his long pale lashes to fan his fine cheeks.

They stay like that for a while, just taking each other in in gentle silence, until Yuuri finally can’t take just looking and not touching. He doesn’t even think about it, and almost instinctively, leans in and presses his lips softly on Viktor’s. He can taste Viktor’s morning breath as he does, can feel the slight dryness of his mouth since Viktor has yet to drink anything or moisturize today, and it’s possibly the sweetest kiss he’s ever gotten. It’s so normal, so everyday like and so intimate; something he’s never quite gotten to experience before. It’s unhurried and tender, so unlike all the moments they’ve had to steal in-between everything else and everyone’s curious stares, and Yuuri _loves_ it. Viktor is still so warm next to him, smelling of sleep and remainders of airplane, and it’s so human and wonderful and _real_ that Yuuri can’t help but fall a little deeper in love for the knowledge that Viktor has let him see this side of him; just one more side perhaps no one else has seen.

Caught up in that train of thought, as well as the sudden realization that he and Viktor are truly _alone_ right now, in their own private space, pressed close to one another after months of separation is just about enough for the kisses to not take long to turn from soft and sweet to passionate and longing. As Yuuri raises up more to be able to reach Viktor better, Viktor is quick to move to lie down on his back and gently pull Yuuri along to lie half on top of him. Their hands stay joined, but Viktor places his free one on Yuuri’s upper back to hold onto him and keep him close. Yuuri places his own free hand on Viktor’s upper chest, just below his shoulder for balance, and keeps hungrily kissing him, quick to take advantage of it when Viktor opens his mouth to let his tongue in again. Viktor responds just as eagerly and it only seems to spur Yuuri on further, breathing in and touching Viktor as much as he can, not even caring how uncoordinated he may or may not be. He just wants to get as close to Viktor as he can, to devour him, to _wreck_ him.

Yuuri only vaguely registers the heat of arousal coursing through his body and veins, the way he’s getting hard and the way he can feel Viktor’s own heat poking against his thigh. He keeps focusing on the kissing and just getting to be close to Viktor, that it’s not too difficult for him to pay no mind to it. He lets his wants and instincts take over and guide him, and just does what feels good and what he desires. He enjoys the effect he can tell he has on Viktor, though, and can’t resist the urge to grind against him a little. His own pleasure feels secondary to the thought that it’s him who caused this reaction in Viktor, that it’s him who is making Viktor groan into his mouth like that as he moves.

He’s just about to move a little again when Viktor pulls back from his lips. “Yuuri, ah-” Viktor groans, and now that they’re no longer kissing Yuuri can see that his whole face is flustered pink and his open eyes almost completely black with pupils enlarged from arousal. His hair is still a mess, and Yuuri has to swallow a little because he doesn’t think Viktor has ever looked, dare he say it, _sexier_ than this.

But there has to be a reason he stopped kissing Yuuri, so Yuuri pauses in his ministrations and tries to calm down a little. He considers moving off Viktor, but Viktor is still holding him put so it doesn’t seem like he minds that at least. “What’s wrong, Vitya?”

“Nothing. You’re wonderful. Perfect,” Viktor sighs, and he sounds out of breath, his lips all reddened and shiny from their kisses. Yuuri fights the urge to capture them and Viktor’s breaths in his own mouth again. “But we really ought to get up and get ready to start the day.”

Yuuri groans, lowering his head down to rest it down on Viktor’s chest. “I know. I just…” he sighs, the air of it making the material of Viktor’s shirt ruffle a little beneath him. “I just want you so badly.”

“I want you as well,” Viktor says, stroking Yuuri’s back up and down with his hand. “You have no clue how much I desire you, and what you do to me, Yuuri. But both of us have a competition to skate at tomorrow. No matter how much preparation we do, this will be your first time and it might be uncomfortable, especially afterwards. I can’t in good conscience do anything that might risk either one of us performing to less than our full capacity.” He pauses. “Not to mention that at the moment, we do not have that much time to spare either, and I would much rather we take our time with each other. I do not wish to needlessly rush this.”

“I get it,” Yuuri murmurs, licking his lips. He can still taste Viktor on them. And perhaps that taste is what makes him bold enough to blurt out, even to his own surprise, “…There are other things we could do, though, aren’t there?”

Right as the words escape his mouth, Yuuri feels himself beginning to turn red, and he buries his face in Viktor’s shirt in an attempt to hide from an intense wave of embarrassment. But all Viktor does is hum in thought, before saying, “There are indeed.” Yuuri can hear the sly smirk in his voice. “Do you wish to try them, now?”

Yuuri swallows, but despite the flush of his cheeks, he says, “I would. If we can.”

“I believe it might even be counterproductive to not do anything, if both of us desire for it to this degree. We’ll only be distracted at practice and later, wanting the competition to end rather than enjoying it for what it is,” Viktor says, before shifting a little beneath Yuuri to the point that Yuuri softly slides off him and back to his own side of the bed, letting Viktor free to slip out. Yuuri immediately misses his warmth, but regardless, quietly observes Viktor make his way to his suitcase nearby, still unpacked, and begin to rummage through it. Viktor eventually seems to find what he was looking for and as he turns back around to return to bed, Yuuri can see it is a purple-colored tube that Yuuri assumes contains lube. He blushes, but makes sure to meet Viktor’s eyes as he returns to him. Yuuri’s not going to let his nerves stop this from happening.

“Are you all right? Do you want to stop here?” Viktor asks gently.

“Y-yeah, I’m okay. I don’t want to stop,” Yuuri says.

Viktor smiles, and leans over to place a kiss on his cheek. Afterwards, he moves to cup the side of Yuuri’s face with his hand, stroking his cheek briefly before leaning in for another, deeper kiss on the lips. His other arm he wraps around Yuuri, and Yuuri follows in kind with his own, pulling Viktor closer to himself.

“Yuuri…may I touch you?” Viktor murmurs against his lips.

“ _Yes_ ,” Yuuri breathes, and Viktor moves the hand cradling his face down his neck, down his chest and stomach in an almost ticklish and teasing manner until he reaches the space between Yuuri’s legs and gently cups him through his pajama pants. The feeling of it comes off a little muted through the fabric, but Yuuri doesn’t mind. Jumping right into it might be a bit too overwhelming, and he finds he kind of enjoys the build-up. Besides, Viktor’s hand is big and hot even through his pants and just knowing it’s _Viktor_ who is touching him is enough to send shivers down Yuuri’s spine. For a moment, all Yuuri can focus on is just how good it feels, the way his breathing becomes rushed, and he can’t do anything except hold onto Viktor.

It’s only as Viktor leans in closer to gently start kissing his neck, almost tickling it with the softness of his mouth, that Yuuri awakens a little bit more and finally finds his voice again, “Can I… can I touch you too?”

“Yes,” Viktor whispers against his neck, creating pleasurable vibrations on the skin there. Yuuri’s never thought of his neck as particularly sensitive, but having Viktor continue lavishing all this attention on it is making him reconsider that. Emboldened by the pleasure of it all, and Viktor’s affirmation, Yuuri shyly starts to reach over as well, cupping Viktor through his underwear in a fashion imitating the way Viktor is touching him, and the way he does to himself when he’s alone. Viktor sighs and groans against his neck as he does, and Yuuri can _feel_ it as Viktor keeps kissing below his ear and above his collarbones. He finds more courage in Viktor’s clear attentiveness to bring him pleasure, and cautiously begins to touch Viktor with slightly more firmness, doing his best to try and make it good for Viktor. It’s a little challenging when both of them are still wearing clothes, because Yuuri can’t rely on his eyes to guide him.

“Vitya…” Yuuri whispers. “Please…please, can you take off your pants?”

“Of course,” Viktor says, slowly removing himself from Yuuri’s neck. As he raises his head up, he pauses to give Yuuri a smile that is somehow both affectionate and sultry at the same time, enough to make Yuuri’s heart do a triple axel right into his throat. As if satisfied, Viktor quickly moves on the bed just enough to efficiently and quickly begin to remove his clothes. He even takes off his shirt, despite Yuuri not having requested that.

And then Yuuri is face-to-face with the magnificence, beauty and perfection in human form that is Viktor Nikiforov’s naked body, and he feels like he just about swallows his tongue at the sight of it. He’s seen Viktor shirtless in the past of course, but this is completely different. This time, he doesn’t feel like he needs to force himself to look away from it. No, this time he’s _allowed_ to look, allowed to take it all in and bask in the sight of Viktor, his boyfriend, in all his bare glory. He can observe the way his skin shimmers in the morning light, the way his muscles flex and tense with every move, and – Yuuri swallows – the way his beautiful, hard cock stands tall and proud and flushed between his legs. Yuuri doesn’t know what exactly he expected Viktor to be hiding in his pants, but somehow it still comes as a surprise to see that that intimate part of Viktor is just as perfect as the rest of him. He’s long and thick, leaning a bit to the right and curving towards his stomach, but not so large that it would scare Yuuri. He’s just…beautiful.

“Are you alright, Yuuri?” Viktor asks again softly, leaning in slightly and seeming completely content to be nude in front of Yuuri, gently touching his cheek with his hand. “Do you wish to stop here?”

“No,” Yuuri breathes, swallowing again around his dry mouth. “I just…I just needed a minute.”

“That’s all right. Take as long as you need.”

“I’m fine,” Yuuri says. “Just…can I touch you again?”

“Yes, of course,” Viktor says.

Yuuri swallows again, but gathers up his nerves quickly before putting his hand back to Viktor’s bare cock, causing Viktor to let out a shuddering breath that Yuuri’s sure he’ll be dreaming about for months. He starts out gentle, hesitant, but feeling Viktor’s warmth and hardness twitching in his hand, as well as Viktor’s hands gently reaching to hold him by his back, soon give him the push to try to be bolder. It’s around the same time that he remembers what Viktor said about his own neck, and gets closer to latch onto it with his lips, much the same way Viktor did with him before. He can feel the gasp Viktor swallows, the way he shivers as Yuuri begins kissing up his neck. Encouraged by that, he does what he wished to do all those months ago, and gently takes Viktor’s ear between his teeth. He doesn’t bite, not exactly, mostly just holds the lobe between his teeth, but it’s enough for Viktor to make a sound deep at the bottom of his throat, an almost desperate noise that sends chills of thrill down Yuuri’s spine.

“Yuuri…” Viktor breathes. “Yuuri, be careful, we still shouldn’t leave marks…”

Yuuri sighs, making Viktor shudder, but lets go of Viktor’s ear, lowering his forehead into his shoulder. “I know,” he murmurs into the bare skin there. “I kind of wish we could, though.”

“I know,” Viktor says softly, tightening his arms around Yuuri. “I do too.” They stay like that for a moment, just holding each other in silence, quietly commiserating the circumstances, before Viktor breaks it. “Instead…you could take off your clothes as well? You don’t have to, of course, if you’re not comfortable but…”

“Yes,” Yuuri hurries to say, self-conscious as he is, even as the thought makes him blush. But now that Viktor’s said it, Yuuri realizes he does want that additional level of intimacy, and it also doesn’t feel fair that Viktor is the only one in the nude out of the two of them. Besides, Yuuri would prefer to bare himself to Viktor now for the first time, when he’s mostly going with the flow and the feeling, than worry about doing it for the rest of the competition, especially since they’ll be staying in the same room.

So, Yuuri puts just enough distance between himself and Viktor to quickly shed his shirt, and then his pajama pants and his underwear. The sudden coolness of the hotel room makes him shiver a little and his skin break out in goosebumps. He can’t quite bring himself to meet Viktor’s eyes either, but he can acutely feel his stare on his bare form, and it makes him blush even hotter. Yuuri can keep things realistic for himself in his mind, enough to admit his body and cock aren’t terrible, especially right now when he’s in prime skating shape and therefore at his most slim and toned. He has a nice butt from years of working out, and although his cock is slightly slimmer than Viktor’s, it’s not much shorter. Yuuri has nothing to be ashamed of, but this is also the most anyone has ever seen of him, and the most he’s ever allowed anyone to look. Still, because Viktor let him look as long as he wished, he allows Viktor the same luxury, exposed as he feels. Yuuri actually even finds he doesn’t mind that much. It’s another step in the ways of intimacy, and Viktor’s glances feel heated on his skin, and it makes Yuuri feel, possibly for the first time in his life, _desirable_. Even without looking at him, he can tell Viktor likes what he sees, and the thought is more than a little flattering and erotic.

“Yuuri,” Viktor murmurs, finally breaking the silence. “Would you please look at me?”

Yuuri bites his lip, swallows, but does so, only to be met head-on with Viktor’s flushed cheeks and dark shining eyes.

“You’re magnificent, solnyshko,” Viktor breathes, and then slowly leans over to give Yuuri a kiss on the mouth.

Yuuri smiles against his lips. “You are too,” he admits, a little shyly, before going in for another kiss. Viktor moves a bit nearer to him to make it easier, and Yuuri feels almost electrified when their bare skins finally come in contact. Eager to get closer, to feel even more, he wraps his arms around Viktor, running his hands up and down his bare toned back. Viktor wraps one arm around him in kind, rubbing his back and running his fingers through his hair.

They kiss for a while, slowly beginning to grow more heated and eager again, until Viktor pulls back. “May I touch you once more, Yuuri?” he asks softly.

“Yes,” Yuuri murmurs against Viktor’s lips, before kissing him again. He can vaguely feel Viktor leaning towards his side a little, as if looking for something, but he keeps kissing Yuuri, so Yuuri pays it little mind. It’s only as he hears a plastic bottle opening that he parts his lips from Viktor’s to look, and sees he’s opened the lube.

“This will make things more comfortable,” Viktor says, squirting some of the clear thick liquid onto his hand.

Wordlessly, his cheeks turning a bit pink, Yuuri holds his own hand out as well. At Viktor’s raised eyebrow, he says, “I want us to do it together.”

Viktor blinks a few times, his eyebrows reaching for his hairline, but then his expression melts into a gentle smile and he silently pours some of the lube onto Yuuri’s open hand. Yuuri doesn’t let himself hesitate any longer after that, but just takes a hold of Viktor’s cock once more before he can chicken out and start overthinking everything. Viktor lets out another one of those voiceless gasps, and Yuuri relishes at the sound of it.

“Is…is this okay? Does it feel fine?” Yuuri asks, just to be sure, trying to be more considerate of what he’s doing even through the haze of lust beginning to mist his mind.

“ _Yes,_ Yuuri, _God yes_ ,” Viktor breathes, before reaching over to touch Yuuri in return. Yuuri has to bite down hard on his lip in order to contain the sounds that dare to escape his mouth. It feels _so much_ better when it’s someone else’s hand than his own. “Come closer to me, please, Yuuri. Do it together with me.”

Blushing at the realization of what Viktor means, Yuuri adjusts his position just enough that he can grip both his and Viktor’s cock inside his hand at the same time, Viktor joining in to cover the parts that Yuuri can’t reach. It feels even better, even more erotic and intimate to be able to feel Viktor’s cock like this against his own, and Yuuri joins it with passionate, deep kisses on Viktor’s mouth. They touch languidly but passionately, and keep their kisses much the same and in rhythm. It’s the best thing Yuuri’s ever felt or experienced, he’s sure.

That is, until Viktor pulls back from the kiss and instead leans down to put his mouth on Yuuri’s left nipple instead, and it feels so good and so intense that this time Yuuri can’t help the sound that escapes his mouth. But all that seems to do is just drive Viktor on further, beginning to kiss and suck on the nipple and driving Yuuri almost to tears with pleasure, before moving onto his other neglected nipple. Viktor is fastening the pace he’s stroking their cocks together, too, and Yuuri’s barely able to hold back anymore, the pleasure growing into an almost overwhelming heat within his gut.

“It’s all right, Yuuri,” Viktor mouths at his chest, which does nothing to improve the current situation for Yuuri, because his voice vibrates against his nipples. “Let go. Come for me, Yuuri.”

And as he latches onto Yuuri’s nipple with his teeth, Yuuri is helpless to do anything but let out a soft cry and do just that. Viktor keeps kissing at his nipples and his chest and jerking his cock all through it, and even as the orgasm takes over him, Yuuri somehow finds the willpower to respond in kind for him. Yuuri is still coming down from his own high by the time Viktor lets out a soft, deep sound of his own, tensing slightly before growing entirely loose as he too, comes. Yuuri is quick to remove his hands from Viktor’s cock to wrap him in his arms instead, holding him up tight as Viktor’s breaths even out and tickle his shoulder. Yuuri buries his own face into Viktor’s shoulder, too, gently placing butterfly kisses there as if to say “thank you.” If he wasn’t so relaxed down to his bones right now, he might feel disbelief that that really just happened. Right now though, he just feels floaty and overwhelmingly happy.

Yuuri gently lowers them both down to lie on their sides on the bed, still holding onto each other, and absentmindedly pulls one of the duvets over them for warmth, even with the mess all over their chests. He and Viktor don’t say anything for a while, taking the time to catch their breath and come down from their highs, but they keep holding onto each other and gently stroking each other’s skin here and there, meeting each other’s soft gazes across from each other. Yuuri can’t seem to stop smiling, but neither apparently can Viktor, whose eyes keep shining as he looks over at him.

“Did you enjoy that, solnyshko?” Viktor finally whispers, raising his hand to brush some of Yuuri’s hair off his sweaty face.

“Yeah,” Yuuri murmurs, still unable to stop grinning. “It was wonderful, Vitya. Perfect, really.”

“I’m so glad,” Viktor says, and leans over to press a soft kiss to Yuuri’s mouth. And then, very softly, he says, almost against Yuuri’s lips, “I love you.”

Yuuri feels his heart jump in his throat. He’s longed to hear those words, he’s dreamed of them, and yet now that it’s actually happened…he doesn’t think anything could’ve prepared him for the rush of feelings going through him. He can feel tears prickling behind his eyes, but for once, they are happy beyond belief.

“I love you too,” he whispers back. “I love you so much, Vitya.”

Viktor’s smile is huge and heart-shaped, and he practically jumps on top of Yuuri to embrace him even tighter. “Yuuri! I love you, I love you!”

“Vitya!” Yuuri laughs, and a few of his tears slip out, but he’s still smiling.

He doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy. Even his alarm finally going off can’t ruin it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caramelcheese/Caramelycheesyarts made me another art piece of a scene from Chapter 3 which can be seen [here](http://caramelycheesyarts.tumblr.com/post/171387408837/and-as-katsuki-glides-across-the-ice-viktor-feels). Thank you again!


	11. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm so, so sorry this is late. But I work as a freelancer and I got a fairly sudden and huge gig that I had to take, and I had to focus all my efforts on that for a while. Sad as it is, gaining actual money must come before fandom fun.
> 
> That being said, this chapter is full of sugar and smut, so I hope you enjoy it now :).

After Yuuri’s alarm rings, he and Viktor finally somehow manage to force themselves out of their embrace in bed and into the shower. They take each of theirs separately, just in case they might get distracted again by each other’s naked proximity that would come with taking one together. It does nothing to quell the giddy light feeling that seems to spread all over Yuuri’s body. He’s unable to stop smiling and feeling the little phantom touches of Viktor on his skin as the two of them work through their morning routines before practice. After showering they brush their teeth side-by-side in the bathroom, get dressed while having a light joyous conversation and exchanging brief kisses and touches of the hand once in a while, and Viktor even brushes his hair and braids it for him.

It’s all so wonderful; so normal and domestic. Viktor grooming him like this especially feels so very intimate and sacred, but at the same time it’s relaxing to have someone do this for him. Unfortunately, all of it leads to Yuuri inevitably wondering if this is what it would be like to be with Viktor every day, to live with him and be with him for all the remaining days of his life. Even the fact they’re in a hotel can’t stop him from thinking that, and the thought is enough to make his heart ache in his chest and a lump form in his throat. The knowledge that once again, separation is only a matter of time for the two of them, weighs heavily upon Yuuri, especially since this will be the last competition for him and Viktor in this season. It will be months before the next one starts and the two of them will have an opportunity to see each other again.  

Still, as always when he and Viktor are together, Yuuri does his best not to dwell on that inevitability and just enjoy what they are able to have in that moment, just trying to enjoy the fact they will have more opportunities to be together this time around. Viktor finishing doing his hair and them needing to leave for practice provides another good distraction, even if the two of them have to have some cautionary measures so as not to raise suspicions. That’s why, after putting on their coats for the cold early spring morning of Sweden, Yuuri heads out of the room first and without Viktor after exchanging a few goodbye kisses with him, to make sure no one sees the two of them coming out of the same door. He heads downstairs to the lobby to wait for Viktor, who arrives a few minutes behind him. Afterwards, the two of them jog to the rink together, stopping for a quick purchase of breakfast from a café on their way.

All in all, it’s one of the best mornings of Yuuri’s life. It’s almost strange, honestly, that even though Yuuri just had his first sexual encounter with another person not even two hours previous, and even with how much he worried over it before it happened, nothing really feels different or changed with Viktor. It’s not awkward or uncomfortable even though the two of them have seen each other naked and touched each other intimately, and Yuuri doesn’t feel any sort of embarrassment looking back on it. It just feels like a natural step in the scheme of things on his and Viktor’s path together; like another way of growing closer and more familiar with Viktor. The only thing he feels when he thinks about it is so much joy he feels like he could explode, and that he can’t wait to get to experience it again. This must’ve been what Dr. Honda meant and told him to aim for, as well as all Yuuri ever hoped for from this experience. It was just an expression of love and affection between himself and Viktor, culminating in them actually saying as much out loud in words for the first time.

He and Viktor eventually arrive at the rink, having finished their croissants and to-go cups of tea on the way. They make their way to the locker room to take off their coats and put on their skates, talking about everything they’ve missed while they’ve been apart and laughing together as they do. Once they’re finished changing, though, they’re finally forced to go their separate ways for the day to find their coaches and start their practice sessions.

“Have a wonderful day today, Yuuri, and work hard in practice,” Viktor says as the two of them move towards the changing room doors.

“You too, Vitya,” Yuuri says, giving him a smile and a brush down his arm with his hand, taking a hold of Viktor’s once he reaches it. The plain affection on Viktor’s face makes it difficult for him to look away from him. Yuuri leans in to whisper, “I wish I could kiss you right now.”

“Me too,” Viktor whispers back. “But I’ll kiss you plenty later today, alright? When we’re alone and in peace once more.”

“Yeah,” Yuuri says, though he can’t quite swallow the lump forming in his throat again this time around. Perhaps he was wrong in that nothing has changed. It seems that it’s even harder to break away from Viktor now that he’s gotten to experience all of him so intimately, in more ways than one. But Yuuri refuses to let this dampen his mood or ruin his morning, so he forces himself to let go of Viktor’s hand, blink rapidly and focus on the positive emotions from before as he heads off to meet Celestino by the rinkside without Viktor.

“Good morning, coach,” Yuuri greets him, already feeling slightly better and managing to give Celestino a very genuine smile.

“Morning,Yuuri,” Celestino says, looking up from his phone before putting it in his pocket. As he gets a proper look at Yuuri’s face, however, he raises an eyebrow. “You seem happy today.”

Yuuri can’t help the fact that his smile spreads even wider, reminded of the source of his joy. “I just feel really good today, coach.”

Celestino nods slowly, still keeping his eyebrow raised in wonder and question. But all he says when he opens his mouth again is, “Good, then. Take that feeling with you to the ice today, okay? Let’s work hard today.”

“Yes, coach.”

And indeed, as Yuuri steps onto the ice, he almost feels like the good feelings from before only seem to grow and multiply within him, gaining more colors and strength to add to it. As a result, he ends up having a very productive and confidence-building morning practice, that only seems to add to his high even more. It becomes so large that Yuuri almost can’t contain it, feeling the urge to shout his happiness out from rooftops; to tell everyone in the world that he’s in love with the man of his dreams who through some inexplicable miracle also loves him back, they exchanged gentle handjobs this morning and that he just had one of the best practice runs of his life, right before the World Championships are about to begin. Honestly, Yuuri almost has to bite on his tongue to keep quiet, so he puts his happiness into his spins and jumps on the ice instead, enjoying the lightness of his movements and blades on the ice, and the feeling he gets from it makes him almost think he’s flying. Even the fact that Viktor is practicing at the other end of the rink can’t distract him.

Still, it comes as a bit of a relief when the practice run concludes and Yuuri gets to be with Viktor again. They head back to their hotel first to drop off their things and take another set of quick showers before heading out for their sightseeing tour in Gothenburg. The city is quite beautiful to wander in, especially with the day sunny and cool, and the two of them enjoy the good food it has to offer and each other’s company, taking selfies and other pictures as they go along as always.

Viktor is more than willing to go along with what Yuuri has planned for them to see today, and even though it’s almost torturous barely being able to touch Viktor throughout the day, Yuuri has a really good time just talking to him and spending time with him. This ease of just getting to be with Viktor has always been his favorite part of having him in his life. Nothing that Yuuri could ever do with Viktor could be awful, he thinks, because Viktor makes everything in life bright and beautiful and wonderful.

Still, Yuuri doesn’t fight it when Viktor eventually suggests they go back to the hotel slightly earlier than they normally would, because this time, returning won’t mean that they have to separate. Honestly, Yuuri’s growing rather tired himself and can’t help but be tempted by the idea that in their own private space, he’ll get to touch and kiss Viktor all he wants, and all the promises the privacy they now have holds. Maybe they can even experiment with more things similar to what they did this morning. The thought sends gentle butterflies into his stomach and heat through his veins, and suddenly they can’t be back at the hotel and in their room fast enough.

Unfortunately, Viktor doesn’t seem to have quite the same idea. When Yuuri opens the door to their hotel room, having waited for his turn to arrive after Viktor so they wouldn’t be spotted, he sees Viktor rummaging through his suitcase rather hurriedly. He hasn’t even taken his coat off yet, and he doesn’t turn around to show he noticed Yuuri’s arrival at all, let alone run into his arms and kiss him like Yuuri was hoping he might.

“Vitya?” Yuuri asks softly as steps further into the room and slowly begins to remove his coat. “What are you doing?”

Viktor doesn’t answer, just holds up a single hand with his index finger up to let Yuuri know to wait, and keeps looking through his luggage. Yuuri sighs, but concedes, taking off the rest of his clothes and his shoes, before sitting down on the bed to wait. The hotel cleaners have thankfully changed the sheets and made the bed to its previous neatness while the two of them were gone. He blushes a little as he runs his hand across the soft duvet, knowing they must’ve been able to tell very easily what had happened in this bed to soil the sheets. Strangely though, the thought doesn’t really embarrass him. If he were being honest, it’s actually a bit of a turn-on, knowing he and Viktor left behind a piece of evidence of their earlier activities; perhaps the only evidence there can ever be with all this secrecy, since the cleaners are unlikely to know who is staying in this room. It’s almost a shame really that those sheets would be rather uncomfortable to sleep in when they’re the only physical proof Yuuri has of his and Viktor’s love.

“Ah-hah!” Viktor’s gleeful noise breaks Yuuri out of his musings, and he turns to look as Viktor finally stands up from where he was crouching by his suitcase. Yuuri doesn’t even get the chance to ask, before Viktor quickly makes his way over to him and plops down to sit next to him on the bed, before presenting Yuuri with something with a smile. “Here.”

Hesitantly, Yuuri looks down at what Viktor has in his hand, and sees that it’s a heart-shaped, quite expensive-looking box of chocolates.

“It’s for White Day,” Viktor says, an excited smile on his face, his eyes sparkling. “I know I’m a few days late, but I thought it’d be better for me to give them to you in person rather than have them sent to you, since the days are so near to one another.”

“Vitya…” Yuuri sighs, his heart beginning to thump warmly in his chest. He softly takes the box from Viktor’s hands, and for a moment just pauses to look at it and caress its smooth, red surface in wonder, his eyes beginning to sting a little. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Viktor says gently, adjusting the way he’s sitting just enough so he can gently tip Yuuri’s chin up with his fingers and look him deep in the eyes. Yuuri has to swallow at the love so plain for him to see in Viktor’s gaze as he does. “I did promise after all, didn’t I? I’m sorry I didn’t give them to you before, but it rather slipped my mind.”

Yuuri lets out a somewhat wet chuckle, before taking advantage of the fact their faces are so close to one another and leans in to kiss Viktor, letting the chocolates fall down on the bed beside them. He’s done holding himself back today and now that he finally gets to touch Viktor again, he adds passion quite fast, deepening their kisses. Unlike before, now Viktor seems more than on board with going along with Yuuri’s ideas, so Yuuri starts to help him out of his coat, letting it slip off his broad shoulders.

They proceed to helping each other out of the rest of their clothes too. All of it ends up in a pile on the floor as the two of them proceed to exchange mutual blowjobs on the bed, taking advantage of their athleticism and flexibility. It’s so new and erotic and feels  _ so good  _ that Yuuri has a bit of a hard time concentrating on what he’s doing, with only the determination to not make the pleasure one-sided keeping his mind clear enough to carry on. He does his best to mimic what Viktor is doing to him below, and it seems to work well enough because Viktor ends up releasing in his mouth. It’s just about the most sensual, sexy thing Yuuri has ever experienced in his life.

Viktor just about collapses into a sleepy daze as he comes, and Yuuri turns himself around so they can cuddle for a while. They don’t speak for a while again, just holding each other and caressing each other’s skin.

“I think we need another shower, solnyshko,” Viktor murmurs into his ear after a while, pressing a soft kiss there.

Yuuri fakes a groan, but it turns into laughter at the end. “We’ve taken so many showers today!”

“It is the cross we must bear as a very active couple,” Viktor says, and Yuuri hides his laughter into his chest at the bad joke. “Come on now. Let’s go get cleaned up,” he says, slowly sitting up and offering Yuuri his hand.

“Together?” Yuuri asks as Viktor gets to his feet and pulls him up by the hand along with him.

“Well, we’re not in a rush anywhere now, are we?” Viktor says, smiling. “I’d like to bathe together with you, if you don’t mind.”

Yuuri smiles. “I’d love that.”

Despite their mutual nudity in the shower, the two of them don’t end up having another round, but it doesn’t make the experience of it any less intimate. It’s a fitting continuation to their morning, an added level of domesticity and calmness of just getting to be together. Viktor lets Yuuri wash his body and his hair, something Yuuri does with reverence. It feels like he’s washing a god, and he takes his time just massaging and touching Viktor as he does, making him feel pleasure in a way that isn’t sexual but no less cherished.

After Yuuri’s finally finished and Viktor has washed the soap and shampoo off his body, he returns in kind for Yuuri with equal devotion. A few times during it Yuuri has to bite down on his lip not to burst into tears. He doesn’t think anyone has ever touched him with so much affection, gentleness and attention; thought him so worthy of being caressed like this. And now it’s Viktor of all people who is attending to him so tenderly, in equal measure to the way Yuuri did for him before. It’s strange but this act of all things seems to really cement just how much Viktor loves him in Yuuri’s mind; that he worships and adores him just as Yuuri does for him, no matter what he lacks in comparison to Viktor.

After they’ve both finally finished washing up, they quickly dry themselves and each other, and change into their pajamas. Viktor brushes Yuuri’s hair for him again before the two of them settle in bed together to simply watch a movie and cuddle under the covers. They don’t talk much, except giving occasional comments on the movie, and Yuuri ends up mostly just listening to Viktor’s breathing and heartbeat, enjoying his proximity and warmth until he finally falls into a deep sleep. For once, the competition feels like the furthest thing from his mind, and sleeps well through the night in the comfort of Viktor’s arms.

In the morning, Viktor wakes him up with gentle kisses, and Yuuri can’t help but wish, once again, that every day and every night could be like this.

…

**y-katsuki**

Gothenburg, Sweden

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❤ 2,891 likes

**y-katsuki**  A day in Gothenburg spent with @v-nikiforov. The city is beautiful, even in this cold weather :). Being here for the #GothenburgWorlds is a treat.

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**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** yuuri-chan, you look so cute! i hope you had fun and best of luck tomorrow! ill be cheering you on!

**knifeshoes** #Victuuri strikes again with their traditional city tour date pics!

**iceicelady** You and Vitya look really happy @y-katsuki :). I’m so glad he has you now! I’ll be cheering on you both tomorrow, so do your best!

**quadflipped** Your pictures bless me on this day, Yuuri. Thank you for this. You guys give me life.

**yuurisblue** What did you do to your hair, @y-katsuki? Did you cut it already?

            **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** @yuurisblue i think he just hid it in his hat. i saw pics from today’s practice on other accounts and it was definitely still long :).

**phichit+chu** Cheering you on, bro! Do your best! Get that medal! Ganba!

**hopesonblades** I didn’t know you spoke Japanese @phichit+chu

**phichit+chu** I’ve learned a few phrases from Yuuri ;).

**v-nikiforov** Another lovely day with my dear friend Yuuri <3.

            **quadflipped** OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG @knifeshoes

**knifeshoes**!!!

            **vityaswoman** oh get over urselves u pissbabies. Vityas obvsly just doin a nice thing for a fan.

            **yuurisblue** I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say they’re a little more than fan and idol at this point.

**yuurisnose** ganbatte, yuuri!

7 hours ago

…

Despite the prestige and importance of it, just because of all the waiting and chances to get worked up by how everyone else is doing, Worlds is probably one of Yuuri’s least favorite competitions in figure skating. However, all in all, this year thankfully goes over much more smoothly than the year before. Yuuri applies his calming techniques all through the day, and does his best to turn any nerves he has into determination. With that determination he adds all the good feelings that have been gathering inside of him since he got to see Viktor again. The two of them spend most of the day together, just talking and sharing stories and pictures and laughter between warming up. It works as a rather sufficient distraction for Yuuri, and at times he’s even able to forget the competition entirely, though he still makes sure not to look at the scores of other skaters.

Yuuri is skating just before Viktor again, so Viktor has promised to watch him by the rinkside. Yuuri draws all the power he can from the knowledge that Viktor is watching him; the knowledge that Viktor  _ wants  _ him and loves him, as he finally takes to the ice. It’s more than enough to help Yuuri feel the worth he needs for his skating to shine, and he channels everything that is in his heart into the way his body moves across the ice around him.

Yuuri barely even has to think when he skates, just pouring his love and how good it feels to be with Viktor and competing against him again, into the ice. He’s come to know this program so deeply and innately over the season that it’s become a part of him, almost like an extension of his very being. After all, these programs are meant to convey his own story. That story has only continued as the season went on, and he’s kept growing alongside the programs. He will only keep on growing from here on out as well. But these programs, this theme, gave him the confidence he needed for this season, and that is what he wants to showcase on the ice. This may be the last time he performs them; he wants to give them the proper send-off by showing the world what they have meant to him, what he made them for, what he wanted to say with them. Yuuri can show the world how proud he is to have grown so much over his first two seasons in Seniors with these programs, how much he’s already gained and how much he still hopes to learn. He puts all of it into his blades and how they glide beneath him, and it helps him almost fly through the program.

As he finally strikes the final pose, Yuuri feels dazed and a bit like he’s floating, or like he hasn’t quite properly come down from a jump yet. Once again, he doesn’t really remember much of what he did while skating, other than how it felt to do it, but he doesn’t have to. He already knows his skating told everyone all he had to say because he felt it all the way down to his fingertips as he skated. He can hear the crowd going wild around him, can see gifts and tokens being dropped down onto the ice in his honor, and he gives them a bow and a wave as a way of saying his thanks.

Afterwards, he makes his way off the ice and into Celestino’s huge embrace, and then to the Kiss & Cry where he drinks a few large gulps of water.

“I’m so proud of you, Yuuri,” Celestino says, clapping him on the shoulder. “You’ve worked hard all season, and it’s clearly paid off. You couldn’t have skated any better than that.”

Yuuri smiles a little, but doesn’t say anything, not even when his scores come in and they reflect what he already knew. He’s gotten a new personal best; truly a well-deserved send-off for this program. He’s in first place at the moment. The numbers aren’t quite enough to break Viktor’s world record on the short program, but maybe, just maybe…

Yuuri shakes his head to chase those thoughts away. He mustn’t think that. It would be foolishly arrogant of him to even consider such a thing. But now that it’s in his head, he can’t seem to be able to shake it off, no matter how he tries. The thought follows Yuuri all through the few quick interviews he gives to the reporters present, and even to the green room where he settles to watch Viktor skate.

Viktor has improved on the short program since the Grand Prix Final as well, Yuuri can tell, but it’s still not his personal favorite program from him. Perhaps it’s just because Yuuri knows Viktor so well now, but he can tell now that the feeling in the program is not real and that throws him out of the experience and mood of it every time he sees it. He can’t really enjoy it for what it is, since he now knows why it was made the way it is; knowing that it’s the tale of Viktor’s loneliness and sorrow. But still, even objectively, and as much as Yuuri is almost scared of that thought, Yuuri knows he was the one who was really pouring everything he was feeling out onto the ice today between himself and Viktor. He’d even landed all his jumps, and he’d been incredibly light on his skates. He got a personal best score, even after an already fantastic previous season of amazing scores. Today, if only this once, he may even be  _ better _ than Viktor. And he’s not sure if he’s more terrified or thrilled by that possibility.

When Viktor finally finishes his program, and goes to get his scores, Yuuri can’t even breathe. It feels as if the whole world has stopped and ceased to move around him. He can’t hear anything or anyone, and would almost swear everyone is holding their breath just like him as Viktor’s scores finally come in.

Because today, he was indeed better than Viktor. Yuuri has beaten him in the short program by a single point.

…

Yuuri to the Glory @juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki · 1 h

omgomogomgomgomg, yuuri-chan is in the lead after the short program! #GothenburgWorlds #katsukiyuuri

 

Yuuri’s Blue @blueisthenewblack· 58 m

Pinch me, I think I’m dreaming. Is this real life? #katsukiyuuri

 

Surprise Show @surprisesforme · 53 m

aright, eatin mah wors for realz nao. havin katsuki aroun def makes thangs more interestin. im moar excited f/ this than ive been in yars!

 

Knife Shoes @knifeshoes · 50 m

Seeing Viktor and Yuuri face off is always a treat, but especially so today!

 

Lady Skates @iceicelady · 47 m

Aaah, I’m so happy for Yuuri, though I feel bad for Vitya :’(. Yuuri did deserve his win today, but still.

 

Bedridden @bedrider · 44 m

yeah, hate to say it but i don’t think his heart was really in the program anymore @iceicelady.

 

Mrs. Nikiforova @vityaswoman · 42 m

u all r delusional n the judges are obvsly blind. vitya deserved to win today like always. if katsuki wins tomorrow im gonna fuckin sue.

 

King and the Skater @kingnskater · 40 m

I’m so proud of and happy for Yuuri! He is all grown up now!

 

Blades on Ice @thebladeskater · 36 m

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I think no one is more shocked by this than Yuuri himself LOL.

 

Yuuri’s Nose @yuurisnose · 33 m

@thebladeskater lol i hope he can pull himself together for the press :P.

…

Yuuri remains locked in that dazed, breathless feeling for pretty much the rest of the day. He carries on through it as if enclosed in a glass box. The whole world feels muted around him and like nothing is really real for him, not even Viktor’s bright congratulatory hug before the two of them have to go deal with the media. Honestly, if it weren’t for Celestino’s guidance of him with the press and through his duties, Yuuri probably would barely have managed at all. Since his Senior Debut, he’s never been quite out of the spotlight, but he swears that today it gets to a whole different level. There are masses of reporters, all eager for a word from him suddenly, hoarding around him like a pack of hungry wolves. They all want a statement on how he feels about his triumph over Viktor today, if he think he’ll beat him for the gold after the free skate as well.

All through it Yuuri feels like he’s only half there in the first place, and can’t even remember what he said for his answers. He feels dizzy and weary and he just wants to disappear into his room and properly talk about this with Viktor already. He can’t deal with all these sudden expectations right now, not when he doesn’t even know how Viktor feels about all this. He seemed happy enough before, but what if that has changed now that he’s had more time to think about it? Surely he can’t be too happy about losing, even if only by a point? Not to even mention he was losing to someone like Yuuri…

Finally,  _ finally _ , Yuuri finishes with the press for the day and can return to the hotel. He feels worn down to the bone, like he could just sigh his soul out with how tired he is. He almost wishes he could save the conversation with Viktor for tomorrow, actually, when he’s a little less out of it, but he also knows it can’t wait. They will have to talk about this so Yuuri can go on skating with a clear mind and heart, that it won’t stay as a horrible, unbearable weight and obstacle between the two of them.

Viktor is already there in their room by the time Yuuri arrives, and as soon as Yuuri steps through the door, Viktor practically tackles him into an eager embrace.

“Yuuri!” Viktor cries, squeezing him even tighter in his arms. “You were so…exquisite today! It was a personal best for a reason! If you keep this up, you’ll even beat me soon!”

Yuuri still only barely knows how to think, let alone how or what to say to Viktor, even now completely dazed and exhausted from everything. It feels like the world around him hasn’t stopped spinning since he found out he scored higher than Viktor, and it’s yet to stop. It’s enough for Yuuri to be able to do little else than blink a few times, trying to sort out his head. “Aren’t you upset?”

Viktor leans back from the embrace just enough to be able to look Yuuri in the eye, though he still keeps his arms around him as he raises his perfectly-sculpted, beautiful eyebrow in surprise. “Why would I be?”

“Because…” Yuuri pauses to swallow, a lump of dryness forming in his throat and his eyes beginning to sting, his face growing flushed with emotions he can’t quite name. “Because I beat you today! Because some dime-a-dozen skater from Japan did better than you today!”

“Yuuri!” Viktor practically shouts, and the tone shift in his voice is so sudden that Yuuri almost swallows his own tongue. Viktor’s voice comes out firm and louder than he’s ever been around Yuuri, his eyes stormy and blazing. Viktor is angry. Why is he angry now? Shouldn’t that have come earlier when Yuuri beat him? “Don’t you dare say such things about yourself! You proved only today that you are anything but a dime-a-dozen skater. You defeated me today, and you can do it again too, if you keep skating the way you did today!”

“But doesn’t that make you frustrated?!” Yuuri cries, unable to help himself from raising his voice in kind to Viktor’s. “That I beat you?”

“Of course it does,” Viktor says, a little quieter but still clearly frustrated. He pauses, evidently to calm himself as he sighs and reaches up to rub at his forehead, as if to wave off the pain and pressure gathering there. “I dislike losing. But I’m also an honest and confident enough person to admit that today, I deserved to lose to you. You were much better than I was. Honestly, you should’ve beaten me by more than just a point. I said as much to everyone who interviewed me today as well.”

“You did?” Yuuri can’t help but gasp.

“I did,” Viktor says. He’s not shouting anymore, and his anger seems to have melted into something more akin to frustration. His brows are still furrowed, but his eyes have regained their normal gentle spark over the blazing anger of before. It helps calm Yuuri down as well, especially after Viktor pulls him back into a tighter embrace against his body.

“Yuuri, I first came to gain affection for you because of your skating; because your skating was nothing like I’d ever seen before. That feeling hasn’t changed. You’re at some of your most beautiful on the ice, and every time I get to see you perform, it is a privilege higher than I could ever tell you. You keep improving with each skate, and as someone who loves you and wants to see you do well, even wants to  _ help  _ you do well, that is the very best thing I could imagine for you. I want to keep seeing you grow and improve as an athlete, and not just for yourself either, but because you also push  _ me  _ to be better. When you’re skating with me, against me, I also skate better because you  _ challenge  _ me. Do you know how long it was since someone actually challenged me before you came along?” Viktor pauses. “And sometimes being challenged simply means that you’ll be better than me. And when you are, I’ll be happier for you than anyone else.”

Yuuri swallows, slowly putting his arms around Viktor in return, his breaths coming out slightly uneven. “R-really?”

“Of course,” Viktor says. “Isn’t it the same for you as well, and haven’t you even said as much before the entire world?” Yuuri can’t help but blush a little, remembering the press conference at the GPF. “And isn’t skating what first drew you to me as well? Didn’t you love my skating first too?”

“I did, but…” Yuusi mumbles. “That’s different. I’ve always looked up to you, and before this I’d never beaten you before. You’ve helped me grow, yes, and you’ve always seemed happy about my success but…what if that changes if I do actually win gold over you one day? What if it changes something between us? What if we start getting into the competition far too much, until nothing remains but the competition, bitterness and resentment?”  

“Yuuri,” Viktor says, pulling back from the embrace once more so they can better see each other and talk. Viktor reaches up to caress the side of Yuuri’s face, tucking a few strands that have come loose from his ponytail behind his ear. “Of course I can’t promise that won’t happen for certain. We can’t know what the future holds. But Yuuri, let me ask you this: has the fact I’ve beaten you ever made you resent me?”

“No. Never,” Yuuri says. “But I always felt like you deserved it…”

“And when you beat me, it’ll also be deserved, zolotse,” Viktor says, and manages a bit of an affectionate smile before he leans down to gently press their foreheads together. “I could never resent you for a well-earned victory. And believe me, when you beat me, you’ll also know you deserved it. Didn’t you feel it today as well?” Yuuri blushes a little, averting his eyes, but he manages to nod a little regardless. “I thought so,” Viktor says, and Yuuri can hear the smile in his voice.

“Yuuri,” Viktor begins again. “I know all of this may be new and frightening, but I don’t want you to hold yourself back for any reason, least of all me. You’re too good for that, and you deserve all the success I know you are going to have as the years go by. I know you’re capable of even more than you’ve already accomplished, that you’ll keep on growing, and I can’t wait to see you at your peak. And when you do, and even before that, I’ll be cheering you on as your biggest fan, and being inspired by your skating to keep working even harder on mine.”

The words are enough for Yuuri’s world to finally seem to settle, to finally seem to stop spinning around him and throwing him around. It’s enough for him to manage a smile in return to Viktor’s, even as he feels tears prickling behind his eyes just a little as Viktor caresses his cheek with his thumb.

“Will you promise me not to hold anything back, to not be afraid of the success from now on?” Viktor asks softly.

“…Okay. Okay, I promise,” Yuuri whispers, even as a few tears of sheer relief and exhaustion slip out of his eyes as he closes them. He feels Viktor wiping them off with his thumb, and he grounds himself with the feeling of warmth on his cheeks. “But…don’t you dare hold anything back either.”

“Of course I won’t,” Viktor chuckles, and the sound of it seems to loosen the rest of the tension still remaining in the room, to the point where Yuuri, too, can feels his shoulders finally relaxing like a load has been taken off them. “As I said, I hate losing. I will give my all in the free skate, especially when I believe you work best when you’re challenged as well. So I will keep challenging you and pushing you towards your peak, until you finally reach it. That’s my way of showing my love.”

Yuuri smiles at that, and can’t resist the urge to reach up to kiss Viktor on the mouth, letting it be the end of any and all remaining tension between the two of them for the moment, leaving only affection and love and encouragement in its wake.

…

In the end, it is still Viktor who wins the World Championships, making a magnificent comeback in the free skate and breaking his own previously set world record. Yuuri doesn’t mind, proudly carrying his silver medal on the podium, proudly looking up at the man he loves as he shows off his gold to the audience and the cameras. Yuuri meant what he said the previous night, after all, that he can accept defeat with grace when he knows someone else did better, so long as he knows he also gave it his all. And this time, overall, Viktor beat him fair and square, and Yuuri can be happy for him as his fan and boyfriend. Yuuri has nothing to be ashamed of here, and he knows it. He did his best, and he couldn’t have skated any better than he did. Viktor just skated even better.

Viktor returns his gaze, and gives him an encouraging smile which Yuuri returns with an affectionate one. Just before Viktor can turn away, though, Yuuri adjusts his smile and turns it into a small smirk; a private challenge between the two of them. It causes Viktor to blink, and for his cheeks to turn a little red, before he returns his eyes to the cameras. Yuuri does so as well, and keeps on smiling, even as he glances over at Viktor’s gold medal from the corner of his eye. The more he looks at it, the more he finds himself coveting in a way that he probably never has before. It feels like his talk with Viktor and the fact he wears the silver to Viktor’s gold with only a few points between their final scores have lit a fire inside of him. Yuuri’s going to keep his promise to Viktor. He’s done holding back. He’ll work even harder next season, and one day, perhaps, it’ll be him and not Viktor who stands in the middle.

_ No,  _ Yuuri thinks, glancing down at the medal resting on his chest.  _ No, that’s not right. No ‘perhaps’ about it. It  _ will  _ be me one day. I will make it happen, no matter what. _

Yuuri doesn’t say anything about it to anyone, not yet anyway. He isn’t in the mood to deal with the expectations or the insults that are sure to come if he were to openly and publicly challenge Viktor for the gold. For now, it will be his own private secret, when today all he wants to do is just enjoy having being able to get this far already. Therefore, when he talks to the press, he speaks mostly of just that, and also how happy he is for Viktor. He doesn’t utter a single lie in his statements either, but it’s all such a monkey circus as always that Yuuri can’t help but wish for it to just end already so he can leave.

After all, today is the last day of the competition for him, even if there is still the gala and the banquet to get through later. But nonetheless, there is going to be an extra special reward waiting for Yuuri when he can finally go back to his and Viktor’s hotel room, and the knowledge of that makes his patience with the media run even thinner than usual. By the looks he and Viktor keep exchanging over everyone, Viktor knows this as well and returns the sentiment. The two of them have a few days all to themselves to spend in their very own shared hotel room as the rest of the competition finishes. They don’t have to worry about skating competitively anymore, they’re prepared and they’re ready.

God, Yuuri’s  _ so  _ ready. He’s almost embarrassed to admit it, even to himself, but he’s been half-hard since Viktor discreetly kissed his neck during their traditional congratulatory hug earlier in the green room. He’s just glad he was able to talk himself into calming down enough for it to hopefully not show in any of the podium pictures.

Still, because this is a big competition, the questions and the press conference drag on and on, and even after Yuuri gets the permission to finally leave, Viktor has to stay behind for a bit longer as the winner. Despite his tiredness, Yuuri quickly comes to the conclusion that he’s just too jittery to go and wait for Viktor to be done in their room, so after he showers in the arena, he heads for a short walk instead to clear his head.

When Yuuri makes it back to the room, Viktor is there waiting for him, already dressed in casual and loose clothing that seems like it’d be very easy to take off. It’s like an invitation, and Yuuri doesn’t hesitate any longer to accept it, rushing over to him in a few quick strides, practically jumping in Viktor’s arms to kiss him deeply.

Viktor catches him and his lips steadily, quickly wrapping his arms around Yuuri as Yuuri drinks in the warmth of him, devouring his mouth with his own. He’s still chilled from the outdoors, and Viktor’s face and hands and torso are almost like radiators, making his skin tingle where they touch, although that is not unusual when it comes to touching Viktor in general. Viktor’s mouth tastes a little bit sweet to him, like the freshest water to quell his thirst, and he smells like soap and shampoo from his shower earlier. Viktor’s closeness consumes him, makes Yuuri grow eager for even more of it, of  _ him _ , and runs his hands all across Viktor’s back through his shirt.

Viktor pulls their lips apart softly, gently, but even as he speaks they remain so close that Yuuri can almost feel the words vibrate against his mouth, “Yuuri, will you allow me to undress you?”

“ _ Yes, _ ” Yuuri sighs against Viktor’s lips, just before Viktor recaptures his mouth and gently begins removing Yuuri’s coat off his shoulders, not unlike Yuuri did for him a few days previous. Yuuri lets the coat drop carelessly on the floor at his feet. Viktor moves on, caressing his shoulders and chest with his big, warm hands as he slowly pulls down the zipper of Yuuri’s JSF jacket, leaving Yuuri in just his sweatpants and his t-shirt, much like Viktor himself.

That’s how they remain for a few moments, just exchanging passionate but unhurried kisses, Yuuri allowing Viktor’s tongue to enter his mouth, and meeting him halfway with his own in the dance they’ve gotten fairly familiar with by now. All the while, Yuuri runs his hands across Viktor’s back and neck, caressing his hair and holding him close in his arms. Viktor has one arm wrapped around his waist and one cradling his face in return. The frantic hurry of before has been replaced with languid gentleness, but Yuuri doesn’t mind. Despite everything they’ve done so far, this will still be a new experience for him, and they’re not in a rush right now. They can afford to take it slow and make as many memories as they can from it before they have to part ways again.

Still, as much as he enjoys the kisses, it eventually starts getting more and more frustrating that there’s not nearly as much skin-on-skin contact between the two of them as Yuuri craves. It grows especially frustrating because both he and Viktor are only wearing thin sweatpants and he can distinctly feel Viktor’s growing hardness against his leg, and knows Viktor can feel his responding against his own as well. It smolders at the bottom of his stomach like embers burning, until Yuuri takes the reins and pulls himself back from the kisses to talk. He puts a bit more distance between himself and Viktor too, so he can get an answer that isn’t completely hazed with lust.

“Vitya…can we take our shirts off? I really…” Yuuri can’t help the blush that he can feel spreading on his cheeks. “I really want to touch you properly…”

Viktor smiles gently at him, and Yuuri has to swallow hard around the fact that he realizes Viktor’s pupils are again blown wide with desire, his face and lips flustered beautifully from their kisses.

“Of course,” Viktor says, and leans down to peck Yuuri’s lips gently once more, before removing his hands and arms from him enough to start to removing his shirt. Taking that as a hint, Yuuri proceeds to do the same as fast as he can. As he tosses his shirt on the floor by his coat, Yuuri turns and comes into view of, once again, Viktor’s bare beautiful chest, and he has to take another swallow at the sudden dryness in his mouth, his heart jumping up into his throat. He briefly wonders if the sight of Viktor will ever stop making him feel this much, making all this desire and passion course through his veins like fire.

As if guided by that thought, Yuuri slowly reaches out and places his hand on Viktor’s shoulder, caressing his now bare arm down to his hand, which he grabs a hold of, as if to steady himself. Viktor squeezes his hand in return, and as Yuuri raises his eyes to meet his again, Viktor is giving him an encouraging, gentle smile.

“Would you like to move this to the bed?” Viktor asks softly, reaching over with his free hand to caress Yuuri’s cheek with his thumb again.

“Yes,” Yuuri murmurs, reaching up for another kiss, wrapping his own free arm around Viktor’s torso again, before leaning his head down to rest on Viktor’s shoulder. “I’m ready, Vitya,” he whispers against Viktor’s neck, enjoying the shiver he can feel running through Viktor’s body as he does. He places a kiss where Viktor’s neck meets his shoulder for good measure, causing Viktor to let out another one of those silent gasps Yuuri’s coming to adore. “I want us to have this experience together.”

“As do I,” Viktor sighs, moving to pull Yuuri’s hair free from its ponytail and running his fingers through the strands gently to properly open them. “Yuuri…I know we talked about this before, but I just want to make sure we’re still on the same page. Our plan was that I would first prepare and make love to you to show you how to do it. Afterwards, knowing what to do, you can return in kind for me once we’ve had some rest. Is that still what you wish for us to do?”

“Yes,” Yuuri sighs, almost unable to suppress a shiver with how amazing that sounds, and he can feel his cock twitching in his pants, too. “I want you, Vitya. I want you so badly. So please…make love to me.”

“Of course,” Viktor says, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of Yuuri’s head, before putting a little bit of distance between them to smile at him. He holds up their still-joint hands and takes a short step towards the bed. “Remember though, that if at any time you wish to stop, or for me to do something differently, all you need to do is merely tell me and I will.”

“I know,” Yuuri says. “The same goes both ways, too.”

“I know,” Viktor says, smiling, as he leads Yuuri to take a seat at the end of their hotel bed together, side by side. As they do, he leans in to caress Yuuri’s face again. “You’re so beautiful, solnyshko. I love you so much.”

“I love you so much too,” Yuuri says, and he feels almost as though his heart could burst from excitement and joy. His whole body feels like it’s full of light just waiting to break out. To show that, he leans in to kiss Viktor once more, gently pushing his tongue into his mouth as well. Viktor responds with his own, and Yuuri lets his hands explore Viktor’s bare chest all over, caressing his muscles and shoulders and nipples. Viktor does the same for him with his own hands, but focuses mostly on Yuuri’s nipples which sends shivers down Yuuri’s spine, and he can’t help the little gasping noises that escape his throat and that he muffles into Viktor’s mouth.

Viktor seems to take those noises as a sign of encouragement, because he slowly moves his hand down Yuuri’s abdomen and stomach until he reaches the hemline of his pants. He slips the tips of a few fingers inside, and this time Yuuri can’t suppress the shiver from running down his spine out of the sheer arousal and thrill of it. Still, as if to tease, the hemline is where Viktor stops, caressing his fingers back and forth a little across it but not moving downwards.

Hoping it might help things to start proceeding, Yuuri pulls his lips from Viktor’s, and leans down to kiss his neck instead. “Please,” he murmurs against it, enjoying the tremors of Viktor’s skin against his lips. “Please, touch me, Vitya.”

Viktor lets out a soft humming sound, but does as he’s told and slips his whole hand into Yuuri’s underwear, wrapping it around his cock. Yuuri muffles a gasp against Viktor’s neck, beginning to kiss and lick properly there. He waits for Viktor to tell him to be careful of the hickeys, but it never comes.

“Can I…” Yuuri murmurs, swallowing around another gasp as Viktor keeps caressing his cock, soft but teasingly heated. “Can I leave marks?”

“We only have the exhibitions to skate and the banquet to get through. After this, I’ll be taking the next few weeks off from training,” Viktor says. “I have high collared shirts and some cover-up if I need to hide the marks. Both our costumes and suits cover enough skin” There is a smile in his voice as he speaks. “So please, leave all the marks you want, so long as they’re not too high up. I want to carry the memory of tonight and of you with me as long as I can.”

Yuuri blushes, but swallows his nerves and says, “Me too,” before proceeding to gently use his teeth on Viktor’s neck as well, nibbling softly at the base of it. He can heart Viktor’s breathing quicken as a result, and begins moving up his neck to gently nibble at that specific soft spot just behind Viktor’s ear he’s coming to really enjoy focusing on.

“Ah, Yuuri…!” Viktor moans, lowering his head to rest on Yuuri’s shoulder, his whole body trembling in Yuuri’s arms. “Solnyshko, you’re so amazing. You truly have no clue of what you do to me.”

Yuuri places one last gentle kiss behind Viktor’s ear, before he ceases the stimulation there. “I love seeing you like this,” he admits softly against Viktor’s neck. “I love knowing I’m the only one who can do this to you, make you feel this way, act this way.”

“Me too,” Viktor sighs. He’s still holding onto Yuuri’s cock, but he’s not caressing it anymore, having gotten too distracted as Yuuri was getting into his neck. “You’re my only one, Yuuri.”

“And you’re mine,” Yuuri says, slowly beginning to run his hand down Viktor’s chest and down to the hem of his pants. “And just for tonight, I want to know it more than ever before. Experience all of you.”

“Then perhaps we ought to remove our pants,” Viktor says, and Yuuri can hear the gentle teasing in his tone. It makes him hide a snort in his shoulder, before raising his head.

“Perhaps we should,” he says, and smiles forcibly coyly at Viktor, who hides a giggle in his hand, and Yuuri loves this side of him too, loves that they can be this comfortable with each other, even in such a vulnerable and new situation. He begins to slowly move his hand down the hemline of Viktor’s pants, giving him a bit of a questioning look to confirm he can move forward. Viktor nods at him, and as Yuuri proceeds onwards, adjusts on the bed enough for Yuuri to help him become completely bare. Afterwards, he proceeds to help Yuuri in a similar manner, until they’re both once again completely in the nude before one another.

Yuuri pauses for a moment to just look once more at the glory of Viktor, trying to paint it all into memory for the lonely months ahead. Viktor seems to be doing the same, as Yuuri can feel his eyes caress his skin, before Viktor moves to do the same with his lips, placing gentle kisses on Yuuri’s upper body and sucking a little around his collarbones. It’s sure to leave a mark and Yuuri can’t help the way the thought of that thrills him.

“Would you like to lay back so I can prepare you?” Viktor mouths against his chest.

Yuuri does so wordlessly as Viktor proceeds to take out the lube and a condom for himself from the bedside table drawer where they’ve stashed them. Yuuri watches with heated fascination as Viktor takes the condom out of its package and rolls it onto himself. Viktor gives a bit of a caress on Yuuri’s leg before squirting some lube on a few fingers, bringing the lube closer with himself as he brings his body to lean over Yuuri’s.

“I’m going to start preparing you now,” Viktor murmurs, starting to place increasingly heated kisses around Yuuri’s chest as he does, and Yuuri has to repress a whine as he just barely pecks at his nipples. “It might feel a little strange at first, so tell me if you wish for me to stop or slow down. In the meantime, do your best to relax; it’ll make this part easier on both of us.”

“Okay,” Yuuri says, and his breath comes out hitched with pleasure and expectation.

Viktor nods against his chest, proceeding to kiss Yuuri’s left nipple and caress the other with his free hand, and at the same time begins to rub a gentle circle around Yuuri’s hole. It’s an entirely new sensation for him, gentle and erotic at the same time. Added with Viktor stimulating his chest, it all feels so good that Yuuri barely even notices the intrusion as Viktor gently begins to prods in a finger. Then again, that was probably Viktor’s intention in the first place; to cause Yuuri enough pleasure that he doesn’t care about the discomfort. To help on his part, Yuuri focuses in on the pleasure and the expectation, and how close he is to Viktor right now; the trust between the two of them. It’s enough to help him ignore the strange initial feeling of Viktor pushing into him. Viktor is gentle with what he does as expected, softly caressing Yuuri’s walls and coating them with the lube on his finger, guiding Yuuri’s legs around him so he has better access. Yuuri in turn puts his arms around his head and shoulders, caressing Viktor’s hair with his fingers as he can’t reach much else at this angle.

Slowly, as the intrusion inside Yuuri’s body begins to feel less like one, Viktor proceeds to kiss up his chest and begin to kiss his neck, nibbling softly there too. Yuuri’s really coming to like being kissed there as well, so he barely again even notices as Viktor pours more lube on his fingers and adds a second one, caressing Yuuri’s walls with them. It’s actually beginning to feel quite pleasurable in itself, if a little strange. As Viktor moves to kiss his lips and Yuuri can use his leg to gently hump at Viktor’s still-neglected cock, Yuuri finds he’s coming to rather like everything they’re doing so far, especially when the way he moves his leg causes Viktor to groan into his mouth.

And then Viktor moves his fingers up slightly and touches a place inside of Yuuri that makes him let out a sound he didn’t know he was capable of.

Yuuri can almost feel Viktor smiling against his lips, as he keeps prodding at that spot inside. The more he does, the more Yuuri’s breaths begin to escape his throat as small short hitching noises and the more he can feel himself leaking precome. Yuuri can’t help the way he arches his back, the pleasure of it so all-consuming and overwhelming, and the only way he can keep noises from breaking past his lips is hide them into Viktor’s mouth. His insides feel like they’re on fire, like he’s about to burst like a pot boiling over. It draws so much of his focus that Yuuri barely even notices as Viktor adds yet another finger into him, spreading the three of them inside just a little, kissing Yuuri all the while.

Viktor keeps prodding at Yuuri’s insides almost maddeningly until he removes his lips from Yuuri’s to gently look into his eyes, pressing their foreheads together affectionately. “I believe you’re as ready as I can make you right now. Do you still wish to carry on?”

“Yes,  _ please _ ,” Yuuri groans, because he thinks he might lose his mind if he doesn’t get to experience Viktor inside of him soon. If his fingers feel this good, how good is his cock going to feel? “Please, Vitya. I want it. I want you.”

“Of course, zolotse,” Viktor murmurs, giving him a soft kiss, and reaching to take Yuuri’s hand with the one he hasn’t been using to prep him. Yuuri clutches to it with his own, entwining their fingers. “Tell me if it hurts though, alright?”

Yuuri nods, and Viktor raises himself up from where he’s on top of Yuuri just enough to position himself properly at Yuuri’s entrance. “I’ll go slow. It’ll give you some time to adjust.” Yuuri nods again, and then, slowly, almost agonizingly heated, inch by inch, Viktor slips inside of him. And as he finally makes it completely inside, Yuuri can’t help but let out a soundless gasp, his back arching again. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri says, moving his own free hand up to the back of Viktor’s neck to caress at the ends of the strands there. He can feel the growing sweatiness there, and it makes his chest fill with warm affection, knowing Viktor is maintaining this much control so Yuuri will be as comfortable as possible. “It just…it feels so good. You’re so close to me.”

“I am indeed,” Viktor says with a soft smile, leaning to give him a gentle kiss and squeezing on his hand. “Do you need me to wait a moment?”

“No,” Yuuri says, shaking his head for a good measure. “You can move. I want you to.”

Viktor nods, leaning down to kiss him properly and deeply with tongue, before beginning to move in slow, gentle thrusts. It feels even better than Yuuri’s ever imagined, quickly raising him to almost dizzying heights of pleasure. His mind seems to grow almost blank with it, like it’s the only thing he can focus on and he just drowns in in. The only things keeping him even the slightest bit aware are the fact that he keeps holding onto Viktor’s hand and the kisses he and Viktor exchange. Yuuri’s gasping moans are muffled by Viktor’s lips and slowly, Viktor begins to move with more momentum, hitting Yuuri’s prostate with each thrust, both their breaths beginning to grow uneven. Yuuri knows he can’t last much longer with the way this is going. It’s all just too much, all too wonderful and amazing and everything he’s ever wished for his sexual experiences.

He gently removes his lips from Viktor’s, who almost pauses in moving, before Yuuri hurries to say, “No, don’t stop, Vitya, please don’t stop,” and he keeps moving, though slightly gentler. “Vitya, you’re so amazing. I can’t…I can’t…”

“I know, me neither,” Viktor says, pecking Yuuri’s cheek gently with his moist lips before  turning to look him deep in the eyes. There is sweat gleaming on Viktor’s brow and his eyes are dark and wide, his brows furrowed above them as though in concentration. “Let me help you, Yuuri. We started this together, so let’s also end it together.”

Yuuri nods briefly, and Viktor returns it with a nod of his own before gently running his hand down Yuuri’s chest and stomach, almost teasingly ticklish in its manner, to between them, near where they’re joined to take a hold of Yuuri’s cock and starting to stroke it in earnest.

“Vitya…! Vitya, I…!”

“I know, solnyshko, I know,” Viktor murmurs, pressing a kiss to Yuuri’s lips and staying down so their noses are touching and eyes are meeting head-on. “Come for me, Yuuri. I love you.”

Those three words are all Yuuri needs anymore to be pushed over the edge, spilling wet into Viktor’s hand with a soft cry, but he can’t even be embarrassed because Viktor is quick to follow. The twitch his cock makes inside of Yuuri as he spills into the condom sends chills down Yuuri’s spine, and as Viktor collapses on top of him, Yuuri holds him tight in his arms, kissing the side of his head and the shell of his ear softly.

The two of them stay like that, just holding onto one another, for quite some time, only moving just enough for Viktor to take his softening cock out of Yuuri and to remove and tie off the used condom. They eventually move onto their sides and under the covers, giving each other soft caresses and kisses in-between.

“So,” Viktor says as they do, reaching over to stroke Yuuri’s cheek with his thumb and smiling brightly but kindly. “Was it all you ever hoped for?”

“No,” Yuuri says, smiling as well. “It was so much better,” he says, and gives Viktor a kiss.

…

**v-nikiforov**

Scandinavium Arena, Gothenburg, Sweden

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❤ 2,827 likes

**v-nikiforov** Thank you everyone, as always, for your support this season. I wouldn’t be holding this gold medal without you. Congratulations to @y-katsuki for the silver, too! #GothenburgWorlds

View all 418 comments 

**iceicelady** congratulations, Viktor! It was a wonderful comeback! Tell Yuuri congratulations too, he did really well!

**vityaswoman** thank god the gold went where it was meant to go at least.

**knifeshoes** Always nice to see you supporting Yuuri @v-nikiforov ;).

            **quadflipped** This ship sails itself.

            **knifeshoes** Did you see the pics from the press conference? They could barely take their eyes off each other!

            **quadflipped** I KNOOOOOW. I swear to god Yuuri had a boner on the podium! Wonder who could’ve caused that…

            **knifeshoes** To be a fly on Viktor’s wall tonight…

            **vityaswoman** katsuki was just bein his usual creepy self. dont drag vitya into it.

            **juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** honestly, im pretty sure if viktor ever read any of your comments, he would despise you. everyone can see hes pretty much becoming yuuri-chans biggest fan. so you best shut your fat mouth.

**glasshearts** You guys look so beautiful and happy together :).

**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** congratulations on your silver yuuri-chan! :D. youre doing amazing sweetie!

3 hours ago

…

Despite the fact that even now the two of them are on borrowed time, Viktor and Yuuri don’t rush into having a second round. After all, it’s been a long few days for the both of them and they’re admittedly quite exhausted. They shower together again, washing each other gently, and change into just underwear and t-shirts to hang around in bed for a while. Viktor orders them room service for dinner and Yuuri indulges himself in the delicious fried food, celebrating the start of the off-season. For dessert they tuck into the chocolates Viktor got for Yuuri, and they almost seem to melt in Yuuri’s mouth, sweet beyond belief after denying himself treats for so long.

Honestly, Yuuri prefers doing it this way; slowly, unhurried, gentle. It almost seems to create the illusion that he and Viktor are not in any rush, that there are plenty of days to come for them to be and spend together. It makes the looming separation and the long summer ahead seem a little less real, and Yuuri wants nothing more than to not have to think about that. He distracts himself by browsing social media and answering a few text messages from home and from Phichit while cuddling with Viktor under the covers, until the exhaustion finally begins to overwhelm him and he physically can’t keep his eyes open any longer. He doesn’t fight the oncoming sleep, feeling safe and comforted in Viktor’s arms and in his warmth.

…

When Yuuri stirs from his sleep the next morning, it is to Viktor stroking his hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Comforted by the knowledge the two of them don’t have anywhere to be this morning and can just enjoy themselves and their closeness, Yuuri lets himself enjoy being groomed for a while longer, huddling closer up against Viktor’s warmth in his half-asleep state.

“Good morning, solnyshko,” Viktor murmurs into his hair, having felt him shift. “I thought we could order breakfast in today. Do you want anything in particular?”

“Mmm, pancakes,” Yuuri sleepily murmurs into Viktor’s shirt. “With syrup and sugar. I want to keep enjoying the off-season.”

“Of course, Yuuri,” Viktor says, and shifts a little to reach for the phone on his bedside table to call for room service. Almost subconsciously, Yuuri follows him, not wanting to lose his source of heat and comfort, snuggling up against Viktor again as Viktor orders them some food. He lets the gentle soft rumble of Viktor’s words lull him back into the soft haze of peace, feeling almost ready to fall back asleep right here and now, comfortable as he is.

It’s not until Viktor hangs up the hotel phone, turning off the calming noise of his voice that Yuuri’s thoughts begin to run slightly more vividly, enough so for a rather specific one to hit him enough to wake him up for good.  

“What does that word mean?” Yuuri asks, finally opening his eyes and making his peace with waking up for the day. Viktor is lying beside him again, hair mussed up from the night and his eyes gentle. It makes Yuuri want to kiss him, but he refrains because he wants to hear the answer and doing that might derail this conversation.

“What word?” Viktor asks softly.

“That word you’ve been calling me. ‘Solnyshko,’” Yuuri says, carefully enunciating the word for himself, before pausing to consider something. “And I think you called me something else before too.”

“Zolotse,” Viktor nods, before his brows furrow in the tiniest of frowns. “Do you…dislike it? Should I cease using those words?”

“No,” Yuuri hurries to say, shaking his head and sitting up a little bit more. “I would just like to know what they mean. Are they Russian?”

“Yes,” Viktor says. “I thought I could have a nickname to call you, since you technically have one that you call me.” He smiles. “’Solnyshko’ means ‘my sun.’ Zolotse means ‘my gold,” although in general it can merely mean ‘my darling.’”

Yuuri’s heart skips a beat, jumping right into his throat. It feels almost incomprehensible that anyone, let alone Viktor, would use such terms to refer to him, like he’s something so bright, beautiful and precious as sunshine or gold.

“Why?” The words escape Yuuri’s lips before he can even properly comprehend it, like a small brush of wind. “Why did you choose those names for me?”

“Because you brought sunshine back into my life, Yuuri,” Viktor says very seriously, as if hoping his tone might make it easier for Yuuri to believe him. And strangely, it actually seems to. “And because you’re the most precious thing I’ve ever gained in my life,” Viktor continues, leaning over to give Yuuri a soft kiss. Afterwards, he brushes their noses together gently, and whispers softly, “You gave me life and love; something I don’t think I can ever quite repay you for. I can’t even put into words all that you’ve done for me. I’m finally happy again, because you’ve come into my life. That’s why I couldn’t think of better names to call you.”

It’s all almost too much for Yuuri to hear, and it’s more than enough to push him over the edge of his self-control. And because he now can, almost overwhelmed with love and affection, Yuuri is quick to give into his desires and surges forward to capture Viktor’s mouth in a passionate, deep kiss. Viktor kisses him in return, stroking down Yuuri’s back from the top of his head until his hand can rest on his bottom, a solid and warm weight of comfort and yet teasing in equal measure.

Yuuri can taste Viktor’s morning breath on his lips again, and he smells of sleep, the hotel sheets and the mix of the two of them together. It’s still so incredible to get to be with him like this, to experience him like this, that if it wasn’t for the feeling and the smell of it, Yuuri could almost think he was still asleep. It reminds Yuuri of their first morning here in Gothenburg and what happened then. He lets the mood and the feeling of that wash over him, enjoying the warmth and the closeness of all the sensations he has as his cock begins to harden in his underwear. Because of the light way he and Viktor are dressed, he can feel Viktor growing hard in return against his leg as well, but regardless, Yuuri feels little to no urge to rush anything forward. In fact, he enjoys being able to take it so slow, like he can just savor the experience and Viktor, and take his time with them.

The two of them make out lazily in this manner for a while, running their hands across each other’s bodies softly, not even making a move to take off their clothes yet. Yuuri relishes in the gentle warmth of it all, caressing Viktor’s neck and hair with his fingertips and enjoying the tremors he can feel them cause. Viktor himself teases Yuuri’s nipples through his shirt, and Yuuri’s just about to suggest that he could maybe take it off when there is a knock on their door.

“Room service!” comes a voice from the hotel room door, causing the two of them to cease in their exchange of kisses for the moment.

“That’s our breakfast,” Viktor says, gently shifting beneath Yuuri, who quickly takes the hint and rolls off him. “I’ll go get it.”

Yuuri sighs, running his hand down his face in disappointment, but he is rather hungry and thirsty and it might not be the worst idea to eat something before possibly coming back to their interrupted activities. It also might not hurt to use the bathroom, so he goes to do that while Viktor talks to the hotel worker. When he still hasn’t returned to the bedroom area of their hotel room by the time Yuuri comes back, Yuuri heads for the living room area instead, where he quickly spots Viktor on the couch, the table tray set in front of him where the coffee table used to be. Viktor has apparently moved it to the side, and is already sipping on a glass of orange juice.

Viktor smiles as he looks up at Yuuri. “I thought it best we eat here, rather than in bed. It wouldn’t be ideal if we got it all dirty.”

Yuuri smiles a little, and takes a seat next to Viktor on the couch as a sign of agreement. He’s quite pleased to see there are indeed pancakes for him to eat, but also eggs and crispy bacon. The smell of grease, sugar and salt is unmistakable and irresistible, and it’s more than enough to make his mouth water and his stomach growl.

“It sounds like it was a good timing after all,” Viktor chuckles. Yuuri blushes, but he accepts the glass of orange juice Viktor hands to him. “A toast. To our success.”

“To us,” Yuuri says, smiling, and clinks his glass gently and a little playfully against Viktor’s before taking a sip. The taste is fresh and a wonderful mix of sweet and sour, and it soothes his dry throat and mouth going down, so much that Yuuri can’t help but let out a small sigh.

After that, he doesn’t hold back anymore and just focuses on his breakfast for a while. Viktor does the same, and the two of them don’t really talk other than complimenting the food to each other in-between bites. Viktor gives Yuuri some bacon off his plate and Yuuri feeds him bits of his pancakes from the tip of his own fork. It’s all again so normal and domestic; such a couple-like thing to do, eating breakfast together and feeding one another small bites that Yuuri’s heart swells with it, filling his insides with warmth and light.

“I must admit, I am glad to finally be able to enjoy some good food for once,” Viktor says, as the two of them are finishing up the last of their bites. “I can only drink so many smoothies in the morning before it grows tiresome.”

“Me too,” Yuuri says. “This is the one thing I really love about the off-season, even if it means I gain a little weight.”

“I know being in top shape is of essence for people like us, but let me assure you that you’re gorgeous in any size, zolotse,” Viktor says, and leans over to give him a gentle kiss.

Yuuri smiles at Viktor’s words, but it seems that almost as soon as he does, it falls from his face with a sudden thought. With the two of them talking about the off-season, it suddenly becomes increasingly difficult for his mind to keep out all the unwanted thoughts about what that means, what he’s been doing his best to tell himself isn’t happening. But the truth of the matter, no matter how much Yuuri may want to deny it, is that time isn’t stopping for anyone, not even him and Viktor, and soon the two of them will have to separate once more, and this time for many months. It will be the longest separation they’ve had yet as a couple, and even the ones before have been almost soul-crushing in how difficult they are to get through. How is Yuuri supposed to bear it going forward? How can the two of them survive it?  _ Can  _ they even survive it?

“Yuuri?” Viktor asks softly, reaching over to gently touch his face, to tuck a stray lock of hair behind his ear as if to see his face better. “What’s wrong? You seem upset.”

Yuuri sighs, setting his empty plate down back on the table tray, a lump beginning to form in his throat that is suddenly making it hard for him to breathe. “I’ve been avoiding thinking about the off-season,” he admits, barely being able to choke the words out, tears beginning to gather in his eyes. “I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to ruin the time we have with that. I didn’t want to think about what it would mean for us. But now…” his voice breaks, and suddenly it’s all Yuuri can do to choke down a sob.

“Oh, Yuuri,” Viktor says, and Yuuri can hear him setting his plate away as well before he moves close enough to Yuuri that he can wrap his arms around him, warm and solid and grounding. “I understand. It’s hard for me to let you go as well. I can barely bear the thought.”

Yuuri buries his face in Viktor’s shoulder, holding him back tight in return, gripping the thin material of his t-shirt in his fists. He breathes Viktor in, trying to steady himself with the smell of him. Tears have yet to escape his eyes, and even as his breaths come out short and his throat closes up, he does his best not to let them fall. He can cry all he wants when they really do have to go their separate ways. Until then, he doesn’t want to taint the time he has to spare with Viktor with his sorrow and his tears.

“Just…” Yuuri breathes, trying to grasp for stability for his emotions, steadiness for his voice. “How am I going to stand it? I won’t see you for months, and when I finally will it’ll again be in-between everything else that is going on with the competitions. I feel like my life is just becoming one enormous waiting period; waiting to get to see you and then dreading the time when I’ll have to let you go again.”

“I feel the same way,” Viktor murmurs into his hair, holding onto Yuuri so tight it almost hurts, like he wants to never let Yuuri go any further than this. “I don’t regret being with you, solnyshko, never that, but…I don’t think either one of us realized how difficult this was all going to be.”

“I don’t regret it either, Vitya,” Yuuri says, his voice a little muffled by Viktor’s shirt. “I love you. I want to be with you. The only problem is that I want that all the time, and not just the few occasions we get to have.”

After that, neither of them seems to be able to find the words to say to make it better. There probably are none. All they can do is just be silent and mourn their separation together for a while, holding onto each other tight through it all until the storm of worst emotions passes, they can momentarily forget again and move forward.

Finally, Viktor whispers into Yuuri’s hair, “When I return to St. Petersburg, I’ll try and figure out if there could be a way for us to see each other over the off-season. I sometimes do ice shows, although I haven’t participated in one for a while now. Perhaps it’s time that I do, and you can come see me and the show. Even if someone were to spot you there, we can say you’re there to support me as a friend and in order to be inspired for the upcoming season.”

“That sounds great,” Yuuri murmurs, letting out a sigh of relief that seems to untangle the knot forming in his gut at least a little. Just the thought he won’t perhaps have to go through all the time ahead of them before the new figure skating season without seeing Viktor is enough for now. He closes his eyes in contentment, and despite all his efforts, can feel a few tears slip out as he does. Yuuri dries them into Viktor’s shirt, hiding them away from the world, before raising his head to look Viktor in the eyes. “Until then though, let’s not talk about this again. I want to be able to enjoy what time we have left here. We should just focus on making as many memories as possible to cherish for the harder days ahead of us.” 

Viktor blinks slowly a few times, before a tender, soft smile slowly breaks out on his lips once more. “You’re right,” he says, and leans down to give Yuuri a kiss.

Although it starts out as a gentle, soft peck, Yuuri is quick to decide he’s done wasting any more time, taking control of it and deepening the kiss, adding passion and pressure and tongue to it. He meant his words after all. He wants to keep making memories, and they’ve had their breakfast now. He wants to finish what they were about to start earlier, and to experience as much of Viktor as he possibly can before he has to leave him.

Viktor responds to his efforts eagerly as always, and it doesn’t take them long before they are once again making out and grinding together in their light clothes on the couch. Yuuri wouldn’t mind otherwise but the couch was clearly not built for this purpose. It is far too small for the two of them to be lying on it, even on top of each other as they are, and he’s honestly having trouble maintaining his position and balance. Finally, as he’s almost about to fall off of Viktor, Yuuri momentarily breaks off their kisses to say, “Should we get back to bed?”, still keeping his nose touching Viktor’s, their eyes meeting head on, soft and lowered.

“We should,” Viktor says, and there is a playful lilt in his smile that makes it easy to respond to.

Yuuri gets up first, and then helps Viktor to his feet by the hand. They rush into the bedroom area still holding hands, swinging them playfully as they go along, unable to put a stop to the grins on their faces. As they make their way to the bed, Viktor jumps on the bed on his back and pulls Yuuri along on top of him, causing Yuuri to let out a surprised laugh. Once he has the chance to calm down again and just _look_ at Viktor, he can’t help the fact that his breath catches in his throat. Viktor’s face is gazing back up at him with such tenderness and affection, but at the same time, it’s all mixed with very keen and open _want_ , his face flustered and his pupils wide, that it makes both Yuuri’s heart and his cock jump.

“Yuuri,” Viktor says softly, reaching up to brush Yuuri’s hair off his face. “Would you like to make love to me?”

“ _ Yes _ ,” Yuuri sighs, and leans down to kiss Viktor almost desperately for a while, caressing down Viktor’s neck and arms and chest as Viktor does the same for his shoulders and back, his hands ending at Yuuri’s waist and then beneath his shirt. Yuuri takes it as his cue to gently remove his lips from Viktor’s, moving his hand to cradle his face. “Just, please…guide me through it. I want to make it good for you, Vitya.”

“It’s with you, I know it will be good regardless,” Viktor says softly, gently stroking down Yuuri’s bare back beneath his shirt.

“Still. I don’t want to hurt you. I have the basic idea of what to do, but just…you have to let me know if it’s uncomfortable, too, since I also had to do the same for you.”

“I will, darling,” Viktor says, leaning up to give Yuuri a soft kiss. “For now, though, why don’t you take your clothes off and I’ll get the lube and the condoms?”

Yuuri can feel his cheeks warm up a little, still a bit unused to be talking about all this so frankly and openly, but he gathers himself quickly enough and nods empathically at Viktor. Afterwards, he moves off just enough so that Viktor can reach over to the drawer in his bedside table and Yuuri can begin to remove his shirt and boxers, letting them fall on the floor and out of the way.

When he turns around again, now completely bare, his breath catches again and he has to swallow around the sudden dryness in his throat at what he sees. Viktor is right there, casually leaning against the bed headboard in the nude, his muscles gleaming beautifully in the morning light. He has bent one leg at the knee and is holding onto it softly with the hand on the same side, letting the other leg rest down on the bed. The smile he gives Yuuri is warm and genuine, but there is a spark in his eyes that promises nothing but pleasures of the flesh. He’s the most beautiful, entrancing thing Yuuri has ever seen.

“Come here, Yuuri,” Viktor says, his smile widening into its heart shape and the spark in his eyes turning warmer. “Come make love to me.”

Yuuri doesn’t need to be told twice, and he practically trips over himself making his way across the bed to kiss Viktor. Viktor responds to it eagerly, soon enough pulling Yuuri to lie on top of him again by wrapping an arm around Yuuri’s waist. Yuuri keeps kissing him, deep but gentle, cradling the side of Viktor’s face in his hand. He doesn’t rush anything about what he’s doing, again wanting to take his time and savor this. Yuuri also wants to make sure it is a good experience for Viktor, that he’s relaxed and feels loved all through it. Knowing the story of Viktor’s first time, Yuuri more than anything wants to erase any doubts he may have that this is just about physical pleasure for him. This is about him and Viktor, how much they love each other, and Yuuri is going to show him that with everything he does with his body. No matter what might happen in the future, he hopes Viktor can look back on this and remember how much he was loved and cherished.

As Yuuri keeps kissing Viktor, passionate and intimate, he slowly also proceeds to stroke his body down with gentle but meaningful touches, down his arms and chest and stomach. He keeps his touches soft and light, enjoying the way Viktor whines into his mouth, before finally reaching for Viktor’s cock. Yuuri’s gentle with that as well, almost to the point of teasing, but Viktor seems to enjoy it based on the moans and sighs he makes against Yuuri’s lips. Yuuri sucks his tongue in return, getting lost in all of it; in Viktor’s warmth, smell and sounds. He lets the thought of giving Viktor as much pleasure as possible, making this as good of an experience for him as he can, all the while showing him how much he loves him with his touch. Viktor made his first time so wonderful. The least Yuuri can do is try his best to return the favor.

Eventually, Viktor breaks off from the kiss. Yuuri panics momentarily, thinking he might’ve done something wrong, but when he stops moving his hand, all Viktor does is groan in frustration.

“Yuuri, please…please stop teasing me already…” he says as he leans his head down to place kisses on Yuuri’s chest and nipples.

Yuuri suppresses a shiver at the pleasurable sensation, and says, “Alright.”

As promised, Yuuri finally pulls the lube and the condoms Viktor took out earlier closer to the two of them from where they were tossed to the side. Yuuri quickly takes off the cap of the lube bottle behind Viktor’s back and squirts some of the clear liquid on his fingers, warming it up in them. “Lay back, I’m going to start prepping you.”

Viktor pouts, as if having to stop kissing Yuuri’s chest is some kind of a personal punishment, but he does as asked, spreading his legs for Yuuri as he does. It gives Yuuri a very clear first view of that intimate part of Viktor, and just the thought of that and what it means is enough to make both Yuuri’s heart and his cock jump. Viktor’s hole is pink and puckered up, and Yuuri’s cheeks are practically throbbing with blood as he realizes it’s the same color as Viktor’s nipples. Enchanted by the thought, he swallows around his dry throat, and reaches for it with his lubed fingers almost without thinking about it. He keeps the first touch to Viktor’s rim gentle and experimental, but it’s still enough to send a jolt through Viktor’s body, which in turn is enough to startle Yuuri to proper attention.

“Are you okay?” he asks, worry settling as a frost at the pit of his stomach.

“Yes,” Viktor sighs, his cheeks pink and his eyes looking a little glazed over. “I’d just…I’d just forgotten. How good it could feel.”

Yuuri blushes, but swallows again to gather his wits. “Should I continue then?”

“Please do.”

Yuuri’s face is still tingling with blood, but he continues rubbing at Viktor’s rim with his fingers, entranced by the way it seems to flutter and relax further at his touches. At the same time, he can hear Viktor’s breathing starting to grow erratic somewhere above him, and Yuuri can also clearly see the way his cock and balls begin to grow flustered and hard with expectation, already leaking precome. Yuuri takes that as his encouragement, leaning in a bit closer to press a kiss to Viktor’s knee before slowly, gently, experimentally slipping the tip of his index finger inside Viktor’s hole.

“Yuuri…!” Viktor gasps. “More, Yuuri, please.”

Yuuri swallows around the newly-formed lump in his throat, but keeps pushing gently inside, trying to remember what Viktor himself did to him yesterday to make it feel good. It’s a bit hard to concentrate on anything but the warm softness of Viktor’s insides that he can feel around his finger and imagining how that might feel around his cock, but Yuuri does his best to keep a clear head. He decides to take a page out of Viktor’s book and shifts his position so he’s laying more on top of Viktor again, just close enough that he can to attach his mouth to his neck and ear to distract him from any possible discomfort. It seems to work, because Viktor’s breaths begin to come out high, hitched and short, his face and neck completely flushed and his arms around Yuuri as Yuuri gently keeps touching his walls and opening him up.

“You’re such a tease, Yuuri,” Viktor gasps out between breaths. “I never knew you had this kind of a side.” 

“I’m not teasing,” Yuuri argues against Viktor’s neck, even as he enjoys the way the vibrations make Viktor’s skin break out in goosebumps. “I just want to be gentle with you.”

“This is not even gentle anymore, darling,” Viktor says, but there is laughter in his dark-blown eyes and voice. “This is just cruel in a whole new way.”

“Sorry,” Yuuri murmurs. “Are you ready for another finger?”

“Yes,” Viktor says, and Yuuri takes out his one finger to coat it and another one in a more lube, before softly and slowly prodding both of them inside Viktor again, coating his velvety walls in lube and delicately stretching them. All the while Yuuri keeps kissing and sucking on Viktor’s neck, stroking down his side with his free hand to try and comfort him and keep him close. Viktor is trembling in his arms almost consistently now, unable to even keep his eyes open for the most part, so Yuuri figures he must be doing something right. Still, he remembers the way it felt when Viktor first touched his prostate and in-between stretching him tries to find that spot inside of Viktor, too. He can feel it when he finally touches the right spot, not just because Viktor lets an almost inhuman noise escape his throat and the way he jolts up, but also because it feels slightly different than the rest of Viktor’s insides. Almost out of sheer curiosity, Yuuri keeps stroking him there, as if for comparison.

“Yuuri…!” Viktor groans in his arms, and as Yuuri looks up there are tears of frustration glistening in the corners of Viktor’s eyes, his brows furrowed. “You really are awful.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri says, and removes his fingers from Viktor’s prostate, sighing. “I’m not very good at this, am I?”

“That’s not the issue here,” Viktor says, his tone softer and his eyes kinder. He places a comforting, warm hand on Yuuri’s shoulder. “Rather, you’re a bit  _ too  _ good. And too slow as well.”

“I don’t want to rush it,” Yuuri says. “And I want it to be good for you.”

“It is, Yuuri, it is,” Viktor says, and gives him a gentle smile. “But please, just more forward with it already. You can add another finger.”

Yuuri searches Viktor’s face for any reason to doubt his words, but only finds unadulterated lust and desire, and so he takes his fingers out again, adds more lube, and then brings three of them inside Viktor, adjusting so he can now latch onto the other side of Viktor’s neck and hold onto his hand with his free one. He occasionally graces at Viktor’s prostate but he doesn’t abuse it anymore, keeping his attention in stretching him and kissing his neck. Regardless, Viktor keeps trembling in his arms and his breaths come out short, until he finally murmurs, “Yuuri, I’m ready already. Please, make love to me now.”

And Yuuri is hardly in a position to deny Viktor anything, let alone that, so he takes out his fingers for the final time and moves to put on a condom. Once done with that, he coats his cock in lube as well, before positioning himself above Viktor and his cock at his hole.

“Are you sure you want this?” he asks Viktor, looking him directly in the eyes, and reaching to take his hand again with his clean one, entwining their fingers together.

“Yes, Yuuri,” Viktor sighs, his pupils blown wide and his tone almost desperate. “Please, make love to me.”

Yuuri nods. “Tell me how to do it, how you like it. I want to make you feel good.”

“Push inside of me first, and I’ll guide you forward,” Viktor says, his expression playful, and it’s all the incentive Yuuri needs anymore. He pushes the tip of his cock inside, and it’s only through biting his lip very hard and clutching onto Viktor’s hand that he doesn’t lose his self-control and push all the way inside immediately to that soft, inviting heat. Even pushing the tip inside feels so good; it’s like nothing he’s ever felt before and nothing like his own hand. But he keeps telling himself this is about Viktor, that he can’t be selfish about his pleasure, and so he waits.

“It’s alright, Yuuri,” Viktor says, reaching up with his free hand to first stroke down Yuuri’s hair and then to settle at the back of his neck. “You can come fully inside of me. I want you to.”

Yuuri nods, and leans down to latch his lips onto Viktor’s in a deep, passionate kiss, before gently, slowly easing himself inside of Viktor, almost losing himself in how amazing it is. It feels so good, but just like the night before, he also loves the way it feels like he and Viktor are joined up together as close as they can humanly possibly be. He pours all of that feeling, all of his love, into his kisses and the way he holds Viktor’s hand, just remaining still for a moment inside of Viktor to let the both of them get used to the sensation of it.

Eventually, Viktor breaks the kiss apart to look him in the eyes, caressing the hairs at the back of his neck. “Yuuri, I love you, but please,  _ move  _ already. I don’t think I can stand any more waiting.”

Yuuri can’t help the chuckle that escapes him, and he gives Viktor a soft kiss. “As you wish, Vitya,” he says, and moves his hips experimentally in a short, gentle thrust.

The movement is enough to cause Viktor’s let out a sudden breath. “Please, more. You can move faster. Please, Yuuri.” Yuuri does, beginning to move faster and faster with each thrust, kissing all over Viktor’s neck as he does until his breaths come out in those little hitching sounds and he can’t seem to stop babbling. “Oh, Yuuri, you’re so good to me, you feel so good, so amazing, please don’t stop…!”

“Vitya…” Yuuri murmurs, kissing Viktor. ”I love you, I love you, I love you...” he can’t seem to be able to say anything else, too lost in the sensations of it all. He’s not even thinking about much anymore, just letting his body and the way Viktor reacts to whatever he does guide him. It seems to work well based on the redness of Viktor’s face, his blown pupils, and the way he seems to be almost drooling with pleasure.

“Yuuri, Yuuri, I’m going to…!” Viktor gasps out.

“Me too, Vitya,” Yuuri sighs, squeezing Viktor’s hand and taking a hold of his cock. “Let’s do it together, okay?”

“Yes,” Viktor says, and latches their mouths together again. Yuuri thrusts in a few more times, before his vision goes white behind his eyelids and the heat building up in his belly releases into the condom. It seems enough to send Viktor over the edge as well, because he gasps into Yuuri’s mouth, tenses up momentarily, letting Yuuri feel his wet release in Yuuri’s hand, before Viktor goes completely lax and boneless beneath him.

Yuuri gives him a few more affectionate kisses before softly slipping out of Viktor, removing the condom and tying it shut. He tosses it somewhere on the floor, before gathering a sweaty Viktor, still trying to catch his breath, into his arms and pressing gentle, affectionate kisses on his cheeks, nose and brow.

“That was wonderful, Yuuri,” Viktor sighs next to him, turning enough so he can wrap his own arms around Yuuri and affectionately look him in the eyes. “You’re wonderful. Amazing. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Vitya,” Yuuri says, pressing a soft kiss to Viktor’s lips. “Thank you for showing me this side of you as well.”

“Thank you, Yuuri,” Viktor sighs contently, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

…

Viktor and Yuuri spend much of the rest of that day in bed, ordering in room service and watching movies between making love as many times as they can until they’ve completely soiled themselves and the sheets. Yuuri’s rather embarrassed when Viktor has to call the front desk to send up some extra sheets so they can comfortably sleep in the bed at night, but otherwise Yuuri has absolutely no regrets. After all, tomorrow the two of them will have to return to the real world, at least for a bit, and he’s just grateful he got to experience as much of Viktor as possible before that.

Indeed, the next day, after a morning round of lovemaking, is spent giving out some final words to the press about the whole season and the plans for the next one and the off-season, the exhibition skates and some additional sight-seeing for the fans. Yuuri makes sure to wear turtlenecks and Viktor’s cover-up to hide the numerous lovebites all over his neck and chest and torso, but it’s all in all a pretty good day.

In the evening, Yuuri and Viktor attend the banquet once again, and Viktor introduces Yuuri to a number of people, including a representative of Burberry who seems strangely interested in having Yuuri model in a variety of their clothes during the off-season, including a men’s suit. Yuuri has a feeling Viktor directed him to them on purpose.

“You need a good suit,” is all Viktor says when Yuuri asks him about it, almost cheekily sipping his glass of champagne. “I have a feeling you’ll especially need it if we are to see each other during the off-season. Don’t doubt that I intend to spoil you quite a bit then.”

“Please don’t spend too much money,” Yuuri begs. “I’d feel too guilty.”

“Yuuri, I have more money than I know what to do with. Spoiling you will hardly make a difference,” Viktor says, but when he looks over at Yuuri, he sighs in resignation. “But fine, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I’ll do my best to reel myself in.”

Yuuri rewards him for that with several dances during the night, and two more rounds of lovemaking once they get back to their room. They take their time with each other that night, touching, looking and caressing, as if to commit each other into memory. This will, after all, be the last time in a while that they’ll be able to do this, since Yuuri is going back to Detroit the next morning.

“I love you,” Yuuri murmurs as Viktor moves gently inside of him. “And I know I’ve said this before, but…I wish we could just stay like this forever.”

“I wish that too,” Viktor says, leaning down to kiss him softly. “I’ll see you soon, though. I’ll make sure of it. Until then, keep working hard, darling. I imagine much schoolwork awaits you back in Detroit.”

It’s so strange to be talking so casually while Viktor is inside of him that Yuuri has to laugh and hug Viktor at the same time, just so he doesn’t cry.

The two of them don’t really sleep that night, even after they’re done making love. They don’t talk much either, instead just looking at each other and caressing each other’s bare skin until they finally can’t keep their eyes open anymore.

Once morning finally arrives, Viktor wakes up with Yuuri despite their late night. They order in one more round of breakfast, and after they’re done eating, Viktor helps Yuuri pack. They don’t talk much, but Yuuri prefers it that way. There are no words that are going to make this okay, and he’d rather not be reminded of what this morning means until he absolutely has to be. He just dresses in comfortable clothes for his upcoming flight, and then proceeds to kiss Viktor goodbye for several minutes.

“I have to go now,” Yuuri finally whispers, checking the clock in the hotel room, even as the words feel like a stab to his heart.

“I know,” Viktor says softly, leaning down to give him one last gentle kiss. “Text me when you land in Detroit, alright?”

Yuuri nods, biting his lip and swallowing hard so he doesn’t break down in tears in front of Viktor. He knows Viktor would try to comfort him and then he’d never be able to leave. So instead, he grabs his backpack and takes a hold of his bag’s handle, turning his back to Viktor and opening the hotel room door.

“Bye, Vitya. I love you,” he says, taking one last look at Viktor’s dear face over his shoulder. His eyes look a little too bright in the light flooding in from the corridor.

“I love you too, Yuuri. Have a safe flight.”

Yuuri nods, before forcing himself to tear his eyes away from Viktor’s and making his legs move beneath him, away from Viktor.

It’s the hardest separation yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, we finally move past this particular figure skating season of this fic :).
> 
> Please note that falling in love or getting into a relationship does not actually make one's mental illness go away, even if it can be a wonderful additional support. If you start to feel like you can't get anything done, you're more tired than usual, and nothing feels good or fun anymore, please reach out to your loved ones and consider seeking out actual professional help.
> 
> We have banner art now, by Caramelcheese/Caremelycheesyarts, which can be found [here](http://caramelycheesyarts.tumblr.com/post/171874677237/its-wednesday-i-had-the-pleasure-of-making-the). Thank you so much once again! <3.


	12. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry, I know it's been a few months since my last update, but a bunch of stuff happened and I got caught up in the tide ^^;. Honestly, things are still happening, but I am determined to see this fic to its end, especially since we're getting closer and closer to it. However, I can't promise there will be regular updates like before. I can't say how often I'll update from now on. But I refuse to quit on this fic, so please keep supporting me till the end!

Yuuri goes back to Detroit with a heart heavy with longing for Viktor, a Worlds silver medal and a pile of schoolwork waiting for him upon his return. Yuuri finds he doesn’t actually mind the last one, though, because focusing on school is at least a way for him to keep busy and not constantly mourn the distance between him and his boyfriend. Especially now, when the skating season is over and Yuuri can’t utilize the ice to distract himself as much.

It helps, however, that school is not the only thing requiring his attention soon after his return. It seems his and Viktor’s rounds at the banquets have started paying off, because Yuuri soon gets an offer from Burberry, to model their latest line of slender men’s suits. It’s good money and, as Viktor had predicted, he will also get to keep the suits he agrees to model. So he and Celestino are quick to negotiate a deal for Yuuri.

So, there are photo shoots that follow. Yuuri feels stiff and uncomfortable in front of the cameras and all the people looking at him and directing him, but he has to admit that he looks rather amazing in the form-fitted suits he gets dressed in. He posts a few pictures on Instagram for good press, and a few additional ones for Viktor, thanking him for his help.

_ From: Vitya _

_ no need to thank me. ure the one who put in the most effort. _

_ From: Vitya _

_ u look amazing, btw <3\. cant wait to see that suit in real life ;). _

Another thing that helps Yuuri cope with the distance, even after the photoshoots finish is, once again, the other people in his life, especially those he gets to see every day, like Phichit. Being so far apart from Viktor also makes Yuuri appreciate his best friend who can constantly be in his life all the more. Indeed, Yuuri spends almost every moment he’s not studying, or talking to Viktor over electronics, with Phichit. Now, more often than not, when Phichit asks Yuuri if he wants to join him for an outing, Yuuri will agree to go, but they also keep to their movie nights and occasionally just play video games in their apartment. All of it creates a nice balance for the two of them when it comes to activities. Yuuri even agrees to accompany Phichit to another party or two, though he now brings his own non-alcoholic drinks with them, and also helps Phichit host his 17 th birthday party at their apartment. It’s just as extravagant, colorful and lively as his friend and Yuuri thinks they pulled it off very well together. Surprisingly enough, parties can be fun so long as Phichit is there by Yuuri’s side and he can leave when he wants or needs to. Yuuri even rather likes the change the parties bring to his routine and the excuse they give him to show off what he can do on the dancefloor.

With his skating practice schedule dwindling down, Yuuri actually finds himself longing to dance more and more. Dance was after all his first love, and now that he’s not pushing that love aside for skating, he can’t help but feel like he’s been neglecting that part of himself for a while and is only now giving himself a taste of it again. Even with the ballet he does for training, it has never felt quite the same in Detroit without Minako-sensei there to guide him, to push him to his limits and highlight his strengths. Yuuri still loves ballet to the point of being ready to bleed at the feet for the sake of it, but dancing feels like routine to him under his American instructor rather than a challenge. It’s always just the same thing day in and day out.

Yuuri brings it all up with Phichit over video games one Saturday, as he does most things nowadays. He’s finding that it’s generally easier for him to talk about things when neither one of them is solely focused on them, but rather something else.

Phichit’s response is a blink and a, “Well, you could go and try out some new dance styles, right? If ballet isn’t working for you here, why not try something different for a change? It might even give you an edge over the other skaters, to know more than one type of dance. I could even come with you to the classes if you want!”

Yuuri blinks as well, making a harsh curve in Mario Kart, before saying, “I think that’s a great idea. And if you wanted to come, I think it would be really fun.”

“Are you kidding? Of course I’ll come! It’ll give me something to do, too, and it can be like a thing we do together, you know? It would be a nice change of pace from all the parties and, well, this.”

Yuuri laughs, before speeding up to the finish line. “You just hate it that I always beat you at games.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.”

The two of them end up looking into local dance classes starting soon for the summer season, and after a brief discussion settle on hip hop. It feels like the furthest thing either one of them can think of from anything they’ve done before and Phichit has apparently always wanted to try it. They let Celestino know about it too so they can work out a schedule better for their summer practice and fitness, and he seems to approve of them trying out new styles that could actually improve their musicality as well.

The classes for hip hop start a few weeks later. The teacher, Zira, is a very cheerful and upbeat woman, and knows how to make dance fun in a whole different way than what Yuuri’s been used to. He likes both her and the classes a lot and Phichit  _ loves _ them. They provide a great way for the both of them to unwind, destress and escape from schoolwork. Zira pushes them and the rest of the class hard but in a gentle manner that is not very unlike Minako-sensei, and Yuuri appreciates that about her. He always feels a little bit more clear-headed and relaxed after a good and sweaty session with her, even if he sometimes swears he can feel someone’s eyes following him as he moves. He’s tried to find the source of the feeling a few times, but can never quite pinpoint who could be looking at him so intently and why. Not to mention it gets embarrassing rather fast to be looking behind himself all the time.

The hip hop classes turn out to be a good thing for more than one reason as well. Releasing any extra energy he might have helps Yuuri to miss Viktor at least slightly less, wearing himself out enough to not think about him too much. It’s especially helpful now, after all that happened and all that they did at Worlds, because they only seem to have added to the many ways Yuuri can long for him. He now not only knows what it’s like to wake up next to Viktor, and what he smells and looks like first thing in the morning, but he also knows Viktor’s touch and taste in the most intimate ways possible. It makes him miss Viktor’s warmth and kisses all the more, and now that Yuuri can actually visualize for himself what Viktor is like in bed, both his fantasies and his dreams have also grown a lot more vivid and a lot more frustrating.

Yuuri can’t help but wish someone would’ve mentioned to him that a side effect to having sex for the first time with the man you love is that you can’t stop wanting to have more of it. Sometimes when he’s not so terribly frustrated, Yuuri can laugh at himself about how it’s like when he first ate katsudon. After he’d tasted it for the first time he couldn’t get enough. It seems to be the same now for sex, because whenever Yuuri has even an ounce of energy or brainpower left, he can’t stop thinking about it. He doesn’t think he’s ever been this vigorous about masturbation, not even when he was first truly falling for Viktor and still a virgin. And at least back then he felt like he could get some proper relief from it, having not yet experienced how good it can be with another person; before he knew what Viktor’s skin tasted like and how he looks when he comes. Now, Yuuri’s own hand and fantasies just leave him frustrated and like something is missing. He much prefers sweating his frustrations out in dance class.

Yuuri and Viktor still talk, of course. The two of them text nearly every day, how much depends on the day. Sometimes it’s just a few cutesy messages if neither of them have much to say, sometimes they can text for hours, on and off. They Skype almost every Saturday now that they both have slightly less to do on their plates. But his sexual frustrations are something that still feels embarrassing for Yuuri to admit to Viktor. Yuuri’s not even certain it’s normal to want to have sex this much with someone. He doesn’t want to scare Viktor away with his appetite, or to make him feel like Yuuri is pressuring him into something.

Besides, Yuuri doesn’t really see the point in telling Viktor about it, when there’s really not much either of them can do to help the situation. Viktor is all the way in Russia; it’s not like he can do much from there, aside from maybe – and Yuuri can’t even believe he’s considering this – Skype sex. But that would be a bit difficult, given the fact that Yuuri is having trouble keeping his privacy with a roommate as it is.

Still, it helps a little to know that Viktor misses him too, and have him express it in messages and calls, even if Yuuri can’t be sure it’s quite in all the same ways as Yuuri misses him. Yuuri can see he means it too, hear it in his voice when he says it. And although he hates seeing Viktor in that sort of pain, it also feels selfishly good to be missed and cared for in that manner. It’s a relief he can share that experience and these emotions with Viktor at least, if they have to be apart, and that Viktor understands how he feels. It’s another part of their lives the two of them can share, perhaps something  _ only  _ the two of them can really truly understand. Knowing that helps ease the pain at least a little.

The two of them also share long conversations about Viktor’s plans on when they will see each other again. Viktor had indeed managed to work his way into an ice show in New York in August, although Yuuri never really had any doubts about that in the first place. What ice show would turn down Viktor Nikiforov, the arguably greatest male figure skater of all time? The ice show or Viktor being in it isn’t public knowledge yet though, so Yuuri hasn’t managed to bring it up with Celestino. He only hopes he can convince him to let Yuuri take a long weekend off and out of town. For his part, Viktor is keeping a lot of what he has planned for them a secret so he can surprise Yuuri. Yuuri just keeps reminding him not to spend too much money, which he hopes Viktor will be able to stick to.

For now, though, all he can do is wait.

…

**y-katsuki**

Detroit Dance Studio

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[Image] [Image]

**y-katsuki** Another great dance session with @phichit+chu.

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**juniorworldchampionyuurikatsuki** you guys look like youre having a lot of fun! i hope this is a great off-season for you!

**shutup &dance ** great to see you dancing! pls post some vids! ;).

**yuurisblue** Is there anything you can’t do? :O.

**phichit+chu** Let’s have fun the next time again!

**v-nikiforov** Yuuri, amazing!! 

**quadflipped** And there’s Viktor again ;).

**knifeshoes** He’s never far when Yuuri’s concerned ;). #Victuuri

**iceicelady** Hope you’re having a great time, Yuuri!

5 days ago

…

It all becomes a routine for Yuuri fairly quickly. He texts, calls, dances, studies and jerks off through the next few months in almost consistent patterns. He also keeps updating his Instagram; Phichit makes sure of that. This new routine way of living his life lasts in this way until the start of June, when Celestino’s skating summer camp students arrive at their rink and in Detroit. Most of the kids in the summer camp are Juniors or novices, but Yuuri knows a few of them by face or reputation or something else. Leo is amongst them and Yuuri shakes his hand and welcomes him in what he hopes is a warm way to their rink, before Leo goes over to hug Phichit. Leo leaving reveals a very small-sized Asian boy with brown hair and freckles, who evidently was hiding behind Leo’s back until this moment. He also seems to be in the middle of some sort of nervous breakdown, his eyes following Leo’s retreating back almost desperately.

And although Yuuri is perhaps the worst person to be left to deal with a situation like this, he also knows what it’s like to be in a whole new rink with a bunch of people you don’t know. And this kid looks super young and tiny and vulnerable, and Yuuri just can’t help but feel sorry enough for him to step a little closer and ask, “Hey, are you okay?”

The boy almost seems to jump out of his skin as he looks at Yuuri, his brown eyes growing wide and scared and his face starting to burn red.

“Do you need anything?” Yuuri asks, starting to panic a little bit himself. He does his best to mask it away from his voice so the boy won’t become even more startled. “Should I get someone?”

“Can…can I…?” the boy starts, his voice still a little squeaky like it hasn’t completely broken yet.

“Yes…?” Yuuri tries to encourage him, gesturing with his hands a little for good measure.

“Can I get a selfie with you?” the boy peeps out, holding his pink-cased phone up for Yuuri.

Before Yuuri can answer, though, the two of them are joined by Phichit and Leo, who are wearing twin grins on their faces.

“Oh, you guys already met, awesome!” Phichit says, leaning over to give the unnamed boy a hug much in the same way as Yuuri had seen him do for Leo. What’s even odder, the boy welcomes it. It’s as though the embrace makes him lose some of his earlier shyness, and he doesn’t seem to mind Phichit’s affection in the slightest in the way he wraps his own arms around Phichit in return. Then again, that’s just Phichit for you, making anyone his friend.

“Yuuri, this is Ji Guang-Hong,” Phichit says after the two of them part, placing a friendly hand on the boy’s – Guang-Hong’s – shoulder. “Guang-Hong, this is Yuuri.”

“Hey,” Yuuri says, raising his hand in a slightly awkward greeting.

“Hi,” Guang-Hong squeaks, his cheeks turning pink as he proceeds to hide his face behind his even pinker phone.

“Oh, hey, good idea, we should take a selfie!” Phichit says, his tone excited and gleeful as he spots the phone. “You know, to commemorate this occasion!”

There are a few noises of agreement from Leo and Guang-Hong and then it’s a flurry of taking several pictures with several different phones from several different angles of the four of them before Celestino calls the summer students to attention to start their first class. Yuuri and Phichit end up stretching to warm up together with Leo and Guang-Hong, who is now amicably chatting with Leo in his occasionally squeaky English, but still seeming a lot more relaxed than he was before the selfies. Perhaps the presence of people he seems to know has calmed him down.

“I met both Leo and Guang-Hong at the same summer skating camp,” Phichit murmurs to Yuuri as they do their stretches. “We’ve all kept in contact since then but I haven’t had a chance to see Guang-Hong in person since I left Juniors.”

Yuuri nods absentmindedly. “Do you think he’s okay? He seemed a little nervous earlier.”

For some reason, Phichit barks out a laugh at that. “Well, he is a little shy in general, but I think he was just a little star-struck. I think he’ll be fine with me and Leo around, and I’m sure he’ll get used to you, too.”

“Are you sure? I can keep my distance.”

“That’s nice of you,” Phichit says with a soft smile. “But don’t bother, otherwise we’ll be apart for all of the three weeks the campers are here. It’s best to just let everything run its course. It’ll be fine.”

“Okay. If you’re sure.”

It seems Phichit knows his friends though, because it only takes a few days for Guang-Hong to seem to grow comfortable enough with Yuuri around to actually speak properly and even begin to insert himself into situations involving Yuuri. He, Leo, Phichit and Yuuri end up spending quite a bit of time together during the three-week camp the two Junior boys spend in Detroit. It helps that Guang-Hong and Leo are both sweet, gentle boys who aren’t lacking in talent either, although Guang-Hong is a bit easily distracted and Leo sometimes crumbles to self-doubt on the ice.

Yuuri can understand the latter at least, and when he sees Leo struggling for the nth time in the next weeks, he can’t help but offer the only helpful advice he has for that.

“Try to just focus on your skating, not the audience or anything else,” he gently tells Leo. “If you can feel the music guiding you and letting it work through you, I’m sure you’ll do great.”

Leo looks at him with shining eyes, as if he’s just been offered the Holy Grail by Yuuri’s very own hands. “Is that what you do?”

“Usually,” Yuuri admits, huffing out an embarrassed laugh as he shrugs. “That and breathing exercises.”

“Could you help me with my triple axel?” Guang-Hong cuts in. “I’m struggling with that, and I know that’s your strongest jump.”

Yuuri blinks. “I can try. Want to show me?”

It quickly becomes another addition to Yuuri’s routine, and not just with Guang-Hong and Leo but with all the summer campers. It’s a little strange to see how much these kids seem to respect and rely on his advice and help, but Yuuri’s not so self-conscious as to understand why they do. He’s the Worlds silver medalist and has been the rising star in the horizon for the past two skating seasons. If their positions were reversed, if Yuuri found the courage to talk to someone so above him, he’d want to learn everything he could, too.

Yuuri does his best to be gentle about any advice he gives and that he doesn’t undermine Celestino’s teaching with his own. He’s no coach, just another figure skater, and he does his best to let the kids who ask for tips know that too. His advice should by no means be regarded as the be-all end-all type, when Yuuri himself is still learning. He also makes sure to point out that not all advice works for all skaters, since they’re different, and that the kids need to find out for themselves what truly works for them in the end.

Still, Yuuri finds he doesn’t mind giving tips or critique when asked. It’s not terribly unlike what he and Viktor have been doing for each other these past years, and Yuuri finds joy in seeing the summer campers flourish at least partially thanks to advice given by him. This is probably the closest he’s ever come to having the kind of relationship with his rinkmates that most figure skaters dream about; one where you all have respect for each other’s abilities, challenge one another and help each other grow. Yuuri has never had that to this degree, having only had a few specific friends in every rink he’s skated at, if that.

Leo and Guang-Hong tend to hang out with Phichit and Yuuri outside the rink, too. Yuuri and Phichit show them around Detroit and take them to see their favorite spots. Leo, being an American himself, mostly disregards all of it since he doesn’t particularly like Detroit, but Guang-Hong eagerly takes pictures of everything and asks far too complicated questions about every place that they visit. He’s almost worse than Phichit when it comes to using social media, and that is saying something. It definitely doesn’t help that his friends keep encouraging his hobby and seem to always be at the ready for selfies and tips on the best angles. Yuuri humors him too, because he prefers the excitement to the earlier nervousness, but he also does his best to be the sensible adult and make sure the younger ones don’t get into trouble and wear sunscreen when the heatwave hits Detroit. When Leo and Guang-Hong come over for sleepovers, Yuuri is also there to remind everyone that they have practice in the morning and shouldn’t stay up too late.

He wonders if this is what it’s like to be an older brother. Or a parent. He’s not sure if he prefers this to the gentle indulgence and babying everyone in Hasetsu tended to bestow upon him, because he was always the youngest in just about every group he was a part of, be it family or friends or dance classes. Either way, he finds himself quickly growing quite attached to both Leo and Guang-Hong, in a somewhat similar protective way he has with Phichit. The protectiveness Yuuri feels for them is amplified though because of their even younger ages, while the trust is not quite at the same level as with his best friend, but that is to be expected. It’s still nice to be so surrounded by people for a time. It makes things a little more exciting and a little less lonely.

Guang-Hong is also a huge fan of Viktor’s, just like Yuuri and Leo, so Yuuri tells him safe little stories about him sometimes, since by now the whole world knows Viktor and Yuuri are friends. Just getting to talk a bit about Viktor and the good times Yuuri’s had with him helps a little with the aching longing, but it also twists the knife in the gut a little bit more. It hurts to constantly be aware that Yuuri can’t tell his new friends the truth about him and Viktor. He has to leave a lot of details out for the sake of his and Viktor’s safety. They may never be able to share their love and relationship with the rest of the world. And that alone is turning out to be harder than Yuuri ever thought it could be, when all he wants is to tell everyone who cares to listen about how wonderful Viktor is and how much Yuuri loves him.

It’s in great part the secrecy that keeps tearing at him to grow the hole created by his and Viktor’s separation. Right now, Yuuri doesn’t even dare talk to Phichit about it in case someone might overhear. And besides, it would just sound like a broken record at this point. Just like with his anxiety coming and going, Yuuri is already so over and tired with missing Viktor too. He wouldn’t want to hear about it all the time either, let alone live with it as he must. At least by keeping it inside or just talking about it with Viktor, Yuuri’s not causing anyone else any more pain or inconvenience. He just wishes he could remove any negative feelings that come with loving Viktor and only leave the highs of reunions and all that they mean to each other, rather than the lows of being apart.

…

Even while the summer campers are present, Yuuri and Phichit keep attending their hip hop classes on the side. They continue beyond when they leave as well, after they’ve said their heartfelt and somewhat tearful goodbyes to Leo and Guang-Hong, and it comes as a relief because now Yuuri has more people than ever to miss scattered all across the world. He pours all of that into the dance, and the movements become like a soothing balm to his very soul.

The only problem is that Yuuri can swear he’s been feeling those eyes that seem to keep following him at the back of his head more and more, and it’s honestly starting to put him a little on edge. He’s been thinking about bringing the eyes up with Phichit, but every time he feels like he could try, he ends up not opening his mouth. He can barely understand or put into words what is making him so uncomfortable to himself, let alone to another person. And it’s not like he can just say that someone’s possible staring has been grating on him. That would just sound silly and maybe a little insane.

Unfortunately, the feeling still makes him uncomfortable enough that it starts to make going to the hip hop class feel a lot more like a chore than Yuuri likes. Yuuri still goes because he’s paid for it and not going would mean explaining to Phichit why he doesn’t want to, but every time he finds himself dreading it more and more. He still enjoys the dance itself and Zira’s preppy attitude, but the eyes at his back make it hard for him to maintain focus, and Yuuri knows he’s getting sloppy with his moves. It’s starting to make him hate the classes and he hates himself for that, too, because it was supposed to be a fun activity for him and Phichit. Not to mention that Phichit still clearly loves the classes and Yuuri just doesn’t know what to do anymore or how to make the situation better.

For a while longer, he just grinds his teeth and makes do, until one day in the first weeks of July. Yuuri’s just taking a drink from his water bottle post-class before he and Phichit are going to head back to their apartment to shower. They may be used to showering in public locker rooms as competitive athletes, but that doesn’t mean that they  _ like  _ it or prefer to do it when they’re not obligated. With the heatwave, they’re bound to get sweaty again on their way back to their apartment anyway, so it’s all the same to wait a while.

Phichit is exchanging a few words with Zira as Yuuri drinks and winds down from the dance a little. He kept feeling those eyes on him all through class again and it has him even more on edge than normal. The workout helped with that a little but he’s still eager to get out of here and he feels restless and jittery in his skin. Drinking is at least something for him to do while he waits, and he focuses on it and the way he can almost feel the water rejuvenating him, soothing his dry mouth and cooling him down. Perhaps that’s why he’s not paying quite enough attention to his surroundings and it comes as a surprise when he notices he’s no longer alone in his corner of the studio.

“Hey, Yuuri!” the stranger greets as Yuuri turns around to properly face him. He’s tall, with light brown longish hair and grey eyes, with a strong jawline, a straight nose and almost startlingly blinding teeth as he smiles as Yuuri. He wouldn’t stand out on a surfing beach in California with his lean muscles and neat hairstyle, looking almost too groomed for someone who just danced for an hour. Yuuri knows him only through appearance, not having talked to any of the other students in this class, but he can vaguely remember him joining in on the class a few weeks after him and Phichit.

“Uh…hi,” Yuuri manages, trying not to show that he’s still racking his brain for the guy’s name.

Before he can say anything more, though, Phichit is suddenly by his side, having clearly rushed over by the way he almost bumps into Yuuri’s side as he suddenly stops in his rush. He gives them both his most innocent smile that Yuuri’s long since learned to see through, jumping into the conversation as if he hadn’t just powerwalked over and had been a part of it the whole time. It’s one of the many skills and shows of fearlessness when it comes to human interaction that Yuuri really admires in Phichit.

“Hey, Matt,” Phichit says, his voice falsely sweet and sugary, and Yuuri can’t tell if it’s for the sake of acting nice in front of a person he really dislikes or something else. Still, as weird as he is being, Yuuri appreciates his presence. It’s always easier for him to navigate social situations with Phichit there by his side.

“Hey, Phichit,” Matt says, and although the smile he gives Phichit is polite, Yuuri can swear there is an edge to his eyes and his voice that he doesn’t think he likes. “Can you give us a minute? There’s something I want to ask Yuuri.”

Phichit turns his eyes on Yuuri, asking him how he feels on the matter silently with the raise of one perfectly-sculpted eyebrow. Yuuri knows that if he just indicated it even slightly, Phichit would come up with some sort of excuse for them to get out of here right now. But Yuuri was raised to be polite, and if Matt has something to say to him, he feels like he should hear him out, even if he has no idea what he could possibly have to tell Yuuri when they’ve never even spoken. So, he says to Phichit, “It’s okay. You go ahead.”

Phichit blinks a few times, as if to make sure Yuuri means his words, before nodding in resignation and grabbing his things. He places a warm hand on Yuuri’s shoulder as he prepares to leave. “I’ll wait for you outside, okay?”

“Yeah,” Yuuri answers, letting Phichit pat his shoulder a few times before he goes on his way. Yuuri wouldn’t say he’s comfortable with this situation, but he can understand that not everyone wants the biggest gossip in Detroit to be all up in their business. He figures he can come up with an excuse to leave on his own if he needs to, so he turns to Matt to face the music. “What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Well,” Matt says, and a small grin spreads on his lips and his cheeks turn a bit pink. “I was actually going to ask if you’d like to go and grab a smoothie. There’s this great place not too far from here. My treat, of course.”

Yuuri knows the place he’s talking about. He’s been there a few times after this very same class with Phichit. The smoothies there are really good and nutritious for a reasonable price, and he had actually been thinking about suggesting a visit there to Phichit today. He’s just not really sure why Matt is suddenly asking  _ him _ , and offering to pay no less, when Yuuri’s honestly surprised Matt even knows his name.

Perhaps Matt is just interested in getting to know more people from the hip hop class? That would make sense. He probably goes to get smoothies with everyone else too, and Yuuri’s just last on his list. And although Yuuri doesn’t really know what he thinks of Matt yet, he wouldn’t say no to that smoothie. Who knows, Matt might even turn out to be a cool enough guy, and Yuuri wouldn’t exactly mind having more friends in Detroit either. He sees no harm in going. He can even ask Phichit to join them to lead the conversation forward and, if needed, help them get out of the situation quickly if things get awkward or unpleasant.

“Sure. Why not,” Yuuri says, giving Matt a small smile. “Let me just get changed really quickly, and I’ll let Phichit know.”

Matt’s face spreads into a huge grin at that, and again Yuuri can’t help but be thrown by exactly how white his teeth are. They look almost luminescent in their shine, and it’s honestly kind of creepy and off-putting. But he shouldn’t judge someone by their appearance. He might still be a perfectly nice guy. “Great! I’ll wait for you at the door, then!”

Matt eagerly goes on his way before Yuuri can so much as say ‘okay’ or nod. Instead, Yuuri heads to the locker room to clean off some of his sweat so he’ll look at least slightly more presentable in public and to change into some more proper pants than the tights he dances in. Before he proceeds to do any of that, however, Yuuri takes out his phone and shoots Phichit a text.

_ From: Me _

_ Matt wants to get smoothies with us. I said yes for you, too. Is that okay? _

_ From: Phichit _

_ Sure, ill see u down here :). _

Yuuri smiles a little, and proceeds to clean up and change quickly before grabbing his things and heading out to meet Matt and Phichit at the door of the dance studio.

“Hey!” Matt greets, that same grin on his face as before. Yuuri really wishes his teeth weren’t  _ quite  _ so shiny. He can’t help but think of how much prefers Viktor’s teeth, which while neat and straight and white, definitely don’t glow like ghosts like Matt’s do. “Shall we go then?”

“Sure,” Yuuri says, a bit unnerved by Matt’s enthusiasm, but ready to follow him anyway.

“Great!” Matt says, as they start walking. “So, tell me a bit more about yourself, Yuuri. Everybody’s been wondering who you are and what you do.”

Yuuri blushes. Surely Matt is exaggerating. “There’s not really much that is interesting about me…”

“Yuuri…” Phichit cuts in, slotting his head between the two from where he’s walking behind them. “What have I said about not putting yourself down? You call being a silver Worlds medalist in men’s figure skating ‘not interesting?’”

Matt blinks down at Phichit a few times, before alternating between looking at him and at Yuuri. Yuuri, feeling rather uncomfortable under his eyes and at the sudden attention, averts his gaze to the side. He’s not sure what Matt is thinking about but he doesn’t appreciate the scrutiny. He wishes Phichit hadn’t said anything.

“So you’re a figure skater?” Matt asks eventually, a cheerful note in his tone. “What’s that like?”

Yuuri bites his lip, pondering upon his words. He may love figure skating and talking about it, but it’s also a very private part of himself; a part that he doesn’t just let anyone in on. There is more than one reason for why he doesn’t want people to watch when he practices, and even now doesn’t particularly like it when people watch him perform either. Skating has always been something he keeps very close to his heart and uses to express himself. He gives himself completely to the ice, lets his emotions run free there, even when he can’t let them out through other means. But it still doesn’t mean he wants people to see them when they’re on display. Especially when he can’t be sure that that someone watching him would even understand or care what he was saying with his performance. That would be even worse because he might have to explain it in words and there just aren’t words to say what he means when he makes his body move in a certain way on the ice. The language of the ice is only known for those who understand it, and those are the people Yuuri can share it with. He’s sure he’d just end up sounding ridiculous to an outsider, someone who doesn’t belong in the figure skating world in any way.

And Yuuri’s pretty sure Matt is one of the people who wouldn’t understand. He might not even really care what Yuuri has to say about figure skating, and that makes him even more reluctant to talk about it. Matt is probably just being polite, trying to make small talk by asking about what Yuuri does. But figure skating isn’t small talk for Yuuri, and he just doesn’t have the words to say that out loud.

“It’s okay,” is what Yuuri eventually settles on to mumble out. He pauses momentarily to consider his words, before deciding it’s probably best to try and be polite in return like Matt was trying to, and asks, “What about you? What do you do, aside from hip hop dancing?”

“I’m a tennis player,” Matt grins, revealing his strange white teeth again. “My coach suggested I take up dancing to help with my coordination. Not sure if it has helped though.” He laughs, like they’re sharing a joke.

Yuuri nods, not knowing what to say to that, or what the joke intended might be. He in general really has no idea what to think of Matt. He doesn’t think he likes the way Matt looks at him, but he likes the way he occasionally glances Phichit’s way as they walk even less. Yuuri’s pretty sure Matt’s older than he himself is and Phichit is still only 17; Matt has no business staring at someone that young so intently. Yuuri can’t even quite manage to make eye-contact with Phichit past Matt at this angle to try and ask if he’s okay. Yuuri’s beginning to regret agreeing to let him come. It’s starting to really ruin his day. He just hopes they can get this over with soon enough or think of a way to leave.

Thankfully, the three of them reach the smoothie place quickly after that, getting the uncomfortable walk over and done with at least. Matt agrees to order for everyone and pay for them, so Phichit and Yuuri go take a seat at an available table.

“You sure I’m not interrupting anything by being here?” is the first thing out of Phichit’s mouth once Matt is no longer in hearing range. “He didn’t seem to like the fact I came with you very much.”

Yuuri shrugs. “I did say I was going to ask you to come too. He said it was fine.”

“Yuuri…” Phichit sighs, shaking his head. “Are you  _ sure  _ that’s what happened? I know you’re kinda oblivious about these things but Matt’s been crushing on you at least since he first started to attend hip hop class with us. I think he was at that first party we went to; I heard from Jason he’s been asking around about you ever since he saw you dance.”

For a while, all Yuuri can do is stare. Then he blinks. And blinks again. And it seems that only then do Phichit’s words sink in, and Yuuri can feel his face beginning to burn and his ears tingle in that familiar way that tells him he’s blushing all the way up to their tips.

“Wh-what?!” Yuuri squeaks, his voice coming out embarrassingly high and loud. He quickly covers his mouth, making a note of the fact they’re in public surrounded by people who might start to pay attention to them if he’s too loud. Yuuri takes a few deep breaths, leans in closer at Phichit over the table and says in a lowered voice, “That can’t be right.”

“Trust me Yuuri, that man is far gone for you and probably thought he was making his intentions clear today. And then you accidentally invited me to what he thought would be a date, after he’s been trying to talk to you for months after class.” Phichit lets out a short, amused laugh, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Though I have to admit, it’d all be pretty funny if it wasn’t so sad.”

“Well, even if it  _ is  _ true, I’m not interested in him at all,” Yuuri says, crossing his arms almost defensively. “You know that. I’m already dating Viktor.” Though Yuuri rather thinks even if he wasn’t, Matt probably wouldn’t be his type anyway. All he feels with and around him is discomfort.

“Yeah, well, ‘I have a boyfriend in Russia I can’t tell you more about’ isn’t a very viable excuse. He’s not gonna believe that.” Phichit places his elbow on the table, holding his arm up and leaning his face on his hand, sighing. “And I don’t think he’ll give up that easily. He spent like a month looking for you after he saw you at that party, and then even longer before he could talk to you in hip hop because we always left right after.”

“Okay, okay, just…” Yuuri runs his hands through his hair, still tied up from the class. The back of his neck is starting to develop nervous cold sweats and his stomach is churning. He’s beginning to guess who has been staring at him in class so intently and it’s beginning to freak him out more than a little. “For now, can you just get us out of here? I can’t think here, not when he’s around, and I need a proper plan for this.”

“Sure thing,” Phichit winks.

Just then, Matt arrives with their drinks, and Yuuri quickly reaches out for his, making sure not to touch Matt’s hand as he takes it from him. It’s a relief to have something else to focus on than the current situation at hand.

“Terribly sorry, Matty,” Phichit says, smiling his most obvious fake angry-smile. It kind of reminds Yuuri of Viktor’s fake smile, and it makes him wish Viktor was here right now. He’d probably know what to do, and even if he didn’t, it’d be a comfort just to have him around. “But I just got a message from our coach. He wants to see us immediately, so I’m afraid we won’t be able to stay.”

“What?” Matt asks, turning to Yuuri so fast Yuuri’s amazed he doesn’t get whiplash. His eyes are blazing with something akin to fury, and although Yuuri’s been unnerved by him almost the entire time, this is the first time he feels scared of him. “Can’t Phichit take care of it? Or can’t you tell him you’re sick or something, not able to come?”

“Sorry, I can’t, I already promised I would be there,” Yuuri says, surprising even himself at how smoothly he lies, how calm he manages to sound. It probably helps that now more than ever he’s desperate to get away from here and Matt as soon as possible.

Before he can so much as blink, though, Matt reaches out to grab a hold of Yuuri’s wrist, squeezing it so tight between his fingers that’s Yuuri only barely manages not to let out a sound of pain. Matt’s eyes are still flaming with anger, his lips downturned in an unpleasant frown. “I asked you here, though. I even paid for your smoothie.”

“You can have it, if you want,” Yuuri forces out, firmly planting his drink down on the table. He pulls at his hand, and for a while is afraid Matt won’t let go, but the sudden resistance seems to take him by surprise enough that it gives Yuuri the window of opportunity to break free. It still requires some strength, but it’s not like Yuuri is lacking in that, even if his legs are where his true power lies. “I’m leaving. Come on, Phichit.”

Phichit has already grabbed both of their things, and the two of them don’t say anything else before they practically run out of the smoothie place. Yuuri doesn’t dare stop before he’s a few houses down the road, and Phichit follows him right at his heels. When they finally stop to take a few deep breaths, Phichit places his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders, pulling him into a one-armed embrace. It’s a minimal comfort, but Yuuri appreciates it nonetheless.

“I can’t go back to hip hop,” Yuuri mumbles against Phichit’s shoulder, his heart still hammering in his chest and not just from the run. He can feel his hands shaking, the cold sweats at his neck. He takes a few deep breaths, tries to focus on Phichit’s warmth against him as his anchor. “I might run into him there. And he knows I figure skate now. What if he comes to the rink? Or gets my phone number from someone?”

“Hey, hey,” Phichit says, his tone soft but firm as he strokes Yuuri’s back up and down in a comforting manner. “We’ll figure it out. I’ll talk to Ciao Ciao, tell him not to let anyone suspicious to the rink when you’re there, okay? And we’ll talk to Zira, see what she can do about Matt. We can even look into getting a restraining order, if you feel like you need to.”

Yuuri nods, still dazed and afraid, but thankful for his friend at the very least.

…

In the end, Zira throws Matt out of her class after hearing what kind of a creep he is, with a few choice words to him on his way out. It’s a great comfort for Yuuri to have someone believe him and Phichit when they tell her about him, and having her stand up to them helps him feel a bit more at ease. But even afterwards when Matt’s gone and so are the stares at the back of Yuuri’s head, hip hop just still doesn’t feel quite the same, and Yuuri can’t bring himself to relax and have fun there the way he used to in the past. Coming to class still feels like a chore every time, and he ends up feeling even worse when he goes because his lack of motivation feels like such an insult towards Zira, who has been so good to him.

Phichit notices, of course, and brings it up one day. “I think you should drop hip hop.”

Yuuri blinks. “What? I can’t do that.”

“You can and you should,” Phichit says, his voice insistent. “Look, Yuuri, I know it’s not in you to give up, but you’re making things harder for yourself than they really need to be. You’re only hurting yourself and everyone else by trying to stick it out when you don’t really have to.” He smiles. “Talk to Zira. She’ll understand.”

“But I don’t want to quit,” Yuuri insists, even though the words taste like sour lies in his mouth. “I joined that class to dance. And to spend time with you.”

“So find a different dance class. There are plenty,” Phichit says, flapping his arm through the air. “And I’ll be fine. We don’t have to spend every waking moment together. Besides, I still wanna do hip hop, but you’re kinda bringing the mood down for everyone there. You’ll be doing us a favor if you do something else, if you can’t get out of your funk.” His expression softens, and he shifts a bit closer to Yuuri on the couch, reaching over to place a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder. “Can you at least think about it?”

Yuuri licks his lips, staring down at his hands on his knees for a moment, before whispering out a quiet, “Okay.”

So he thinks it over, considering all of it from all sides. Even without the whole Matt incident, even though Yuuri liked hip hop, he must admit he never grew to love it quite the same way he loves ballet. It’s never quite lit that same burning fire inside of him for dance that he’s been looking for to add to what he already does. In truth, he’s ready to move on and try something else; something he might like more, now. He just feels like such a loser, letting Matt hold this type of power over him. Phichit is also right in that he’s not used to quitting things. Usually he needs to be told to take it easier on himself, and even then it’s hard for him to give in. It always feels such a show of weakness, letting anyone see that he needs to let himself rest.

In the end, Yuuri decides it best to talk all of it over with his therapist, so he books an appointment with Dr. Honda.

“You’re a perfectionist, Yuuri,” she says to him during the appointment, straightforward as ever. “We’ve discussed that in the past as well, and how it’s very tied together with your imposter syndrome. However, we’ve also talked about how it’s alright for you to be gentle with yourself when you need to. In all truth, it’s vitally important that you are, if you don’t want to run yourself to the ground and want to remain healthy. If continuing to dance hip hop is detrimental to your mental or physical health in any way, you shouldn’t be doing it. You have no obligation to it. You don’t have to torture yourself with it.”

“Yeah, I know,” Yuuri says, staring down at his knees, licking his lips. “It just…it just feels so pathetic of me. Nothing serious even happened, and yet I feel this way. It feels like…it feels like I’m letting him win by giving up. Or something.”

“First of all, you’re not giving up. You’re taking the necessary steps to take care of yourself,” Dr. Honda says. “Second of all, it’s not up for anyone to decide what is and isn’t serious, what does and does not rattle you. It’s all so very subjective, and we all have different experiences that shape how we react to different situations. With you, you probably felt like your safe space was violated, right? That you could no longer just be, when anyone else could be watching you like he was?”

Yuuri doesn’t know what to say, so he just swallows and nods mutely. It still sometimes catches him off-guard to see how well Dr. Honda can look inside of him and see what he’s thinking and feeling, even when he’s not quite sure himself.

“I can’t make any decisions for you, Yuuri,” she says gently. “You know that. But I highly suggest you be gentle with yourself about this and don’t blame yourself if you need to step away. It’s not weakness on your part, believe me.”

Yuuri thinks it over about a week longer, and by Dr. Honda’s suggestion, books a few more appointments with her in the near-future. But by the end of the next hip hop class, Yuuri makes up his mind and goes to talk to Zira.

“I think I want to drop out of hip hop,” he blurts out. She looks over at him, blinking a few times, and Yuuri blushes. He maybe shouldn’t have been so blunt. “I’m sorry. I just…I just feel like I need to move on. Do something else. This isn’t working out for me anymore.”

Zira smiles softly at him. “I’d noticed,” she says. “I was actually just waiting on you to talk to me first. It’ll be a shame to lose you, Yuuri. You’re a talented dancer. But I do get it, and I don’t really like seeing you so miserable in my class all the time either.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri repeats.

Zira flaps her hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. Like I said, I get it,” she says. “There is something I want to ask you about, though. Do you just want to get out of hip hop or dance altogether for the time being?”

Yuuri blinks. “Just hip hop,” he admits. “I wouldn’t mind doing something else dance-related.”

Zira smiles, but there is an edge to the way she does it that kind of reminds Yuuri of Phichit, and it makes him a little nervous. “In that case,” she says. “I have a proposition for you. And I hope you’ll hear me out even though it might sound strange.”

Yuuri swallows around his suddenly dry throat, but also can’t help the fact that he can feel the stirrings of slight intrigue, slight curiosity blooming in his gut. “What is it?”

“My girlfriend runs another class at this same dance studio,” Zira says, still smiling. “It’s a lot more exclusive than mine, for a fairly small group of people. They’re mostly dance majors or people who otherwise have heavy backgrounds in dance. I could get you in, though, if you want to. I could recommend you to her, tell her you have talent and a lot of previous dance training. You’d be amongst your own sort, and I guarantee there will be no creeps there.”

Yuuri blinks rapidly a few times, his heart pounding in his chest. It all sounds almost too good to be true. “What kind of dance is it?”

Zira’s dark eyes gleam almost dangerously. “Pole dancing.”

…

If asked, Yuuri might not be able to give a proper answer on why he agrees to go to the pole dancing class run by Zira’s girlfriend, Laurel. It seems so out of character for him to even consider it. But maybe that’s just it. Yuuri’s never been one to back down from a challenge, after all. Or maybe he was just hypnotized by Zira’s selling speech on how good pole dancing can be for strengthening your core, and that she really thinks Yuuri could benefit from both it and being around other dancers. Perhaps it’s just that it feels good to have someone who has so much faith in him as a dancer, to have someone who cares so much as to go to these lengths for him, to recommend him for an exclusive dance class. Perhaps it’s just that he really wants to try something different with his dance style.

Whatever the reason, Yuuri ends up going to the pole dancing class, and to his great surprise, he finds that he absolutely  _ loves  _ the pole dancing lessons. It’s such a unique type of challenge for him, such a raw expression of power and beauty with his body that Yuuri can’t help but compare it to his other two loves: ballet and skating, even if the technique is completely different.

Yuuri also feels so very in control of everything when he’s on the pole, almost unlike ever before. Pole dancing requires enough concentration that he really has to focus on his movements and body to manage. It helps shut his brain up for a while at least, getting to focus on just the one thing, and wears him out enough that all the unnecessary thoughts stay away even afterwards for a while. It’s a great workout that way, but it doesn’t feel nearly as private as ballet or skating. On the pole, Yuuri finds he doesn’t actually mind the attention he gets as he dances. Moving his body on the pole makes him feel like he has the whole world at his feet and like he’s powerful and sexy and desirable. He’s never felt quite like that before, and he finds he relishes in it. When Yuuri pole dances, he feels like that night he shared with Viktor all those months ago, like he’s the only thing in the room that matters, like all eyes are on him and like he’s on the top of the world. It makes him miss Viktor a little less, and yet at the same time, all the more.

Yuuri would never tell anyone, but he also enjoys the fact that pole dancing is apparently a great way to burn off most of his sexual frustrations. It leaves him tired enough to not really be able to think about sex after, but Yuuri can also pour all his sexual energies and urgencies into his performance on the pole. It feels natural and no one even blinks an eye at it. It creates some of his better practice performances and Laurel always tells him he’s doing a good job afterwards. It makes Yuuri blush, a little embarrassed, but it’s such a turn-on to do it that he can’t quite make himself not act the very same way the next time he dances.

Laurel even helps him come up with and choreograph a type of short routine that Yuuri practices and perfects over the next few weeks. As he does, he thinks about Viktor, about the way he’s always managed to surprise not only Yuuri but the audience. How he used to be such a distant figure, like a star so out of reach, but how now he’s the man Yuuri knows and loves more than anyone else in the world. He can’t help the way his thoughts turn more and more to what Viktor might say if he saw him dancing like this. He hasn’t mentioned that he switched dance classes because he didn’t want to worry Viktor with the reason why he did it. Would Viktor be surprised if he saw Yuuri like this? Would he like it? Would he think it was sexy? Yuuri always feels so sexy on the pole. He almost wishes Viktor  _ could  _ see it. It’d make the experience of the dance even better.

Despite his weariness, Yuuri jerks off after that particular session on the pole to thoughts of Viktor watching him dance his routine, finding him irresistible and desirable. It takes the edge off, but afterwards, Yuuri can’t help but feel almost hollowed out with longing. He wishes more than ever now that Viktor could be here. He wishes he could actually come watch him dance. He wishes Viktor wasn’t so far away. He’s been counting the days until he’s going to leave for New York, but it won’t be soon enough, and there probably won’t be opportunities for Yuuri to show off his moves there. He may never have a sufficient opportunity with the way things are.

It hits him then, and he can’t help but sit up in bed at how powerful the thought strikes him. He may not be able to show Viktor what he can do in person, but he may be able to do it another way. It could be something to bring them both a little comfort from the distance, from missing each other and each other’s touch while they’re separated. The thought of it makes his stomach fill with butterflies and nerves, but he also can’t help but giggle a little out loud. His new idea makes him nervous, but also excited. His heart pounds in his chest in a mix of embarrassment that he’s even considering something like this, and thrill at the look he imagines on Viktor’s face as he sees what he’s done. Yuuri has, after all, always liked surprising him; surprising the man that surprises the rest of the world so consistently.

Excited as he is, Yuuri doesn’t jump right into his plan. Instead, he focuses on perfecting his short routine on the pole, letting the thoughts of Viktor continue guiding him as he dances. It helps him to have something to focus on in general as he dances, but it’s also inspiring. He thinks about Viktor more and more, and what he wants to say to him with this routine. That in turn leads to him thinking that he could even expand those thoughts, possibly even out on the ice next season. The more he thinks about it, the more right it feels, and Celestino apparently agrees when Yuuri brings it up with him and suggests a theme for himself for the next season.

And then, one day, Yuuri finally feels content and confident with how his pole dancing routine looks. He gets Laurel’s approval for his plan that very same day. So, as soon as they can both agree on a time, Yuuri invites Phichit to join him at the dance studio. Phichit comes along without complaint, likely because he’s bursting with curiosity. Yuuri hasn’t shared much of anything he does at the pole dancing classes with him, nor the reason he’s asked Phichit to be there today, but he promised he’d explain once they arrived.

“I want to ask you a favor,” Yuuri says, handing Phichit his phone. “Film it.  _ Don’t  _ post it.” He blushes, but forces himself to look his friend in the eyes, determination blazing inside of him. “I’m sending it to Viktor.”

The expression Phichit’s face turns into is one of an almost manic glee, and he holds the phone up eagerly, nodding empathically. “Oh, Yuuri, you dog, you! Of course I’ll film it for you!”

And so Yuuri dances, putting all his emotions, all his longing and love and frustration he feels towards his separation from Viktor in the routine, filling his mind and body with Viktor. He barely even pays mind to Phichit, who keeps on filming him throughout the dance, just catching a few glimpses of his huge grin when Yuuri pauses momentarily to give his phone what he hopes pass for flirtatious looks. It feels freeing to be on the pole, and exciting to be giving Viktor this special, small gift as a surprise. Yuuri hones in on that feeling, focusing on it wholeheartedly and letting that guide him through the routine.

He’s sweaty and panting heavily when he finishes and slowly comes back down onto the ground, but he feels incredible. Powerful. Sexy. Alive. He’s almost high on it all, on the endorphins and the bewilderment of what he just did.

“Here you go,” Phichit says, handing his phone over, still grinning. “I still think it’s a travesty not to share that with the entire world, but it’s your loss.”

“It’s for a select set of eyes,” Yuuri says, pulling up his and Viktor’s messages. “Thanks though.”

“No prob!” Phichit laughs. “Just getting to see that was enough. You were pretty great, Yuuri!”

Yuuri smiles, but barely looks up from his phone as he waits for the file to finish downloading into the message.

_ From: Me _

_ [Attached: Video] _

_ My theme for next season is “Stargazer.” _

As he finally sends the message off, Yuuri takes a shuddering, calming breath. His hands are shaking, barely able to hold onto the phone with how weak and clammy they feel. He’s still a little bit in disbelief he actually did that. But he doesn’t regret it. It feels almost like an expression of how much more daring he’s become since meeting Viktor. It’s like a thank you note of sorts, really. He hopes it’ll be enough to surprise Viktor, whenever he might watch it. They haven’t been able to talk for a few days, so he’s not sure when Viktor will be able to see the video or what he might be doing in the next few days.

Before he has time to think about anything more, though, his phone starts ringing with an invitation for a FaceTime call. It’s Viktor. Yuuri can feel all of his blood rushing to his face, his eyes going wide. He suddenly feels like he’s swallowed his tongue. He hadn’t expected such a fast reaction and now he has no idea what to say or do in front of him.

“He’s calling, Phichit, he’s calling me!” Yuuri stammers out. “What do I do? What do I  _ say _ ?”

“Just say what you were thinking! You did this for a reason, right?” Phichit says. “Just answer it before he hangs up! I’m gonna go home, give you two some privacy, okay? Just try and be done in about an hour okay?”

Yuuri, if it’s even possible, can feel himself turning even redder as Phichit rushes out of the studio in manic giggles, but swallows around his suddenly dry throat regardless, taking a deep breath. His fingers shake so much he barely manages to guide them to accept the call. Still, as soon as he does, he is greeted by the sight of Viktor’s dear and familiar face, his fancy apartment barely visible in the background. It’s a sight that has become increasingly known to Yuuri, and it helps calm him down a little, the sight of Viktor almost like breeze of cool wind on his heart’s atmosphere, hot and heated with aching and longing.

“Yuuriiiii!” Viktor whines. “You can’t just send me something like that without a warning! What if I’d opened it and looked at it in public?”

“Sorry,” Yuuri chuckles, but he’s not really sure if he means it. He may not have wanted anyone else other than Viktor to see that video, but he can’t help but think that the idea of everyone seeing Viktor blush in a public place because he’s unable to tear his eyes off Yuuri and his dance is strangely erotic to consider.

“No you’re not,” Viktor huffs, but his tone is playful and he’s smiling, so Yuuri knows he’s not actually angry, but rather just wants to tease him a little. “When did you learn to pole dance though?”

“I’ve been doing it for about a month now, as a way to pass the time. I’m not very good yet, so the moves in the video were pretty simple…”

“Well, I don’t know about that, but you looked  _ so sexy _ .” Yuuri blushes, but also can’t help the goofy smile that he’s sure is starting to break out on his face. “It was incredible! You were so strong and powerful, and your muscles…” Viktor sighs, leaning his face on his hand in the camera. His eyes are twinkling like stars, his expression soft, mellow and dreamy. Yuuri can barely believe that he’s the one who put it on Viktor’s face. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you started to pole dance.”

Yuuri shrugs. “I guess I just didn’t really know how to bring it up.”

“Then tell me now. I want to know everything. Weren’t you taking hip hop when we last talked about it?”

Yuuri quickly relays the abridged version of the story of how he ended up in Laurel’s class for Viktor, but he doesn’t lie or leave out the actual reason for why he switched dance styles. It’s easier to talk about the incident with Matt after having gone over it with Dr. Honda a few times. Yuuri also doesn’t want to hide it from Viktor anymore, even if that part of the story makes Viktor’s expression turn rather dark and Yuuri’s pretty sure he hears him growling when he tells him about it. It’s subtle, just a little frown at his brow, the downturn of his lips, the darkening of his eyes, but Yuuri can tell Viktor really dislikes what he’s hearing.

“It’s okay though,” Yuuri says to end his story, to try and appease Viktor’s anger. “I actually prefer the pole dancing. I’m not sure I ever would’ve tried it if it hadn’t been for this. So really, no harm done.”

“It still doesn’t mean anyone has the right to treat you like that. To make you feel unsafe,” Viktor says quietly, and Yuuri can hear the dangerous undertone in his voice.

“Yeah, I know…” Yuuri mumbles. “But it’s not like I can go around telling people I already have a boyfriend. They’ll just think I’m making you up.”

“Well, maybe then they should take the hint you’re not interested, if you have to resort to a lie,’” Viktor says, his voice still low with suppressed anger.

Yuuri decides it’s better to just change the subject. They’re not going to get much further with this and in his mind, it’s already over and dealt with, anyway. “So, what do you think about my theme for next season?”

It seems that those were the right words to say, because as soon as they leave Yuuri’s mouth, it looks as though a switch inside Viktor’s head has been flipped. His expression changes completely in a matter of seconds, from angrily grim to bright and happy like sunshine. “Oh, I love it! There is so much you could do with that sort of theme! Have you already started planning? What types of ideas do you have?”

“I’m not telling you that!” Yuuri laughs. “I want some parts of it to remain a surprise.”

“So mean, Yuuri,” Viktor complains, but he keeps smiling. “I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Your programs are always so beautiful.”

“I look forward to seeing yours too. Do you have a theme picked yet?”

Viktor winks. “I do. But I don’t think I can let you have all the surprises. Therefore, this must remain my secret for a while longer,” he says.  

Yuuri smiles softly at him. “I’ll be waiting,” he says. “I know I’m repeating myself, but I still feel like I’m always waiting nowadays, though…for the next competition, for the next chance to see you…”

“I know,” Viktor says, his voice growing soft and solemn, his bright eyes gentle and sad. “It kills me that we’re so far away from each other. I keep counting the days until New York. I feel like I’m only half alive in-between all these times we don’t get to be together.”

“Me too,” Yuuri admits. “I miss you so much…”

“I miss you too,” Viktor sighs, his expression softening into a sorrowful frown. “I can’t even say how much. God, Yuuri…” Viktor’s breath comes out slightly uneven and rushed, almost like he’s fighting tears. It makes Yuuri’s heart ache, wishing he could touch Viktor, to hold and comfort him better than just with his words. “I truly had no idea it could be this hard.”

“I didn’t either,” Yuuri says softly. It’s true. He may have more experience than Viktor in being far away from people he cares about, but missing Viktor feels so different from missing anyone else in his life he’s apart from. It’s so bizarre because he’s known Viktor for much less time than most of the people in his life that he misses, and yet being away from Viktor makes Yuuri feel like he’s a comet lost in space with no direction to go to, doomed to just wander around eternally. It’s only when Viktor is close to him as a bigger, brighter star, that Yuuri can feel centered and calm again, to settle into his orbit. It’s with Viktor, more than anyone else, that Yuuri doesn’t feel lonely with.

For the rest of the call, the two of them just stay on the line with one another in silence, looking at each other on their phone screens. It should probably be weird, but somehow it really isn’t. Yuuri feels like they understand each other even without words in that moment, just by looking at the way their expressions flicker as they look at each other. They stay quiet together like that for a long time. Yuuri takes up memorizing Viktor’s face as well as he can before they eventually have to hang up so Yuuri can go back to his and Phichit’s apartment before someone else needs to use the studio. They exchange quick goodbyes and ‘I love you’s, and Yuuri goes on his way.

Afterwards, he feels closer to Viktor even though they barely talked at all. It lessens the ache of the distance at least a little bit.

…

As the days leading up to the ice show Viktor is performing in grow fewer and fewer, Yuuri feels like there is a constant itch beneath his skin and a continuous flutter in his stomach with a mix of nerves and excitement. He and Viktor have been talking about their reunion at the ice show a little more as the event grows closer in their texts, but Viktor being Viktor is being quite secretive about everything he’s planning, claiming he wants it to be a surprise.

_ From: Me _

_ How am I going to know which hotel to go to if you don’t tell me? _

_ From: Vitya _

_ dnt worry abt it! jus lemme take care of everythin! i promise ull make it to the hotel. _

_ From: Me _

_ You promised you wouldn’t spend too much money on this. _

_ From: Vitya _

_ im not! i cut back on my original plans! ;). _

_ From: Vitya _

_ but i still wanna spoil u at least a lil. can u just trust me with this? _

_ From: Me _

_ Fine. But you don’t really need to go the extra mile. I’m yours either way <3. _

_ From: Vitya _

_ awwwww, yuuuuriii!!! _

Still, Yuuri can’t quite deny he’s a little excited over what Viktor might have planned for the two of them. At the same time, he’s not entirely sure how to tell Viktor he’s not exactly looking forward to seeing New York the city as he is to just seeing Viktor. He does love seeing all the world has to offer with the man he loves, but whenever they’re in public they always have to be so careful about how they are with each other, constantly aware of the people around them and who might be watching them. And now they haven’t seen each other in months all Yuuri wants is just to be close to Viktor, to touch him and kiss him and hold him as much as he can. He doesn’t want to have to hide his affections while they’re out in the public. He would be fine with just getting to make love to Viktor in a nice, private hotel room for most of the day.

The good thing about the whole situation, all the expectations building up, all the hopes and the longing that builds up in Yuuri’s stomach, is that he can use all of it. It works beautifully with his upcoming theme for the figure skating season. Yuuri draws on the inspiration from all these feelings for his short program, and pours them into the choreography he builds together with Celestino and into the practice runs they test out. The program doesn’t yet feel quite finished, quite as perfect or thought-out as Yuuri would like, but it’s well on its way of getting there.  

But even with the inspiration, Yuuri can’t help but worry a little that Viktor will make some expensive and elaborate plans for the two of them that Yuuri isn’t even sure he’ll be able to fully enjoy because he’ll only be longing for the peace and privacy of their hotel room. It would be a waste of money in more ways than one, not to mention a disappointment for Viktor if Yuuri wouldn’t be able to enjoy himself properly. So, Yuuri finally steels his resolve, reminds himself that he and Viktor have constantly talked about keeping the lines of communication and wants open and honest, and makes himself send Viktor a frank text.  

_ From: Me _

_ Is it okay if we just mostly hang out in your hotel room in NY? I just want to be with you more than I want to see the city. And I want us to actually be able to be together like a couple instead of having to hide it all the time. _

Viktor is quick to reply.

_ From. Vitya _

_ :D:D. ofc its ok! we can order room servs and watch movies! _

_ From: Vitya _

_ thats rlly sweet of u actually <3\. i wanna spend time with u too! _

Yuuri smiles, relieved, and looking even more forward to the trip now.

…

The last few weeks before it’s time for him to leave for New York, Yuuri keeps himself busy to keep the time flowing forward faster. He dances, does his summer coursework and skates, barely giving himself time to breathe. The thought of not having to worry about any of that for the weekend away helps him keep going, but it’s with a huge sigh of relief for more reason than one that he finally welcomes the start of that long-awaited Friday and heads off to the airport with his luggage.

Yuuri had insisted on buying his own plane ticket, even though Viktor offered to pay for it, so he’s flying in coach. He doesn’t really mind though. All he wants is just to be where Viktor is as soon as possible. Viktor won’t be able to come get him at the airport or see him before the ice show tonight, since he’ll be busy with last-minute rehearsals and preparations, but Yuuri’s looking forward to the show itself as well quite a bit. After all, it was always Viktor’s skating he loved first, even though he’s come to love him as a whole since then. And although it was just an excuse they’ve thought of to present to the public in case someone asks about it, Yuuri really does think seeing Viktor at the ice show could be a wonderful source of inspiration for him for the upcoming season.

There’s a nervous churning in his stomach throughout the whole plane ride, though. He’s excited to see Viktor, of course, but it’s also always a little nerve-wracking to think about meeting him in person. He worries he might say or do the wrong thing, and now it’s all added to by the element of not quite knowing what he’s getting into. Viktor promised he’d be able to get to the hotel when he landed, but Yuuri still has no idea what that actually means. He knows he can probably just text Viktor when he lands and find out more, but he has no idea how fast Viktor will be able to respond from the rehearsal. Yuuri would prefer not to have to spend too much time at the airport where people can spot him and ask uncomfortable questions while he still smells like airplane air. He’d much prefer to be able to get to the hotel early and get ready properly and early before the ice show starts.

Yuuri does his best to distract himself from his tumulus thoughts by listening to some music and actually manages to fall into a dream-like state until the announcement for landing sounds over the speakers. With that, the nerves and the churning in his stomach come back in full force. Yuuri has no idea what to expect when he lands, and he can’t help but almost forcibly and mechanically tap his foot to try and get some of the restless energy out, taking deep breaths and trying to focus on the music still pouring into his ears through his headphones.

It’s a relief to finally be on solid ground and get to move and let his nerves out into his feet. Yuuri unlocks his phone on the way to the luggage claim, sending a message to Viktor that he’s landed safely and asking for any advice on what to do next. He just hopes Viktor will answer soon.

After finding and grabbing his luggage, Yuuri heads out of the airport for the lack of anything better to do. There are multiple people outside the gates waiting for and greeting their arriving loved ones with hugs and kisses. Many of them come carrying white signs that spell out names to catch people’s attention. Yuuri finds himself focusing on them, reading the names almost without meaning to, just for something to do. Braley, Lacroix, Katsuki…

He stops. He stares at the sign, but what it says doesn’t change. It reads “Katsuki,” and not in English either; in its correct Japanese Kanji spelling that Yuuri used to write on notebooks and exam papers back in Japan.

There’s no way, right? The man holding the sign is dressed like a limo driver straight out of a Hollywood movie. There’s no way he’s here for Yuuri. But no one else seems to be approaching the man, only giving the Kanji letters strange looks occasionally. And it probably  _ would  _ be just like Viktor to do something like send someone, who looks to be Yuuri’s own personal driver, to fetch him from the airport. He would also be thoughtful enough to have the sign in Japanese so fewer people would be able to read it and therefore Yuuri would be safer from the fans and the media.

Yuuri sighs, and begins approaching the man holding the sign. He supposes can at least ask the man if he’s waiting for him specifically. The worst that can happen is for him to say he’s waiting for someone else. The best is that Yuuri can get out of this airport and to the hotel.

“Excuse me?” he asks the man softly so as not to draw attention to the two of them. “Are you waiting for me?

“Yuuri Katsuki?” the man asks, looking up at him with his wrinkled face. Yuuri nods. The man gives him a small, polite smile. “Yes, you’re correct. If you please, follow me and I’ll take you to your hotel.”

Yuuri is almost about to follow, when he pauses. “Do you have any proof of who hired you?” He can’t be too careful after all, though he can’t see anyone going through all this trouble just to get to him specifically. But it’s still better to be safe than sorry.

“Ah, yes, of course,” the man says, and pulls out a white piece of paper from inside his coat, handing it over to Yuuri. “Here you are, sir.”

Yuuri manages not to roll his eyes at the “sir,” and glances down at the paper. It’s clearly Viktor’s handwriting and that immediately puts him a little more at ease, even before he starts to read the message:

_ My dearest Yuuri, _

_ This is first of my many surprises to you for this trip. I hope you can accept it with grace and the knowledge that this will be a much less painful way for you to travel in New York than by taxi. I hope you had a pleasant flight and your day continues to be wonderful. I’ll see you very soon! <3. _

_ With all my love, _

_ Your Vitya _

Yuuri chuckles, but his heart feels warm all the same at Viktor’s words. He can’t resist gently holding the short letter against his chest either in a hug, even as he allows the driver to take his luggage for him and lead him through and out of the airport to what is, indeed, a very sleek black limousine parked outside. It does make Yuuri sweat a little to think about the cost of it, even as he slips in the backseat, but he can’t help but be a little giddy with it as well, happy little bubbles blooming at the bottom of his belly. He’s never done anything like this, let alone been treated like this by someone else just because they wanted to make him happy. It feels almost surreal and he’s a little lightheaded with it, but he can’t help but appreciate the cool air-conditioned insides of the limo in the New York summer heat, the plush leather seats and the free refreshments available for him in the mini fridge after the dehydrating flight. So for now, Yuuri decides to just enjoy himself the best he can and let Viktor do this for him. It’s not like he can get out of it now anyway.

The limo comes with its own Wi-Fi so Yuuri spends most of the ride to the hotel on his phone, letting Phichit know he’s landed and sending him a few discreet pictures of the limo’s insides.

_ From: Phichit _

_!!! im so jelly! when’ll someone treat /me/ like that?? _

_ From: Me _

_ I know right? _

_ From: Me _

_ DON’T POST THOSE PICTURES ANYWHERE. _

_ From: Phichit _

_ i wouldn’t! thatd be way too suspicious! _

_ From: Phichit _

_ have fun! send me updates once in a while! take pics! i wanna hear all abt it when you return! _

_ From: Me _

_ I will :). _

The ride passes by quickly enough, and Yuuri already feels much better from the treats and the drinks by the time the limo stops in front of a tall, beautiful building. But as soon as Yuuri reads the name of it in the front, his heart jumps into his throat and he begins to sweat nervously again.

“Uh…this can’t be the right hotel, right?” he asks the driver.

“Incorrect, sir. This is indeed the hotel where I was supposed to take you,” the driver says in a dry tone, reminding Yuuri of a robot.

“But…this is the Four Seasons,” Yuuri says, pained.

“Only the best for Mr. Nikiforov and his guest,” the driver says.

And yes, Yuuri supposes that is true. Viktor always stays at the best rooms and the best hotels. He’s so far out of Yuuri’s world when it comes to money and wealth, and Yuuri’s always known that. Viktor’s always been kind enough to take that into account when they’re out together, but Yuuri supposes that now it’s all just coming bursting out. Viktor likely wants to take this opportunity to treat Yuuri like a prince, now that he can. Given Viktor’s lack of simple affection from anyone else but Yuuri and his dog in his life added to the general existence of much wealth in his family, perhaps throwing money around is just the most natural way Viktor has to show his love. Even with Yuuri in his life now, some lessons take longer to learn and to unlearn, and Yuuri knows he can’t heal all of Viktor’s wounds or habits. This just goes to show that.

This one time, though, Yuuri supposes he can just allow it. It’s not like Viktor does things like this constantly when they’re together. Perhaps he’s even doing it now to compensate for how long they’ve been apart and will have to be again when this long weekend is over. It’s not that big of a deal. Yuuri can take being treated like a prince this one time. He just has to hope that Viktor hasn’t booked the biggest, most expensive suite they have. He, Guang-Hong, Leo and Phichit looked into it once for fun during the summer camp because one of Guang-Hong’s dreams is to apparently be rich and famous enough to be able to stay there just once, and the mere idea of it makes Yuuri sweat nervously. He probably wouldn’t dare move in that room at all for the fear of accidentally damaging something and having to pay for it.

Yuuri steps out of the limo after a few calming deep breaths and allows the driver to haul his luggage inside for him as Yuuri goes up to the front desk. The lobby alone is so gleaming, glamorous and beautiful that Yuuri’s almost blinded by it. He walks slowly and carefully just so he doesn’t knock anything over or dirty anything. He honestly doesn’t know how Viktor can live in places like this so casually. All Yuuri feels in it is that he definitely doesn’t belong here in his frumpy clothes that he chose for the plane ride and his messy long hair.

Even everyone working the front desk is beautiful, looking almost like they belong to a magazine rather than a hotel lobby. Still, the lady serving him gives him a friendly smile as he approaches.

“Good day to you, sir. How may I help you this fine day?” she says cheerfully, looking almost too chipper to be talking to Yuuri.

“Uh, hi,” Yuuri mumbles awkwardly. “I’ll be staying here with Makka Nikki?” It’s the alias Viktor told him he’d be using in his hotel, which is just about the only thing he did tell Yuuri beforehand.

“Very good, sir,” the lady says, rummaging through the desk before herself. Not long after, she hands over a key for Yuuri. “Here you go, sir. If you please, our bellboy will take you and your luggage up to your room.” She gestures towards a young man dressed in a red uniform standing next to a metal luggage cart, ready to serve by the look of his smile. “If you need anything else, please don’t hesitate to ask. We’re here to serve you.”

Yuuri almost wants to refuse the bellboy’s help, to tell the staff he can manage by himself well enough, but looking at all of their eager and beautiful faces, he somehow seems to lose his voice. So he just resolves to nod and try to tip the bellboy right as he goes to him with his quiet “thank you” and his things.

Before he and the bellboy head up to his room, the limo driver hands him a card. “I am in your service for the whole weekend, Mr. Katsuki. Feel free to contact me anytime you wish if you are in need of transport. In any other case, I’ll come pick you up at six o’clock in the evening for the ice show tonight.”

Yuuri manages an awkward nod and a squeaky ‘thank you’ as he grabs the business card and hurries towards the elevators. This day keeps getting weirder and weirder.

The ride up to the correct floor happens under an awkward, tense silence from Yuuri’s side, so he’s glad when he and the bellboy finally arrive, and even more so when the corridor they arrive at looks relatively normal and like any other hotel corridors. It seems that Viktor hasn’t gone overboard with the room at least. The bellboy leaves him at the right door with his luggage, and Yuuri does his best to tip him with what he has. He takes the boy’s smile as a sign of not horribly messing up, before using his keycard on the room door.

The room it opens up to is nice and lavish, but not so extravagant that it doesn’t allow Yuuri to take a short sigh of relief. The color scheme of the space is muted, consisting mostly of whites, greys and light wood colors; the décor of it sleek and expensive-looking. The bed is king-sized and incredibly soft-looking with its pure white sheets and pillows. It is, however, the little touches of Viktor in the room that make Yuuri relax more than anything else. It brings a little bit of humanity and life into the room, as well as the warm knowledge that Viktor has been in the space Yuuri is now occupying, even if he’s not there right now. He smiles at the way he can see Viktor’s clothes placed in the wardrobe left open and a few books placed on surfaces, Viktor’s suitcase resting empty in a corner.

There is also a vase filled with a huge bouquet of fresh and colorful flowers waiting on a glass coffee table by the window, and the sight of them makes Yuuri’s breath catch in his throat. He leaves his suitcase by the door and makes his way over to the flowers and the letter set on the table beside them in a few quick strides.

He picks up the note, and reads:

_ My dearest Yuuri, _

_ I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here when you arrived! However, feel free to enjoy the room and everything the Four Seasons hotel has to offer in my absence! The room service is quite good, so I recommend you get some food. You should also try the shower; the water pressure is remarkable. You may not have time for a massage, but I think we can do that later when I’m there too ;). _

_ I hope my surprise didn’t throw you off too much and that if it did, you’ll forgive me. This is all done out of love, I swear on my heart. _

_ I look forward to seeing you. _

_ With all my love, _

_ Your Vitya _

Yuuri can’t help the laugh that escapes him as he turns to look out of the big windows in the room. The view of the city up here is incredibly, breath-takingly beautiful and far-reaching, too. He admires it for a while as he waits for his rapid heartbeat to slow down.

Afterwards, having put both his letters away safely, to keep for when he misses Viktor and wants to look back on this time, Yuuri busies himself for the few hours he has to kill before the show. He takes out his clothes from his suitcase and puts them into the closet, drawing pleasure and genuine joy from the way he can put his clothes in the same space as Viktor again. He takes Viktor’s advice and enjoys a long and relaxing wash in the hotel room’s steam shower. Staying there is no struggle at all, weary and disgusting as he feels from the plane ride and after having to share his shower for most of his life. It’s actually much harder for Yuuri to make himself leave the shower before he turns completely pruney than staying in it. Yuuri swears his muscles haven’t felt this relaxed and his skin so clear since he last lived in Hasetsu and had access to real hot springs.

After his shower, Yuuri relaxes around in his fluffy comfortable bathrobe, watching TV for a while as his hair dries, before ordering some food in. The food is as exquisite as Viktor made it out to be when it arrives, and the bellboy bringing it doesn’t seem to be phased by the fact that Yuuri’s only wearing a robe. Yuuri makes sure to tip him well, too.

By the time he’s finished eating his early dinner, it’s about time for Yuuri to start getting dressed for the ice show. He decides to dress casually but neatly, not wishing to stand out terribly at the ice rink and wanting to be comfortable during the show, but also to look good for when he meets Viktor afterwards. After finishing up changing, Yuuri grabs his things, makes sure he has everything, and then heads down to meet the limo driver again to go to the ice show.

Yuuri browses social media on people attending the ice show during the drive to the location, enjoying everyone’s enthusiasm even before the event has begun and how excited they are to see their favorite skaters. Many people mention Viktor but there are also other names Yuuri grew up watching on ice and admired, too. It really gets him in the mood, looking forward to the show now more than ever.

Yuuri has a VIP pass to the show and the rink thanks to Viktor, so upon arrival, he gets to skip the line and go to his admittedly very nice seat with his program. Viktor will be doing two programs, the opening and the closing acts. It figures, seeing as Viktor is probably the most renowned figure here and many people are here to see him over anyone else.

Yuuri reads over the program a couple of times to pass the time before switching to his phone with shaky, clammy hands and a stomach churning with a mix of anticipation and nerves. He hopes everything will go well for everyone involved. He’s also more and more excited to both see Viktor perform and to see Viktor in person, but he’s also nervous for both. It’s almost like he’s waiting to compete in the rink himself, the sounds and the smells around him so familiar to him after all these years. It feels almost strange to be seeing it all from above like this instead of being down there with the other skaters.

Finally, the lights in the arena begin to dim down and with them, everyone and everything around Yuuri that had been making senseless background noise goes absolutely still and quiet. A spotlight appears down on the ice, and focuses on the lone figure standing on it in his skates, the light catching and shining in his light-colored hair. Yuuri feels his breath catch in his throat, his heart leaping into a triple axel. Even from this far above, Viktor is breath-taking, wearing a concentrated expression and expectant stance alongside a costume styled to look like a uniform. It’s not too dissimilar to the one he wore for his Turmoil free program, but it’s in brighter colors and lacking the rips and bloodstains. It looks almost like a version of that costume that has been washed clean of all the hurt and the harm that plagued the character portrayed in that program.

As Viktor begins to skate, Yuuri barely dares to move or even breathe. The program he performs is also quite similar to his Turmoil free skate, modified but alike enough to recognize the touches from the past. The beginning of the program is full of longing and sadness, like Viktor is once again calling out for help that never comes, that he never expects to arrive. But then, around the middle, the program and the music both change, growing into something more than it was when Viktor performed it in competition. He seems to find a touch of hope in the world as he skates, a splash of color in the sterile grayness of his existence, and Viktor appears to start chasing that colorfulness like a man drowning. As the program draws to its end, it looks as though he’s reached it, found it both outside and within himself. He looks completely at peace with the world as he closes into his finishing bow.

As Viktor finishes, for a moment longer, the whole crowd remains silent. It seems like everyone is still in just as much of a trance and enchantment of what they just saw as Yuuri is. But the silence shatters not long after, the crowd bursting into a thunderous applause and rousing cheers, so much so that it almost hurts to hear. Yuuri doesn’t care though. He stands up to clap as loud as he can, cheering from the bottom of his throat for the man he loves who just delivered a performance of a lifetime. Viktor is always beautiful to watch, but here where there are no points, he seems somehow…calmer. More at ease with himself. Like he can do what he wants and skate the way he wants. It makes Yuuri’s heart burst with warmth, because he understands that feeling, that freedom so well. It’s a whole different experience performing without the pressure of the competition. He will have to tell Viktor about that later tonight.

After Viktor’s opening performance, the rest of the skaters make their way to the ice one by one, skating their own programs. Yuuri enjoys watching them; they’re all beautiful and talented in their own ways, and he can’t help but be inspired. He writes a few memorable moves down into his phone for a later date, to see if he can fit them into a program somewhere sometime. At the same time, though, Yuuri can’t help but just look forward to the show’s end, when he can watch Viktor perform one more time and then actually see and meet him in person. He wants to finally embrace Viktor, to kiss him and tell him how much he loves him and his skating. Perhaps gently scold him for spending so much money on this trip for the two of them. Longing burns at the back of his throat, and as the end of the show grows near, Yuuri finds it more and more difficult to keep still and pay attention to the skaters. He wishes he could just go to Viktor already.  

Finally,  _ finally _ , the time comes for Viktor to perform his closing program for the night. It’s a much lighter, very happy piece that makes Viktor almost look like he’s walking on air as he skates. It’s another modification of one of his programs, but this time of a much older one, all the way from his Senior Debut. The original program was about a first love, which back then was presented as something that was somewhat silly and foolish in the short program and then as something that grows into something more meaningful in the free program. This performance is like a mashup of both. There is the lightness and giddiness and joy that comes with the start of love for someone, but also the pain that it causes, the heavy burden it can bring to one’s person. Yet the underlying message seems hopeful, that it’s all worth it in the end, no matter the pain. That love is always worth it for how much happiness it can also bring; how much lesser one’s life would be without it.

It’s not hard for Yuuri to understand what Viktor is trying to say with his skating, and by the time the program draws to its conclusion, he finds himself in tears. He doesn’t even bother to try and hide them or wipe them away, for once almost relishing in the fact that he can feel this much for someone, like his tears are just his emotions bursting to the surface. Viktor’s feelings are there for everyone to see plainly tonight. Yuuri might as well do the same for him in return.

The final applause lasts for a long time. Yuuri’s hands are aching by the time all the skaters have taken their final bows and left the ice. As the audience begins to make its way out of the arena, Yuuri begins to make his own to the backstage. His heart hammers in his chest more and more with each step he takes, his tear tracks still drying on his cheeks. He feels dazed, high on emotion as he walks his way through and presents his VIP pass for the guards, looking for Viktor’s dressing room. His feet move almost on their own, as if drawn to where Viktor is by sheer magnetism and affection.

Finally, Yuuri finds the right door; the one marked by a star. He takes in a quick calming breath, braces himself and knocks.

“Come in!” Viktor’s voice comes from the inside.

Yuuri opens the door, and is immediately greeted by the sight of Viktor sitting in front of a dressing table, still in his second costume but removing his make-up with wet wipes. He meets Yuuri’s eyes in his mirror, his blue eyes widening and his lips spreading into a huge smile before he turns around to properly greet him.

“Yuuri!” Viktor says, and Yuuri can apparently never get over how much  _ joy  _ he can always hear in Viktor’s voice whenever he says his name like that. As if just saying his name, just having Yuuri by his side, is enough to make him happy. It makes his heart feel like it’s bursting, and suddenly Yuuri can’t find the words to say what he means and needs to say. Instead, he just quickly closes the door to the dressing room behind himself and makes his way over to Viktor in a few long strides to kiss him.

Yuuri pours his entire heart, all his feelings into the kiss and Viktor accepts him easily, pulling him onto his lap and embrace. Yuuri caresses Viktor’s gelled hair, Viktor soothes his back and plays with the end of his braid in-between his fingers. It’s all so familiar to Yuuri by now and yet still so exhilarating all the same; like every time is more new and more comfortable at the same time. Yuuri wonders if Viktor can taste his earlier tears on his lips, can read them in his eyes as he sucks on Viktor’s tongue in his mouth, holding him close and dear, hoping Viktor can feel his unspoken words from his mouth. Warmth and arousal course through him, settling into his core, and Yuuri pours even more passion into his kisses, just to show Viktor how much he’s missed him and this.

They stay like that for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth and closeness after all these long months apart. The rest of the world disappears around them much like it always seems to when Viktor is near Yuuri. They kiss and they touch and they hold each other for a long time, and Yuuri never wants to let go, never wants it to end.

Eventually, though, Viktor breaks away from Yuuri’s mouth and breathlessly says, “Yuuri, we can’t do this here.”

“I know,” Yuuri says, but he leans in to kiss Viktor again anyway. And despite his words, Viktor doesn’t resist him this time either, melting into the kiss fast and soft and gentle. Still, Yuuri has enough sense now not to make it last, and makes himself pull back not much later to look down at Viktor’s kiss-flushed face and darkened eyes. And at the sight of Viktor like this before him, and the knowledge of how lucky Yuuri is to have him and to be here with him, the words come pouring out as well, the dam holding them back broken. “Vitya…I love you. I love you so much. Your performance was so beautiful. It made me cry.”

Viktor’s eyes widen slightly, but only for a moment before they soften into a gentle sparkle. He leans in again, kisses Yuuri’s nose gently, before pressing their foreheads together gently. “I love you too,” he whispers, his breath tickling Yuuri’s own lips. It makes him shiver. “Now, I’m afraid you must let me go, so I can finish changing. Then we can go to the hotel, and you’ll have my undivided attention. I promise.”

Yuuri pouts somewhat playfully, but gets off Viktor’s lap anyway. Viktor picks up his wet wipes again and gets back to working on his face.

“How was your day today?” he asks gently as he does. “Did you like my surprises?”

“Well, I must say your idea of a surprise is a lot grander than most people’s,” Yuuri chuckles. “I was a bit freaked out at first. But it was fine in the end. The room is really nice.”

“I’m glad you like it,” Viktor smiles in the mirror, before standing up and going over to his wardrobe to change his clothes. Although Yuuri’s seen Viktor naked before, he turns his eyes away. It still doesn’t quite feel appropriate to watch someone change, even if they’re clearly allowing you to do so. Not to mention he’s not sure he would be able to control himself if he saw Viktor bare now. He’s still feeling a bit hot under the collar from their kisses alone.

“The…the limo was a bit much, though,” Yuuri says, trying to make his thoughts switch gears.

He hears Viktor’s gentle chuckle nearby. “Trust me, solnyshko, you do not wish to take a taxi in New York City. It is a horrible hassle and would have ultimately cost almost more than the limo, I assure you.”

“Still,” Yuuri says. “It was a bit strange for me.”

“But you did not dislike it?”

Yuuri can’t quite hide the smile on his face or in his voice. “No. I suppose I didn’t.”

Viktor finishes up changing and the two of them quickly make their way out of the arena, thankfully without being stopped or spotted. Yuuri has an inkling that Viktor planned it this way, and he appreciates it. He feels a bit sorry for Viktor’s fans who might’ve wanted some time from him here, but he’s been denied long enough. Right now, he wants and deserves to have his boyfriend all to himself after all this time.

The two of them make their way to the limo, parked in a discreet area in the arena’s shadows, settling together comfortably in the backseat. They don’t kiss in the car to avoid temptation to go any further, but they are able to cuddle and hold hands as they talk lightly and catch up, which sates Yuuri’s urges at least a bit. This is, after all, what he missed most about Viktor; this privilege of just being this close to him. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t almost count the minutes it takes them to get to the hotel.

Once they finally make it to their now shared room, somehow having managed not to kiss once since they left the arena, there is not much time for words. Everything becomes a blur filled with touches and removing clothes and desperate kisses in-between. Their lovemaking on the soft, large bed is eager and a bit fumbling, but passionate and loving all the same. They’re very sweaty and sticky afterwards, both of them requiring a wash in the shower, which quickly turns into another round. The marvelous shower is evidently even better when it’s shared with someone else.

Their first night together also pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the weekend. Yuuri and Viktor don’t really leave the hotel room much as they had previously discussed. They eat room service and talk until their throats hurt and kiss until their lips ache and rest in each other’s arms in-between making love. They learn more about what gives each of them pleasure, take advantage of the opportunity to leave marks on each other with the relative privacy granted by the off-season, and re-familiarize themselves with everything about each other from how their voices sound to what kind of dumplings they prefer.

They watch movies on their room’s TV, take long showers together where they wash each other’s hair, scrub each other’s skin and hold each other bare. Neither one of them bothers to really get dressed during the weekend, comfortable to be in the nude when the clothes are bound to come off soon enough anyway. The best they manage is to put on a robe after a shower or when one of them has to open the door to the room to get their ordered food or spare towels.

It’s the best vacation Yuuri’s ever had, and he hates the fact that he can’t stop thinking about how fast it has to come to an end.

“…I wish we could just stay here forever,” he sighs into Viktor’s chest late Saturday night, when neither one of them can sleep.

“That would get rather expensive,” Viktor teases, but there is no real humor in his tone. He pulls Yuuri a bit closer, holds him tighter, and Yuuri does the same for him in return. “But I wish that too. Or that I could just take you with me to St. Petersburg. Or come with you to Detroit.”

Yuuri moves and leans up to kiss Viktor, because he feels like he’ll cry if he doesn’t do something or if he continues speaking. They make love again, but passionate and pleasurable as it is, this time it feels so much more hollow and sad. It feels like a goodbye. They both cry into each other’s bare skin by the end of it.

And all too soon, the time for the real goodbye arrives as well. Time refuses to ever give either one of them mercy.

Yuuri has to leave first, early in the morning, but Viktor wakes up with him anyway. They’re both too sleepy and sad to make love one last time, but they cuddle for as long as they can in bed and stick close to each other while they pack together and Yuuri finally puts on some clothes.

“I so wish I could come see you off at the airport,” Viktor sighs. “I feel like such a horrible boyfriend. First I couldn’t come pick you up. Now I can’t even watch you leave.”  

“It would only rouse suspicion,” Yuuri says, because it’s all he can really say. They both know it to be true, but Yuuri still wishes he could ask Viktor to accompany him. No matter the risks. “And there would be nothing for you to do there for hours on end before your flight leaves. Best if you just wait here for your own flight to be closer.”

“Still.”

“Yeah…” Yuuri murmurs, zipping his luggage up before straightening his back and leaning in to kiss Viktor. It’s become such a casual thing for him to do now. They’ve become so comfortable with each other over the past few days, so used to the physical affection and just the mere presence of the other. Yuuri almost can’t believe he has to go back and be without Viktor again now.

Still, tear himself away he must, and so Yuuri does after another quick flurry of final goodbye kisses and hugs and promises of texts when they get home. He even manages not to cry until he’s at the airport, where he locks himself in a bathroom stall to sob for a full ten minutes. He appreciates that no one bothers him during this, but at the same time almost wishes he could laugh at how much he’s been doing this lately.

The plane ride to Detroit happens in a sorrowful haze and Yuuri sleeps through most of it. He cries a few more times in the airplane toilet for good measure.

Phichit is at the airport to pick him up with Celestino, and Yuuri tries to pretend like nothing is wrong, like he didn’t just walk away from the man he loves, like he didn’t leave a piece of his heart behind to go with Viktor to St. Petersburg. He answers Phichit’s questions about the ice show and makes up something for Celestino about what New York was like, but he’s more relieved than he can say when Celestino drops him and Phichit off at their apartment. He doesn’t feel like talking anymore. Phichit seems to get that, too, and doesn’t bother Yuuri when he heads for his room and shuts the door behind himself. It brings a little bit of warmth back into Yuuri’s heart with the gratitude he feels for his best friend. He will need to thank him for being so amazing once he’s more lucid.

As soon as Yuuri makes his way to his room, he turns his phone back on and texts Viktor that he has arrived safely. Before he can turn his phone back off and just go to sleep, though, he notices that his Instagram is alerting him that Viktor has posted a new photo. Heart in his throat, Yuuri taps on to see it.

It’s a selfie of Viktor on a boat, with the Statue of Liberty in the background. Wind is blowing through his silver hair, and Viktor’s smiling at the camera. He appears to be on some sort of a boat, and some of the sea can be seen around him. It looks almost like an art piece, and Viktor is beautiful as always, but seeing it makes Yuuri’s insides grow a bit colder again. Seeing him appear so carefree, even when he’s wearing his clear fake smile again, makes Yuuri’s insides feel sour. He knows intellectually that the picture is probably just all part of an image Viktor tries to put out. After all, it’s well known that Viktor likes to take selfies in the cities he visits and post them online. It might raise suspicion if he didn’t post one when most people know he’s in New York.

But even knowing all that, and the fact that Viktor is probably on his flight back right now and that’s why he’s not answering his text, a lump forms in Yuuri’s throat. He already misses Viktor. And he can’t help but wonder if Viktor misses him at all, spending time doing touristy things while Yuuri was sobbing his eyes out in the plane bathroom.  

He feels another wave of tears hit him at the thought, and he has no strength to fight it.

He ends up crying himself to sleep.

…

**v-nikiforov**

New York City

[image]

❤ 1,981 likes

**v-nikiforov** I managed to catch at least a bit of sightseeing before my trip home :). #NewYork #FantasiaIce

View all 279 comments 

**iceicelady** I hope you had a great time in New York!

**vityaswoman** you look super hot!! was there in the audience! where’d u disappear after the show? i wanted to see you! >:(

**goldskates** What have you been up to in NY? It’s kinda weird you only posted this one picture!

**bedrider** well, everyone is allowed a break once in a while…though it does make me wonder :/.

**quadflipped** Did Yuuri watch the ice show @v-nikiforov?

**knifeshoes** You know he did!! You know it!

**quadflipped** You’re right, I don’t know what I was thinking :P.

**glasshearts** Thanks for the great show! Watched it on stream! And good luck for the new season!

4 hours ago

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr [here](http://nihonlove.tumblr.com/). The fic tag is "soft-rivals."


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